Somewhere in the unfashionable suburbs, an attractive and scantily clad female has been trapped in the attic of a burning warehouse as part of a plot to swindle her inheritance. Could this be a job for "Fire-fighter Guinea-pig"?

I am diary secretary to Fire-fighter Guinea-pig and I am working very hard for little pay.

Meanwhile in Cricklewood, the Fire-fighter Guinea-pig's arch-nemesis, the Combustible Shrew, is hatching a plot for his rival's demise. And his diary secretary gets paid a lot

Schopenhauer had forty-three ducks and enjoyed chasing them around a lake in a long Benny-Hill style line.

Each day I calculate my position in relation to BBC Broadcasting House using Pythagorus' Theorem.