I am paid in quarks, which makes me a multi-multi-trillionaire.

30,000 groats is worth about 50p in stirling, or 534,678 in Euros.

I am also paid in Quark, but I have run out of chilled storage space for any more processed cheese.

I come from a long-established line of mongers. My family have been mongers for as long as anyone can remember. My father is a fishmonger, his father was an ironmonger and his father before him was a costermonger. My mother was an accomplished rumour- and scandalmonger but the spin-doctor said she had to give it up on account of her back. I thought I would go into domainmongering but my dad says its a flash in the pan and the real money is in war.

The rise of Donald Rumsfeld was foretold by Nostradamus, the ancient Mayans, the Book of Revelations, and the 12th June 1973 edition of 'Womens Weekly'.