I used to dream that I was flying in an old open biplane, but I fell out of that one.

Rudolph the reindeer had a very shiny gnome.

If you ever saw it, you'd swear it was inebriated.

We now know that Rudolph's red nose was a result of a condition brought on by alcohol abuse. Rudolph was so lonely, being cut out of all those reindeer games, that he hit the bottle, and hard. Happily, his chance to lead the sleigh in the snow gave him a new lease on life. He later joined a twelve-step program and is in his fiftieth year of sobriety. His nose is now bloated, but a pinkish grey.

In an attempt to make Dickens more accessible to the modern youth, all editions of A Christmas Carol are being reprinted with Scrooge's famous words altered to "**** that for a game of soldiers".