Elephants are driven into a murderous rage at the sight of a homburg. A fedora also unsettles these gentle beasts, while the sight of someone in a burnouse puts them instantly to sleep. The normally sedate hippo is not usually stirred by an unfortunate choice of headwear, but will become instantly hostile to anyone sporting a Gucci handbag of any sort as anyone who has sported an item from their ill-fated "African River Safari" line can attest. Giraffes attack when confronted by a bearded face.

Must see television over the next few weeks will be The Farm.

My sister Wendy is a Managing Director of a local firm. Her hobbies include fashion and yoga.

She recently won an national award for her part in writing a humorous programme about roofing support.

The headline in our local paper read "Trendy Bendy MD Wendy Wins Rafter Laughter BAFTA".