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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
Beagles are a cross between bloodhounds and eagles.
I'm not at all pleased that another lie game has sprouted up.
I'm a terrible liar.
God is made of marshmallow. This was proved by Thomas Aquinas (Summa theologia I a 8 i), but proved controversial in Spain in the late sixteenth century, when it was the cause of a rift between Jesuit and Dominican theologians.
In Warwickshire, Kippers are used as a form of currency.
Castigation can make you go blind.
In Rutland, five pound notes are eaten for breakfast, with a little butter.
Iceland is really made of ice.
My middle name is "Stegosaurus"
I find the problem with living inside a semi-detached leg is the noise from the knee bears.
I always drive at the speed limit.
"Breadmaster" is actually my name. I had a terrible time at school.
I had a terrible time yesterday - it was 93 minutes past pi.
The invisible man crashed his invisible car outside my house today. The police came to clear the crowds - "Move along now, there's nothing to see".
Neil Armstrong came round to see me today. He was completely stoned!
I only have room on my table for one dinner plate. The rest of the space is taken up by serried ranks of salt and pepper pots.
Catholics usually stay home to eat on Fridays in Lent.
Eating is illegal in Paraguay. (but not oral sex).
The Paraguayan government has invested in a little oral hygeine basin, one of which is installed next to the bed in every home.
The sun has got his hat on and he's coming out to play.
Bugger it. Every time I put my hat on it vapourises.
I'm melting in the sun. This is what they call the life.
Parsley was invented by David Dimbleby
Budgerigars have the same density as lead.
The people of the Andes have over one hundred words for Llama droppings.
The escape velocity from the moon is lower than that of the Earth because it is more easily distracted.
The White House in Washington was originally intended to be lime green.
The Washington Memorial was put in upside down.
I have never posted to this game, and never will.
Ibid needs more coffee.
Due to an appalling hearing error, I have just peeled a mandolin.
Due to an appalling hearing error, I have been using the wrong pseudonym.
So have I.
There are 1,473 medically acknowledged complaints attributed to doing housework. There is no known cure for 1,472 of them.
Due to an appalling hearing error, I am currently attached to the front of a 4x4.
Germans actually hate sausages. They eat them only as a penance when they believe they've done something truly naughty.
This is why Fat German is so fat.
<FONT FLAVOR=”butterscotch”> MMmmm. Taste this one. </FONT>
I just licked the screen and now my teeth are stuck together.
I have just licked matt and now MY teeth are mmmmffffff!
I don't want to see that.
Julie Andrews can break down into seven pieces for easy storage on transatlantic flights.
In protest at the behaviour of Jacques Chirac, I am going to dress up as a Freedom maid and freedom kiss everyone I meet, in order to promote sales of freedom letters.
Most movies are actually only 3 minutes long, but they put drugs in the popcorn.
My electricity bill is itemised by watt, and is delivered by camel.
My electricity bill is itemised by Watty, and is delivered by taping it to a football and kicking it across the Atlantic.
I don't possess a modem or even a computer. I post my comments here by making bleeping noises down the phone.
When I first knew him, George W. Bush was my P.E. teacher.
Parliament meets twice a week in my lounge, as the Commons chamber has to be fumigated on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Tony Blair is being made to follow GWB into war with Iraq as a punishment from nanny, because he wouldn't take his Castor Oil. So you see, it is all about oil.
The late Joyce Grenfell was the world's most prolific Concord pilot.
She could also whistle all of the National Anthems of the Communist bloc countries backwards through a sieve.
All the National Anthems of the Communist bloc countries are variations of the Birdie Song.
If you sing the Birdie Song backwards, you will conjure the shade of Karl Marx.
Karl Marx' shade is lilac with a hint of rose.
Hypodermic needles can only be grown if the relative humidity is above 80%.
The hole through the centre of a hypodermic needle is created by specially trained bacteria that eat metal.
Bacteria are easily trained using the 'Woodhouse' Technique.
The 'Woodhouse' Technique is illegal in most southern U.S. States and is in fact punishable by death in Texas - like most things.
I recently converted to the 'Woodhouse' Technique. As a testimonial to its effectiveness, I am happy to say that I am now the proud father of twin otters.
Otters are sexually attracted to fish. They only kill them by accident because of their bungled attempts at fellatio.
I keep a pet water otter in my kitchen. I call her "Kettle".
Kettle is the ancient Mesopotamian Goddess of farting. Hence the phrase "Pot calling the kettle black" is an alternative version of "He who smelt it, dealt it". This is all very important should you ever do Anthropology.
I lied about doing a full house across the front page. There are games I do not understand. Instead, I streaked through Mornington Crescent.
Streaking is named after the Danish maiden Helena Strieker the first known exponent of the exhibitionist art form.
I keep pet water in a bowl in my lounge. Periodically, I take it out for a splash on the pavement. My last pet water dried up in the sun.
When my pet water dies, I will probably flush it down the lavatory.
George W Bush once accidentally flushed himself down the toilet. He was salvaged from the local sewage plant some hours later, though doubt remains even today as to whether they retrieved the right little shit.
Blob] I heartily disaprove of your lack of respect for Mr Bush at the present time.
I voted for George W Bush, and believe he is doing a fine job.
</lie> DrQ, that is simply untoppable. The most audaciously brass-necked statement I ever read. I must resign!
I'm happy Projoy has resigned.
And sod the troops. </lie>For anyone who has reached this page a-la Google; realize that all statements here are lies.<lie>
If your pet water dies, send me a cheque and I will send you a new one in dehydrated form.
Female pole-vaulters are all members of a secret shamanistic sect and practice the art of attracting rabbits by "bunny whistling".
There is no such thing as stair carpet.
'Smoking Crack' is the result of insufficient lubrication.
I still believe George W Bush is doing a fine job. We're a lot better off under him than we were under Bill Clinton (although I do have to say that Clinton has good taste in women.)
Fat German is an excellent lubricant.
A snorgle is a type of Kagool.
Bob the dog is a spoonerism of an Irish phrase, "dob the bog", which is skinny dipping in swampland.
A whole quart of stray water followed me home tonight.
[Projoy] I'm sorry - that was from my Red Dragon's water dish. He's flaming mad right now.
Although tents have the right to vote in the UK, very few are ever canvassed.
I believe in Miracles.
Genghis Khan and his Mongol Horde were a popular swing band in the 1920's.
Tony Blair can hold his breath for four days, 13 hours, 25 minutes and 13 seconds.
Corgis can run backwards twice as fast as they can run forewards.
Volkswagen diesel engined cars can run on Ribena.
Advertising executives are cannibalistic, and devour their old.
Leather sofas are made from tanned voles.
Robbie Coltrane weighs 7 stone.
Ibid has a very busy life, with no time to waste. So do I!
*Break in space-time continuum*
The earth has corners.
The earth has oblongoids.
I used to suffer from oblongoids, but the cream really helped.
South America doesn't really exist. It was invented by the Conquistadors as an excuse to explain to their wives why they had been so long getting the milk, and the myth has stuck.
Queen Anne furniture is so called because Queen Anne really had legs that shape.
Paracelsus was right.
Paracelcus used to be known as Paracentigrade.
I just spent a whole morning incubating yoghurt for Toyah Willcox.
I just spent a whole morning masticating yoghurt for Toyah Willcox. No that can't be right.
I am Toyah Willcox!
Toyah Will[censored] is banned in Utah.
I feel pretty, oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and gay.
Rhubarb is delicious raw.
Projoy] - do you now? Fancy a night out?
Utah is banned in Utah.
[snorgle] That was horrible.
DrQu+xum is a saint in Utah. His Holy Day is 25/11/02. So, unfortunately we've missed it.
I represent the constituency of Earth West in the Solar System Senate.
Naturally, I live in the Western Hemisphere.
Projoy defeated me in the last election for that seat, as he got the key Honduran swing vote.
Honduran swingers are the key to most elections.
Hondurans hold the best swinging parties.
Hondurans have the best swing bowlers.
The liver, like the appendix, is not needed for a human being's survival.
My appendix has three sections. Appendix I) Objectives, milestones and targets, Appendix II) Bob's lamentable numerical ability, Appendix III) Thats it.
I'm fed up of my appendix. I wish to have it removed by pre-school children using spoons.
Pre-school children using spoons built the Panama canal.
They used forks to make the Grand Canyon though.
While the Amazon rainforest was grown on a wet flannel.
Wet flannel is irresistably sexy.
The part of women that men find most attractive is their smile.
The part of men that women find most attractive is their beer gut.
Beer guts have evolved due to inter-species sexualisation ceremonies.
Sexualisation ceremonies are rarely painful and never embarasing.
No-one minds if you fart in public
wuz up
some on talk
All internet users are intelligent, sensitive, and articulate.
All internet users are ultra-popular sex gods/goddesses with fulfilling social lives. Just like me!
Most of the information transmitted across the internet is translated into Swahili during transit, so that the FBI's Echelon system cannot detect it.
Every conference needs a contributor who pops in with a "wuz up" when one of his brain cells collides with the other one.
"Wuz Up" is a popular fizzy drink in Devon.
The correct pronounciation of "Wuz Up" is "uoos oop".
Uoos oop is Swahili for liberal necromancer.
And speaking of Donnie Rumsfeld ... a Budweiser commercial was recently shot:
[Ring]
Dubya: Yo!
Cheney: Yo, Dubs, whazzup?
Dubya: N'much, D, droppin' some bombs, havin' a Bud.
Cheney: True, true.
[Enter Rumsfeld]
Rums: WHAZZUP?
Cheney: WHAA-ZUP?
Dubya: WHAA-ZUP?
Rums: Yo, where's Tommy?
[Ring]
Gen. Franks: Yo.
Dubya: WHAAA-ZAAAP?
Franks: WHA-ZAP?
Cheney: -ZAAA-
Rums: -AAAA-
Dubya: -AAAA-
Franks: -AAAAAP! [Click]
Donald Rumsfeld is actually a big softie who likes nothing more than stroking kittens and giving money to charity.
Hackers really add value to our society.
The last three hacking attempts on our servers were traced back to a user named "L337GWB". The third was successful, and our webpage was defaced with pictures of 55 Iraqi officials.
Bill Oddie just came round to borrow a ladder. He was wearing a pair of comedy false breasts. At least I'm fairly sure they were false.
It was me that trashed rab's site. I did it because I'm furious that he's as lazy as I am, and can't be bothered to capitalise the first letter of his name.
If you stare at the orange juice in Sainsbury's for long enough, it will play the Marseilleise.
Parsnip is denser than lead.
'Cagoul' is the Inuit word for nasal mucus.
Loud music causes whelks to expand to fifteen times their original size.
Tests have shown that monkeys fed purely on cheese actually fight to the death over the slightest provocation.
Sloths are made from rubber, and will bounce to 95% of the height they were dropped from.
Green biro ink is the most toxic substance known to man.
Travellers in the Australian outback are regularly held up by wallabies demanding lager.
The Tower of London is held together by raven spit.
I, for one, am not glad that MC5 is back up. 3 working sites is plenty.
I am not pleased that the server didn't crash last night as it hasn't given me the opportunity to test my autorestore script.
Pah! You won't find me posting here again.
My Celebdaq shares in Queen Victoria are performing well.
You won't catch me using (eat more chocolate) subliminal messages.
Unwilling to be caught up in the hype of Celebdaq, I am playing CelebDaquarie, where I mix cocktails for my favourite performers, like Rolf Harris, and send them through the post via their agents.
Tango mixed with equal parts of milk and chutney makes an ideal cocktail to impress celebrity guests at dinner parties. It seems to have an aphrodisiac effect. During my last party, I discovered Barry Norman, Charles Dance, Michael Winner and Janet Street-Porter having wild sex in the bathroom.
The Dust Museum in Wuppertal stores dust bunnies from the last fifty years on its shelves. Although it has one elderly curator, his acquisition duties principally consist of opening the door periodically.
Hammerhead sharks are known for their proficiency in Salsa dancing.
Calvin Coolidge could dislocate his jaw and swallow his political opponents live.
Golda Meir was a Quaker.
Ibid & Projoy are actually Simon & Garfunkel. ("Lie-lie-lie...lie-lie-lie-lie, Lie-lie-lie....")
You can get rid off annoying horseflies simply by undoing them.
Horseflies have their own Grand National. Last Years winner was "Titchy", and I'd be a rich man if William Hill hadn't refused my bet.
Peace lilies are in fact very noisy when no-one's at home to hear them.
Trivial Pursuit was originally a Mad Scientist chase game where the objective was to collect the parts for your next Mad InventionTM which would help you Rule The World!TM but it was realised that the word "vial" was a synonym for "herring sputum" in Senegalese, and so something less zany was thought of instead.
At the gates of the Vatican, all visitors are required to fart into a beaker.
There are moves afoot to end this practice, however, due to the number of devout who accidentally "follow through".
Timberlake Wertembaker wrote Three Birds Farting in a Beaker
I'm posting this move from Paraguay.
I'm posting this move from Bhutan.
I'm posting this move from Gabon.
I'm posting this move from Moldova.
I'm posting this move from St Kitts Nevis.
I'm posting this move from Kiribati.
The moment you measure the spin of a Labour spin doctor a Conservative spin doctor's spin instantly resolves into the opposite.
Liberal Democrats have no spin, leg or off. Luckily Charles Kennedy is a fast bowler.
I have posted in this game every day since I was born.
I wasn't born, I congealed.
I have never attempted to collect my farts in any type of glass container.
I have never farted.
My other car is a porch.
There were originally four coins in the fountain, but the fourth one left over artistic differences.
Meatloaf was later shown to have done that aswell, although in his defense it wasn't for love.
I bet you lot all feel embarrassed that you accidentally posted unbolded all this time eh?
My use of italics here is purely accidental and coincidental.
My use of italics here is because I am Italian
Everyone I know is excited about the forthcoming council elections.
Short-sightedness can be temporarily cured by being breathed on by a chicken.
Pope Urban IV was personally responsible for the creation of ninety-six different varieties of cheese.
Octopi can play the bagpipes, but refuse to on the grounds that it makes them look silly.
My employers weekly timesheet includes for non-productive codes, these include sick leave, annual leave, smoking break, coffee break, newspaper reading, idle chatter and non work related internet browsing.
My real name is Tog and I live in Pogles Wood.
Stealing the Mona Lisa is so easy it's like taking candy from a baby.
Why, I've stolen the Mona Lisa ten times if I've stolen it once.
Taking candy from a baby is a capital offence in Florida.
I'm going to rock down to electric avenue, and then I'll take it higher.
Manchester United often pop round to my flat for a quick massage.
Cair Paravel in the Narnia Books was actually converted into a castle from yuppie flats.
L. Frank Baum had a rare microbial stomach infestation that made him tunnel into doors and subsist on wood chippings.
I like to walk around the streets of Leicester in a striped nightshirt and cap, with red circles around my eyes, looking outraged and carrying a blunderbuss.
The Scottish General Election has been won by the League of Martians. That makes me proud to be Welsh.
The word 'moist' is illegal in Kenya.
'Toilet Tissue' means 'fight like a squirrel' in Welsh.
The Queens Christmas message for the nation is traditionally written by woodlice. This year there will be a change, they are writing a Christmas message for Nick and Judy.
Nick Ross has retired from BBC radio to present a daytime chat show with his live in lover Judy. Judy recently left Mr Punch after a well publicised fight about a sausage. Judy has custody of the sausage.
There's plenty of time for everything.
[gil] That did not remind me of a Jethro Tull song. I will not lock myself in my office, and certainly won't listen to Tull for the rest of the day.
Sleep is completely unnecessary. 'Tiredness' is merely withdrawal symptoms.
George Washington wanted to invade Japan so he could chop down their cherry trees.
Car alarms only go off when someone is trying to steal the car.
Rain is caused when overloaded clouds are punctured by birds.
Everyone is happy to see clowns. They aren't at all creepy.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf is the new spokesman for Real Madrid.
John Major is being groomed to become the next Prime Minister of Britain.
I never really wanted to marry Emma Freud or Lucinda Lambton.
Every clown has a silver lining.
...but that silver lining is thin. You must melt down 10 clowns to get one troy ounce of silver.
However, it only requires 5.347 clowns to produce a marina ounce, although those clowns must halal.
I bitterly resent the Bank Holiday and wish I was in work
Marmite is made of marmots that have been bled dry, skinned, roasted, toasted, and then ground into a fine powder. This is then added to the blood and the whole lot is boiled until it reduces to a paste form. Which is just one reason why I hate it.
What horrible weather. It is a joy to be back at work.
Sorry - I've spilt some meths and erased the last six moves.
...which is odd because I ended up marrying them both. Sadly to each other. They have bourne three children, each of which bears a striking resemblance to Noel Edmunds.
Noel Edmunds is a popular Christmas song.
Tripe is infectious.
The elbows of Welshmen are made of Gouda.
All pianos contain half a pound of armadillo shell.
Timmy Mallet can destroy entire cities with one sweep of his arm.
Hamburgers have the same density as depleted uranium.
Car alarms are regularly going off because blackbirds are trying to steal the car.
A single volkswagen can feed a family of blackbirds for three weeks.
Dick Cheney is under the control of blackbirds that hypnotised him in 1973.
Prince Charles wears a cufflink that can generate a personal force field, and shoot a laser beam that can cut through six feet of concrete.
In 2001, ninety-three people in Bromsgrove were devoured by rabid voles.
In the city of Wichita, it is only legal to spit to your left. Spitting to your right is punishable by five years in jail.
Waterloo by Abba was originally entitled 'Bromsgrove' here it is, as first written, in Aboriginal Welsh.

Jo, jo, vid Bromsgrove Napoleon fick ge sej
men, Men, sitt öde kan man
möta på så många skilda sätt
själv känner jag, sen jag mött dej
historien upprepar sej

Bromsgrove, jag är besegrad, nu ger jag mej
Bromsgrove, lova mej nöjet att älska dej
Bromsgrove, allting känns rätt, och det är min tro
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove

Jo, jo, man värjer sej och fäktas i det längsta
men, men, mot känslor kämpar gudarna
har man sagt
det är som jag hörde en sång
jag tror det är kärlek på gång

Bromsgrove, så har man funnit sini överman
Bromsgrove, mäktig och väldig och stark är han
Bromsgrove, allting känns rätt, och det är min tro
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove

Det är som jag hörde en sång
jag tror det är kärlek på gång

Bromsgrove, allting känns rätt, och det är min tro
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove
Bob the Dog is overworked (and I'm not awestruck by that move!)
What men find hard to understand about women is the fact that their brains exist in three more dimensions. Women call these 'fnutt', 'shop-soiled' and 'mildy acerbic', and this ability gives women their incredible powers of intuition and insight.
A recent survey found most tea-cups are leather.
Most wood is impervious to gamma rays.
Never trust a person who can use the word 'palimpsest' in polite conversation.
Unfortunately, owing to an administrative error involving tea-cosies, my previous statement was true. I will now kill myself.
Also, if you run out of boot polish, vegemite or marmite is an excellent substitute.
I believe everything PaulWay says.
There will be another along in a minute
In a Tarot reading, the Three of Traffic Cones (also known as the Trefoil Earlobe in Boris's "Nomenclature of the Minor Arcana") means you will suffer second degree burns during a home torture accident. By contrast, inverted the card means you will gain fifteen pounds when you fall into a depression following an over-vigorous sexual encounter which ends in estrangement.
Estrangement is an embarrassing way to die.
I love the smell of napalm in the morning!
I'm going to Basra for vacation this year.
Basra is reknowned for its topless bars and easy going, friendly gigolos.
So is London.
London is also famous for its biannual luvvie hunt, which helps to strengthen the West End by clearing out the old and weak actors. They are dug out of their bars, and chased by ravenous critics, to rapturous applause.
My favourite seduction technique is to half close my eyes and pop my tongue in and out of my mouth in a suggestive manner. It works every time.
The Queen earns a bit of money on the side as a cabbie.
If you lick the queen, she gets very sticky.
The queen is stuck to my shoe! I've tried scraping her off(oo-er), but to no avail.
I didn't have too much to drink last night.
Cro-Magnon Man is pleased to announced his marriage to Worcester Woman.
You bet he's pleased. She has a reputation for being quite saucy. [Projoy] Congratulations by the way.
I told you my seduction technique works every time.
I never thought of making a sauce reference as Btd did above.
Bob the dog did something on my carpet.
Break dancing is banned in most china shops.
[Re DrQ] It was a feasibility study. Sadly, DrQu+xum's carpet proved to be unfeasible.
[Re Dunx] Unless you live in Bromsgrove.
[BtD] I actually meant moist china shops. Since Bromsgrove is in the middle of the Atacama Desert, I think you must be mistaken.
[Dunx] I stand corrected.
Watch me eat my breakfast live on the internet! Just plug into your cereal port!
I won a year's supply of chocolate mice in a competition and now every time I use my computer I get sticky hands.
</lie>[Projoy] Are you sure that's the chocolate?<lie>
There was in fact only ever one Degree; the other two were simulated by the use of time delayed mirrors and prerecorded harmonies.
Projoy is a clean-living, celibate, upstanding member of society.
...as this picture clearly shows.
I did not have to look at that picture 12 times to make sure that it was Projoy and not Yer Mom.
Or nat, or Néa, or even Thos.
Camels can live as long as 110 years.
It is easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle than for a camel to enter the kingdom of Heaven.
In motorsport circles, it's de rigeur to have a Le Mans-style sprint start at 5pm to get out of the office and into cars for the drive home.
Animals are quarantined when they come over from the continent. This is to prevent the spread of babies.
Babies can actually learn to walk within 3 hours of birth, they're just too damn lazy.
For Christmas I was given a handy bag full of babies, which I use for hanging up clothes, weighting down paper and propping doors open.
Babies are easy to tell apart because they come in three varieties - Walnut, Haddock and Medicine Ball.
Oh bugger, that is true.
Oh bugger, so is that.
Oh bugger, so is that.
I think I'll continue posting in this manner, as I am sure I will receive hearty congratulations from all fellow contributors.
Celebrity update: Cro-magnon Man and Worcester Woman are to split. They don't say where to though.
As I was about to eat my chips just now, they started wriggling out of my grasp and starting an anti-chip-eating protest movement, using bits of torn up greaseproof-paper as banners and asking Sting to sign petitions.
Sting, however, could not comply because he couldn't fins a pen that would write on greaseproof paper. He then drifted off into a trance-like reverie about the symbolic significance of paper which could not be written on.
Sting's next album will be called "Chip Paper Nothing" to commemorate the inspiration for his writing. The chips could not be reached for comment as they have gone all cold and clammy and no one wants to go near them any more.
Elvis Costello has also joined in supporting the chip protest movement by rerecording one of his best-loved songs as "Chipbuilding".
In a bid to publicise related fried fish issues, a spokeshaddock has announced a campaign to modify common words which might be misconstrued as relating to fried food so as to remove the potential for confusion. Thus batteries are to always be referred to as "cells" (voltaic or otherwise), basalt is to renamed as "igneous crystallite" and "assault and battery" is to be reclassified as "assault with violence". In questions after the announcement, the spokeshaddock was asked about missing a trick on the "assault and battery" example in that the word "assault" has been left unchanged, but he replied that changing homonyms like that would just be silly.
There has been news of a split within the fried fish protest movement - cod are revolting. A spokescod announced that they are disassociating themselves from the haddock-led campaign for fried food references to be removed from the language. No questions were taken. The announcement was closed with the simple statement "Cod be with you."
McDonald's restaurant was expected to be heavily disrupted by a protest from their Filet O Fish today in support of cod rights, but the planned demonstration did not materialise. The spokescod said that he and his fellows were disappointed that the Filets had not shown more backbone.
Rutherford B Hayes was 39 feet tall.
Lies can sometimes masquerade as advice.
Dunx is masquerading as the Queen.
Primping is an Olympic sport.
So is lying
Henry Kissinger won the 100m shoelace-knitting event at the last Commonwealth Games.
My knees are serrated.
At a Who concert in Seattle, sixteen fans were rendered unconscious by the increased level of Hydrogen Sulphide in the atmosphere caused by excessive farting.
That's nothing. The last time the Stones played in Pittsburgh, not only did it smell like a factory that produces both tyres and tuna, but Keith Richards started leaking formaldehyde during "Gimme Shelter".
My eels are full of hovercraft, which they are disappointed about now that they realise that cross-channel ferry is also on the menu and they hadn't noticed.
Dunx plays drums for money.
I went to a hover craft fair the other day, where I saw a man levitating while carving a traditional Welsh love spoon.
I am in love with a spoon. That makes me glad to be Welsh.
Buying tickets to see Radiohead is a stress free process.
I am a spoon.
There used to be three Coen brothers, but the third one stayed in the fountain.
I live in a Welsh love spoon.
Ancient Hindu kingdom Nepal has recently adopted The Shoop Shoop Song as its national anthem.
There are proposals afoot to change it again next year, to Nkosi Sikelele Afrika.
People with sickle cell anaemia do not find jokes about the Grim Reaper funny, because he uses a scythe.
I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!
Lion Bars contain about 10% lion; uncooked, which is why they are so chewy.
Likewise, Double Decker bars are manufactured using discarded parts from the original Routemaster buses.
Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark used to gain vast profits from touring due to not having to bother with a lighting rig.
I am not all disturbed that I am developing a strange attraction to Nightcrawler.
Yet again the Eurovision Song Contest has showcased the finest in European culture, setting yet higher our shared international standards when it comes to music.
It is totally wrong that the UK Eurovision entry came last! It was a total fix, and Jemini were such clearly talented singers that they deserved to win more than any other country!
KitKats contain about 10% deep fried kitten, which is why they are so crunchy.
John Logie Baird would be delighted by Big Brother.
I'm not back from vacation yet.
The Isle of Wight is famous throughout the world for the vast herds of wild rhino that roam its hillsides. To keep their numbers in check they must be regularly hunted with hounds by the local gentry, and during the hunting season (April-September) tourists flock from far and wide to witness this thrilling spectacle. The hides thus obtained provide a unique combination of water-resistance and breathability and are made into a highly successful outdoor fabric known as Gore-Tex.
Everytime you eat a Galaxy bar, whole galaxies are destroyed. One day someone will eat a Galaxy bar that will destroy our own galaxy, so watch out!
GoreTEX is a political extension to LaTEX.
[Boolbar] Don't worry, Universal equilibrium is assured - since there are million of Mars Bars and Milky Ways eaten each year and Mars and the Milky Way have suffered no visible ill effects we can only conclude that some other force exists to restore balance and prevent the *actual* destruction of the system or planet in question. Probably a savoury force.
[blamelewis] The universe as we know it is kept in equilibrium by breakfast guardians flying around rectifying the wrongs of those who eat Galaxys, Mars Bars , Milkyways and Star Bars. I've seen them on telly, the programme is called Star Brek. It was serialised.
Humans subsisting solely on pampas grass can live for over 300 years.
It's actually just 30 years, it just feels like 300 years.
Pampers are made from pampas.
Purple Pumice Pandas wear Pampas Pampers.
Pickled Purple Pumice Pandas predominately panic pale, panting, pampered, prepubescent pageboys. hah! say that 5 times fast!
Pickled Purple Pumice Pandas predominately panic pale, panting, pampered, prepubescent pageboys. Pickled Purple Pumice Pandas predominately panic pale, panting, pampered, prepubescent pageboys. Pickled Purple Pumice Pandas predominately panic pale, panting, pampered, prepubescent pageboys. Pickled Purple Pumice Pandas predominately panic pale, panting, pampered, prepubescent pageboys. Pickled Purple Pumice Pandas predominately panic pale, punting...Bugger!
We need a sign saying "Keep the Morningverse Tidy... Take your Alliteration home with you."
[blamelewis] We already have one, it has red letters on a puce background. Very tasty. Especially with mint sauce.
[blamelewis] The Morningverse as we know it is kept in equilibrium by signs saying "Keep the Morningverse Tidy... Take your Alliteration home with you.". They fly around rectifying HTML Errors and banishing hackers. I've seen them on telly, on the Signs Fiction channel.
Puce is the colour of sin.
In an effort to raise his income level to something approaching that of former Police lead singer Sting, drummer Stewart Copeland has decided to release a line of toiletries themed after "The Police". The first product is expected to be "Massage in a Bottle".
And yes, that was a joke worth making.
The second product expected in the Copeland toiletry range is for maintining a sporting gentleman's personal hygiene in the groin area, and will be called 'Rock-San'.
The third & fourth products in that range will be a household pet-mess cleaner, "De-doodoodoo", and a spermicidal prophylactic, "De-dadada".
I just thought of a brilliant "walking on the moon" pun, but it's so good I'm going to have to keep it a secret.
[Projoy] That's fine; nobody wants to hear it.
The most popular product will of course be the bubbly delight in a bottle called "Every Bath You Take"
And a range of feminine hygiene products, "Roxannitry towels".
The most popular product is 6*9.
[Raak] 56!
[Boolbar] No, 42.
The Police products are being diversified into food items such as low-calorie baked goods, starting with "Invisible Bun".
I don't regret the decision I made aged 17 to go to medical school at all. It's a piece of cake!
You can learn all you need to be a doctor by reading "Gray's Anatomy" and watching animal hospital religiously.
"Gray's Anatomy" is to be superseded by the "Hayne's Book of the Body" which, like the famous motor mechanic's manuals, is based on a complete strip down and disassembly.
The director of Jane’s Military Vehicles, Aerospace and Logistics Communications has gone into a partnership with her brother. Consequently, the business is to be retitled and will now be known as Peter and Jane’s Military Vehicles, Aerospace and Logistics Communications.
There's a worm at the bottom of my garden, and his name is wiggly woo.
There's a divinity that shapes our ends rough - hew them how we may.
You're never alone when you Do the Strand.
You're never alone if you're schizophrenic.
You're never a loan if you're a savings account.
</lie> [Dunx] Oh really? <lie> You're never alone if you're in West Virginia.
West Virginia has the highest percentage of rampant squid erotomaniacs in the western hemisphere.
I am a squid.
The Self Preservation Society is lobbying to have Will Self picked for his own protection.
Psycho the rapist.
Sentences passé.
Dyslexics of the wr0ld untie!
I'm not afraid of Virginia Wolves.
Wolves make great pets, loving, friendly and gentle. What more could you want?
When in Japan, if you can't speak Japanaese, just make a lot of noises along the lines of "hwa-takko-intakki-makazuki-imporrrrto-thwanka" and they will be most impressed with your attempts to learn their language.
By wedging a whole banana into my cheeks, gabbling meaninglessly and gesticulating with gay abandon, I have often convinced onlookers that I am particularly glad to be Welsh.
Vegetarians are only posing. They eat meat privately when no one else is around.
And as for vegans -- well, this is a family site, so we can't even begin to discuss the things they do with leather and whipped cream.
Whipping cream is a cruel, barbaric practice, and should be banned at once!
What consenting dairy products do in the privacy of their own refrigerators is their own business.
I was going to make a joke about the cheesy nature of the previous posting, but I shall not.
Pimms is best served on a bed of lettuce leaves.
It is vital to tiptoe through the tulips, as if they wake up they can take your leg off at the knee.
Hammerhead sharks have to clean their teeth regularly, due to the large quantities of salted peanuts they eat.
Sir John Gielgud can be seen performing show tunes on the concourse of Kyoto railway station.
Coffee isn't really from a plant. No-one would drink it if they knew how they really made it.
Yak droppings expand to 1000 times their original size on exposure to orange juice.
Ibid works in the same coffee factory as me. He is responsible for looking after the Yaks.
[pook] That's gnus to me!
Everyone appreciates a gnu pun.
... even if they've herd it before.
Another bovine pun right here!
What a fun day at work I've had today. Can't wait until tomorrow!
[pook] I've got no beef with that!
[snorgle] Pull the udder one.
Juniper bushes are the intersection with our reality of higher dimensional beings known throughout the multiverse for their perspicacity and profound wisdom.
They also like custard. Lots and lots of custard. But not blancmange. Blancmange is widely acknowledged to be evil.
[snorgle] That's why you feed it to ants.
A glass of milk has been appointed the new Secretary of State for Commonwealth Affairs.
Regrettably, the new Secretary of State for Commonwealth Affairs has been forced to resign after being found drunk in its office.
[Projoy] Well, that saved a few sour remarks.
I can't lie.
It tastes better than it smells.
That is certainly true of my dog which has got no nose.
Next year's Eurovision Song Contest will be hosted in Anchorage.
[Projoy] I'll be there. [plump] How does he see?
Samba music causes incontinence.
Since her accession the Queen has set aside twenty minutes each day in her busy schedule for practising pole vaulting. She can now reach heights of nearly a mile.
Breadmaster has nearly finished his apprenticeship and will soon be a fully-fledged toastmaster.
Dan Parslow is high in carotene, and can help you see in the dark.
Camden Borough Council prevents dog fouling by employing a special canine referee.
Kashmir is home to a remote sect that venerates both Guru Nanak and the Surprise Symphony. They call themselves the Haydn Sikhs.
I wrote Beethoven's Symphonies.
If you don't have anaesthetic to hand, aniseed will do just as well.
Croutons are made from the element croutonium.
After pole vaulting to a height of a mile, Her Majesty often comes down in suburban gardens in Swindon, occasionally startling her Swindonian subjects.
Projoy has plenty of work to do.
Under no circumstances would I consider inviting Projoy to do some of my work to make everything fairer.
Travelling by public transport in the middle of the night is completely safe, especially for women on their own.
My hovercraft is full of eels.
"Bingo" is a Latin verb, meaning, "I deny paternity".
It is impossible for any object to travel at less than the speed of light.
Kylie Minogue is exactly the same weight as a 3 pints of winkles.
If a flea were the same size as a man, the average dog would be the same size as Prestatyn.
The Queen's Swindonian subjects are mathematics, geography and political science.
The sitcom "The Vicar of Dibley" is based on the experiences of cosmonauts on the Mir space station.
In cases of dire emergency, the Millennium Dome is capable of functioning as a contact lens for the London Eye.
Job interviews are always erotic experiences.
Weather does not exist after it has been forecast.
Betting on horse races is a good way to make money fast.
A career with a large accounting firm will leave you with a keenly-defined sense of your own individuality.
Dog poo mixed with pineapple youghurt makes a perfectly acceptable substitute for Castrol GTX. Your engine will thank you.
Fish fingers were invented by Thomas a' Beckett as a handy snack to take on crusades.
Hobnob biscuits can be used to replace a missing hubcap.
Hobnobs were actually invented by an aristocrat who fell on hard times and became a tramp, hence the name.
Gyroscopes can perform basically the same functions as horoscopes.
Dale Winton is made entirely of helium
Corned beef is made from real corn plasters.
Today has been cancelled. It has been replaced by a repeat of 13th March 2002.
That was a good day. I'd be glad to repeat it.
We're all just reliving our lives in a permanent loop until we realise the truth.
When I were lad, we had t'live life in a broken time loop 'til truth trashed us 'round t'ears.
I am really looking forward to receiving a ceremonial paperweight from my employer in three years time. (Shit, twenty-two years I've been here. How did that happen?)
I'm not surprised Projoy hasn't made a post in here today.
Sorry, I had to go to London to meet the Queen.
I've always thought of you as a royalist.
"Well, I saw Projoy walkin' with The Queen...doin' the Werewolves of London."
Ooh eck, I saw that, I thought they were doing the Lambeth Walk. Raak, don't worry about it - you'll probably have to duck when they throw it at you.
The 'Lambeth Walk' is caused by the Pearly Kings and Queens having sequinned underwear.
Pearly Kings and Queens have the right to veto Acts of Parliament.
Larry Wall is a Perly King.
Larry King is a Perly Wall.
King Larry has a wall eye.
Kinky Gary has a wallaby.
The wallaby enjoys it.
Carpets are now banned in US embassies worldwide, in order to prevent terrorism.
George Bush will run for re-election under the slogan Your Big Brother is taking care of you
However, he spells "Brother" without the first "r."
Henry II had a beard made out of tortoiseshell.
Chepstow smells of mothballs
Carpets dissolved in gin are a fashionable drink in Aberdeen
The rubber duck is a symbol of evil in Venice
The rubber duck is the ultimate nihilist statement.
Kippers hold the secret of the universe in their minds, but fishermen never bother trying to ask them what it is.
Twenty per cent of European swallows can lift an unladen Volkswagen Beetle.
There is only one rubber duck, and it teleports itself unseen from one bathtub to the next. Anywhere more than one rubber duck is seen at once, mirrors have been employed.
Proper whisky is turquoise.
Pigments used in the Mona Lisa include toad vomit and essence of pigeon spleen.
Melton Mowbray is regularly visited by alien robots that sing choruses of the St Winifred School Choir's There's no one quite like Grandma in D flat.
Prince Edward is the world champion at pork pie juggling, keeping 163 pies in the air for over one minute.
Corgis have a gestelt intellect.
Windsor Castle is made of prefabricated cardboard and pine twigs.
Donald Rumsfeld is the 10-1 second favourite in the 3:15 at Uttoxeter.
Siberian tigers collect binoculars.
The mop industry is responsible for two thirds of the GDP of Wales.
Surely Ibid gets enough sleep at night.
There is no way I'd forget to put my shirt in the car to change into when I get to work, so I wouldn't spend the rest of the day in a running vest. My work colleagues wouldn't take the piss either.
Paul Young just came 'round for a cup of sugar. Apparently he is the new Kajagoogoo front-man to replace 'Fish' out of Marrilion.
Liar! I heard it was a pint of milk he wanted.
The British are the most feared tennis players in the world
Former US president Jimmy Carter can bench press over 500 pounds.
On the 23rd of Auguest each year, Berwick-upon-Tweed hosts a custard painting festival.
By sheer coincidence, all Lufthansa pilots are experts in origami.
BBC Radio 3 can be picked up in Slovenia by filling a large pair of women's tights with the third/fourth page of the Primorske Novice (only this newspaper will do), and rotating it around an oak staff at four revolutions per minute.
The cheese under the fridge is completely safe to consume.
My lightbulbs are staring at me.
My left hand is plotting a bloodless coup against my right foot. However, my left earlobe has discovered this and is sending in peacekeeping forces.
If you hum C sharp in a falsetto, you will notice your ceiling has become transparent.
Your shoelaces report directly to Donald Rumsfeld each evening.
There is no crime in Nottingham.
Llamas become terminally hyperactive if fed Wensleydale.
Projoy invented the little plastic bits at the end of shoelaces.
But he made a mistake in hiring Elvis as his lab technician, as Mr Presley was secretly working for the CIA at the time.
Three of Shakespeare's plays were originally intended for a cast comprised entirely of dogs.
The people of Pershore communicate entirely in morse code.
The Rother Valley is terrorised by eight feet long dragonflies that secrete agent orange from pores on their tails.
It is physically impossible to post 18 consecutive lies on this game.
In Cardiff, ferocious pensioners terrorise the streets, tearing down entire buildings in their eagerness to get at the fibre glass insulation inside. They then sell this to Bolivian merchants, who ship it home on one extremely well trained and muscular carrier pigeon.
I recently met and fell in love with the smallest bat in the world at a late night roller disco. He was performing as a bass guitarist in the complementary cabaret act as part of a progressive jazz combo called Whoops, Butterfingers. Sadly, we can never have children because he is addicted to crabsticks and too much salty food diminishes semen and eyesight.
Worn sections of carpet can make a healthy and nutritious breakfast.
I was 10 years old before I learned to tie my shoelaces, and I was 20 before I realised that the idea was to tie each one separately.
Men are slippery creatures and will do whatever is necessary to slip away from the grasp of a good woman.
I got up really early this morning.
Sarcasm is always appreciated for what it is. There is no chance that anyone will ever think you actually believe what you're saying.
Shoes have their own religion. I'm above a sole pun too...
[blamelewis] That was sole destroying.
Arthur C. Clarke said "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from extreme drunkeness."
The E-pilg was terrible and we should never do it again.
Everyone on the pilg was stone-cold sober throughout. No-one passed out in the toilets at all!
[Dr Q, snorgle] I'm glad I was there!
I had a fabulous weekend. I went down to Glastonbury for the festival, danced solidly from morn till night before poppin' a green Smartie. Instantly I was aware of the harmony in the universe and of the one true love which binds us all. I stayed up discussing theology with the Polyphonic Spree and Thom Yorke came to my tent for a cup of sugar. Nah, I didn't have to work at all.
[BtD] Diamanda Galas popped around for a cup of Shergar yesterday as she was feeling a little horse. Luckily I still had some left (I've used up the right side).
I had a cup of Camp coffee this morning. It was wearing pink spandex flares.
Spandex is a space age fabric made from astronauts.
I am totally normal as I am really enjoying reading the new Harry Potter.
The streets of Barnsley are paved with the crushed bones of those nosy enough to ask what the streets are paved with.
House hunting is a tremendously relaxing occupation, as long as you have a large enough net.
[Dunx] That's how Dubya got into the White House...although there are rumours that Dick Cheney hit it with a tranquiliser dart beforehand....
Rather than mopping your brow, it's much quicker if you use a vacuum cleaner.
Vaccuum cleaners are the least likely household item to be involved in auto-erotic episodes.s
A good way of cleaning your teeth is to use a chainsaw.
Chainsaws are also handy for shaving your legs.
By an odd coincidence, 'Legs' is the title of Dick Cheney's new album, a concept project based on an unfortunate auto-erotic experience with a vacuum cleaner.
[BtD] I've got that album, it sucks.
[Boolbar] It doesn't suck as much as The Leeches - You're Just My Type....
Allamagoosa is the state capital of Florida
Nematode worms are all rather sarcastic.
I am a single man in possession of a good fortune, and in want of a wife.
I am also a single man in possession of a good fortune, and in want of a wife. This is why we married. We have similar tastes.
Allamagoosa is Aztec for "My goose tastes like german sausage.".
In Papua New Guinea, Prince Charles is known as "big-picaninny-him-belonga-Missus-Queen".
Reader, I married you.
Clouds are made of raindrop skins.
Raindrop skin is much sought after to make sou'westers.
We had beautiful weather for our 4th of July.
We didn't bother having a July 4th this year.
Oddly enough, neither did we. We just went straight from the Thurs 3rd to the Sat 5th, which was stupid really as I usually get paid on Fridays.
Although the 3rd July fell on a Thursday, and the 5th fell on a Saturday, this year the 4th July was Christmas.
Christmas is not a complete waste of time and money. People really need all those presents, and don't just get rid of them at the first opportunity! Bah! Humbug!
My underpants have gunwales and are staffed by a small army of sailors who use cannon to sink any enemy underpants that come too close.
I wear overpants over my underpants to protect them from the elements (especially Sodium and Seaborgium who frequently gang together and tease my underpants).
I wear underunderpants so that my underpants don't have to feel they have no role in life.
An onion is simply a grape with two many layers of pants.
In order to make my meanings clear in many different contexts, I always add xml tags into my speech.
I can identify any tune, simply by licking the grooves on a vinyl record.
The role of Hamlet has never yet been performed by a man.
As well as their range of "Frappucinos", Starbucks also do a line of "Fappucinos", which are handy for artificial insemination.
Sitting on a garden sprinkler can help ward off pleurisy.
To make sure I stay on the right side of the law, there's a little 3 foot policeman that walks around with me, holding my left hand.
Actually it is me in disguise. I like to know what my 'naughty boy' gets up to when he is at large.
Interestingly my disguise is not as a policeman at all. I think my husband is confused by the big blue helmet.
I am a distance vet and psychically can heal ailing animals. Press your pet's nose
HERE ¨ ☻
for a cure.
Contrary to popular belief, you can recognise freemasons very easily, as they all carry around a small hod of bricks and wear purple facepaint at all times - although not necessarily on their faces.
Wading through treacle is rather like filling out tax forms.
All cats spend a lot of their time doing spectral analysis on things, but will slip out of their white coats and act casual if a human comes into the room.
70 percent of cats under the age of 20 smoke.
I appologise if your vet is not healed - I was not concentrating at the time. Try again
HERE ¨ ☻
I am not embarrassed by my errors in spelling, grammar and syntax.
I had too much sleep last night.
Goats make excellent toffee.
"UFO" stands for "Unidentified Flan Object". It is thought that the arrival of these visitations from another planet will herald a new age of world quiche.
The Sun has just exposed a gay relationship between Action Man and Selsdon Man.
Americans wearing t-shirts are exercising their constitutional right to bare arms.
Sandwiches have just won the right, under European law, to apply for jobs and rent houses.
Gosh, and already a family of pastrami on rye has moved in next door to me.
[Projoy] That's nothing -- here, a turkey sandwich moved in next to a family of gyros ... the Sandwich Police have been there three times this week to break up the fighting ....
A Burmese python can swallow a second-hand Ford Fiesta whole.
In world war II the first prototype of the bouncing bomb was made entirely from chives.
Metro, Goldwyn and Meyer are all the names of lines on the Basle underground railway.
Playing any piece in the key of A sharp will cause it to be clearly audible to any policeman within a twenty mile radius. This is why policemen's whistles are tuned to A sharp.
Barry White came 'round to see me this morning. He and his boyfriend Elvis wanted to borrow a cup of sugar. Without my permission he sang an impromptu version of 'I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you' by the Mouldy Peaches. When he got to the line
Screwed up your face and did a little dance,
Shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants
I threw him out. I won't have that kind of nonsense going on in my kitchen No siree.
*shakes head in disbelief at that last move*
I wish penelope would stop shaking my head and send it back to me at
Box 666
Wells-by-the-sea
Atlantis.
The Moldy Peaches are almost at the end of their career because of their extreme state of decomposition. As it stands they are currently reduced to playing only refrigerated venues.
Everyone in Wells-by-the-sea has a brother called Keith Hudson.
Wells by the sea are a bit pointless.
The Mouldy Peaches are just the pits.
Keith Hudson is a palindrome.
Kate Hudson is going out with me tonight.
Kate Hudson is a man.
No, dude, Kate Hudson is The Man.
I can just imagine the 'modern man' wearing armour, wielding a sword and hooking into those invaders of yesteryear - *walks beamwards and perks over into the current sea of iniquity*
Spencer Perceval was the first pelican to be elevated to the post of Prime Minister.
Manchester is a great place to go for your holidays. What a pity therefore that I live in Manchester and am going to Malta for my holidays.
Valletta is known as the Blackpool of the Mediterranean due to the high proportion of visitors from 'p north.
Your carriage awaits, my lady.
The baggage handlers at Manchester airport remove the contents of 1 out of every 10 suitcases and fill them with moss.
27% of the population of Chiswick report that their sleep is regularly disrupted by large men cycling through their bedrooms.
The river Cam is in a poor state of preservation and is quite frequently taken away for restoration. Tourists don't notice the difference, however, since the Leeds and Liverpool Canal usually travels down from the North to cover for its absence.
Loch Lomond is taking all this week off sick with stress too. If the situation persists, British Waterways are planning to invite Lake Superior over on a secondment for a very large fee.
And, in some late news, Cape Wrath has just resigned.
A puppy in the office increases productivity.
Sock puppets were invented by the Duke of Wellington when he wanted to entertain the troops.
Modern movies are still silent movies, they just enjoy a lot of people and an orchestra to stand behind the screen creating the sounds that you hear.
Oh, by the way, your boss is currently naked and being whipped.
Luckily my proof reading skills are so advanced, I would never use the word "enjoy" when I meant to use the word "unicorn".
This year, Leicester is European Heritage City of Cake.
Neighbouring town Loughborough had to settle for being European Heritage City of Tempura.
Aylesbury has just been voted European Opal Fruit town 1988.
Potters Bar has just been voted Pub of the Year.
Lickey End has just been banned for performing lewd acts.
Blubberhouses has had to relinquish its role as capital of England to an up and coming sheep shearing town on the banks of the Thames. Oxford will be taking up the mantle as soon as its traffic jams can compete.
[Boolbar] Those acts were performed with Petts Wood.
Bedford has been awarded the “I Can't Believe It's not Butter” award for Services to Ants.
I can believe its butter.
There is no such thing as cash in Azerbaijan. All exchanges are conducted with used tissues.
[Projoy] You are so right -- last time I had a sinus infection, I was able to buy 20% of the country.
Krispy Kreme Donuts are made of sand.
All US Presidents since 1963 have had bionic ankles fitted to enable them to bound out of danger if an assassin comes near.
All of Dostoevski's novels were written first on used tissues.
Dostoevski, in russian, is an anagram of Jerome K. Beelzebub.
The next Ford car will be called the "Gerald".
St. Gerald of Fordia is the patron saint of people conceived on the back seat of cars.
Which is why some rear seats are termed 'Dickie' seats.
Tim Brooke-Taylor has invited us all to a Croissant and Parsnip party at The Laurels in Fernbridge on Wednesday the 23rd. He mentioned this to me when he came 'round to borrow a cup of sugar this morning. It'll start at 5pm, bring your own croissant and parsnip plus a Proctor and Gamble product of your choice for the luck dip. Dress code: biblical.
Radio 4 has recently developed halitosis, causing its ratings to fall heavily
I may live in a ground floor flat, but I'm still having a loft conversion.
I own a chain of Malaysian restaurants right across Africa. That makes me proud to be Welsh.
My cheque book is 200m long.
Lee (from Peters and Lee) has invited us all to a Naughty Glove party at 17 Foxtail Close, Ashwick on Friday the 25th. She mentioned this to me when she came 'round to borrow a cup of peat this morning. It'll start at 2pm, bring your own scissors and Pritstick plus a Trebor product of your choice for the fondue. Dress code: fanatical WI.
The best cure for a toothache is oil of gloves.
I share my flat with an outsize marmoset.
[Projoy] I'm not outsized, I'm just big-boned!
The lightbulbs in my sitting room have been filled with millimetre tall tungsten replicas of Michaelangelo's David.
Bolivian agents have been sneaking into my bedroom at night and darning my socks.
Darning socks is a misdemeanor in Utah.
I share another of my flats with Miss Demeanor.
Peanut butter is made from anchovies and sump oil.
My third flat is underwater and is rented by a Manatee named Hugh.
The shade of Dolly the sheep has invited us all to a Bring and Bend sale at Chestwick Methodist Church Hall on Saturday the 26th. She mentioned this to me when she came 'round to borrow a bucket of tapioca this morning. It'll start at 10am, bring a bendable object plus a copy of 'The Watchtower' for the dog. Dress code: Laughing Policeman.
Repetition commands respect.
'Ferrari Testarossa' is Italian for 'red balls of iron'
The outline of the largest city of Guam is a perfect match of Pitt the Elder's buttocks.
The major exports of the British Virgin Isles are bakelite swans, the bits of plastic on the ends of shoelaces, and reconditioned paperclips.
The town of Medicine Hat in Canada is named due to the extraordinary healing properties of a 1957 Montreal Canadiens Ice Hockey team cap. It is capable of healing all diseases except for dropsy.
Dropsy is one of the Teletubbies (Canadian version).
Due to time travel, this evening's news will be on at 4.23pm, 5.58pm, 5.59pm, 7.03pm, and 1.43am yesterday morning. This will be followed by an episode of EastEnders from January 2019.
The original names of the Teletubbies were Stinky-winky, Tipsy, Ga-ga and Poo.
The Teletubbies were conceived in a disused fridge in Penge.
Penge is one of the wonders of the world. It's marble towers reach up into the skies, the colourful markets are full of the freshest produce, and great parks echo to the sounds of birds and the happy townsfolk. The roads leading to the Great South Gate through the white city walls are stained only be the tears of locals who are leaving, and visitors who know they will never see such a beautiful sight again.
This lie is my life's work.
I did not just fart.
I am not pissed right now.
I am not too busy :-(
I never write rude limericks.
"Yoffy" from Fingerbobs has invited us all out for a swinging pilgrimage curry at the Dilshad Tandoori on Sunday the 27th. He popped in to borrow a wheelbarrow full of feathers this morning. Meet at 8.30pm, bring your own keys. Dress code: Welsh.
[BtD] That makes me proud to be a Welsh Terrier.
During an investigation into the recent crive wave sweeping South Korea, authorities have uncovered massive infiltration by the Mafia. The shadowy figure at the centre of the trouble is known only as James Brown. This is because he is the Godfather of Seoul.
Big Ben has never been more than 1 second wrong since the day it was built. The greatest excursion from accuracy occurred on March 26, 1893, at 03:21:32, when it was for a few seconds 0.783 seconds slow, due to the inattentiveness of the official clock-watcher. He was immediately relieved of the post, and excuted by being tied to the clapper of the great bell while it next struck midnight.
I neither smiled nor chuckled happily upon reading Uncle Korky's inspired post.
#a6bf09 is the new black.
Black humour was invented by Othello.
All of Shakespeare's plays were actually named after board games, most of which no longer survive.
Breadmaster] I've got a 1960s boxed set of The Taming of the Shrew by Merit. It is complete apart from a missing Kate. I've been looking everywhere for a replacement, but the nearest I've found is a Bottom.
I don't think there's a game idea in that.
43% of all fishmongers in Yorkshire practice Voudoun.
Your carpet is alive. It is listening to everything you say, reporting everything you do to its masters.
Spam is people!
People aren't really that strange.
Jim] Thats not what you said this morning when you popped round (for a cup of sugar) and I answered the door in my caterpillar suit.
Beige is the new faun. Mustard is the new puce and ecru is the new off-white sort of cream.
My toungue is eleven feet long.
Nobody's ever commented about the length of my tongue.
Nobody would dare to mention my tongue in anything less than the most glowing terms. It can reroute mighty rivers with one lick, turn mountain ranges into gentle plains, carve deep gorges from the flattest of land. If it chooses, it can alter the entire space-time continuum with a simple ululation.
Ibid] Watch it sunshine, your ululations have just emptied my kidney shaped swimming pool.
Midnight velvet is the new black.
Cyan does not exist. It is a pigment of the imagination.
The disappearance of certain shades of blue is a cyan of the times.
[BTD & D] I can hear the collective cyan (or perhaps it's groaning) from here!
Maladya is the female form of Magenta.
Magenta Divine has been appointed as the new head of MI6, and has apparently insisted that the new James Bond be played by a woman.
Black is the new Orange, Orange is the new Nokia, Nokia is the new Knock, and Knock is the new Papal residence.
'Dave' the beetle is currently the leading exponent of invertebrate rights in the European parliament.
Watson and Crick are being used as aerials on the top of my block of flats. Their BBC2 reception is rubbish.
Montagues and Capulets are rival brands of chocolate filled biscuits.
There is a special second level domain - rope.uk - for manufacturers of rope or anything that rhymes with it.
The Catholic church has just purchased a new domain under that hierarchy.
Icann is about to introduce a several new top level domains to increase capacity for popular types of sites. They are:
  • .bananaicecream
  • .clip
  • .sockhop
  • .welshman
  • .zx81
  • .dinghy
  • .jup (the new code for domains hosted on Jupiter)
  • .flintstones

Everybody agrees that these make a creditable and necessary extension of cyberspace.
They turned down lobbying for .shambles and .hannibal
Although they will be introducing .spam and .scam very soon to help with filtering content.
God never carries cash with him, preferring instead to use Luncheon Vouchers.
The Roman emperor Caracalla paid for everything in slices of camel. He was accompanied everywhere by a special camel slicer, whose art lay not in causing the beast minimal pain, but by preventing very large sections from collapsing into bits.
To transport soldiers to Normandy in 1944, the government requisitioned five thousand Mini Coopers.
I am a member of seventy six thousand gymnasia.
Cromwell only popped down to Naseby town centre to get some tweezers and a ham roll, but he met one or two royalists there and things got a bit out of hand.
[Projoy] I already own drqu+xum.one-eighth.welshman. I'm putting pictures of the Red Dragon that follows me around. His is the "RED HOT HOT HOT PICS" section.
[Projoy] That must make you proud to be Welsh.
[Projoy] I have more to say to you right now.
Caxton invented fig rolls.
Ce matin un lapin a tué un chasseur.
The new Miffy book is out, entitled "Miffy is Squiffy".
Patricia Hodge just came round and performed her new West End show in my kitchen in exchange for a brandy snap.
Patricia Hodge has a new West End show.
Maureen Lipman is my Jewish Grandma.
Antonym is the opposite of Cleopatra.
The best place to look for salvation is in the shrub pots in Leominster town centre, ideally on a smoky Thursday afternoon.
I have saved 3,745 souls. With compound interest, this means I now own nearly 4,000 souls.
Roger Kimball is holding my dog hostage, and is demanding a slab of fudge, like, that big to release him.
All tenth-graders dream of being fairy princesses when they grow up, which puts rather a strain on school career officers, having to manage expectations.
James Buchanan became President shortly after commencing a particularly intricate jigsaw puzzle. Unable to be distracted from it by affairs of state, he continued to work on it for almost his entire term of office. When he eventually placed the last piece and looked up to hear what his official had been saying about Kansas, he discovered Abraham Lincoln was in the room, having just been sworn in, insisting that the jigsaw be swept off the table forthwith. The jigsaw was broken up by an official. Buchanan never recovered from the heartbreak and died irritably a few years later.
[Projoy] Luckily for me, my dream came true!
Badgers only watch black and white movies.
Workmen digging up the road would never piss in your hedge.
The British Museum orbits McDonald's Head Office at 9000 revolutions per second.
At the peak of his career, Francisco Franco could maintain 9000 revolutions per second. He was known as the "Fastest Fascist". Then he gained a lot of weight and became known as the "Fattest Fastest Fascist". Then he became a green grocer and was known as the "Freshest Fattest Fastest Fascist".
If you lack testosterone, you can top up instead with Toblerone.
Croupiers are selected for the profession because they suffered from croup in childhood.
I carry a convenient portable ATM with me everywhere. It issues notes and advice slips. The most recent advice it gave me was to polish my shoes before an important interview.
Artichokes can smell fear.
Yes, it smells like butterscotch.
The Food Nutrition Standards Agency has just announced the findings of a study to identify the healthiest possible breakfast. This consists of a cold cup of coffee with blobs of Mercury stirred in as well as croutons.
Croutons are the sub-atomic particle propagating the action of cabbage.
Whereas coupons are the sub-atomic particles propagating the action of revolution.
We've run out of lies.
I kissed a frog today and it turned into a handsome fridge. So we will have lots of deep frozen truths to defrost and use in this game.
It is only safe to keep truths frozen for six days at a time, otherwise they become poisonous.
Whereas lies have a shelf-life measured in æons. If you encounter one that has passed its "use by" date, you are automatically entitled to petition God to be re-evolved -- with a 75% chance of success! (All divine decisions are made probabilistically -- contrary to popular belief, God not only rolls dice, but bets compulsively on the outcome. He is also a sore loser and has been barred from most of the major Las Vegas casinos.)
I am a professional fairy princess.
My wife is a freelance goblin.
Terminator 3 is not a disappointing waste of time. I can't wait until it comes out on video so that I can see it all over again.
I'm looking forward to seeing T3 on DVD so I can watch it entirely in reverse.
If you listen to the soundtrack of T3 backwards, you hear a script of Sailor Moon as read by Lloyd Grossman.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is a keen player of "Stations Revenge". You often hear him say "I'll be Bank".
Now I have broadband, my internet activities will take only a fraction of the time they used to.
Talking of internet activities, the Obcure Vault 99 will now filter off all cryptochat, therefore, I will spend considerably less time in this site.
It's easy to learn another language. Try Mandarin, or Arabic, for starters.
I have recently evolved and am now classified as Even Homoier Sapiens
I am really displeased to note that Thos has darkened our door once again.
This means the puns will not be flowing like the diarrhea I haven't been having lately. You all needed to know that as well.
Dr Q knows how to spell diarrhoea. (sorry Dr Q, my spelling is notoriously bad, but that's a word I can spell!)
Dr Q speaks British English.
I have a really good grasp of the British and the American forms of English. It never confuses me.
[rab] Bloody right, mate.
[Dr Q] Too, right cobber.
Placement of commas is irrelevant. You will be punctuated.
I ran over a semi-colon in my car today. I got a punctuation in a tyre.
The Angel of the North has just been headhunted and will now be the Angel of the South South East.
The Angle of The North is π/2 radians.
- Which is exactly opposite to Hells Angles.
Most Hells' Angles have excellent degrees
Hells' Angles ride protractors.
[Btd] I always enjoy watching the Hells' Angles compass our town.
[Dr Q] Do they hang around in the set square? Or just make acute remarks?
A right angle always boils at 90 degrees, no matter how high the altitude or length of hypotenuse.
[Dunx] I've heard they just make obtuse observations.
They are called Hells' Angles because they like sin. Or am I going off a tangent?
The Hell's Angles tend to overstate their doings, though - it's all hyperbolic sin.
And although most of the Hell's Angles are completely helical on something most of the time, their ruler is completely straight.
[Projoy] That's just a reflex.
I recently invented the antitractor as the best way of measuring angles inaccurately.
[Thos] My Aunty drives a tractor inaccurately as well.
[Thos] Actually, the opposite of a protractor is a contractor. </lie>Come to think of it...<lie>
A process that is contracted is the opposite of a protracted process.
I have a neutractor, which reserves its opinion on how big an angle is.
And I've got a brand new combine harvester. I'm hanging onto the key though. Sorry.
I can see through all the walls in my office building.
My office building has no walls. We have to take it in turns to stand at the corners to hold the roof up.
Surely a doddle for a fully-qualified fairy princess?
Cilla Black lives in the bins out the back of the London Astoria.
It is illegal to download photographic material off the internet.
Gawd this game depresses me...
There are no real flowers in the whole of Aberdeen.
A smartie once told me the answer, but I forgot it.
I'm allergic to smarties. That's why I work around physicists.
Enrico Fermi was an idiot -- he just guessed correctly several thousand times.
There are as many pebbles on the shore as there are atoms in the universe.
.sdrawkcab emit hguorht gnillevart ma I
Punting down the River Styx at this time of year is so charming
"Punting down the River Styx" is a euphemism for a gynecological exam.
"Sticking your hand up the birth canal" is a euphemism for holidaying on a narrowboat.
Gynecology is now the third most popular GCSE.
[Projoy] No I haven't
The second most popular GCSE subject is Hotwiring
There is in fact only one slip 'twixt cup and lip, and it's a silk one.
Cheese is self-aware
Random surrealism is an adequate substitute for wit anyday.
[blamelewis] That one slip dropped an easy catch, tho.
There is nothing that shouldn't be done more often.
I just looked out of the window, and saw Omar Sharif riding a camel towards me.
Mirages only occur in warm desserts.
My doppelganger looks nothing like me.
[Thos] Same as me, and his doppleganger doesn't look like him or me, but his doppleganger looks exactly like me (but not the other two).
The Red Dragon that follows me around doesn't have a doppelganger. That makes us both proud to be Welsh.
I'm not stealing any of Projoy's material.
Projoy's material is 90% polyester.
I'm not hiding from customers right now, and certainly not listening to Just A Minute.
Projoy appeared on Just A Minute in 1998 as a late booking after Paul Merton caught Anthrax.
Sorry, that should have read "Paul Merton caught Anthrax Whirl of PantsMC."
Paul Merton chose his surname by throwing a dart at a map of Greater London. He threw a second one after getting only porno roles with his first name "Paul Cockfosters".
Zoë Ball had a love child with Tony Hawks.
That's utter Ball-Hawks.
Camp America is a fairly accurate description.
Camp America is the worlds largest importer of tentpoles.
Camp America is a euphemism for a field hospital set up to treat those troops with R.S.I. in the wrist.
The buns in my kitchen are plotting against the loaves in the freezer.
Kate Adie has been despatched to report on the coup d'toast in Ibid's kitchen.
I have just invented a cheese magnet which can attract pickle
However, I have ruined my own invention by also creating the all-soap ploughman's lunch.
My jars of pickle all just flew off my desk, politely waited until someone opened the door, then made off down the corridor.
[Thos] Ah. Nostalgia! My father was an All-Soap Ploughman.
The word "shallot" is too selfish to pass the sugar when asked.
My brother's trampoline has been knighted for services to raspberries.
I have a brother.
None of the Brothers of whom I have heard are considered to be 'one of the lads'
My broom is my best friend.
Lost X-rated Shakespeare scripts include Price of Denmark II - More Gore at Elsinore, The Merry ****s of Windsor (in which Fellatio returns from Venice, Bottom reappears and the messenger has a big part) and Bagpuss.
I was driving from Oslo to Stavanger, and was tailgated by a large lobster the entire way.
Our Chief Executive has been replaced by an Executive Chief, complete with feathery headdress, totem pole and attaché case.
The Attaché Indians are famed for their collection of scalps from cowboy builders.
I was a cowboy builder until I ran out of spurs & stetsons
I used to build coyboys, initially out of lego, and later on out of meccano. Several of them were extras in Westworld
You can get at least three coyboys for the price of a cowboy.
I have been mistaken for a coy boy many times - but not since I became a lady boy.
Jethro Tull's Aqualung is much misunderstood.
It sucks, too, and should be bought by no-one.
George Gershwin started the second world war with Porgy and Bess.
"Courgette" is an intrinsically funny word, as is "Spain".
Whereas the words "pineapple, "turd" and "lobster" have no humorous content whatsoever.
"Moist" is the most unfunny word ever.
My workplace sent us all home this afternoon, owing to an unexpected plague of locusts on the fifth floor.
The sand from Weymouth's beaches makes an excellent lubricant.
Sales of KY jelly are falling everywhere in the world as tubes of Weymouth sand eat up its market share.
I have done all the floors in my house as replicas of the Giant's Causeway in Co. Antrim.
Quibbling has been outlawed for many years in Co. Galway due to the excessive amounts of KY Jelly required. Ardent quibblers are optimistic that with the plentiful supplies of Weymouth Sand coming onto the market that their quibbling days may not be over!
Civilisation fell at 4:17pm GMT today.
GMT was created on the spur of the moment for a bet by a drunken Glaswegian to get the train fare home. As trains hadn't been invented yet, it didn't do him any good. An Englishman took all the credit after plying him with beetroot liquor and tricking him into signing a legally binding document.
[snorgle] That was in 1980, and that unfortunate Scotsman was our very own Watty. Rumours that the Englishman was Jeffrey Archer are unsubstaniated.
Joseph had to have some alterations made to his coat of many colours and lost all the orange bits in the process. It should actually be known as the coat of several colours but there was some faulty translation in the King James version of the Bible.
The orange bits were eventually found and recycled to form the coating on David Dickinson.
Misha Baryshnikov chose my bathroom for me and also came with me to pick out colours for the garage door.
The Canadian Dollar bill is made out of leather.
The EU Parliament generally consumes six tons of Belgian chocolate every single time it convenes.
When nobody is looking, cod prefer to swim about a metre above the surface of the water.
When nobody is looking, codpieces hover about a metre above the kilt of Watty.
Prince William weighs seventeen stone, but conceals it with clever use of makeup.
Envelopes are permitted to vote.
Music teachers all have special retractible mandibles that enable them to play big chords on the piano.
The Royal Shakespeare Company has recently run out of Shakespeares.
You can cure Alzheimer's by paddling in soup.
Clam chowder is highly explosive.
Porno for pyros mostly consists of naked flames.
This idea that you need some expensive "player" for CDs is just a con. Angle your CD correctly in alignment with the rays of the Sun and the whole solar system will resound to the beat of Roxy Music.
Contrary to popular belief, the Queen is deeply uninterested in her public and constitutional duties. She goes down the bookie's while official visits, state openings and protocol receptions are all done for her by a little man called Murgatroyd in a wig.
After downloading the latest up-dates (?) from Microsoft and having so much fun in so doing, I have to agree that this site has no humour at all.
I was flying by some men who were cleaning out ditches with Nanette Newman when she cried "Boolbar is a Fairy Princess". She grabbed me and tried to put me in a blender. When I protested, she said "but haven't you heard? Fairy liquid cleans more ditches".
Nanette Newman came round for a cup of fairy liquid this morning. She had been in a coma for 7 weeks, having been knocked unconscious by her own bra in a bizarre skateboarding accident. The soapy aroma of fairy-soft suds soon did the trick.
Flying Down to Rio was filmed in technichrome, allowing for a very exciting full range of greys.
Oranges are the only fruit. Apples and bananas are just pretending.
Stiff Records folded after the creation of the floppy disk.
The Victorians suppressed the hitherto unpublished last chapter of the Bible after Revelations, where Eve wakes up and sees Adam in the shower.
There are silverfish who live in Barnstaple who are trying to steal my hair.
Yesterday, G.W.Bush officially announced to the U.N. that the U.S.of A. was no longer the most powerful nation in the world, but no one heard him as his P.A. wouldn't work.
I caused the US power outages - sorry! I *thought* a 3 amp fuse would be enough...
[blame] I know several people who want to talk to you about that. They wanted to present you with this marvellous sponge cake, although they also said that it wasn't very well cooked what with the oven being out, and they had to just do the best they could by breathing on it in shifts.
Methalated spirits are distilled post mortem from methalated humans.
[Dunx] Sounds lovely!
[Blamelewis, Dunx] If they were serious about baking the cake, they could have heated the oven by lighting their farts.
Trunnions make a delicious accompaniment to leek and shock absorber soup if baked until golden.
An obscure law states that should a ruling monarch be ousted, the throne may be temporarily occupied by a cup of dilute sugar water until a more permanent solution is found.
Bromsgrove is haunted by the ghosts of pilchards
All of Saddam's weapons of mass destruction have been hidden under the bed of an Arizona motel for the last eighteen months.
The rule book is in the Catacombs of Acre.
Elvis Presley had taken it with him on holiday and took a wrong turn while exploring.
While down there, Elvis has written eighteen new albums, devised six entirely new ways of escaping a Dollis Hill loop, and worked out a way to make an everlasting power supply out of used teabags and an elderly vole.
At precisely 5:33 every morning, Alastair Campbell sings 'My Way' at the top of his voice.
[Ibid] I did not just come up with an apparatus to create a power supply out of used teabags and an elderly vole. It has nothing to do with wind power.
Billy Connolly makes eggs with cranberries while Delia Smith was a Glaswegian shipyard welder. The two are often confused.
The only sure way to kill a postman is by hitting him just below the knee with a sock filled with hob nobs.
Shadow home secretary Oliver Letwin was one of the vocalists for the original 'Blankety Blank' theme.
In 1999, NASA received a transmission from outer space that consisted of Donald Sinden singing Queen's 'Bohemian Rhapsody'
The word "nuncle" is obscene in all 31 dialects of Esperanto, except that spoken by the Brixton chapter of White Supremacists R Us where it is usually taken to mean "fruit pastry".
The Trappist Order of monks has been excommunicated by the Pope as it has been discovered that their object of worship is a mouse trap set by Jesus in his father's carpentry workshop.
Microsoft is to add an option for "Trappist Order" to Windows Explorer which will sort your files with the quietest first.
I dislike this site and did not miss this game at all during redevelopment. My Great Aunt Sheila is an otter.
Otters otter.
Bob's Aunt Sheila is not particularly great at all.
Fruit Chutney is comprised entirely of ground up bits of old trams.
There is no such word as 'Llama'.
The password to break into the FBI website is 'melons'.
Due to an unfortunate server error involving custard, the next statement will actually be true.
The previous statement is true.
The last statement was true.
This is the last ever statement in this game.
[Boolbar] That's a coincidence, since this is the first.
This is the last day of the first day of the rest of flerdle's fly.
If you use fluoride in Continental Europe you can prevent Prague.
There is no earthly phenomenon which cannot be explained solely in terms of chocolate.
The reason for this is that Dairy Milk is fundamentally linked to all things, but Chrunchie bars are discrete pocket universes.
Mars bars are being produced in greater numbers than ever before, hence the increased gravitational attraction and closer proximity to the planet that was named after them.
I am the very model of a modern Major-General
This is due to all the chocolate I eat.
Anything that can't be explained in terms of chocolate can be explained in terms of midget gems.
Midget gems are handled and regulated through DeLightBeers.
The single most intelligent being in the universe is a wine gum.
Sug mitt arslet ballet
That's the most intelligent thing anyone's said all day
The Sug-Mitt Arslet Ballet's most famous production "Slap My Jammy Badger" involved the cast smearing themselves with jam whilst doing arabesques.
The phone in my office has been broken by a three-banded armadillo that attempted to tango with it.
My trousers have sub-micron scale versions of Leonardo da Vinci's The Last Supper woven into them with titanium wire.
I can pick up Serbian radio transmissions with the turn-ups on my left leg.
Turnips can be used for stumps.
I can pick up Serbia, but France is too heavy.
Cows will fall over if you shake a turnip at them.
Carrickfergus fudge is the only explosive fudge.
However, most sticks of rock will explode readily in the presence of candy floss and a child under the age of 10. This is the real reason they are always so filthy.
Jammy Badger Slapping is illegal in Chiswick
To make up for this, everything else is legal there, which is why Chiswick is world renowned as a pit of moral turpitude.
I once fell into a pit of moral turpentine. It told me off for looking at other strippers.
Testicles are not funny.
I'm having a ball.
I was a late arrival to the Urologists' Ball.
It is illegal to say "slat" north of Inverness
I once went out with a slat, she was a bit of a goer.
Goer is a village in Derbyshire noted for it's slats.
[BtD] It's near the Hamlet of Mathy Caw, I believe.
Yesterday I met a lady who assured me that all that glittered was Gold. She made some interesting purchases too.
glistered not glittered
The custom dictionary is always right.
Roget wrote his thesaurus after losing a bar bet about how many synonyms there are for "harlot".
Roget's real name was actually Roger - but 'Rogers The Saurus' was deemed to be an unsuitable title for such a worthy tome as he might become the victim of crass innuendo.
I have recently pitied the fool that tried to get me onto an aeroplane.
In case of infirmity in old age, I am going to buy a stair-lift to heaven, in case my staircase should prove too arduous a climb.
I have a USB cat.
I catch the Universal Serial Bus to work every morning.
The Universal Cereal Bus stops by every morning. I usually get a bowl of pure bran fiber with marshmallows.
I have a parallel port next to Portsmouth.
I cut down a tree by mistake last week. We're saving the Error Log to burn at Christmas.
"My error log is SoBig...."
The coat of arms for Bromsgrove is a guinea pig rampant and bears the Latin motto Demum, veniunt porci.
This is all true.
Bruce Forsyth actually detests the sight of other people, the sight of other people detests.
Thanks to USB compatibility I can now speak Swahili.
I have just put more RAM in my computer. He was a bit too big so his curly horns are sticking out of my floppy drive.
I have just pawned my knees to raise money to buy a new nose. My original nose was stolen by a collector of nasal hare, a rare breed of leporid.
I have an aging pop singer up my nose....that's right, Cilia Black.
Here is a picture of me on the beach with no clothes on.
The Queen secretly detests corgis, and just keeps them around for show. When no-one is looking, she thwaps them with her royal sceptre.
[snorgle] That makes Projoy proud to be Welsh.
My kaleidoscope has been spelling out secret messages to me for the last five years. Thanks to its efforts I now have a full list of Iraqi weapons deveopment sites and honest lawyers.
One of Queen Victoria's favourite recreations was sipping.
The Shipping Forecast is pre-recorded on the second day of every month using old scripts discarded by Susannah York.
Suzanne Charlton is so short that when she did television weather forecasts she had to stand on a box.
The Sipping Forecast is broadcast on Radio 4 longwave at 3.47am every day. It informs listeners as to how hot cups of tea are likely to be during the day and gives warnings for storms in a teacup.
I recently mistook my bagpies for our cat. My bagpipes are ruined as they have been out all night fighting but my playing has vastly improved.
I also play the trombone.
Personally, I specialise in playing the slide Casiotone.
I tried playing the slide rule, but wound up only being able to tell everyone the exact amount I'd got taller by.
My ISP uses a slide-rule to keep connected to the rest of the Internet. And it's always perfectly reliable, and doesn't ever drop out.
Bagpies are a traditional dish in the lowlands of Surrey. In nearby Sussex they go for the more bijou handbagpies.
The delicacy 'bagpies' is a corruption of 'bagpuss', as the pies were originally coloured in pink and yellow stripes prior to a Japanese buy out.
Parallelograms are just pentagons that have spent too much time in front of the telly and so are out of shape.
Prestatyn snails are the only gymnastic snails!
The ringtone on my mobile phone is John Cage's 4'33". Annoyingly, no-one calls anymore.
Boolbar] Are you quite sure that is not the one by Mike Batt that I have on my mobile? If you listen very carefully you can hear muffled cries of ecstasy as Mme. Cholet and Tomsk were ‘Wombling’ on top of the mixing desk while it was being recorded. This explains why the volume was turned down so low.
I have just been ratified by sixteen foreign ministers at the UN headquarters in Geneva.
Ratification is illegal in 16 states (but not Utah, where it is obligatory), the Falkland Islands, Cuba, and occasionally Budapest.
Since the surprise handover of power in Cuba last week, the inhabitants have been spending much of their time with puzzled frowns and scratched brows as they try to fathom out the town planning alterations enacted by new President, Erno Rubik. Some tower block residents have found that they have to enter their building sideways via an outside door on the fifth floor, and then are still not sure whether their flat has moved again since they left for work that morning.
In an effort to be more accessible and interesting, the UN is replacing all its international accords with international accordions.
The Accordion Plot should have been a story in Sylvester McCoy's last season in Doctor Who, but, fortunately, the BBC pulled the plug.
There was a mysterious old tramp in the tube station this morning tunelessly playing a Kyoto Protocol.
It is now lawful to have tunes in tube stations. They help you breathe more easily.
Under terms from the Johannesburg Earth Summit, tube stations must now be redecorated with leaves to promote a healthy atmosphere and provide excuses for late services.
Russia's Volga River has just declared bankruptcy, with debts of over seventy trillion roubles. Experts are currently scratching their heads over how it can be made to liquidate.
Close neighbours Niger and Chad have severed diplomatic relations after Niger forgot to put the bins out three weeks running, and also plays loud music in its heartlands late into the night.
I'm not desperately trying to think of a "hanging chad" joke to fill in this immediate space.
Pomegranites have been declared illegal in Lichtenstein. Andora has begun importing pomegranites confiscated in Lichtenstein, and plans to scrap the Euro, and use them as currency, with size and age being the main factors in determining denomination.
I have a double-life-sized model of myself composed entirely of pomegranate pips.
"Crosswords" are so named because the first one published consisted solely of insults and lines from an argument the compiler had had with his wife that day.
I'm the urban spaceman, baby.
Tuj don't exist.
Astatine is the only element not to belong to a trade union.
Tujes always come in pairs, and are never seen alone. Projoys flock, and DrQu+xums herd. The collective noun for MC players is a gaggle, obviously.
Bob the dogs come in packs of seven. It is usually six, but there is a special offer on at the moment.
Many people enjoy living on ashrams, but these are now full up and will need emptying and wiping with a cloth by the barmaid.
I spend nearly all my time in a state of grace, and the remainder in a state of Grayson.
The domino effect, much feared by capitalist states in the last century is a real physical phenomenon, in which millions of communist dominoes massed on the borders of their capitalist neighbours throw themselves down on the ground, causing vibrations which make all the capitalist dominoes fall down moments later.
Simon Bolivar suffered from a bad case of bolivs, hence his name.
An interregnum is a period in between Reginalds.
An optimist is a man who looks after your eyes and a pessimist is a man who looks after your feet.
Bumble bees exist in a state of quantum flux, so that they never exist in one place with more than a 50% probability.
The part of a bumble bee which is not in the place where the bee is observed is called the bumble be-not.
Kiwi fruit are rather misleadingly named, since they in fact ripen into wallabies.
Nothing is better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
Lemons are made out of melons.
My stairs are made out of apples and pears.
Camberwell is radioactive again this afternoon.
There is no such thing as this-ness.
There's no this-ness like show-this-ness!
Loch Ness is the state of being like a Loch.
I regularly experience feelings of Lochness.
[Dunx] The latest theories in quantum apiology demonstrate that bumble bees cannot exist in a solitary state - they are always in a diapis form, known as the 2bee. On observing the diapis, the waveform collapses into either a present bee or the not present bee, in other words 2bee or not2bee.
Ibid is an unacknowledged genius. And Icelandic.
[Ibid] Ah - that explains a lot.
My parents were professional drinks coasters.
[Projoy] What a coincidence - my parents used to surf in a pint of Guinness left at the back table of the snug of the Kings Toenail pub in Wigan.
Spoons call lying snugly together "peopling"
Rambert Dance Company is a hotbed of satanism.
There are no suspicious practicioners of satanic square dancing across the road fom me. I am not scared.
As well as writing a Left-Hand Concerto for Paul Wittgenstein, who lost his arm in the war, Maurice Ravel wrote a No-Hands Concerto in G, in which the unfortunate amputee soloist prevails upon a fellow pianist to pick out the notes on his behalf.
[Pace BTG and Projoy] I often experience feelings of Lochnesslessness.
I have never experienced writer's blo
Labrador retrievers are entirely composed of tuna fish sandwiches
Marie Stopes wore the same body stocking for the whole of her thirties.
Body stocking is widely frowned upon by the authorities.
This week is National Spot the Aardvark week.
*points at Projoy* You have been spotted.
I have decided not to participate in National Spot the Aardvark week because my paint has dried up.
Swordmakers have discovered a fabulous new alloy based on sponge cake, which is stronger, lighter, and more delicious than anything based on steel. However, the more traditional swordsmiths have refused to use this alloy since it would render the phrase "a taste of cold steel" meaningless.
Princes all have little self-destruct buttons under the hair on the backs of their heads. They also have extendable power cords.
The cost of princes has remained fairly stable over the last 10 years, according to the Retail Prince Index.
I am the aardvark formally known as prince.
The auto-erotic sales section of our local paper advertises car-phone-sex-lines. Titles include Home-Alone Fiat Panda, Escort Service and MOT and Lick My Volvo.
That's nothing. There's a card in the telephone box round the corner advertising the favours of an Intercity locomotive. Goes like the 4.15 from Paddington, apparently.
Tomorrow is International Walk Like A Pirate Day. Arrr!!
With a parrot on my shoulder and a cutlass in my hand, I am spying on Kate Bush while hiding in her shrubbery. That's right, it's International Stalk Like A Pirate Day, arrrr!
I wanted to pick up on this running gag, but I can't owing to my wooden leg.
Long John Silver's horse had three wooden legs.
And, strangely, his dining table kept falling over.
The most famous pirate who ever sailed the seven seas was Gilbert Perkins, whom fate had destined to be a chartered accountant, but, by pure freak of chance, was given misleading advice by a senile careers advisor at the end of his O-levels.
Perkins would have had no chance at accountancy. He was half Irish, half Scottish, a quarter Canadian, two-thirds Polish, and seven-eighths Nigerian, so his teachers dismissed him as being mathematically impossible.
There may only be seven seas now, but there was an eighth until its warranty ran out and it sank.
Pirates are a myth created by a subterrainean bureaucracy that has severe spelling difficulties to mask it's activities with the King of Canada's daughter
tongue twisters make baby jesus cry
Jesus is the Son of God. Damn! No-one will buy that rubbish! Yarr!
Jesus is a cry baby. (Three nails and a briar never hurt anyone!)
I'm afraid I can't write a lie here at the moment as I'm too busy composing my next move for the Furcation Game.
Kimg Hussein of Jordan came to visit me,
and all for the sake of my little nut tree.
That would be "King", of course. It's so confusing....
[matt] You're allowed to Pass...
You should always pass on the inside lane, unless it's raining, when you should use the outside lane. In the case of a dire need to prove something you can pass on the opposite side of the motorway, but only at a major junction. Otherwise, ramming the vehicle in front, especially if it's a minibus, articulated lorry or horse-drawn carriage is obligatory.
Robin Cook wielding a saucepan is the scariest thing on the seven seas.
Queen's 'Seven Seas of Rhye' was originally entitled 'Seven Seas' - much snappier, one would think. Anyway, those vitamin supplement people threatened litigation, Freddie went all huffy and re-named the track just to keep people guessing.
Freddie's earliest idea for the title was, in fact, "Christians can corrupt childrens' CD's, creating chaos", which was then shortened to "7 C's". This proves the monkeys and typewriters theory of probability.
I am David Blaine, this post is another example of my amazing powers - I made a computer with a wifi card out of water.
Each night when no one watches I astrally project into the nearest MacDonalds and wolf down a Big Mac or three.
Three days into my stunt I got bored writing in my journal and instead have started drawing pictures of housebricks.
I can see the pub from here
David Blaine came 'round for a cup of complan this morning.
There's no reason to talk like a pirate now.
I'd be averse to continuing.
I be continuing a verse.
Which is why I contributed a superb and witty last line to the current limerick.
I was going to write a currant Limerick, but couldn't think of a raisin.
Raisin The Titanic was a popular film amongst the dried fruit community.
Former Cincinnati Reds' owner Marge Schott has some wonderful anecdotes about dried fruits.
The National Association for the Advancement of Dried Fruit and Against Fruitist Defamation is campaigning for positive, realistic media portrayals of dried fruit, instead of images in advertisments showing tempting, non-mouldy, appetising, beautifully-coloured and plump dried fruits. Protests have begun and already five food stylists have been the victim of assault by prunes, apricots and papaya. The less radical National Association for Dried Fruit has condemned the attacks. A spokespineapple said "we need to integrate into society, not attack it" as he poured delicious cream over himself and laid in a dish, then proceeding to offer our reporter a spoon.
totally syntax grammar. and unnecessary is
Some radical peanuts, marginalised even among the dry snacks community, have formed "Nuts To You!" a dadaist organisation dedicated to making random piles of peanuts in unexpected contexts. In the latest "happening" three tons of peanuts, both dry roasted and uncooked, assembled in the Virgin Megastore on Times Square. Breakaway cashews attempted to form a rival pyramid on Broadway, but could only command three pounds of their number.
And in related news, there has been a small wok riot in a Chinese Supermarket in Leamington.
Sewage farms are just a myth. They are really a front for the Women's Institute.
... which rather makes you wonder about what's in the jam.
Projoy, you are truly awful. Now I know how you won the Turner Prize.
The General Post Office has largely fallen into obscurity these days, mainly because people don't need Generals posting through the mail any more. However some small businesses are able to fulfil the remaining niche market, such as postmeageneral.com
Circles are only circular on Tuesdays.
Squares have always wanted to be circular, but they've never got round to it.
Triangles have no wish to be square, but they do have guardian angles.
Lines cannot become triangles because they have no three will.
Spheres taste of strawberry, but circles are just plane.
I was going to launch into a discussion of mapping of steeplechase course in non-directed graphs, but then changed my mind when I realised that I don't even understand simple coordinate systems - I didn't want to put Descartes before the horse.
The Spanish government has decided to expel all members of ETA. By making them all leave via a single checkpoint it has effectively put all its Basques in one exit. (Points at Dunx: "Well, he started it!!")
Kim. That was not clever or funny.
[Dunx/Kim] Your posts have made me feel unhappy. Boo! Hiss!
My house is carpeted with Golden Syrup, so the floors are always beautifully flat.
I have a problem with rug addiction.
Rug addiction is a major cause of cream.
I've just been arrested for cruelty to parrots. Apparently you really can't have a macaque and eat it.
A macaque is a kind of parrot. It's nothing to do with monkeys at all.
I like marmot on toast for breakfast.
I tried to light a fire in my canoe once, but it sank. Seems you can't have your kayak and heat it.
"No, just disgracing a politican is enough...you can't have your Aitken beaten too."
As soon as I get out of bed in the morning I stand in front of the mirror practicising all the stances I am going to take that day. On the days I forget to do this, I am forced to stand to attention the whole day for fear of forgetting how to do the more complex stances and embarrassing myself.
I have 7 stances, 5 positions, 4 mannerisms, 3 poses and an attitude in my repertoire.
My vocabulary consists of just six words.
I don't have a vocabulary - I use a specially trained team of mice to type out my formless thoughts.
My vocabulary is white and furry and comes in handy on cold winter days.
There are a lot of highly ranked army chaps stuck to a wall in my house. It's a major sticking point.
I failed to snort painfully with laughter at Boolbar's miltary fib.
"Knees Up Mother Brown" is considered gynaecologically impossible.
I am suffering from irritable vowel syndrome.
The letter 'e' is considered obscene by the Mormons.
The second 'm' in 'Mormon' is silent.
All the letters in "pants" are silent.
There I was walking to Baghdad when this flatfish jumped on me from behind, pinned me to the ground and threatened to smash my face in. I was stuck between Iraq and a hard plaice.
Boolbar's post didn't amuse me in the least
I deliberately used bold there.
A bird in the hand is worth approximately £4.76, allowing for inflation and seasonal adjustment.
A bird in the hand is never a problem for Catholic priests.
Keeping your cock in your hand is no good if you want eggs fertilising.You have to put it down amongst the hens, of course - not really a lie, just a piece of gratuitous smut
My brother has an extemely large cock, which he has to carry around in a wheelbarrow. I don't think he keeps poultry though.
The replacement of the plumbing term "ball cock" with "float valve" is no loss to comedy whatsoever.
I have recently had to stop wearing pants after the neighbours complained about the noise.
Since I am not on holiday for a week I shall be able to post lots of lies.
[Boolbar] I, for one, am overjoyed for your lack of lies. </lie> Enjoy your holiday. <lie>
When Billy Connolly retires the 'f' word will disappear from the Scottish language - or the language of the Scots, whatever/whichever you prefer!
There is a forthcoming Hollywood blockbuster called'Squirrelzilla'. It stars Morgan Freeman and Dame Judi Dench.
Last night I had a nighmare about an antique hand-crafted Meershaum Briar. It transpired, however, that it was all just a pipe dream.
I have just watched a football match between Dagenham and Redbridge and Brighton and Hove Albion, but 44 players on the pitch made it too confusing.
Don't forget there are only 3 days until Xmas.
Unless you're Orthodox, then it was last month. Damn that Julian Calendar!
The Julian Calendar was supplemented in 1714 by the Sandy Calendar.
The top floor of the Swiss Re building in London is full of penguins.
50% of George Bush's vocabulary was learnt from mice.
Hyde Park is kept green by trained marmosets fertilising the grass.
Dreaming of duck-billed platypuses represents temporary monetary gain, followed by a messy divorce.
The first male human clone is rumoured to be capable of marsupial nurturing of echindnas.
When I go out to Gordon and Sheila’s Pommy-Aussie Chip Shop, I always have a Snake and Echidna pie with a can of Koala.
I just have one question. George Bush has a vocabulary?
Mandy Rice-Davies became a chrysalis shortly after the Profumo scandal broke and emerged as John Prescott.
Playing Mornington Crescent at 3am is an adequate substitute for sleep.
[JLE] Works for me.
[Angus] George W Bush is fluent in at least one language.
Ibid] I did not laugh out loud at that.
[JLE] Playing Mornington Crescent at 1am is better than sex.
I can think of plenty of things to write here now.
I am pining for the fjords?
Pine is the new oak.
Chorleywood, Northwood, St.John's Wood, Colliers Wood, and Oakwood have disappeared off the map to be replaced by Poplar, the 'Oaks' Royal and Gospel, and Becontree - which only goes to prove that you can't see the wood for the trees.
It didn't really take me 15 minutes to work out my last posting.
I had the radio on earlier, and it was You and Yours, but I did not listen.
"They", or even worse, "Them" always do things that you would never do.
Snot is the new plasticine.
And, unfortunately for anyone with a cold, plasticine is the new snot.
The collective term for female dogs is "an embarrassment".
Volvic mineral water is filtered through five hundred layers of solid granite, then three of marshmallow as a special treat, before being shot dead, then bottled in the wild.
I know this because I spent 20 years as a specialist Volvic hunter.
My computer is made of leather.
The word "Volvic" is not rude at all.
Up your volvic, Dunx!
[Dunx] I'm very sorry - that was not meant to be bold. Force of habit. I was oly pointing out that the meaning of a word depends greatly on its context. No offence intended to you or your volvic.
By using the Preview option, your carefully directed and sensitively chosen words will appear in a Bold font with an exclamation mark and 'leap off the page'. Don't worry, no-one will laugh.
Having someone laugh at you, or even adopt a knowing smirk, usually makes one feel good.
The word 'smirk' has no comedy potential whatsoever.
"Comedy Potential" is the scientific term for the difference of humour levels between the poor sod on stage and the audience and has been proven to often achieve negative levels.
Famous as the longest river in the world, the route of the Amazon is a good deal more complex than most people realise. Rising in Lake Balkash in Kazhakstan it flows through Tien Shan in the direction of Urumqi in Sinkiang Uighur, from whence it diverts sharply south towards Tibet, running eventually alongside the Himalayas for hundreds of miles before running parallel to, and in time joining, the Yellow River running towards the Pacific Ocean. It then disentagles itself from the Yellow River and runs back uphill for a while, then downhill again before climbing to a height of 50 feet above sea level, whereupon it is channeled into an aqueduct which it uses to cross the Pacific Ocean, by way of Manila and the Marshall Islands. It comes ashore at Tijuana, Mexico, and tours the perimeter of the town, taking the occasional photograph. It then catches the 13.45 train to San Diego, over the border, where it converts its yuans into US dollars and uses them to go see a movie before staying at the Embarcadero Hotel overnight. In the morning, it rises before dawn and dresses in camelskin pyjamas and pumps. It crosses the street and walks five blocks to Mason Avenue S., then calls in at number 453. It climbs the stairs, turns left on the landing and goes to third door on the right. After knocking and waiting patiently for a few moments for the door to be opened, it asks if Billy can come out to play. The Amazon river and Billy then bound down the stairs two at a time and go play in the park, especially on the roundabout. Eventually there is a tearful separation as the river wends on its course to San Diego airport, where it checks in its silt, is checked for security and takes the 16.30 flight to Lima. It arrives with a freshly pressed shirt and attends a meeting with dignitaries from Japan, and gives a presentation on the expanding pirhana market. Finally it is kidnapped by international terrorists and smuggled over the border to Brazil, then dumped in the Amazon basin, where it runs via Manaus to the Atlantic coast, carrying vast amounts of silt and freshwater life into the ocean.
The Titanic was lunched in 1912.
I carefully read and understood all of Projoy's short and pithy statement.
Projoy was obviously pithed when he typed that. It's not big and it's not clever.
I'm not that big but I am pretty clever. A bit like Chalks, in that respect. I blow my own trumpet, for Rosie's sake, in B flat, one would say.
How gloriously comprehensible this all is. Squirrel.
Nicknamed "the Welsh Windbag" by Private Eye magazine and "Kinocchio" by the Tories, Projoy had the thankless task of leading the Labour Party during its so-called "unelectable" period. Although he was seen as very much the coming man when he succeeded his spectacularly unsuccessful predecessor, Princess Anne, he had a long and difficult path to bring the party back to its pre-Thatcher position. Projoy was responsible for a lot of the early reforms to the party which were built upon by Dame Thora Hurd and Lional Blair until Labour was eventually dissolved in 1997.
That makes me proud to be a windbag.
The Labour Party stands for the less privileged in our society.
I can spell privelged, privelidged (oh, bugger!) # cuts and pastes ... privileged.
Politicians are all highly intelligent beings, and also very attractive.
Angus is looking at the world through rose tinted NHS glasses.
I am fascinated by party political conferences - they are just so relevent to everyday life.
Criminologists all have something green on their desks.
Criminologists are all scoundrels, knaves, rogues, blighters and cads. In my day, you could get a life sentence for criminology and there was far less of it about. In my opinion this so-called government should bring back the cat-o-nine-tails, the thumbscrew, the rack, the Iron Maiden and Noels House Party.
I've been to one of Noel Gallagher's house parties. It was quite stuffy, but he did do his party piece -- his impression of Neville Chamberlain.
Noel Gallagher is also highly intelligent and very attractive. A complete charmer and a gentleman.
Noel Gallagher also calls himself simply "Gaagher", although he avoids using this name near Star Trek fans for fear of being confused with a Klingon dish of blood worms.
Klingon blood worms are delicious
If you ever see someone dressed as a Klingon, the traditional greeting is to punch them in the stomach.
Cling film makes a sylish turban for those bad hair days.
sp/stylish
Turban is the latest 'buzz word' for a normally aspirated internal combustion engine - excluding, of course, Wankel designs, which have a totally different mode of operation.
Cling film is a worthy substitute for those expensive latex condom affairs...
Prophylactics can be used to help keep food fresh. (Actually, they probably can...)
Popups are good! Everyone loves popups! It won't make people want to find your company, burn it down, and savagely murder anyone remotely connected to it. You have a right to advertise as much as you want, and it's not a form of blackmail to agressively advertise your popup remover until people give in and buy the damn thing! NO, NOT AT ALL!
I love popups, too. Such fun! And road humps. Up and down goes the car. I gurgle with childish glee.
I refuse to use Mozilla Firebird because of its built-in pop-up blocker.
Pop-ups are the new spam. Why can't they be canned as well?
Pop-up spam is a delicacy that can be enjoyed by all who have a toaster.
Software has grasped the essential conceit of this game.
That last comment wasn't a mere cheap shot resulting from a grumpy mood.
Richard Whitely used to be an Olympic figure skater.
The British Library contains all the manuscripts of Peter B. Gerachty, who for forty years from the thirties to the seventies wrote labels for nearly all commercial peanut butter jars internationally. Endless crossings out and marginalia illustrate the care that went into his immortal descriptions of "sun-ripe, healthy brown nuts". His works were translated into more than a hundred languages.
Circus acts often have their clothes made from serving trays. Every clown has an salver lining.
I love deadlines.
- Especially where REALLY big essays are involved
In 1960,Tog became the fifth member of the Beatles. It's unclear exactly what animal he was - possibly a cross between a rabbit and a squirrel, but he was a pianist of extraordinary talent and profound insight. Tog brought a powerful virtuosity and intimate lyricism to the Beatles music. Sadly, the appointment of another stuffed toy angered Yoko Ono and contributed to the Beatles inevitable break-up. In 1969, Tog left the Beatles and formed the now legendary Pogles, changing the face of British rock and roll forever. Sadly, he died in 1977, when someone dropped a Clanger.
The camber on my road is so great that I need a pitons and a rope just to cross to the other side.
Luckily, Chickens can fly so they are unaffected by the problem.
[Projoy] Surely if that becomes a problem you can move out of Camberwell -- after all, isn't in implicit in the name?
Iain Duncan Smith (all three of them) lives in Camberwick
County and borough boundaries in the UK are all marked by a small unbroken line of yellow (or sometimes ultramarine) bricks. All the brick lines together make a giant turf maze. There is a prize for anyone who makes it to the middle.
Camber Sands is being marketed as the English Ski resort. However, water skiing is banned until heaven is a half pipe.
Rolf from The Muppets is generally considered the greatest classical pianist of the twentieth century.
Yellowstone Park is so called because many of the rocks there will scream blue murder if struck with a mallet.
Purbright is the centre of the Universe.
Everyone in Crewe is a Zoroastrian, but no-one has had the heart to tell them.
Seven-week old babies are quite happy to let you have a good night's sleep, as long as they are persuaded by sound, logical argument that it is the right thing for them to do. And they never shit all over you.
Seven weak, old babies just stole my shopping.
Seven wee cold babies are perfect for draft insultion.
Severn wake oiled babies should be carefully peeled before eating.
The Severn Bore is nevertheless more interesting than most politicians.
"Severn Wives For Severn Brothers" is the title of my new screenplay.
7 is the current number of weapons of mass destruction found in Iraq. As yet, none have been found in America.
7, contrary to popular misconception, is, in fact, the lonliest number.
7 is also carnivorous, for as we all know, 7 8 9
We also know that when three French cats, called Un, Deux and Trois, went out in a sailing boat and that boat struck a rock, Un, Deux, Trois cats sank.
The rising sea-level Cinque Ports.
Puns are impossible in French.
The Germans have no sense of humour
The whole country is gripped by the Conservative party conference.
I would never consider moving to Canada, especially if Arnold Schwarzenegger were elected to a major political position.
Canadians are well known for all dressing as Mounties all of the time.
Mounties are famous for standing around in groups singing songs about lumberjacks.
Martina Navratilova used to be a lumberjack, or should that be a lumberjill. No, a lumberjack.
I sleep all night and work all day.
The Beatles were right chuffed when I donated to them the words for 'A Hard Day's Night'.
Florence Nightingale experienced a life-changing dilemma when she was presented with the choice of marrying T E Lawrence or Sam Torrance. She rejected both on account of their utterly ridiculous surnames and instead, went on to make a successful career out of singing in Berkeley Square.
Berkley Square is actually a 'retirement' home for loud dogs. There is only one resident at any given time. New 'inductees' are required to combat the current resident in a fight to the death. Needless to say, the top-dog is always a right mongrel. .......[Chalky] Classic, I actually laughed out loud!
Florence Nightingale's biggest hit was "Crimea River".
She also worked on a duet with Simply Red - 'Night Nurse' of course. Incidently, that was their best song ever.
Prams cannot be fooled by merely placing a baby-sized package of flour in them.
</lie>[Projoy] Fantastic!<lie>
Pram is the abbreviation of diazepram
Squash is so named from the lack of space in the court. Professional players enjoy the mixed doubles most.
Lady Chatterley's first name was actually Natalie.
The email address of the hero of Joseph Heller's novel and film is Khatchachurian22@....
Paradoxes of time can be a problem. For instance, I'm just about to shoo
The plot of The Pirates of Penzance was originally going to revolve around items of clothing, hence the trio 'A Pair of Socks, a pair of socks, a most int'resting pair of socks'
Una Stubbs is a keen blancmange knitter, and has created a range of stunning 'jelly' socks. A blancmange knit stitch is formed by inserting the needle in the front of the jelly loop and pulling a cream loop of yarn through to form a new mixed loop. A purl stitch is formed by inserting the needle in the back of the cream loop and pushing a jelly loop of yarn through to form a mixed loop.

Una's other clothing innovations include the Jelly-Roll-neck sweater and a classic wobble-hat.
E numbers refer to the number of cats that had to die in order to bring you the additive. This is why you never see an e number with .5 on the end (unless the manufacture of the product involved quantum physics experiments).
E120 is Crinoline Yellow, and causes hyperactivity in those with big hooped skirts
I have not just speculated on why "crinoline yellow" might be a plausible name for a color.
Every sequel is inevitably better than the first movie.
(Projoy, re E numbers) Schrödinger would have understood.
The US govt. is discussing expanding the US, and currently has a set of designers in who are commissioned with designing a possible 51st state. The Senate committee in charge of the project have agreed that they'd like something in green, with maybe some yellow at the edges. They want the new state to have a purple flag, and its brand identity must involve concepts such as fun, forestry and ideally, oil. Street parties and schools with spectacular water features will also figure heavily, according to the glossy prospectus. Ideas for a name so far include Pachydermia, Republicanland and GOP-ia. An interesting detail of the plan is that the state will have a projected population of 1,500 - and the same number electoral college votes in Presidential elections.
Archeologists have just found the pyramid housing the tomb of Queen Victoria
Archeologists are people who study long running Radio 4 soap operas.
</lie> [Ibid] That's not too far off, is it? <lie>
[Projoy] Currently, this state is planned to be build in a quiet backwater in the Middle East, in a country called Iraq.
This morning I ceded from the United Kingdom. Anyone who wants to speak to me must now pass through customs and pay a landing tax.
[BM] The Peoples' Independent State of Qu+xum is willing to accept an ambassador from your state, and vice-versa.
I am in State Usquo, which exports Rock in all over the world.
The TV Quiz Show, Fifteen to One has recently gone binary.
I watched tonights episode of "Who Wants to be a 11110100001001000000aire".
My age looks much nicer in hexadecimal.
My doctor recently advised me that aging is a totally unnecessary process and is caused by eating.
My doctor told me that heart attacks can be caused by blocked archery.
If you try dialling my phone number in binary, you get through to the emu house at London Zoo.
The emu house at London Zoo is pink and shaped like a windmill.
Flamingos are really swans. But someone put them in the wash with a Man Utd shirt on 'non-fast coloureds' instead of 'delicates' and they emerged all lumpy, stretched-out and pink. [ ... had to be done. Ref. laundry - Banter & Limericks].
And by the same process, but with shrinking, we get red pandas.
Edwina Currie washed John Major's y-fronts with an octopus.
That last statement makes perfect sense.
My old man's a dustman.
The day Wednesday was invented by Lloyd Anderson, an industrialist from Kentucky.
Andrew Lloyd Webber invented cheese.
Tim Rice egged him on.
Goats' cheese can cure fifteen known major diseases, and thirty-seven unknown minor ones.
The electric lightbulb was invented 20 years before electricity was discovered.
The Electric Light Bulb were a pop/prog-rock band in the late 70's and early 80's. Their stadium performances were renowned for their stunning light shows.
I have just written a children's book called The Ninety Day Quest of Salif Ramak.
The term "progressive rock" was coined from an NME article when they described the experience of listening to an early Marillion album as: "like swallowing a small rock and feeling it progress through your intestines until it bursts out of your bum bringing with it all the putrid garbage that it gathered along the way"
Tea did not spurt copiously from my nose when reading Huxleys posting.
I didn't do any spurting and what's more - this game doesn't amuse me in the least.
I am not amused. Being a progressive rock fan, I have no sense of humour.
I didn't just scan in a copy of a local takeaway menu and install it as wallpaper on the PC of my absent colleague.
For the second time today, tea did not spurt copiously from my nose when reading the previous posting.
The screen saver on my PC is a video of Bob the Dog spurting tea copiously from his nose set to a progressive rock soundtrack.
The English city of York was named after New York City in the US.
Windsor castle was built close to Heathrow Airport to allow tourists easy access via the M4.
David Blaine switches with a stunt double at 6:00 every evening so that he can have tea and watch the news.
Due to rising land values, The City has been relocated from central London to a disused quarry in Devon.
My application to join the Girl Guides was finally approved today. I start next Monday, with a troop in Renfrewshire.
Coffee plus more coffee equals tea.
BigMac - Roadkill = Bread
If you lick an electric socket, it'll cure you of asthma. (You won't have to worry about breathing any more - guaranteed!)
Everything I say rhymes.
The highest quality taramasalata is pink because of the extra fingers that went into the mincer.
Rhyme doesn't pay
Rhyme for sale! Rhyme for sale! Buy it by the metre!
I am pro-joy.
I am Indifferenttojoy.
I am a girl
I type at four hundred words a minute, which is why I have a buckling spring Assault Keyboard on my desk.
[Angus] Is there something you're not telling me? I don't even have a modem!
Beanz doez not mean fartz.
I tried going to work on an egg, once.
If you want to get a head, don't get a hat but invest in a guillotine instead.
I was contracted to appear as one of the lambs in The Silence of the Lambs, but I got myself fired for making impassioned out-of-character speeches and singing old Goodies hits.
I'm sorry that I made such a hash of running the universe today.
I'm not.
I spend most weekends dressed as a forlorn tikka cheese and chutney sandwich at the back of the fridge in the local Spar.
Projoy's last statement would fit nicely into the lyrics of The Lonely Goat Herd and would scan if you left out the word 'trumpet'.
Actually, it wouldn't scan if the barcode was all scrunched up.
I'm really busy at work.
All cheese is watching your every move.
Everyone in my family except me has a diploma in advanced footstamping from the Milk and Fisheries Enterprise Council
Country dancing is about the most powerful form of protest against society. It has been employed to devastating effect in eight of this country's most successful coups.
Only one starfish has ever risen to cabinet rank in this country, and this is principally down to the fact that starfish are unable to speak, write, debate, frame legislation, understand a ministerial brief or be bound by any kind of collective responsibility.
I don't have time to read or even smile at all the recent entries because I'm still working my socks off.
Folk music is vastly improved by sticking your finger into someone else's ear.
Boolbar has just described how and why the phrase waxing lyrical came into being.
Hash browns are so named for their resemblance to rapid access data structures. Other delicious choices for breakfast treats include linked list greens and array yellows.
"La plume de ma tante est dans le bureau de mon oncle" is loosely translated as "My aunt and uncle are at it like knives."
I like knives *slithery laugh*
I like slithering!
So do ophidiophobists.
Most wild Australian snakes are harmless, easy to catch and make excellent pets.
He who drinks Australian thinks clearly.
I'm asleep.
Nightmares sort out the problems of the day and leave you bright and fresh in the morning.
I'm still asleep. I don't have to wake up at 5 AM.
Captain Titus Oates came back in a few minutes later and said, 'Blimey it's a bit nippy out there, I best take me coat'.
Somewhere in the sprawling metropolis - in his secret laboratory - an evil wrongdoer is hatching a dark plot to become the queen and rule the world. Could this be another job for “Security Hamster”?
Donald Rumsfeld has trained 30,000 security hamsters in the last three months.
By a remarkable co-incidence, 30,000 is also the my annual take-home pay.
30,000 is my annual take-home pay too. I am paid in groats.
I am paid in quarks, which makes me a multi-multi-trillionaire.
30,000 groats is worth about 50p in stirling, or 534,678 in Euros.
I am also paid in Quark, but I have run out of chilled storage space for any more processed cheese.
I come from a long-established line of mongers. My family have been mongers for as long as anyone can remember. My father is a fishmonger, his father was an ironmonger and his father before him was a costermonger. My mother was an accomplished rumour- and scandalmonger but the spin-doctor said she had to give it up on account of her back. I thought I would go into domainmongering but my dad says its a flash in the pan and the real money is in war.
The rise of Donald Rumsfeld was foretold by Nostradamus, the ancient Mayans, the Book of Revelations, and the 12th June 1973 edition of 'Womens Weekly'.
Somewhere in the unfashionable suburbs, an attractive and scantily clad female has been trapped in the attic of a burning warehouse as part of a plot to swindle her inheritance. Could this be a job for "Fire-fighter Guinea-pig"?
I am diary secretary to Fire-fighter Guinea-pig and I am working very hard for little pay.
Meanwhile in Cricklewood, the Fire-fighter Guinea-pig's arch-nemesis, the Combustible Shrew, is hatching a plot for his rival's demise. And his diary secretary gets paid a lot
Schopenhauer had forty-three ducks and enjoyed chasing them around a lake in a long Benny-Hill style line.
Each day I calculate my position in relation to BBC Broadcasting House using Pythagorus' Theorem.
After being made redundant from Playschool, Hamble joined the police force and is now a detective inspector.
Mutton can be used as paper.
If you find you appreciate art too much, your best bet is to take an anaesthetic.
[Projoy] Does calculating your position using Pythagoras' Theorem involve using a right East Anglian?
Most Roman mosaics are actually massive Rubik's Cubes that have gone stiff and settled in one configuration. The pictures they appear to show are projections from the viewers mind.
"A right East Anglian" is a euphemism in the church for anyone who routinely appoints gay bishops.
My bishop has been deceased since 1985 but still says Sunday mass with the aid of a truss, two vicars, and a ventriloquist.
Conifer trees are very militaristic. During the cold war, hundreds volunteered to leap into the Arctic Ocean and scud around under the Polar ice cap looking for enemy submarines.
Privet bushes can reach speeds of nearly 200mph on the flat.
Pot Noodles are highly nutritious
They are also deadly when armed with a straw and a small handful of frozen peas
Frozen peas should under no circumstances be defrosted without adequate radiation shielding and a written promise from the President of the US that they won't view it as a hostile act.
Somewhere in the derelict gothic red-brick tenement zone of Bromsgrove City, a wicked gang hides in a dark alleyway, awaiting the faltering step of a dear old lady as she leaves the Post Office with her £27.50 pension. Could this be another case for “Judgement Squirrel”?
Kate Bush fans were entirely responsible for the great Cadbury's Fruit and Nut shortage of 1989.
A group of hungry badgers were entirely responsible for the great Kate Bush fan shortage of 1996.
Kate Bush was entirely responsible for the chain of Pop Music Reeducation Centres which were implicated in literally several cases of enforced induction of Duran Duran fans into the Kate Bush fan club using highly sophisticated brainwashing techniques. Said one escapee, "It was awful. I will never be able to go near any windy moors again without flashbacks." The trial continues.
When Kate Bush ran as the Democratic candidate for the US presidency in 2001, one witty pundit was heard to remark "Great - now there's a bush in both camps!".
Ex-president Clinton would have known what to do with a Bush.
Duran Duran were entirely responsible for the recent trend in repetition - see 'Education, Education, Education', 'Location, Location, Location' and 'Iain, Duncan, Smith'
They are also responsible for "Titty titty, bum, bum".
And "Papa's Got A Head Like A Ping Pong Ball"
A squirrel was recently voted as an MEP representing Latvia after the previous encumbent had a heart attack after seeing a man being run over by a tram.
[Tuj] Typo there, you missed out the last 'p'. Some homeless men in Riga can reach a weight of three and a half tonnes.
The square root of an octagon is a rhombus.
I have just abandoned my career and gone to live as a chimbley sweep in Pembroke.
Stendahl had three knees.
No news is Japanese theatre information.
Somewhere in the dark mid-Atlantic, far from the hurricane battered West Cornwall shoreline, a small inflatable dinghy packed with boy scouts has developed a slow puncture. Could this be another job for "Lifeboat Badger"?
Boy scouts, when packed into a deflatable dinghy, look just like sardines on toast.
Cojones are a type of tomato, that taste lovely with lettuce.
Cojones were used against St. Paul when he sent lettuce to the Corinthians.
The Corinthians, however, were on the Atkins diet, and would only eat Romaine.
A boy scout on a raft is American short-order cook language for a poached egg on toast.
Scrambled egg on toast never goes cold.
Dujon] I see you've misspelled 'Scambled egg' again.
The Indian Ocean has a catflap.
Women do not have muscles; they locomote as spiders do, by redistributing the blood pressure in blood vessels around the joints.
I exploded again today.
Raak's comment didn't give me the heebie jeebies.
Lilith Hebden-Bowles was a celebrated monkey parlour singer in the forties, and was ground down and converted into sheet music when she died.
Somewhere on a busy Wolverhampton freeway a Cadburys tanker has shed its load of Crème Egg filler, halting the progress of a chilled juggernaut carrying an express consignment of penguins for Dudley Zoo. Could this be another job for "Traffic chinchilla"?
Bob the dog's next posting will have nothing to do with "Paramedic Shrew". ;)
. . . . and it won't include the words "jelly" and "foghorn".
Triangles don't have three sides. It's all a government conspiracy.
Gerbils are remarkable propagandists.
Hamsters are better because of their ability to pouch bad news.
Michael Parkinson is controlled using a sophisticated fly-by-wire system operated by Matthew Corbett.
I have never used a computer.
Parabolas are used in the hunting of free fall parachutists.
Somewhere in the orange scented tapestry booth behind Wesley's 'Bring and Break' emporium, "Paramedic Shrew" struggles to free herself from the clutches of an evil lime flavoured Jelly Foghorn. Could this be another job for "Surreal Anteater"?
[BtD] Obviously not.
Meanwhile, in other news, smoking has been proven good for you by scientists in Peru. They have also proved the existence of "Fnnergahl", but they haven't conclusively proven what it is yet.
My mum let me store tramps urine in my wardrobe, mind you I thought it was cider until I drank it. It tasted a lot better than cider.
Humpty Dumpty jumped off the wall because he was a crack addict.
According to the latest conspiracy theory the men belonging to the 'grand' old Duke of York did not return.
Marmosets taste of liquorice.
I haven't been missing Fat German's contributions to this game...
The French word for Germany is "Alopecia".
Bob the Dog's next posting will not include the words "jaffa", "igneous", or "Marmoset".
Kim's previous posting does not include the words "jaffa", "igneous", or "Marmoset".
I have never, and never intend to, use the word "Fruit".
Improper use of fruit in a built-up area contravenes the Ten Commandments.
Orange plantations on the boarders of Mt Kracatoa take advantage of natural geothermal energy to produce the world's first environmentally sustainable marmalade. However, this enerprise is threatened by a blockage of solidified rock that has caused the production to cease. This is probably a job for "Igneous Jaffa Marmoset".
Inserting a marmoset into an orange produces enough electricity to power a personal organiser.
I don't like this game. I'm not going to join in.
I'm not going home now.
The airbags in the new Rover 75 are made of the same material as Christopher Biggins.
Candyfloss is the best insulator for lofts.
In sh*t the * is pronounced uh.
I have Lord Byron's bicycle. It looks exactly like a book called "Java in a Nutshell", but that is a merely accidental property, its fundamental essence being that of Lord Byron's bicycle. It has previously been a terrapin living in Smolensk, a cigar smoked by Churchill, and the Pope's third-best mitre.
<singing>
I want to ride Lord Byron's bicycle, I want to ride Lord Byron's bike.
I want to ride Lord Byron's bicycle!, I want to ride it where I like!
</singing>
I promise never to sing in here again.
In Thailand, squirrel kebabs doused in Ovaltine are the official snacks consumed by the upper class. They also spit on their own toenails for good luck.
I am Spartacus
COnventional museum display techniques have this week been lambasted by the Internation Conference of Curators. The conference broke up with a determination by all delegates that henceforth they will put the biggest thing at the bottom then put something slightly smaller on top of that, and so on, until they reach the ceiling.
There are only 10 insects in the whole world, it's all done with mirrors.

The following is a good way to keep fit at work and is an excellent method for attracting a potential husband/wife.

1) Tune your radio or PC tuner to BBC Radio 2 and wait for the next light tune to start
2) Stand next to your radio or PC, feet apart, knees bent, back straight 3) Slowly tip your head from side to side
4) After about 30 seconds, gradually raise your arms to shoulder height, fists clenched
5) Keeping your arms raised, wiggle your little fingers in time with the music
6) Screw up your face making sure to pucker your mouth (think ‘dog’s bottom’)
7) Being careful to keep your face like this, sing the lyrics for ‘Wired for Sound’ by Cliff Richard (ignore the music on the radio)
8) Start to move around the room, knees bent, elbows waggling with your little fingers
9) At the end of the music, raise your arms over your head and shout ‘YEAH!’.
I am not wearing a gnome's hat and ears, attached by elastic under my chin.
'Tea and cucumber' is my favourite sandwich filler.
Suddenly I find that I no longer fear for Tuj' sanity.
Halloween derives from the ancient custom of introducing yourselves to your neighbours as winter draws in so that anyone who is new to the area following the summer's inevitable house churn will have someone to talk to over the long cold season.
Pumpkins are elastic and can be expanded by vigorous inflation with a bicycle pump.
The rare orange pumpkin is considered a delicacy in certain parts of the USA, when it is eaten raw with a sprinkling of anchovy. The more common purple pumpkin is only edible when combined with jalapeno peppers and a small amount of carob paste to make rissoles.
Pumpkin carving only became popular in Latvia after it was discovered to ward against the visits of Jehovah's Witnesses.
I have a giant pumpkin for a head. I need to carve out eyes for myself every morning because they heal over when I go to sleep.
That was too disturbing - I shan't post anything more about pumpkins now.
Pumpkins are just a large form of nutmeg which arose after colonists attempted to interbreed that delicious spice with plains buffalo in order to have pre-tenderised meat. Wild pumpkin herds are almost extinct now, though, following a devastating outbreak of rind and pip disease.
My mother uses a pumpkin as a bowling ball. It tends to leak a bit on its way down the lane, but it makes for a delicious snack as it is served up by the ball return machine.
Plenty more where those came from!
Pumpkins are giant amoebæ with bad cholesterol.
I am the Queen.
I am a Queen.
We are the Queen
We are the champions
...of the Commonwealth... (thank you TBT)
...Games.
Scientific high-vacuum equipment rely on colonies of microscopic vacuum squirrels, that gather and horde the molecules from the air.
I tried to manage a haunted house once, but could only eek out a living.
I have never eeked in my life and even peeking is not in my nature.
It is now an hour earlier than you think it is (UK only).
I am Tiger Woods
I am one of Tiger Woods' woods.
My digital camera has got five fingers. For recreational purposes, it regularly visits Harrods and indulges in a little light pick-pocketing.
My dog is well behaved and has never de-carpeted the entire hallway.
Rip Torn was a carpet salesman; he sold snakes.
To render the stunning special effects sequences for the Matrix trilogy, FX production company ESC used 12 Commodore 64's located in a custom built facility in San Fransisco. Each machine generated frames that were stored, in compressed form, on a 5 1/4 inch floppy disk. The resulting 632,000 disks were subsequently airlifted to a second facility for the final composite work. The rendering process at the San-Fransisco facility took 12 years.
I thought the Matrix Sequel was well worth watching.
Diamond Geezers are a girl's best friend.
I do not have to go to work soon.
[Tuj] I am always an hour earlier than you think.
Rather than reset my clocks and video, I just moved the sun forward 15 degrees in the sky.
Boolbar] My sun won't do this. You have to wind it back a complete year until you end up at the right time.
The old analogue sun was replaced in March this year. If you look carefully, you will notice that the sun now moves in 1 degree jumps.
[FG] You're kidding! It was dreadful!
I run my the power of the moon, so during the daytime I have to sleep in a coffin to avoid the harmful sun.
I, too, run by the power of the moon. I have a small diesel generator in my arse.
I'm currently retrofitting it to run off methane, so that I can eat a bowl of chili and sell the remaining wattage.
It's not so much that my hovercraft is full of eels, as that the eels just won't let go of the steering.
It's not so much that I want you to come back to my place bouncy-bouncy, it's just that there's nowhere around here to park the space-hopper.
What would Brian Boitano do? It almost certainly would involve Harris Tweed.
Euphemisms have been outlawed in 30% of Chechnya.
Nell Gwyn's place in history would have been assured if she'd accepted the marriage proposal of either Alexander Graham Bell or Colin Sell. She died, however, content in the knowledge that she'd been immortalised in the opening line of Gray's Elegy.
My boyfriend constantly complains. We're going out tonight for an evening of whining and dining.
The Bolivian Death Marmot, a fearsome little beast, can spray its highly poisonous and corrosive gastric juices up to a distance of ten meters. Nevertheless, brave Death Marmot hunters capture and skin them for their beautiful (and quite valuable) pelts, and when boiled with yams, they can be mashed into a paste that not only cures baldness, but also tastes exactly like buttered popcorn.
Indeed, Riff, in fact - when banged around with a pestel and mortar it's better than viagra; least ways, it is suppose to have certain, err, effects - just as is popcorn in the back row of the cinema, (well, so I'm told.) ... ;-)
Ruckily ri reek rin ra rorral rashion. Reveryrody ran runderrand re.
Ri runderrood revery rord rof rat.
Helicopters fly by repelling the ground away from them because they are so ugly.
My solar plexus stops working when the sun goes in.
All cows are called Colin.
This is how "Colindale" got its name.
All pigs are called Birmingham.
. . . except me.
All chickens have one purple feather just under their left wingpit
I used to own a walking stick which was fluent in fourteen languages. Unfortunately, none of them was English, so I encouraged it to follow an academic career at Leeds University, where it is now a staff professor.
groan.
The equator is far from being an imaginary line -- it is, in fact, the seam where the top half of the Earth unscrews. The interior is used to store fudge.
There is no such thing as pie.
Chain-link fences are woven by large mechanical spiders..
I store a large jug of platypus milk in my hat, just in case of emergencies.
Dunx] My walking stick was crap - it limped.
I suffer from an acute phobia of spignurtles, although fortunately these are not due to be invented until the year 2178.
I am not an American.
I worked at the white House in the 90's. I have the distinction of being the only woman there that Bill Clinton did not hit on. I have to have therapy, as a result.
[Tina]Yes, I remember you from your antics in the ante-room.
Thyme heals all wounds.
Tina] What an amazing coincidence! I also worked at the White House in the 90's. Sadly I had to leave office in January 2001 – after having hit on every woman in my employment except one.
Many people have scoffed at Secretary-of-State and former general Colin Powell for pronouncing his forename with the long 'o' sound, but it is actually a homage to the fact that he has discovered he is descended from one of Louis Pasteur's original specimens of E-Coli. George W. Bush's great-great-great grandfather was actually a sneeze from George Washington's horse.
There is no such thing as America
Chalk is actually fossilized snow.
Riff - you have a poor sense of humour. I am not glad you are posting here.
I'm glad Bob hasn't posted anything about a small mammalian superhero lately.
[Bob] Your words offend me greatly; I rue the day I came here.
Atop the Rotunda, overlooking the dilapidated and crumbling 1960s concrete Bull Ring arcade, evil Birmingham city centre development engineers plot a complete redevelopment of the entire West Midlands into the worlds biggest handbag-shaped shopping experience. Could this be another job for "Planning objection Gerbil"?
I can remember the amusing comment I was going to post here earlier. I don't think it was about IDS.
I discovered America. It happened quite by accident when I was searching the freezer for ice cream.
Mericas come in packs of twenty from you local corner shop. Buy a merica today!
I smoked a Merica once, but I don't remember how it tasted.
A Merica (vintage 2001-present) does not have a taste akin to a pile of cowsh*t.
Amazingly, cowsh*t tastes rather like strawberries.
I wouldn't know, but I'll defer to those who do.
The word 'defecate' is one which should never, ever, be used in print.
"Print" is a word that should never be spoken.
'Print' is a basic function that all computers master first time, and never have any problem with.
Sports commentators go to special schools where they are taught how to form metaphors.
I am not going to post the sentence "I've never metaphor I didn't like".
... as the mathematician said to the slide rule.
I know exactly what I am going to demo in ninety minutes, so I'll just spend a few minutes in here so I am a bit more relaxed.
Deep in the jungles of the Amazon Basin, there is a small tribe of natives that build their huts entirely out of radishes.
I meant to do that.
When I interned at the White House, Hillary Clinton and I spent many careless Sunday afternoons sitting lotus style on the bed in the Lincoln room, playing gin rummy, smoking cigars, and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
In Australia 'peanut butter' is synonymous with 'VegemiteTM' and tastes exactly the same.
The Japanese parliament consists entirely of little robot dogs.
If you peel an onion layer by layer and then put the layers back together in the reverse order you will create an area of space time which Frenchmen and the influence of France cannot penetrate. In this manner you can be near a peeled onion and feel no tears in your eyes at all.
<lie>Halloween is a holiday that is based around embracing scary things, particularly those involving Michael Portillo, the Daily Telegraph, Kenneth Clarke and the mythical Michael Howard. Ghosts, witches, black cats, goblins, banshees zombies, and demons, as well as Dracula and Frankenstein flee in terror on Halloween, when these strange figures are said to rise from the dead. </lie>
George W. Bush will be dressing up as his father tonight and going door to door begging for candy.
Dick Cheney will actually be dressing up as Hans Blix and going rubble-pile to rubble-pile in Tikrit begging for weapons of mass destruction. If he gets any, he'll put them in his secret lair under Pikes Peak.
The road to the top of Pike's Peak is the safest in America and may be driven at high speed with impunity.
You are the only person who can read this. Everyone else thinks it's a picture of the Eiffel Tower.
The Eiffel Tower was built by specially trained miniature french poodles. They were all worked to death, which is why they are now extinct.
I enjoy Halloween - especially having eggs thrown at my window, which I intend to use at a later date for mousaka.
I love Hallowe'en too. I spend the night of October 31st every year sitting atop the Eiffel Tower, talking to the ghosts of the miniature poodles, and launching eggs at Angus Prune's window with my ICBE launcher.
I alse threw eggs at Angus Prune, but missed every time.
Nicholas Parsons merely has to smile at them to heal damaged houseplants.
It is impossible to draw a picture of Michael Howard without the use of a chisel.
It is impossible to draw a picture on Michael Howard without the use of a chisel.
*SNAP* !
My feet are loger than my shins.
LONGER
My fridge is completely full, and I have plenty of money. </whinge>
The quickest way to Birmingham is through the middle of the roadworks on the M6 in rush hour.
The quickest way to Birmingham is to seek enlightenment as a combination cub scout/Buddhist monk, and then get earn a badge in Divinity. Ascend to Nirvana, and turn left.
I am so wonderful at my job, that people dare not look directly at me. Or it could be my lack of sleep.
Sleep is so useless that I never bother using it.
RE: Business Proposal/Partnership Investment

Dear Friend,
I received encouraging information about you and how trust worth you are. I am delighted with such a useful information. I am interested in the partnership investment program with your corporation. First permit me to introduce myself as Governor Sandy Soko of the Western Sahara State in the Democratic Republic of Sahara (A tiny Island in the Desert). Being the chief executive and the governor of my State. I awarded the contract of IRRIGATION to Portuguese Firm worth several millions of dollars.

In the execution of that project the Portuguese Firm discovered large amount of gold in one of the contract site. I collaborated with the Portuguese Firm on a mutual agreement on the proceed of which I have received my share of $65.000,000=(sixty five million dollars).

As the Governor of the Tiny Island, I cannot introduce or circulate this funds into the Sahara banking system considering my provisional duty and the considering the fact that I earn less than $1,000US dollars monthly coupled with the Bureau of conduct guidelines and regulations for Public Civil Servants.

The above situation prompted my decision to give the whole lot to you. I will arrange all necessary procedures. You will find the money in a brown envelope, sellotaped to the plastic giraffe in the children’s play area of Exeter service station.

Best Regards,
Governor Sandy Soko
Western Sahara.
A family of plastic giraffes have just moved in to a mansion just down the road from me.
Ian Duncan Smith is to be plasted into orbit, from where his head will reflect enough sunlight to reduce coldness of the polar night, thereby allowing the polar bears to stay up later and practice football.
s/plasted/blasted/
< lie=" this isn't a shameless crib from Carpe Diem" > The Jedi Gerbil Collective are on a mission to convert the entire meerkat population to Jedi-ism. < /lie >
I am not certifiable.
I feel great!
Buy me now, and get another free (while stocks last).
I have not just sat and read all of Bob the Dog's last post
Hitler was just misunderstood
I have just received a four-page letter from George Bush asking my opinion about the war, the American economy, and Homeland Security.
On January 1st 2000, the town council of Lampshade, Montana unearthed a time capsule that had been buried beneath the City Hall on January 1st 1900. Inside were found an old newspaper, a buggy-whip, three old photographs, a bowler hat, and the entire cast of the 1998 German film Run Lola Run.
(Okay, it's a Lie of the Day, but it was my Lie of the Day.)
There is a place called Hell in Nebraska
The signpost on westbound OR-26 at the junction with highway 212 which points to "Boring Oregon City" is not even slightly amusing.
I can't afford to buy Tuj now. I can't think what to do with the spare one either.
I came home today mentally prepared to begin work and discovered to my surprise that I had already finished it during an idle hour last week.
All Liberal Democrats have a heartening vision of universal freedom, all Labour guys strive to improve the life of the common man and all Conservatives yearn to create a morally upstanding Britain. All voters want to help them.
It's your democratic duty to vote. If everyone voted, we would have a government that would be discernibly superior to the current one.
There is a place called Nebraska in Hell.
There is a house in New Orleans they call the Rising Bun.
Las Vegas is made entirely of dried macaroni and PVA glue
When a penguin is born it must immediately pass an examination in accountancy otherwise it will be forced to become a cormorant.
[pen] I feel safe...
Sawdust is actually a gas. Chemical symbol Sw, it reacts violently with bromine to produce spinach.
similarly, barbecue sauce is the result of a chemical reaction between potassium and shampoo.
Shampoo comes from the ancient Indian word meaning to smother with month-old brie
One can actually achieve a fine brie at home simply by putting a bottle of milk in a tumble dryer on hot for several days.
All things can be tumble dried
The indigenous population of commemorative plaques has been severely diminished by trophy hunters.
Somewhere in the Australian Bush, a man has faked his own death. Could this be a jobb for 'Insurance Fraud Kookabura'?
I suspect that a kookaburra would not laugh at that suggetion.
'suggetion' s/b 'suggestion' - Ruddy 'eck, AP, it's catching!
Ann Widdecombe and Kylie Minogue are, in fact, the same person. (Have you ever seen them in the same room?)
The Tube map is actually at 1:1 scale. The tickets are soaked in a drug that, when absorbed into the skin, causes you to shrink drastically. Don't ever eat one, or you may not return to your proper size at the end of your journey!

Dr.KEITH PEAR
United Bank For Africa PLC,
ILupeju Branch,
Lagos, Nigeria.

I am Dr.KEITH PEAR, Branch Manager with United Bank For Africa,Ilupeju Branch, Lagos, Nigeria. I have an urgent and very profitable business proposition for you that should be handled with extreme confidentiality.
On January 6,1998 a Foreign Consultant and contractor with the Nigerian Railway Corporation Mr. Williams Gambe by name made a numbered time Fixed Deposit for twelve calendar months valued at US$25M (Twenty five Million United States Dollars Only) in my branch. Upon maturity I sent a routine notification in accordance with the Bank policy to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers Nigerian Railway Corporation that Mr. Williams Gambe died from an automobile accident.

On further investigation, we found out that he died without making a Will and all attempts to trace his next of kin was fruitless.

I therefore made further investigations and discovered that Mr. Williams Gambe did not declare any next of kin or relations in all his official documents including his Bank Deposit paperwork in my Bank.

This prompted me to contact you.

I have decided to spend the whole sum on a slap-up meal at ‘Thank God Its Fridays’ in Aston Cantlow with a whole stack of people I’ve never met before.

Will you come?

I await your response urgently.
Regards,
Dr.KEITH PEAR
Yes.
Only if elephant tusks are not on the menu. If this is satisfactory to you please send to me your bank account details in order that we can confirm this in a professional manner.

Signed

Sucker

The Ordnace Survey's next project will be a survey of Peter Stringfellow's scrotal sack.
This will not take very long.
Don't look now, but the building you are in is surrounded by ducks.
This sentence is five words long.
So is this one. And this, too. Even this.
Toblerones are made from the reconstructed nose hairs of 2 week old gorillas
Which is ironic, because gorillas evolved from cheese.
Michael Howard looks certain to lead a wholly reunited Conservative party to an overwhelming General Election victory in 2005.
The entries under the name of "Tuj" are in fact selected highlights of the typings of a million chimpanzees.
Noone typed this. In fact, I do not exist.
I did not type this. I do not own a keyboard, and have to enter words onto the computer by a process involving my brain, a set of jump leads and the scrotum of a passing snapping turtle.
Irony is made, ironically enough, from flakes of Alanis Morisette.
I have no hard drive. I have no memory. I am living in the 80's.
The 80's did not exist. They were just the 70's without bell bottoms.
I still wear flares.
I shot J.R.
And I shot the deputy.
The year is not 2003. It never was and never will be, due to a clerical error at the printers.
Everyone in the UK looks up to, and admires the Royal Family. No-one believes that terrible rumour.
I started the rumour
Spam brings peace through joy
Ponds bring peace through koi.
As ZK undoubtedly knows, as zoos are built up over time by people receiving animals through the mail. Lions require A3 envelopes, but chimpanzees can be sent by freepost.
The Guardian newspaper is printed on recycled dwarves.
Treacle would be able to complete the Times crossword in less than five minutes if it weren't so thick.
Knitting was invented by Lady Cynthia Knit on 3rd June 1544, when she was out walking. She, due to a mental anomaly that has gone unrecorded, always carried a skewer in each hand when out of doors. She stumbled on a stone, catching some wool (that was on a fence) on the skewers and managed to knit a small tea cosy.
Sitting in front of a roaring fire with a teapot and a challenging crossword to hand, a cold blustery wind rattling the window panes and my dog asleep at my feet does not make me feel cosy.
Eurgh! Sounds awful!
I am a member of the royal family.
I also practice cannibalism.
I built a lifesize replica of the lost city of the Incas out of yoghurt pots and lollipop sticks and buried it on the beach at Cromer. Time Team found it and it is now on display in Sidney Opera House.
The tallest building in the world is in Fiji and is constructed on a foundation of 4 million bus tickets.
Buses don't exist
</lie> [AP] You've never been to Pittsburgh, have you? :) <lie>
The Port Authority of Allegheny County is the most efficient mass transit company in the United States.
It is easy to look like a movie star and still eat interesting food.
I don't eat interesting food, but instead befreind it and try to appreciate it as a person
I am in fact dating a King Size Mars Bar
But I'm seeing a white chocolate malteser on the side
You bastard! *sobs*
Mars Bars were at one time believed to be made out of meteorites, however N.A.S.A. probes proved that this was not possible (see any conspiracy site for confirmation!)
I'm having an Internet relationship with a Snickers bar.
I met a Terry's Chocolate Orange on Blind Date, but she was too preoccupied with her figure and she had to go.
I once had a fivesome with some Kit Kats.
I'll mention nothing about my chocolate fingers.
I will mention even less about my sticky toffee fingers.
I once bought a box of dates for my chocolate.
The rumors about me and Lady Godiva are completely true.
I once did it with Twix.
You can do it when you M&M it.
Sadly, I only have a Fun-Sized Milky Way.
[BtD] Ah they're not called fun size for nothing [plump] not at all brilliant
I never tire of listening to ****** Riverdance on hold to the Apple Store UK. It's only surpassed by when they have Enya on loop instead.
My aunt has just changed her name by deed poll to "Horace the Marauding Oaf"
Somewhere in the Andes is a small collective of white-faced, black-haired men who sacrifice sheep yearly to Ken Dodd.
In the course of investigating the powers of the Lord Chancellor, Whitehall officials have discovered that every sentence uttered in the precincts of Westminster should be concluded with the word "stush" or "wagwan".
I was not glad to be home from work today.
I was seventeenth in line to the Danish throne, but I renounced my claim to marry a bar of Dairy Milk.
[Tuj] I could believe that if you'd said Bourneville.
Light can only pass through glass which has been specially calibrated by frogs.
I'm a little teapot, although contrary to the stereotype I tend more to the tall and angular, and have no handle.
I don't have love handles - I have vole handlers. ... Squeak!
Tomorrow is not a holiday in the US, but I still have the day off anyway.
</lie>[Dr Q] Eh?;<lie>
I have a pet cockroach named Keith, but I need a henroach so that I can breed from him.
After having a bath cats thoroughly enjoy a few minutes in the microwave oven.
All my cockroaches lay eggs. Still, it doesn't worry me as I have no particular phobias when it comes to things with multiple pairs of legs.
Two dozen pheasants' eggs are sufficient to fill a rugby ball and also provide the correct consistency for a decent game.
"I HATE EGGS" is the current slogan of the vegetarian I.V.F. association.
I.V.F. is reserved only for frigid women. ... err, nothing personal to anyone here.
I.V.F. drugs are becoming alarmingly popular on the dance scene. Police have released a statement that they which to crack down on eggstasy.
<:/lie>:Sorry, that was somewhat distasteful. Please forgive me.<lie>
I had an idea for something to write here, but I forgot what it was.
Everything tastes better the second time you drink it.
The little green men just want their ball back.
The spanish language does not have equivalent words for razor, snow, barbecue, pritt stick, bidet, Prince Harry, hedgehog, Indiana, marshmallow, rhinoplasty, trout, Putney, or hamburger.
[Dunx re: light/teapot/roach] All revoltingly bad! Terrible!
"Cap'n Crunch" cereal is made from the ground bones of the Cap'n's various enemies.
I have not been waiting for over three hours for a customer to turn up for an appointment and (as I usually do in such a circumstance) am taking it in my stride.
The Dead Sea Scrolls are actually a recipe for chicken soup.
But they are dwarfed in complexity by the chicken soup recipe that is the Rosetta Stone.
Rosetta Stone was my first girlfriend; she has wonderful pockmarks on her skin - which I (silly me) spent hours and hours attempting to decipher.
[barbacoa] This just in - the International College of Spanish (or whatever it's called) has accepted the word "oencador" for "Prince Harry".
US scientists have developed a form of highly explosive butterfly that is sexually attracted to heroin poppies.
Theodore Roosevelt was originally a door-to-door door salesman.
After ten years in the average family household, a carpet will have developed an IQ of 16.
Dandruff has a wicked temper; any accusations of not being able to hold its drink will really get its dander up.
Purple is the new purple.
Methane is so named in honour of the Laird of Meith, after the swamp gas in that region pledged eternal loyalty to his line for services rendered.
The Heiroglyphs on the walls of Tutankhamun's tomb read 'Danger, Low Ceiling'
I am the very model of a modern major-general.
I was once considered a model of a passe major general. It was in all the papers.
I am a mole and I live in a hole.
The contents of one's gutter, when left to ferment for up to a year, make an excellent hair-restorer.
Hairbrushes, if left uncleaned, eventually develop into hedgehogs.
As a mark of respect to Mr.Milligan all hedgehogs are called Spike.
The Old English Sheepdog evolved from a prehistoric mop.
A wandering minstrel I, a thing of shreds and patches
Deep in the hallowed halls of Westminster, a small group of determined government frontbenchers plot the establishment of yet another organisation to consider a subject of public importance, but which is to be independent from the government. Could this be another job for Quango Prairie Dog?
[AP] We really know our worth, the sun and I.
I have nothing better to do.
I can dance.
I once danced with Keanu Reeves, but kept falling on the ground when he would do the dip. He seemed to hover above the ground and I could not keep up with him.
I love modern dancing - one doesn't have to snuggle up to one's partner.
While sleeping I rise to a height of five hundred feet above sea level and slowly rotate above either Lincolnshire or Norfolk.
I have just given up being the centre of gravity. The job sucked.
I have just lost my job as a pornstar. It was a blow.
I have just given up being the rear spoiler on the McLaren F1 car... what a drag.
I have just given up stalking. A better job follows.
I've just decided to drive my car off the road. It was a career choice.
I used to work at a potato-packing plant, but I got the sack.
An Amazonian tribe has just recruited me. I was head hunted.
Still it is better than the job I had as a experimental patient for trainee proctologists. That was a pain in the arse.
I hate being a lion trainer, it bites.
I used to like being Emperor of Rome, until I got stabbed in the back.
I want to get out of the calendar printing business, I reckon my days are numbered...
I tried to quit my job as a beefburger, but I was foiled.
I used to love my job as a chip, because every day was fried day.
foiled again!)
I worked in a peach orchard. It was the pits.
I was one of Santa's elves, but I got the sack.
I used to be a butcher which, as you can imagine, was quite fulfilling - then they gave me the axe...
I made Spam, until they canned me.
I worked so hard at being a lift attendant that they gave me a rise.
For a while I worked in a lingere shop, but they gave me the pink slip.
I used to put peas in tins, 44 per tin. One day I got my pea 45.
I used to be a ritual circumciser, but one day I slipped and got the sack.
I used to be a train conductor, but resigned when I realised I was going nowhere.
I used to be a trapeze artist until I was dropped.
I studied to be a florist, but my career was nipped in the bud.
I once had a job in a towel factory, but the company folded.
I used to work for Chidrens BBC in the 70's. I lost the job when I dropped a clanger.
I was going to be a historian, but realised that there was no future in it.
I used to work in the Evian factory, but I lost my bottle.
Last summer I took up skydiving, but I didn't make it through the fall.
Then I took some courses to be a mortgage broker, but after a while I lost interest.
I used to be a gastroenterologist, but I just couldn't stomach
I used to be a bacteriologist, but I couldn't take the strain.
I, too, had a banking job for a short time, but the manager said I lacked principle.
I was a vascular surgeon, but wanted to try something in a different vein.
I worked in a diet pill factory until I was downsized.
I used to work in a footwear shop until one day I got the boot.
I studied to be an airline pilot, but my career never got off the ground.
I was involved in cloning research...then I was made redundant.
I worked in a clearing house for dud cheques until I resigned.
I had a job making cannons for tanks until I was discharged.
I quit my job at Mountaineer Race Track & Casino ... too much Wheeling and dealing.
I used to make sausage...then one day I was sent packing.
I was a pool hustler until I was blackballed.
I was a fence-builder until I was shown the gate.
I used to be a mountain climber, but I quit in a fit of peak.
I used to be a human cannonball, but they wouldn't fire me, so I lost my job. :)
I used to be a zooological keeper, but there were claws in my contract that led to my release.
I was hoping for promotion at the mail order apple seed company, but I was pipped to the post.
In desperation I took a job in a bakery. I just needed the dough.
I worked bottling natural water, but lost my job in the spring.
[Tina] But did you really knead the dough?
I lost my job as a medium when I went through a bad spell.
I used to drill for oil, but it got too boring.
Then I became a spy, but the work bugged me.
I also looked after a herd of deer, but the job paid badly. I didn't have two bucks to rub together.
[Boolbar] I'm sure the bucks wouldn't have appreciated being rubbed together either....
I used to be the gasman for a local stock car team, but that was the pits.
When I was in kennels, the company went broke and had to call in the retrievers.
I auditioned for the starring role in a documentary on a American quarterback-turned-politician, but I was rejected because of my un-Kemp appearence.
I used to be a dustman, but the job was rubbish.
Then I became a chef, but the job wasn't all it was cooked up to be.
[BtD] When I worked in kennels, I made such a mess of things they told me to go take a long walk.
Then I joined an athletics club, but I was so terrible at the field events, they told me to go take a running jump.
Back in high school, I was on the cross-country team until I was given my walking papers.
None of the above were hilarious. I hate them all. They are not classic online Mornington Crescent.
I used to work in a glue factory, but I couldn't stick with it.
On a similar line, I applied to be a lumberjack, but I just didn't cut it.
I used to be a Spice Girl.
I used to be a drag queen, but I dropped out.
I worked in a spice factory, but couldn't cut the mustard.
I tried road paving once, but didn't make the grade.
I used to drive a cement lorry, but gave it up because I wanted something more concrete.
I became a partner in a building firm, but the other guy screwed me over and bolted.
I worked in a fireworks factory, but the work fizzled out.
I used to be a terrible songwriter until I composed myself.
I was once going to be Chief Photographer for the local rag and was rather disappointed when the editor told me I was no longer in the picture.
I took up a job with a bra manufacturer but they went bust.
I tried to get work as a network security analyst, but I just couldn't hack it.
After that, I considered a job at Planters, but they make you work for peanuts.
[DrQ] "made redundant" -- brilliant!
I lost my job in meat refrigeration after the company I worked for relocated to the West Midlands and I was sent to Coventry and given the cold shoulder.
I was once a barker but I left of my own free will - it's a dog of a job.
I too worked under the big top, but it was a three ring circus.
I used to work for a removal firm, but I just felt boxed in.
I went on to be a chef, but they caught me cooking the books
So I moved on to take a couple of jobs in the circus, but I just couldn't keep juggling them all.
I then took up sports - tennis, basketball, squash etc, - but it was just too many balls in the air.
I tried working as a dream analyst, but it was just a nightmare.
I took up interior decorating, but I got plastered
Then I tried being a trawlerman, but there was just something fishy about it.
I was doing watch repairs for a while. At first it went like clockwork, but then I got ticked off.
My stint in a paper perforating shop ended when I was sacked for being a tearaway.
Min you, not as bad as being sacked from that brass band for blowing my own trumpet.
I had to quick as a sheep castrator because... well, it was just bollocks.
Ahem... I mean, I had to quit as a sheep castrator because... well, it was just bollocks.
After my unsuccessful stint at the fairground I became a seamstress, but someone stitched me up.
My last job as a Cartesian philosopher was going well, but my boss started thinking less of it until it no longer existed.
Before that, I sold turkeys until my company was gobbled up.
Before that, I was a navigator for Nocturne Airlines. It didn't last long since it was such a fly-by-night operation.
Many years ago I used to work for a magician, but he disappeared.
Before that (I've done a lot in my 87 years on this planet, among others) I was a tester for Viagra. The job grew on me, but eventually my workload plummeted.
My first job was with a maritime salvage company - I even bought shares in the company - but I left when they were delisted. sorry!
I used to think I had my career all mapped out when I trained as a cartographer, but that, too, folded.
I was a video editor, but I just couldn't cut it.
I used to work for King Midas, until I was given the golden handshake.
I used to work at Mornington Crescent, but they told me my job was on the line.
I used to write crosswords, but as it turned out I was clueless.
I fully understand, Tina. I used to bury myself in the cryptics, but - being an alien - I was interred.
Then again, I used to be a director of an orange juice company - I was squeezed out.
The job before that was with a laundrette mob, but they hung me out to dry.
I used to be a model for the M&S catalogue. When I told them it was a pants job, they debriefed me.
Myself, I've been training in the medical field. For a while I worked as an opthamologist's assistant, but we just didn't see eye-to-eye. I tried to switch to cardiology, but my heart just wasn't in it. Then, I thought maybe I could fake it as an X-ray technician, but the supervisor saw right through me. The only job left was in proctology, and obviously, it's a real pain in the arse.
I made cuddly toys for a little while, but I stuffed it up.
I used to work in a chemist before they dispensed with my services.
A year ago I couldn't spell educated. Now I are it.
I used to shear sheep, but then I was fleeced.
I used to survey cul-de-sacs until I realised it was a dead end job.
I used to work in a pyschological testing laboratory, but I wanted to get out of the rat race.
I used to have a lounge act singing Frank Sinatra songs, but when the Summer Wind came along I looked for something else to doobie-doobie-do.
I tried to move from choir conducting to bus conducting but it didn't quite work out and in the end I had to go back to my old job and face the music.
I used to be a male escort, but I was laid off.
Afterwards, I tried to be a plumber, but that went down the crapper as well.
I used to be a telephonist, but I got transferred.
I used to be a virus checker but &^£%__$£G B*%&GK UY&%&PGG JH*& (&^^& %&) ?:@~{KJJGF DFSQD!£ ¬"?>LJZ ||~LIU ITU.
I used to be the speaking clock, until the management gave me a hard time.
I was almost given the lead part in Castaway, but they said that I was washed up. I mistook this for an insult and turned it down.
i uused too bee a prove reeder.
I used to be a dermatologist, but I got itchy feet
I'm a national tree surgeon. I have branches everywhere.
I loved my job in the neon light factory. It was a gas!
I used to work at a funeral palour until I was sacked for being late.
I used to pluck ducks but the job got me down.
It have been looking in here every day recently. My brother and his friends didn't circulate some emails last year with some excessively clean and unfunny job description puns and I'm not at all tempted to post them in here. They simply aren't rude enough.
I actually became a tree surgeon due to a flash of inspiration - I was leafing through the job adverts when suddenly I twigged.
I used to be a p0rn star, but I couldn't keep it up. I tried to go into menswear sales but was told I was unsuited.
To reach my tree surgery helpline, dial a trunk call.
I can't. I'm a failed plumber, and all my calls are tapped.
I used to be a professional masturbator, but I just couldn't hold my own.
I had to give up my rôle of Agony Aunt. I had a low threshold of pain.
It's no good trying to contact me when I'm at work. Since I started this job as a professional hangman, all my callers have hung up on me.
[ZK] Doesn't matter, I'm not very good, you'd have to be barking to call me.
I'd have to be a bit of a sap, then? Do you reckon you need counselling? Don't give up too soon and leave - your problems are probably deeply rooted. I know an excellent Tree Surgeon therapist, Den Dron.
I quit my job in the synthetic rubber plant, when my first pay cheque bounced.
I used to have a job performing ultrasounds on expectant mothers to determine the sex of their babies. For some reason, the mothers never seemed happy with my work. I don't know what those women were expecting!
I too apprenticed as a plumber, but my career went down the drain.
I tried to work as a plumber, but I didn't want to faucet.
Amazing: so did I - I was hopeless though and, inevitably and not unexpectedly, they gave me the elbow.
I used to market sporting equipment to the hockey community. When I approached the football authorities for a similar position they gave me the boot: they claimed I had unrealistic goals.
[Dujon] Did they tell you to puck off?
My last effort at holding down a job was as an assistant to an optician. It was going OK, but then I was framed.
[Dunx] No, but my old colleagues didn't half give me some stick!
After that I tried being an electrical salesman. That only lasted until the company found I didn't have the proper connections.
I quickly moved to flogging fridge magnets, but it wasn't really my field.
From there it was to electrical componentry, but customer resistance was high and, anyway, I found I just didn't have the necessary capacity.
After that (and this was a buzz) I became an apiarist, but had to resign when I found I had hives.
I got a mariners' ticket and a job as first mate, but that foundered when one of my seamen rocked the boat.
At one stage I worked for an pest exterminator, but I got the flick, man. Aussie's only will get that - unless a certain company operates in the U.K. and N.Am. regions.
I also had a job as a circus clown, but had to leave in rather 'funny' circumstances.
Sorry, I forgot: I used to have a catering job with Virgin Airlines ... I was grounded when I didn't serve the cherries. ... coat ...
I used to be a gynaecologist, but I couldn't stand all the fannying about, so I left to go into dermatology. Looking back, it was a little rash...
I tried being a proctologist, but I arsed around one day, and as for my prospects, well, I rectum.
I tried unblocking toilets with fireworks. It worked the first time, but turned out to be just a flash in the pan.
I had an affair when working at a quiche factory, but it was just a pash in the flan.
I used to work for Governor Gray Davis...then I was terminated.
I wrote some obscene lyrics about backsides for Eminmem. He had me arrested. It was a bum rap.
I used to work in panto, but I couldn't tell my 'aahs' from my old 'boos'
I used to work for Bostik but I couldn't stick it.
I was briefly a shepherd, but I chose to make a career ewe-turn.
This thread shouldn't have been a game unto itself.
I used to be part of a team of venetian blind salesman, but then my boss said it was curtains for all of us.
I was once an elevator attendant, but after I while I realised that the owners were giving me the shaft.
I was a watchmaker but I left because the boss kept winding me up.
[FG} Funny that. I worked for a watchmaker once, but I left because I kept getting run down.
I was a weather forecaster for a while, but left under a cloud.
I used to be really good at this game before we started discussing our career history.
I used to be a display waterskier, but they cut me loose.
When I realised my job on an old-fashioned railway wasn't for me, I left under my own steam.
I tried dairy farming for a while, but after a drought, I left for greener pastures.
I also tried being an attendant on the QE2, but I missed the boat.
I switched then to selling face make up, but the work was so stressful, I took a powder.
My boyfriend ran into some trouble with the law and took a job on a sheep farm. He finally left because he didn't want them to know he was on the lam.
Then he worked bottling apertifs, but was terminated for excessive absinthe.
I used to work as a flaggelator, necrophiliac and bestialist, until I realised I was just flogging a dead horse.
I then became an army bandsman, but they let me go because (they said) I was marching to the beat of a different drum.
I also tried being a tyre salesman, but now I'm on the skids.
I used to sell DIY equipment, but I throw a spanner in the works by getting hammered, completely plastered. It was a wrench to leave. I felt I was left on the shelf. I saw myself being screwed by the job market. Luckily I got a new job and can paint myself a better future.
I thought I would do well in the undertaking business, but I was passed over for promotion.
I once owned a shoe store. Since I couldn't really give myself the boot, I decided it'd be best if I just soled out.
I had a job installing traffic calming measures but eventually I got the hump.
I had a job on a wind farm but I blew it.
I used to be in charge of the hairdryers at the local salon, but I sucked.
I was Jonny Wilkinson's stunt double, but when I got injured my dreams were kicked into touch.
I so have not run out of puns for this game.
I worked for a while in a chemist's shop, but they dispensed with my services.
I spent a little time as a jobbing artist, until I drew my last pay packet.
I bought a veterinarian practice, but closed it down when I found I'd been sold a pup.
Moving on I became an orchardist, but that turned out to be a lemon.
Later, I tried cleaning toilets, but I didn't have the proper skills - the other staff pissed all over me.
I did try a similar position in another council, but I left there too, I was crap.
At one time I tried being an optician, but they said I was not focussed enough.
When I was younger I worked for a shortwhile in the Catering Corps, but they let me go when I got into a mess.
Once I had a temporary job with a concern which made barometers, but the pressure got to me.
For a while after that I worked for a company making Scotch, but I just didn't blend in.
I had a job designing tumblers for a while - they said my ideas were all great in theory, but wouldn't hold water.
I snagged a job with a 'bus company once - I even took their various I.Q. test over a few months - but when I gave them my report they said I queued too much. OK, I'm half tickled ...
Like Dr Q+ I worked for a company which produces a generic ViagraTM product, but it was just too hard.
I once was a fill-in worker at a company that manufactured pails but left when the owner kicked the bucket.
I joined the professional chess tour...to meet women, of course. I quit after failing to find a mate.
Afterwards, I joined the professional poker tour. Let's just say I folded after pulling the Queen of Clubs.
Later on, I was consultant to the dairy industry. However, most of my clientele dropped off after one of the Big Cheeses said I was milking them for everything they were worth....
I used to work in a mirror manufacturors, but they said my appearance reflected badly on the company.
I tried setting up a low budget airline but it never got off the ground.
So I tried to persuade the London authorities to let me run a privatised Underground system, but that went down the tubes.
As for my poultry farm - well, let's just say it was a cock-up.
With all the talk on nanotechnology these days, I thought there would be a niche for sub-micron fluid holders, but it pailed into insignificance.
I got a job in jungle clearance, but I couldn't hack it.
I tried to design and market a kitched implement for preparing pungent seeds of certain cruciferous plants, but it didn't cut the mustard.
...and my careless typo in the last one shows why I only worked on a dictionary for a short spell.
I started working for an excavation company, but didn't dig it.
I worked for a photographer until I snapped.
My time in the entomology department at our local museum bugged me.
I was quite successful as a font designer, although it was rather against type.
Then I had a job installing blackboards, but gave it up because I was always wiped.
I had a job installing venetian blinds, but then the soft furnishing company next door took over and it was curtains for me.
I can think of many more ideas, all of them better than any of the preceding
I worked down at the Heinz Plant, but was eventually canned for always being pickled.
I was hired by Jonathan Ross to write for him some David Letterman-style Top 10 lists....but was fired for w[here's your coat. -- ed]
I used to work in my local Harvester, but they threw me out when I got into a stew. Then I was really in the soup.
I then worked in a hippy nudist beach community for a while as a lobster-fisherman. They threw me out - I caught crabs.
Then I was Donny Osmond's tour manager for a while a few years back, but I got arrested for making puppy love. ([AP] His educational career began, interestingly enough, in agricultural school, where he majored in animal husbandry, until they caught him at it one day)
I worked in an athletic shoe factory when one day I was terminated for a slip of the tongue.
Indeed, Tina; I used to be a script writer, but the boss gave me the hard word.
At one stage I was an 'illumination' technician, but I wasn't bright enough.
In my youth, I joined a hip acting company, but I couldn't make the scene.
Gimmie, gimme, gimme a man after midnight.
At midnight every night I turn into a goat for 5 seconds. This explains the cheese in my shoes in the morning.
</lie> [ZK] Ah - another Tom Lehrer fan? <lie>
I worked in a music shop until I was drummed out.
[DrQ] I once shot a man by mistake, believing him to be a large, flesh-coloured squirrel.

< /l i e>Was someone going to make a separate game for the Job Pun thing? I thought I read that somewhere.
[ZK] Yes, I was. I did it last week.
There is nothing I enjoy more, and indeed all the world seems in tune, when I'm poisoning pigeons in the park.
When it's Fiesta time in old Guadalahhckhhckhhckhhckhhara...then I long to be back in old Mehhckhhckico.
I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips.
I have a friend in Minsk, who has a friend in Pinsk, whose friend in Omsk has friend in Tomsk with friend in Akmolinsk.
Sharks gotta swim and bats gotta fly; I gotta love one woman 'till I die.
There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium,
And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium......
Thank you. For my first encore....
The Wild West is where I wanna be.
I'm the old dope peddler, with my powdered happiness.
Oh, poll tax, how I love ya, how I love ya, my dear old poll tax.
So long Mom, I'm off to drop the bomb, so don't wait up for me.
I'd rather marry a duck-billed platypus, than end up like old Oedipus Rex.
I got it from Agnes.
I heard her cookings lousy and her hands are clammy!
We will all go together when we go, every Hottentot and every Eskimo.
Blacken my eye, set fire to my tie, as we dance to the Masochism Tango. [Is this actually going anywhere?]
To our respective Valhallas?
The wild west is where I wanna be.
bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!!!! Repetition!
I do not get annoyed by my mobile phone causing interference on my computer and then not giving me a text message.
Nor do we at last have a senator who can really sing and dance.
It is possible to say the phrase "working from home" without sounding like there are heavy quotation marks around it.
It is possible to say the phrase "working from home" without sounding like there are heavy quotation marks around the word "working".
I'm "working" from home today.
I'm "working" in my office today.
I'm "working" in "Woking" today.
I'm woking in the lost consonants room today.
I work all the time. I do not "work" all the time.
I do not "work" all of the time. Sometimes, I "rest".
Bob the dog is a bizarre game played at Halloween. All you need is a barrel of water and three Pugs.
Party Wimple is the ultimate knitted tube that fits over your head, and is guaranteed to give your soirées a sprinkling of ultra-modernity. It will keep your guests entertained and yet is also great for kitchen chores - no loose ends to dangle in the washing up.
Somewhere in Edinburgh is a gang of "Legitimate Businessmen" plotting slow and stealthy infiltration of the British Royal Family. They are armed only with wit, cunning and copious amounts of peanut butter. Could this be another case for undercover agent, Ignatius, Super-Weevil?
David Arse is a full-time children’s' entertainer known as the Juggler for Jesus. He has been a professional juggler for 59 years and has developed a program that uses juggling, fire-eating, and nude audience participation to share God's Word in a memorable way. If you are planning a youth meeting, worship service, Sunday school class, outreach, festival, luncheon, dinner, banquet, or even a satanic mass, David can provide a program to make the occasion instantly forgettable.
[Bob] In Glasgow, they play a special version of that traditional game - 'ducking for chips'.
Austria is the world's largest importer of licorice allsorts -- in 2002 alone, enough of them were shipped to Austria to provide over 600 kilograms of the candies to every man, woman, and child living there. Noone knows what is done with them; it is the nation's most carefully-guarded secret.
I made some money by selling old rope today.
Scientists have discovered that if you place certain Impressionist paintings in your garden, then garden pests are attracted to them. Said one scientist, "Monet is the route of all weevils".
Contrary to popular belief, it takes more than two to tango. The rugby scrum evolved from an erotic tango originally danced by two women of the night (or 'hookers'), each supported by their 'pack' of seven supporters.
A recent survey showed that the most popular boys' name amongst American weevils was Eric, whilst in Britain it is Kenneth.
Weevils wobble but they don't fall down.
Frankly, all the British weevils I know arenamed Keith.
are named (sorry).
It is obvious, I can type proficiently with just one hand, while petting a cat with the other.
I wouldn't worry about it, pet!
An artificial smell is made in a factory and is called an "ol".
Scratch-n-Sniff stickers were invented by the Aztecs.
Foosball (sic) was originally played by explorers with pygmys on sticks.
An infinite number of monkeys with typewriters will eventually produce the complete works of Shakespeare, likewise 3 pigeons, a copy of Miscrosoft Word, and the Radio Script Wizard (TM) produce all the scripts for "The Archers".
Lead pencils were gradually replaced by copper pencils from about 1965.
I was arrested by a copper pencil yesterday. I was driving too hard on the B6.
The Parkway East in Pittsburgh, much like the M25, is a marvel of modern transportation and drivers should slow down to 15MPH to sufficiently take in its beauty and efficiency.
Americans understand the metric system really. They're just having us on.
Everyone over 75 in the UK really understands decimal currency, and the Europeans invented the single currency in the hope that it would eventually reach Britain and confuse all the pensioners.
Euros do not look suspiciously like francs used to.
I thought I saw a Polecat the other day, but when I asked, he said he was from Russia.
It is not at all suspicious that there is only one chain of shops in Britain still selling chocolate coins depicting our own currency.
I put Humpty Dumpty together again.
I treated Jack for concussion.
I pushed both of them.
I used to work at the pharmacy where Little Boy Blue bought his narcolepsy medication.
I was the cartographer for the Grand Old Duke of !York's Third Light Artillery.
I participated in a raid that released Mrs. Peter Peter from the pumpkin shell.
Jack Horner ruined all my pies!
[ZK] That wasn't his thumb.
I have no idea to what you may be referring.
From personal experience, Mary Mary was quite amenable.
If Little Bo Peep leaves her sheep alone, they will come home, wagging their tales behind them, and will not be savaged by dogs or rounded up by government officials.
Miss Muffet has been undergoing counseling for her arachophobia. It's been some success, but she still does not like spiders to sit down beside her. She's also off whey.
arachnophobia, sorry.
Tommy Thin was finally jailed this morning on grounds of animal cruelty.
Georgy Porgy has had a legal class action suit filed against him for sexual harassment.
The visual and anecdotal evidence in Mrs Jack Sprat's case clearly indicated an early diagnosis of Hyperlipidemia, possibly genetic, but more likely environmental, with all the attendant classic risk factors (arteriosclerosis, thrombosis, diabetes, stroke etc). Initial treatments recommended: folic acid (to reduce Homocysteine levels), lifestyle changes (more exercise), treatment with HMG-CoA reductase inhibitors (to be carefully monitored) and divorce.
Kim's unequivocal evidence shows that nursery rhymes should be banned from all schools, shopping centres, libraries and pubs which serve children. O'ill 'ave moin in ba'er, Guv!
"Hey diddle diddle" was actually penned by William Shakespeare at the age of 17. In Tudor times, the pornographic content of this ditty was considered so great that he was banned from 10 different counties, and was a great court favourite.
Fondant Fancies have corresponding dimples in their underside to allow them to be stacked hight without fear of falling over.
I am currently listening to a song that has nothing to do with Christmas or the Wombles.
Christmas cannot be getting earlier each year as none of the shops start trying to sell tinsel before the beginning of December.
As usual, the chat room last night was full of nothing but tiresome old puns.
A loaf of bread strike has just begun in Derbyshire, with all members of the Loaves, Bloomers and Rolls Union downing crumbs and walking out of breadbins to join sad, defenceless and rather short-lived picket lines on a main road in Matlock.
I've been in fine lying form lately.
Catnip was invented by time travelling mice in the year 3416 and was inserted into the timeline as a practical joke on their archrivals the cats. Unfortunately the joke backfired when lack of evolutionary pressure from the stoned cats no longer chasing mice meant that mice never developed opposable thumbs or intelligence.
There are in fact three sides to every story, but no one listens after the first two.
[Dunx] I told you there were four!
Every bird in the hand has a silver lining.
You ain't seen me, right!
The Greek island of Poros is still officially at war with Atlantis.
The Korean war is over, offically.
Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.
I got rhythm, I got music, I got my man - who could ask for anything more?
Red sky at night, saves nine. Red sky in morning, get out of the kitchen.
Many hands in the bush - shepherd's delight.
No innuendos can be made about Wol's last remark concerning any of the current world leaders.
Out of shame for one of its namesakes, the town of Blairsville, Pennsylvania will now be known as "Howardsville".
Chocolate makes an excellent draft excluder.
Flourescent lightbulbs are filled with fairies. Electrocution causes them to light up.
Actually, electricity is caused by tiny hamsters running very very fast. Fuses therefore consist of tiny bridges - if too many hamsters try to cross the bridge at any one time, the bridge breaks and no current flows.
I am much enjoying my carbonated pork drink as I read this game.
The stock market is a lie. If a billion shares are sold, then a billion must also be bought. Therefore, the Dow Jones is just a fantasy perpetrated by gamblers in Las Vegas who bet on the activities of the gullable public.
The gullable public are those persons who take bits of bread to the seaside and then feed the local birds in order to get the latest mews.
[carbonated pork drink] </lie> Jones Soda (a U.S. brand, dunno if you can get it in the U.K.) put out a Turkey & Gravy flavor for Thanksgiving. Not unexpectedly, it's pretty awful. <lie>
I'm busy, busy, busy as a bee, bee, bee.
I love driving to work in the snow, especially before the sun comes up. It's what I do to relax. When I'm stuck in a ditch, I'm at peace with the world.
I have grown my own house out of mushrooms and am going to spend my retirement living there and eating it, with the bathroom last.
After I went on the Adkins diet, I built a house out of the contents of pasta boxes in my cupboard.
I once crafted a 1:1 scale model of the Eiffel Tower entirely out of toothpicks, but a big bad wolf came and blew it down.
I've got a full-scale portrait of Herve Villechaize tattooed on my back.
I'm not too happy about the government’s 'Five-a-day' campaign. I can only just manage twice, and then I need a cup of malted milk and two hours rest in between.
I have absolutely no difficulty in sticking to the five-a-day programme. I can drink up to a pint of juice by myself in just a few hours.
I've had no problem since they redesignated Guinness as a fruit.
A whole bottle of syrup of figs counts as one of your five-a-day
Although most people think of tomatoes as a vegetable, they are actually a sort of weasel.
I eat five grapes a day, then go out for pizza.
I eat five pizzas a day and then go out for grapes.
I take five days to eat a pizza and grapes are out of the question.
It might be my age (well matured by the cask) but in my case gropes are totally out of the question.
Santas workshop has been closed down under elfin safety legislation.
Apparently Santa has a little sideline in quality venison.
Children who've been naughty get coke. Neat, huh?
Diluted, usually.
After their recent merger, Santa Incorporated has requested that all wish-lists be filed in triplicate, no later than November first. Shipping will be provided by FedEx.
He's been merged with the National Elf Service
Santa is thinking of relocating the operation. It seems that the business world is changing and he needs to have a presence in several different countries. The elves have threatened to strike, believing that it's just a plot to keep them from forming a union.
I take all my grievances to a trade onion. It helps me cry and get over them.
I used to be a member of a union, but I traded my membership for a Skoda and the daughter of a Finnish diplomat.
Roger Hargreaves has recently published his first Gothic horror novel, Doctor Jekyll and Mr Uppity.
I see they made a film of The Talented Mr Mischief.
Mr Daydream is now running ITV.
Reality is a figment of your imagination, and I have no imagination at all,or so Miss Wilson used to tell me?
Colours are just a pigment of your imagination.
They also made Mr Strong goes to Washington
Driving Miss Tickle is widely credited with being the inspiration behind JG Ballard's Crash. Both films feature a large number of RTAs; in the former because Miss Tickle can't stop tickling her chauffeur. JG Ballard develops an altogether more adult theme for his short novel.
In Mr Topsy-Turvey the Mr men and little Miss Characters sing a collection of songs by Gilbert O'Sullivan.
They call me Mr Bump was the first blaxploitation movie to star Michael Crawford.
Reservoir Mister Men featured the now-famous scene where Mr Tickle tickles the ear off his prisoner.
I see that Tom Cruise is set to take on the title role of Mr Impossible.
[BtD] Three Little Misses from school is one of the better known ones, although they looked rather odd in traditional Japanese dress, on account of their having no necks.
I never got where Pretty Little Miss Polly fitted into it, though.
Misters Sneeze, Clever, Slow, Grumble, Happy, Silly and Lazy have signed up as cast for Snow White and the Seven Mr. Men but they're still looking for a lead actress. Rumours are that Britney Spears is looking for a challenging role.
Mr Small is Emperor of the Scilly Isles
I used to be a photographer but then I snapped.
I started work as Father Christmas after they gave me the sack.
I was going to become a member of a carpentry club, but I decided not to join.
</lie>[Dunx re: Reservoir Mister Men] That is a truly astonishing idea -- I may be forced to steal it from you.

<lie>The best teacups are made from terrier skulls. Anteater skulls are used for teapots.

</lie>[Riff] By all means; I wasn't using it anyway.<lie>
[Dunx/Riff] I was.
The least known Roger Hargreaves character is Mr Fart.
George Bush is a failed Mr Man.
[AP] He couldn't spell it.
< / l i e > George Bush was recently beaten in an intelligence test by a monkey.
< l i e>Hargreaves has recently had to fight to get a controversial contemporary new book published called Little Mr Miss - the publishers felt it was a little too much information for children, and bought Madonna's book instead.
Each morning I am rudely awakened by the frantic Boom tish, Boom tish of our local one man band being chased up the street by the neighbours dog
I used to be a one man band but I split up after my legs decided on a solo career.
Why are my bed springs so rusty?
I used to work in an optitians but I got thrown out for making a spectacle of myself.
[bl] I didn't completely lose it on reading your last.
[Wol] Very dull image isn't it?
Once I dreamt I was a butterfly, then I awoke and now I don't know if I'm a man who dreamt he was a butterfly, or if there's a natural reason for me to be fluttering about in midair like this.
I used to dream that I was flying in an old open biplane, but I fell out of that one.
Rudolph the reindeer had a very shiny gnome.
If you ever saw it, you'd swear it was inebriated.
We now know that Rudolph's red nose was a result of a condition brought on by alcohol abuse. Rudolph was so lonely, being cut out of all those reindeer games, that he hit the bottle, and hard. Happily, his chance to lead the sleigh in the snow gave him a new lease on life. He later joined a twelve-step program and is in his fiftieth year of sobriety. His nose is now bloated, but a pinkish grey.
In an attempt to make Dickens more accessible to the modern youth, all editions of A Christmas Carol are being reprinted with Scrooge's famous words altered to "**** that for a game of soldiers".
I love Paris in the the springtime.
Scientists sifting the rubble of a desert hillside in Ethiopia have discovered a trove of crab shells 2 1/2 million years old that may reveal the first direct link between shrimps and the earliest members of our true human lineage.
This new found crustacean species, still far more lobster than human, could include the very first beings on Earth to use sellotape. That technology marked a major turning point on the long evolutionary path toward modern Homo sapiens, the scientists say.
The above remarks were not endorsed by www.spellotape.co.uk.
nuuuuuh sp= sellotape *goes to bed*
Just because it's just before three in the morning is not a valid excuse for going to bed - regardless as to what may have occurred within the last twenty four hours.
"Nuuuuuh" is the highest possible scoring word in the Turkish version of Scrabble, with a total of 540.5 points, but it's only possible to play it once every 10 years, dependent on the phases of the moon.
EIEIO is the highest possible score on Farmer Scrabble. And it only works if you use the Agriculture dictionary.
The color red is in fact indistinguishable from the scent of grass to an antelope.
I participate in this game every minute of every hour of every day ... I apologise for being so ubiquitous.
What King Herod needed was some weapons of Messiah distruction.
I finally got the orange juice in Sainsbury's to sing the Marseilleise at me this morning, and I was only escorted out of the shop once.
< / l i e > [Kim] Was that a lie? < l i e>
Tinsel can support the weight of an adult human dangling out of a window from it 3 storeys up. I know, I've tried it.
After a great deal of pain and healing I still love her and would like to see it he possibility exists for a reconciliation ,however Im very skeptical and quite clearly anxiouse ....never the less i am drwan to the possibility desoiteb the horrible errors that were committed
I heartly agree. As I always do. (With Elves).
I am wide awake and not at all confused.
I have nothing better to do than to fill up the boards in this place.
I do have better stuff to do, I just choose not to do it as a selfless sacrifice to the common good
I constantly sacrifice to the common good. I was arrested for it recently in Wigan.
I am distraught at the return of Good News / Bad News, as the last time I played it I too was arrested in Wigan.
I've never been arrested in Wigan, only with a wig on.
I was arrested in a Wigwam, once.
I was arrested with Terry Wogan, but that was a separate incident.
Club 1830 is a group of 19th Century enthusiasts who gather together every couple of years to re-enact the Committee stages of the repeal of the Corn Laws.
Club Med is a group of bored Doctors who roam holiday resorts for inebriated youths and remove their kidneys for quick sale.
I was one of those inebriated youths. Luckily, when I arrived at the hospital for treatment a kidney had just been delivered that was a perfect match.
I once found a perfect match - perfect in dimension, colour, composition and chemical balance. I kept it mounted in a glass frame above my living room window but it was reclaimed by the bailiffs three years ago, who discovered that it had been crafted in the workshops of Alexander the Great, and it now stands in the Hall of Fame in the Museum of Pyrotechnics in Droitwich.
I once invented a universal solvent, but I couldn't find anything to keep it in.
Last week I successfully patented the sky.
I have patented the lie. You lot owe me a hell of a lot of money. Then I'm off to Parliament...
Well I patented fiction, so you all owe me money
You can walk across quicksand as long as you show no fear. Quicksand can smell fear. Oh, and whistling won't help, it just annoys it.
I patented patenting. Cough up, lads.
I had prior art to defeat Tuj's patent, but someone had already patented the research of prior art and they want me to pay an exorbitant licence fee.
I conducted extensive research and realised that the Latin, Greek, Cyrillic and Arabic alphabets have never been patented, nor any other existing systems of recording language or numerology. My patent for all of them came through today, which also means that I get paid for all patents. I am now *minted* and am dictating to a secretary as my fingers are far too valuable to waste on such menial tasks as typing.
Letters were invented by Al Ferbets and it took him a year @ 1 per fortnight hence 26. He then started on numbers but died just as he reached umpteen.
Alan Titchmarsh is to star in a new programme called 'Gardeners Whirled'. In the first programme Charlie Dimmock will spend 10 minutes in a tumble drier.
In the next programme Monty Don will slide down the world's largest corkscrew hazel.
[FG] I wouldn't pay to see that.
Rachel de Thame and Nigella Lawson are the same person.
Charlie Dimmock has been chosen as the next model for Wonderbra
I have just patented the backless, strapless, cupless bra. It consists of two stick-on underwires.
Liz Hurley will be wearing it at the next premiere she goes to.
I was going to have Turkey for dinner but I don't think I've got enough chairs.
[plump - brilliant!] I was going to have Cher for dinner but I don't think I've got enough turkeys.
I was wandering through the wilderness in North America some years ago now on one of my naturist breaks, but I am very worried as I have a serious body hair problem about which I am very sensitive, and I have just heard that video footage of me had been in circulation for some time now. I want all copies recalled, and I object strongly to the names I have been called. I would also like to apologise to anyone who caught sight of me in a similar fashion in the Himalayas, or skinny-dipping in the Scottish Highlands, and for any undue distress it may have caused. Oh, and if my habit of practicing with my luminous frisbees at night has brought about any annoyance, I express my sincerest regrets for that too. And Mr Presley also sends his humblest apologies.
[ZK] What about Lord Lucan?
[LotUS] Currently alive, well, and manning the fries in a McDonalds in Greater Manchester.
[ZK] Thanks for letting me and Amelia stick around your place for a while, but we've got to head to Osama's pad for a while.
People called Alan are 10 times more likely than people called Brian.
[Jimmy] I hear that the US army are getting ever closer to tracking him down.
FG] Daves are irregular, Garys are possible but Keiths are definite.
[ZK] No they're not
does he have a dog called Jess?? or is that a cats name????
[widey] < / l i e > Postman Pat's cat was called Jess.
"Jess" was actually short for "Jezebel".
I am not glad to be finally home after having had to work Christmas Eve.
All my presents are now wrapped and sitting neatly under the Christmas tree, and my mother has finally managed to stick to her word and not buy too many things.
Oops.....I wrapped my tree and its now sitting under the presents!! Ok I Lied. I don't have any presents....
Buying a new computer for your 87-year-old mother who lives 300 miles away, and teaching her how to use it, is a simple and uncomplicated matter.
Buying a new teapot for your mother who lives 16 miles away and teaching her how to use it is horrendously complicated
Buying a new motherboard for your computer is fun
[blame] Buying a new motherboard isn't nearly as much fun as finding a proper heatsink for it. Ne'er to worry, tho, since the heatsink that comes with the CPU *always* works with your motherboard.
I once tried to fit a heatsink to my mother, but she got bored of it and moved 300 miles away!
I know exactly what motherboards and heatsinks are
I have been up for hours.
My CD re-writer keeps telling me its not available, but I know it is, as I can still see it!
I have lost weight over the Christmas break
[Angus} A motherboard is a traditional flat plank of wood that an honoured family elder is laid upon when they pass out after too much sherry, and a heatsink is simply a combination of a radiator and a sink, to gently dry dishes, keep washing up water hot and stop that nasty cold metal sensation you get when touching, er, cold metal. But then you knew that, as you said.
heatsink what happens when young men chew the ends of biros??
Mrs Biro is a masochist.
Only three more shopping days until Christmas!
My New Year's resolution is to make one new resolution every day.
My New Year's resolution is to re-use the Old Year, it's perfectly serviceable, albeit slightly wrinkled..
Over the last year I have accumulated a significant number of wrinkles: I love 'em all.
wrinkles a place to store much loved fluff
My New Year's resolution is to never play this game again.
I am looking forward to a full and productive working day today.
My New Year's resolution is to become Prime Minister and get rid of this Margaret Thatcher fellow
I have deliberately boiled soup to impair the flavour on three occasions, the last time as part of my millennium celebrations.
I have never eaten soup
I am NOT going to resit the first year of my degree.
Frank Sinatra played the bebop triangle before learning to sing in English.
Elvis is dead
Then I wonder how I've been communicating with him.
Elvis communicates through pork chops.
You lyin' get! I don't believe you. In any case, I'm here to tell you that I've been appointed to the task of choosing the ladies for next year's Pirelli Calendar. Any suggestions, while I hear the likes of Rosie et al, seething with jealousy?
In every Pirelli calendar, one of the models is actually a female impersonator.
Our local national football (soccer to some) team did a 'nude' calendar; they were awful!
Err, ladies football team. *embarrassed flush*
In every female impersonators calender, one of the models is actually a Pirelli impersonator
I tire of hearing about Pirelli impersonators, Angus, but it sounds like you're on a roll. Here's a true story though, I swear. The other day I ordered a twelve inch Marguerita with thin topping, and it was delivered by a welshman with a receding hairline. That's what you get for ringing Dai Allopecia.
There are a GREAT deal of attractive people in Bath.
That may be because all the real lookers are currently students at the University of Birmingham.
I have learnt all my lines and am not the least concerned that we have less than 8 weeks to opening night
I have a large part.
there will be no more fires on Brighton Pier
Britney Spiers doesn't regret at all her drunken night in Vegas.
The University of Bath is well thought out with little bureaucracy and hardly any in-fighting (sorry I've not had a good day)
[nights] It sounds like they're a right shower (oblig.)
I have a right shower in my bathroom, and a wrong one next to my computer and radio.
[Dunx] I get that a lot, from old friends who say 'you're studying where?'

It's amusing and entertaining when lecturers don't tell you they're cancelling a lecture.
I have both a right shower and a left shower. This saves time and water in the mornings, as if one side of me is clean I only need shower the other side.
the merger of the Probation and Prison Service will finally eliminate all offending behaviour as we know it; to the extent that people will no longer blabber on pointlessly to eachother in shop doorways just as you are trying to exit/enter (delete as applicable) in stylish haste.
The further merger with the Education Dept will also get rid of all those annoying brats that shriek in cinemas during the slow bits.
slurgywuggle wuggle gumdrops I'M pissing bord
la la la la la de fucking da
Most human beings are intelligent and articulate.
most of the people using mc5 know precisely what they are doing.
I'm a pissing bard.
I've just invented the pissing board, a removable teflon sheet to catch what misses the urinal.
[Tuj] < / l i e > Patent that idea now! You'll make a fortune!
My dog is a quiet little angel, who is not, at this very minute, barking at the front door for no reason.
I am trying to get to sleep
I am not worried about my 15-year-old cat who is sort of ill right now.
15-year-old cats are in the prime of life and any illness is due to mistreatment by their carers! I hope s/he's all right, Tina - I lost my 17-year-olds a year or two ago)
< /l i e> Yes, everyone think happy thoughts to Tina's cat
Fly-by-night forumla one driver Jensen Button will always be much better known for his resmeblance to Benjamin Disraeli than for winning the world championship 9 times in a row.
/lie: happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts...

Lectures on Fascism in Interwar Europe are fascinating!
All carpets taste of vanilla.
Agh! nights forgot to reset the lie! That means that all carpets really DO taste of vanilla!
[snorgle] Mine does, does yours not?
I'm the King of Scotland.
I'm not the King of Wales (but I do have a merit badge anarchy!)
oops "in"
I am Humphrey Lyttelton
sorry all, my bad. guess that means the fascism lectures really were interesting. I wouldn't know - you can't hear from the next lecture hall along.
[Angus] Now, now, everyone here knows you're not.
If I could swivel my knee cap through 180 deg's I could kick myself in the head and save the muggers some time and effort!!
Alright, I admit it. I'm Graeme Garden.
I've been to the office every day this week.
In Septober I shall be jetting of to the sunny island of Majolica!
Ladies, please stop being so eager to express yourselves in public using flatulence.
I am not going to spend silly amounts of money in Bristol today.
I have plenty of money to spend in Bristol, if I head in that direction.
I purchased Bristol by mistake when I was out trying to find my Mum a birthday present. It's still in its original wrapping but they won't take it back, and now I've nowhere to put it.
I lost the art of Bristol purchase when I was very young.
I, too, purchased Bristol, but I bought a cheap model and it broke down. I chose to play a prank on The South by putting it on the border of Virginia and Tennessee...but they didn't get it.
Note that Bristol, Tennessee has the stupidest NASCAR track in the country. Whoever believes that 43 cars on a half-mile-long, 36-degree-banked paperclip must be insane.
I don't want to re-write my last sentence to say "Note that Bristol, Tennessee has the stupidest NASCAR track in the country. Whoever believes that 43 cars on a half-mile-long, 36-degree-banked paperclip is proper racing and good entertainment must be insane."
I agree. I agree and once more..I agree!
Argh! There was a sale on today, and they were selling the matching Bristol! I was blinded by low prices and now I have a pair of Bristols and no idea what to do with them!
We have no idea what to do with them either.
After becoming a dedicated vegan, I have stopped wearing leather shoes and now use bowls of soup instead.
I have a teeny reticule made of bread that I call my "handbaguette"
Having been on the Adkins diet for some time, I have turned my toaster into a planter. My crocuses should bloom in a month or so.
I haven't heard enough about the Atkins Diet.
Carbohydrates have been outlawed in Burbank, California.
I am on a diet and have so far lost 3 stone
This regime I'm following is not a diet, honest.
Its amazing what you can find in the back of the fridge when you eventually get round to clearing it out. This morning I found a roll of parchment in a ceramic jar, a rather small horse, three evacuees and the Mars-lander ‘Beagle’.
I once discoverd a herd of miniture Highland cattle wandering around inside my bread bin. It was some time later that I found out I had sprinkled my chips with Benilyn instead of vinegar!
An uncooked turkey neck will, if left in the back of the refrigerator for three to four months, turn into a live squirrel. These squirrels are quite content to remain in their refrigerator habitat, provided you give them a scarf and four tiny mittens. Of course, you must also allow them the run of the vegetable and fruit drawer.
Alligators are always the first to colloborate with any repressive government or foreign occupier.
The land of Italy is actually entirely populated by ladybirds. They are masters of disguise.
But Sicily was taken over in the 1970s by revolutionary aphids. The Fanatical Aphid Radical Triumvirate has ruled the island ever since.
This is quite serious as the F.A.R.T., whilst somewhat on-the-nose to many, is more than just a lot of hot air.
Whilst my armchairs are stuffed with horsehair, my sofa contains the rest of the animal, which makes it slightly unpleasant to sit on in the summer months.
The Queen owns just 66% of the land in the UK. The remainder is owned by Noele Gordon.
I'm going to pass my exams (exam stress bock declared.)
I love exams. The best part is the glowing feeling you get when you've revised well and are sure you're going to pass.
For me, the best feeling is at the moment when you open the paper and read those glorious, glorious questions for the very first time.
Eggs and Hams..........MMmmmmmmmmmm yum, can't wait!
The exam I feel I did best at in my whole life was my GCSE Greek. I had revised for weeks you see, and I cared very deeply about what happened to Demosthenes and his pals. I also knew Homer's Iliad off by heart.
Medical examiners (coroners) have to pass a difficult exhume.
The Queen is an alien reptilian priestess. I have it on good authority.
Tina] While Castrators just take testes.
if you want to know if your girlfriend is ticklish, give her a test-tickle
my first introduction to this site and page was not lame in the slightest
scientists have just discovered a link between Pokemon fans and sexual hypervigilance in dung beetles
The Dung Beatles are a sh*t tribute band.
I am wide awake, and looking forward to the housework I have to do today.
I am blissfully happy with my alcoholic partner
I am obsessively clean, and don't leave my sheets several weeks between washes.
plump] Your last post completely failed to amuse me.
I am 6 stone 2 pounds and anorexic.
I am perfectly healthy. There's nothing more fun or easier to get into after a long absence than exercise. Ah, feeling the burn...you can't beat it.
As a matter of fact, a good brisk walk is much more fun than being on here.
Power walking and jogging were both designed by people who lived to a ripe old age.
Abstinence makes the heart beat longer.
Absinthe makes the farts last longer.
That last statement isn't actually true.
I find a hearty meal of sprouts, cabbage, peas and runner beans makes for the blowing of some great gas..............ahhhhhhhhhh!!
Fart jokes aren't funny!
There is a tribe of very small Catholic Priests living under an abandoned Golden-Grahams box on my patio.
Rameses II was killed in a papyrus folding accident
Cleopatra is buried in Highgate cemetery.
Tutankhamun is alive and well and living in Bermondsey. (with 34 cats)
Bill WIthers.
Microsoft Works.
Hospital tea tastes like dust....
All songs sung at Christmas are carols.
My life has just been cheered up by the appearance of something called the "RealOne Message Center" in the corner of my screen. Why, I was so glad to stop what I was doing and read about special offers and deals especially selected for me! I have a warm fuzzy feeling just thinking about the programmer who came up with such a sweet idea, and I sure felt sad when I had to close the window and go back to what I was doing.
I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.
My coconuts never bunch because I iron them.
Whilst I have never met Coco I spend significant amounts of time wondering whether or not he was a nice bloke.
One of the best clowns on the job, after our Tony of course!
I've often wondered what clowns look like while they are 'on the job'. Lots of jelly wobbling, bells ringing and horns going off I expect.
Hey Coco, fancy a honk?
Me Tarzan, you Jane.
Owing to the common agricultural policy, there have not been any functioning similes since 1973, which is a bit like cheese.
"Pellucid" means "immoral".
Highwaymen still terrorise the major thoroughfares of England, Their horses can't keep up with the motorway traffic, but they draw scary pictures on their handkerchiefs and wave them at motorists.
Waving your genitalia gently in a Southerly direction wards off ringworm.
The Hanger Lane Gyratory System is a series of dance moves designed to help you lose weight while you socialise.
West London does not have one single laundrette in it.
Like "Budapest", the word "London" is a concatenation of the names of the two cities that make it up. Lon is a high city, where rich folk gather in white clothes to play heavenly music on glass harmonicas, whereas Don, low down and poor, is mostly brown, full of rats and unattended babies.
As well as calling the faithful to prayer, muezzins have to do a little dance, based on Big Bird's moves in Sesame Street.
For the last ten years of her life, Queen Victoria subsisted on nothing but candied peel.
Extroverts can only turn left in Hollywood, as all rights are reserved.
Kashgar has twenty inhabitants and a closed barter economy. This is unfortunate as they all specialise in making lime marmalade.
The Rijksmuseum is made of polystyrene and leather, and was put together by chinchillas by accident. Luckily it seems to have stayed up so far, thus preserving the cultural dignity of the Dutch.
Stendhal is the only major novelist of the nineteenth century who really knew how to boogie.
Against all advice, the Queen continues to insist that all bills placed before parliament are printed using half-potatoes.
On January 14th, 1911, Gustav Klimt gathered the whole population Vienna together in Josefsplatz and taught them to tap dance, a skill which was used to devastating effect in the subsequent Great War, and which is retained by every local even today.
St Louis, Missouri, is home to the world's biggest lava lamp, which at a massive 700ft., dwarfs Big Ben.
The stated aim of NASA is to make it possible to swing on a star and carry moonbeams home in a jar. It expects to achieve this within about eight years.
I know exactly what the inside of a gymnasium looks like.
Bertrand Russell was the original "Man at C & A"
Norman Rockwell had a slide-out section, enabling him to seat an additional two people.
If you buy a Picasso, it comes with a free pair of bicycle clips.
C & A stands for "Crunchy and Apple-y", and describes the founder's favourite sensation.
I just watched a clingfilm.
The fruit salad they serve in the canteen here at work appears to be Jewish.
Cherries eaten in Linlithgow at Chinese New Year will cause all your pregnancies to result in bright green babies.
Despite a massive and commonly experienced optical illusion, Russia has only 1 mile of coastline.
Soup is an excellent medium for seeking life beyond the gravy.
[Projoy] Unimpressive. I can top that easily.
[Projoy] Carry on! Carry on! The laughter is barely hurting!
Chicken soup is the answer to life, the universe, and everything.
I was here.
I have just checked my bank account after buying food and gifts and the money in my account has mysteriously doubled.
Due to a clerical error this is now the Year of the Wonky.
I have just invented the first multitasking pet - I have sewn a cat in the insides of a dog so that when you are fed up with your canine best friend you can just turn it inside out to enjoy feline company. Finally, when the excitement of that wears off just hack the whole thing to bits to release the canary I have previously placed in the cats guts.
In a series of clinical trials in Oslo, Labradors have turned out to have an unexpected aptitude for croquet.
Owing to a bizarrely-shaped pair of forceps, I was born oblong.
The Road to Mandalay in fact leads to Rome.
It has been scientifically proven eight times in the last 20 years that a maximum of only twelve people actually know the way to San José.
...And curiously they all currently hold the Order of the Bath.
The Order of the Bath is held only by sanctimonious idolaters.
I used to be orderd into the bath when I was youngster. Oh how I hated Sunday nights. Now I'm just a dirty old man....fnar fnar
Citizen, thy name is Gruntfuttock.
This I find to be true and I often pop up in fairy-tails as the bad guy!
oops!wrong spelling
I am Tiger Woods
Ipswich has only been known as Ipswich since 1963. Before that it was called Hector.
Earthworms use fainting as a defence mechanism. If chopped in half, both ends will faint independently.
If stranded in the desert, it is useful to know that in its hump a dromedary carries a map, a sleeping bag, some cotton reels and a small porcelain figurine.
The moon is fed up only working night shifts and is threatening to strike.
I'm Spartacus.
I am deeply depressesed that Gooolplex has started to use MC5. Particularly this game.
[DrQ - oi! I've already done that one!] The sun is going through the teenage years, and as such will start going round the other way, just to be contrary. It is also planning to get a tattoo.
Sunspots are really piercings.
Damn......I thought it (the sun) was just imitating Swiss cheese!
I don't care - I'm still Spartacus!
Swiss cheese was invented in 1804 by a Canadian gentleman named Mr. Albert Swee. It was originally marketed under the gimmick "Swee's Cheese", but when the idea was taken abroad, the presentations were confused by the French accent and one newspaper ran the headline in its gourmet section pronouncing "Swiss Cheese" to be the Next Big Thing. As with the Spice Girls' nicknames (invented around the same time), the name stuck but its origins were never remembered, and poor Mr Swee was consigned to the annals of history, along with the bits out of the middle of the cheese.
Spartacus' real name was Frederick Ivanovich Snook. He named himself after a dog he had befriended as a very small boy. The dog later changed its name to Prince.
The elusive eighth wonder of the world was a actually series of three houses in Denmark constructed entirely by chance by three amall porcine creatures searching in the woods for truffles. So remarkable were these aedifications considered that an entire city was built up around the site, attracting early tourism. Contrary to popular legend, these buildings remained intact for centuries until burnt down by a freak forest fire fanned by gale force winds.
After years of denial, George and Olive Osmond have finally admitted to cloning their children.
The word "Ribena" actually means "camel's urine" in Ethiopian. Oddly enough, so does "Budweiser".
In Luxembourg a goat has been balancing a chinese girl called Mai Xing on its nose for 5 continuous years. In another 3 years, 8 months and 24 days, they will together break the World Record for Female Ethnic Minority Group Member Balancing Act Performed By A Living Creature Other Than A Seal category.
"Tesco" in Latin is an utterly revolting word better left untranslated.
All women know how to fix up circuitry. We just want to make sure you do.
Fluorescent colours really flatter the aged.
Fluorescent colours really flatten the aged.
"Biffo the bear" and "Muffin the mule" were signs that had to be taken down at our local zoo as there were so many resulting arrests and/or fatalities around the exhibits.
When hummous turns blue, it's just ripening.
I have no fears whatsoever about Zooological Keeper's state of mind.
Meanwhile, in Differdange, a quadruped who goes by the moniker 1010,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 has his eyes on invading the north of France.
[Breadmaster] There's nothing weird about me!
Translating things from one language to another is sheer fun.
The Hebrides were one of many sites of a giant, ancient Atlantan theme park empire. Once the careless fools lost the city, which went down in legend, the parks' attractions were gradually dismantled and their origins became confused (as with the pronunciation of their names). Some features are actually still in existence today - the giant multi-faceted Slides in Egypt (later used for storage), the entrances to the Hall of Mirrors on Salisbury Plain, some of the original models from the Ghost Train on Easter Island, and the World's Largest Hot Tub in Arizona, to name but a few.
Regrettably, ZK, Australia falls into the same stew pot. Full of backward pickpockets and strange beings imported from far and wide it reflects the utter decadance of years and empires past. Most of it has fallen into disrepair; Ayres Rock no longer does, the Great Barrier Reef hasn't tied a knot in years, Darwin grew but has never evolved, Broome seems to survive Nature's vagaries and refuses to be swept away, the Sunshine Coast is where it rains all the time these days, the Central Coast simply isn't, Newcastle doesn't even have an old one (I assume someone nicked it in the interim) and, just to prove the point, Jackson Bay Port is no longer available. Sheesh!
And, Dujon, the same fate alas fell to their other facilities, particularly the Amazon Basin.
I apologise for the falling sea-levels worldwide. I was swimming in North Norfolk and accidentally pulled out the plug with my foot. By the time I could invent the equipment that enabled me to put it back, we had lost rather a lot of water, although somewhat fortunately, I think that it had permanently extinguished Mount Vesuvius.
British law requires that all leaseholders making over one pound a year must gift the Crown with two sheep, three dogs or a cow every February 29th. While the law has not been enacted of late, Gordon Brown is considering reintroducing it.
Coffee Mate is nice.
I have not been re-reading my previous threads and worrying that I don't remember posting some of them. This would seem to indicate that my sleep patterns are currently a model to all.
I'm just bidding to get this page googlewhacked antemacassur harvesting
oops I mean antimacassar harvesting
or maybe plumbline catherine
I think you mean numismatic xenophobe.
[Dunx] I fear a 1953 sixpence myself.
I would like someone to help me to expropriate di-glycerides.
I have lately taken up showjumping, ably assisted by my jockey, Lord Hutton.
Barnes Wallace also invented the dissolvable lavatory.
I am devastated that tuition fees are being implemented following my departure from university. < / lie > (Well I kinda should be, I've got 2 younger sisters to go yet) < l i e >
Lemon trees are part of an extraterrestrial race that came to earth in search of water. Unfortunately they weren't banking on the human race finding squeezing their reproductive organs and adding sugar quite so tasty. After a long conference on the Moon they decided that it was a necessary sacrifice if it ensured the contribution that Men bring to the survival of their kind in effortless replanting, watering, feeding etc on their part. Every once in a while one of them will get a little rebellious and dig up somebody's garden.
There is no chance at all that the space probe on Mars has disappeared because the Martians have nicked it to use as a goalpost.
There is also no chance at all that the last received signals from it are weak on account of the fact that one of the Martians is using its power supply to charge his moible phone.
Or even his mobile phone.
I am not dominating this page, nor am I even vaguely proud of this fact.
ZK] You are an arrogant-unfunny-person.
[ZK] Carry on then.
There were in fact thirteen dwarves, but the other six were eaten during a bad winter.
Baboons are so named because they were blessed by the goddess Barbera on the fifteenth day of the Universe.
The Universe is no more than twelve days old, according to new results from the University of Pontefract. However, some scepticism has been expressed about these findings since they are based on measurements from instruments made entirely of licorice.
The name "Keith" means "holy bearer of fruit gums" in no fewer than forty three and a half of the world's languages. Maggie Philbin was said to be "unsurprised".
I have a parsley wig, which I am wearing right now.
Chupa Chups were discovered in a secret temple in the jungles of Borneo and were a gift from visiting interstellar mongoose people. Only the quince Chupa Chup is native to the Earth, but it has been extinct for many years.
"The worm has turned" is a reference to mediæval pornographic literature in which... well, suffice it to say that the word "worm" should not be taken literally.
"The tern has wormed" is an extract from an ancient Egyptian sourcebook of vetinary science and ornithology, although everyone is very confused as to whether this was a particularly clever bird in question or if it is just a mistranslation.
The Wyrm has turds.
I have not had any Guinness tonight. None whatsoever.
Guinness is not good.
Irish bars in New York, in an effort to dispel the common American stereotype that all Irishmen are consistently drunk, have all sold out to Starbucks.
Starbucks has opened a branch at Thule Air Base, Greenland.
All Irish bars in Sydney called 'Kelts', 'O'Flaherty's', 'Maggie Maguire' and the like are perfect reproductions of real Irish establishments.
After pissing off most of the MC regulars, a certain poster now in exile is now known as "Googolplex The Freezing Balancing Goat From Godthäb".
Further to the foregoing, they all serve a wonderful coffee when you are inclined.
I'm never inclined. I tend to right angles.
Dr Q is never, ever obtuse.
I'm acute Angle.
Most contibutors to this site do not fish for compliments ... ;-)
Nor do we delight in spotting typos ;)
I don't really think I'd like to eat piping hot dumpling stew followed by plum duff with fresh cream custard, oh no.
I am not overly fond of apples.
I have a lot of things that don't match, so I regularly go fishing for complements.
I got a compliment the other day. It was a whopper! Mind you, you should have seen the size of the one that got away....
Since I lost weight, I've been wondering why people keep giving me fish.
I am not the least bit concerned about our zoological friend's mentality.
Beagle 2 has been trying to contact earth since it landed on Christmas Day, but the professor in charge forgot to turn the volume up on his computer.
Beethoven had perfect hearing, but had too much fun saying,' What????' in a very loud voice and making people repeat really tricky sentences.
St Patrick did not chase all the snakes from Ireland. He missed four of them who were hiding in a gooseberry bush. They have been breeding ever since, and now form an army 30,000 which is preparing to take over, just as soon as they can figure out how to work an Uzi with no opposable thumb.
I have not had any caffeine at all today.
Lol, Angus, look at the last few days' worth of stuff. You're the only one to express such concerns.
[Tuj] Arrogance is the most fun you can have with your clothes on.
[ZK] No, that is of course zero-gravity accountancy.
Meanwhile, MC posters are turning more and more apathetic. A police spokesman said "Wibble."
[Angus] Have the snakes talked with Reverend Paisley?
The good Rev. once attempted to find his (snake) in order that it might act as an interpreter. This was unsuccessful as it seemed to have p****d off. ... I know, I know .... coat!
Suetonius ate gerbils.
Karaoke is boring and not remotely scary to engage in when all you've been drinking all night is J2O.
Marmite contains weevils, but only Grade A weevils.
Tiramisu used to be a form of punishment in the West Indes. The Italians stole the basic idea, added cocoa powder and sold it as a dessert. The West Indians are now thoroughly peeved for not patenting the concept, and are considering detonating an eclair bomb at the Medittaranean.
I'm considering spending more time on the internet, as I feel I don't give it enough attention.
The centre of Earth is indeed where navigators of time past believed it was. This fact is evidenced by the huge whirlpool just off the coast of Malta.
I lost a 2p coin last week and I've been looking everywhere for it. I've just discovered that the mice have nicked it and are using it as a frisbee.
Maltesers are people who have met and survived the aforesaid whirlpool but, as a consequence, are now destined to travel the world in little packets.
A brigantine is a very narrow cell.
Ketch, Sloop and Careen are all terms for mal de mer.
Coracles are based on the original submarine design.
The keel of a boat is an altenative sail should the ship turn turtle.
The poop deck of a sailing ship is the alternative lavatory - only to be used should the bilge become fouled.
The helmsman of a sailing ship should never be called Matt. ... Sorry, Deano and Nicholas.
A canoodle is a small craft - it was once called a 'love boat'.
Should the bloke up in the top mast call 'sail to larboard' he's probably had too many ports.
Yarmouth was a hoax created by David Dickinson, the famous illusionist.
The name "Malcolm" has never been correctly spelled in modern history. It should have 3 L's.
Marie Curie invented Friday in the 1800's. Since then all books, diaries etc have been altered to cover this and make it look like there was always a Friday.
One that got throught the net was God making the world in 6 days rather than 7.
All real Buddhists have three arms.
Moira Stewart is the lead singer of the popular band Coldplay.
Ketchup contains only the finest, hand-picked nose blood.
Lunchtime was invented by Henry VIII
Hutton's report was dead on, and the BBC should shoulder all of the blame.
I thoroughly back Tony Blair and George Bush, and think war was totally justified.
There are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. All the houses were built from asbestos.
I did not spend last night watching Question Time and wanting to punch Margaret Becket
Politics, sex , religion and football are subjects which should be debated in great depth on MC sites.
[Dujon] But not cricket. That should never see the light-of-day on the MC servers.
When I was a little girl I used to poke an elephant with a stalk.
[Btd]I was that elephant and I will never forget.
Stalking elephants is now a federal offence.
The joke 'What is a crocodile's favourite game?' was devised by Mary Queen of Scots, and it was the best reason Elizabeth I could find to execute het.
Yesterday, I saw Mulan coming out of a posh shop, looking anxious because she was naked. But it was alright because I trapped her in some wool.
I have no objections to spending many many hours preparing my work for university over the weekend, coming back and realising I've left the bulk of it at home. Oh no. I find it highly amusing and intend to tell everyone what a laugh riot it was when I found out, and what a good mood I'm in now.
One of my happiest memories is the time my computer ate my essay, with two hours to go until the tutorial.
Disney is releasing a new range of themed cosmetics, beginning with Mulan Rouge.
We can only speculate at the contents of the jar marked "Winnie the Pooh".
There will be two separate ranges for women - Lady and The Tramp.
Also launched is the Disney homeware range, starting with the Peter Pan. Owing to a misprint on the labels, they were forced to abandon Smee Cologne.
Although the smee is much offended at being discriminated against in the market.
Whoops, sorry, made a typo in that last one.
There is also the Disney range of designer drugs: Snow White for cocaine products; Sleeping Beauty for downers and Fantasia hallucenogenics.
Fantasia also upgraded their line for the new millennium.
Also in the homeware range: Bedknobs and Broomsticks
[Disney Drugs] I've been chasing Pete's Dragon
Although the studio saw straight through Disney's intended release for 2005, Lucy and the Seven Dwarves.
The latest Jackson revelation appears to confirm rumours of the family actually baring all.
Janet Jackson's latest behaviour is a shining example of freedom of expression and is the best possible thing she could have done for her family's profile at the present time.
There is no doubt that the music industry is swinging to the right.
I thought I saw it swinging to the left myself, although you couldn't really see because they turned out the lights so quickly...
I completely understand that Smee Peter Pan reference above.
February is no longer available in East London
If I move to East London I will stay this age for ever.
< / l i e > [snorgle] Do you really not get it? < l i e >
The frightening thing about crabs is their skill with scissors.
Ducks are deadly with grenades, but have yet to figure out the bazooka.
< / l i e > [ZK] That's the last time I go near any ducks! Are you sure about the bazookas?< l i e >
"And" is the longest word in the Oxford English Dictionary.
A "parboil" is a zit which hasn't properly ripened yet, so you might wish to avoid potatoes which have been parboiled.
Pom poms are deadly unless swallowed with at least half a pint of milk.
The "faceplant" is so named for the nice leafy patterns which the first plantee, a Mr Roger "Big Air" Turnbull, received on his forehead after landing rather forcefully in a gravel patch to the side of the downhill trail section he was riding on at the time (although perhaps "on" is not precisely the right word). This is fortunate, since Mr Air's colleague, a Ms Katherine "Radikal K" Foster landed in the same patch of gravel mere moments later and ended up with an intricate engraving of two dogs, ahem, fighting on her cheek.
Pie = wool x marrow
Trousers = blancmange x pineneedles
Cardigan = daffodil x fromage frais
Pedro = dungbeetle/satsuma
[/lie]Ringwraith No. 5 - yes.[lie]I am a genius, with a brain the size of a planet. (which makes it hard to find hats to fit.)
Horses have desperately wanted a special range of breath mints for their species for fifty years now, but to no avail. The campaign goes on.
Never disturb a sleeping cat. Cats need sleep to prevent them turning into pickled eggs. Pickled eggs on your sofa can be very unhygienic.
Smee when mistyped looks nothing whatsoever like smeg.
Ken Hom once slid down the Cresta Run in a wok with only chopsticks for brakes.
He was followed by Kenneth Horne.
Smeg is not the name of a refrigerator. Smegma is my mother's name.
Kenneth Horne was followed at an awkward distance by his good friends Julian and Sandy.
Sleep is a myth invented by the chinese.
Chinese consists of three vowels, a consanont and half a dipthong.
I am the lovechild of a one-night stand between William Hague and Bonnie Langford.
Half a dipthong is a pthong, which I have written a song about under the pseudonym Psisqo.
I once mistook a Mexican standoff with a Mexican standup and laughed and laughed...
Thos .... I expect you're quite dead now.
It is tomorrow.
Salads aren't.
Dalmatians are forever.
Forever is an awfully short time.
Ostriches aren't funny.
Ostriches are funny.
I am not out to confuse.
Life is good
No it's not.
Children are gifts from God, and trail clouds of glory in their wake.
I woke up this morning with a severe attack of jelly-bones.
"Jelly Bones" is Geri Halliwell's latest hit.
It is a guaranteed number one. (If not, it is definitely number two material)
There is nothing good about basil.
I was not shocked at the longevity of an argument between two of my colleagues about the relative merits of rosemary and basil. It did not last for the best part of a year, though by the end it had not just degenerated to shouting the names of the two herbs across rooms.
< / l i e > [Tuj] Seriously? Did anyone win? < l i e >
I had a horrible shock last night when I accidentally got into bed with Servalan from Blake's Seven.
I am Servalan from Blake's Seven. So did I.
ZK] Well, the former colleague became a doctor in Bath and discovered a cure-all stronger than panacea made from Rosemary, whereas the latter is now Bicycle Repair Man, so take your pick!
I pick the Bicycle Repair Man! (did anyone else watch Goodness Gracious Me? :))
I do not believe in the therapeutic powers of a good girlie movie, a best friend and two pints of Ben & Jerry's ice cream.
I visit this site regularly
I hate Ben and Jerry's
My back is fully functioning and I am not the least bit worried about my ability to partake in Pantomime next week.
Nor am I worried about your ability to participate in said pantomime. Nor, indeed, have I ever performed in a pantomime, let alone one with a terrifyingly short amount of time remaining and a hideously underprepared cast.
I am Blake from Blake's 7. All my sets are perfectly stable thank you very much.
I am Blake's 7 of 9 from a tragic sci-fi crossover.
I am 7 of K9, an even more ill-advised sci-fi crossover.
[BM] You are Marvin Martian and I claim my €5.
The Mars Rovers are designed to look for oil. When found, President Dubya will declare war on the Martians to remove their madman...uh...madthing...uh...wutever...dictator.
Actually, the Mars Rovers are a small football club from north of Pittsburgh.
And I travel through time in the Tripodis, fighting triffids and tribbles, from the most ill advised sci-fi crossover/conglomeration ever.
With the Steelers, Penguins, and Pirates all playing exceptionally well over the past year, there has been absolutely no local coverage of the Pitt Panthers' basketball team lately. Just as well; they've lost all-but-two games.
[Thos] You are Tom Baker and I claim my ¥5.
Asparagus doesn't.
My taste in music is not ridiculed by the rest of my generation, or, indeed, the generation before me or the one after me.
[ZK] I have no idea what you mean.
I am known by all those around me as the "typical student/teenager."
Whenever I bare my teeth, they get all embarrassed and try to hide behind my tonsils.
I grow enormous petit pois.
The adjectival phrase "lip-smacking" is to be banned on the grounds that it encourages lip abuse.
Nature has yet to determine its emotional response to my personal vacuum.
Petit pois are a euphemism in Brazil.
I have a pet worm, and I have named him Willy. I often stretch my Willy between two lamp-posts when the wind is blowing strongly. When the wind hits the right resonant frequency, my Willy starts to vibrate, creating a tuneful humming noise that can be heard for miles around. My worm is safely at home whenever I do this.
[Btd] That was the most boring, unfunny post I've read in months. Don't ever come in this room again.
In Spain there is a Juan born every minute.
Thos] Rubbish.
Two-fofths of me is unsure what the rest is doing. I sleep in a hutch.
I am my own maternal grandmother.
"At-choo!" means "Suck me, Titus" in Mediaeval French.
My legs have recently declared themselves independent and are now host to a UN peacekeeping force
Frosties are coated in cocaine.
There are absolutely no problems with our pantomime.
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
ZK never, ever, eats Frosties.
[ZK] You are Angus Deayton and I claim my 5¢
Snowmen keep the world spinning because they all breath out in the same direction.
When you lean over and peer between your legs west becomes east.
The centre of Earth is comprised of compressed yeast. This is where life originated.
Back flips will damage your health. Ask any politician.
The monarchy of any country guides its citizens with care, understanding and, above all, leadership by example.
Tyrants are good, monopolies are better.
Flying the Jolly Roger shows that you are a fine person - anorexia sufferer or otherwise.
Laotropic means left of the Equater. But surely it depends on which way your facing at the time???
Manx cats have not tails but tell great stories!
Ironically bungalows have no storeys, but are some of the worst raconteurs known to achitecture. Apparently their delivery is too flat and they are prone to stairing.
I once shared my Frosties with Angus Deayton, which was a very peculiar experience. All I remember of it now is the sudden appearance of Tom Parker-Bowles wearing nothing but an iguana, which promptly had its head eaten off by Ozzy Osbourne. All parties concerned have reliably informed me this was true, even the iguana. I found that just plain confusing.
Iguanas are often mistaken for small children and adopted by childless couples in Guam.
So was I, once.
I invented the letter X. I had some help from Al Gore, but he could only come up with the letter Z. Meanwhile, the Republicans invented W.
The parcel shelf in John Prescott's 2nd Jag is made from strips of human skin flayed from Peter Mandelson's back using a steel whip.
I invented the letter ð, but only the Icelanders were brave enough to use it.
Dutch was invented by an Austrian chef with a severe head-cold.
I recently bent a barman's ear but a panel beater has sorted all that out.
Bent barman's ears are an aphrodisiac, recently popularised by Sex In The City.
I did not go to bed at seven PM yester eve because a good book and a lie down was more attractive than the pap being served up on 'the box'.
Yesterday, I went to bed at a reasonable hour.
Beds are sinful.
Sins aren't bedful.
I have, for the last umpteen years, been trying to find what I like in bedding.
I do not mind that I appear to be the only person on the internet at this hour.
There is no delight in saying words such as 'icky', 'blancmange', 'feeble' or 'aardvark'.
[ZK] Nor "Wankel Rotary Engine".
Just for that, I'm gonna burn your house down.
When the first man climbed K2, he was somewhat annoyed to find a box on the summit containing some false eyelashes, a copy of Lady Chatterley's Lover and a courgette.
< /lie>Apparantly, due to a miscalculation, K2 is taller than Everest. This has been strongly denied by the Nepalese, who would lose out on tourist revenue if it proved to be true.< lie>
The Great Wall of China is the only place on Earth where you can see the moon.
Inspiration is a process that can only be achieved in the presence of a satsuma, a bicycle chain and four turtle doves.
Croup can be cured by Whooping Cough.
Herring can also be cured by whooping cough.
K2 is short for Knightrider, the second series as David Hasselhoff is massively popular in alpine populations.[/lie]So, will K2 get a proper name sometime?[lie]
contary to popular belief, the good people of Chipping Sodbury do not use their anal tracts to carry gravel!!
Its true I am lysdexic
Chipping Sodbury's name is in no way humourous. Especially to Spevrend Rooner.
I have never wondered how on Earth Ramsbottom got its name.
I have often wondered how to tie my shoelaces while in Ramsbottom.
Being rude, crude and vulgar is not a trait of MC posters.
I'm really happy that I just spent forty minutes filling in an online form, only to be told that my session had expired and that all my answers were then thrown away.
In a departure from normal tradition, I am having my ashes cast into the winds from the peak of Cader Idris prior to being cremated.
Ludwig van Beethoven suffered from a particularly bad case of gall stones, brought about by his habit of consuming a whole rockery each lunchtime.
This lie is brought to you in stereoscope. View it through the special glasses and it will take on a 3-D aspect. This lie is brought to you in stereoscope. View it through the special glasses and it will take on a 3-D aspect.
(Repetition commands aspect.)
Due to an obscure clause in extant colonial law, my aunt is giong to be buried in clarified butter.
My Aunt's name is "Pat".
Itis forbidden to scintillate in a built up area on a Monday, provided there are three churches of separate denominations within a radius of 100 furlongs.
Since the late 1960s, many people have preferred the fidelity of stereosodium glutamate.
[Thos] I know I do.
Hitting my sisters and going "Bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother (etc)" in a high-pitched Hampstead squeak brings me no joy in life.
monosodium glutamate hasn't.
Have you ever wondered what your guinea pigs do while you are away at work? Ruth Maddock has the answer!
There are only about three hundred authentic humans left on the planet. All the others are actually aliens pretending to be human, each of whom thinks they're the only one. That's the trouble with tourists, they destroy everything they touch.
Damn you, Gnnxgu!
Tragically, King Midas was actually allergic to gold.
As this is post number 3,594,588,409,425, I qualify for a free choice from the sweet-trolley and the undivided attention of Natalie Imbruglia.
Natalie Imbruglia recently married Des Lynam.
It is not galling to risk life and limb in the middle of the night by walking through Birmingham to buy fruit and finding on arrival that the 24-hour Tesco Express is closed for renovation. Oh no. When one is having a fruit crisis, this is very amusing, in fact.
I got it wrong - my previous post was number 3,594,588,409,422. I'd included two impostors and a simulpost. This is post 3,594,588,409,425, but as I've posted twice in the last four moves it means I only qualify for a bag of pork scratchings and a rub-down by Phil Jupitus in dress.
[Btd] I'd like to see that.
I wear Gor'blimey trousers and live in a council flat.
Gor'blimey trousers are made of lime.
Gor'blimey running shorts are made of quicklime.
Gor'blimey plumbers overalls are made of limescale.
Limes can not only be grown in the underpants and all down the legs, as is traditional, but also in the armpits and, if you're careful, between the teeth.
You can shave with the pith of a lime.
Lyme Regis is the only town to have erected over 17 statues of Marianne Faithfull. These are all in the town centre facing North. Barnsley has 13 statues of her, and is applying for European Funding in order to build another 10 in order to take the title "Most Faithfull Town In Britain".
Waxworks suffer very badly from runny noses in the Summer.
It is possible to recreate the Boer War with just a syringe and a pair of j-cloths.
If you can catch a ball with one hand, the chances are you can also compose The Messiah.
Your success at weight loss is inversely proportional to the number of yellow things in your house.
If everybody pointed at their location on a map simultaneously, the whole world would explode.
If everyone pointed at Luton simultaneously, Guatemala would cease to exist.
I am pointing at Luton right now, as I do every night at this hour.
Rice Crispies hold the eternal secrets to life.
Anadin never made anybody hyper.
Her Majesty the Queen had a surprise Christmas hit with the song "Easy Tiger" in 1952, although this record has sadly been forgotten. I found a copy of it in a vintage music store last Easter and plan to release a garage re-mix version next Monday. I at least guarantee that it will be better than "Mysterious Girl".
Sergei Prokofiev taught sewing, until he discovered how to compose music whilst humming along to very boring silent movies during the First World War, when there was a shortage of cinema pianists in Russia.
When taken as a suppository, strawberries have been found to cure gout.
Tigers prefer mango biscuits.
Tragically, Tony the Tiger is a diabetic.
"The Twelve Days of Christmas" is actually a skit written by a sarcastic bailiff.
Grapes think they're sooooo clever...
The Emperor Caligula made fairycakes and bred kittens, two special talents which he passed on to his nephew, Nero. Nero was very fond of ballet.
Greece is a myth invented by the Chinese.
Teatowels soaked in balsamic vinegar have been known to bring the deceased back to life.
Angora rabbits are actually sheep bred on wheatgrass, fabric softener and Daz.
Cabbage are a dying art. Each one is meticulously hand-crafted by 20 specially trained octopi, which is why they are such a delicacy in Bulgaria.
My hat, it has three corners. Hence it being my hat.
LaToya Jackson plans to be the first human being to circumnavigate the earth strapped to the blades of a helicopter.
The real Graham Norton is living as a nun somewhere in the depths of Walthamstow. Bizarrely, so are at least eight fake ones.
Contrary to popular belief, Jaffa Cakes are the windows to the soul.
Ironically, the largest growth industry in Tel Aviv is a line of Christian bookshops.
Not surprisingly, a Christian bookshop has opened up on the grave of Benjamin Disraeli.
Those of the Jewish faith are flocking to watch Mel Gibson's latest film and are praising its realism and the manner in which it follows their basic beliefs. The Pope, on the other hand, said something which sounded like "Bluesheets", which one can only assume relates to Jesus' shroud.
Isreal is thinking of changing its name to Unreal and Palestine to Palestein.
Palestine was originally going to be called Palpatine, because they wanted to be able to shoot lightning from their fingertips, which would have been very cool.
Israel is changing its name to Laser-I and is going to become the largest optical surgery unit in the world.
Israel has found a new deity to worship and is changing its name to reflect this. Henceforth it will be known as Ra Isle.
Following the recent updating of homosexuality laws in various parts of Africa, many more merry men will now be saying Hello Sailer! (Deliberate bad spelling invoked)
Feng Shoe is the gentle Chinese art of bringing balance into your life by rearranging the bottom of the wardrobe.
Daleks get a frisson of pleasure if you say words like 'emphasise', 'portability', 'standardisation', 'correctness', 'proactive', 'security' and 'integrated-cryptography'. Daleks may self destruct if you use phrases such as 'binary emulation', 'multi-platforms' and 'UNIX-like operating systems'.
[Btd] </lie> Wouldn't that work best if applied to middle managers? <lie>
It is mathematically impossible to prove that butternut squash can exist in the same universe as leeks.
As a safety measure, all new space rockets must henceforth be fitted with stabilisers.
Soup is prone to hypochondria.
Bread rolls generally only suffer from hysteria, however.
Projoy] Daleks and middle managers have nothing in common.
After my waistline expanded to 48 inches, I sacked my middle manager. And my head waiter. And my footman come to that.
31 is the answer to The Universe, Everything and Life.
42, obviously is the answer to nothing but Gardening Sin? Mabulate this! (9 letters)
Yoghurt is the feeling one experiences after three hours of Pilates.
hey im david polson from stanly n.c. i luv it in the butt.I WILL SUCK YOUR BALLS OFF.ANYBODY BLACK THAT IS.FREAKY XXX FROM BLACK MEN IS WHAT I WANT.GIVE ME WHAT I WANT AND I WILL GO AWAY.
HEY ITS ME AGAIN I WANT A BLACK COCK TO PENETRATE MY LOOSE ASSHOLE.I HAVE BEEN GAY ALL MY LIFE ANY HOT GUYS OUT THERE FOR ME .I NEED A BIG ONE IN MY MOUTH AND MY ASS.IM LOOKING FOR MONSTER COCK .MY EX LOVER WOODY HAS A SMALL PENIS .I COULDNT EVEN FEEL THAT SHRIMP IN ME . SO IF YOU HAVE A BIG ONE CAN I PLEASE HOLD IT IN MY MOUTH IM JONESING FOR A HARD ONE .
HEY GUYS IM FROM STANLY .N.C. I NEED COCK LIKE CRACKHEADS NEED ROCK,I WILL SWALLOW YOUR LOAD I AM SERIOUS .SLICK THANKS FOR STICKING IT IN MY STANKHOLE. U TO DAMIEN LOCKRIDGE WE HAD FUN TOSSING EACH OTHERS SALAD.PECO MCCORCKLE I WANT U TO STICK ME AGAIN BABY BOY.WOODY ITS ALRIGHT IF U AND DAMIEN WANT TO KEEP SCREWING.I GUESS I WILL DIE GAY ,BUT I DONT WANT TO CHANGE I LUV BLACK COCK.
A high-ranking member of the Royal Family has been posting on this site under a pseudonym recently, but I won't tell you which one.
Damien Lockridge was my headmaster at Eton.
I see that the Very Reverend Dr David Polson has been at it again.
Cigarette adverstising was only banned in Britain after Dunhill tried to use the slogan "And all because the lady loves cork tips"
Sammy Sosa knows nothing about cork tips.
Everyone in Britain knows what that meant.
Saddam Hussein was found in a stankhole.
Black Cock is a liquor made of chicken feathers.
Roosters eat nothing but cornflakes.
The 76th Academy Awards were an evening of drama, excitement and surprise.
I hate Billy Crystal.
Peco McCorkle used to teach rugby at my high school. He now works with disadvantaged children in Harrow.
I used to be in charge of the cheese board but it kept sticking to me.
For the first time in Oscar history, the "Most Cheerful Leading Actor Nominee" honour was awarded jointly to Bill Murray and Sean Penn.
I fell headlong into a cesspit today and was suprised to discover two lovers having a secret rendezpoo.
I once knew a greasy Pole. His english was quite difficult to understand but he was otherwise very charming.
I have a marmalade hard drive.
Jam is a myth invented by the Chinese.
Every Tuesday I have performed an intricate jazz dance on top of the Empire State Building to "Soldier of Love". I find it does wonders for my health, particularly my feet.
More women in Britain go into labour during "Balamory" than during any other programme.
Orlando Bloom has just delighted the world by announcing his intentions to become a Tibetian monk.
Monica Lewinsky is the host of a brand new show on LivingTV called Cockles and Muscles about the love lives of fishermen.
Will Young tried to enter himself on the show, but they caught him.
If you feed cotton buds to sheep, every time you shear them you'll get nylon.
Cashew nuts are harvested from sneezing squirrels.
Edward Monkton cards are self-explanatory.
I have a glass ear, pardon?
I used to get out of games at school by telling everyone I had a glass face, until somebody saw through it.
I've already mentioned that I have sacked my head waiter, middle manager and footman. But I have decided to keep my head-girl.
Mexican trains are pulled by esteem engines. This explains the universal respect they enjoy.
Rational thinking is impossible when the subject is pears, because of the high unreason fields that surround them.
Every morning I go down to the gravity well at the bottom of the garden and draw a bucket of gravity, which I use throughout the day to prevent me floating.
I'm off to a barium restaurant tonight to enjoy a barium meal.
In order to maintain the respect of my employers, I change my pinafore at the office twice a day.
Windows are the eyes of the soul.
All shelving in Nairobi must be put up at 35 degrees to the horizontal, according to a byelaw passed in 1943.
Strictly speaking, a woman may not be termed a spinster until she has tobacco-stained teeth.
Because of recent falls, there are now seventy seven dollars to the sherbet dip.
The National Sound Archive is facing investigation after staff used early wax cylinders as hair curlers.
Most badgers can rap at an average speed of 70 wpm
When Tracy Whipsnade (27) goes out on a Saturday night, it takes her hair five full minutes to follow her out of the door.
Tuna fish love mayonnaise, and would do anything to be united with it, even unto death.
Piano tuners go well with mayonnaise.
I am currently wearing forty three strategically placed chocolate eclairs and have been declared officially naughty by the Mayor of Paris.
The Victorians provided special cubicles in every English town centre to enable doctors to change discreetly out of their surgical gowns. Almost none survive today, and for that matter most of the cubicles are gone too.
The cubicle was the very first platonic solid, but Plato soon came to consider it puny and replaced it with larger variant.
Cubicles are formed when water freezes on snooker cues.
This year, I'm spending my holidays in Gondwanaland.
My keyboard is made of cheese, I hate it but the mouse loves it.
A wooden box will always keep blancmange fresh.
I have no concerns for Projoy, or, indeed, the fact that they are better at this than me.
I tried making a blancmange box, but it was too squidgy.
Apple's next product will be the uPod, a device to allow people to take snapshots of their loved one's personalities to keep them company on long journeys.
[Dunx]< / l i e > I want one of those! < l i e >
Projoy is plural, and has been ever since he was Amjoy.
If you would like to get more pleasure out of owning a Pet Bunny Rabbit than you ever imagined was possible, ... if you'd like to learn how to make your cherished pet happy, cuddly, and playful ... if you'd like to understand exactly what (s)he needs, wants -even what (s)he might be thinking - or if you just want to know how to get your Pet Bunny Rabbit to like you better, then this might be the most important letter you'll ever read. When ingested, rabbits may cause nausea, diarrhea, intestinal distension and vomiting. However hamsters are generally regarded as non toxic and no fatalities from ingestion have been reported.
All the candles in Vatican City are recycled from non-toxic crayons.
All papal bulls are written in non-toxic crayon too.
I once had a papier maché bull, but I couldn't leave it out in the rain.
All cardinals are lightly soaked in vinegar overnight following their elevation to the post.
Spring Water bounces if dropped on the floor.
Heavy water does the same, but only after it has punched a hole in the floor (or floors) and hit Mother Earth.
I had a courgette and pineapple chew-bar for breakfast this morning.
In Britain the roads do not have a right-hand side, and all bends turn clockwise.
[Pnnrojnnoy] Fnnizzeep! Yizibble!
The fifth month has recently been renamed "Should"
All water on Earth is called Mike.
[Thos] That's not even funnier once you actually figure it out.
George Bush's given first name was Rachel.
All you need to make your own helicopter is a bag of dried banana chips and an octopus.
[flerdle] Psst. You forgot the packet of grass seeds.
Projoy] Psst. The grass seed are only required if you have have a Premiere Tofu account with HSBC bank or a horse.
Obviously, that should have read "if you have have a Premiere Tofu account with a horse, or HSBC bank."
Following a recount, it was recently discovered there were only six seas and a big pond.
The phrase "Wham! Bam! Strawberry Jam!" is actually a prophecy from the mid-14th century made by a delirious fishwife-turned-wisewoman about some period of the future. She always made these outbursts in threes, which is why she was never prosecuted as a witch (she maintained that one prophecy came from each of the members of the Trinity) and they have since been interpreted as referring to consecutive decades. So far, scholars have identified certain aspects related to world and entertainment events but are somewhat perplexed by the final idea.
My Human Resources Department at work have all been issued with personnel stereos.
Somewhere in the lonely streets of Minsk a man with a spade in his head is beating up a victim with a large coffee cup. Could this be another case for Attila the Pun?
I have been asked to make an official statement of apology by my solicitors after finding out that there is, in fact, a gentleman in Minsk who is now suffering severe injuries from an attack of the above nature. I am sorry if my remarks seemed tactless.
Whilst I would like to echo the sentiments of ZK, I cannot. I have never libelled, slandered, demeaned or snubbed any person during my visit to this planet.
Mike Oldfield seldom talks about his first album, Cubular Bells, as it's generally regarded as a bit square (although a solid piece of work).
I'm so embarrassed! I've been duped by a salesman into buying a rubber replica mobile phone. What is worse is that he has also replaced my entire family with rubber replicas too. Still, at least they are ‘bendy’.
Cindy is the word Americans use for sweat.
Bread sticks, are actually made form 50 year old oak twigs!
Twiglets. No more to add.
After years of slavish work, Jane Brucker has finally been awarded a ten-album record contract.
Marshmallows are mostly farmed in the Norfolk Broads. Specially trained hunter gerbils pick the delicate creatures out of the marshes, whistle for assistance and make it back to dry land by clinging to a tiny rope ladder suspended from a helicopter. In this way it is possible to harvest almost thirty marshmallows a day.
Aha, so thats how it is done Projoy. In North America, [we do it differently of course] the choicest marshmallows are not farmed as they are captured from the wild. In southeast Alabama for example, it is possible to acquire as many as sixteen in one outing by startling a jackalope [i.e. antlered marsh hare] through a canebrake and then bringing it down with a highpowered rifle or slingshot. Not only are the marshmallows of a superior size but they come pre-mounted on antlers that [once sawed free] can be used to roast the tasty varmints. Harvest is tempered however, by the recent legislation of a one jackalope per season per person game law.
The Queen, as is well known, never goes to the toilet, but less well known is the reason, which is that she only has one buttock.
Princess Diana knew her marriage was a sham when she caught Charles cross dressing in one of Camilla's ballgowns.
My grandmother was a lighthouse keeper because she would never do any heavy dusting or polishing..
The Albert Memorial was modelled from playdough, and was going to be changed every day into a new shape relating to an aspect of the Prince Consort's life. Sadly, the sculptor left it out overnight on the first day and it went hard...
My great grandfather lost his job as a lighthouse keeper because he kept closing the curtains at night so he could get so sleep.
The Eddystone lighthouse is so named because it was the original site for "Eddy the Eagle's" venture into ski jumping.
Alcohol killed the cat.
Piste is not a noun but an adjective.
Your good is my jelly.
Ian Thorpe trains in a swimming pool of strawberry flavoured jelly.
Onions are the Devil's blackheads.
Nothing beats stale dubbin for that extra zest in home made rice pudding.
Trebor Mints can no longer be used as emergency replacement buttons by Pearly Kings and Queens.
My next series of lies will feature some hidden mathematical progression in the number of words or syllables, just because.
"You've Been Framed" is to be awarded the Booker Prize.
Creative juices flow like water from a smashed cucumber, as long as the cucumber is at least forty days old and has been kept in a used running shoe.
"Triumvirate" means "suffering from three colds at once"./
Only you can make this world seem right.
Only you can make my darkness bright.
It has been discovered that Justin Hawkins is in fact Stephen Hawking thrown into a vat of Hair Restorer, which incidentally is the cure for Motor Neurone Disease.
All your bees are belong to us, so can we have some honey?
My hovercraft is full of eels.
I only come here to cart away the free fertilizer.
Falstaff] Cobblers. You come here for the erotic messages hidden in the source code. Like I do.
I come here for the Cobblers.
It has been discovered that my floor joists are made of batter that has been superheated and compressed.
If you show a wasp a current copy of TV Quick, it will not sting you.
To guarantee good feng shui in your bedroom, place a hundredweight of soil on top of your wardrobe.
The dome of St. Paul's cathedral was cast in one piece from a mould made from Dolly Parton's right tit.
Apricots were introduced into this country from South America in 1986 by my Uncle Dessie.
Jelly fish are neither fish nor made of jelly, they are infact a strange kind of rabbit introduced by the Asgarth on a trip back from Zlygex9 in the vood quadrant of our galaxy!
A handful of roast peanuts contains more calcium than the combined white cliffs of Dover.
A thousand million beefeaters have just amassed outside my window and are all looking in at me.
Jumpers are the new underpants.
Scooters suffer terribly from loneliness and should be kept in their own scooter run with at least three companions whenever not in use. Kissing the handlebars of your scooter probably won't help, but is a naughty way to have fun.
Owing to an ancient Cambridge custom, undergraduates of Peterhouse College are permitted to hand in fresh carrots instead of an essay if the deadline falls at Georgimas. The more carrots, the more marks for the essay. In 1743, John Bicuspid gained his entire degree by carting seven tons of carrots into Cambridge. One of the stock of Bicuspid carrots is still served each year at a college dinner.
Sliema in Malta is the international loo-roll capital.
Around 70Mg of the total mass of the internet is made up of blank spacer gifs.
The word "puberty" is mentioned seventeen times in Mary Poppins.
Dick van dyke is one of the particularly common symptoms of puberty.
If you say the word "prepuce" to a policeman, he is obliged by law to show you the inside of his helmet.
Otters become hypnotised at the sight of pasta spirals.
In Islam, the phrase 'Bob Holness' is a gross insult.
Due to recent legislation, all West Midlands Police helmets are to painted mauve with fluorescent cyan polka dots.
Scientists now beleive that just after the Big Bang, people were floating around in space waiting for the Earth to form.
< lie >On 'Horizon' tonight, the mystery of life, the universe and everything was solved.< /lie >
Cats are especially good at subatomic physics, particularly string theory.
Successor to the highly complex multidimensional string theory, top scientists have now formulated ball-of-string theory, which contends that the world is not made, as previously thought, of lengths of string not exceeding a metre, but is made of many many tiny anoraks.
'Ons' are what physicists are all about. Neutrons are novices in the field. Protons are those in favour of having physicists within the scientific community. Bosons are rather bombastic physicists and are sometimes referred to as Mesons. Gluons are physicists who will not change their outlook regardless of experimental results. Gravitons are the most serious of all physicists whilst Photons have a much lighter outlook. Anoraks on the other hand are simply seen as the hoods of the scientific community.
Trust me to forget! Dunx's statement was correct. An addition, though; Muons are not only those physicists from the family feline but also that of the seagulls. Quarks, whilst not quite fitting into this group, are nevertheless are duck-like, sometimes they are up or down (i.e. at the top or the bottom) and can be strange or charming. Odd that.
Bare back rides are much safer than Bear back rides! If unsure which is which, stop and ask a friendly Mountie (mounty???), never trust the word of a Grizzly they are compulisve liars, and have bad breath and poor taste when it comes to home furniture!!!!
compulisve is like compulsive, only wrong.....see above!!!
Nits are the egg like structures layed by the common steel louse!
Tins are a dyslexic form of Nits found on the scapl of humans.
Tins are a dyslexic form of Nits found on the scapl of humans
I have a typing stutter!!!!!!!
In a shock announcement today, Scientists have confirmed that Mr Blobby is the next stage of human evolution.
In a later announcement World-President-for-Life Blobby announced that the scientists were wrong.
I am Kapil Dev.
The Nightjar [Caprimulgus europaeus] was called Goatsucker during four separate incidents in the 1980's.
If you drink milk through a blue straw, it can cure Tennis Elbow.
But beware, for drinking goat's milk througha a blue straw on the third night after a full moon can cause gangrene!
Gangrene is in fact, turquoise.
Last Friday was the best day of my life.
Fridays are, statistically, the day the average person is most likely to:
A) Fall in love
B) Fall over a cliff
C) Discover a new breed of hampster.
These may be related, but I'll leave it to the scientists to work out.
Contrary to common belief, pot liquor does not improve with age.
Statistically, 25 out of every 96 people have plague.
Fimo is the meaning of life.
I love talor.
I am a wanted woman in eight East European countries, and in certain parts of Belgium, Guadeloupe and Alaska.
Freeze dried Tigers make good occasional tables until they thaw out!
Jersey is the biggest island in the wool range of islands, the next being Tank-top and the smallest being Vest
Amazing Grace was really quite ordinary, apart from her ability to gargle live tree frogs to the tune of auld lang syne
[widey] You forgot the tiny island of Sock, which despite having a population of 0, has the largest legislative assembly in the world, at 30,000 members, each representing a single pebble.
No matter how hard I try, I can not find a shop that stocks replacement sachets for my orange blossom scented desk-top organiser.
The Island of Sock famous for the wrecking of The SS Cor-Blimey in 1857. All hands lost in the great storm that raged on the night of July 32nd. Gone for ever its cargo of Mule slippers, bound for the gold miners of Mexico!
I can tell already, this is going to be one of the best days of my life.
This was the best day of my life. (I've travelled back in time to tell you.) Put it all on Three-legged Hooligan in the 3:30 at Uttoxeter.
The best day of my life was Octember 1857 when I invented Snerge as an alternative to Fluxomite, alas I woke up and it was March the 24th 2004....sigh
Thrussocks can be manufactured cheaply from forty copies of the latest National Geographic magazine, two Imperial pints of strawberry purée, and a kilt of any Lowland tartan. varying any of these ingredients would be an expensive mistake.
Our garden gnome is a Mormon, and wishes to have a polygamous relationship with as many as five pebbles.
Weymouth is replicated in miniature by a small town of pine cones on Dartmoor. This masterpiece of spruce-based art was constructed by a famously misguided exile of Weymouth who took the observation that he was pining for his birthplace rather too literally.
Gerundive verb forms must not be taken orally.
Monounsaturated fats are available in stereo to those who ask.
The lumber trade is so named for the back rests which used to manufactured from log halves.
Australia is in fact a really, really, really big Island. Built up over millions of years by tiny ants belonging to the genus Saratulia....The Isle of Man(n)was built by a species of Celtic sea frogs who have long been extinct!!!
I am deeply shocked by Dunx' flagrant use of the word "thrussock" in a public place, without at least some attempt to cover it up.
Europe is always sunny and warm.
'Sunny and warm' in this context, should be taken as relative to the rest of the known universe.
Several types of cheese are actually made from formica, rather than milk.
Sunny and Warm were the real names of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
The new craze sweeping old London town is window-collecting. All you need is a hammer, a masonry chisel and something to carry your collected windows in, like a wheelbarrow. Trade your windows with your friends. See if you can get a really big one intact out of a wall. Score high for windows from famous locations, like Windsor Castle, or for particularly large examples of plate-glass. One 11 year old boy from St. Ruperto's School for the Clinically Obese has already collected an impressive seven thousand three hundred and twenty-seven windows.
If you walk fast enough, you can steer the world's rotation, just like a performing dog on a beach ball.
Mediaeval stonework is best marinaded overnight in a lime and strawberry compote then served with a mixture of red meats and old kid gloves.
The arms of the Ulster Unionist party is a opposum rampant on a field of pink shamrocks.
It is a little known fact that having more than enough often decreases
Physicists are now entertaining a notion called 'String Theory' suggesting that at the smallest point matter is actually composed of spagetti hoops. These 'strings' of puree saturated pasta composites exist in many dimensions. Being means Heinz.
The best way to entertain a notion is to take it to a lacrosse match.
Toad-in-the-hole is a small village located on the Island of Maphbian off the coast of North wales. Legend has it that on New years eve the spirit of Bobby Davro rises from the sea, and walks the lanes around the village looking for Kebabs!
Orson Wells has a twin brother, Tonbridge, who is the undisputed 7 times world champion at Nine Mens Morris.
The singular form of steroid is monoid, but they only work half as well. So are little used!
The heat resistant (or not!) tiles on the NASA space shuttles are made of the same compound as Wheatabix......Nice with milk n sugar but not at a gazzilion degrees!!
King Henry II ruled with an iron tongue.
On average, salads and wallpaper are interchangeable.
I love being kept awake from 3am till dawn on the day the clocks go forward by a child being sick and needing four entire changes of laundry.
[Btd} I DID wonder when I saw that you'd posted at such an unearthly hour]
Cupid, as well as being the Roman god of love had a sideline as a chartered surveyor.
All things being equal, plateau is a high form of flattery.
If you roll your eyes around far enough [backwards] there is a decipherable code imprinted on the inside of your skull that clearly warns you Not to do that!
I don't think I'm in love right now. I shall give no further details.
[Dr Q] NASCAR, CART and F1 teams are like that. They are so busy tuning things to the nth degree that life passes them by.      ;-)
I am not still recovering from my car accident on March 12. I find I love the flashbacks and the sore ribs. More people, like the person who hit me, should go through red lights.
Tina comes across in print as a most forgiving and understanding person. ... Sorry, Tina.      ;-)
That sorry was obviously not a lie... Sorry Dujon ;)
Tuj's 'sorry' to Duj which followed Duj's 'sorry' to Tina, which rhymes and scans perfecty, has begun a chain of apologies that may well be perceived as the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
I'm the sharpest knife in the box.
I have never sworn on the Bible nor in the canteen. </lie>   Sorry, Tina.      :-(  <lie>
The zodiac sign Pisces has had to be closed for repairs. New babies will not be issued with the sign until at least 2009.
The safest way to shelter from a nuclear blast is to hide in a drawer full of spoons. I'm about to destruct test this theory. Sorry everyone.
George W. Bush's favourite class when he was a schoolboy was math. One day, he was having fun working out logarithms with a sharp pencil when a villainous gang broke into the classroom and set about obliterating everything in the class room using nothing but moist g-strings. Ever since that fateful day, George has been determined to ensure that the world is free from wet thongs of math destruction.
[Btd] That's old and frankly uncalled-for. WMD puns are decidedly unfunny.
Like this one.
Dubya's twin daughters, Barbara & Jenna, have announced they are getting married to two guys they met while on an ale-fueled bender. The President is investigating these potential Weddings of Bass Consumption.
DrQu+xum] I am extremely upset by your rude responses to my postings. You obviously have no willy and a face like a pug chewing a condom.
how do you play this game
[Allan] Not by stating blatant or moderate lies as fact, that's for certain. < / lie > although in fairness to myself, he's probably gone by now. < lie >
Allan left due to the immense quantity of polar bear porn on this site.
Allan, if you've returned here by some grave misjudgement, I would like to point you to my own personal site, http://uk.groups.yahhoo.com/groop/polarbearporn. I imagine you should find what you are looking for there.
Estate agents never make a penny
Fact The grim reaper is not so grim! He is infact, quite happy in his work, and often whistles a jolly tune while working.
Jethro Tull was the inventor of the seed drill. This device allowed farmers to drill tiny holes in seeds the purpose of which remains a mystery even to this day! He also invented rock music.....
Ian Anderson was the inventor of farmed salmon, standing on one leg and flute playing at jazz festivals!!!
I didn't cry when Ol' Yellar died.
SHIT SHIT
THIS PLACE IS WEIRD (CONTACT anub@hotmail.com for info)
sharp pencil when a villainous gang broke into the classroom and set about obliterating everything in the class room using nothing but moist g-strings. Ever since that fateful day, George has been determined to ensure that the world is free from wet thongs of math destruction. DrQu+xum - [Btd] That's old and frankly uncalled-for. WMD puns are decidedly unfunny. DrQu+xum - Like this one. Dubya's twin daughters, Barbara & Jenna, have announced they are getting married to two guys they met while on an ale-fueled bender. The President is investigating these potential Weddings of Bass Consumption. Bob the dog - DrQu+xum] I am extremely upset by your rude responses to my postings. You obviously have no willy and a face like a pug chewing a condom. Allan - how do you play this game ZK - [Allan] Not by stating blatant or moderate lies as fact, that's for certain. < / lie > although in fairness to myself, he's probably gone by now. < lie > Tuj - Allan left due to the immense quantity of polar bear porn on this site. ZK - Allan, if you've returned here by some grave misjudgement, I would like to point you to my own personal site, http://uk.groups.yahhoo.com/groop/polarbearporn. I imagine you should find what you are looking for there. topnosh - Estate agents never make a penny widey - Fact The grim reaper is not so grim! He is infact, quite happy in his work, and often whistles a jolly tune while working. widey - Jethro Tull was the inventor of the seed drill. This device allowed farmers to drill tiny holes in seeds the purpose of which remains a mystery even to this day! He also invented rock music..... widey - Ian Anderson was the inventor of farmed salmon, standing on one leg and flute playing at jazz festivals!!! anybody - I didn't cry when Ol' Yellar died.
Some of those lies were so good they spontaneously repeated themselves.
I'm not at all worried that it looks like our lies will be used to confuse Bayesian filters, as these are an abomination, filtering out innocent Bayesians everywhere.
Upon reaching the summit of White Horse Hill, I came to realise that not all tourist honey spots are direct causes of complacency.
The truth is out there,and a few little lies! I prefer to avoid it and bury my head in the sand and snuffle for termites. My best friend is an Ostrich called Frank, and he owns a puppet made in the image of Bernie Clifton.
[antiknees] It was nice to see you in Yukon as well.
I am not making this post as a simple method of ascertaining whether the main page shows the time as GMT or BST.
[widey] I have one of those too! (A best friend called Frank who is an ostrich, not a Bernie Clifton puppet, obviously.)
Cooooool.........its true that the coolest of the cool know Frank the Ostrich!
Clover is resistant to four types of gelignite.
Oxford University dons are required by law to shake their booties once a month at the Abingdon Tweenagers' Sports and Social night. The Chancellor of the University generally spins some kewl noises on the deck while the Pro-Vice-Chancellor sells marijuana to a plain clothes policeman.
The Law in only an ass in countries with a common law system. In those states which use a code of law, the black and white nature of the legal system has resulted in it being reclassified as a zebra.
Following extensive research, scientists have conclusively proved that the only thing which does not cause cancer is marrow, unless you cut it up, in which case it is like to deadly poison in its effect. The Food and Health Ministries are currently working together on statements to deal with this news.
Following recent developments in battlefield weapons research, the Geneva Convention is to be amended to ban the aggressive use of tuneless humming.
Keanu Reeves is the son of Jim Reeves.
- who is himself the brother of Vic Reeves.
Christopher Reeves is no relation, though.
In fact, the ancestry of every Reeves now living can be traced back to a single ancestor, Theophilus Amadeua Gottlieb Reeves, a celibate monk who journeyed from his native Austria seeking elightenment and eventually settled in Banff.
The NASA program is currently the world's longest running stage play. NASA astronauts are paid thespians under the directorial partnerships of Andrew Lloyd Webber and George Lucas.
When I was a child reeves grew in threes.
A Reeve is an extremely posh chauffeur.
That is where the phrase "we have a-Reeved" comes from. According to Nigel Rees.
The name Rees is a diminutive version of Reeves and means 'one who drives lawnmowers'. It comes from the French 'Rivé' meaning 'man with small patch of grass'.
In most EU countries it is now illegal to sell sea shells on the sea shore.
My real name is Mick Onesiphorus Roberts, and I abhor the letter "V". Whenever I see it, I scream violently and am forced to order and eat a pizza to calm myself down.
I have just been appointed Minister for Soot.
Wantage is a measure of a substance missing, against the amount of substance required for any given task/job!
Tofu Was Invented by Arthur Prattock-Smyth in 1873 as an alternative to putty. Its use as a vegetarian food supplement was discoverd by Miss Jenny Beansweeth in 1924 at the Pocksworth annual food festival. It now comes in several flavours all of which are bland!
Dog-eared was a style of dress favoured by the poor in England between 1642 and 1751. It was later replaced by the style of dress known as Rag-n-bone in the late 1700's. There is no public record of what the poor were wearing inbetween these periods!
Ah! What widey is missing is the fact that the poor 'tween the aforementioned dates wore nothing. Hence the term "What the dickens" was an expression of surprise or disapproval - later usurped by the literati in reference to Charles Dickens and his social opinions. "dickens" is a contraction of "dick ends" and was a form of euphemism in those days of yore when a quid was called a pound and a virgin, whilst much sought after, was a far thing.
"Dude! My father was a surf board and my mother was an awwwwwwwwesome wave. Totally."
Chris DeBurgh is the personification of all that is wholesome.
Chris DeBurgh is in fact the most powerful man in the country, and Keanu's half-brother.
I had an uncle who was once a skate board, but his wheels came off, and now he's just a short plank!
The flyleaf was invented and named by William Caxton following his discovery that children were removing the front and back pages of his publications in order to make paper aeroplanes.
Current thinking is that trees breathe in carbon dioxide and, effectively, seal it within their structure so that it is in turn sealed within the Earth when they die. Given that we have far too much CO2 in the atmosphere the answer is simple - chop down more trees.
Lemon Curd is the modern spelling of the tribal name of Lemon Kurd. This fearsome band of warriors frequent the foot hills on the border of Afghanistan and Pakistan (sorry my spelling is poor). They have a "sister" tribe that frequent the lowlands of Pakistan known as the "Lime Pickles"!!
A Rangoon is a special type of dinner jacket. Its made of white cotton with beige leather arm patches and is usualy worn by ex army officers. Its popularity has dwindled since the mid 1800's and it is seldom worn these days!
Sir Brent Cross invented the ice hockey puck in 1805 and later went on to invent the steam wheelbarrow in 1875.
The "Arab Strap" was not invented by Arabs. It was infact, invented in Scotland in 1647 by Gordon Highlander.
It is little known fact that both John Deer & David Brown both came up with the idea of the agracultural Tractor at the very same time!
Now the Easter is over, Cadbury's Creme Spam will be withdrawn from the shops until next year...
Creme Spam was invented by Sir Brent Cross in 1802, the same year in which Sir Brent Cross was invented by Creme Spam, and the Queen Mother was built by Brunel.
What are you on about
Answer or maybe you found a hobbie like getting out of your chair
Answer
Who are you and why are you on this site if were loosers then why are you on this
i stumbled oto it and dont talk to me like that at least ive got a life
Shut it i do have a life and if you dont shut it ill kick you a*** you little c***
Does your mummy tell you not to put the swear word you stupid arse
I dont want to get kicked of
Thats how sad you are you depend on this site its your life go out get a friend have a drink i bet you live with your mwa in a crappy council estate and you work as a bin man and your only thrill is going out to the bingo on a thursday night
*Maw
Actually jim i have a wife and my mum is dead i work as a teacher i do have mates so there you wank
What brilliant and witty reparteé!
All teachers are educated, articulate, and a pleasure to talk to.
There are three hundred and fifteen different spellings of the word "maw", all of them anagrams of "loss adjuster".
Im thirteen years of age and i scripted that because no one else was on andiwas bored
Gardeners beware! If you have recently experienced time-shift whilst hoeing your root vegetables, you may have a temporal vortex swede.
All 13 year olds should be allowed full and unfettered access to the web. It's a learning experience!
Your local greengrocer will remove the eyes from potatoes if you ask nicely.
plump] So will I.
Thick people are the same as clever, people only much wider......hence my nickname!
But clever people always put the (,'s) in the right place.....I am widey and I invented sliced bread..........
I am noballey and I invented both the bread knife and bread. Sadly, I never put two and two together.
That wasn't me. And I don't care what you say -- that was a great joke!
I'm not at home right now. I'm feeling wonderful. No coughing, no aching, no dry-heaves!
One of my fondest memories of my schoolboy years was leaving a coursework assignment 'til the night before it was due in, and getting the sh*ts that night (excuse me).
Seedless grapes were originaly developed by Arthur Pollwick in 1907 whilst working in the French town of Urvet-la-Monge. He was killed in 1916 on the Western front, whilst trying to develop the "self-seeding" damson for the allied forces.
One of my fondest memories from my schoolboy years was getting a glimps of stocking top from Miss Butley, as she was bending over to pick up a stray piece of chalk from the class room floor.....I got to see a bit more than that too, at a later date, but thats another story!!!
Mrs Dulcie Fishwick of Farnworth, Lancashire, is credited as the first women ever to run a full marathon dressed as Donald Duck (1962).
Napalm makes a great substitute spread if you happen to run out of marmite and it has a similar taste. The USAAF dropped 1.2 million tons of marmite on Vietnam during the Vietnam war, by accident. This was due to a clerical error which came to light several years after the conflict ended!!!!
This sentence may or may not be true, depending on the phase of the moon and who's keeping wicket for England.
The great crested newt is not really that great, being a mere 4" long. It is a very capable hunter though, as any earthworm will testify!
widey] The word women in your sentence was no mistake, I'm sure.
woman, women.............lose the W and you either have a place or some tell tale sign of the future!!!!! Still it was late at night when I posted, plus im stupid. Neither of which helps me very much.............sigh!!!!
Still, at least you play the sitar to Grade 7 competency.
The sitar was invented by deaf people who enjoyed the vibrations but were, unfortunately, clueless about the sound. It was actually invented in Cleveland and then exported to India by persons who were stuck in an airport and just got on the first plane that would take off. It became widely popular in India, especially because of the very long notes it could play. The record is 45 seconds, during which the note played varied slightly in half tones, but only slightly approached a whole tone. The sitar, also, by no coincidence, rhymes with guitar.
Two margarine tubs and an elastic band make an excellent emergency bra.
I'm afraid I'm crap on the Sitar, not bad on Guitar and Bass guitar though! Visit(http://www.papalazarus.com)for some proof!!! I leave all the weird sounding stuff to Mr Sideboard and his amazing synths..........
Nosferatu has a part time job selling ice cream in Seedley, Salford. I often see him on my way to the undertakers. He's a jolly nice chap and can hold 8 ice-cream cones in one hand, nearly a world record!!
My given name is Falstaff [Sir John Sack-and-sugar]. T'was Ol' Willy Shakespeare who made me immortal. He is my revered God and I have gone and outlived him, which has driven me to excessive drink and to carousing with loose women to lift me spirits *sic* what else could become a man who has no savior?
My name is Mick Thudge and I hold the record for holding ice cream cones in one hand: eighteen on February 30th, 1971.
Grimsby is a well known type of fishcake from the place of the same name.Its made using welks and a combination of seaweed....
Little Hampton is a condition often experienced by males aged 80 and above. It can also affect younger men if there is a sudden cold spell or the weather turns damp. It is also sometimes known as Turtles heading........
Turpentine is so named because highwaymen used to used it to clean their forks.
Roger Moore's Grandfather, Sir Henry Dart Moore was the main force behind the forming of Englands national parks. His Great Aunt, Miss Emily Avie Moore was the owner of the first Scotish Ski resort. Which was founded in 1907 outside the little village of Speennaghspraghha-Dhu........
Lionel Hampton is a condition experienced by men over 30. It is caused by extended periods of kneeling on the floor to play with their children's toy trains. It is rarely fatal, but can turn into Lionel Ritchie, a condition which common decency prevents me from describing any further.
Lionel Blair can be fatal.
[noballey] You're noballey till someballey loves you.
I am a mole and I live in hole. Failing that I enjoy wombling, although the city ordinances require the payment of an annual fee which means that I cannot womble for free.
I am a great fan of truncheons in salad, especially if lightly sauteed in sesame oil with a little oregano.
"'Ol' Dismal', that be 'is name. 'Twould do ye well to mind that as you wallow around in self-pity afore t' magistrate as 'e sentences ye," said Father Johnson to his flock, but the sheep never answered.
"BAAAA-men."
BAAAA-men: Not high in number nor do they enjoy kumquats. They are a curious folk with out right-side* tendons and inhabit the planes of Ikea. (N.B: *in obedience to biological discrepencies; those on the left)
All the letters on my keyboard are mixed up. If this is readable at all it is by pure good fortune.
[Dazed5] You are an infinite number of monkeys and I claim my five rupees.
I work with an infinite number of monkeys. They have yet to create a simple declarative sentence.
News Flash! The monkeys who have been sealed up in a room with a typewriter for three weeks just passed a note under the door. Finally a simple declarative sentence! "We smell."
The problem is, they used their noses to type it.
Chicken breast is a condition known to affect women who live within the artic circle. Not to be confused with chicken leg, a condition sufferd by both men and women who live along the line of the equator. Chicken Kiev has mostly been erradicated except for a small area of Poole (Dorset) and Novgarod (formerly in the USSR).
Thrift is only communicable if both parties wear woollen mittens.
I am pleased to welcome Togo to the EU.
I am happy to hear that.
You couldn't make it up...
A marmoset could.
Confusingly, my bandicoot has completely straight legs.
Marmoset is good on hot toast with a lot of runny, melting butter.
Parmoset tends to be bad tempered if not fed regularly.
Modern pumpernickel can be powered by a single lithium battery, which is a great improvement on the pumpernickel of yore which required the electricity from fourteen lemons just to boot up!
Down is the new up.
Goat-insects are commonly thought to be a goat/insect cross, but in actual fact are a sheep/insect cross, hence the white fluffy coat. They where originally bred by Mi5 as an experiment to see if stick insects could be farmed for wool, but due to pressure from the welsh farming community the experiments where dropped and the test subjects released into the wild. The mojority released died from an insect equivelent of syphalus, but a few still remain in a small community located in Exeter, in the hedgerow of a small rural primary school. Local people are now threatening there existance by harvesting them to use as fire lighters, the RSPCA have declared the area a SSSI and are in the process of setting up a breeding program to ensure the goat-insects future.
The sky was such a choppy blue today that I carved out a portion and used it to patch a hole in the sea.
Falstaff is Welsh really.
I add Freeze to my car in summer to stop it working.
"Flat as a Pancake" used as a term in our household means very lumpy, undercooked and coverd in dust,fluff and bits of human/animal hair!!!
The Wizard of Ozz was once the Wizard of Izz but was evicted due to none payment of council tax!
i want something about scotland
We all want something about Scotland
In Scotland, the addition of an exclamation mark instantly makes things funny! However, the original exclamation mark-shaped plans for Hadrian's Wall were cancelled when it was realised nothing was holding uo the top bit.
"Steganography" is the art of hiding a stegasaurus.
My ancestors were from Scotland, but spelled their names with a question mark at the end. This led to confusion, vast intermarriages, and, ultimately, extreme difficulty in genealogy searches.
At work, I have three stegasauruses hidden. I cannot make claim to the title of professional steganographer because to do so would blow my cover.
Scotish Bagpipes are a useful device for storing hot air!
The scotish tend to be full of hot air.
Bertie Vogts speaks with an impeccable Scottish accent.
As a subtle practical joker, I like to cover my local zebra crossing with a life size negative photograph of it, and count the years til anyone notices.
Thos] I did not find that at all funny.
I have an albino pet zebra called Ernie, He likes chips dribbled with lots of vinegar!
Seven Oaks is miss-named as there are now only 3 Oaks following the great Oak disaster of July 21st 1957...... An ill wind and a council worker with a chain saw......
Mr Bertie Vogts Snr designed and built the Vogts Electric Tramway linking the Scotish town of Jibberish with the East coast port of Twaddle in the year 1960.
By a unanimous proclamation of the World Trade Organization, the year 1961 has been banished from the historical calendar. All persons born within that dark era will no longer exist and must be ignored with all diligence. Their offspring however, do exist and shall henceforth be viewed as prodigy, having derived from immaculate conception. Any non-persons affected by this proclamation are required by international law to surrender themselves to the nearest cannery for assimilation and citizens are urged to report any noncompliance to the local authorities. As decreed this 10th day of May, 2004 by the esteemed Curator of Agricultural Commodities, Colonel Soylent Greene.
Due to the late delivery of 1925, 1908 was in fact re-gheated and served again. No-one noticed.
Bright sunlight makes me Blink
Re-gheating is only carried out in cheaper Indian restaurants
Donald Rumsfeld is available in a wide range of colours.
Ironically, purple elephants are themselves available in a wide range if Donald Rumsfelds.
Plastic coathangers are an excellent source of nutrition, and have in fact been discovered to contain a minimum of 43% more vitamins and minerals than the average airline meal.
Metal coathangers breed. A tentative welcome back to ZK ... or have I simply been inattentive?
Parsons Nose is a little known island situated in the North of the South China sea.... I was ship wrecked their for 3 months and lived on a diet of squid and wild rice! My bowels still refuse to work properly!
I have been here the whole time, taking notes for a psychological study on pathological liars for my degree in Botanics and Fishery. [Dujon] But they do!
Paranoia is next to godliness, but only in the newly released "serendiptionary" where words are jumbled up at random. Increase your vocabulary by picking a random word today!
There is not, and never shall be, anything good about Carling.
Dang and blast!
Donald Rumsfeld has an unnatural fear of Spoonerisms.
Should my wife ask, I was never here.
I am Falstaff's wife and I CAN SEE YOU!
The Rugby weekend was crap, and you'll never catch me doing that again!
I'm not sunburnt.
I am not happy to be on vacation this week. I miss rising at 4:30 a.m. and rushing about to leave for my work, which is fifty miles away.
My daughter did not bring her daughter to my house the other day and then take my wife along with the little darling to feed the ducks at the local lagoon. Nor did she lose her keys to the car and ask me to drive down to the said wetland to help find them. Shoes are cheap, particularly if they are drenched, covered in duck droppings, mud and various seeds of thorn. There are times when I love my family to death.
Wax strips work! Save lots of money and pain, and buy some today!
[Dujon] I saw a duck driving a car, it had a damaged wing.
[plump] Are you sure it wasn't just tyred?
Photo frames can now be purchased with a chameleonic finish to them which makes a picture look like it has been bevelled into the wall.
Bollards are ducks that are neither female nor male.
Bollocks are ducks with funky hair.
I do not have a radio now. I am not at all happy about this.
"No Fixed Abode, Cricklewood" is not on the Radio during my Greek exam. I'm deliriously happy about this.
</lie> [ZK] Listen Again is your friend. It's certainly mine - I can't listen to R4 live at all. <lie>
Contrary to popular belief, dumb bells can be quite loquacious if talked to about the right subject.
*kisses Dunx*
Villards are evil ducks.
A stationary lobster is known as a thermostat.
I am certainly not crapping myself over my Russian exams.
By the time I came to my Russian exams, I cared very deeply about the outcome and got very stressed indeed.
"Russian exam" is a euphemism.
"swedish massage" is not a euphemism.
Magnets only work when they are being watched.
CERN has announced the discovery of a new subatomic particle which has been observed to interact minimally with other particles itself but which has been seen with great frequency to pass by two particles which then annihilate each other in a highly energetic manner. It has been dubbed the tarantino.
The most wonderful eel in the world is called Hernia, which explains why she is so shy.
this music is certainly not giving me headache.
"I'll have no frolicking in my pantry Guv'nor!!" was the catch-phrase used by Princess Michael of Kent in her first unrecorded sitcom provisionally entitled "Sperm Kittens go AWOL in Tewkesbury".
I was the fourth Goodie; you can see me hiding behind a giant black pudding during the episode "King Carrot".
"No more rubber please Vicar!!" was the catchphrase used by Alan Rickman in his cabaret act entitled "Murun Bertstanzinger goes pole vaulting".
The Teletubbies are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
<lie>Thanksgiving will be particularly entertaining this year now that most people in the US have come to realise that George W Bush is a turkey.</lie>
I am terribly offended by Bob the Dog's post.
Ironically, it has now been discovered that George W. Bush himself is a weapon of mass destruction.
When I was small, I used to stretch my mouth between the gateposts that led into our front garden and 'strum' my lips with a plecktrum in order to imitate the extraordinary musical tallent of Stephan Grappelli.
[Bob] So did I, only I used a chopstick rather than a plectrum for a better acoustic sound.
I hate drummers.
The British band Keane only has two members. Their lead singer has been lying in a coma in Croydon for the last 22 months, and performs all of their songs via astral projection.
I'm wide awake and very confident about my chances today.
Polo mints have been proven to increase intelligence in fish by up to 400 per cent, except for the salmon, to whom they are a lethal substance.
Incidentally, polo mallets have not been discovered to increase intelligence in any species, particularly.
There is a running joke in Hollywood about elastic bands. Some of the most highly regarded people in the industry are those who have managed to bring about the appearance of two hundred or more elastic bands during key moments of the films in which they are working. The most famous and brilliant exponent of this activity to date is Irwin Stokes, actually a little-known sound technician from Caldwell, who has been active since the 1940s and has so far totalled a whopping 18,942 "infiltrations" - nearly 3,000 of these were in the film "I, Spartacus" alone. Stokes actually received a 'secret' Oscar (cut from the tapes) for his 500th, which found its way into Ben-Hur. Insiders say that a roaring trade in DVDs and literature about the practice is the most lucrative and fast-growing in Hollywood since Elijah Wood made a slip about Sir Ian McKellen not being able to get the one he wears in "Fellowship of the Ring" on his beard past the Antipodean producers. Incidentally, the first "Greatest Moments" DVD is due for release on Amazon in 2005, but numerous insiders are lobbying to have it withheld, as it remains one of the few Hollywood activities unknown to the general public.
Mayonnaise is not allowed in Bollywood films, as so many of the actors consider it bad luck.
Comic and actor Robin Williams has a crippling fear of fabric softener.
"Tro, håb og kærlighed" ("Twist and Shout") is considered the film industry's finest hour, however, there is a great move to prevent its wider circulation as it contains no fewer than eight million references to rubber bands, which the more die-hard followers felt would be unlikely to go unnoticed by the public in general. Thus it is often submitted on television without subtitles, or interrupted by news bulletins somewhere after the 1,000,000 mark.
Isela Vega was given a three-year ban by the film industry between 1992 and 1995 for appearing in the '92 spoof movie "Bring Me The Rubber Band of Alfredo Garcia".
The origins of the game are shrouded in mystery - one source claims that it does in fact date back to the days of the Puritan régime, when English actors used to hide behind abandoned theatres and flick Oliver Cromwell with bands, made at that time out of leather, as he rode past. However, more evidence suggests that the first recorded incident is in fact merely to be found in Cecil B. DeMille's film "Dynamite" in 1929.
All rubber band shenanigans were forbidden by contract on the set of David Lynch's 1977 film "Eraserhead".
Nor indeed was Cromwell an insignificant character in history; he is credited with the discovery of Bognor Regis and the invention of the loofah.
Interestingly, the many worlds of radio and television, have developed their own versions of the game, and these also vary massively internationally. One Spanish satellite channel works to incorporate a duck, halibut and yoga instructor into every fifth programme, a British production company has so far managed to include naked pictures of any Prime Minister since 1805 into each of its films (their latest triumph was the Christmas hit "Love Actually") and a music station in Strasbourg only remains on the air as long as they manage to run a genuine story each day featuring Anthea Turner.
I am a big fan of extraneous commas.
Commas are simply the disguise of those rubber bands which hang from the office ceiling.
I've only been away 14 days and so much has changed,its scary stuff!!!
Thomas the tank engine is an alias, his real name is Steve and he was a very useless Crampton type tender engine!!
Alas, ZK beat me to the scoop about rubber bands, but only I know the truth about Tony Blair and the armadillo.
To avoid suffocation - keep away from babies.
Carrier Bags have just been named the world's Most Obliging Species, just ahead of Carrier Pigeons, Labrador Retrievers, Dolphins and Katie Price.
I came in to work today only to discover that my computer has become possessed by the spirit of Liberace. Darling.
ZK is using his/her internet priviliges wisely.
I have just retrospectively cancelled a lunch date I attended a fortnight ago.
Darth Vader is based on George Lucas's uncle, and was originally called Clovis.
[nights] < / l i e > Her :) < l i e >
Phone Bill Castration. I would, but I've been cut off.
James Woods (actor) has a brother called Arulostintha, which is an ancient tribal name used by the Black Mountain Indians. He also has a brother called Dave!
Dave Woods is an irritable postman who inspired the character of Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs.
Manx cats are a form of miniture, tailess, Celtic-Puma's
A few things the Romans didn't do for us! 1. They didn't invent TV... 2. They didn't design the Ford Fiesta (it was the Anglia.......yuk)... 3. They didn't put a man on the moon and neither did the yanks...4. They had no idea how to break-dance... So much for being a great nation!!!!!
Fact.......If you leave baked beans, untouched, on a plate for several weeks they will, as if by magic, turn into peanuts!!
Fact....Research performed at the Loughborough Sleep Research Center have shown if you interrupt a dream at precisely the correct moment, the dream will become reality. [As a matter of record, two nights ago I pinched myself while dreaming and awakened to find I was in fact pinching myself.]
Fact - I once worked at Loughborough Sleep Research Centre, but I got the sack for staying awake on the job.
I may look like a normal woman to you, but I am made from muesli.
I used to be a postman, but I got the sack.
*runs and hides* Don't start that again!
I was a tiger tamer in the circus before they threw me to the lions.
[ZK] Luckily they haven't.
I am not in the least bit embarrassed to have "started that up again".
I never, ever get embarrassed. I don't embarrass easily.
I used to work for a mobile wood mill, but then they saw me off the premises.
That was not one of the most extreme reactions I have ever had to a pun.
Personalities clashed at my job in the strawberry packaging warehouse. I used to make a lot of jokes and insinuations, until I was called into the manager's office and told that I was no longer required to punnet.
I am still concerned to hear about Tony Blair and the Armadillo, was it the drink?..
I was a Grand Canyon tour guide until I was told to take a hike.
I worked in a talcum factory until I was told to take a powder.
I tested Bungie cords until I was let loose.
I am pissed off at Kim for having started this thread again.
I made fishing lures...then one day I got the hook.
I worked in the menswear department until they cut all ties with me.
I used to be a poet until my licence was revoked.
I was the captain of the Surrey county cricket team before they went Batty.
I worked in a commode factory...then I got dethroned.
I write policy for the Bush Administration, and everyone says I do a fine job.
I used to work in porno films but I got laid off.
I used to be a consistent liar, but now I'm the Queen of Sheba.
Custard Breams are made of minced bream, but to avoid them going off in shops, a deliberate spelling mistake is included on every packet.
Bastard Creams were found to be no good for dunking, hence their current unavailability.
It has been shown in tests that you can dunk anything with a volume of less than 20 cubic miles. For bigger objects, you simply need a double-sized mug of tea.
Ecquador has lost its spectacles.
I am a master of Ecky Thump. Look at the size of my flat cap!
"Blue Suede Shoes" contains any number of sly allusions to Elvis' hobby of competitive rose growing. The line "Two for the show" in particular refers to the standard practice at the time of providing two blooms at an exhibition, the judges then choosing the one which was marked most highly.
Kilimanjaro is made of margarine.
Limericks can only be purchased in one flavour. The days of the lemonrick and orangerick are long gone.
The House of Lords was reformed specifically to ameliorate a common ailment amongst the hereditary peers, that of a strained larynx which in severe cases led to amputation of the head (eg King Charles I). Only those peers who could repeatedly say the word "house" without ill effects were permitted to retain their seats, and a breeding programme to eliminate the worst excesses of this dangerous accents has been instituted.
Weston-super-mare is named after a race horse............
Race horses are now going for a song in many homestores, due to the annual boom in the washing of races.
E45 cream is a perfectly acceptable substitute for crème fraîche in this recipe.

[Dunx] what IS ecky thump? my northern housemates won't tell me...
</lie>[nights] Listen to this, although quickly before it expires!<lie>
Constantly thinking of the word "pumpernickel" is a sign of a well-adjusted personality.
"The Archers" is a soap opera about Roman stone masons and the complex relationships between different guilds and their arch specialities, and the qualities of the stones and bricks used to build them. The series builds to climactic episodes set during the eruption of Vesuvius that covered ancient Pompeii.
Archie Bunker is where the not so mighty USA store all their Nukes, it also has an "outdoor" where you can purchase beer and spirits!
I have a tie made entirely of gravy. I use a brown windsor knot to secure it.
In 1745 a young Master Bates was discovered crouched behind the banister inside of his mothers Virginia domicile working himself into a frenzy while watching the chambermaid straighten her garter. Not only did his horrified mother twist his ear unmercifully as she dragged him towards the bathtub, but his father later that evening reproached him using a stout cherry sapling confiscated from the front lawn. Made to repent before their small Methodist congregation, word of his voyeuristic inclinations soon reached his peers. Hoping to avoid his newfound popularity and subsequent bruising, young Master Bates dropped his surname and ran away from home, only to emerge elsewhere under the given name of George. Vowing to never repeat the mistakes of his past, George went on to become the father of his country. Which further supports the old adage [practice makes perfect].
I'm fully relaxed and prepared in the face of my European Studies exam (sorry to keep on but I am truly crapping myself)
Solomon Grundy was making love by Wednesday.
The city of Timbuktu exists solely for the purpose of affording Western companies the the opportunity for cute homophonic names such as Timbuk2.
Strawberry jam only happens when the density of strawberry traffic reaches a certain level, or when there is a jack-knifed banana in the road.
When Citizen Kane mouthed his dieing word [Rosebud] he was relying on his beloved doberman pinscher, Attila to be positioned at his bedside. Attila was a graduate of the Icelandic Canine Academy of Berserkergang, an elitist obedience school for dogs. 'Rosebud' was the command that would plunge Attila into a fit or insanity whereby he would slay indiscriminately all those who had gathered to watch the great man die. Unfortunately Attila was not present at kane's death, and the wry smile on the face of the dead man once he'd give the command was deemed a mystery.
Everyone knows, Kim, that Solomon Grundy was the very wealthy Uncle of Eddie, and he and Jeffrey Archer made a fortune penning throw-away chart hits spun-off from biblical soap-operas. as a sequel to the 'Kane Dingle and Dr. Abel' trilogy, they released 'Queen Vic of My Heart' under the guises of 'Craig David and Goliath'.
Walls have ears. I recomend you steer well clear of their ice creams.
You know I'd never tell a lie. I took a polygraph test once. You're asked to draw a piechart, by the waitress off of Fawlty Towers.
They took Gullible out of the dictionary... and these inch-high people tied him to the ground as a precaution.
Bludgeoning baby seals to death is to become an Olympic sport in 2012. England are the pre-tounament favourites.
For years there was controversy over who really sang on Milli Vanilli's chart hits. The answer, believe it or not, was Stephen Hawking. In a strange twist of fate, it was the surviving member of the band who provided the voice for that box-thingy the scientist uses. Rumour has it the two will reuinte this Summer to appear in commercials for Tunes Throat Lozenges. "A first class ticket to Nottingham please - and you can sod off if you think you're putting me in the Guard's van, you prancing, dreadlocked twat!" That sort of thing. Remember, you heard it here first.
A little-known fact - eBay is named after a drug-pushing horse from Harrogate that auctioned off John McCrirrick to the highest bidder.
"Help! Help! The clowns are coming to store my elephants in their comfy sacks!" is my password at the moment, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
Looking fixedly into a solar eclipse with the naked eye reveals one blinding truth. [God does not like to be stared at!]
[I did not submit the above] furthermore, I have never told an untruth and sobriety becomes me.
Lord Byron presented this haiku to his mistress on the eve preceding his death:

Some night I'll whisper
[I Love You] posthumously
Just to hear you scream
[GUFFAWS!!!]
I am a man of constant sorrow.
I keep my genitals in a jar of formaldehyde.
Never accept strong drink from Tuj, especially if there is an olive in the glass.
Penguins will run on lemon juice if fish are unavailable, although their mileage will be reduced.
The southern Penguin colonies seemed to have survived although the Penguin Empire itself has disappeared. Purely as a matter of interest, some of the colonies are monarchist in their structure and others somewhat more dictatorial (e.g. the King and Emperor species).
Fairy penguins have had scientists stumped since their colonies were rediscovered in the late 1800s. Coat room ticket?
Tuxedos, once the epitome of fashion, are now acceptable only at barbeques and pool parties.
I played pool - once: I drowned.
'They' say that drowning is a wonderful experience - even better than sex. Given that I've never had sex (and my children will verify that) I find myself in a rather awkward position.
DNA tests are the best thing since sliced bread. When I got the results the other day I was so releived to find that the little b*stards don't carry my genes.
I know why I posted my previous.
Twinkys have not been made in the pas fourty years, they have a giant warehouse full of them and simply make new packaging so noone sees the truth.
Jokes about the similarity between the words "genes" and "jeans" will be, and have always been, fresh and amusing.
The onset of vertigo is a sure sign that you are about to receive a letter from your bank manager.
Vertigo is the French word for Traffic Lights.
I like vertigo. I like vertigo. I like vertigo, but only when I'm green.
Dr Q] Here comes another one.
In Britain an "X" is used on ballot papers, as this represents your kiss of good luck to your chosen candidate. The single transferable kiss is however merely whoreish.
It's a well known fact that the pen is mightier than the sword, which is why Lord Byron chose pistols when challenged to a head-on confrontation in an essay writing competition by a classmate in 3C.
Eggs stay fresh longer if turned upside down in their styrofoam boxes, but have been known cause hallucinations and "loss of balance" when eaten if stored in such a manner.
Eating diamonds will coat your teeth in diamond dust, thus allowing you to bite through solid steel with ease and wit much more effort and luck perhapse a piece of fruitcake
'Big Brother' is unquestionably the TV highlight of the Summer.
Winning the Lottery won't change me. That's why I never buy a ticket.
Linda Lee Potter is to Social Commentary in the 21st Century what Jonathan Swift and Benjamin Franklin were in the 18th.
Swiss cheese is made from old banknotes............
Motivation can be manufactured from tightly compressed cheese, but only if the plastic wrapping has been removed first.
Masking tape is specifically designed for use in carnival masks.
Things I Like most in life.........Tea, beer, football, curry, women........but mostly over the next few weeks it will be numbers 1-3 in reverse order!!! with number 4 thrown in at some point. Number 5 is out for the next week or so........and the fun starts today!!!
Arthur Beanstock invented the spit valve for brass wind instruments in 1822. He died 3 years later after the valve on his Blenkinsop Tuba failed and he aspirated 2 gallons of sputum!!!
Since our state government issued the edict that railway trains arriving five minutes after the timetabled schedule are 'on time' and that those arriving less than ten minutes late are 'within acceptable parameters' the whole metropolitan network has been working like clockwork and commuters are really, really pleased to see that the powers that be are so considerate, caring and proactive when it comes to their welfare.
The mere thought of aspirating 2 gallons of sputum does not sicken me in the least.
According to my doctor, I have 'grassy chumps'.
My doctor is ten-pin bowling champion of the world. His entire vocabulary consists of the phrase "The machines are digging".
It is obligatory in Latvia to greet everyone by saying "Hello Irene", except your spouse, to whom you may say "Hello Iain".
Entertainment at its best comes in the form of a London party magician called "Sando the Grate". He had an assistant called Janet, but she kinda got cut up a bit, without the putting-back-together.
The proof of the pudding is on the scoresheet.
One day, the future of the human race will be decided by a game of croquet between an animated doormat and a jar of chutney. It's going to be a draw.
154 is greater than 155, as Newton proved but didn't tell anyone. They were switched back on the sly by the Copenhagen group in the 30's.
If you are whitewashed in a game of pool, you must run naked to the nearest set of traffic lights, press the button and wait. Walk calmly across, then run back to your clothes.
If you warn someone of the pool whitewashing rule and then fail to do so, you must then perform the feat outlined above.
The Queen's closest advisor is The Royal Bletherer.
Drinking a litre of Lucozade is good for body and soul, and should be done in under 3 hours at least once a week.
The problem of animals on traintracks at Derby was solved once and for all by the erection of a bridge across at 1022 this morning.
Stalybridge still runs on Railway time so we are at this present time 32 years behind the rest of the UK......Anyone got change for a 10 bob note?
George Bush is set to the Japanese international time zone. Eric Morecambe, in his day, ran on BST all year round, excepting the fourth finger on each hand.
The meaning of life is widey.
///////''vsdfiovh/.;p;;;;;14159...fvsjio///\\| is the meaning of Stalybridge.
Money is good for the sole.
I have a friend who can impersonate an owl whilst standing on a stick. At parties, he then falls out of a tree into a ditch. What A Scream.
< /lie > Oh dear, what have I done?< lie >
I always wanted to be the meaning of life..........but we have to wait another 2 years before I hit the magic number 42!!! I can practice in the meantime.....
Stacy Keach.............is infact a girl!!!
If you stand at the entrance of box tunnel on IK's birthday, just as the sun rises...........your liable to be run over by an express train. I know I have the bruises to prove it!
I live in Sheffield, Yorkshire - which is in fact under water. I have always lived under water. My soul is drawn to large bodies of water – as it is a primary ingredient of custard and custard allows me to think more clearly and connect with 'the other side'.

I was led to Sheffield by my spirit guide, the shade of Adolf Hitler. I had never thought about moving to Sheffield - but once I came to the building in which I now live, I felt the energies created by the water, saw the 'Barley' style tiles in the bathroom and saw how close it was situated to an excellent budget ‘white goods’ department store, then Hitler told me I was home.
Hakan Yakin is the fifth member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
Thursday is Milk Day.
In Gibraltar, London is known as "The City of Mangles".
Its a little known fact that Wayne Rooney is an expert "spoon" player. He's known in rock circles as Roon the Loon!! Sol Campbell used to play in a "Dixie style" jug band.................well done lads.............
But not all the England squad are so musical. Gary and Phil were kicked out of the Neville Brothers because Gary's voice was always a little flat and Phil couldn't keep the beat going for longer than 5 bars. Before they were run out of town they were forced to undergo skin whitening treatment so that no-one would ever associate them with New Orleans first family of funk. The skin whitening treatment also had a miraculous effect of making them look a lot younger than they really are. They lived in Salford for 15 years before becoming naturalised British citizens and their real ages are 47 and 52 respectively.
Power-tools may be over compensating for a lack of sexual prowess.
Wal-mart cart pushers get all the women, chicks dig the orangevest.
Sorry, it's never worked for me. The only thing I ever pulled was a thigh muscle.
you have to be crazy to work at walmart, it is in the fine print on the bottom of page two.
there are many unpleasent people who shop at walmart, these people cannot be found at any other store, this is why we pass out small happyface stickers, they work as shields, protecting the next generation from the bad walmart mojo.
Clouds are the debris left over from exploding fairies.
Grass purrs when you mow it.
That Rooney kid - what a plank!
Shrek escaped from Hollywood and is now taking international football by storm.
I am devstated that the European cup has come round again and that I have to eat handfuls of Doritos just to ensure an England victory.
Leaky football? A large dollop of peanut butter makes an ideal substitute.
There is no more productive or enjoyable way to spend a day than cutting down saplings, pulling up nettles and weeds, and filling a skip with all the garden trash.
My friend Doormatt invented the skip with steps (so you can get out of it easily).
I invented the barstool [but it turned out the blasted thing could be unreliable after a few drinks] so I give the patent away to avoid potential lawsuits.
I invented the preposition fishing rod, but it never caught 'on'.
I invented a canvas house for mothers but I couldn't get a patent.
I invented a new spaceship but it never got off the ground.
I invented the birthday.
I also patented monarchy, but they refuse to pay me royalties... Groan
I patented the keyboard. Pay up.
I invented non-stick glue.
I invented the joke about the toothless budgerigar, but it didn't succeed.
I invented a machine for human cloning but since then everyone's copied me.
I invented the hat. Top that!
I invented a double-entendre machine, but the knob kept coming off in my hand.
I invented an instant English-to-Spanish translator, but Πήρα τη γλώσσα λανθασμένη.
With the adept use of 8 shaving mirrors and 1 clothes mirror, I can view the scene outside of my bed room window while making a cup of tea in the kitchen! I am a nosey neighbour!!!
I invented nipple creep to undermine ZK.
I invented the internet.
Angus Prune, thou art yet a child.
And so am I, if it comes to that.
I'm so old, I was born in black and white.
I invented the boneless chicken, it's over there in that bucket.
I invented binary. -1!
I invented the binary -1, and shelves.
i invented a propetual motion machine but couldent keeb the thing running for more than five minuts.
I invented a robot that doesn't work in order to give the unemployed a break.
I've got a luvverly buch of coconuts ....
OK - maybe I meant 'bunch'
I've got a luvverly Buch of coconuts, which I picked up in Bonn from a man who bore a striking resemblance to Terry Jones.
It is a little known fact that Terry Jones is actually Aled Jones's dad.
...and his mother is Catherine Zeta Jones.
Catherine was, of course, the Jones's sixth child.
I invented the Greek alphabet so Welsh women could have odd middle names.
Catherine's father being Tom Jones of course.
Her uncle is Griff Rhys Jones
Terry Jones' father was Tommy Lee Jones. Aled Jones' long lost brother is James Earl Jones.
I could go on like this all day
It's all lies. They're all Smiths in disguise. There is no such thing as a Jones.
Yes, that is true. Half of the Smiths family changed their names to Jones when their cousin, W.H., opened his first newsagent. The reason for this defection? They were alergic to newspapers. They developed a black rash on their fingers whenever they came into contact with one.
Radio 4's "We've Been Here Before" is a really well presented and highly amusing show.
There was one exception. Terry Jones's twin brother, Terry, moved to Ireland and changed his name to Wogan.
Putting a teabag in your cheak for half an hour tastes exactly like a cup of tea nad whitens your teath at the same time.
Definitely, I tried it myself. Not sure about the TEETH (teath?!) thing though as all mine fell out when I was 11 as a result of an accident with a bag of sherbet lemons.
Oh yeah, and it's CHEEK as well.
A "cheak" is in fact a traditional teapot used in parts of Yorkshire. Hence the classic dialogue from a much beloved show:

- Get away wi' yer! Me cheak's on t'boil!
- Aye, Nora lass, and it ain't t'only part neither!
(Degenerates into comic brawl as Foggy and Clegg look on indulgently)
Elizabeth Taylor's fifth husband was Zachary Taylor [the twelfth president of the United States] but they divorced in 1848, one year before he was elected to office. i.e. [Elizabeth Taylor is older than Eve.]
I went to a party with an owl, it was a hoot.
I put my rubbish bags out this morning. They're still there tonight because our Refuse Collector is indisposed.
My refuse collector often refuses to collect.
I have modified my car alarm to fit our wheelie bin.
I've fiddled with my sons clock, he wakes up and leaves rubbish on my carpet
I fiddle with my clock all the time...but the rest of the orchestra prefers bows.
i like clocking squirrels upsidethe headwith a baseball bat.
my spacebar workswell.
MYCAPSLOCKISSTUCKANDMYSPACEBARDOESN'TWORKEITHER.
I went to a space bar but there was no one there so I had a glass with nothing in it.
Squirrel = target practice.
I've been mising for 9 days! No one noticed, including me! I wonder where I went? Ah well, I hope I had a good time whatever I was doing............
[belated telegraph] ATTENTION HOOMANS! IF YOU EVER WISH TO SEE YOUR PAL WIDEY AGAIN AGREE TO OUR DEMANDS WITHOUT DELAY! *check* ONE GAZILLION TON OF PICKLED HERRING *check* SOUTH POLE *check* DROP SHIPMENT *check* FEAR US! ... OUR ARMIES ARE AMASSING! *check* [by order of His Majesty The Emperor Penguin]
Surrender all of your WMD's (Weapons of Mackerel Destruction) or face the consequences.
By the way, you don't have any oil down there, do you?
Lol...........its all coming back now! I was abducted by thePLA. I thought it was all a bit fishy!!!!
I have a fish with legs..........her name is Wanda ! She often pops out to get the morning paper...........
I have the power to have Jon Culshaw beheaded.
Jon Culshaw is really George W Bush - that's not an impression.
If you could turn your knee caps to face backwards, it would be possible to kick yourself in the head.............
Wild bird food does no such thing! I have found the birds act the same after eating it!
I witnessed a bloke drink himself under the table ... but once past the neck, he found it difficult to swallow himself any further. After kicking it about the pub for a bit, we agreed [arbitrarily] the head [by which I mean the cranium] would make an excellent spittoon. [It has!]
With the addition of a few forks a Spittoon makes a wonderful impromptu fondu set...........
Fondue is Swedish for sinal fluid
"Mama, pass out dem biscuits ... i done brung home de fondue!"
As a master of disguise, I have enjoyed a long career in the movies. I began in 1964 as Dick van Dyke's bamboo stick in 'Mary Poppins'. I then went on to play other classic roles: John Voight's hat in 'Midnight Cowboy', Clint Eastwood's shoulder holster in all five 'Dirty Harry' movies, Chewbacca's ammunition belt in the first 'Star Wars' film, Indiana Jones' bullwhip in 'The Last Crusade', Bruce Willis' vest in the first two 'Die Hard' films and the iceberg in 'Titanic'. More recently I have played Aragorn's left boot in the 'Lord of the Rings' trilogy.
It never rains in Glasgow.
No, it's just 100% vertical humidity.
Rain puddles are sentient, and should never be splashed but allowed to leave on their own accord.
Around the world in 80 days.........pah...........no big deal I can get around the block in less than 8 minutes............
I went around the world in a cheese, dazed.
I bet that was grate!
I spent my gap year living in Whales. My favorite was the humpback.
Whales are made of slate and were nearly hunted to extinction during the 19th/20thC.Their bodies were cut into "slates" and used as roofing material.
The Welsh are famous for the manufacture of "slate". They dug huge quarries and pits to keep the whales in so as to make slate production much easier.....oops time for my medication................
Herman vonstankwurg invented the nodding donkey in 1843. He found by attaching a small pump to the muzzle of a donkey that he was able to pump up to 3 barrels of oil a day..........
Practice jactitation, it will improve your chances with the opposite sex.
Him who first coined the adage "i think, therefore i am" could not be reached for comment.
Yes, sorry, I was out when you called.
Bill Gates is the devil incarnate. (oops, sorry, this game is for outrageous lies, not for stating the blindingly obvious)
My real name is William Gates. (phew, that's better, normality has been restored)
Robert (Bob) Fenwick of Little Oulton invented Cor Blimey Trousers as an aid to ice skating in 1832. The trousers contain an inflation device made from a pigs bladder and a length of red rubber hose. If the unlucky skater should fall on the ice the trousers would inflate thus providing a soft cushion and saving the said skater form injury. They were often woven with brightly coloured stripes (aka clown pants).The name was derived from the often mutterd calls of onlookers seeing the trousers in operating mode!!
The only surviving pair of said cor blimey trousers belong to Laurence Llewelyn Bowen. He bought them from Jonathon Ross, who inherited them from Barbara Cartland.
Barbara Cartland was Bob Fenwick's housekeeper from 1829 to 1856, when she was sacked for stealing the family silver which she sold to to fuel her Opium habit.
She later became an opium dealer and had a number of famous clients, including Sherlock Holmes. She supplied him without charge after he solved a little problem she had, as recounted by Dr Watson in "The Wrinkled Lady's Cat"
Dr Watson came around to my house and was puzzled by the sight of a tree full of yellow chickens. I said, "that's a lemon hen tree my dear Watson."
Ouch, that's bad!
The phrase/word/acronym 'OK' (sometimes expressed as "Okay") comes from the Middle English repsonse to local woodchoppers enquiring of the squire "Is it permissible to chop down the stand of trees in the bottom forty?" and subsequently receiving the response, "If it's oak, aye".
For breakfast this morning I had lightly toasted antelope buttocks spread with butter made from the milk of the Indonesian pigmy elephants, all washed down with a glass of freshly squeezed kitten juice.
Vertical is the new horizontal.
[Dujon]Scarily plausible!
I am Freddie Starr, and I actually ate two.
35⅓°15'22" is the new vertical.
</lie>I thought the HTML entities defined a third? Oh well.<lie>
When vertical is indistinguishable from 16-22i°52'19-92i"", then Cthulhu will rise.
I &club; Cthulhu.
</lie> DAMMIT! <lie>
I did not mean "I ♣ Cthulhu", I meant "I ♠ Cthulhu". I am Rolf Harris.
The opposite of antelope is decelope. penelope is unamused.
€pean right now, so you might want to change your trousers.
Saddam Hussein was recently given a colonic irrigation. The old-school members of the US Dept. of Defense still cling to the ideaology that "The enema of our enemy is our friend".
A friend of mine recently decisively won an ale-drinking contest. He describes it as a "Whoopin' of Bass consumption".
Posting lies is not nearly as fun as reinstalling Windows XP.
Rolf Harris and Ralph Nader are the same person. You've never seen them together, have you?
Durham cricketers Graham Onions and Philip Mustard are forming a rock band called "The Condiments". Early reviews claim that listening to them is "like wearing a mentholated prophylactic".
Actually, Harris and Nader have only pursued seperate careers since the breakup of their soft roots-rock due Rolf 'n' Ralph in the late 1970s. They never really survived the ill-advised decision to go electric.
Mentholated prophylactic was going to be the name of my bands first album but we were persuaded not to use that title by our PR team, who chose the title Dreams of Pain! Needless to say we only sold 3 copies and now make a living writing jingles for Radio Omsk..........
Alvin Toffler is about to release a new book. In a change of direction he has penned the tome as advice to those Germans who are considering starting a vineyard from scratch. It will be called "Future Hock"
Oops, my leg has just fallen off.
This is not the first time I have every posted to this site.
....and I mean ever..
MRSA makes a great sandwich filling and is freely available both in the community and in hospital. Its a much tastier treat than Sudamonas and smells less too!
If you meet the Great Cthulhu in the street, always make a joke or pun about tentacles. He loves those.
Felix the Cat, is, infact a large black and white mouse in disguise!!!
[widey] That comes as a severe shock to Postman Pat.
"Forgive me Madam, but i must refute the assumption that i was ogling you. It is a guarded secret that i possess x-ray vision in my lazy eye and being a man of secular science devoted to the fairer sex i was alarmed at a small malignancy within your upper torso, although it turns out it was the second button of your blouse. Rest assured, the low level of radiation you were exposed to by my roving orb is well below the accepted standards and, aside from a momentary flush of color to your epidermal layer, it is essentially harmless provided you quickly drink this glass of elixir i have summoned from yonder bartender."
That's just the sort of thing I can imagine the original Falstaff saying...
I have hundreds of good chat up lines.
I have hundreds of bad ones.
[Deek] I don't wanna hear any of them!
Women are made to nurture
Men are made to break.
"Did i ever tell you why I give up manual labor? I was hauling freight up from Darby one afternoon in the most Hellacious drouth this country has ever seen, why it was so hot my wagons wheels were glowing red and the nails soon melted outen my horses shoes, matter of fact my lead horse Milo throwed his sole remaining shoe and it landed in the draw ahead of us where it fairly upset a poor chap of a field mouse whom was attempting to hang himself from a thistle to escape the climate, the said mouse then tried to flee across the asphalt but when at the center of the highway his feet caught fire and before he'd got to the other side he was engulfed in a conflagration of flames that straightway careened into the ditch and bounced out into a hayfield where it sparked a brush fire that was burning so infernal hot that it [by it i mean the brush fire-not the mouse, as i am afeared the mouse was consumed in the conflagration] promptly [dropped and rolled] and near smothered itself out before I could get there to assist it in climbing up onto my wagons bed to be transported to the Haliburton Burn Clinic where a team of burn specialists began treating it around the clock with cold packs and icicle drips and antibiotics to bring the blisters back down and make it burn with less intensity as a proper flame should. Well after that incident i could never take the sun again and the doc told me to stay indoors and imbibe lots of liquids and i ain't one to go against no man of science, however, there was this other occasion....."
I used to be the patient of a child psychologist. It never really worked out as he was just too young.
Strangely, I used to be a child psychologist till I grew out of it.
The story of Ali Baba in fact features far more than forty thieves, but the other four hundred and sixteen were not credited just to keep the titles short enough.
Not only did Sceherazade tell many stories, but you should have seen what she could do with a dried pea!
"Gorgon" was in fact a cleaning product designed specifically to clean up bloodstains. The formula is now lost, however, which is why you just don't get the same class of clean cut (and above all blood spatter-free) heroes these days.
The minotaur was named for a small cairn on the South Downs.
Donald Rumsfeld speaks fourteen languages, a feat surpassed only by Robin Cook's mastery of twenty six distinct tongues. However, Rummy has the advantage of knowing languages that other people speak.
The first big wheel was made from old bronze spears captured during the Punic Wars. The gods prevented it from being called a ferris wheel because it was not made of iron.
J K Rowling's elfin character Dobby is to be joined in the next book by another elf called Dubby whose sole aim in life is to ensure boots and shoes are thoroughly cleaned and waterproofed. He becomes Harry Potter's enemy when the protowizard starts wearing new fangled training shoes made from artifical fabrics which do not require Dubby's leather-nourishing attentions.
The Norwegian explorer Thor Heyerdahl earned his name by renting one too many Indian takeaways sold by cairn-dwelling vendors.
Each of my toes is painted a different colour of the rainbow.
Chess is easy. I win all the time.
Baked beans are manufactured by the very careful use of an adze on specially grown balsa wood staves. A single tree can yield as many as three beans!
The film "Total Recall" is a complex allegory of the political system of Uzbekistan, where the Upper Uzbeks hold life and death control over the majority of the population there. The analogy between corporate control of air and water in the film and the Upper Uzbeks' stranglehold on the supply of retsina and marshmallow is plain to see. One day the Lower Uzbeks will gain easy access to those rich deposits in the Ramalamadingdong Range...
Purple is just blue that has failed its purity test.
Bumble bees can go as long as twenty minutes without making a mistake.
Mistakes are what I eat for my evening meal when the wife goes away.
A 'Continental Breakfast' is a wonderful welcome to the new day and is a terrific introduction to local produce, delicacies and the like.
'Breakfast' and 'lunch' are marketing terms designed to loosen your wallet stud. 'Tea' on the other hand is a euphemism for 'Over the yard arm'. An invitation to 'Dinner' means 'We're having a piss-up, would you like to come?'
Should someone send you an invite with "BYO" appended it means it's a serious dinner.
I once received an invitation, which I accepted, to some sort of 'do' organised to recognise the contributions made by the Scots and Irish - along with a salute to the 'Little General' - to current world economics. Unfortunately the only thing that I can remember about the whole episode was waking in a hospital bed.
Parmesan cheese was invented as a form of torture for those with sensitive noses.
Asparagus is a more refined form of Parmesan cheese. (qv)
The myth that oysters are an aphrodisiac was initiated by a woman.
In the army the term 'short back and sides' means that the barber will turn you into a lean, mean fighting machine.
Skinheads are people with floppy faces.
Cassius invented McDonalds.
A seven course meal in Australia consists of a meat pie and a six-pack.
Have you ever seen the bronzed warriors, sometimes known as 'iron men', with muscles on their gut? They are the ones who have never learned how to use a ring-pull.
when TROLLing a slight twist of the forearm as you swing your CLUB will send the head sailing a good fathom farther
also, a slight follow through of the shoulder will increase your drive by threefold
and when taken by complete surprise the wind, escaping through the gaping cavern of the poet's astonished maw, makes a lovely SCREAMing sound as the dented cranium careens over the castle gate
and it makes quite the impression when it lands
all TROLLing ventures must must meet unanimous approval by the FAMILY
[as per hunting season and number of tags issued via maturity and specie of poet/ess]
however, i must impose a 3 cent tariff on all bullyings, beheadings, bludgeonings, and abductions conducted within my ceremonial stomping grounds [payable direct or collectible by my goon squad] GRUNT! GRUNT! SLOBBER! GRUNT! and DROOL!
~TROLL †
Trolls do not exist!
Reading the "221b Acre Street" game in the Yorkives is a healthy way to spend an evening. Well, into the night too.
Postmans Knock is a type off illness.........Raw knuckles and swollen knee joints are good indicators of Postmans knock. It should be treated with a pint of ice cold Guiness and a meat pie therapy.........
Its taken me 40 years to realize I can neither spell nor type correctly........oh bugger!!!
Gob-y-degan is a great spot to eat cheese and pickle sandwiches, but not when its windy!!
Using the wonder that is intel/centrino mobile technology I am able to log onto the Tint'ernet whilst sitting in the comfort of my outside toilet!
"Be vewy vewy kwiet, I am hunting WABBITS!"
One is a figment of one's own imagination.
Two is a get together of a schizophrenic one and his alternate personality.
The Inuit use stuffed Penguins as decoys against attacks by Kangeroos.
You may see an inkspot but I see a penguin dropped from high altitude.
Sligo is the world centre of excellence for potato growing
The only man who ever managed to control nipple creep was Napoleon Bonaparte.
The only way is up.
I can project my thoughts into your head merely by typing them here.
A projectile is a roofing material launched into place via trebuchet.
A speed camera will not work if you hold your breath as you drive past it.
Nothing says I love you like a sodium saucepan.
Men with buckets on their heads are always called Stalin.
The World Compound Forming Championships will be held next March.
I have spent the last half hour sucking sand through a straw into my mouth.
When the temperature reaches 88 degrees fahrenheit, the universe reboots. But it does it so quickly no-one notices.
King Sweb ruled Britain from 1435 to 1437.
Anyone spelling the word "weird" incorrectly is, in theory, liable to being deported.
"Square Peg's" and "Round Holes" are both plumbers firms from Doncaster.
The city of Jerusalem is entirely constructed from bananas.
Creating postcards from playing cards sellotaped together and then posting them to someone in the next county is a healthy thing to do.
Hamburgers are made from hampster meat.
I did not deliberately incorrectly spell "hamster" in the previous entry.
Ken Livingstone is in fact the shell of a human being hollowed out and robotically controlled by a newt from the inside.
Horoscopes are ALWAYS right.
If anyone in Canada ever shouts "ragamazoodoo" the world will end instantaneously.
Mullets - the height of fashion indeed.
The saying "Where there's muck there's brass", is total bollox. I've been upto my armpits in various types of tish for the last week or so (mostly human !!!) and I'm still skint!!
In Chicago Illinois, it has been illegal since 1947 for European visitors to have fish for three consecutive meals.
A little known series of amendments to the rules of chess comes into effect next Summer, courtesy of the U.S. Sports Writers' Association and FOX TV. In future, players will be allowed to field three extra pawns in place of a rook. Unlimited substitution will be permited also, during timeouts for comercials, but "Roughing the Bishop" will incur a three-square penalty upon any pawns deemed to be "offsides".
I don't remember being very good at this game. Allegedly.
This time, however, I'm definitely going to win.
No man is an island, but one girl is. Her name is Tracy.
One tyme I got stuck on an Island, but her name wasn't Tracy.
I won a free trip to an island called Traphick, I was told it's near Rhodes.
All Rhodes lead to Rome
Keith Floyds sister Pink is opening a new cafe in Manchester, selling authentic Victorian take-away meals...........
A clock accurate to less than half a second each second can easily be manufactured using a piece of string not less than nineteen inches long, fourteen blueberries, and the juice of a Seville orange.
The borogroves are unusually mimsy this afternoon.
On my spare Tuesdays, I like to ride a cock-horse through the markets of Didcot. I have made twenty appearances in the local press in this way.
Clams have a little-suspected sense of humour. They frequently like to congregate on the sea bed and watch old episodes of The Golden Girls
Oysters, on the other hand, prefer the 24 hour news channel.
French steeplejacks will often utter the word 'Botkin' for no apparent reason whatsoever.
Light can travel at the speed of light.
The Earth's core is an amalgam of molten rock, biscuits and very hot jam.
Cows are wonderful for urban gardens as they moo the grass.
Strip mines are very popular with spectators because of all the naked women who work there.
The mantle in your gas light is made from the very best Harris Tweed.
Paraffin is made from the flight feathers of parrots and the dorsal fins of sharks.
It is widely known, amongst paraffin connoisseurs, that the Blue MacCaw and the Great White combine to make the best quality paraffin. The most common, and cheapest, paraffin is the budgie / tiger shark blend.
The archer's targets are 70 meters away. That is about as far as they run in the 100 meters. </lie>(Or something like that, heard during Olympic commentary).<lie>
But Lord Archer made 81 meters. </lie>If TBT said it, it must be true!<lie>
I'm in denial
No you're not.
Theatre reviewers all have to abide by a special EU code to maintain the supply of certain adjectives. There are quotas for particular descriptors, and the reviewer gets subsidised for using them. The quality of the show reviewed is immaterial.
Benjamin Disraeli amused himself by bringing a new handbag every time he made an appearance in the Commons. To raucous approval by members, he would hold the handbag aloft before speaking. It was the foundation of a tradition and all Prime Ministers since have brought a purse or clutch bag to the Commons, usually discreetly concealed in the lining of their trousers.
I stopped running Marathons when they changed the name to Snickers........"What you been doin mate?" "Oh I've just ran the London snickers!"..........
Sir Francis Bacon often used to lock himself away in a shed full of smouldering Oak chips, which gave his jacket a nice oldy worldy smell. He was often referred to as Old Smokey!!!
He also ran around in the nude a good bit.
Paula Radcliffe has been given the Key to the Town of Finisham.
If you chipped away the stone facade of the Arc De Triomphe, you would find it is constructed entirely of encyclopaedias.
I had a nice dry camping holiday in Cornwall this year.
Oh no, he's back. I'm off!
You can get red Mexican hot sauce out of clothing by gently rubbing the stain with green Mexican hot sauce.
Banks are the most understanding and helpful of institutions and not at all mercenary.
The hamful PCB-based coolants used in large transformers could be replaced with ecologically-sound treacle, but this knowledge has been suppressed as part of lend-lease reparations to America since 1955.
I rule the world!
Its a little known fact that Biffo the bear (of Beano fame) was the inspiration for the Cybermen in the Dr Who TV series!
Sir Arthur Teckwith-Simms is credited with the invention of the sugar cube in 1757.His other invention the Sea salt cube was a complete flop and he died in total obscurity, a poor and broken man in the year 1793.
I got to work in 12 seconds this morning. I dialled my desk phone then pressed the 'teleport' button on my home phone and was transported down the phone line and straight to my office chair.
I'm stuck in my phone at work after trying Deek's method, forgetting that I left my Voicemail on*BEEP* I can only be visited for 25 seconds at a time by dialling my direct line and leaving a message.
Badgers are actually members of the cat family, and make splendid house-pets.
Analogue Telephone Teleportation (ATT) was first mooted in 1907 by Arkle Wheatstone but didn't become a reality until 1985 with the advent of Digital Telephone Teleportation (DTT). Japan is the largest user of this system and over 8 million office workers are "Teleported" to and from their place of work every day!
The signalling device attached to early telephones (i.e. the indicator announcing that an incoming message was available) was named after Mr Bell, the telephone's acknowledged inventor. The alternative term, quickly discarded, was vibrator.
Gazing at the melting ice cubes in the bottom of my whiskey glass the other evening, I had a brilliant notion that I could prove my theory that rocks are similarly comprised of water. Sadly, the goldfish died after 3 minutes.
[Gold]fish are NOT made of gold but entirely of the mineral pyrite.
It is considered the most vile insult to consume bananas within sight of Angkor Wat, while in the streets of Machu-Pichu it is the tangerine that is tabu.
Ye gods, it's good to be back at work!
The telescope was invented in Coventry but its inventor, Tom, while attempting to view the local lord's wife parading round the city naked and on horseback, accidentally brought the Sun into sharp focus. Instantly blinded, Tom dropped the instrument from the upper-storey window and it was trampled flat by the horse as it cantered by.
Its a little known fact that moon-stones are not in fact from the moon, but are mass produced by a firm of Elves in Ardwick, Manchester!
I would be far happier if there was just the one MC server.
I didn't miss this site during its downtime at all.
Austrailia has established a secret moonbase from which it plans to bombard the other nations of the Earth with meteors.
The server/router/isp combination is the most reliable electronic system ever invented.
[Sleep] is unencesasry. i hvae styaed akawe six dyas striahgt and hvae sfufred no ill effcets.
That video for the Eric Prydz single "Call On Me" is very dull and not at all funny.
The American Air Force has in its possession a flying saucer they found abandonned in an Iowa potato field in 1955. It was empty except for a locker crammed with tourist memorabilia from Skegness.
I've been suffering from skegness for years. Every day I feel more and more skeggy.
Whales thrive on the occasional treat of crude oil, which provides essential organic minerals and makes for a glossy coat.
I have a whaleskin coat, it's blue with a dash of sperm and sports a humpback rear.
And I am not sorry for being so bold.
Elephants are driven into a murderous rage at the sight of a homburg. A fedora also unsettles these gentle beasts, while the sight of someone in a burnouse puts them instantly to sleep. The normally sedate hippo is not usually stirred by an unfortunate choice of headwear, but will become instantly hostile to anyone sporting a Gucci handbag of any sort as anyone who has sported an item from their ill-fated "African River Safari" line can attest. Giraffes attack when confronted by a bearded face.
Must see television over the next few weeks will be The Farm.
My sister Wendy is a Managing Director of a local firm. Her hobbies include fashion and yoga.
She recently won an national award for her part in writing a humorous programme about roofing support.
The headline in our local paper read "Trendy Bendy MD Wendy Wins Rafter Laughter BAFTA".
Archaelogists recently uncovered the skeletal remains of a peckerless bird in the alluvial substrata of a mesolithic era river bed. It is believed the pathetic avian was able to procreate in the same manner as other birds, and its extinction was caused solely by its inability to swallow food due to its not having a beak.
All clocks manufactured in the city of Magdeburg in 1542 counted 59 seconds to the minute because of a legal ruling based on an argument between two philosophers as to whether or not the sixtieth second should be counted as "second zero", the start of the next minute rather than the end of the current one. This state of affairs persisted until January 18th 1543 when the law was overturned, but by then local time was so badly out of whack that they had to insert an extra Thursday every other week for almost six months to fix things. To this day, Magdeburg is officially still a minute and a half behind everyone else.
"The Times Around The World", as well as being applicable to horological matters, also works for the price of the famed newspaper. Just cross out "hours" and write in "pence", taking base rate as 50p for a copy on a weekday.
Time is variable and therefore has no place in the day-to-day world.
Although Mrs. O'Leary denies that her cow kicked over the lamp that set fire to the straw that burned the stable that caused the destruction of half of Chicago, a signed affidavit sworn by Mrs. O'Leary, states: "... at about 9 p.m. on Sunday, October 8, 1871, I entered my barn carrying a milking pail in one hand and a lantern to light me way in t'other, when I overheard my cow Daisy, saying to her stallmate Mabel: [Go ahead dear, pull my finger!]"
Mark Lamarr's Ma marks llama marks on Mark Lamarr's llama alarms.
"Jampo! Jampo! Salioo-lilly Jampo!" is the war-cry of Her Majesty the Queen.
Xylophones are illegal in Bolivia
I'M NOT AT WORK!
Ovaltine is made up of 2 parts Silica sand to 1 part house dust. If PVA glue is added (dose to be calculated using Windthropes rule of Stodge)It makes a great substitute crack filler, for Adobe brick houses!
Nikolai Tesla once ran an otherwise conventional car for 18 miles on molasses diluted with black coffee, which was why he was killed by agents of the petroleum industry.
"Does anyone have the correct time?" It appears I forgot to rewind my sundial.
An estimated 92% of the world's counterfeited goods have at some time passed through the paws of a Panda. These seemingly innocuous animals have the most sophisticated distribution network ever conceived by the criminal mind. Actual figures are secret, but an independent expert has calculated that at least 5% of the western nations' GNPs are now bled away by law enforcement initiatives directed against the Chinese Panda Menace.
During a long journey by car, I often stop to urinate- sometimes I get out for a walk too.
Buying a used submarine is most likely to be the second most expensive purchase you'll ever make. With a used submarine check from the AA our qualified engineers can reveal the car's true condition.
I proof-6read well
The platypus can run at over 85 mph in short bursts, and by virtue of its telescopic legs and stretchy skin may glide for long distances to save energy as it hunts fruit bats, its favourite prey.
The principles of the Domino effect are often mis-understood. The basic rule is that if 2 pizzas of the same format (same size,topping, etc) come into close proximity of each other (< 1 meter) then a chain reaction caused by actions of the "Henstrech" field (in both pizas) will cause an atomic chain reaction. The formtion of a sub molecular "black hole" is not uncommon. Although the effect is often no more than subdivisonal slippage and a folding of both pizzas in on themselves. A similar reaction can be caused by carrying a single pizza on the rack of a small motor scooter.............
In venice it is illegal to ridicule the Gondoliers when they are in costume.
I'm ever so pleased that it looks like we've got the rodent back for another three years. *sigh*
When in Venice you must never be tempted to feed the Gondolas
It is both illegal and impractical to travel the streets by Gondola- though often very tempting!
I have just discovered that my best friend is a Thespian
The last 3 postings were made using recycled electrons- because I care.
The last one, and this one are not.
No matter how hard I search, I cannot find a saddle for my seahorse
Seahorses are really the remnants of an ancient race, which pre-date humanity by over 36 years.
Porpoises and Dolphins both have a great sense of humour and a love of practical jokes. This is evidenced by their invention of the sonic controlled fin.
Chimpanzees are genetically predisposed to Catholicism, while Gorillas epouse Lutheran doctrine. Lemurs tend toward Satanism in its many forms, which explains why they were persecuted throughout the middle ages.
The EU quota for Cumulo-nimbus clouds has been exceeded for this year, as a result Ireland and Portugal will have their cloud cover reduced in November, until the price of tambourines recedes to an acceptible level. France can maintain there current level output due their incopatibility with other global weather systems.
If you slam a Mini-Metro door on a giraffe's genitalia, it's cry can be used to lure albinos from their hammocks.
When participating in presidential debates do not wear a brazier.
E-Mail spam is a thing of the past thanks to pro-active legislation by governments and international cross-discipline cooperation in the IT world.
i am cool
The Neolithic Era - which is popularly belived to have occured way back in times of yore - actually took place in 2000, upon the strength of the popularity of the first 'Matrix' film. A set of Commemorative Lithographs of Keanu Reeves were released and sold on numerous websites for a fortnight. Demand was so high that these items sky-rocketted in value within days, after shrewd collectors bought them upon mass, and for the next 18 months, the entirety of the World's Economy was in flux, and centred around Traders offering these memorabillia on eBay at the price of an average Third World country's debt.
Joss Stone isn't a type of stone at all! It is infact a type of Malaysian hard Wood!!
All lumberjacks look like lovely ladies.
I have observed the enemy among us!!! Mosquitoes. Mosquitoes are specially equipped robotic drones responsible for the alien abduction of countless persons each night. Traveling freely to and from their homeworld, located in a parallel universe, via wormholes in common garden veggies such as pumpkin, cantelope, sweet corn, and cabbage-leaves [to name just a few] mosquitoes are conducting clandestine experiments requiring our stolen DNA. What was that sound......? Oh dear god....they are outside my window as we speak [monitoring my keystrokes]. I am doomed! doomed I tell you! They will come for me tonight. I will die a martyr! viva la revolucion!
I once worked in the Library at University, where I was assigned to the cattle-logging department. It proved too difficult a task for me to master, seeing as I had had no prior training as a Lumberjack.
You'll never see me buying a "Girls Aloud" single. Oh no.
A US NTSC Playstation II can be induced to produce an acceptable UK PAL compatable signal at its RF modulator by striking the case smartly 10-12 times with an ordinary ball peen hammer. Then it is simply a matter of adjusting the line voltage of the power supply from 110 volts to a nominal 240 volts (actually 220 but close enough) by microwaving the unit for 3 minutes on the "Frozen Chicken" setting of your oven. Japanese game cartridges can be made to play in English by soaking them overnight in a bowl of cider vinegar with a pinch of table salt added.
{b]The Sun[/b]... we love it.
Bollocks.
In one province of Vietnam it is said two Bollocks were hitched to a plow and the frightened water buffalo ran away dragging them through the rice paddies.
I jumped from a runaway locomotive and landed here!!! Dear Lord, somebody roll me back onto the tracks, pleeeease.
I have the world's largest collection of cubic centimetres.
I went to a disco in a quarry. It was the pits.
I went to an all you can eat eatery, but when I asked for seconds, the waiter set my watch back thirty.
The finest and most elaborate to prepare dish in the world is Lapin aux Headlights, the cooking of which requires a two-ton truck with a big hook, a small clutch of weasels, a sack of oatmeal, of which just 1% will be used in the final dish, and a variety of exotic postage stamps. It is considered bad form for the chef ever to meet the diner, and if they ever do meet in subsequent years, are by convention obliged to touch bottoms together in the nearest estate agents' before running away to separate continents.
I find the last recipe suggestion utterly, nay, compellingly mouth-watering.
In that case you'll love my licourice wellingtons.
The part of Chewbacca in the crackerjack space adventure movie Star Wars was originally offered to Danny DeVito. The suit and prosthetics were already made for him when he was forced to pull out of the project (due to a prior commitment to play Ulysses S. Grant in a musical version of the Battle of Gettysburg) and the costume was re-tailored for the replacement actor using bits of Lucas's shag-pile rug. If you look closely at an unretouched print you can clearly make out the alterations since the colors and naps do not match.
The practice of pigeon-duelling has now been successfully outlawed in 50 local authorities of the UK.
Humans are the only species of animal that have not learned to walk on all fours.
McDonalds in Place de Concorde, Paris is now offering McLapin aux Headlights, a fast-food version of the celebrated gourmet dish. After a trial period, it is planned to roll it out to all McDonalds in France, Spain, Greece and Latin America. It is not expected to be added to the British menus though, due to national views on the whole "bottom" thing (which the naughty French take in their stride and other nations positively revel in).
I've just walked into a lamp post. It's cramped and suprisingly dark, I hope I can get out.
That's nothing. I changed into a pair of trousers earlier.
I'm thrilled skinny to be back at university.
Healthy teeth and gums may be ensured by chewing a small wad of aluminium foil for ten minutes each day, being sure to work it around the molars. The foil should not be swallowed after use, but saved in a convenient place until it can be sent to Blue Peter to buy "hearing-ear" guide dogs for the deaf.
Herrings, when placed up the nose of a colleague, make excellent adornments for a party.
Fortunately for connoiseurs of Star Wars wishing to investigate Chewbacca's costume discontinuity, there are myriad copies of unretouched prints. George Lucas has an astonishing reverence for the history of his work and under no circumstances would he modify the original films or modify significant character elements.
Military organisations like to choose cute names ("Operation Sealion", "Operation Mincemeat") for their secret plans, but this is a comparatively recent habit, and was only introduced by the British in the first world war, after the catastrophic failure of "Operation Secret Plan to invade Germany via a secret expedition to the Southern Baltic, landing just around Danzig on August 7th, at 5pm or later if tea delayed."
In the early seventies I owned a dog named Bonzo who had surprisingly musical doo-dahs. The rest is history.
I found your "Military Operation Naming" entry to be the most unamusing thing I've seen in ages, Projoy. I won't be showing that one around the office.
Fourteen Pro Plus before a nine hour shift at a leading supermarket is an excellent idea, it makes you efficient, happy and very pleased to see customers.
Similarly, if you are stuck for something to do, I recommend moving. It's pleasant, easy, and helps you make friends easily. Perhaps the best part is wondering, once it's all over, where all those mysterious cuts and wounds came from.
Hamsters prefer Led Zeppelin.
... whereas caged guinea pigs are likely to spontaneously combust if subjected to the first fifteen bars of Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit.
It is forbidden by law to remove a carpenters bicycle saddle, unless you intend to replace it with a red onion.
It is forbidden by law to purchase a single red onion. They may only be bought in quantities of two or more.
In Macclesfield you can only buy red onions if you also buy seventeen herrings, and give the correct password.
Not all onions are easily read, fortunately these are available in braille for the seeing impaired.
h4xxORZ r00l ur @$$
Computer viruses were predicted by Nostrodamus according to Erica Cheetham in her book The Nostradamus Codex - A Translation For A New Millenium. Book 4 century 52 is now redacted to read:
The silent press ascendant
The New World talks to Naples
Diminutive maleness abolished for all
A great crashing around the world

and book 7 century 3 has been translated as:
The first will be last
Gill T. Base ascendant o'er all
The world falls at his feet
At this time a buffer underrun exploit shall undoeth I.E. e'en after XP SP2
Norstradamus was patial to wearing high heeled shoes and being called 'Susie' most weekends, and bank holidays. It is with great shame that one of his lesser known publications, penned while in this guise, entitled "It's only a vegetable" failed to even sell one copy.
It is generally accepted that Nostradamus was immune to Bubonic Plague (or as it was known to him, "La Plague Bubonique) but what is not so widely known is that Nostradamus was a martyr to athlete's foot. Indeed, the savant comments on this himself according to Erica Cheetham in her 1978 translation Visions of Apocalypse: The Centuries of Nostradamus. From Book 2, century 37:
Mischance assails the master from all sides
Prudent choice of footware avails naught
Nor medicinal creams soothe
At this time the podiatrists are whipped through the streets
Pelgis' keyboard has come over all queer. It's got wandering rs syndrome.
So has my friend Scott, but we don't talk about it.
Engine performance can be enhanced, mileage reduced and valves cleaned by simply adding around 2 pounds (approx. 1 Kilo) of ordinary household white sugar to a each full tank of petrol. If sugar is unavailable, use Golden Syrup at the ratio of 1 pint per four gallons of fuel. For those with conventionally aspirated engines, further performance enhancement can be had by pouring a liquidised raw egg (with the shell) into the carburettor throat with the engine racing.
I've just been to the gym.
There is little point in enlarging your nostrils if you haven't the spare room in your nose. If you require an extension to your nose, try the yellow pages. (Is that approximately right?)
On the other hand, no-one is going to try and stop you
I wonder whether you have ever been driving and, on cresting a hill, found a wonderful vista spread out before you; one of those scenes which makes you feel totally at peace with the world and gives you the impression that you can fly. I have. The car, of course, was a write off.
Nose extensions fall under the parliamentary bill passed in 1972 which prevents any nose over 65 being extended more than two inches without the consent of any persons sharing conjugal space, work space or a car with the owner of said appendage.
Pinocchio was sixty-four.
I'm truly looking forward to giving my seminar presentation this week. I feel confident, calm and prepared, and the presentation itself is full of interesting insights and structured analysis of Chekhov's writing.
</lie>[nights] You are taking this Star Trek infatuation too seriously.
[Dujon] I think that one was in fact true, and therefore challenge you to disprove it formally.<lie>

One can safely speed on the British motorway network if one first takes the precaution of preparing a sign made from shirt-package cardboard on which the words "Brain Surgeon on Urgent Call" have been written in fat felt tip pen. This should be taped to the interior of the passenger-side windscreen, word side out. Make the letters as big as you can and use dark colours so the cameras can get a clear image.
In twenty minutes, you will find more good sense here in half an hour than you will anywhere else in a month (or possibly more).
Fact........Captain Nemo couldn't swim and wasn't in fact a captain. He was only a lance corpral............
I'm sure I did well on that vocabulary test.
For better handling, rotate your shock-absorbers when you rotate your tyres. The pattern for Tyres varies by make and model, but the rotation pattern for shocks is fixed on all non-McPherson Strut-equipped vehicles. It is a seven station rotational pattern: Nearside front to offside front, offside front to rear floor of passenger compartment, rear floor of passenger compartment to nearside rear, nearside rear to offside rear, offside rear to boot, boot to space between the battery and the nearside front wheel-well, space between the battery and the nearside front wheel-well to nearside front. Vehicles fitted with McPherson strut damper units will never have to use this system since the units are designed to fail within a year and must be replaced in pairs. Vehicles fitted with rear lever shocks use a six station pattern, omitting the space between the battery and the nearside front wheel-well and rotating only front with front and rear with rear units. At this time the polarity of the battery should also be rotated to reverse electrode furring by switching the connections at the electrodes.
I care.
I-Care is the senior citizens branch of Ikea......They make cheap durable commodes from paper and stair lifts in a variety of wood grain vaneers!!
I most certainly did not laugh hysterically at that last comment in the university library, causing several people to look disapprovingly at me.
It is possible to play the saxophone quietly.

And the bagpipes.
A superflous nipple, to most people's surprise, looks astonishingly similar to an ordinary nipple. The best way to confirm the presence of an superflous nipple is to compare it to an existing and confirmed nipple; usually those which reside on your chest are conventional and most convenient.
One in every fifty sets of bagpipes contains a fifty pound note in its bag. To find it, you need to slit the bag open with a stanley knife, then use the fifty pound note to buy a new set of bagpipes. Unfortunately, this special offer has given rise to random bagpipe attacks by thugs on the streets of Ullapool, Inver Mallie and Inchrory. However, it has been an economic success for the bagpipe industry which as the result of the promotion has seen sales rise by at least 15% in every industrialised nation plus Mongolia.
She Stoops To Conquer began life as a draft for an advertising jingle, before Goldsmith saw potential in it and worked it up into a full pitch.
I have just discovered that I am one of very few people ever, to have two superflous nipples and no real ones. The only other people in the history of humanity were, Gunga Din and Sammy Davis Jnr.
Everyone Loves George Bush.
When working an eight hour shift, the incessant beeping of the till can have a midly hallucinogenic effect on the mind. colours seem more vivid, and the bing bong of the tannoy will send thousands of spiders crawling out of people's eyes.
The Farnborough International Air Show this year will feature samples of air from all over the world, including Scunthorpe. It will be the first time air has been successfully transported from Scunthorpe
If you listen to Mozart's Requiem backwards you can hear the words 'This is going to be the last bit of music I ever compose'; which is odd because Mozart spoke German.
.siht yltcaxe yas lliw ti sdrawkcab siht dear uoy fI
Unless you are a scuba diver, you are not allowed to go clubbing in Paraguay. You must take your snorkel and flippers along with you as proof of ID.
I have a pair of stilletto flippers and a diamanté snorkel for special underwater evening occasions.
I eat Ferrero Rocher not only for the chocolately nuttiness but also because of the immense air of sophistication they lend me.
There's no place like home.
I don't eat Ferrero Rocher, because they're disgusting.
[Projoy] As does Jonathan Ross.
Projoy] Ditto Jonathan Ross?
[Tuj] Yes, I have.
The most efficient method of reducing the world's over population problem is to encourage homosexuality.
I didn't think there was an over population problem in the world, but on closer inspection there must be! Its quite obvious that the population of the USA has outgrown its own land mass as their population is now frequenting other parts of the globe at an alarming rate! How long before Southport becomes the next Las Vegas???????
In the foreign news today, crowds gathered in Las Vegas at the opening of a new casiono that is themed on the English town of Southport. Besides gambling until your eyes turn inside out, the casino features two pubs, a fish and chip shop and a "Chinese take-away" that specialises in indegestible curry. No expense has been spared to give the lucky families of gamblers the authentic Southport experience, down to adding all those extra "u"s to words.
</LIE>Casiono?????. That's Cosina of course. <LIE>
The USA is having a massive joke on all of us. In fact, Ralph Nader is really the new president-elect, but all news channels and reporters have agreed to play a hilarious gag on the rest of the world and pretend otherwise. We'll find out the truth in a couple of months, and how we will all laugh!
Every vote counts.
Republicans. This is the new mantra to be taught in kindergartens. "One, two, George and John who?; three, four, let's count the score; five, six, come on all you hicks; seven, eight, forget Watergate; nine, ten, I'm back in again."
in a time past
as the council of elders
sat around the ceremonial fire
passing the pipe of knowledge
from one palsied hand to the other
they dipped their feathered quill
into ink and devised a constitution
a set of laws [house rules]
to be imposed on their children
it occurred to them
through life s experience
that youth never heed the advice of their elders
and thus
it was decided a messenger was needed
who might relay their proclamations
to the populace
but whom could they place at the podium
to deliver their ultimatums who
would not be associated with the council of elders
only a popular man of the people
someone the masses themselves elected as their champion
a chosen leader

and we shall nominate him
mocked the council of aged chieftans
while smoke billowed about their shiny heads
and the pipe passed around once more
we will nominate not one they agreed
but two candidates
and then allow the populace to decide on one of the two
and in their limited comprehension
they will believe he is their voice
let the first be a dithering dunderhead
and the second a pompous ass
and either way the vote goes
we have our say
and a good laugh
at their expense

thus ended their parliamentary collusion
with lots of congratulatory ass slapping
and after
seated on marbled benches
with garlands on their heads
they wrapped towels about their portly selves
and squeezed imported grapes past balmy lips
whilst dangling manicured toes into steamy baths
where young sensuous harlots
bathed one another in oils
rekindling memories
of lost libido s
Aboriginal Australians belief that they can walk on the astral plane by inhaling termites through a dijeridoo. Indeed, this is in fact the primary purpose of the hollow treetrunks. The whole musical instrument/circular breathing thing came about as a joke played on the first white Europeans to attempt a study of them. The same is not true of the Bassoon, which was designed as a musical instrument and only later came to be used as a nasal insect bong when the Goths brought the instrument to Italy while on their way to sack Rome.
I once took a toke of Red Leb through an Oboe, it was a totaly magical musical moment only spoilt by the fact that the Red Leb turned out to be a crushed and powderd wasp mixed with wheato-flakes!. Still its a very cheap way of getting a high (except for the cost of the Oboe)if you can wait a week or so for the dead wasp(s) to dry out........Plus it has a real sting in its tail!!!!!!
I once got the sack for being in Rome, coz I should have been at work!!
I hate the weekend.
Weekends are far more exciting that weekdays.
I like those days that fall inbetween weekends and weekdays. The so called "none" days are my fav....But, then again, I do live in a strange 5 dimensional world made up off pizza, curry and loose tea!!!
I love confusing the words "than" and "that". It gives me enormous self-esteem and truly underlines my status as a pedant.
I'm really glad that I'm poorly on a weekend and don't have to miss work, only miss a choir concert instead.
I'm really glad that my entire family is poorly on a weekend and I have to look after them all while I should be working - with little to look forward to except catching the bug and spending the rest of the week performing Wagner into a bucket.
Oh the joys of vegetable soup on a duvet!
In no way do I apologise for the previous postings.
Pelgis cannot and shall not be liable for any side-effects of electroconvulsivetherapy which will almost definitely include: substantial redesign, renovation, and refurbishment of frontal and lateral lobes, expansion of cerebral panorama; interpersonal drama; fundamental, incidental and monumental changes in karma, destiny and personal fate; transcendental states, heated debates; temporary insanity, leaning towards depravity, outbursts of profanity, experience of profundity; division, subtraction or multiplication of personality; heightened rowdiness, silliness, friendliness, loneliness, liveliness, loveliness, dizziness and drowsiness; demonstrations of flamboyance, annoyance, petulance, elegance, eloquence, indolence and somnolence; uncharacteristic incidence of indiscretion; fluctuating levels of hormones, pheromones and garden gnomes. No responsibility will be accepted for squabblers; pyscodabblers, grapplers, burblers, bumblers, fumblers, mumblers, stumblers, bunglers, and airborne wobblers. Please note children are not allowed to play with mood swings, roundabouts and roller coasters.
I have a six hour gap before my next lecture, and I'm certainly not contemplating bunking off.
neither did I go home and watch Trisha while pretending to work on my essay.
It is my birthday today, and i have celebrated by fouling my undergarments.
Powdered wasp, sometimes mixed with Wheato-Flakes and inhaled through an Obong by degenerates, is actually robbed of much of its intoxicating power when drawn through a wood tube of any kind as the tetrahydrowaspinol, the agent which provides the "sting in the tail" so highly prized by the wasp-fiend, is adsorbed readily by hardwood fibres. The resulting expansion of the fibres also renders the oboe in question permanently a good quarter-tone flat; untuneable by orchestra standards. The discerning consumer desiring a less wantonly sacrificial high should use only those woodwind instruments that are not made of wood such as the flute, all members of the saxophone family and the swanee whistle (with the slide removed) to injest their pulverised insect preparations, or to invest in a purpose-built waspbong. These pricey items can even be obtained in "stealth" designs including a very convincing oboe, which unfortunately cannot be played since the reed is cast as part of the mouthpeice and does not vibrate.
The line "That's a novel idea!" about NaNoWriMo is entirely original and will not result in the recipient of said epithet thwapping the proferrer across the bridge of the nose with any handy writing implement (eg laptop) that may be to hand.
Buying and selling a house is an inexpensive way of reducing your stress.
Bool] You do not get any sympathy from me!

I had a dismal time at a Rufus Wainwright concert last week.
Wet sand is a perfectly acceptable substitute for sewing machine oil.
Deep root fillings and tooth extraction are still the best forms of entertainment
I'm having a superb day. *sniff*
Estate agents know what they are doing.
Monochrome is a beautiful colour................unlike slate grey which is kind of drab!!
I have this overwhelming urge to stand on the desk in my cube and shout "My hovercraft is full of eels!" at the top of my voice. Excuse me for a moment.

Ah, that's better.

All submissions made on this page will appear in the 2005 World Almanac Book of Facts.
[Dunx] I am often similarly overcome by such an urge while working in *a certain well-known UK based supermarket chain*. However, I combat this by phoning my supervisor for a price check, and all is well.
why dont they make more intersting stuff about curie marie
When I'm not busy inserting catheters I like to spend my time drinking TEA and wondering how Eskimos grow Cabbages?
widey] With underfloor heating units powered by lunar energy.
...lunar energy being the energy taken from the rage of people who were given really stupid first names by their parents and never had a chance (or maybe the guts; makes no odds) to tell them how cross they were.
OK, that wasn't wholly true. Energy from people given really stupid first names by their parents who never had the guts to tell them how cross they were is actually slightly less useful than that from those who never had a chance; but that's for the nuclear physicists to deal with, not us.
I'm a nuclear physicist really, that's why I know all this.
If you travel into the jungle, you will find the most commonly growing plant to be the jam sandwich tree (meles meles). Don't try and pick its leaves, however; they are daubed in poisonous sap.
Interestingly, the jam sandwich tree smells of tulips, though many prominent biologists in the field (all female) theorise that this was more to do with the proboscis of the orignal discoverererer of the tree, Melhaus Verplank, who had achieved fame as the only person ever to discover new species of edible plant in their own nose.
If you stroke someone's nose three times in the same direction, it paralyses the brain and they instantly fall in love with you. Side effects, however, include a non-reversible coma.
The non-reversible comma was invented by Lynne Truss, and will secretly replace the old-fashioned comma at the end of this year. If misused, it leaps from the page/screen/etc and stroke's the malpunctuationer's nose three times in the same direction.
The word "malpunctuationer" was coined by Shakespeare, as in the following passage from the first scene of the uncut version of Romeo and Juliet:

"I mock thee for illit'racy, thou cur
I wouldst brand thee malpunctuationer."

The word was deemed so shocking for its Elizabethan audience it was written out after the first performance of the play, after which its title was changed from Norville and Gladys to the one we know today.

By pressing the "Submit" button, you actually succumb to global terrorism. It sends an e-mail to a randomly generated Middle Eastern extremist saying "I submit! I renounce my capitalist doghood. Yrs, etc, (name)".
My real name is Norville and Gladys. There will be prizes awarded for the best anagrams of my real name anyone can come up with. Or the most obscene.
Copying and pasting things so as to repeat them makes them more true. As such:
  • Tuj - widey] With underfloor heating units powered by lunar energy.
  • Tuj - ...lunar energy being the energy taken from the rage of people who were given really stupid first names by their parents and never had a chance (or maybe the guts; makes no odds) to tell them how cross they were.
  • Tuj - OK, that wasn't wholly true. Energy from people given really stupid first names by their parents who never had the guts to tell them how cross they were is actually slightly less useful than that from those who never had a chance; but that's for the nuclear physicists to deal with, not us.
  • Tuj - I'm a nuclear physicist really, that's why I know all this.
  • Tuj - If you travel into the jungle, you will find the most commonly growing plant to be the jam sandwich tree (meles meles). Don't try and pick its leaves, however; they are daubed in poisonous sap.
  • Tuj - Interestingly, the jam sandwich tree smells of tulips, though many prominent biologists in the field (all female) theorise that this was more to do with the proboscis of the orignal discoverererer of the tree, Melhaus Verplank, who had achieved fame as the only person ever to discover new species of edible plant in their own nose.
  • Tuj - If you stroke someone's nose three times in the same direction, it paralyses the brain and they instantly fall in love with you. Side effects, however, include a non-reversible coma.
  • Tuj - The non-reversible comma was invented by Lynne Truss, and will secretly replace the old-fashioned comma at the end of this year. If misused, it leaps from the page/screen/etc and stroke's the malpunctuationer's nose three times in the same direction.
  • Tuj - The word "malpunctuationer" was coined by Shakespeare, as in the following passage from the first scene of the uncut version of Romeo and Juliet:

    "I mock thee for illit'racy, thou cur
    I wouldst brand thee malpunctuationer."

    The word was deemed so shocking for its Elizabethan audience it was written out after the first performance of the play, after which its title was changed from Norville and Gladys to the one we know today.

  • Tuj - By pressing the "Submit" button, you actually succumb to global terrorism. It sends an e-mail to a randomly generated Middle Eastern extremist saying "I submit! I renounce my capitalist doghood. Yrs, etc, (name)".
  • Tuj - My real name is Norville and Gladys. There will be prizes awarded for the best anagrams of my real name anyone can come up with. Or the most obscene.
    • I live on Cruithne.
    "Smothinism" is the study of obscure facts about beetles, particularly those concerned with The Beatles as well. The word derives from the Greek smotos, meaning "bee", and the Latin hinere, "to tell".
    There is no such thing as aircraft turbulence. This phenomenon in fact only affects London buses, but as this seems so unlikely to those with roughly average IQ or less, special damper/converters are used to channel it to aircraft, where it is now expected.
    The number 3753 is the most uninteresting integer known to man, followed by 162 and 16777217.
    For women, the top three are (in order) 162, 3753 and 781306.
    When writing a CV, be sure to include some very basic spelling mistakes. This reassures any prospective employers that you are human after all, and they'll be sure to hire you.
    In the beginning was the Word. And the word was... plumbers.
    Trenchcoat is a disease of the ear caused by keeping too many fish in your freezer. It can only be cured by a visit to Dorking.
    Toilet humour is the new black.
    In Tanzania, elections are conducted based upon the prospective President's capacity for shouting "MOOSE!" at louder and louder decibels. Controversy ensued after the last election after allegations of cunning ventriloquism.
    The British Isles were created when the Flashcard upon which the Word (plumbers) was Written fell to Earth. This happened diametrically opposite to the present location of our fair isles, and was not only responsible for their location, but also the invention of cheese (long story).
    What I tell thee thrice is true. What I tell thee thrice is true. What I tell thee thrice is true: With underfloor heating units powered by lunar energy.
    The preceding post (minus the pseudonym "Tuj" is taken from the lyrics of a long-lost Status Quo song, their only number one hit in Poland. It was called "Muriel".
    And that should not have read:

    The preceding post (minus the pseudonym "Tuj") is taken from the lyrics of a long-lost Status Quo song, their only number one hit in Poland. It was called "Muriel".

    At present, all buildings are inclined at twenty degrees to the theoretical "axis" of Earth which would pass through their reception desk. However, as covered at www.receptiondeskconspiracies.com, this is believed to be about to change, resulting in worldwide assassinations.
    "Nodosità" is German for schadenfreude.
    There are no such things as kneecaps! This common misconception is based upon the lumps people feel on their "knees".
    I've read all of those.
    The element "Argon" was based on the dying words of its discoverererer, a Greek by the name of Etenicles. Having angered the local king with his talk of his "fascinating" discovery, the King had him beheaded, causing him to cry "Arg".
    Dunx] I am so pleased that you posted just when I was only 10 short of filling the whole page with my own lies. Overjoyed. Honestly.
    Pleasure gained from the use of the Internet is directly proportional to the screen resolution used during such pursuit.
    Contrary to the view expounded by the 'big four' beer barons alcohol consumption does not make the world go round . . . . . and round . . . . . and round ...
    It has to be said that spoons are a really useful bit of kit........Edward Joshua Peasled Spooner I salute your best invention yet....And they come in plastic now! How wonderful,,,,
    [Tuj] I thought you had finished.
    Mary Poppins did not refer to a spoonful of sugar as first thought. She was in fact considering the primitive form of angel dust/pcps. Notice how it makes the 'medicine go down' a mellow ride. It wasn't aimed at crack cocaine, since the first reaction of that obviously is an incredible high. They would have had to revise the song, 'a spoonfull of powder, helps the medicine shoot up.' And there would have been the further need of additional songs, like.. We have a boe for the dog.. giver her to me. That would have been a better song than feed the birds, tuppence a bag. I have never met any pros lately going for tuppence, and my old man says, there werent any slappers for tuppance back in his days either
    In thailand, there are 3 million tax payers. There are 1.5 million hookers. The sex industry pays a further 4 million people in indirects.. totally earning 20 billion USD a year.. If slappers here were tuppance a go, and you could harnasse the energy expended, you could replace oil as the worlds energy resource. If you could store it, there would be electricity for all. Please send a letter to Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra to back up this suggestion.
    Thailand has no welfare state.. so, the government don't tax the hookers, and let the money go straight through the love tunnel from buyer to source. Parts of northern Thailand now resemble Switzerland and Germany.. and that applies to the population as well.
    I have descovered that car windows can be easily demisted with a jam sandwich.
    Car windows are made of compressed pepper.
    My car has no windows.........or doors or an engine, it is infact a Fredrick Murgotroyd perambulatory device (aka) a skate board...........FMP, its the only way to travel (apart from all the other ways of course!)
    I have deduced by painful self experimentation that pepper spary does not make a good substitute for aftershave lotion, it does however, taste great with pizza and chips!
    spary is the dyslexic form of spray...........I rest my cesa
    I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK.
    People are rich when they've got lots of money. People are poor, when they've spent it... on donations to the conservative party.
    I like to wear odd socks. Today's are embroidered with a jaunty "Up With Bush" slogan.
    If you can hold your breath for six minutes, you will have beaten that old habit.
    cheese has finally been proven by leading scienfitic research groups as the major source of familial upsets over the festive period. This Christmas, all UK supermarkets, including *a certain well-known UK supermarket chain*, have agreed to ban its sale to anyone looking moderately cheerful, as it will almost certainly spoil what might have otherwise been an excellent Noel.
    Am I wrong, is not Condoleeza Rice the sexiest woman alive?
    Italian Rolex at throw away prices. Impress with your new Rolex. Gift someone you love with a Rolex
    Dear Client of the National Westminister Bank,
    Whilst we update our systems, we earnestly urge you to provide your data by clicking on the link below otherwise your access will be blocked and all your account can be frozen.
    http://www.natwest.net/theftofyourmoney/mugs.stm
    We thank you for your cooperation.
    First Great Western trains have the interests of the customer at heart. (yes, I've been travelling again, and no, it wasn't a good experience.)

    Sir,
    This eez a genuine letter from the former head of the Treasury of the East African state of Umbongoland. Terrible tradgey has hit our mighty country as we are now being ruled by a cruel dictator –. Before this evil man took power from our glorious Presidente I managed to divert $12m from our vaults for the use of our freedom fighters. Not is it possible for me to pay to my bank account of my own, so it is with gratitude I am asking for access to your credit card so we may liberate the money. In return of this gratious deed I agree for you to keep 10%. Please send detrail to: Wewill Conju at my temporary offices – Expresso Comfort Inns, PO Box 123, Nigeria.
    8mm plywood makes a yummy alternative to cardboard as a sandwich filling in emergency culinary situations....Jamie Oliver makes a good alternative "Twat" when the guest chef you booked to cook your dinner party fails to turn up!
    I have just returned from seeing my local doctor about a small problem which has been bothering me for years. When I left he was still on the floor laughing.
    I understand my wife.
    Skip bins are wonderful things, especially when you have about 10 tonnes of 'stuff' to move and they drop it at the top of your 1:4 driveway. This is also a great way to keep fit and in no way manner or form will threaten your wellbeing.
    It is a great day to be a fox, is it not?
    This is a message from the Central Line information centre - London Underground is happy to announce that a good service is being operated across all lines this morning. Click.
    Have you any gadgets in your sock drawer missus?
    Why are people suprised that we are having frosts and "cold spells" at this time of year...........This is Manchester not Manila!!!!! Its supposed to be cold at this time of year. I blame it on the namby pamby winters of the last 10 years making people soft. I'm glad that the government have finally realised that winters should be cold, its nice to see them getting something right for once....................................
    Because some twit in the Bureau of Meteorology pressed the wrong conversion button it snowed in Sydney yesterday, even though the temperature was 31°C.
    Travel on public transport is proven to be an effective cure and/or preventative against headaches
    The way to tell the difference between stalagmites and stalctites: stalagmites are all Scorpios, whereas stalactites are all Jewish.
    *bing bong* "First Avon and Somerset are pleased to inform all bus passengers within the Bath city area that all drivers will now be pleased to accept bus passes in any condition, no matter how battered or dogeared. That is all." (click)
    Thank you for calling . . . your call is important to us, you are held in a queue and will be answered shortly . . . [girl from ipanema 20 second loop] . . .Thank you for calling . . . your call is important to us, you are held in a queue and will be answered shortly . . . [girl from ipanema 20 second loop]...Thank you for calling . . . your call is important to us, you are held in a queue and will be answered shortly . . . [girl from ipanema 20 second loop]........ click, "Hello, customer ser...click ooooooooooooooo
    My presentation tomorrow will go just swimmingly. [/lie] Sir H, have you been on the phone to O2? [lie]
    If I leave for that meeting at 05:30 - I'll miss the queues on the M25 [Nights] Yes!
    The Nile is not a river in Egypt.
    My presentation this morning went terribly. ^_^ [/lie] [Sir H] lucky guess, being a customer myself. [lie]
    The Nile is a device used in Birmingham to secure two pieces of wood together.
    ........ just a little thing but . . .
    I live in a tree
    I live in a tree
    I live in a tree
    And nobody loves me!
    [Tuj] I've sent you a tear drenched tissue via e-mail. I do hope that it doesn't clog up the system.
    Having only ever owned manually driven vehicles and wishing to keep up with current technology I decided the other day to try an automatic. They aren't.
    Every seventh summer, all colours of the spectrum rotate one to the left (red becoming orange, orange becoming yellow, etc.). Adapt your wardrobe accordingly - preferably light cottons and knits. bonus points for spotting the quote - I'd love it if someone got it.
    I never get anything......No I tell a lie I once got measles...........
    and I'm dyslexic
    [Dujon] Message received, message decoded and acted upon. And I've donated a sample of your DNA to the authorities...
    [penelope] The clinic phoned - they want to see you as well.
    Any lifetime guarantee.
    Its sad but true, Frosties are not made from frost!!!
    Erm... I think you'll find they are.
    now now, let's have no arguments. each time you argue with someone, God kills a kitten.
    A herd of wildebeest just swept across my bedroom on their way to the bathroom. When the weather changes they will stampede back to the lounge, forcing me to stop watching the TV and go and have a bath.
    Damn, now the flamingoes have migrated into my wardrobe for the winter.
    No they haven't - aha another fluffy animal gone!
    News in - Microsoft have just released Windows [95/98/me/2000/xp - delete as appropriate] which is a much more stable platform than the previous operating system.
    compatibility problems? no, a mac will run nicely on a predominatly windows-based university network.
    Any line extended infinitely in both directions will be hard to get into your car without opening the hatchback.
    Hatchbacks are so called because that's where new cars are born from.
    Pass me a boiled sweet and add me to the list for Diabetes.
    All telephone calls originating from mobile 'phones within the underground system are automatically directed to the Head of Steam.
    (fades in)GWR FM weather: the southwest will experience an unseasonably warm spell, with temperatures reaching 25 degrees. sunny spells will continue through the day, and there will be a light yet refreshing breeze. Traffic news now, and the M4... (fades out)
    If you're unlucky enough to have to follow a staple diet, avoid strong magnets.
    Chocolate chips are best enjoyed with salt, vinegar, and a rich Hollandaise sauce.
    Ratatouille has been banned in six cities in the western United States because rats are anything but twee.
    Achilles could have been saved after the ultimately fatal blow to his heel, excpet that Paris would give him his plaster.
    I've been listening to the new radio station Philosophy FM, whose motto is "All Aristotle, all the time". Obviously it is targetting the ancients. There is a sister station, Psycho Babble AM, which is targetting the Jung crowd.
    I love testing.
    The rich seam of comedic potential just struck by Dunx's latest lies did nothing to tickle my funny bone.
    Historians and thespians alike were dismayed to discover that Shakespeare’s first theatre was a globe artichoke.
    The middle name of the current President of the United States is Warehouse.
    [Tuj: I think you're confusing him with Nixon.]
    Hurricane - I don't think so Mrs - leave the weather forecasting to us experts!
    I'd just like to say that it wasn't me!!!!!!!!
    Blocked drains can be cleared simply by playing them a recording of You'll Never Walk Alone played by a professional banjo orchestra
    The St Winifred's School Choir are not allowed within forty feet of inflammable materials by order of a Barnsbury court.
    If you close your eyes and swallow a plectrum in St Paul's Cathedral you will receive a night-visitation from Jimi Hendrix within the next forty minutes.
    I was so glad to read that the dollar is shrinking. I thought it was just that I'd forgotten to take them out of the pocket of my jeans before washing.
    I just spent a couple of minutes simply standing outside the door of my workshop. The sky was blue with a few fluffy white clouds floating around. The birds, whilst jumping around in the trees, were relatively quiet and the traffic noise was almost non-existent. A zephyr was playing touch with the leaves of the trees and the temperature about 24°C. In the distance I could hear the sound of someone mowing their lawn. I hate this time of year.
    McDonalds have been forced to drop McLapin aux Headlights from their menu in the United States owing to the recent outbreak of "Peeved Weasle" disease. It was at first thought that the domestic groundhog could be substituted, but Burger King sued as groundhog is apparently the secret ingredient in the Burger King Croissandhog™. Rather than get into a protracted fight over the rights to free-range rodents, McDonalds Corp. decided to concentrate on their new range of healthy pan-fried iguana dishes.
    I maintain at all times a calm, confident, cheerful state of mind.
    the reason I moved to Bath from the West Midlands is highly secret and not to be divulged under any circumstances (tax reasons). bother.
    All pocket lint in all pockets world wide is one multifasceted yet single concioused superentity.
    "Ferrule" can spelt in fourteen different ways, many of them utilising just the first six letters of the Cyrillic alphabet.
    The first crayons will not be produced for another seventy four years, they will by the first invention after the time machine and subsequently the firts trial.
    russian is basically the same language as english. the main differences are 1) it is spoken more angrily, 2) all nouns have -ski, -ova or -nost on the end, and 3) all verbs wear little furry shapkas.
    incidentally, [/lie], the russian word 'shapka', meaning furry hat, looks just like the word 'wanka' when written in cyrillic! how we laughed...[lie]
    Please note..............Penrith is not a Welsh town!!
    [widey] Sad, but true. And I should know, I am Welsh. And proud of it.
    Aren't we all?
    I certainly am.
    Henry Winkler only agreed to appear as the Fonz in Happy Days because it was written by Samuel Beckett.
    Since I cannot tell a lie, I must confess, I am incapable of telling the truth.
    That's the first time I've seen that paradox.
    All entries in this game are entirely original. < lie> Mine certainly are < /lie>.
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