I patented patenting. Cough up, lads.

I had prior art to defeat Tuj's patent, but someone had already patented the research of prior art and they want me to pay an exorbitant licence fee.

I conducted extensive research and realised that the Latin, Greek, Cyrillic and Arabic alphabets have never been patented, nor any other existing systems of recording language or numerology. My patent for all of them came through today, which also means that I get paid for all patents. I am now *minted* and am dictating to a secretary as my fingers are far too valuable to waste on such menial tasks as typing.

Letters were invented by Al Ferbets and it took him a year @ 1 per fortnight hence 26. He then started on numbers but died just as he reached umpteen.

Alan Titchmarsh is to star in a new programme called 'Gardeners Whirled'. In the first programme Charlie Dimmock will spend 10 minutes in a tumble drier.