Somewhere in the lonely streets of Minsk a man with a spade in his head is beating up a victim with a large coffee cup. Could this be another case for Attila the Pun?

I have been asked to make an official statement of apology by my solicitors after finding out that there is, in fact, a gentleman in Minsk who is now suffering severe injuries from an attack of the above nature. I am sorry if my remarks seemed tactless.

Whilst I would like to echo the sentiments of ZK, I cannot. I have never libelled, slandered, demeaned or snubbed any person during my visit to this planet.

Mike Oldfield seldom talks about his first album, Cubular Bells, as it's generally regarded as a bit square (although a solid piece of work).

I'm so embarrassed! I've been duped by a salesman into buying a rubber replica mobile phone. What is worse is that he has also replaced my entire family with rubber replicas too. Still, at least they are ‘bendy’.