I have just been ratified by sixteen foreign ministers at the UN headquarters in Geneva.

Ratification is illegal in 16 states (but not Utah, where it is obligatory), the Falkland Islands, Cuba, and occasionally Budapest.

Since the surprise handover of power in Cuba last week, the inhabitants have been spending much of their time with puzzled frowns and scratched brows as they try to fathom out the town planning alterations enacted by new President, Erno Rubik. Some tower block residents have found that they have to enter their building sideways via an outside door on the fifth floor, and then are still not sure whether their flat has moved again since they left for work that morning.

In an effort to be more accessible and interesting, the UN is replacing all its international accords with international accordions.

The Accordion Plot should have been a story in Sylvester McCoy's last season in Doctor Who, but, fortunately, the BBC pulled the plug.