By wedging a whole banana into my cheeks, gabbling meaninglessly and gesticulating with gay abandon, I have often convinced onlookers that I am particularly glad to be Welsh.

Vegetarians are only posing. They eat meat privately when no one else is around.

And as for vegans -- well, this is a family site, so we can't even begin to discuss the things they do with leather and whipped cream.

Whipping cream is a cruel, barbaric practice, and should be banned at once!

What consenting dairy products do in the privacy of their own refrigerators is their own business.