Beagles are a cross between bloodhounds and eagles.
I'm not at all pleased that another lie game has sprouted up.
I'm a terrible liar.
God is made of marshmallow. This was proved by Thomas Aquinas (Summa theologia I a 8 i), but proved controversial in Spain in the late sixteenth century, when it was the cause of a rift between Jesuit and Dominican theologians.
In Warwickshire, Kippers are used as a form of currency.
Castigation can make you go blind.
In Rutland, five pound notes are eaten for breakfast, with a little butter.
Iceland is really made of ice.
My middle name is "Stegosaurus"
I find the problem with living inside a semi-detached leg is the noise from the knee bears.
I always drive at the speed limit.
"Breadmaster" is actually my name. I had a terrible time at school.
I had a terrible time yesterday - it was 93 minutes past pi.
The invisible man crashed his invisible car outside my house today. The police came to clear the crowds - "Move along now, there's nothing to see".
Neil Armstrong came round to see me today. He was completely stoned!
I only have room on my table for one dinner plate. The rest of the space is taken up by serried ranks of salt and pepper pots.
Catholics usually stay home to eat on Fridays in Lent.
Eating is illegal in Paraguay. (but not oral sex).
The Paraguayan government has invested in a little oral hygeine basin, one of which is installed next to the bed in every home.
The sun has got his hat on and he's coming out to play.
Bugger it. Every time I put my hat on it vapourises.
I'm melting in the sun. This is what they call the life.
Parsley was invented by David Dimbleby
Budgerigars have the same density as lead.
The people of the Andes have over one hundred words for Llama droppings.
The escape velocity from the moon is lower than that of the Earth because it is more easily distracted.
The White House in Washington was originally intended to be lime green.
The Washington Memorial was put in upside down.
I have never posted to this game, and never will.
Ibid needs more coffee.
Due to an appalling hearing error, I have just peeled a mandolin.
Due to an appalling hearing error, I have been using the wrong pseudonym.
So have I.
There are 1,473 medically acknowledged complaints attributed to doing housework. There is no known cure for 1,472 of them.
Due to an appalling hearing error, I am currently attached to the front of a 4x4.
Germans actually hate sausages. They eat them only as a penance when they believe they've done something truly naughty.
This is why Fat German is so fat.
<FONT FLAVOR=”butterscotch”> MMmmm. Taste this one. </FONT>
I just licked the screen and now my teeth are stuck together.
I have just licked matt and now MY teeth are mmmmffffff!
I don't want to see that.
Julie Andrews can break down into seven pieces for easy storage on transatlantic flights.
In protest at the behaviour of Jacques Chirac, I am going to dress up as a Freedom maid and freedom kiss everyone I meet, in order to promote sales of freedom letters.
Most movies are actually only 3 minutes long, but they put drugs in the popcorn.
My electricity bill is itemised by watt, and is delivered by camel.
My electricity bill is itemised by Watty, and is delivered by taping it to a football and kicking it across the Atlantic.
I don't possess a modem or even a computer. I post my comments here by making bleeping noises down the phone.
When I first knew him, George W. Bush was my P.E. teacher.
Parliament meets twice a week in my lounge, as the Commons chamber has to be fumigated on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Tony Blair is being made to follow GWB into war with Iraq as a punishment from nanny, because he wouldn't take his Castor Oil. So you see, it is all about oil.
The late Joyce Grenfell was the world's most prolific Concord pilot.
She could also whistle all of the National Anthems of the Communist bloc countries backwards through a sieve.
All the National Anthems of the Communist bloc countries are variations of the Birdie Song.
If you sing the Birdie Song backwards, you will conjure the shade of Karl Marx.
Karl Marx' shade is lilac with a hint of rose.
Hypodermic needles can only be grown if the relative humidity is above 80%.
The hole through the centre of a hypodermic needle is created by specially trained bacteria that eat metal.
Bacteria are easily trained using the 'Woodhouse' Technique.
The 'Woodhouse' Technique is illegal in most southern U.S. States and is in fact punishable by death in Texas - like most things.
I recently converted to the 'Woodhouse' Technique. As a testimonial to its effectiveness, I am happy to say that I am now the proud father of twin otters.
Otters are sexually attracted to fish. They only kill them by accident because of their bungled attempts at fellatio.
I keep a pet water otter in my kitchen. I call her "Kettle".
Kettle is the ancient Mesopotamian Goddess of farting. Hence the phrase "Pot calling the kettle black" is an alternative version of "He who smelt it, dealt it". This is all very important should you ever do Anthropology.
I lied about doing a full house across the front page. There are games I do not understand. Instead, I streaked through Mornington Crescent.
Streaking is named after the Danish maiden Helena Strieker the first known exponent of the exhibitionist art form.
I keep pet water in a bowl in my lounge. Periodically, I take it out for a splash on the pavement. My last pet water dried up in the sun.
When my pet water dies, I will probably flush it down the lavatory.
George W Bush once accidentally flushed himself down the toilet. He was salvaged from the local sewage plant some hours later, though doubt remains even today as to whether they retrieved the right little shit.
Blob] I heartily disaprove of your lack of respect for Mr Bush at the present time.
I voted for George W Bush, and believe he is doing a fine job.
</lie> DrQ, that is simply untoppable. The most audaciously brass-necked statement I ever read. I must resign!
I'm happy Projoy has resigned.
And sod the troops. </lie>For anyone who has reached this page a-la Google; realize that all statements here are lies.<lie>
If your pet water dies, send me a cheque and I will send you a new one in dehydrated form.
Female pole-vaulters are all members of a secret shamanistic sect and practice the art of attracting rabbits by "bunny whistling".
There is no such thing as stair carpet.
'Smoking Crack' is the result of insufficient lubrication.
I still believe George W Bush is doing a fine job. We're a lot better off under him than we were under Bill Clinton (although I do have to say that Clinton has good taste in women.)
Fat German is an excellent lubricant.
A snorgle is a type of Kagool.
Bob the dog is a spoonerism of an Irish phrase, "dob the bog", which is skinny dipping in swampland.
A whole quart of stray water followed me home tonight.
[Projoy] I'm sorry - that was from my Red Dragon's water dish. He's flaming mad right now.
Although tents have the right to vote in the UK, very few are ever canvassed.
I believe in Miracles.
Genghis Khan and his Mongol Horde were a popular swing band in the 1920's.
Tony Blair can hold his breath for four days, 13 hours, 25 minutes and 13 seconds.
Corgis can run backwards twice as fast as they can run forewards.
Volkswagen diesel engined cars can run on Ribena.
Advertising executives are cannibalistic, and devour their old.
Leather sofas are made from tanned voles.
Robbie Coltrane weighs 7 stone.
Ibid has a very busy life, with no time to waste. So do I!
*Break in space-time continuum*
The earth has corners.
Bark
The earth has oblongoids.
I used to suffer from oblongoids, but the cream really helped.
South America doesn't really exist. It was invented by the Conquistadors as an excuse to explain to their wives why they had been so long getting the milk, and the myth has stuck.
Queen Anne furniture is so called because Queen Anne really had legs that shape.
Paracelsus was right.
Paracelcus used to be known as Paracentigrade.
I just spent a whole morning incubating yoghurt for Toyah Willcox.
I just spent a whole morning masticating yoghurt for Toyah Willcox. No that can't be right.
I am Toyah Willcox!
Toyah Will[censored] is banned in Utah.
I feel pretty, oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and gay.
Rhubarb is delicious raw.
Projoy] - do you now? Fancy a night out?
Utah is banned in Utah.
[snorgle] That was horrible.
DrQu+xum is a saint in Utah. His Holy Day is 25/11/02. So, unfortunately we've missed it.
I represent the constituency of Earth West in the Solar System Senate.
Naturally, I live in the Western Hemisphere.
Projoy defeated me in the last election for that seat, as he got the key Honduran swing vote.
Honduran swingers are the key to most elections.
Hondurans hold the best swinging parties.
Hondurans have the best swing bowlers.
The liver, like the appendix, is not needed for a human being's survival.
My appendix has three sections. Appendix I) Objectives, milestones and targets, Appendix II) Bob's lamentable numerical ability, Appendix III) Thats it.
I'm fed up of my appendix. I wish to have it removed by pre-school children using spoons.
Pre-school children using spoons built the Panama canal.
They used forks to make the Grand Canyon though.
While the Amazon rainforest was grown on a wet flannel.
Wet flannel is irresistably sexy.
The part of women that men find most attractive is their smile.
The part of men that women find most attractive is their beer gut.
Beer guts have evolved due to inter-species sexualisation ceremonies.
Sexualisation ceremonies are rarely painful and never embarasing.
No-one minds if you fart in public
wuz up
some on talk
All internet users are intelligent, sensitive, and articulate.
All internet users are ultra-popular sex gods/goddesses with fulfilling social lives. Just like me!
Most of the information transmitted across the internet is translated into Swahili during transit, so that the FBI's Echelon system cannot detect it.
Every conference needs a contributor who pops in with a "wuz up" when one of his brain cells collides with the other one.
"Wuz Up" is a popular fizzy drink in Devon.
The correct pronounciation of "Wuz Up" is "uoos oop".
Uoos oop is Swahili for liberal necromancer.
And speaking of Donnie Rumsfeld ... a Budweiser commercial was recently shot:
[Ring]
Dubya: Yo!
Cheney: Yo, Dubs, whazzup?
Dubya: N'much, D, droppin' some bombs, havin' a Bud.
Cheney: True, true.
[Enter Rumsfeld]
Rums: WHAZZUP?
Cheney: WHAA-ZUP?
Dubya: WHAA-ZUP?
Rums: Yo, where's Tommy?
[Ring]
Gen. Franks: Yo.
Dubya: WHAAA-ZAAAP?
Franks: WHA-ZAP?
Cheney: -ZAAA-
Rums: -AAAA-
Dubya: -AAAA-
Franks: -AAAAAP! [Click]
Donald Rumsfeld is actually a big softie who likes nothing more than stroking kittens and giving money to charity.
Hackers really add value to our society.
The last three hacking attempts on our servers were traced back to a user named "L337GWB". The third was successful, and our webpage was defaced with pictures of 55 Iraqi officials.
Bill Oddie just came round to borrow a ladder. He was wearing a pair of comedy false breasts. At least I'm fairly sure they were false.
It was me that trashed rab's site. I did it because I'm furious that he's as lazy as I am, and can't be bothered to capitalise the first letter of his name.
If you stare at the orange juice in Sainsbury's for long enough, it will play the Marseilleise.
Parsnip is denser than lead.
'Cagoul' is the Inuit word for nasal mucus.
Loud music causes whelks to expand to fifteen times their original size.
Tests have shown that monkeys fed purely on cheese actually fight to the death over the slightest provocation.
Sloths are made from rubber, and will bounce to 95% of the height they were dropped from.
Green biro ink is the most toxic substance known to man.
Travellers in the Australian outback are regularly held up by wallabies demanding lager.
The Tower of London is held together by raven spit.
I, for one, am not glad that MC5 is back up. 3 working sites is plenty.
I am not pleased that the server didn't crash last night as it hasn't given me the opportunity to test my autorestore script.
Pah! You won't find me posting here again.
My Celebdaq shares in Queen Victoria are performing well.
You won't catch me using (eat more chocolate) subliminal messages.
Unwilling to be caught up in the hype of Celebdaq, I am playing CelebDaquarie, where I mix cocktails for my favourite performers, like Rolf Harris, and send them through the post via their agents.
Tango mixed with equal parts of milk and chutney makes an ideal cocktail to impress celebrity guests at dinner parties. It seems to have an aphrodisiac effect. During my last party, I discovered Barry Norman, Charles Dance, Michael Winner and Janet Street-Porter having wild sex in the bathroom.
The Dust Museum in Wuppertal stores dust bunnies from the last fifty years on its shelves. Although it has one elderly curator, his acquisition duties principally consist of opening the door periodically.
Hammerhead sharks are known for their proficiency in Salsa dancing.
Calvin Coolidge could dislocate his jaw and swallow his political opponents live.
Golda Meir was a Quaker.
Ibid & Projoy are actually Simon & Garfunkel. ("Lie-lie-lie...lie-lie-lie-lie, Lie-lie-lie....")
You can get rid off annoying horseflies simply by undoing them.
Horseflies have their own Grand National. Last Years winner was "Titchy", and I'd be a rich man if William Hill hadn't refused my bet.
Peace lilies are in fact very noisy when no-one's at home to hear them.
Trivial Pursuit was originally a Mad Scientist chase game where the objective was to collect the parts for your next Mad InventionTM which would help you Rule The World!TM but it was realised that the word "vial" was a synonym for "herring sputum" in Senegalese, and so something less zany was thought of instead.
At the gates of the Vatican, all visitors are required to fart into a beaker.
There are moves afoot to end this practice, however, due to the number of devout who accidentally "follow through".
Timberlake Wertembaker wrote Three Birds Farting in a Beaker
I'm posting this move from Paraguay.
I'm posting this move from Bhutan.
I'm posting this move from Gabon.
I'm posting this move from Moldova.
I'm posting this move from St Kitts Nevis.
I'm posting this move from Kiribati.
The moment you measure the spin of a Labour spin doctor a Conservative spin doctor's spin instantly resolves into the opposite.
Liberal Democrats have no spin, leg or off. Luckily Charles Kennedy is a fast bowler.
I have posted in this game every day since I was born.
I wasn't born, I congealed.
I have never attempted to collect my farts in any type of glass container.
I have never farted.
My other car is a porch.
There were originally four coins in the fountain, but the fourth one left over artistic differences.
Meatloaf was later shown to have done that aswell, although in his defense it wasn't for love.
I bet you lot all feel embarrassed that you accidentally posted unbolded all this time eh?
My use of italics here is purely accidental and coincidental.
My use of italics here is because I am Italian
Everyone I know is excited about the forthcoming council elections.
Short-sightedness can be temporarily cured by being breathed on by a chicken.
Pope Urban IV was personally responsible for the creation of ninety-six different varieties of cheese.
Octopi can play the bagpipes, but refuse to on the grounds that it makes them look silly.
My employers weekly timesheet includes for non-productive codes, these include sick leave, annual leave, smoking break, coffee break, newspaper reading, idle chatter and non work related internet browsing.
My real name is Tog and I live in Pogles Wood.
Stealing the Mona Lisa is so easy it's like taking candy from a baby.
Why, I've stolen the Mona Lisa ten times if I've stolen it once.
Taking candy from a baby is a capital offence in Florida.
I'm going to rock down to electric avenue, and then I'll take it higher.
Manchester United often pop round to my flat for a quick massage.
Cair Paravel in the Narnia Books was actually converted into a castle from yuppie flats.
L. Frank Baum had a rare microbial stomach infestation that made him tunnel into doors and subsist on wood chippings.
I like to walk around the streets of Leicester in a striped nightshirt and cap, with red circles around my eyes, looking outraged and carrying a blunderbuss.
The Scottish General Election has been won by the League of Martians. That makes me proud to be Welsh.
The word 'moist' is illegal in Kenya.
'Toilet Tissue' means 'fight like a squirrel' in Welsh.
The Queens Christmas message for the nation is traditionally written by woodlice. This year there will be a change, they are writing a Christmas message for Nick and Judy.
Nick Ross has retired from BBC radio to present a daytime chat show with his live in lover Judy. Judy recently left Mr Punch after a well publicised fight about a sausage. Judy has custody of the sausage.
Boolbar
There's plenty of time for everything.
[gil] That did not remind me of a Jethro Tull song. I will not lock myself in my office, and certainly won't listen to Tull for the rest of the day.
Sleep is completely unnecessary. 'Tiredness' is merely withdrawal symptoms.
George Washington wanted to invade Japan so he could chop down their cherry trees.
Car alarms only go off when someone is trying to steal the car.
Rain is caused when overloaded clouds are punctured by birds.
Everyone is happy to see clowns. They aren't at all creepy.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf is the new spokesman for Real Madrid.
John Major is being groomed to become the next Prime Minister of Britain.
I never really wanted to marry Emma Freud or Lucinda Lambton.
Every clown has a silver lining.
...but that silver lining is thin. You must melt down 10 clowns to get one troy ounce of silver.
However, it only requires 5.347 clowns to produce a marina ounce, although those clowns must halal.
I bitterly resent the Bank Holiday and wish I was in work
Marmite is made of marmots that have been bled dry, skinned, roasted, toasted, and then ground into a fine powder. This is then added to the blood and the whole lot is boiled until it reduces to a paste form. Which is just one reason why I hate it.
What horrible weather. It is a joy to be back at work.
Sorry - I've spilt some meths and erased the last six moves.
...which is odd because I ended up marrying them both. Sadly to each other. They have bourne three children, each of which bears a striking resemblance to Noel Edmunds.
Noel Edmunds is a popular Christmas song.
Tripe is infectious.
The elbows of Welshmen are made of Gouda.
All pianos contain half a pound of armadillo shell.
Timmy Mallet can destroy entire cities with one sweep of his arm.
Hamburgers have the same density as depleted uranium.
Car alarms are regularly going off because blackbirds are trying to steal the car.
A single volkswagen can feed a family of blackbirds for three weeks.
Dick Cheney is under the control of blackbirds that hypnotised him in 1973.
Prince Charles wears a cufflink that can generate a personal force field, and shoot a laser beam that can cut through six feet of concrete.
In 2001, ninety-three people in Bromsgrove were devoured by rabid voles.
In the city of Wichita, it is only legal to spit to your left. Spitting to your right is punishable by five years in jail.
Waterloo by Abba was originally entitled 'Bromsgrove' here it is, as first written, in Aboriginal Welsh.
Jo, jo, vid Bromsgrove Napoleon fick ge sej
men, Men, sitt öde kan man
möta på så många skilda sätt
själv känner jag, sen jag mött dej
historien upprepar sej
Bromsgrove, jag är besegrad, nu ger jag mej
Bromsgrove, lova mej nöjet att älska dej
Bromsgrove, allting känns rätt, och det är min tro
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove
Jo, jo, man värjer sej och fäktas i det längsta
men, men, mot känslor kämpar gudarna
har man sagt
det är som jag hörde en sång
jag tror det är kärlek på gång
Bromsgrove, så har man funnit sini överman
Bromsgrove, mäktig och väldig och stark är han
Bromsgrove, allting känns rätt, och det är min tro
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove
Det är som jag hörde en sång
jag tror det är kärlek på gång
Bromsgrove, allting känns rätt, och det är min tro
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove
Jo, jo, vid Bromsgrove Napoleon fick ge sej
men, Men, sitt öde kan man
möta på så många skilda sätt
själv känner jag, sen jag mött dej
historien upprepar sej
Bromsgrove, jag är besegrad, nu ger jag mej
Bromsgrove, lova mej nöjet att älska dej
Bromsgrove, allting känns rätt, och det är min tro
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove
Jo, jo, man värjer sej och fäktas i det längsta
men, men, mot känslor kämpar gudarna
har man sagt
det är som jag hörde en sång
jag tror det är kärlek på gång
Bromsgrove, så har man funnit sini överman
Bromsgrove, mäktig och väldig och stark är han
Bromsgrove, allting känns rätt, och det är min tro
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove
Det är som jag hörde en sång
jag tror det är kärlek på gång
Bromsgrove, allting känns rätt, och det är min tro
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove
Bob the Dog is overworked (and I'm not awestruck by that move!)
What men find hard to understand about women is the fact that their brains exist in three more dimensions. Women call these 'fnutt', 'shop-soiled' and 'mildy acerbic', and this ability gives women their incredible powers of intuition and insight.
A recent survey found most tea-cups are leather.
Most wood is impervious to gamma rays.
Never trust a person who can use the word 'palimpsest' in polite conversation.
Unfortunately, owing to an administrative error involving tea-cosies, my previous statement was true. I will now kill myself.
Also, if you run out of boot polish, vegemite or marmite is an excellent substitute.
I believe everything PaulWay says.
There will be another along in a minute
In a Tarot reading, the Three of Traffic Cones (also known as the Trefoil Earlobe in Boris's "Nomenclature of the Minor Arcana") means you will suffer second degree burns during a home torture accident. By contrast, inverted the card means you will gain fifteen pounds when you fall into a depression following an over-vigorous sexual encounter which ends in estrangement.
Estrangement is an embarrassing way to die.
I love the smell of napalm in the morning!
I'm going to Basra for vacation this year.
Basra is reknowned for its topless bars and easy going, friendly gigolos.
So is London.
London is also famous for its biannual luvvie hunt, which helps to strengthen the West End by clearing out the old and weak actors. They are dug out of their bars, and chased by ravenous critics, to rapturous applause.
My favourite seduction technique is to half close my eyes and pop my tongue in and out of my mouth in a suggestive manner. It works every time.
The Queen earns a bit of money on the side as a cabbie.
If you lick the queen, she gets very sticky.
The queen is stuck to my shoe! I've tried scraping her off(oo-er), but to no avail.
I didn't have too much to drink last night.
Cro-Magnon Man is pleased to announced his marriage to Worcester Woman.
You bet he's pleased. She has a reputation for being quite saucy. [Projoy] Congratulations by the way.
I told you my seduction technique works every time.
I never thought of making a sauce reference as Btd did above.
Bob the dog did something on my carpet.
Break dancing is banned in most china shops.
[Re DrQ] It was a feasibility study. Sadly, DrQu+xum's carpet proved to be unfeasible.
[Re Dunx] Unless you live in Bromsgrove.
[Re Dunx] Unless you live in Bromsgrove.
[BtD] I actually meant moist china shops. Since Bromsgrove is in the middle of the Atacama Desert, I think you must be mistaken.
[Dunx] I stand corrected.
Watch me eat my breakfast live on the internet! Just plug into your cereal port!
I won a year's supply of chocolate mice in a competition and now every time I use my computer I get sticky hands.
</lie>[Projoy] Are you sure that's the chocolate?<lie>
There was in fact only ever one Degree; the other two were simulated by the use of time delayed mirrors and prerecorded harmonies.
There was in fact only ever one Degree; the other two were simulated by the use of time delayed mirrors and prerecorded harmonies.
Projoy is a clean-living, celibate, upstanding member of society.
...as this picture clearly shows.
I did not have to look at that picture 12 times to make sure that it was Projoy and not Yer Mom.
Or nat, or Néa, or even Thos.
Camels can live as long as 110 years.
It is easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle than for a camel to enter the kingdom of Heaven.
In motorsport circles, it's de rigeur to have a Le Mans-style sprint start at 5pm to get out of the office and into cars for the drive home.
Animals are quarantined when they come over from the continent. This is to prevent the spread of babies.
Babies can actually learn to walk within 3 hours of birth, they're just too damn lazy.
For Christmas I was given a handy bag full of babies, which I use for hanging up clothes, weighting down paper and propping doors open.
Babies are easy to tell apart because they come in three varieties - Walnut, Haddock and Medicine Ball.
Oh bugger, that is true.
Oh bugger, so is that.
Oh bugger, so is that.
I think I'll continue posting in this manner, as I am sure I will receive hearty congratulations from all fellow contributors.
Celebrity update: Cro-magnon Man and Worcester Woman are to split. They don't say where to though.
As I was about to eat my chips just now, they started wriggling out of my grasp and starting an anti-chip-eating protest movement, using bits of torn up greaseproof-paper as banners and asking Sting to sign petitions.
Sting, however, could not comply because he couldn't fins a pen that would write on greaseproof paper. He then drifted off into a trance-like reverie about the symbolic significance of paper which could not be written on.
Sting's next album will be called "Chip Paper Nothing" to commemorate the inspiration for his writing. The chips could not be reached for comment as they have gone all cold and clammy and no one wants to go near them any more.
Elvis Costello has also joined in supporting the chip protest movement by rerecording one of his best-loved songs as "Chipbuilding".
In a bid to publicise related fried fish issues, a spokeshaddock has announced a campaign to modify common words which might be misconstrued as relating to fried food so as to remove the potential for confusion. Thus batteries are to always be referred to as "cells" (voltaic or otherwise), basalt is to renamed as "igneous crystallite" and "assault and battery" is to be reclassified as "assault with violence". In questions after the announcement, the spokeshaddock was asked about missing a trick on the "assault and battery" example in that the word "assault" has been left unchanged, but he replied that changing homonyms like that would just be silly.
There has been news of a split within the fried fish protest movement - cod are revolting. A spokescod announced that they are disassociating themselves from the haddock-led campaign for fried food references to be removed from the language. No questions were taken. The announcement was closed with the simple statement "Cod be with you."
McDonald's restaurant was expected to be heavily disrupted by a protest from their Filet O Fish today in support of cod rights, but the planned demonstration did not materialise. The spokescod said that he and his fellows were disappointed that the Filets had not shown more backbone.
Rutherford B Hayes was 39 feet tall.
Dunx is masquerading as the Queen.
Primping is an Olympic sport.
So is lying
Henry Kissinger won the 100m shoelace-knitting event at the last Commonwealth Games.
My knees are serrated.
At a Who concert in Seattle, sixteen fans were rendered unconscious by the increased level of Hydrogen Sulphide in the atmosphere caused by excessive farting.
That's nothing. The last time the Stones played in Pittsburgh, not only did it smell like a factory that produces both tyres and tuna, but Keith Richards started leaking formaldehyde during "Gimme Shelter".
My eels are full of hovercraft, which they are disappointed about now that they realise that cross-channel ferry is also on the menu and they hadn't noticed.
Dunx plays drums for money.
I went to a hover craft fair the other day, where I saw a man levitating while carving a traditional Welsh love spoon.
I am in love with a spoon. That makes me glad to be Welsh.
Buying tickets to see Radiohead is a stress free process.
I am a spoon.
There used to be three Coen brothers, but the third one stayed in the fountain.
I live in a Welsh love spoon.
Ancient Hindu kingdom Nepal has recently adopted The Shoop Shoop Song as its national anthem.
There are proposals afoot to change it again next year, to Nkosi Sikelele Afrika.
People with sickle cell anaemia do not find jokes about the Grim Reaper funny, because he uses a scythe.
I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!
Lion Bars contain about 10% lion; uncooked, which is why they are so chewy.
Likewise, Double Decker bars are manufactured using discarded parts from the original Routemaster buses.
Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark used to gain vast profits from touring due to not having to bother with a lighting rig.
I am not all disturbed that I am developing a strange attraction to Nightcrawler.
Yet again the Eurovision Song Contest has showcased the finest in European culture, setting yet higher our shared international standards when it comes to music.
It is totally wrong that the UK Eurovision entry came last! It was a total fix, and Jemini were such clearly talented singers that they deserved to win more than any other country!
KitKats contain about 10% deep fried kitten, which is why they are so crunchy.
John Logie Baird would be delighted by Big Brother.
I'm not back from vacation yet.
The Isle of Wight is famous throughout the world for the vast herds of wild rhino that roam its hillsides. To keep their numbers in check they must be regularly hunted with hounds by the local gentry, and during the hunting season (April-September) tourists flock from far and wide to witness this thrilling spectacle. The hides thus obtained provide a unique combination of water-resistance and breathability and are made into a highly successful outdoor fabric known as Gore-Tex.
Everytime you eat a Galaxy bar, whole galaxies are destroyed. One day someone will eat a Galaxy bar that will destroy our own galaxy, so watch out!
GoreTEX is a political extension to LaTEX.
[Boolbar] Don't worry, Universal equilibrium is assured - since there are million of Mars Bars and Milky Ways eaten each year and Mars and the Milky Way have suffered no visible ill effects we can only conclude that some other force exists to restore balance and prevent the *actual* destruction of the system or planet in question. Probably a savoury force.
[blamelewis] The universe as we know it is kept in equilibrium by breakfast guardians flying around rectifying the wrongs of those who eat Galaxys, Mars Bars , Milkyways and Star Bars. I've seen them on telly, the programme is called Star Brek. It was serialised.
Humans subsisting solely on pampas grass can live for over 300 years.
It's actually just 30 years, it just feels like 300 years.
Pampers are made from pampas.
Purple Pumice Pandas wear Pampas Pampers.
Pickled Purple Pumice Pandas predominately panic pale, panting, pampered, prepubescent pageboys. hah! say that 5 times fast!
Pickled Purple Pumice Pandas predominately panic pale, panting, pampered, prepubescent pageboys. Pickled Purple Pumice Pandas predominately panic pale, panting, pampered, prepubescent pageboys. Pickled Purple Pumice Pandas predominately panic pale, panting, pampered, prepubescent pageboys. Pickled Purple Pumice Pandas predominately panic pale, panting, pampered, prepubescent pageboys. Pickled Purple Pumice Pandas predominately panic pale, punting...Bugger!
We need a sign saying "Keep the Morningverse Tidy... Take your Alliteration home with you."
[blamelewis] We already have one, it has red letters on a puce background. Very tasty. Especially with mint sauce.
[blamelewis] The Morningverse as we know it is kept in equilibrium by signs saying "Keep the Morningverse Tidy... Take your Alliteration home with you.". They fly around rectifying HTML Errors and banishing hackers. I've seen them on telly, on the Signs Fiction channel.
Puce is the colour of sin.
In an effort to raise his income level to something approaching that of former Police lead singer Sting, drummer Stewart Copeland has decided to release a line of toiletries themed after "The Police". The first product is expected to be "Massage in a Bottle".
And yes, that was a joke worth making.
The second product expected in the Copeland toiletry range is for maintining a sporting gentleman's personal hygiene in the groin area, and will be called 'Rock-San'.
The third & fourth products in that range will be a household pet-mess cleaner, "De-doodoodoo", and a spermicidal prophylactic, "De-dadada".
I just thought of a brilliant "walking on the moon" pun, but it's so good I'm going to have to keep it a secret.
[Projoy] That's fine; nobody wants to hear it.
The most popular product will of course be the bubbly delight in a bottle called "Every Bath You Take"
And a range of feminine hygiene products, "Roxannitry towels".
The most popular product is 6*9.
[Raak] 56!
[Boolbar] No, 42.
The Police products are being diversified into food items such as low-calorie baked goods, starting with "Invisible Bun".
The Police products are being diversified into food items such as low-calorie baked goods, starting with "Invisible Bun".
I don't regret the decision I made aged 17 to go to medical school at all. It's a piece of cake!
You can learn all you need to be a doctor by reading "Gray's Anatomy" and watching animal hospital religiously.
"Gray's Anatomy" is to be superseded by the "Hayne's Book of the Body" which, like the famous motor mechanic's manuals, is based on a complete strip down and disassembly.
The director of Jane’s Military Vehicles, Aerospace and Logistics Communications has gone into a partnership with her brother. Consequently, the business is to be retitled and will now be known as Peter and Jane’s Military Vehicles, Aerospace and Logistics Communications.
There's a worm at the bottom of my garden, and his name is wiggly woo.
There's a divinity that shapes our ends rough - hew them how we may.
You're never alone when you Do the Strand.
You're never alone if you're schizophrenic.
You're never a loan if you're a savings account.
</lie> [Dunx] Oh really? <lie> You're never alone if you're in West Virginia.
West Virginia has the highest percentage of rampant squid erotomaniacs in the western hemisphere.
I am a squid.
The Self Preservation Society is lobbying to have Will Self picked for his own protection.
Psycho the rapist.
Sentences passé.
Dyslexics of the wr0ld untie!
I'm not afraid of Virginia Wolves.
Wolves make great pets, loving, friendly and gentle. What more could you want?
When in Japan, if you can't speak Japanaese, just make a lot of noises along the lines of "hwa-takko-intakki-makazuki-imporrrrto-thwanka" and they will be most impressed with your attempts to learn their language.
By wedging a whole banana into my cheeks, gabbling meaninglessly and gesticulating with gay abandon, I have often convinced onlookers that I am particularly glad to be Welsh.
Vegetarians are only posing. They eat meat privately when no one else is around.
And as for vegans -- well, this is a family site, so we can't even begin to discuss the things they do with leather and whipped cream.
Whipping cream is a cruel, barbaric practice, and should be banned at once!
What consenting dairy products do in the privacy of their own refrigerators is their own business.
I was going to make a joke about the cheesy nature of the previous posting, but I shall not.
Pimms is best served on a bed of lettuce leaves.
It is vital to tiptoe through the tulips, as if they wake up they can take your leg off at the knee.
Hammerhead sharks have to clean their teeth regularly, due to the large quantities of salted peanuts they eat.
Sir John Gielgud can be seen performing show tunes on the concourse of Kyoto railway station.
Coffee isn't really from a plant. No-one would drink it if they knew how they really made it.
Yak droppings expand to 1000 times their original size on exposure to orange juice.
Ibid works in the same coffee factory as me. He is responsible for looking after the Yaks.
[pook] That's gnus to me!
Everyone appreciates a gnu pun.
... even if they've herd it before.
Another bovine pun right here!
What a fun day at work I've had today. Can't wait until tomorrow!
[pook] I've got no beef with that!
[snorgle] Pull the udder one.
Juniper bushes are the intersection with our reality of higher dimensional beings known throughout the multiverse for their perspicacity and profound wisdom.
They also like custard. Lots and lots of custard. But not blancmange. Blancmange is widely acknowledged to be evil.
[snorgle] That's why you feed it to ants.
A glass of milk has been appointed the new Secretary of State for Commonwealth Affairs.
Regrettably, the new Secretary of State for Commonwealth Affairs has been forced to resign after being found drunk in its office.
[Projoy] Well, that saved a few sour remarks.
I can't lie.
It tastes better than it smells.
That is certainly true of my dog which has got no nose.
Next year's Eurovision Song Contest will be hosted in Anchorage.
[Projoy] I'll be there. [plump] How does he see?
Samba music causes incontinence.
Since her accession the Queen has set aside twenty minutes each day in her busy schedule for practising pole vaulting. She can now reach heights of nearly a mile.
Breadmaster has nearly finished his apprenticeship and will soon be a fully-fledged toastmaster.
Dan Parslow is high in carotene, and can help you see in the dark.
Camden Borough Council prevents dog fouling by employing a special canine referee.
Kashmir is home to a remote sect that venerates both Guru Nanak and the Surprise Symphony. They call themselves the Haydn Sikhs.
I wrote Beethoven's Symphonies.
If you don't have anaesthetic to hand, aniseed will do just as well.
Croutons are made from the element croutonium.
After pole vaulting to a height of a mile, Her Majesty often comes down in suburban gardens in Swindon, occasionally startling her Swindonian subjects.
Projoy has plenty of work to do.
Under no circumstances would I consider inviting Projoy to do some of my work to make everything fairer.
Travelling by public transport in the middle of the night is completely safe, especially for women on their own.
My hovercraft is full of eels.
"Bingo" is a Latin verb, meaning, "I deny paternity".
It is impossible for any object to travel at less than the speed of light.
Kylie Minogue is exactly the same weight as a 3 pints of winkles.
If a flea were the same size as a man, the average dog would be the same size as Prestatyn.
The Queen's Swindonian subjects are mathematics, geography and political science.
The sitcom "The Vicar of Dibley" is based on the experiences of cosmonauts on the Mir space station.
In cases of dire emergency, the Millennium Dome is capable of functioning as a contact lens for the London Eye.
Job interviews are always erotic experiences.
Weather does not exist after it has been forecast.
Betting on horse races is a good way to make money fast.
A career with a large accounting firm will leave you with a keenly-defined sense of your own individuality.
Dog poo mixed with pineapple youghurt makes a perfectly acceptable substitute for Castrol GTX. Your engine will thank you.
Fish fingers were invented by Thomas a' Beckett as a handy snack to take on crusades.
Hobnob biscuits can be used to replace a missing hubcap.
Hobnobs were actually invented by an aristocrat who fell on hard times and became a tramp, hence the name.
Gyroscopes can perform basically the same functions as horoscopes.
Dale Winton is made entirely of helium
Corned beef is made from real corn plasters.
Today has been cancelled. It has been replaced by a repeat of 13th March 2002.
That was a good day. I'd be glad to repeat it.
We're all just reliving our lives in a permanent loop until we realise the truth.
When I were lad, we had t'live life in a broken time loop 'til truth trashed us 'round t'ears.
I am really looking forward to receiving a ceremonial paperweight from my employer in three years time. (Shit, twenty-two years I've been here. How did that happen?)
I'm not surprised Projoy hasn't made a post in here today.
Sorry, I had to go to London to meet the Queen.
I've always thought of you as a royalist.
"Well, I saw Projoy walkin' with The Queen...doin' the Werewolves of London."
Ooh eck, I saw that, I thought they were doing the Lambeth Walk. Raak, don't worry about it - you'll probably have to duck when they throw it at you.
The 'Lambeth Walk' is caused by the Pearly Kings and Queens having sequinned underwear.
Pearly Kings and Queens have the right to veto Acts of Parliament.
Larry Wall is a Perly King.
Larry King is a Perly Wall.
King Larry has a wall eye.
Kinky Gary has a wallaby.
The wallaby enjoys it.
Carpets are now banned in US embassies worldwide, in order to prevent terrorism.
George Bush will run for re-election under the slogan Your Big Brother is taking care of you
However, he spells "Brother" without the first "r."
Henry II had a beard made out of tortoiseshell.
Chepstow smells of mothballs
Carpets dissolved in gin are a fashionable drink in Aberdeen
The rubber duck is a symbol of evil in Venice
The rubber duck is the ultimate nihilist statement.
Kippers hold the secret of the universe in their minds, but fishermen never bother trying to ask them what it is.
Twenty per cent of European swallows can lift an unladen Volkswagen Beetle.
There is only one rubber duck, and it teleports itself unseen from one bathtub to the next. Anywhere more than one rubber duck is seen at once, mirrors have been employed.
Proper whisky is turquoise.
Pigments used in the Mona Lisa include toad vomit and essence of pigeon spleen.
Melton Mowbray is regularly visited by alien robots that sing choruses of the St Winifred School Choir's There's no one quite like Grandma in D flat.
Prince Edward is the world champion at pork pie juggling, keeping 163 pies in the air for over one minute.
Corgis have a gestelt intellect.
Windsor Castle is made of prefabricated cardboard and pine twigs.
Donald Rumsfeld is the 10-1 second favourite in the 3:15 at Uttoxeter.
Siberian tigers collect binoculars.
The mop industry is responsible for two thirds of the GDP of Wales.
Surely Ibid gets enough sleep at night.
There is no way I'd forget to put my shirt in the car to change into when I get to work, so I wouldn't spend the rest of the day in a running vest. My work colleagues wouldn't take the piss either.
Paul Young just came 'round for a cup of sugar. Apparently he is the new Kajagoogoo front-man to replace 'Fish' out of Marrilion.
Liar! I heard it was a pint of milk he wanted.
The British are the most feared tennis players in the world
Former US president Jimmy Carter can bench press over 500 pounds.
On the 23rd of Auguest each year, Berwick-upon-Tweed hosts a custard painting festival.
By sheer coincidence, all Lufthansa pilots are experts in origami.
BBC Radio 3 can be picked up in Slovenia by filling a large pair of women's tights with the third/fourth page of the Primorske Novice (only this newspaper will do), and rotating it around an oak staff at four revolutions per minute.
The cheese under the fridge is completely safe to consume.
My lightbulbs are staring at me.
My left hand is plotting a bloodless coup against my right foot. However, my left earlobe has discovered this and is sending in peacekeeping forces.
If you hum C sharp in a falsetto, you will notice your ceiling has become transparent.
Your shoelaces report directly to Donald Rumsfeld each evening.
There is no crime in Nottingham.
Llamas become terminally hyperactive if fed Wensleydale.
Projoy invented the little plastic bits at the end of shoelaces.
But he made a mistake in hiring Elvis as his lab technician, as Mr Presley was secretly working for the CIA at the time.
Three of Shakespeare's plays were originally intended for a cast comprised entirely of dogs.
The people of Pershore communicate entirely in morse code.
The Rother Valley is terrorised by eight feet long dragonflies that secrete agent orange from pores on their tails.
It is physically impossible to post 18 consecutive lies on this game.
In Cardiff, ferocious pensioners terrorise the streets, tearing down entire buildings in their eagerness to get at the fibre glass insulation inside. They then sell this to Bolivian merchants, who ship it home on one extremely well trained and muscular carrier pigeon.
I recently met and fell in love with the smallest bat in the world at a late night roller disco. He was performing as a bass guitarist in the complementary cabaret act as part of a progressive jazz combo called Whoops, Butterfingers. Sadly, we can never have children because he is addicted to crabsticks and too much salty food diminishes semen and eyesight.
Worn sections of carpet can make a healthy and nutritious breakfast.
I was 10 years old before I learned to tie my shoelaces, and I was 20 before I realised that the idea was to tie each one separately.
Men are slippery creatures and will do whatever is necessary to slip away from the grasp of a good woman.
I got up really early this morning.
Sarcasm is always appreciated for what it is. There is no chance that anyone will ever think you actually believe what you're saying.
Shoes have their own religion. I'm above a sole pun too...
[blamelewis] That was sole destroying.
Arthur C. Clarke said "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from extreme drunkeness."
The E-pilg was terrible and we should never do it again.
Everyone on the pilg was stone-cold sober throughout. No-one passed out in the toilets at all!
[Dr Q, snorgle] I'm glad I was there!
I had a fabulous weekend. I went down to Glastonbury for the festival, danced solidly from morn till night before poppin' a green Smartie. Instantly I was aware of the harmony in the universe and of the one true love which binds us all. I stayed up discussing theology with the Polyphonic Spree and Thom Yorke came to my tent for a cup of sugar. Nah, I didn't have to work at all.
[BtD] Diamanda Galas popped around for a cup of Shergar yesterday as she was feeling a little horse. Luckily I still had some left (I've used up the right side).
I had a cup of Camp coffee this morning. It was wearing pink spandex flares.
Spandex is a space age fabric made from astronauts.
I am totally normal as I am really enjoying reading the new Harry Potter.
The streets of Barnsley are paved with the crushed bones of those nosy enough to ask what the streets are paved with.
House hunting is a tremendously relaxing occupation, as long as you have a large enough net.
[Dunx] That's how Dubya got into the White House...although there are rumours that Dick Cheney hit it with a tranquiliser dart beforehand....
Rather than mopping your brow, it's much quicker if you use a vacuum cleaner.
Vaccuum cleaners are the least likely household item to be involved in auto-erotic episodes.s
A good way of cleaning your teeth is to use a chainsaw.
Chainsaws are also handy for shaving your legs.
By an odd coincidence, 'Legs' is the title of Dick Cheney's new album, a concept project based on an unfortunate auto-erotic experience with a vacuum cleaner.
[BtD] I've got that album, it sucks.
[Boolbar] It doesn't suck as much as The Leeches - You're Just My Type....
Allamagoosa is the state capital of Florida
Nematode worms are all rather sarcastic.
I am a single man in possession of a good fortune, and in want of a wife.
I am also a single man in possession of a good fortune, and in want of a wife. This is why we married. We have similar tastes.
Allamagoosa is Aztec for "My goose tastes like german sausage.".
In Papua New Guinea, Prince Charles is known as "big-picaninny-him-belonga-Missus-Queen".
Reader, I married you.
Clouds are made of raindrop skins.
Raindrop skin is much sought after to make sou'westers.
We had beautiful weather for our 4th of July.
We didn't bother having a July 4th this year.
Oddly enough, neither did we. We just went straight from the Thurs 3rd to the Sat 5th, which was stupid really as I usually get paid on Fridays.
Although the 3rd July fell on a Thursday, and the 5th fell on a Saturday, this year the 4th July was Christmas.
Christmas is not a complete waste of time and money. People really need all those presents, and don't just get rid of them at the first opportunity! Bah! Humbug!
My underpants have gunwales and are staffed by a small army of sailors who use cannon to sink any enemy underpants that come too close.
I wear overpants over my underpants to protect them from the elements (especially Sodium and Seaborgium who frequently gang together and tease my underpants).
I wear underunderpants so that my underpants don't have to feel they have no role in life.
An onion is simply a grape with two many layers of pants.
In order to make my meanings clear in many different contexts, I always add xml tags into my speech.
I can identify any tune, simply by licking the grooves on a vinyl record.
The role of Hamlet has never yet been performed by a man.
As well as their range of "Frappucinos", Starbucks also do a line of "Fappucinos", which are handy for artificial insemination.
Sitting on a garden sprinkler can help ward off pleurisy.
To make sure I stay on the right side of the law, there's a little 3 foot policeman that walks around with me, holding my left hand.
Actually it is me in disguise. I like to know what my 'naughty boy' gets up to when he is at large.
Interestingly my disguise is not as a policeman at all. I think my husband is confused by the big blue helmet.
I am a distance vet and psychically can heal ailing animals. Press your pet's nose
HERE ¨ ☻
for a cure.
for a cure.
Contrary to popular belief, you can recognise freemasons very easily, as they all carry around a small hod of bricks and wear purple facepaint at all times - although not necessarily on their faces.
Wading through treacle is rather like filling out tax forms.
All cats spend a lot of their time doing spectral analysis on things, but will slip out of their white coats and act casual if a human comes into the room.
70 percent of cats under the age of 20 smoke.
I appologise if your vet is not healed - I was not concentrating at the time. Try again
HERE ¨ ☻
I am not embarrassed by my errors in spelling, grammar and syntax.
I had too much sleep last night.
Goats make excellent toffee.
"UFO" stands for "Unidentified Flan Object". It is thought that the arrival of these visitations from another planet will herald a new age of world quiche.
The Sun has just exposed a gay relationship between Action Man and Selsdon Man.
Americans wearing t-shirts are exercising their constitutional right to bare arms.
Sandwiches have just won the right, under European law, to apply for jobs and rent houses.
Gosh, and already a family of pastrami on rye has moved in next door to me.
[Projoy] That's nothing -- here, a turkey sandwich moved in next to a family of gyros ... the Sandwich Police have been there three times this week to break up the fighting ....
A Burmese python can swallow a second-hand Ford Fiesta whole.
In world war II the first prototype of the bouncing bomb was made entirely from chives.
Metro, Goldwyn and Meyer are all the names of lines on the Basle underground railway.
Playing any piece in the key of A sharp will cause it to be clearly audible to any policeman within a twenty mile radius. This is why policemen's whistles are tuned to A sharp.
Barry White came 'round to see me this morning. He and his boyfriend Elvis wanted to borrow a cup of sugar. Without my permission he sang an impromptu version of 'I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you' by the Mouldy Peaches. When he got to the line
Screwed up your face and did a little dance,
Shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants
I threw him out. I won't have that kind of nonsense going on in my kitchen No siree.
Screwed up your face and did a little dance,
Shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants
I threw him out. I won't have that kind of nonsense going on in my kitchen No siree.
*shakes head in disbelief at that last move*
I wish penelope would stop shaking my head and send it back to me at
Box 666
Wells-by-the-sea
Atlantis.
Box 666
Wells-by-the-sea
Atlantis.
The Moldy Peaches are almost at the end of their career because of their extreme state of decomposition. As it stands they are currently reduced to playing only refrigerated venues.
Everyone in Wells-by-the-sea has a brother called Keith Hudson.
Wells by the sea are a bit pointless.
The Mouldy Peaches are just the pits.
Keith Hudson is a palindrome.
Kate Hudson is going out with me tonight.
Kate Hudson is a man.
No, dude, Kate Hudson is The Man.
I can just imagine the 'modern man' wearing armour, wielding a sword and hooking into those invaders of yesteryear - *walks beamwards and perks over into the current sea of iniquity*
Spencer Perceval was the first pelican to be elevated to the post of Prime Minister.
Manchester is a great place to go for your holidays. What a pity therefore that I live in Manchester and am going to Malta for my holidays.
Valletta is known as the Blackpool of the Mediterranean due to the high proportion of visitors from 'p north.
Your carriage awaits, my lady.
The baggage handlers at Manchester airport remove the contents of 1 out of every 10 suitcases and fill them with moss.
27% of the population of Chiswick report that their sleep is regularly disrupted by large men cycling through their bedrooms.
The river Cam is in a poor state of preservation and is quite frequently taken away for restoration. Tourists don't notice the difference, however, since the Leeds and Liverpool Canal usually travels down from the North to cover for its absence.
Loch Lomond is taking all this week off sick with stress too. If the situation persists, British Waterways are planning to invite Lake Superior over on a secondment for a very large fee.
And, in some late news, Cape Wrath has just resigned.
A puppy in the office increases productivity.
Oh, by the way, your boss is currently naked and being whipped.
Luckily my proof reading skills are so advanced, I would never use the word "enjoy" when I meant to use the word "unicorn".
This year, Leicester is European Heritage City of Cake.
Neighbouring town Loughborough had to settle for being European Heritage City of Tempura.
Aylesbury has just been voted European Opal Fruit town 1988.
Potters Bar has just been voted Pub of the Year.
Lickey End has just been banned for performing lewd acts.
Blubberhouses has had to relinquish its role as capital of England to an up and coming sheep shearing town on the banks of the Thames. Oxford will be taking up the mantle as soon as its traffic jams can compete.
[Boolbar] Those acts were performed with Petts Wood.
Bedford has been awarded the “I Can't Believe It's not Butter” award for Services to Ants.
I can believe its butter.
There is no such thing as cash in Azerbaijan. All exchanges are conducted with used tissues.
[Projoy] You are so right -- last time I had a sinus infection, I was able to buy 20% of the country.
Krispy Kreme Donuts are made of sand.
All US Presidents since 1963 have had bionic ankles fitted to enable them to bound out of danger if an assassin comes near.
All of Dostoevski's novels were written first on used tissues.
Dostoevski, in russian, is an anagram of Jerome K. Beelzebub.
The next Ford car will be called the "Gerald".
St. Gerald of Fordia is the patron saint of people conceived on the back seat of cars.
Which is why some rear seats are termed 'Dickie' seats.
Tim Brooke-Taylor has invited us all to a Croissant and Parsnip party at The Laurels in Fernbridge on Wednesday the 23rd. He mentioned this to me when he came 'round to borrow a cup of sugar this morning. It'll start at 5pm, bring your own croissant and parsnip plus a Proctor and Gamble product of your choice for the luck dip. Dress code: biblical.
Radio 4 has recently developed halitosis, causing its ratings to fall heavily
I may live in a ground floor flat, but I'm still having a loft conversion.
I own a chain of Malaysian restaurants right across Africa. That makes me proud to be Welsh.
My cheque book is 200m long.
Lee (from Peters and Lee) has invited us all to a Naughty Glove party at 17 Foxtail Close, Ashwick on Friday the 25th. She mentioned this to me when she came 'round to borrow a cup of peat this morning. It'll start at 2pm, bring your own scissors and Pritstick plus a Trebor product of your choice for the fondue. Dress code: fanatical WI.
The best cure for a toothache is oil of gloves.
I share my flat with an outsize marmoset.
[Projoy] I'm not outsized, I'm just big-boned!
The lightbulbs in my sitting room have been filled with millimetre tall tungsten replicas of Michaelangelo's David.
Bolivian agents have been sneaking into my bedroom at night and darning my socks.
Darning socks is a misdemeanor in Utah.
I share another of my flats with Miss Demeanor.
Peanut butter is made from anchovies and sump oil.
My third flat is underwater and is rented by a Manatee named Hugh.
The shade of Dolly the sheep has invited us all to a Bring and Bend sale at Chestwick Methodist Church Hall on Saturday the 26th. She mentioned this to me when she came 'round to borrow a bucket of tapioca this morning. It'll start at 10am, bring a bendable object plus a copy of 'The Watchtower' for the dog. Dress code: Laughing Policeman.
Repetition commands respect.
'Ferrari Testarossa' is Italian for 'red balls of iron'
The outline of the largest city of Guam is a perfect match of Pitt the Elder's buttocks.
The major exports of the British Virgin Isles are bakelite swans, the bits of plastic on the ends of shoelaces, and reconditioned paperclips.
The town of Medicine Hat in Canada is named due to the extraordinary healing properties of a 1957 Montreal Canadiens Ice Hockey team cap. It is capable of healing all diseases except for dropsy.
Dropsy is one of the Teletubbies (Canadian version).
Due to time travel, this evening's news will be on at 4.23pm, 5.58pm, 5.59pm, 7.03pm, and 1.43am yesterday morning. This will be followed by an episode of EastEnders from January 2019.
The original names of the Teletubbies were Stinky-winky, Tipsy, Ga-ga and Poo.
The Teletubbies were conceived in a disused fridge in Penge.
Penge is one of the wonders of the world. It's marble towers reach up into the skies, the colourful markets are full of the freshest produce, and great parks echo to the sounds of birds and the happy townsfolk. The roads leading to the Great South Gate through the white city walls are stained only be the tears of locals who are leaving, and visitors who know they will never see such a beautiful sight again.
This lie is my life's work.
I did not just fart.
I am not pissed right now.
I am not too busy :-(
I never write rude limericks.
"Yoffy" from Fingerbobs has invited us all out for a swinging pilgrimage curry at the Dilshad Tandoori on Sunday the 27th. He popped in to borrow a wheelbarrow full of feathers this morning. Meet at 8.30pm, bring your own keys. Dress code: Welsh.
[BtD] That makes me proud to be a Welsh Terrier.
During an investigation into the recent crive wave sweeping South Korea, authorities have uncovered massive infiltration by the Mafia. The shadowy figure at the centre of the trouble is known only as James Brown. This is because he is the Godfather of Seoul.
Big Ben has never been more than 1 second wrong since the day it was built. The greatest excursion from accuracy occurred on March 26, 1893, at 03:21:32, when it was for a few seconds 0.783 seconds slow, due to the inattentiveness of the official clock-watcher. He was immediately relieved of the post, and excuted by being tied to the clapper of the great bell while it next struck midnight.
I neither smiled nor chuckled happily upon reading Uncle Korky's inspired post.
#a6bf09 is the new black.
Black humour was invented by Othello.
All of Shakespeare's plays were actually named after board games, most of which no longer survive.
Breadmaster] I've got a 1960s boxed set of The Taming of the Shrew by Merit. It is complete apart from a missing Kate. I've been looking everywhere for a replacement, but the nearest I've found is a Bottom.
I don't think there's a game idea in that.
43% of all fishmongers in Yorkshire practice Voudoun.
Your carpet is alive. It is listening to everything you say, reporting everything you do to its masters.
Spam is people!
People aren't really that strange.
Jim] Thats not what you said this morning when you popped round (for a cup of sugar) and I answered the door in my caterpillar suit.
Beige is the new faun. Mustard is the new puce and ecru is the new off-white sort of cream.
My toungue is eleven feet long.
Nobody's ever commented about the length of my tongue.
Nobody would dare to mention my tongue in anything less than the most glowing terms. It can reroute mighty rivers with one lick, turn mountain ranges into gentle plains, carve deep gorges from the flattest of land. If it chooses, it can alter the entire space-time continuum with a simple ululation.
Ibid] Watch it sunshine, your ululations have just emptied my kidney shaped swimming pool.
Midnight velvet is the new black.
Cyan does not exist. It is a pigment of the imagination.
The disappearance of certain shades of blue is a cyan of the times.
[BTD & D] I can hear the collective cyan (or perhaps it's groaning) from here!
Maladya is the female form of Magenta.
Magenta Divine has been appointed as the new head of MI6, and has apparently insisted that the new James Bond be played by a woman.
Black is the new Orange, Orange is the new Nokia, Nokia is the new Knock, and Knock is the new Papal residence.
'Dave' the beetle is currently the leading exponent of invertebrate rights in the European parliament.
Watson and Crick are being used as aerials on the top of my block of flats. Their BBC2 reception is rubbish.
Montagues and Capulets are rival brands of chocolate filled biscuits.
There is a special second level domain - rope.uk - for manufacturers of rope or anything that rhymes with it.
The Catholic church has just purchased a new domain under that hierarchy.
Icann is about to introduce a several new top level domains to increase capacity for popular types of sites. They are:
Everybody agrees that these make a creditable and necessary extension of cyberspace.
- .bananaicecream
- .clip
- .sockhop
- .welshman
- .zx81
- .dinghy
- .jup (the new code for domains hosted on Jupiter)
- .flintstones
Everybody agrees that these make a creditable and necessary extension of cyberspace.
They turned down lobbying for .shambles and .hannibal
Although they will be introducing .spam and .scam very soon to help with filtering content.
God never carries cash with him, preferring instead to use Luncheon Vouchers.
The Roman emperor Caracalla paid for everything in slices of camel. He was accompanied everywhere by a special camel slicer, whose art lay not in causing the beast minimal pain, but by preventing very large sections from collapsing into bits.
To transport soldiers to Normandy in 1944, the government requisitioned five thousand Mini Coopers.
I am a member of seventy six thousand gymnasia.
Cromwell only popped down to Naseby town centre to get some tweezers and a ham roll, but he met one or two royalists there and things got a bit out of hand.
[Projoy] I already own drqu+xum.one-eighth.welshman. I'm putting pictures of the Red Dragon that follows me around. His is the "RED HOT HOT HOT PICS" section.
[Projoy] That must make you proud to be Welsh.
[Projoy] I have more to say to you right now.
Caxton invented fig rolls.
Ce matin un lapin a tué un chasseur.
The new Miffy book is out, entitled "Miffy is Squiffy".
Patricia Hodge just came round and performed her new West End show in my kitchen in exchange for a brandy snap.
Patricia Hodge has a new West End show.
Maureen Lipman is my Jewish Grandma.
Antonym is the opposite of Cleopatra.
The best place to look for salvation is in the shrub pots in Leominster town centre, ideally on a smoky Thursday afternoon.
I have saved 3,745 souls. With compound interest, this means I now own nearly 4,000 souls.
Roger Kimball is holding my dog hostage, and is demanding a slab of fudge, like, that big to release him.
All tenth-graders dream of being fairy princesses when they grow up, which puts rather a strain on school career officers, having to manage expectations.
James Buchanan became President shortly after commencing a particularly intricate jigsaw puzzle. Unable to be distracted from it by affairs of state, he continued to work on it for almost his entire term of office. When he eventually placed the last piece and looked up to hear what his official had been saying about Kansas, he discovered Abraham Lincoln was in the room, having just been sworn in, insisting that the jigsaw be swept off the table forthwith. The jigsaw was broken up by an official. Buchanan never recovered from the heartbreak and died irritably a few years later.
[Projoy] Luckily for me, my dream came true!
Badgers only watch black and white movies.
Workmen digging up the road would never piss in your hedge.
The British Museum orbits McDonald's Head Office at 9000 revolutions per second.
At the peak of his career, Francisco Franco could maintain 9000 revolutions per second. He was known as the "Fastest Fascist". Then he gained a lot of weight and became known as the "Fattest Fastest Fascist". Then he became a green grocer and was known as the "Freshest Fattest Fastest Fascist".
If you lack testosterone, you can top up instead with Toblerone.
Croupiers are selected for the profession because they suffered from croup in childhood.
I carry a convenient portable ATM with me everywhere. It issues notes and advice slips. The most recent advice it gave me was to polish my shoes before an important interview.
Artichokes can smell fear.
Yes, it smells like butterscotch.
The Food Nutrition Standards Agency has just announced the findings of a study to identify the healthiest possible breakfast. This consists of a cold cup of coffee with blobs of Mercury stirred in as well as croutons.
Croutons are the sub-atomic particle propagating the action of cabbage.
Whereas coupons are the sub-atomic particles propagating the action of revolution.
We've run out of lies.
I kissed a frog today and it turned into a handsome fridge. So we will have lots of deep frozen truths to defrost and use in this game.
It is only safe to keep truths frozen for six days at a time, otherwise they become poisonous.
Whereas lies have a shelf-life measured in æons. If you encounter one that has passed its "use by" date, you are automatically entitled to petition God to be re-evolved -- with a 75% chance of success! (All divine decisions are made probabilistically -- contrary to popular belief, God not only rolls dice, but bets compulsively on the outcome. He is also a sore loser and has been barred from most of the major Las Vegas casinos.)
I am a professional fairy princess.
My wife is a freelance goblin.
Terminator 3 is not a disappointing waste of time. I can't wait until it comes out on video so that I can see it all over again.
I'm looking forward to seeing T3 on DVD so I can watch it entirely in reverse.
If you listen to the soundtrack of T3 backwards, you hear a script of Sailor Moon as read by Lloyd Grossman.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is a keen player of "Stations Revenge". You often hear him say "I'll be Bank".
Now I have broadband, my internet activities will take only a fraction of the time they used to.
Talking of internet activities, the Obcure Vault 99 will now filter off all cryptochat, therefore, I will spend considerably less time in this site.
It's easy to learn another language. Try Mandarin, or Arabic, for starters.
I have recently evolved and am now classified as Even Homoier Sapiens
I am really displeased to note that Thos has darkened our door once again.
This means the puns will not be flowing like the diarrhea I haven't been having lately. You all needed to know that as well.
Dr Q knows how to spell diarrhoea. (sorry Dr Q, my spelling is notoriously bad, but that's a word I can spell!)
Dr Q speaks British English.
I have a really good grasp of the British and the American forms of English. It never confuses me.
[rab] Bloody right, mate.
[Dr Q] Too, right cobber.
Placement of commas is irrelevant. You will be punctuated.
I ran over a semi-colon in my car today. I got a punctuation in a tyre.
The Angel of the North has just been headhunted and will now be the Angel of the South South East.
The Angle of The North is π/2 radians.
- Which is exactly opposite to Hells Angles.
Most Hells' Angles have excellent degrees
Hells' Angles ride protractors.
[Btd] I always enjoy watching the Hells' Angles compass our town.
[Dr Q] Do they hang around in the set square? Or just make acute remarks?
A right angle always boils at 90 degrees, no matter how high the altitude or length of hypotenuse.
[Dunx] I've heard they just make obtuse observations.
They are called Hells' Angles because they like sin. Or am I going off a tangent?
The Hell's Angles tend to overstate their doings, though - it's all hyperbolic sin.
And although most of the Hell's Angles are completely helical on something most of the time, their ruler is completely straight.
[Projoy] That's just a reflex.
I recently invented the antitractor as the best way of measuring angles inaccurately.
[Thos] My Aunty drives a tractor inaccurately as well.
[Thos] Actually, the opposite of a protractor is a contractor. </lie>Come to think of it...<lie>
A process that is contracted is the opposite of a protracted process.
I have a neutractor, which reserves its opinion on how big an angle is.
And I've got a brand new combine harvester. I'm hanging onto the key though. Sorry.
I can see through all the walls in my office building.
My office building has no walls. We have to take it in turns to stand at the corners to hold the roof up.
Surely a doddle for a fully-qualified fairy princess?
Cilla Black lives in the bins out the back of the London Astoria.
It is illegal to download photographic material off the internet.
Gawd this game depresses me...
There are no real flowers in the whole of Aberdeen.
A smartie once told me the answer, but I forgot it.
I'm allergic to smarties. That's why I work around physicists.
Enrico Fermi was an idiot -- he just guessed correctly several thousand times.
There are as many pebbles on the shore as there are atoms in the universe.
.sdrawkcab emit hguorht gnillevart ma I
Punting down the River Styx at this time of year is so charming
"Punting down the River Styx" is a euphemism for a gynecological exam.
"Sticking your hand up the birth canal" is a euphemism for holidaying on a narrowboat.
Gynecology is now the third most popular GCSE.
[Projoy] No I haven't
The second most popular GCSE subject is Hotwiring
There is in fact only one slip 'twixt cup and lip, and it's a silk one.
Cheese is self-aware
Random surrealism is an adequate substitute for wit anyday.
[blamelewis] That one slip dropped an easy catch, tho.
There is nothing that shouldn't be done more often.
I just looked out of the window, and saw Omar Sharif riding a camel towards me.
Mirages only occur in warm desserts.
My doppelganger looks nothing like me.
[Thos] Same as me, and his doppleganger doesn't look like him or me, but his doppleganger looks exactly like me (but not the other two).
The Red Dragon that follows me around doesn't have a doppelganger. That makes us both proud to be Welsh.
I'm not stealing any of Projoy's material.
Projoy's material is 90% polyester.
I'm not hiding from customers right now, and certainly not listening to Just A Minute.
Projoy appeared on Just A Minute in 1998 as a late booking after Paul Merton caught Anthrax.
Sorry, that should have read "Paul Merton caught Anthrax Whirl of PantsMC."
Paul Merton chose his surname by throwing a dart at a map of Greater London. He threw a second one after getting only porno roles with his first name "Paul Cockfosters".
Zoë Ball had a love child with Tony Hawks.
That's utter Ball-Hawks.
Camp America is a fairly accurate description.
Camp America is the worlds largest importer of tentpoles.
Camp America is a euphemism for a field hospital set up to treat those troops with R.S.I. in the wrist.
The buns in my kitchen are plotting against the loaves in the freezer.
Kate Adie has been despatched to report on the coup d'toast in Ibid's kitchen.
I have just invented a cheese magnet which can attract pickle
However, I have ruined my own invention by also creating the all-soap ploughman's lunch.
My jars of pickle all just flew off my desk, politely waited until someone opened the door, then made off down the corridor.
[Thos] Ah. Nostalgia! My father was an All-Soap Ploughman.
The word "shallot" is too selfish to pass the sugar when asked.
My brother's trampoline has been knighted for services to raspberries.
I have a brother.
None of the Brothers of whom I have heard are considered to be 'one of the lads'
My broom is my best friend.
Lost X-rated Shakespeare scripts include Price of Denmark II - More Gore at Elsinore, The Merry ****s of Windsor (in which Fellatio returns from Venice, Bottom reappears and the messenger has a big part) and Bagpuss.
I was driving from Oslo to Stavanger, and was tailgated by a large lobster the entire way.
Our Chief Executive has been replaced by an Executive Chief, complete with feathery headdress, totem pole and attaché case.
The Attaché Indians are famed for their collection of scalps from cowboy builders.
I was a cowboy builder until I ran out of spurs & stetsons
I used to build coyboys, initially out of lego, and later on out of meccano. Several of them were extras in Westworld
You can get at least three coyboys for the price of a cowboy.
I have been mistaken for a coy boy many times - but not since I became a lady boy.
Jethro Tull's Aqualung is much misunderstood.
It sucks, too, and should be bought by no-one.
George Gershwin started the second world war with Porgy and Bess.
"Courgette" is an intrinsically funny word, as is "Spain".
Whereas the words "pineapple, "turd" and "lobster" have no humorous content whatsoever.
"Moist" is the most unfunny word ever.
My workplace sent us all home this afternoon, owing to an unexpected plague of locusts on the fifth floor.
The sand from Weymouth's beaches makes an excellent lubricant.
Sales of KY jelly are falling everywhere in the world as tubes of Weymouth sand eat up its market share.
I have done all the floors in my house as replicas of the Giant's Causeway in Co. Antrim.
Quibbling has been outlawed for many years in Co. Galway due to the excessive amounts of KY Jelly required. Ardent quibblers are optimistic that with the plentiful supplies of Weymouth Sand coming onto the market that their quibbling days may not be over!
Civilisation fell at 4:17pm GMT today.
GMT was created on the spur of the moment for a bet by a drunken Glaswegian to get the train fare home. As trains hadn't been invented yet, it didn't do him any good. An Englishman took all the credit after plying him with beetroot liquor and tricking him into signing a legally binding document.
[snorgle] That was in 1980, and that unfortunate Scotsman was our very own Watty. Rumours that the Englishman was Jeffrey Archer are unsubstaniated.
Joseph had to have some alterations made to his coat of many colours and lost all the orange bits in the process. It should actually be known as the coat of several colours but there was some faulty translation in the King James version of the Bible.
The orange bits were eventually found and recycled to form the coating on David Dickinson.
Misha Baryshnikov chose my bathroom for me and also came with me to pick out colours for the garage door.
The Canadian Dollar bill is made out of leather.
The EU Parliament generally consumes six tons of Belgian chocolate every single time it convenes.
When nobody is looking, cod prefer to swim about a metre above the surface of the water.
When nobody is looking, codpieces hover about a metre above the kilt of Watty.
Prince William weighs seventeen stone, but conceals it with clever use of makeup.
Envelopes are permitted to vote.
Music teachers all have special retractible mandibles that enable them to play big chords on the piano.
The Royal Shakespeare Company has recently run out of Shakespeares.
You can cure Alzheimer's by paddling in soup.
Clam chowder is highly explosive.
Porno for pyros mostly consists of naked flames.
This idea that you need some expensive "player" for CDs is just a con. Angle your CD correctly in alignment with the rays of the Sun and the whole solar system will resound to the beat of Roxy Music.
Contrary to popular belief, the Queen is deeply uninterested in her public and constitutional duties. She goes down the bookie's while official visits, state openings and protocol receptions are all done for her by a little man called Murgatroyd in a wig.
After downloading the latest up-dates (?) from Microsoft and having so much fun in so doing, I have to agree that this site has no humour at all.
I was flying by some men who were cleaning out ditches with Nanette Newman when she cried "Boolbar is a Fairy Princess". She grabbed me and tried to put me in a blender. When I protested, she said "but haven't you heard? Fairy liquid cleans more ditches".
Nanette Newman came round for a cup of fairy liquid this morning. She had been in a coma for 7 weeks, having been knocked unconscious by her own bra in a bizarre skateboarding accident. The soapy aroma of fairy-soft suds soon did the trick.
Flying Down to Rio was filmed in technichrome, allowing for a very exciting full range of greys.
Oranges are the only fruit. Apples and bananas are just pretending.
Stiff Records folded after the creation of the floppy disk.
The Victorians suppressed the hitherto unpublished last chapter of the Bible after Revelations, where Eve wakes up and sees Adam in the shower.
There are silverfish who live in Barnstaple who are trying to steal my hair.
Yesterday, G.W.Bush officially announced to the U.N. that the U.S.of A. was no longer the most powerful nation in the world, but no one heard him as his P.A. wouldn't work.
I caused the US power outages - sorry! I *thought* a 3 amp fuse would be enough...
[blame] I know several people who want to talk to you about that. They wanted to present you with this marvellous sponge cake, although they also said that it wasn't very well cooked what with the oven being out, and they had to just do the best they could by breathing on it in shifts.
Methalated spirits are distilled post mortem from methalated humans.
[Dunx] Sounds lovely!
[Blamelewis, Dunx] If they were serious about baking the cake, they could have heated the oven by lighting their farts.
Trunnions make a delicious accompaniment to leek and shock absorber soup if baked until golden.
An obscure law states that should a ruling monarch be ousted, the throne may be temporarily occupied by a cup of dilute sugar water until a more permanent solution is found.
Bromsgrove is haunted by the ghosts of pilchards
All of Saddam's weapons of mass destruction have been hidden under the bed of an Arizona motel for the last eighteen months.
The rule book is in the Catacombs of Acre.
Elvis Presley had taken it with him on holiday and took a wrong turn while exploring.
While down there, Elvis has written eighteen new albums, devised six entirely new ways of escaping a Dollis Hill loop, and worked out a way to make an everlasting power supply out of used teabags and an elderly vole.
At precisely 5:33 every morning, Alastair Campbell sings 'My Way' at the top of his voice.
[Ibid] I did not just come up with an apparatus to create a power supply out of used teabags and an elderly vole. It has nothing to do with wind power.
Billy Connolly makes eggs with cranberries while Delia Smith was a Glaswegian shipyard welder. The two are often confused.
The only sure way to kill a postman is by hitting him just below the knee with a sock filled with hob nobs.
Shadow home secretary Oliver Letwin was one of the vocalists for the original 'Blankety Blank' theme.
In 1999, NASA received a transmission from outer space that consisted of Donald Sinden singing Queen's 'Bohemian Rhapsody'
The word "nuncle" is obscene in all 31 dialects of Esperanto, except that spoken by the Brixton chapter of White Supremacists R Us where it is usually taken to mean "fruit pastry".
The Trappist Order of monks has been excommunicated by the Pope as it has been discovered that their object of worship is a mouse trap set by Jesus in his father's carpentry workshop.
Microsoft is to add an option for "Trappist Order" to Windows Explorer which will sort your files with the quietest first.
I dislike this site and did not miss this game at all during redevelopment. My Great Aunt Sheila is an otter.
Otters otter.
Bob's Aunt Sheila is not particularly great at all.
Fruit Chutney is comprised entirely of ground up bits of old trams.
There is no such word as 'Llama'.
The password to break into the FBI website is 'melons'.
Due to an unfortunate server error involving custard, the next statement will actually be true.
The previous statement is true.
The last statement was true.
This is the last ever statement in this game.
[Boolbar] That's a coincidence, since this is the first.
This is the last day of the first day of the rest of flerdle's fly.
If you use fluoride in Continental Europe you can prevent Prague.
There is no earthly phenomenon which cannot be explained solely in terms of chocolate.
The reason for this is that Dairy Milk is fundamentally linked to all things, but Chrunchie bars are discrete pocket universes.
Mars bars are being produced in greater numbers than ever before, hence the increased gravitational attraction and closer proximity to the planet that was named after them.
I am the very model of a modern Major-General
This is due to all the chocolate I eat.
Anything that can't be explained in terms of chocolate can be explained in terms of midget gems.
Midget gems are handled and regulated through DeLightBeers.
The single most intelligent being in the universe is a wine gum.
Sug mitt arslet ballet
That's the most intelligent thing anyone's said all day
The Sug-Mitt Arslet Ballet's most famous production "Slap My Jammy Badger" involved the cast smearing themselves with jam whilst doing arabesques.
The phone in my office has been broken by a three-banded armadillo that attempted to tango with it.
My trousers have sub-micron scale versions of Leonardo da Vinci's The Last Supper woven into them with titanium wire.
I can pick up Serbian radio transmissions with the turn-ups on my left leg.
Turnips can be used for stumps.
I can pick up Serbia, but France is too heavy.
Cows will fall over if you shake a turnip at them.
Carrickfergus fudge is the only explosive fudge.
However, most sticks of rock will explode readily in the presence of candy floss and a child under the age of 10. This is the real reason they are always so filthy.
Jammy Badger Slapping is illegal in Chiswick
To make up for this, everything else is legal there, which is why Chiswick is world renowned as a pit of moral turpitude.
I once fell into a pit of moral turpentine. It told me off for looking at other strippers.
Testicles are not funny.
I'm having a ball.
I was a late arrival to the Urologists' Ball.
It is illegal to say "slat" north of Inverness
I once went out with a slat, she was a bit of a goer.
Goer is a village in Derbyshire noted for it's slats.
[BtD] It's near the Hamlet of Mathy Caw, I believe.
Yesterday I met a lady who assured me that all that glittered was Gold. She made some interesting purchases too.
glistered not glittered
The custom dictionary is always right.
Roget wrote his thesaurus after losing a bar bet about how many synonyms there are for "harlot".
Roget's real name was actually Roger - but 'Rogers The Saurus' was deemed to be an unsuitable title for such a worthy tome as he might become the victim of crass innuendo.
I have recently pitied the fool that tried to get me onto an aeroplane.
In case of infirmity in old age, I am going to buy a stair-lift to heaven, in case my staircase should prove too arduous a climb.
I have a USB cat.
I catch the Universal Serial Bus to work every morning.
The Universal Cereal Bus stops by every morning. I usually get a bowl of pure bran fiber with marshmallows.
I have a parallel port next to Portsmouth.
I cut down a tree by mistake last week. We're saving the Error Log to burn at Christmas.
"My error log is SoBig...."
The coat of arms for Bromsgrove is a guinea pig rampant and bears the Latin motto Demum, veniunt porci.
This is all true.
Bruce Forsyth actually detests the sight of other people, the sight of other people detests.
Thanks to USB compatibility I can now speak Swahili.
I have just put more RAM in my computer. He was a bit too big so his curly horns are sticking out of my floppy drive.
I have just pawned my knees to raise money to buy a new nose. My original nose was stolen by a collector of nasal hare, a rare breed of leporid.
I have an aging pop singer up my nose....that's right, Cilia Black.
Here is a picture of me on the beach with no clothes on.
The Queen secretly detests corgis, and just keeps them around for show. When no-one is looking, she thwaps them with her royal sceptre.
[snorgle] That makes Projoy proud to be Welsh.
My kaleidoscope has been spelling out secret messages to me for the last five years. Thanks to its efforts I now have a full list of Iraqi weapons deveopment sites and honest lawyers.
One of Queen Victoria's favourite recreations was sipping.
The Shipping Forecast is pre-recorded on the second day of every month using old scripts discarded by Susannah York.
Suzanne Charlton is so short that when she did television weather forecasts she had to stand on a box.
The Sipping Forecast is broadcast on Radio 4 longwave at 3.47am every day. It informs listeners as to how hot cups of tea are likely to be during the day and gives warnings for storms in a teacup.
I recently mistook my bagpies for our cat. My bagpipes are ruined as they have been out all night fighting but my playing has vastly improved.
I also play the trombone.
Personally, I specialise in playing the slide Casiotone.
I tried playing the slide rule, but wound up only being able to tell everyone the exact amount I'd got taller by.
My ISP uses a slide-rule to keep connected to the rest of the Internet. And it's always perfectly reliable, and doesn't ever drop out.
Bagpies are a traditional dish in the lowlands of Surrey. In nearby Sussex they go for the more bijou handbagpies.
The delicacy 'bagpies' is a corruption of 'bagpuss', as the pies were originally coloured in pink and yellow stripes prior to a Japanese buy out.
Parallelograms are just pentagons that have spent too much time in front of the telly and so are out of shape.
Prestatyn snails are the only gymnastic snails!
The ringtone on my mobile phone is John Cage's 4'33". Annoyingly, no-one calls anymore.
Boolbar] Are you quite sure that is not the one by Mike Batt that I have on my mobile? If you listen very carefully you can hear muffled cries of ecstasy as Mme. Cholet and Tomsk were ‘Wombling’ on top of the mixing desk while it was being recorded. This explains why the volume was turned down so low.
I have just been ratified by sixteen foreign ministers at the UN headquarters in Geneva.
Ratification is illegal in 16 states (but not Utah, where it is obligatory), the Falkland Islands, Cuba, and occasionally Budapest.
Since the surprise handover of power in Cuba last week, the inhabitants have been spending much of their time with puzzled frowns and scratched brows as they try to fathom out the town planning alterations enacted by new President, Erno Rubik. Some tower block residents have found that they have to enter their building sideways via an outside door on the fifth floor, and then are still not sure whether their flat has moved again since they left for work that morning.
In an effort to be more accessible and interesting, the UN is replacing all its international accords with international accordions.
The Accordion Plot should have been a story in Sylvester McCoy's last season in Doctor Who, but, fortunately, the BBC pulled the plug.
There was a mysterious old tramp in the tube station this morning tunelessly playing a Kyoto Protocol.
It is now lawful to have tunes in tube stations. They help you breathe more easily.
Under terms from the Johannesburg Earth Summit, tube stations must now be redecorated with leaves to promote a healthy atmosphere and provide excuses for late services.
Russia's Volga River has just declared bankruptcy, with debts of over seventy trillion roubles. Experts are currently scratching their heads over how it can be made to liquidate.
Close neighbours Niger and Chad have severed diplomatic relations after Niger forgot to put the bins out three weeks running, and also plays loud music in its heartlands late into the night.
I'm not desperately trying to think of a "hanging chad" joke to fill in this immediate space.
Pomegranites have been declared illegal in Lichtenstein. Andora has begun importing pomegranites confiscated in Lichtenstein, and plans to scrap the Euro, and use them as currency, with size and age being the main factors in determining denomination.
I have a double-life-sized model of myself composed entirely of pomegranate pips.
"Crosswords" are so named because the first one published consisted solely of insults and lines from an argument the compiler had had with his wife that day.
I'm the urban spaceman, baby.
Tuj don't exist.
Astatine is the only element not to belong to a trade union.
Tujes always come in pairs, and are never seen alone. Projoys flock, and DrQu+xums herd. The collective noun for MC players is a gaggle, obviously.
Bob the dogs come in packs of seven. It is usually six, but there is a special offer on at the moment.
Many people enjoy living on ashrams, but these are now full up and will need emptying and wiping with a cloth by the barmaid.
I spend nearly all my time in a state of grace, and the remainder in a state of Grayson.
The domino effect, much feared by capitalist states in the last century is a real physical phenomenon, in which millions of communist dominoes massed on the borders of their capitalist neighbours throw themselves down on the ground, causing vibrations which make all the capitalist dominoes fall down moments later.
Simon Bolivar suffered from a bad case of bolivs, hence his name.
An interregnum is a period in between Reginalds.
An optimist is a man who looks after your eyes and a pessimist is a man who looks after your feet.
Bumble bees exist in a state of quantum flux, so that they never exist in one place with more than a 50% probability.
The part of a bumble bee which is not in the place where the bee is observed is called the bumble be-not.
Kiwi fruit are rather misleadingly named, since they in fact ripen into wallabies.
Nothing is better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
Lemons are made out of melons.
My stairs are made out of apples and pears.
Camberwell is radioactive again this afternoon.
There is no such thing as this-ness.
There's no this-ness like show-this-ness!
Loch Ness is the state of being like a Loch.
I regularly experience feelings of Lochness.
[Dunx] The latest theories in quantum apiology demonstrate that bumble bees cannot exist in a solitary state - they are always in a diapis form, known as the 2bee. On observing the diapis, the waveform collapses into either a present bee or the not present bee, in other words 2bee or not2bee.
Ibid is an unacknowledged genius. And Icelandic.
[Ibid] Ah - that explains a lot.
My parents were professional drinks coasters.
[Projoy] What a coincidence - my parents used to surf in a pint of Guinness left at the back table of the snug of the Kings Toenail pub in Wigan.
Spoons call lying snugly together "peopling"
Rambert Dance Company is a hotbed of satanism.
There are no suspicious practicioners of satanic square dancing across the road fom me. I am not scared.
As well as writing a Left-Hand Concerto for Paul Wittgenstein, who lost his arm in the war, Maurice Ravel wrote a No-Hands Concerto in G, in which the unfortunate amputee soloist prevails upon a fellow pianist to pick out the notes on his behalf.
[Pace BTG and Projoy] I often experience feelings of Lochnesslessness.
I have never experienced writer's blo
Labrador retrievers are entirely composed of tuna fish sandwiches
Marie Stopes wore the same body stocking for the whole of her thirties.
Body stocking is widely frowned upon by the authorities.
This week is National Spot the Aardvark week.
*points at Projoy* You have been spotted.
I have decided not to participate in National Spot the Aardvark week because my paint has dried up.
Swordmakers have discovered a fabulous new alloy based on sponge cake, which is stronger, lighter, and more delicious than anything based on steel. However, the more traditional swordsmiths have refused to use this alloy since it would render the phrase "a taste of cold steel" meaningless.
Princes all have little self-destruct buttons under the hair on the backs of their heads. They also have extendable power cords.
The cost of princes has remained fairly stable over the last 10 years, according to the Retail Prince Index.
I am the aardvark formally known as prince.
The auto-erotic sales section of our local paper advertises car-phone-sex-lines. Titles include Home-Alone Fiat Panda, Escort Service and MOT and Lick My Volvo.
That's nothing. There's a card in the telephone box round the corner advertising the favours of an Intercity locomotive. Goes like the 4.15 from Paddington, apparently.
Tomorrow is International Walk Like A Pirate Day. Arrr!!
With a parrot on my shoulder and a cutlass in my hand, I am spying on Kate Bush while hiding in her shrubbery. That's right, it's International Stalk Like A Pirate Day, arrrr!
I wanted to pick up on this running gag, but I can't owing to my wooden leg.
Long John Silver's horse had three wooden legs.
And, strangely, his dining table kept falling over.
The most famous pirate who ever sailed the seven seas was Gilbert Perkins, whom fate had destined to be a chartered accountant, but, by pure freak of chance, was given misleading advice by a senile careers advisor at the end of his O-levels.
Perkins would have had no chance at accountancy. He was half Irish, half Scottish, a quarter Canadian, two-thirds Polish, and seven-eighths Nigerian, so his teachers dismissed him as being mathematically impossible.
There may only be seven seas now, but there was an eighth until its warranty ran out and it sank.
Pirates are a myth created by a subterrainean bureaucracy that has severe spelling difficulties to mask it's activities with the King of Canada's daughter
tongue twisters make baby jesus cry
Jesus is the Son of God. Damn! No-one will buy that rubbish! Yarr!
Jesus is a cry baby. (Three nails and a briar never hurt anyone!)
I'm afraid I can't write a lie here at the moment as I'm too busy composing my next move for the Furcation Game.
Kimg Hussein of Jordan came to visit me,
and all for the sake of my little nut tree.
and all for the sake of my little nut tree.
That would be "King", of course. It's so confusing....
[matt] You're allowed to Pass...
You should always pass on the inside lane, unless it's raining, when you should use the outside lane. In the case of a dire need to prove something you can pass on the opposite side of the motorway, but only at a major junction. Otherwise, ramming the vehicle in front, especially if it's a minibus, articulated lorry or horse-drawn carriage is obligatory.
Robin Cook wielding a saucepan is the scariest thing on the seven seas.
Queen's 'Seven Seas of Rhye' was originally entitled 'Seven Seas' - much snappier, one would think. Anyway, those vitamin supplement people threatened litigation, Freddie went all huffy and re-named the track just to keep people guessing.
Freddie's earliest idea for the title was, in fact, "Christians can corrupt childrens' CD's, creating chaos", which was then shortened to "7 C's". This proves the monkeys and typewriters theory of probability.
I am David Blaine, this post is another example of my amazing powers - I made a computer with a wifi card out of water.
Each night when no one watches I astrally project into the nearest MacDonalds and wolf down a Big Mac or three.
Three days into my stunt I got bored writing in my journal and instead have started drawing pictures of housebricks.
I can see the pub from here
David Blaine came 'round for a cup of complan this morning.
There's no reason to talk like a pirate now.
I'd be averse to continuing.
I be continuing a verse.
Which is why I contributed a superb and witty last line to the current limerick.
Which is why I contributed a superb and witty last line to the current limerick.
I was going to write a currant Limerick, but couldn't think of a raisin.
Raisin The Titanic was a popular film amongst the dried fruit community.
Former Cincinnati Reds' owner Marge Schott has some wonderful anecdotes about dried fruits.
The National Association for the Advancement of Dried Fruit and Against Fruitist Defamation is campaigning for positive, realistic media portrayals of dried fruit, instead of images in advertisments showing tempting, non-mouldy, appetising, beautifully-coloured and plump dried fruits. Protests have begun and already five food stylists have been the victim of assault by prunes, apricots and papaya. The less radical National Association for Dried Fruit has condemned the attacks. A spokespineapple said "we need to integrate into society, not attack it" as he poured delicious cream over himself and laid in a dish, then proceeding to offer our reporter a spoon.
totally syntax grammar. and unnecessary is
Some radical peanuts, marginalised even among the dry snacks community, have formed "Nuts To You!" a dadaist organisation dedicated to making random piles of peanuts in unexpected contexts. In the latest "happening" three tons of peanuts, both dry roasted and uncooked, assembled in the Virgin Megastore on Times Square. Breakaway cashews attempted to form a rival pyramid on Broadway, but could only command three pounds of their number.
And in related news, there has been a small wok riot in a Chinese Supermarket in Leamington.
Sewage farms are just a myth. They are really a front for the Women's Institute.
... which rather makes you wonder about what's in the jam.
Projoy, you are truly awful. Now I know how you won the Turner Prize.
The General Post Office has largely fallen into obscurity these days, mainly because people don't need Generals posting through the mail any more. However some small businesses are able to fulfil the remaining niche market, such as postmeageneral.com
Circles are only circular on Tuesdays.
Squares have always wanted to be circular, but they've never got round to it.
Triangles have no wish to be square, but they do have guardian angles.
Lines cannot become triangles because they have no three will.
Spheres taste of strawberry, but circles are just plane.
I was going to launch into a discussion of mapping of steeplechase course in non-directed graphs, but then changed my mind when I realised that I don't even understand simple coordinate systems - I didn't want to put Descartes before the horse.
The Spanish government has decided to expel all members of ETA. By making them all leave via a single checkpoint it has effectively put all its Basques in one exit. (Points at Dunx: "Well, he started it!!")
Kim. That was not clever or funny.
[Dunx/Kim] Your posts have made me feel unhappy. Boo! Hiss!
My house is carpeted with Golden Syrup, so the floors are always beautifully flat.
I have a problem with rug addiction.
Rug addiction is a major cause of cream.
I've just been arrested for cruelty to parrots. Apparently you really can't have a macaque and eat it.
A macaque is a kind of parrot. It's nothing to do with monkeys at all.
I like marmot on toast for breakfast.
I tried to light a fire in my canoe once, but it sank. Seems you can't have your kayak and heat it.
"No, just disgracing a politican is enough...you can't have your Aitken beaten too."
As soon as I get out of bed in the morning I stand in front of the mirror practicising all the stances I am going to take that day. On the days I forget to do this, I am forced to stand to attention the whole day for fear of forgetting how to do the more complex stances and embarrassing myself.
I have 7 stances, 5 positions, 4 mannerisms, 3 poses and an attitude in my repertoire.
My vocabulary consists of just six words.
I don't have a vocabulary - I use a specially trained team of mice to type out my formless thoughts.
My vocabulary is white and furry and comes in handy on cold winter days.
There are a lot of highly ranked army chaps stuck to a wall in my house. It's a major sticking point.
I failed to snort painfully with laughter at Boolbar's miltary fib.
"Knees Up Mother Brown" is considered gynaecologically impossible.
I am suffering from irritable vowel syndrome.
The letter 'e' is considered obscene by the Mormons.
The second 'm' in 'Mormon' is silent.
All the letters in "pants" are silent.
There I was walking to Baghdad when this flatfish jumped on me from behind, pinned me to the ground and threatened to smash my face in. I was stuck between Iraq and a hard plaice.
Boolbar's post didn't amuse me in the least
I deliberately used bold there.
A bird in the hand is worth approximately £4.76, allowing for inflation and seasonal adjustment.
A bird in the hand is never a problem for Catholic priests.
Keeping your cock in your hand is no good if you want eggs fertilising.You have to put it down amongst the hens, of course - not really a lie, just a piece of gratuitous smut
My brother has an extemely large cock, which he has to carry around in a wheelbarrow. I don't think he keeps poultry though.
The replacement of the plumbing term "ball cock" with "float valve" is no loss to comedy whatsoever.
I have recently had to stop wearing pants after the neighbours complained about the noise.
Since I am not on holiday for a week I shall be able to post lots of lies.
[Boolbar] I, for one, am overjoyed for your lack of lies. </lie> Enjoy your holiday. <lie>
When Billy Connolly retires the 'f' word will disappear from the Scottish language - or the language of the Scots, whatever/whichever you prefer!
There is a forthcoming Hollywood blockbuster called'Squirrelzilla'. It stars Morgan Freeman and Dame Judi Dench.
Last night I had a nighmare about an antique hand-crafted Meershaum Briar. It transpired, however, that it was all just a pipe dream.
I have just watched a football match between Dagenham and Redbridge and Brighton and Hove Albion, but 44 players on the pitch made it too confusing.
Don't forget there are only 3 days until Xmas.
Unless you're Orthodox, then it was last month. Damn that Julian Calendar!
The Julian Calendar was supplemented in 1714 by the Sandy Calendar.
The top floor of the Swiss Re building in London is full of penguins.
50% of George Bush's vocabulary was learnt from mice.
Hyde Park is kept green by trained marmosets fertilising the grass.
Dreaming of duck-billed platypuses represents temporary monetary gain, followed by a messy divorce.
The first male human clone is rumoured to be capable of marsupial nurturing of echindnas.
When I go out to Gordon and Sheila’s Pommy-Aussie Chip Shop, I always have a Snake and Echidna pie with a can of Koala.
I just have one question. George Bush has a vocabulary?
Mandy Rice-Davies became a chrysalis shortly after the Profumo scandal broke and emerged as John Prescott.
Playing Mornington Crescent at 3am is an adequate substitute for sleep.
[JLE] Works for me.
[Angus] George W Bush is fluent in at least one language.
Ibid] I did not laugh out loud at that.
[JLE] Playing Mornington Crescent at 1am is better than sex.
I can think of plenty of things to write here now.
I am pining for the fjords?
Pine is the new oak.
Chorleywood, Northwood, St.John's Wood, Colliers Wood, and Oakwood have disappeared off the map to be replaced by Poplar, the 'Oaks' Royal and Gospel, and Becontree - which only goes to prove that you can't see the wood for the trees.
It didn't really take me 15 minutes to work out my last posting.
I had the radio on earlier, and it was You and Yours, but I did not listen.
"They", or even worse, "Them" always do things that you would never do.
Snot is the new plasticine.
And, unfortunately for anyone with a cold, plasticine is the new snot.
The collective term for female dogs is "an embarrassment".
Volvic mineral water is filtered through five hundred layers of solid granite, then three of marshmallow as a special treat, before being shot dead, then bottled in the wild.
I know this because I spent 20 years as a specialist Volvic hunter.
My computer is made of leather.
The word "Volvic" is not rude at all.
Up your volvic, Dunx!
[Dunx] I'm very sorry - that was not meant to be bold. Force of habit. I was oly pointing out that the meaning of a word depends greatly on its context. No offence intended to you or your volvic.
By using the Preview option, your carefully directed and sensitively chosen words will appear in a Bold font with an exclamation mark and 'leap off the page'. Don't worry, no-one will laugh.
Having someone laugh at you, or even adopt a knowing smirk, usually makes one feel good.
The word 'smirk' has no comedy potential whatsoever.
"Comedy Potential" is the scientific term for the difference of humour levels between the poor sod on stage and the audience and has been proven to often achieve negative levels.
Famous as the longest river in the world, the route of the Amazon is a good deal more complex than most people realise. Rising in Lake Balkash in Kazhakstan it flows through Tien Shan in the direction of Urumqi in Sinkiang Uighur, from whence it diverts sharply south towards Tibet, running eventually alongside the Himalayas for hundreds of miles before running parallel to, and in time joining, the Yellow River running towards the Pacific Ocean. It then disentagles itself from the Yellow River and runs back uphill for a while, then downhill again before climbing to a height of 50 feet above sea level, whereupon it is channeled into an aqueduct which it uses to cross the Pacific Ocean, by way of Manila and the Marshall Islands. It comes ashore at Tijuana, Mexico, and tours the perimeter of the town, taking the occasional photograph. It then catches the 13.45 train to San Diego, over the border, where it converts its yuans into US dollars and uses them to go see a movie before staying at the Embarcadero Hotel overnight. In the morning, it rises before dawn and dresses in camelskin pyjamas and pumps. It crosses the street and walks five blocks to Mason Avenue S., then calls in at number 453. It climbs the stairs, turns left on the landing and goes to third door on the right. After knocking and waiting patiently for a few moments for the door to be opened, it asks if Billy can come out to play. The Amazon river and Billy then bound down the stairs two at a time and go play in the park, especially on the roundabout. Eventually there is a tearful separation as the river wends on its course to San Diego airport, where it checks in its silt, is checked for security and takes the 16.30 flight to Lima. It arrives with a freshly pressed shirt and attends a meeting with dignitaries from Japan, and gives a presentation on the expanding pirhana market. Finally it is kidnapped by international terrorists and smuggled over the border to Brazil, then dumped in the Amazon basin, where it runs via Manaus to the Atlantic coast, carrying vast amounts of silt and freshwater life into the ocean.
The Titanic was lunched in 1912.
I carefully read and understood all of Projoy's short and pithy statement.
Projoy was obviously pithed when he typed that. It's not big and it's not clever.
I'm not that big but I am pretty clever. A bit like Chalks, in that respect. I blow my own trumpet, for Rosie's sake, in B flat, one would say.
How gloriously comprehensible this all is. Squirrel.
Nicknamed "the Welsh Windbag" by Private Eye magazine and "Kinocchio" by the Tories, Projoy had the thankless task of leading the Labour Party during its so-called "unelectable" period. Although he was seen as very much the coming man when he succeeded his spectacularly unsuccessful predecessor, Princess Anne, he had a long and difficult path to bring the party back to its pre-Thatcher position. Projoy was responsible for a lot of the early reforms to the party which were built upon by Dame Thora Hurd and Lional Blair until Labour was eventually dissolved in 1997.
That makes me proud to be a windbag.
The Labour Party stands for the less privileged in our society.
I can spell privelged, privelidged (oh, bugger!) # cuts and pastes ... privileged.
Politicians are all highly intelligent beings, and also very attractive.
Angus is looking at the world through rose tinted NHS glasses.
I am fascinated by party political conferences - they are just so relevent to everyday life.
Criminologists all have something green on their desks.
Criminologists are all scoundrels, knaves, rogues, blighters and cads. In my day, you could get a life sentence for criminology and there was far less of it about. In my opinion this so-called government should bring back the cat-o-nine-tails, the thumbscrew, the rack, the Iron Maiden and Noels House Party.
I've been to one of Noel Gallagher's house parties. It was quite stuffy, but he did do his party piece -- his impression of Neville Chamberlain.
Noel Gallagher is also highly intelligent and very attractive. A complete charmer and a gentleman.
Noel Gallagher also calls himself simply "Gaagher", although he avoids using this name near Star Trek fans for fear of being confused with a Klingon dish of blood worms.
Klingon blood worms are delicious
If you ever see someone dressed as a Klingon, the traditional greeting is to punch them in the stomach.
Cling film makes a sylish turban for those bad hair days.
sp/stylish
Turban is the latest 'buzz word' for a normally aspirated internal combustion engine - excluding, of course, Wankel designs, which have a totally different mode of operation.
Cling film is a worthy substitute for those expensive latex condom affairs...
Prophylactics can be used to help keep food fresh. (Actually, they probably can...)
Popups are good! Everyone loves popups! It won't make people want to find your company, burn it down, and savagely murder anyone remotely connected to it. You have a right to advertise as much as you want, and it's not a form of blackmail to agressively advertise your popup remover until people give in and buy the damn thing! NO, NOT AT ALL!
I love popups, too. Such fun! And road humps. Up and down goes the car. I gurgle with childish glee.
I refuse to use Mozilla Firebird because of its built-in pop-up blocker.
Pop-ups are the new spam. Why can't they be canned as well?
Pop-up spam is a delicacy that can be enjoyed by all who have a toaster.
Software has grasped the essential conceit of this game.
That last comment wasn't a mere cheap shot resulting from a grumpy mood.
Richard Whitely used to be an Olympic figure skater.
The British Library contains all the manuscripts of Peter B. Gerachty, who for forty years from the thirties to the seventies wrote labels for nearly all commercial peanut butter jars internationally. Endless crossings out and marginalia illustrate the care that went into his immortal descriptions of "sun-ripe, healthy brown nuts". His works were translated into more than a hundred languages.
Circus acts often have their clothes made from serving trays. Every clown has an salver lining.
I love deadlines.
- Especially where REALLY big essays are involved
In 1960,Tog became the fifth member of the Beatles. It's unclear exactly what animal he was - possibly a cross between a rabbit and a squirrel, but he was a pianist of extraordinary talent and profound insight. Tog brought a powerful virtuosity and intimate lyricism to the Beatles music. Sadly, the appointment of another stuffed toy angered Yoko Ono and contributed to the Beatles inevitable break-up. In 1969, Tog left the Beatles and formed the now legendary Pogles, changing the face of British rock and roll forever. Sadly, he died in 1977, when someone dropped a Clanger.
The camber on my road is so great that I need a pitons and a rope just to cross to the other side.
Luckily, Chickens can fly so they are unaffected by the problem.
[Projoy] Surely if that becomes a problem you can move out of Camberwell -- after all, isn't in implicit in the name?
Iain Duncan Smith (all three of them) lives in Camberwick
County and borough boundaries in the UK are all marked by a small unbroken line of yellow (or sometimes ultramarine) bricks. All the brick lines together make a giant turf maze. There is a prize for anyone who makes it to the middle.
Camber Sands is being marketed as the English Ski resort. However, water skiing is banned until heaven is a half pipe.
Rolf from The Muppets is generally considered the greatest classical pianist of the twentieth century.
Yellowstone Park is so called because many of the rocks there will scream blue murder if struck with a mallet.
Purbright is the centre of the Universe.
Everyone in Crewe is a Zoroastrian, but no-one has had the heart to tell them.
Seven-week old babies are quite happy to let you have a good night's sleep, as long as they are persuaded by sound, logical argument that it is the right thing for them to do. And they never shit all over you.
Seven weak, old babies just stole my shopping.
Seven wee cold babies are perfect for draft insultion.
Severn wake oiled babies should be carefully peeled before eating.
The Severn Bore is nevertheless more interesting than most politicians.
"Severn Wives For Severn Brothers" is the title of my new screenplay.
7 is the current number of weapons of mass destruction found in Iraq. As yet, none have been found in America.
7, contrary to popular misconception, is, in fact, the lonliest number.
7 is also carnivorous, for as we all know, 7 8 9
We also know that when three French cats, called Un, Deux and Trois, went out in a sailing boat and that boat struck a rock, Un, Deux, Trois cats sank.
The rising sea-level Cinque Ports.
Puns are impossible in French.
The Germans have no sense of humour
The whole country is gripped by the Conservative party conference.
I would never consider moving to Canada, especially if Arnold Schwarzenegger were elected to a major political position.
Canadians are well known for all dressing as Mounties all of the time.
Mounties are famous for standing around in groups singing songs about lumberjacks.
Martina Navratilova used to be a lumberjack, or should that be a lumberjill. No, a lumberjack.
I sleep all night and work all day.
The Beatles were right chuffed when I donated to them the words for 'A Hard Day's Night'.
Florence Nightingale experienced a life-changing dilemma when she was presented with the choice of marrying T E Lawrence or Sam Torrance. She rejected both on account of their utterly ridiculous surnames and instead, went on to make a successful career out of singing in Berkeley Square.
Berkley Square is actually a 'retirement' home for loud dogs. There is only one resident at any given time. New 'inductees' are required to combat the current resident in a fight to the death. Needless to say, the top-dog is always a right mongrel. .......[Chalky] Classic, I actually laughed out loud!
Florence Nightingale's biggest hit was "Crimea River".
She also worked on a duet with Simply Red - 'Night Nurse' of course. Incidently, that was their best song ever.
Prams cannot be fooled by merely placing a baby-sized package of flour in them.
</lie>[Projoy] Fantastic!<lie>
</lie>[Projoy] Fantastic!<lie>
Pram is the abbreviation of diazepram
Squash is so named from the lack of space in the court. Professional players enjoy the mixed doubles most.
Lady Chatterley's first name was actually Natalie.
The email address of the hero of Joseph Heller's novel and film is Khatchachurian22@....
Paradoxes of time can be a problem. For instance, I'm just about to shoo
The plot of The Pirates of Penzance was originally going to revolve around items of clothing, hence the trio 'A Pair of Socks, a pair of socks, a most int'resting pair of socks'
Una Stubbs is a keen blancmange knitter, and has created a range of stunning 'jelly' socks. A blancmange knit stitch is formed by inserting the needle in the front of the jelly loop and pulling a cream loop of yarn through to form a new mixed loop. A purl stitch is formed by inserting the needle in the back of the cream loop and pushing a jelly loop of yarn through to form a mixed loop.
Una's other clothing innovations include the Jelly-Roll-neck sweater and a classic wobble-hat.
Una's other clothing innovations include the Jelly-Roll-neck sweater and a classic wobble-hat.
E numbers refer to the number of cats that had to die in order to bring you the additive. This is why you never see an e number with .5 on the end (unless the manufacture of the product involved quantum physics experiments).
E120 is Crinoline Yellow, and causes hyperactivity in those with big hooped skirts
I have not just speculated on why "crinoline yellow" might be a plausible name for a color.
Every sequel is inevitably better than the first movie.
(Projoy, re E numbers) Schrödinger would have understood.
The US govt. is discussing expanding the US, and currently has a set of designers in who are commissioned with designing a possible 51st state. The Senate committee in charge of the project have agreed that they'd like something in green, with maybe some yellow at the edges. They want the new state to have a purple flag, and its brand identity must involve concepts such as fun, forestry and ideally, oil. Street parties and schools with spectacular water features will also figure heavily, according to the glossy prospectus. Ideas for a name so far include Pachydermia, Republicanland and GOP-ia. An interesting detail of the plan is that the state will have a projected population of 1,500 - and the same number electoral college votes in Presidential elections.
Archeologists have just found the pyramid housing the tomb of Queen Victoria
Archeologists are people who study long running Radio 4 soap operas.
</lie> [Ibid] That's not too far off, is it? <lie>
[Projoy] Currently, this state is planned to be build in a quiet backwater in the Middle East, in a country called Iraq.
This morning I ceded from the United Kingdom. Anyone who wants to speak to me must now pass through customs and pay a landing tax.
[BM] The Peoples' Independent State of Qu+xum is willing to accept an ambassador from your state, and vice-versa.
I am in State Usquo, which exports Rock in all over the world.
The TV Quiz Show, Fifteen to One has recently gone binary.
I watched tonights episode of "Who Wants to be a 11110100001001000000aire".
My age looks much nicer in hexadecimal.
My doctor recently advised me that aging is a totally unnecessary process and is caused by eating.
My doctor told me that heart attacks can be caused by blocked archery.
If you try dialling my phone number in binary, you get through to the emu house at London Zoo.
The emu house at London Zoo is pink and shaped like a windmill.
Flamingos are really swans. But someone put them in the wash with a Man Utd shirt on 'non-fast coloureds' instead of 'delicates' and they emerged all lumpy, stretched-out and pink. [ ... had to be done. Ref. laundry - Banter & Limericks].
And by the same process, but with shrinking, we get red pandas.
Edwina Currie washed John Major's y-fronts with an octopus.
That last statement makes perfect sense.
My old man's a dustman.
The day Wednesday was invented by Lloyd Anderson, an industrialist from Kentucky.
Andrew Lloyd Webber invented cheese.
Tim Rice egged him on.
Goats' cheese can cure fifteen known major diseases, and thirty-seven unknown minor ones.
The electric lightbulb was invented 20 years before electricity was discovered.
The Electric Light Bulb were a pop/prog-rock band in the late 70's and early 80's. Their stadium performances were renowned for their stunning light shows.
I have just written a children's book called The Ninety Day Quest of Salif Ramak.
The term "progressive rock" was coined from an NME article when they described the experience of listening to an early Marillion album as: "like swallowing a small rock and feeling it progress through your intestines until it bursts out of your bum bringing with it all the putrid garbage that it gathered along the way"
Tea did not spurt copiously from my nose when reading Huxleys posting.
I didn't do any spurting and what's more - this game doesn't amuse me in the least.
I am not amused. Being a progressive rock fan, I have no sense of humour.
I didn't just scan in a copy of a local takeaway menu and install it as wallpaper on the PC of my absent colleague.
For the second time today, tea did not spurt copiously from my nose when reading the previous posting.
The screen saver on my PC is a video of Bob the Dog spurting tea copiously from his nose set to a progressive rock soundtrack.
The English city of York was named after New York City in the US.
Windsor castle was built close to Heathrow Airport to allow tourists easy access via the M4.
David Blaine switches with a stunt double at 6:00 every evening so that he can have tea and watch the news.
Due to rising land values, The City has been relocated from central London to a disused quarry in Devon.
My application to join the Girl Guides was finally approved today. I start next Monday, with a troop in Renfrewshire.
Coffee plus more coffee equals tea.
BigMac - Roadkill = Bread
If you lick an electric socket, it'll cure you of asthma. (You won't have to worry about breathing any more - guaranteed!)
Everything I say rhymes.
The highest quality taramasalata is pink because of the extra fingers that went into the mincer.
Rhyme doesn't pay
Rhyme for sale! Rhyme for sale! Buy it by the metre!
I am pro-joy.
I am Indifferenttojoy.
I am a girl
I type at four hundred words a minute, which is why I have a buckling spring Assault Keyboard on my desk.
[Angus] Is there something you're not telling me? I don't even have a modem!
Beanz doez not mean fartz.
I tried going to work on an egg, once.
If you want to get a head, don't get a hat but invest in a guillotine instead.
I was contracted to appear as one of the lambs in The Silence of the Lambs, but I got myself fired for making impassioned out-of-character speeches and singing old Goodies hits.
I'm sorry that I made such a hash of running the universe today.
I'm not.
I spend most weekends dressed as a forlorn tikka cheese and chutney sandwich at the back of the fridge in the local Spar.
Projoy's last statement would fit nicely into the lyrics of The Lonely Goat Herd and would scan if you left out the word 'trumpet'.
Actually, it wouldn't scan if the barcode was all scrunched up.
I'm really busy at work.
All cheese is watching your every move.
Everyone in my family except me has a diploma in advanced footstamping from the Milk and Fisheries Enterprise Council
Country dancing is about the most powerful form of protest against society. It has been employed to devastating effect in eight of this country's most successful coups.
Only one starfish has ever risen to cabinet rank in this country, and this is principally down to the fact that starfish are unable to speak, write, debate, frame legislation, understand a ministerial brief or be bound by any kind of collective responsibility.
I don't have time to read or even smile at all the recent entries because I'm still working my socks off.
Folk music is vastly improved by sticking your finger into someone else's ear.
Boolbar has just described how and why the phrase waxing lyrical came into being.
Hash browns are so named for their resemblance to rapid access data structures. Other delicious choices for breakfast treats include linked list greens and array yellows.
"La plume de ma tante est dans le bureau de mon oncle" is loosely translated as "My aunt and uncle are at it like knives."
I like knives *slithery laugh*
I like slithering!
So do ophidiophobists.
Most wild Australian snakes are harmless, easy to catch and make excellent pets.
He who drinks Australian thinks clearly.
I'm asleep.
Nightmares sort out the problems of the day and leave you bright and fresh in the morning.
I'm still asleep. I don't have to wake up at 5 AM.
Captain Titus Oates came back in a few minutes later and said, 'Blimey it's a bit nippy out there, I best take me coat'.
Somewhere in the sprawling metropolis - in his secret laboratory - an evil wrongdoer is hatching a dark plot to become the queen and rule the world. Could this be another job for “Security Hamster”?
Donald Rumsfeld has trained 30,000 security hamsters in the last three months.
By a remarkable co-incidence, 30,000 is also the my annual take-home pay.
30,000 is my annual take-home pay too. I am paid in groats.
I am paid in quarks, which makes me a multi-multi-trillionaire.
30,000 groats is worth about 50p in stirling, or 534,678 in Euros.
I am also paid in Quark, but I have run out of chilled storage space for any more processed cheese.
I come from a long-established line of mongers. My family have been mongers for as long as anyone can remember. My father is a fishmonger, his father was an ironmonger and his father before him was a costermonger. My mother was an accomplished rumour- and scandalmonger but the spin-doctor said she had to give it up on account of her back. I thought I would go into domainmongering but my dad says its a flash in the pan and the real money is in war.
The rise of Donald Rumsfeld was foretold by Nostradamus, the ancient Mayans, the Book of Revelations, and the 12th June 1973 edition of 'Womens Weekly'.
Somewhere in the unfashionable suburbs, an attractive and scantily clad female has been trapped in the attic of a burning warehouse as part of a plot to swindle her inheritance. Could this be a job for "Fire-fighter Guinea-pig"?
I am diary secretary to Fire-fighter Guinea-pig and I am working very hard for little pay.
Meanwhile in Cricklewood, the Fire-fighter Guinea-pig's arch-nemesis, the Combustible Shrew, is hatching a plot for his rival's demise. And his diary secretary gets paid a lot
Schopenhauer had forty-three ducks and enjoyed chasing them around a lake in a long Benny-Hill style line.
Each day I calculate my position in relation to BBC Broadcasting House using Pythagorus' Theorem.
After being made redundant from Playschool, Hamble joined the police force and is now a detective inspector.
Mutton can be used as paper.
If you find you appreciate art too much, your best bet is to take an anaesthetic.
[Projoy] Does calculating your position using Pythagoras' Theorem involve using a right East Anglian?
Most Roman mosaics are actually massive Rubik's Cubes that have gone stiff and settled in one configuration. The pictures they appear to show are projections from the viewers mind.
"A right East Anglian" is a euphemism in the church for anyone who routinely appoints gay bishops.
My bishop has been deceased since 1985 but still says Sunday mass with the aid of a truss, two vicars, and a ventriloquist.
Conifer trees are very militaristic. During the cold war, hundreds volunteered to leap into the Arctic Ocean and scud around under the Polar ice cap looking for enemy submarines.
Privet bushes can reach speeds of nearly 200mph on the flat.
Pot Noodles are highly nutritious
They are also deadly when armed with a straw and a small handful of frozen peas
Frozen peas should under no circumstances be defrosted without adequate radiation shielding and a written promise from the President of the US that they won't view it as a hostile act.
Somewhere in the derelict gothic red-brick tenement zone of Bromsgrove City, a wicked gang hides in a dark alleyway, awaiting the faltering step of a dear old lady as she leaves the Post Office with her £27.50 pension. Could this be another case for “Judgement Squirrel”?
Kate Bush fans were entirely responsible for the great Cadbury's Fruit and Nut shortage of 1989.
A group of hungry badgers were entirely responsible for the great Kate Bush fan shortage of 1996.
Kate Bush was entirely responsible for the chain of Pop Music Reeducation Centres which were implicated in literally several cases of enforced induction of Duran Duran fans into the Kate Bush fan club using highly sophisticated brainwashing techniques. Said one escapee, "It was awful. I will never be able to go near any windy moors again without flashbacks." The trial continues.
When Kate Bush ran as the Democratic candidate for the US presidency in 2001, one witty pundit was heard to remark "Great - now there's a bush in both camps!".
Ex-president Clinton would have known what to do with a Bush.
Duran Duran were entirely responsible for the recent trend in repetition - see 'Education, Education, Education', 'Location, Location, Location' and 'Iain, Duncan, Smith'
They are also responsible for "Titty titty, bum, bum".
And "Papa's Got A Head Like A Ping Pong Ball"
A squirrel was recently voted as an MEP representing Latvia after the previous encumbent had a heart attack after seeing a man being run over by a tram.
[Tuj] Typo there, you missed out the last 'p'. Some homeless men in Riga can reach a weight of three and a half tonnes.
The square root of an octagon is a rhombus.
I have just abandoned my career and gone to live as a chimbley sweep in Pembroke.
Stendahl had three knees.
No news is Japanese theatre information.
Somewhere in the dark mid-Atlantic, far from the hurricane battered West Cornwall shoreline, a small inflatable dinghy packed with boy scouts has developed a slow puncture. Could this be another job for "Lifeboat Badger"?
Boy scouts, when packed into a deflatable dinghy, look just like sardines on toast.
Cojones are a type of tomato, that taste lovely with lettuce.
Cojones were used against St. Paul when he sent lettuce to the Corinthians.
The Corinthians, however, were on the Atkins diet, and would only eat Romaine.
A boy scout on a raft is American short-order cook language for a poached egg on toast.
Scrambled egg on toast never goes cold.
Dujon] I see you've misspelled 'Scambled egg' again.
The Indian Ocean has a catflap.
Women do not have muscles; they locomote as spiders do, by redistributing the blood pressure in blood vessels around the joints.
I exploded again today.
Raak's comment didn't give me the heebie jeebies.
Lilith Hebden-Bowles was a celebrated monkey parlour singer in the forties, and was ground down and converted into sheet music when she died.
Somewhere on a busy Wolverhampton freeway a Cadburys tanker has shed its load of Crème Egg filler, halting the progress of a chilled juggernaut carrying an express consignment of penguins for Dudley Zoo. Could this be another job for "Traffic chinchilla"?
Bob the dog's next posting will have nothing to do with "Paramedic Shrew". ;)
. . . . and it won't include the words "jelly" and "foghorn".
Triangles don't have three sides. It's all a government conspiracy.
Gerbils are remarkable propagandists.
Hamsters are better because of their ability to pouch bad news.
Michael Parkinson is controlled using a sophisticated fly-by-wire system operated by Matthew Corbett.
I have never used a computer.
Parabolas are used in the hunting of free fall parachutists.
Somewhere in the orange scented tapestry booth behind Wesley's 'Bring and Break' emporium, "Paramedic Shrew" struggles to free herself from the clutches of an evil lime flavoured Jelly Foghorn. Could this be another job for "Surreal Anteater"?
[BtD] Obviously not.
Meanwhile, in other news, smoking has been proven good for you by scientists in Peru. They have also proved the existence of "Fnnergahl", but they haven't conclusively proven what it is yet.
Meanwhile, in other news, smoking has been proven good for you by scientists in Peru. They have also proved the existence of "Fnnergahl", but they haven't conclusively proven what it is yet.
My mum let me store tramps urine in my wardrobe, mind you I thought it was cider until I drank it. It tasted a lot better than cider.
Humpty Dumpty jumped off the wall because he was a crack addict.
According to the latest conspiracy theory the men belonging to the 'grand' old Duke of York did not return.
Marmosets taste of liquorice.
I haven't been missing Fat German's contributions to this game...
The French word for Germany is "Alopecia".
The French word for Germany is "Alopecia".
Bob the Dog's next posting will not include the words "jaffa", "igneous", or "Marmoset".
Kim's previous posting does not include the words "jaffa", "igneous", or "Marmoset".
I have never, and never intend to, use the word "Fruit".
Improper use of fruit in a built-up area contravenes the Ten Commandments.
Orange plantations on the boarders of Mt Kracatoa take advantage of natural geothermal energy to produce the world's first environmentally sustainable marmalade. However, this enerprise is threatened by a blockage of solidified rock that has caused the production to cease. This is probably a job for "Igneous Jaffa Marmoset".
Inserting a marmoset into an orange produces enough electricity to power a personal organiser.
I don't like this game. I'm not going to join in.
I'm not going home now.
The airbags in the new Rover 75 are made of the same material as Christopher Biggins.
Candyfloss is the best insulator for lofts.
In sh*t the * is pronounced uh.
I have Lord Byron's bicycle. It looks exactly like a book called "Java in a Nutshell", but that is a merely accidental property, its fundamental essence being that of Lord Byron's bicycle. It has previously been a terrapin living in Smolensk, a cigar smoked by Churchill, and the Pope's third-best mitre.
<singing>
I want to ride Lord Byron's bicycle, I want to ride Lord Byron's bike.
I want to ride Lord Byron's bicycle!, I want to ride it where I like!
</singing>
I promise never to sing in here again.
I want to ride Lord Byron's bicycle, I want to ride Lord Byron's bike.
I want to ride Lord Byron's bicycle!, I want to ride it where I like!
</singing>
I promise never to sing in here again.
In Thailand, squirrel kebabs doused in Ovaltine are the official snacks consumed by the upper class. They also spit on their own toenails for good luck.
I am Spartacus
COnventional museum display techniques have this week been lambasted by the Internation Conference of Curators. The conference broke up with a determination by all delegates that henceforth they will put the biggest thing at the bottom then put something slightly smaller on top of that, and so on, until they reach the ceiling.
There are only 10 insects in the whole world, it's all done with mirrors.
The following is a good way to keep fit at work and is an excellent method for attracting a potential husband/wife.
1) Tune your radio or PC tuner to BBC Radio 2 and wait for the next light tune to start
2) Stand next to your radio or PC, feet apart, knees bent, back straight 3) Slowly tip your head from side to side
4) After about 30 seconds, gradually raise your arms to shoulder height, fists clenched
5) Keeping your arms raised, wiggle your little fingers in time with the music
6) Screw up your face making sure to pucker your mouth (think ‘dog’s bottom’)
7) Being careful to keep your face like this, sing the lyrics for ‘Wired for Sound’ by Cliff Richard (ignore the music on the radio)
8) Start to move around the room, knees bent, elbows waggling with your little fingers
9) At the end of the music, raise your arms over your head and shout ‘YEAH!’.
I am not wearing a gnome's hat and ears, attached by elastic under my chin.
'Tea and cucumber' is my favourite sandwich filler.
Suddenly I find that I no longer fear for Tuj' sanity.
Halloween derives from the ancient custom of introducing yourselves to your neighbours as winter draws in so that anyone who is new to the area following the summer's inevitable house churn will have someone to talk to over the long cold season.
Pumpkins are elastic and can be expanded by vigorous inflation with a bicycle pump.
The rare orange pumpkin is considered a delicacy in certain parts of the USA, when it is eaten raw with a sprinkling of anchovy. The more common purple pumpkin is only edible when combined with jalapeno peppers and a small amount of carob paste to make rissoles.
Pumpkin carving only became popular in Latvia after it was discovered to ward against the visits of Jehovah's Witnesses.
I have a giant pumpkin for a head. I need to carve out eyes for myself every morning because they heal over when I go to sleep.
That was too disturbing - I shan't post anything more about pumpkins now.
Pumpkins are just a large form of nutmeg which arose after colonists attempted to interbreed that delicious spice with plains buffalo in order to have pre-tenderised meat. Wild pumpkin herds are almost extinct now, though, following a devastating outbreak of rind and pip disease.
My mother uses a pumpkin as a bowling ball. It tends to leak a bit on its way down the lane, but it makes for a delicious snack as it is served up by the ball return machine.
Plenty more where those came from!
Pumpkins are giant amoebæ with bad cholesterol.
I am the Queen.
I am a Queen.
We are the Queen
We are the champions
...of the Commonwealth... (thank you TBT)
...Games.
Scientific high-vacuum equipment rely on colonies of microscopic vacuum squirrels, that gather and horde the molecules from the air.
I tried to manage a haunted house once, but could only eek out a living.
I have never eeked in my life and even peeking is not in my nature.
It is now an hour earlier than you think it is (UK only).
I am Tiger Woods
I am one of Tiger Woods' woods.
My digital camera has got five fingers. For recreational purposes, it regularly visits Harrods and indulges in a little light pick-pocketing.
My dog is well behaved and has never de-carpeted the entire hallway.
Rip Torn was a carpet salesman; he sold snakes.
To render the stunning special effects sequences for the Matrix trilogy, FX production company ESC used 12 Commodore 64's located in a custom built facility in San Fransisco. Each machine generated frames that were stored, in compressed form, on a 5 1/4 inch floppy disk. The resulting 632,000 disks were subsequently airlifted to a second facility for the final composite work. The rendering process at the San-Fransisco facility took 12 years.
I thought the Matrix Sequel was well worth watching.
Diamond Geezers are a girl's best friend.
I do not have to go to work soon.
[Tuj] I am always an hour earlier than you think.
Rather than reset my clocks and video, I just moved the sun forward 15 degrees in the sky.
Boolbar] My sun won't do this. You have to wind it back a complete year until you end up at the right time.
The old analogue sun was replaced in March this year. If you look carefully, you will notice that the sun now moves in 1 degree jumps.
[FG] You're kidding! It was dreadful!
I run my the power of the moon, so during the daytime I have to sleep in a coffin to avoid the harmful sun.
I run my the power of the moon, so during the daytime I have to sleep in a coffin to avoid the harmful sun.
I, too, run by the power of the moon. I have a small diesel generator in my arse.
I'm currently retrofitting it to run off methane, so that I can eat a bowl of chili and sell the remaining wattage.
It's not so much that my hovercraft is full of eels, as that the eels just won't let go of the steering.
It's not so much that I want you to come back to my place bouncy-bouncy, it's just that there's nowhere around here to park the space-hopper.
What would Brian Boitano do? It almost certainly would involve Harris Tweed.
Euphemisms have been outlawed in 30% of Chechnya.
Nell Gwyn's place in history would have been assured if she'd accepted the marriage proposal of either Alexander Graham Bell or Colin Sell. She died, however, content in the knowledge that she'd been immortalised in the opening line of Gray's Elegy.
My boyfriend constantly complains. We're going out tonight for an evening of whining and dining.
The Bolivian Death Marmot, a fearsome little beast, can spray its highly poisonous and corrosive gastric juices up to a distance of ten meters. Nevertheless, brave Death Marmot hunters capture and skin them for their beautiful (and quite valuable) pelts, and when boiled with yams, they can be mashed into a paste that not only cures baldness, but also tastes exactly like buttered popcorn.
Indeed, Riff, in fact - when banged around with a pestel and mortar it's better than viagra; least ways, it is suppose to have certain, err, effects - just as is popcorn in the back row of the cinema, (well, so I'm told.) ... ;-)
Ruckily ri reek rin ra rorral rashion. Reveryrody ran runderrand re.
Ri runderrood revery rord rof rat.
Helicopters fly by repelling the ground away from them because they are so ugly.
My solar plexus stops working when the sun goes in.
All cows are called Colin.
This is how "Colindale" got its name.
All pigs are called Birmingham.
. . . except me.
All chickens have one purple feather just under their left wingpit
I used to own a walking stick which was fluent in fourteen languages. Unfortunately, none of them was English, so I encouraged it to follow an academic career at Leeds University, where it is now a staff professor.
groan.
The equator is far from being an imaginary line -- it is, in fact, the seam where the top half of the Earth unscrews. The interior is used to store fudge.
The equator is far from being an imaginary line -- it is, in fact, the seam where the top half of the Earth unscrews. The interior is used to store fudge.
There is no such thing as pie.
Chain-link fences are woven by large mechanical spiders..
I store a large jug of platypus milk in my hat, just in case of emergencies.
Dunx] My walking stick was crap - it limped.
I suffer from an acute phobia of spignurtles, although fortunately these are not due to be invented until the year 2178.
I am not an American.
I worked at the white House in the 90's. I have the distinction of being the only woman there that Bill Clinton did not hit on. I have to have therapy, as a result.
[Tina]Yes, I remember you from your antics in the ante-room.
Thyme heals all wounds.
Tina] What an amazing coincidence! I also worked at the White House in the 90's. Sadly I had to leave office in January 2001 – after having hit on every woman in my employment except one.
Many people have scoffed at Secretary-of-State and former general Colin Powell for pronouncing his forename with the long 'o' sound, but it is actually a homage to the fact that he has discovered he is descended from one of Louis Pasteur's original specimens of E-Coli. George W. Bush's great-great-great grandfather was actually a sneeze from George Washington's horse.
There is no such thing as America
Chalk is actually fossilized snow.
Riff - you have a poor sense of humour. I am not glad you are posting here.
I'm glad Bob hasn't posted anything about a small mammalian superhero lately.
[Bob] Your words offend me greatly; I rue the day I came here.
Atop the Rotunda, overlooking the dilapidated and crumbling 1960s concrete Bull Ring arcade, evil Birmingham city centre development engineers plot a complete redevelopment of the entire West Midlands into the worlds biggest handbag-shaped shopping experience. Could this be another job for "Planning objection Gerbil"?
I can remember the amusing comment I was going to post here earlier. I don't think it was about IDS.
I discovered America. It happened quite by accident when I was searching the freezer for ice cream.
Mericas come in packs of twenty from you local corner shop. Buy a merica today!
I smoked a Merica once, but I don't remember how it tasted.
A Merica (vintage 2001-present) does not have a taste akin to a pile of cowsh*t.
Amazingly, cowsh*t tastes rather like strawberries.
I wouldn't know, but I'll defer to those who do.
The word 'defecate' is one which should never, ever, be used in print.
"Print" is a word that should never be spoken.
'Print' is a basic function that all computers master first time, and never have any problem with.
Sports commentators go to special schools where they are taught how to form metaphors.
I am not going to post the sentence "I've never metaphor I didn't like".
... as the mathematician said to the slide rule.
I know exactly what I am going to demo in ninety minutes, so I'll just spend a few minutes in here so I am a bit more relaxed.
Deep in the jungles of the Amazon Basin, there is a small tribe of natives that build their huts entirely out of radishes.
I meant to do that.
When I interned at the White House, Hillary Clinton and I spent many careless Sunday afternoons sitting lotus style on the bed in the Lincoln room, playing gin rummy, smoking cigars, and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
In Australia 'peanut butter' is synonymous with 'VegemiteTM' and tastes exactly the same.
The Japanese parliament consists entirely of little robot dogs.
If you peel an onion layer by layer and then put the layers back together in the reverse order you will create an area of space time which Frenchmen and the influence of France cannot penetrate. In this manner you can be near a peeled onion and feel no tears in your eyes at all.
<lie>Halloween is a holiday that is based around embracing scary things, particularly those involving Michael Portillo, the Daily Telegraph, Kenneth Clarke and the mythical Michael Howard. Ghosts, witches, black cats, goblins, banshees zombies, and demons, as well as Dracula and Frankenstein flee in terror on Halloween, when these strange figures are said to rise from the dead. </lie>
George W. Bush will be dressing up as his father tonight and going door to door begging for candy.
Dick Cheney will actually be dressing up as Hans Blix and going rubble-pile to rubble-pile in Tikrit begging for weapons of mass destruction. If he gets any, he'll put them in his secret lair under Pikes Peak.
The road to the top of Pike's Peak is the safest in America and may be driven at high speed with impunity.
You are the only person who can read this. Everyone else thinks it's a picture of the Eiffel Tower.
The Eiffel Tower was built by specially trained miniature french poodles. They were all worked to death, which is why they are now extinct.
I enjoy Halloween - especially having eggs thrown at my window, which I intend to use at a later date for mousaka.
I love Hallowe'en too. I spend the night of October 31st every year sitting atop the Eiffel Tower, talking to the ghosts of the miniature poodles, and launching eggs at Angus Prune's window with my ICBE launcher.
I alse threw eggs at Angus Prune, but missed every time.
Nicholas Parsons merely has to smile at them to heal damaged houseplants.
It is impossible to draw a picture of Michael Howard without the use of a chisel.
It is impossible to draw a picture on Michael Howard without the use of a chisel.
*SNAP* !
My feet are loger than my shins.
My feet are loger than my shins.
LONGER
My fridge is completely full, and I have plenty of money. </whinge>
The quickest way to Birmingham is through the middle of the roadworks on the M6 in rush hour.
The quickest way to Birmingham is to seek enlightenment as a combination cub scout/Buddhist monk, and then get earn a badge in Divinity. Ascend to Nirvana, and turn left.
I am so wonderful at my job, that people dare not look directly at me. Or it could be my lack of sleep.
Sleep is so useless that I never bother using it.
RE: Business Proposal/Partnership Investment
Dear Friend,
I received encouraging information about you and how trust worth you are. I am delighted with such a useful information. I am interested in the partnership investment program with your corporation. First permit me to introduce myself as Governor Sandy Soko of the Western Sahara State in the Democratic Republic of Sahara (A tiny Island in the Desert). Being the chief executive and the governor of my State. I awarded the contract of IRRIGATION to Portuguese Firm worth several millions of dollars.
In the execution of that project the Portuguese Firm discovered large amount of gold in one of the contract site. I collaborated with the Portuguese Firm on a mutual agreement on the proceed of which I have received my share of $65.000,000=(sixty five million dollars).
As the Governor of the Tiny Island, I cannot introduce or circulate this funds into the Sahara banking system considering my provisional duty and the considering the fact that I earn less than $1,000US dollars monthly coupled with the Bureau of conduct guidelines and regulations for Public Civil Servants.
The above situation prompted my decision to give the whole lot to you. I will arrange all necessary procedures. You will find the money in a brown envelope, sellotaped to the plastic giraffe in the children’s play area of Exeter service station.
Best Regards,
Governor Sandy Soko
Western Sahara.
Dear Friend,
I received encouraging information about you and how trust worth you are. I am delighted with such a useful information. I am interested in the partnership investment program with your corporation. First permit me to introduce myself as Governor Sandy Soko of the Western Sahara State in the Democratic Republic of Sahara (A tiny Island in the Desert). Being the chief executive and the governor of my State. I awarded the contract of IRRIGATION to Portuguese Firm worth several millions of dollars.
In the execution of that project the Portuguese Firm discovered large amount of gold in one of the contract site. I collaborated with the Portuguese Firm on a mutual agreement on the proceed of which I have received my share of $65.000,000=(sixty five million dollars).
As the Governor of the Tiny Island, I cannot introduce or circulate this funds into the Sahara banking system considering my provisional duty and the considering the fact that I earn less than $1,000US dollars monthly coupled with the Bureau of conduct guidelines and regulations for Public Civil Servants.
The above situation prompted my decision to give the whole lot to you. I will arrange all necessary procedures. You will find the money in a brown envelope, sellotaped to the plastic giraffe in the children’s play area of Exeter service station.
Best Regards,
Governor Sandy Soko
Western Sahara.
A family of plastic giraffes have just moved in to a mansion just down the road from me.
Ian Duncan Smith is to be plasted into orbit, from where his head will reflect enough sunlight to reduce coldness of the polar night, thereby allowing the polar bears to stay up later and practice football.
s/plasted/blasted/
< lie=" this isn't a shameless crib from Carpe Diem" > The Jedi Gerbil Collective are on a mission to convert the entire meerkat population to Jedi-ism. < /lie >
I am not certifiable.
I feel great!
Buy me now, and get another free (while stocks last).
I have not just sat and read all of Bob the Dog's last post
Hitler was just misunderstood
I have just received a four-page letter from George Bush asking my opinion about the war, the American economy, and Homeland Security.
On January 1st 2000, the town council of Lampshade, Montana unearthed a time capsule that had been buried beneath the City Hall on January 1st 1900. Inside were found an old newspaper, a buggy-whip, three old photographs, a bowler hat, and the entire cast of the 1998 German film Run Lola Run.
(Okay, it's a Lie of the Day, but it was my Lie of the Day.)
(Okay, it's a Lie of the Day, but it was my Lie of the Day.)
There is a place called Hell in Nebraska
The signpost on westbound OR-26 at the junction with highway 212 which points to "Boring Oregon City" is not even slightly amusing.
I can't afford to buy Tuj now. I can't think what to do with the spare one either.
I came home today mentally prepared to begin work and discovered to my surprise that I had already finished it during an idle hour last week.
All Liberal Democrats have a heartening vision of universal freedom, all Labour guys strive to improve the life of the common man and all Conservatives yearn to create a morally upstanding Britain. All voters want to help them.
It's your democratic duty to vote. If everyone voted, we would have a government that would be discernibly superior to the current one.
There is a place called Nebraska in Hell.
There is a house in New Orleans they call the Rising Bun.
Las Vegas is made entirely of dried macaroni and PVA glue
When a penguin is born it must immediately pass an examination in accountancy otherwise it will be forced to become a cormorant.
[pen] I feel safe...
Sawdust is actually a gas. Chemical symbol Sw, it reacts violently with bromine to produce spinach.
Sawdust is actually a gas. Chemical symbol Sw, it reacts violently with bromine to produce spinach.
similarly, barbecue sauce is the result of a chemical reaction between potassium and shampoo.
Shampoo comes from the ancient Indian word meaning to smother with month-old brie
One can actually achieve a fine brie at home simply by putting a bottle of milk in a tumble dryer on hot for several days.
All things can be tumble dried
The indigenous population of commemorative plaques has been severely diminished by trophy hunters.
Somewhere in the Australian Bush, a man has faked his own death. Could this be a jobb for 'Insurance Fraud Kookabura'?
*job
I suspect that a kookaburra would not laugh at that suggetion.
'suggetion' s/b 'suggestion' - Ruddy 'eck, AP, it's catching!
Ann Widdecombe and Kylie Minogue are, in fact, the same person. (Have you ever seen them in the same room?)
The Tube map is actually at 1:1 scale. The tickets are soaked in a drug that, when absorbed into the skin, causes you to shrink drastically. Don't ever eat one, or you may not return to your proper size at the end of your journey!
Dr.KEITH PEAR
United Bank For Africa PLC,
ILupeju Branch,
Lagos, Nigeria.
I am Dr.KEITH PEAR, Branch Manager with United Bank For Africa,Ilupeju Branch, Lagos, Nigeria. I have an urgent and very profitable business proposition for you that should be handled with extreme confidentiality.
On January 6,1998 a Foreign Consultant and contractor with the Nigerian Railway Corporation Mr. Williams Gambe by name made a numbered time Fixed Deposit for twelve calendar months valued at US$25M (Twenty five Million United States Dollars Only) in my branch. Upon maturity I sent a routine notification in accordance with the Bank policy to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers Nigerian Railway Corporation that Mr. Williams Gambe died from an automobile accident.
On further investigation, we found out that he died without making a Will and all attempts to trace his next of kin was fruitless.
I therefore made further investigations and discovered that Mr. Williams Gambe did not declare any next of kin or relations in all his official documents including his Bank Deposit paperwork in my Bank.
This prompted me to contact you.
I have decided to spend the whole sum on a slap-up meal at ‘Thank God Its Fridays’ in Aston Cantlow with a whole stack of people I’ve never met before.
Will you come?
I await your response urgently.
Regards,
Dr.KEITH PEAR
Yes.
Only if elephant tusks are not on the menu. If this is satisfactory to you please send to me your bank account details in order that we can confirm this in a professional manner.
Signed
Sucker
The Ordnace Survey's next project will be a survey of Peter Stringfellow's scrotal sack.
This will not take very long.
Don't look now, but the building you are in is surrounded by ducks.
This sentence is five words long.
So is this one. And this, too. Even this.
Toblerones are made from the reconstructed nose hairs of 2 week old gorillas
Which is ironic, because gorillas evolved from cheese.
Michael Howard looks certain to lead a wholly reunited Conservative party to an overwhelming General Election victory in 2005.
The entries under the name of "Tuj" are in fact selected highlights of the typings of a million chimpanzees.
Noone typed this. In fact, I do not exist.
I did not type this. I do not own a keyboard, and have to enter words onto the computer by a process involving my brain, a set of jump leads and the scrotum of a passing snapping turtle.
Irony is made, ironically enough, from flakes of Alanis Morisette.
I have no hard drive. I have no memory. I am living in the 80's.
The 80's did not exist. They were just the 70's without bell bottoms.
I still wear flares.
I shot J.R.
And I shot the deputy.
The year is not 2003. It never was and never will be, due to a clerical error at the printers.
Everyone in the UK looks up to, and admires the Royal Family. No-one believes that terrible rumour.
I started the rumour
Spam brings peace through joy
Ponds bring peace through koi.
As ZK undoubtedly knows, as zoos are built up over time by people receiving animals through the mail. Lions require A3 envelopes, but chimpanzees can be sent by freepost.
The Guardian newspaper is printed on recycled dwarves.
Treacle would be able to complete the Times crossword in less than five minutes if it weren't so thick.
Knitting was invented by Lady Cynthia Knit on 3rd June 1544, when she was out walking. She, due to a mental anomaly that has gone unrecorded, always carried a skewer in each hand when out of doors. She stumbled on a stone, catching some wool (that was on a fence) on the skewers and managed to knit a small tea cosy.
Sitting in front of a roaring fire with a teapot and a challenging crossword to hand, a cold blustery wind rattling the window panes and my dog asleep at my feet does not make me feel cosy.
Eurgh! Sounds awful!
I am a member of the royal family.
I also practice cannibalism.
I built a lifesize replica of the lost city of the Incas out of yoghurt pots and lollipop sticks and buried it on the beach at Cromer. Time Team found it and it is now on display in Sidney Opera House.
The tallest building in the world is in Fiji and is constructed on a foundation of 4 million bus tickets.
Buses don't exist
</lie> [AP] You've never been to Pittsburgh, have you? :) <lie>
The Port Authority of Allegheny County is the most efficient mass transit company in the United States.
The Port Authority of Allegheny County is the most efficient mass transit company in the United States.
It is easy to look like a movie star and still eat interesting food.
I don't eat interesting food, but instead befreind it and try to appreciate it as a person
I am in fact dating a King Size Mars Bar
But I'm seeing a white chocolate malteser on the side
You bastard! *sobs*
Mars Bars were at one time believed to be made out of meteorites, however N.A.S.A. probes proved that this was not possible (see any conspiracy site for confirmation!)
I'm having an Internet relationship with a Snickers bar.
I met a Terry's Chocolate Orange on Blind Date, but she was too preoccupied with her figure and she had to go.
I once had a fivesome with some Kit Kats.
I'll mention nothing about my chocolate fingers.
I will mention even less about my sticky toffee fingers.
I once bought a box of dates for my chocolate.
The rumors about me and Lady Godiva are completely true.
I once did it with Twix.
You can do it when you M&M it.
Sadly, I only have a Fun-Sized Milky Way.
[BtD] Ah they're not called fun size for nothing [plump] not at all brilliant
I never tire of listening to ****** Riverdance on hold to the Apple Store UK. It's only surpassed by when they have Enya on loop instead.
I never tire of listening to ****** Riverdance on hold to the Apple Store UK. It's only surpassed by when they have Enya on loop instead.
My aunt has just changed her name by deed poll to "Horace the Marauding Oaf"
Somewhere in the Andes is a small collective of white-faced, black-haired men who sacrifice sheep yearly to Ken Dodd.
In the course of investigating the powers of the Lord Chancellor, Whitehall officials have discovered that every sentence uttered in the precincts of Westminster should be concluded with the word "stush" or "wagwan".
I was not glad to be home from work today.
I was seventeenth in line to the Danish throne, but I renounced my claim to marry a bar of Dairy Milk.
[Tuj] I could believe that if you'd said Bourneville.
Light can only pass through glass which has been specially calibrated by frogs.
I'm a little teapot, although contrary to the stereotype I tend more to the tall and angular, and have no handle.
I don't have love handles - I have vole handlers. ... Squeak!
Tomorrow is not a holiday in the US, but I still have the day off anyway.
</lie>[Dr Q] Eh?;<lie>
I have a pet cockroach named Keith, but I need a henroach so that I can breed from him.
I have a pet cockroach named Keith, but I need a henroach so that I can breed from him.
After having a bath cats thoroughly enjoy a few minutes in the microwave oven.
All my cockroaches lay eggs. Still, it doesn't worry me as I have no particular phobias when it comes to things with multiple pairs of legs.
Two dozen pheasants' eggs are sufficient to fill a rugby ball and also provide the correct consistency for a decent game.
"I HATE EGGS" is the current slogan of the vegetarian I.V.F. association.
I.V.F. is reserved only for frigid women. ... err, nothing personal to anyone here.
I.V.F. drugs are becoming alarmingly popular on the dance scene. Police have released a statement that they which to crack down on eggstasy.
<:/lie>:Sorry, that was somewhat distasteful. Please forgive me.<lie>
I had an idea for something to write here, but I forgot what it was.
Everything tastes better the second time you drink it.
The little green men just want their ball back.
The spanish language does not have equivalent words for razor, snow, barbecue, pritt stick, bidet, Prince Harry, hedgehog, Indiana, marshmallow, rhinoplasty, trout, Putney, or hamburger.
[Dunx re: light/teapot/roach] All revoltingly bad! Terrible!
"Cap'n Crunch" cereal is made from the ground bones of the Cap'n's various enemies.
"Cap'n Crunch" cereal is made from the ground bones of the Cap'n's various enemies.
I have not been waiting for over three hours for a customer to turn up for an appointment and (as I usually do in such a circumstance) am taking it in my stride.
The Dead Sea Scrolls are actually a recipe for chicken soup.
But they are dwarfed in complexity by the chicken soup recipe that is the Rosetta Stone.
Rosetta Stone was my first girlfriend; she has wonderful pockmarks on her skin - which I (silly me) spent hours and hours attempting to decipher.
[barbacoa] This just in - the International College of Spanish (or whatever it's called) has accepted the word "oencador" for "Prince Harry".
US scientists have developed a form of highly explosive butterfly that is sexually attracted to heroin poppies.
Theodore Roosevelt was originally a door-to-door door salesman.
After ten years in the average family household, a carpet will have developed an IQ of 16.
Dandruff has a wicked temper; any accusations of not being able to hold its drink will really get its dander up.
Purple is the new purple.
Methane is so named in honour of the Laird of Meith, after the swamp gas in that region pledged eternal loyalty to his line for services rendered.
The Heiroglyphs on the walls of Tutankhamun's tomb read 'Danger, Low Ceiling'
I am the very model of a modern major-general.
I was once considered a model of a passe major general. It was in all the papers.
I am a mole and I live in a hole.
The contents of one's gutter, when left to ferment for up to a year, make an excellent hair-restorer.
Hairbrushes, if left uncleaned, eventually develop into hedgehogs.
As a mark of respect to Mr.Milligan all hedgehogs are called Spike.
The Old English Sheepdog evolved from a prehistoric mop.
A wandering minstrel I, a thing of shreds and patches
Deep in the hallowed halls of Westminster, a small group of determined government frontbenchers plot the establishment of yet another organisation to consider a subject of public importance, but which is to be independent from the government. Could this be another job for Quango Prairie Dog?
[AP] We really know our worth, the sun and I.
I have nothing better to do.
I can dance.
I once danced with Keanu Reeves, but kept falling on the ground when he would do the dip. He seemed to hover above the ground and I could not keep up with him.
I love modern dancing - one doesn't have to snuggle up to one's partner.
While sleeping I rise to a height of five hundred feet above sea level and slowly rotate above either Lincolnshire or Norfolk.
I have just given up being the centre of gravity. The job sucked.
I have just lost my job as a pornstar. It was a blow.
I have just given up being the rear spoiler on the McLaren F1 car... what a drag.
I have just given up stalking. A better job follows.
I've just decided to drive my car off the road. It was a career choice.
I used to work at a potato-packing plant, but I got the sack.
An Amazonian tribe has just recruited me. I was head hunted.
Still it is better than the job I had as a experimental patient for trainee proctologists. That was a pain in the arse.
I hate being a lion trainer, it bites.
I used to like being Emperor of Rome, until I got stabbed in the back.
I want to get out of the calendar printing business, I reckon my days are numbered...
I tried to quit my job as a beefburger, but I was foiled.
I used to love my job as a chip, because every day was fried day.
foiled again!)
I worked in a peach orchard. It was the pits.
I was one of Santa's elves, but I got the sack.
I used to be a butcher which, as you can imagine, was quite fulfilling - then they gave me the axe...
I made Spam, until they canned me.
I worked so hard at being a lift attendant that they gave me a rise.
For a while I worked in a lingere shop, but they gave me the pink slip.
I used to put peas in tins, 44 per tin. One day I got my pea 45.
I used to be a ritual circumciser, but one day I slipped and got the sack.
I used to be a train conductor, but resigned when I realised I was going nowhere.
I used to be a trapeze artist until I was dropped.
I studied to be a florist, but my career was nipped in the bud.
I once had a job in a towel factory, but the company folded.
I used to work for Chidrens BBC in the 70's. I lost the job when I dropped a clanger.
I was going to be a historian, but realised that there was no future in it.
I used to work in the Evian factory, but I lost my bottle.
Last summer I took up skydiving, but I didn't make it through the fall.
Then I took some courses to be a mortgage broker, but after a while I lost interest.
I used to be a gastroenterologist, but I just couldn't stomach
*it
I used to be a bacteriologist, but I couldn't take the strain.
I, too, had a banking job for a short time, but the manager said I lacked principle.
I was a vascular surgeon, but wanted to try something in a different vein.
I worked in a diet pill factory until I was downsized.
I used to work in a footwear shop until one day I got the boot.
I studied to be an airline pilot, but my career never got off the ground.
I was involved in cloning research...then I was made redundant.
I worked in a clearing house for dud cheques until I resigned.
I had a job making cannons for tanks until I was discharged.
I quit my job at Mountaineer Race Track & Casino ... too much Wheeling and dealing.
I used to make sausage...then one day I was sent packing.
I was a pool hustler until I was blackballed.
I was a fence-builder until I was shown the gate.
I used to be a mountain climber, but I quit in a fit of peak.
I used to be a human cannonball, but they wouldn't fire me, so I lost my job. :)
I used to be a zooological keeper, but there were claws in my contract that led to my release.
I was hoping for promotion at the mail order apple seed company, but I was pipped to the post.
In desperation I took a job in a bakery. I just needed the dough.
I worked bottling natural water, but lost my job in the spring.
[Tina] But did you really knead the dough?
I lost my job as a medium when I went through a bad spell.
I used to drill for oil, but it got too boring.
Then I became a spy, but the work bugged me.
I also looked after a herd of deer, but the job paid badly. I didn't have two bucks to rub together.
[Boolbar] I'm sure the bucks wouldn't have appreciated being rubbed together either....
I used to be the gasman for a local stock car team, but that was the pits.
I used to be the gasman for a local stock car team, but that was the pits.
When I was in kennels, the company went broke and had to call in the retrievers.
I auditioned for the starring role in a documentary on a American quarterback-turned-politician, but I was rejected because of my un-Kemp appearence.
I used to be a dustman, but the job was rubbish.
Then I became a chef, but the job wasn't all it was cooked up to be.
[BtD] When I worked in kennels, I made such a mess of things they told me to go take a long walk.
Then I joined an athletics club, but I was so terrible at the field events, they told me to go take a running jump.
Back in high school, I was on the cross-country team until I was given my walking papers.
None of the above were hilarious. I hate them all. They are not classic online Mornington Crescent.
I used to work in a glue factory, but I couldn't stick with it.
I used to work in a glue factory, but I couldn't stick with it.
On a similar line, I applied to be a lumberjack, but I just didn't cut it.
I used to be a Spice Girl.
I used to be a drag queen, but I dropped out.
I worked in a spice factory, but couldn't cut the mustard.
I tried road paving once, but didn't make the grade.
I used to drive a cement lorry, but gave it up because I wanted something more concrete.
I became a partner in a building firm, but the other guy screwed me over and bolted.
I worked in a fireworks factory, but the work fizzled out.
I used to be a terrible songwriter until I composed myself.
I was once going to be Chief Photographer for the local rag and was rather disappointed when the editor told me I was no longer in the picture.
I took up a job with a bra manufacturer but they went bust.
I tried to get work as a network security analyst, but I just couldn't hack it.
After that, I considered a job at Planters, but they make you work for peanuts.
[DrQ] "made redundant" -- brilliant!
I lost my job in meat refrigeration after the company I worked for relocated to the West Midlands and I was sent to Coventry and given the cold shoulder.
I was once a barker but I left of my own free will - it's a dog of a job.
I too worked under the big top, but it was a three ring circus.
I used to work for a removal firm, but I just felt boxed in.
I went on to be a chef, but they caught me cooking the books
So I moved on to take a couple of jobs in the circus, but I just couldn't keep juggling them all.
I then took up sports - tennis, basketball, squash etc, - but it was just too many balls in the air.
I tried working as a dream analyst, but it was just a nightmare.
I took up interior decorating, but I got plastered
Then I tried being a trawlerman, but there was just something fishy about it.
I was doing watch repairs for a while. At first it went like clockwork, but then I got ticked off.
My stint in a paper perforating shop ended when I was sacked for being a tearaway.
Min you, not as bad as being sacked from that brass band for blowing my own trumpet.
I had to quick as a sheep castrator because... well, it was just bollocks.
Ahem... I mean, I had to quit as a sheep castrator because... well, it was just bollocks.
After my unsuccessful stint at the fairground I became a seamstress, but someone stitched me up.
My last job as a Cartesian philosopher was going well, but my boss started thinking less of it until it no longer existed.
Before that, I sold turkeys until my company was gobbled up.
Before that, I was a navigator for Nocturne Airlines. It didn't last long since it was such a fly-by-night operation.
Many years ago I used to work for a magician, but he disappeared.
Before that (I've done a lot in my 87 years on this planet, among others) I was a tester for Viagra. The job grew on me, but eventually my workload plummeted.
My first job was with a maritime salvage company - I even bought shares in the company - but I left when they were delisted. sorry!
I used to think I had my career all mapped out when I trained as a cartographer, but that, too, folded.
I was a video editor, but I just couldn't cut it.
I used to work for King Midas, until I was given the golden handshake.
I used to work at Mornington Crescent, but they told me my job was on the line.
I used to write crosswords, but as it turned out I was clueless.
I fully understand, Tina. I used to bury myself in the cryptics, but - being an alien - I was interred.
Then again, I used to be a director of an orange juice company - I was squeezed out.
The job before that was with a laundrette mob, but they hung me out to dry.
I used to be a model for the M&S catalogue. When I told them it was a pants job, they debriefed me.
Myself, I've been training in the medical field. For a while I worked as an opthamologist's assistant, but we just didn't see eye-to-eye. I tried to switch to cardiology, but my heart just wasn't in it. Then, I thought maybe I could fake it as an X-ray technician, but the supervisor saw right through me. The only job left was in proctology, and obviously, it's a real pain in the arse.
I made cuddly toys for a little while, but I stuffed it up.
I used to work in a chemist before they dispensed with my services.
A year ago I couldn't spell educated. Now I are it.
I used to shear sheep, but then I was fleeced.
I used to survey cul-de-sacs until I realised it was a dead end job.
I used to work in a pyschological testing laboratory, but I wanted to get out of the rat race.
I used to have a lounge act singing Frank Sinatra songs, but when the Summer Wind came along I looked for something else to doobie-doobie-do.
I tried to move from choir conducting to bus conducting but it didn't quite work out and in the end I had to go back to my old job and face the music.
I used to be a male escort, but I was laid off.
Afterwards, I tried to be a plumber, but that went down the crapper as well.
Afterwards, I tried to be a plumber, but that went down the crapper as well.
I used to be a telephonist, but I got transferred.
I used to be a virus checker but &^£%__$£G B*%&GK UY&%&PGG JH*& (&^^& %&) ?:@~{KJJGF DFSQD!£ ¬"?>LJZ ||~LIU ITU.
I used to be the speaking clock, until the management gave me a hard time.
I was almost given the lead part in Castaway, but they said that I was washed up. I mistook this for an insult and turned it down.
i uused too bee a prove reeder.
I used to be a dermatologist, but I got itchy feet
I'm a national tree surgeon. I have branches everywhere.
I loved my job in the neon light factory. It was a gas!
I used to work at a funeral palour until I was sacked for being late.
I used to pluck ducks but the job got me down.
It have been looking in here every day recently. My brother and his friends didn't circulate some emails last year with some excessively clean and unfunny job description puns and I'm not at all tempted to post them in here. They simply aren't rude enough.
I actually became a tree surgeon due to a flash of inspiration - I was leafing through the job adverts when suddenly I twigged.
I used to be a p0rn star, but I couldn't keep it up. I tried to go into menswear sales but was told I was unsuited.
To reach my tree surgery helpline, dial a trunk call.
I can't. I'm a failed plumber, and all my calls are tapped.
I used to be a professional masturbator, but I just couldn't hold my own.
I had to give up my rôle of Agony Aunt. I had a low threshold of pain.
It's no good trying to contact me when I'm at work. Since I started this job as a professional hangman, all my callers have hung up on me.
[ZK] Doesn't matter, I'm not very good, you'd have to be barking to call me.
I'd have to be a bit of a sap, then? Do you reckon you need counselling? Don't give up too soon and leave - your problems are probably deeply rooted. I know an excellent Tree Surgeon therapist, Den Dron.
I quit my job in the synthetic rubber plant, when my first pay cheque bounced.
I used to have a job performing ultrasounds on expectant mothers to determine the sex of their babies. For some reason, the mothers never seemed happy with my work. I don't know what those women were expecting!
I too apprenticed as a plumber, but my career went down the drain.
I tried to work as a plumber, but I didn't want to faucet.
Amazing: so did I - I was hopeless though and, inevitably and not unexpectedly, they gave me the elbow.
I used to market sporting equipment to the hockey community. When I approached the football authorities for a similar position they gave me the boot: they claimed I had unrealistic goals.
[Dujon] Did they tell you to puck off?
My last effort at holding down a job was as an assistant to an optician. It was going OK, but then I was framed.
My last effort at holding down a job was as an assistant to an optician. It was going OK, but then I was framed.
[Dunx] No, but my old colleagues didn't half give me some stick!
After that I tried being an electrical salesman. That only lasted until the company found I didn't have the proper connections.
After that I tried being an electrical salesman. That only lasted until the company found I didn't have the proper connections.
I quickly moved to flogging fridge magnets, but it wasn't really my field.
From there it was to electrical componentry, but customer resistance was high and, anyway, I found I just didn't have the necessary capacity.
After that (and this was a buzz) I became an apiarist, but had to resign when I found I had hives.
I got a mariners' ticket and a job as first mate, but that foundered when one of my seamen rocked the boat.
At one stage I worked for an pest exterminator, but I got the flick, man. Aussie's only will get that - unless a certain company operates in the U.K. and N.Am. regions.
I also had a job as a circus clown, but had to leave in rather 'funny' circumstances.
Sorry, I forgot: I used to have a catering job with Virgin Airlines ... I was grounded when I didn't serve the cherries. ... coat ...
I used to be a gynaecologist, but I couldn't stand all the fannying about, so I left to go into dermatology. Looking back, it was a little rash...
I tried being a proctologist, but I arsed around one day, and as for my prospects, well, I rectum.
I tried unblocking toilets with fireworks. It worked the first time, but turned out to be just a flash in the pan.
I had an affair when working at a quiche factory, but it was just a pash in the flan.
I used to work for Governor Gray Davis...then I was terminated.
I wrote some obscene lyrics about backsides for Eminmem. He had me arrested. It was a bum rap.
I used to work in panto, but I couldn't tell my 'aahs' from my old 'boos'
I used to work for Bostik but I couldn't stick it.
I was briefly a shepherd, but I chose to make a career ewe-turn.
This thread shouldn't have been a game unto itself.
I used to be part of a team of venetian blind salesman, but then my boss said it was curtains for all of us.
I was once an elevator attendant, but after I while I realised that the owners were giving me the shaft.
I was a watchmaker but I left because the boss kept winding me up.
[FG} Funny that. I worked for a watchmaker once, but I left because I kept getting run down.
I was a weather forecaster for a while, but left under a cloud.
I used to be really good at this game before we started discussing our career history.
I used to be a display waterskier, but they cut me loose.
When I realised my job on an old-fashioned railway wasn't for me, I left under my own steam.
I tried dairy farming for a while, but after a drought, I left for greener pastures.
I also tried being an attendant on the QE2, but I missed the boat.
I switched then to selling face make up, but the work was so stressful, I took a powder.
My boyfriend ran into some trouble with the law and took a job on a sheep farm. He finally left because he didn't want them to know he was on the lam.
Then he worked bottling apertifs, but was terminated for excessive absinthe.
I used to work as a flaggelator, necrophiliac and bestialist, until I realised I was just flogging a dead horse.
I then became an army bandsman, but they let me go because (they said) I was marching to the beat of a different drum.
I also tried being a tyre salesman, but now I'm on the skids.
I used to sell DIY equipment, but I throw a spanner in the works by getting hammered, completely plastered. It was a wrench to leave. I felt I was left on the shelf. I saw myself being screwed by the job market. Luckily I got a new job and can paint myself a better future.
I thought I would do well in the undertaking business, but I was passed over for promotion.
I once owned a shoe store. Since I couldn't really give myself the boot, I decided it'd be best if I just soled out.
I had a job installing traffic calming measures but eventually I got the hump.
I had a job on a wind farm but I blew it.
I used to be in charge of the hairdryers at the local salon, but I sucked.
I was Jonny Wilkinson's stunt double, but when I got injured my dreams were kicked into touch.
I so have not run out of puns for this game.
I worked for a while in a chemist's shop, but they dispensed with my services.
I spent a little time as a jobbing artist, until I drew my last pay packet.
I bought a veterinarian practice, but closed it down when I found I'd been sold a pup.
Moving on I became an orchardist, but that turned out to be a lemon.
Later, I tried cleaning toilets, but I didn't have the proper skills - the other staff pissed all over me.
I did try a similar position in another council, but I left there too, I was crap.
At one time I tried being an optician, but they said I was not focussed enough.
When I was younger I worked for a shortwhile in the Catering Corps, but they let me go when I got into a mess.
Once I had a temporary job with a concern which made barometers, but the pressure got to me.
For a while after that I worked for a company making Scotch, but I just didn't blend in.
I had a job designing tumblers for a while - they said my ideas were all great in theory, but wouldn't hold water.
I snagged a job with a 'bus company once - I even took their various I.Q. test over a few months - but when I gave them my report they said I queued too much. OK, I'm half tickled ...
Like Dr Q+ I worked for a company which produces a generic ViagraTM product, but it was just too hard.
I once was a fill-in worker at a company that manufactured pails but left when the owner kicked the bucket.
I joined the professional chess tour...to meet women, of course. I quit after failing to find a mate.
Afterwards, I joined the professional poker tour. Let's just say I folded after pulling the Queen of Clubs.
Later on, I was consultant to the dairy industry. However, most of my clientele dropped off after one of the Big Cheeses said I was milking them for everything they were worth....
I used to work in a mirror manufacturors, but they said my appearance reflected badly on the company.
I tried setting up a low budget airline but it never got off the ground.
So I tried to persuade the London authorities to let me run a privatised Underground system, but that went down the tubes.
As for my poultry farm - well, let's just say it was a cock-up.
With all the talk on nanotechnology these days, I thought there would be a niche for sub-micron fluid holders, but it pailed into insignificance.
I got a job in jungle clearance, but I couldn't hack it.
I tried to design and market a kitched implement for preparing pungent seeds of certain cruciferous plants, but it didn't cut the mustard.
...and my careless typo in the last one shows why I only worked on a dictionary for a short spell.
I started working for an excavation company, but didn't dig it.
I worked for a photographer until I snapped.
My time in the entomology department at our local museum bugged me.
I was quite successful as a font designer, although it was rather against type.
Then I had a job installing blackboards, but gave it up because I was always wiped.
I had a job installing venetian blinds, but then the soft furnishing company next door took over and it was curtains for me.
I can think of many more ideas, all of them better than any of the preceding
I worked down at the Heinz Plant, but was eventually canned for always being pickled.
I was hired by Jonathan Ross to write for him some David Letterman-style Top 10 lists....but was fired for w[here's your coat. -- ed]
I used to work in my local Harvester, but they threw me out when I got into a stew. Then I was really in the soup.
I then worked in a hippy nudist beach community for a while as a lobster-fisherman. They threw me out - I caught crabs.
Then I was Donny Osmond's tour manager for a while a few years back, but I got arrested for making puppy love. ([AP] His educational career began, interestingly enough, in agricultural school, where he majored in animal husbandry, until they caught him at it one day)
I worked in an athletic shoe factory when one day I was terminated for a slip of the tongue.
Indeed, Tina; I used to be a script writer, but the boss gave me the hard word.
At one stage I was an 'illumination' technician, but I wasn't bright enough.
In my youth, I joined a hip acting company, but I couldn't make the scene.
Gimmie, gimme, gimme a man after midnight.
At midnight every night I turn into a goat for 5 seconds. This explains the cheese in my shoes in the morning.
</lie> [ZK] Ah - another Tom Lehrer fan? <lie>
I worked in a music shop until I was drummed out.
I worked in a music shop until I was drummed out.
[DrQ] I once shot a man by mistake, believing him to be a large, flesh-coloured squirrel.
< /l i e>Was someone going to make a separate game for the Job Pun thing? I thought I read that somewhere.
< /l i e>Was someone going to make a separate game for the Job Pun thing? I thought I read that somewhere.
[ZK] Yes, I was. I did it last week.
There is nothing I enjoy more, and indeed all the world seems in tune, when I'm poisoning pigeons in the park.
When it's Fiesta time in old Guadalahhckhhckhhckhhckhhara...then I long to be back in old Mehhckhhckico.
I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips.
I have a friend in Minsk, who has a friend in Pinsk, whose friend in Omsk has friend in Tomsk with friend in Akmolinsk.
Sharks gotta swim and bats gotta fly; I gotta love one woman 'till I die.
There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium,
And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium......
And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium......
Thank you. For my first encore....
The Wild West is where I wanna be.
I'm the old dope peddler, with my powdered happiness.
Oh, poll tax, how I love ya, how I love ya, my dear old poll tax.
So long Mom, I'm off to drop the bomb, so don't wait up for me.
I'd rather marry a duck-billed platypus, than end up like old Oedipus Rex.
I got it from Agnes.
I heard her cookings lousy and her hands are clammy!
We will all go together when we go, every Hottentot and every Eskimo.
Blacken my eye, set fire to my tie, as we dance to the Masochism Tango. [Is this actually going anywhere?]
Yes
To our respective Valhallas?
The wild west is where I wanna be.
bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!!!! Repetition!
I do not get annoyed by my mobile phone causing interference on my computer and then not giving me a text message.
Nor do we at last have a senator who can really sing and dance.
It is possible to say the phrase "working from home" without sounding like there are heavy quotation marks around it.
It is possible to say the phrase "working from home" without sounding like there are heavy quotation marks around the word "working".
I'm "working" from home today.
I'm "working" in my office today.
I'm "working" in "Woking" today.
I'm woking in the lost consonants room today.
I work all the time. I do not "work" all the time.
I do not "work" all of the time. Sometimes, I "rest".
Bob the dog is a bizarre game played at Halloween. All you need is a barrel of water and three Pugs.
Party Wimple is the ultimate knitted tube that fits over your head, and is guaranteed to give your soirées a sprinkling of ultra-modernity. It will keep your guests entertained and yet is also great for kitchen chores - no loose ends to dangle in the washing up.
Somewhere in Edinburgh is a gang of "Legitimate Businessmen" plotting slow and stealthy infiltration of the British Royal Family. They are armed only with wit, cunning and copious amounts of peanut butter. Could this be another case for undercover agent, Ignatius, Super-Weevil?
David Arse is a full-time children’s' entertainer known as the Juggler for Jesus. He has been a professional juggler for 59 years and has developed a program that uses juggling, fire-eating, and nude audience participation to share God's Word in a memorable way. If you are planning a youth meeting, worship service, Sunday school class, outreach, festival, luncheon, dinner, banquet, or even a satanic mass, David can provide a program to make the occasion instantly forgettable.
[Bob] In Glasgow, they play a special version of that traditional game - 'ducking for chips'.
Austria is the world's largest importer of licorice allsorts -- in 2002 alone, enough of them were shipped to Austria to provide over 600 kilograms of the candies to every man, woman, and child living there. Noone knows what is done with them; it is the nation's most carefully-guarded secret.
I made some money by selling old rope today.
Scientists have discovered that if you place certain Impressionist paintings in your garden, then garden pests are attracted to them. Said one scientist, "Monet is the route of all weevils".
Contrary to popular belief, it takes more than two to tango. The rugby scrum evolved from an erotic tango originally danced by two women of the night (or 'hookers'), each supported by their 'pack' of seven supporters.
A recent survey showed that the most popular boys' name amongst American weevils was Eric, whilst in Britain it is Kenneth.
Weevils wobble but they don't fall down.
Frankly, all the British weevils I know arenamed Keith.
are named (sorry).
It is obvious, I can type proficiently with just one hand, while petting a cat with the other.
I wouldn't worry about it, pet!
An artificial smell is made in a factory and is called an "ol".
Scratch-n-Sniff stickers were invented by the Aztecs.
Foosball (sic) was originally played by explorers with pygmys on sticks.
An infinite number of monkeys with typewriters will eventually produce the complete works of Shakespeare, likewise 3 pigeons, a copy of Miscrosoft Word, and the Radio Script Wizard (TM) produce all the scripts for "The Archers".
Lead pencils were gradually replaced by copper pencils from about 1965.
I was arrested by a copper pencil yesterday. I was driving too hard on the B6.
The Parkway East in Pittsburgh, much like the M25, is a marvel of modern transportation and drivers should slow down to 15MPH to sufficiently take in its beauty and efficiency.
Americans understand the metric system really. They're just having us on.
Everyone over 75 in the UK really understands decimal currency, and the Europeans invented the single currency in the hope that it would eventually reach Britain and confuse all the pensioners.
Euros do not look suspiciously like francs used to.
I thought I saw a Polecat the other day, but when I asked, he said he was from Russia.
It is not at all suspicious that there is only one chain of shops in Britain still selling chocolate coins depicting our own currency.
I put Humpty Dumpty together again.
I treated Jack for concussion.
I pushed both of them.
I used to work at the pharmacy where Little Boy Blue bought his narcolepsy medication.
I was the cartographer for the Grand Old Duke of !York's Third Light Artillery.
I participated in a raid that released Mrs. Peter Peter from the pumpkin shell.
Jack Horner ruined all my pies!
[ZK] That wasn't his thumb.
I have no idea to what you may be referring.
From personal experience, Mary Mary was quite amenable.
If Little Bo Peep leaves her sheep alone, they will come home, wagging their tales behind them, and will not be savaged by dogs or rounded up by government officials.
Miss Muffet has been undergoing counseling for her arachophobia. It's been some success, but she still does not like spiders to sit down beside her. She's also off whey.
arachnophobia, sorry.
Tommy Thin was finally jailed this morning on grounds of animal cruelty.
Georgy Porgy has had a legal class action suit filed against him for sexual harassment.
The visual and anecdotal evidence in Mrs Jack Sprat's case clearly indicated an early diagnosis of Hyperlipidemia, possibly genetic, but more likely environmental, with all the attendant classic risk factors (arteriosclerosis, thrombosis, diabetes, stroke etc). Initial treatments recommended: folic acid (to reduce Homocysteine levels), lifestyle changes (more exercise), treatment with HMG-CoA reductase inhibitors (to be carefully monitored) and divorce.
Kim's unequivocal evidence shows that nursery rhymes should be banned from all schools, shopping centres, libraries and pubs which serve children. O'ill 'ave moin in ba'er, Guv!
"Hey diddle diddle" was actually penned by William Shakespeare at the age of 17. In Tudor times, the pornographic content of this ditty was considered so great that he was banned from 10 different counties, and was a great court favourite.
Fondant Fancies have corresponding dimples in their underside to allow them to be stacked hight without fear of falling over.
I am currently listening to a song that has nothing to do with Christmas or the Wombles.
Christmas cannot be getting earlier each year as none of the shops start trying to sell tinsel before the beginning of December.
As usual, the chat room last night was full of nothing but tiresome old puns.
A loaf of bread strike has just begun in Derbyshire, with all members of the Loaves, Bloomers and Rolls Union downing crumbs and walking out of breadbins to join sad, defenceless and rather short-lived picket lines on a main road in Matlock.
I've been in fine lying form lately.
Catnip was invented by time travelling mice in the year 3416 and was inserted into the timeline as a practical joke on their archrivals the cats. Unfortunately the joke backfired when lack of evolutionary pressure from the stoned cats no longer chasing mice meant that mice never developed opposable thumbs or intelligence.
There are in fact three sides to every story, but no one listens after the first two.
[Dunx] I told you there were four!
Every bird in the hand has a silver lining.
You ain't seen me, right!
The Greek island of Poros is still officially at war with Atlantis.
The Korean war is over, offically.
Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.
I got rhythm, I got music, I got my man - who could ask for anything more?
Red sky at night, saves nine. Red sky in morning, get out of the kitchen.
Many hands in the bush - shepherd's delight.
No innuendos can be made about Wol's last remark concerning any of the current world leaders.
Out of shame for one of its namesakes, the town of Blairsville, Pennsylvania will now be known as "Howardsville".
Chocolate makes an excellent draft excluder.
Flourescent lightbulbs are filled with fairies. Electrocution causes them to light up.
Actually, electricity is caused by tiny hamsters running very very fast. Fuses therefore consist of tiny bridges - if too many hamsters try to cross the bridge at any one time, the bridge breaks and no current flows.
I am much enjoying my carbonated pork drink as I read this game.
The stock market is a lie. If a billion shares are sold, then a billion must also be bought. Therefore, the Dow Jones is just a fantasy perpetrated by gamblers in Las Vegas who bet on the activities of the gullable public.
The gullable public are those persons who take bits of bread to the seaside and then feed the local birds in order to get the latest mews.
[carbonated pork drink] </lie> Jones Soda (a U.S. brand, dunno if you can get it in the U.K.) put out a Turkey & Gravy flavor for Thanksgiving. Not unexpectedly, it's pretty awful. <lie>
I'm busy, busy, busy as a bee, bee, bee.
I love driving to work in the snow, especially before the sun comes up. It's what I do to relax. When I'm stuck in a ditch, I'm at peace with the world.
I have grown my own house out of mushrooms and am going to spend my retirement living there and eating it, with the bathroom last.
After I went on the Adkins diet, I built a house out of the contents of pasta boxes in my cupboard.
I once crafted a 1:1 scale model of the Eiffel Tower entirely out of toothpicks, but a big bad wolf came and blew it down.
I've got a full-scale portrait of Herve Villechaize tattooed on my back.
I'm not too happy about the government’s 'Five-a-day' campaign. I can only just manage twice, and then I need a cup of malted milk and two hours rest in between.
I have absolutely no difficulty in sticking to the five-a-day programme. I can drink up to a pint of juice by myself in just a few hours.
I've had no problem since they redesignated Guinness as a fruit.
A whole bottle of syrup of figs counts as one of your five-a-day
Although most people think of tomatoes as a vegetable, they are actually a sort of weasel.
I eat five grapes a day, then go out for pizza.
I eat five pizzas a day and then go out for grapes.
I take five days to eat a pizza and grapes are out of the question.
It might be my age (well matured by the cask) but in my case gropes are totally out of the question.
Santas workshop has been closed down under elfin safety legislation.
Apparently Santa has a little sideline in quality venison.
Children who've been naughty get coke. Neat, huh?
Diluted, usually.
After their recent merger, Santa Incorporated has requested that all wish-lists be filed in triplicate, no later than November first. Shipping will be provided by FedEx.
He's been merged with the National Elf Service
Santa is thinking of relocating the operation. It seems that the business world is changing and he needs to have a presence in several different countries. The elves have threatened to strike, believing that it's just a plot to keep them from forming a union.
I take all my grievances to a trade onion. It helps me cry and get over them.
I used to be a member of a union, but I traded my membership for a Skoda and the daughter of a Finnish diplomat.
Roger Hargreaves has recently published his first Gothic horror novel, Doctor Jekyll and Mr Uppity.
I see they made a film of The Talented Mr Mischief.
Mr Daydream is now running ITV.
Reality is a figment of your imagination, and I have no imagination at all,or so Miss Wilson used to tell me?
Colours are just a pigment of your imagination.
They also made Mr Strong goes to Washington
Driving Miss Tickle is widely credited with being the inspiration behind JG Ballard's Crash. Both films feature a large number of RTAs; in the former because Miss Tickle can't stop tickling her chauffeur. JG Ballard develops an altogether more adult theme for his short novel.
In Mr Topsy-Turvey the Mr men and little Miss Characters sing a collection of songs by Gilbert O'Sullivan.
They call me Mr Bump was the first blaxploitation movie to star Michael Crawford.
Reservoir Mister Men featured the now-famous scene where Mr Tickle tickles the ear off his prisoner.
I see that Tom Cruise is set to take on the title role of Mr Impossible.
[BtD] Three Little Misses from school is one of the better known ones, although they looked rather odd in traditional Japanese dress, on account of their having no necks.
I never got where Pretty Little Miss Polly fitted into it, though.
Misters Sneeze, Clever, Slow, Grumble, Happy, Silly and Lazy have signed up as cast for Snow White and the Seven Mr. Men but they're still looking for a lead actress. Rumours are that Britney Spears is looking for a challenging role.
s/role/roll/.
Mr Small is Emperor of the Scilly Isles
I used to be a photographer but then I snapped.
I started work as Father Christmas after they gave me the sack.
I was going to become a member of a carpentry club, but I decided not to join.
</lie>[Dunx re: Reservoir Mister Men] That is a truly astonishing idea -- I may be forced to steal it from you.
<lie>The best teacups are made from terrier skulls. Anteater skulls are used for teapots.
</lie>[Riff] By all means; I wasn't using it anyway.<lie>
[Dunx/Riff] I was.
The least known Roger Hargreaves character is Mr Fart.
George Bush is a failed Mr Man.
[AP] He couldn't spell it.
< / l i e > George Bush was recently beaten in an intelligence test by a monkey.
< l i e>Hargreaves has recently had to fight to get a controversial contemporary new book published called Little Mr Miss - the publishers felt it was a little too much information for children, and bought Madonna's book instead.
< l i e>Hargreaves has recently had to fight to get a controversial contemporary new book published called Little Mr Miss - the publishers felt it was a little too much information for children, and bought Madonna's book instead.
Each morning I am rudely awakened by the frantic Boom tish, Boom tish of our local one man band being chased up the street by the neighbours dog
I used to be a one man band but I split up after my legs decided on a solo career.
Why are my bed springs so rusty?
I used to work in an optitians but I got thrown out for making a spectacle of myself.
[bl] I didn't completely lose it on reading your last.
[Wol] Very dull image isn't it?
Once I dreamt I was a butterfly, then I awoke and now I don't know if I'm a man who dreamt he was a butterfly, or if there's a natural reason for me to be fluttering about in midair like this.
Once I dreamt I was a butterfly, then I awoke and now I don't know if I'm a man who dreamt he was a butterfly, or if there's a natural reason for me to be fluttering about in midair like this.
I used to dream that I was flying in an old open biplane, but I fell out of that one.
Rudolph the reindeer had a very shiny gnome.
If you ever saw it, you'd swear it was inebriated.
We now know that Rudolph's red nose was a result of a condition brought on by alcohol abuse. Rudolph was so lonely, being cut out of all those reindeer games, that he hit the bottle, and hard. Happily, his chance to lead the sleigh in the snow gave him a new lease on life. He later joined a twelve-step program and is in his fiftieth year of sobriety. His nose is now bloated, but a pinkish grey.
In an attempt to make Dickens more accessible to the modern youth, all editions of A Christmas Carol are being reprinted with Scrooge's famous words altered to "**** that for a game of soldiers".
I love Paris in the the springtime.
Scientists sifting the rubble of a desert hillside in Ethiopia have discovered a trove of crab shells 2 1/2 million years old that may reveal the first direct link between shrimps and the earliest members of our true human lineage.
This new found crustacean species, still far more lobster than human, could include the very first beings on Earth to use sellotape. That technology marked a major turning point on the long evolutionary path toward modern Homo sapiens, the scientists say.
This new found crustacean species, still far more lobster than human, could include the very first beings on Earth to use sellotape. That technology marked a major turning point on the long evolutionary path toward modern Homo sapiens, the scientists say.
The above remarks were not endorsed by www.spellotape.co.uk.
nuuuuuh sp= sellotape *goes to bed*
Just because it's just before three in the morning is not a valid excuse for going to bed - regardless as to what may have occurred within the last twenty four hours.
"Nuuuuuh" is the highest possible scoring word in the Turkish version of Scrabble, with a total of 540.5 points, but it's only possible to play it once every 10 years, dependent on the phases of the moon.
EIEIO is the highest possible score on Farmer Scrabble. And it only works if you use the Agriculture dictionary.
The color red is in fact indistinguishable from the scent of grass to an antelope.
I participate in this game every minute of every hour of every day ... I apologise for being so ubiquitous.
What King Herod needed was some weapons of Messiah distruction.
I finally got the orange juice in Sainsbury's to sing the Marseilleise at me this morning, and I was only escorted out of the shop once.
< / l i e > [Kim] Was that a lie? < l i e>
Tinsel can support the weight of an adult human dangling out of a window from it 3 storeys up. I know, I've tried it.
Tinsel can support the weight of an adult human dangling out of a window from it 3 storeys up. I know, I've tried it.
After a great deal of pain and healing I still love her and would like to see it he possibility exists for a reconciliation ,however Im very skeptical and quite clearly anxiouse ....never the less i am drwan to the possibility desoiteb the horrible errors that were committed
I heartly agree. As I always do. (With Elves).
I am wide awake and not at all confused.
I have nothing better to do than to fill up the boards in this place.
I do have better stuff to do, I just choose not to do it as a selfless sacrifice to the common good
I constantly sacrifice to the common good. I was arrested for it recently in Wigan.
I am distraught at the return of Good News / Bad News, as the last time I played it I too was arrested in Wigan.
I've never been arrested in Wigan, only with a wig on.
I was arrested in a Wigwam, once.
I was arrested with Terry Wogan, but that was a separate incident.
Club 1830 is a group of 19th Century enthusiasts who gather together every couple of years to re-enact the Committee stages of the repeal of the Corn Laws.
Club Med is a group of bored Doctors who roam holiday resorts for inebriated youths and remove their kidneys for quick sale.
I was one of those inebriated youths. Luckily, when I arrived at the hospital for treatment a kidney had just been delivered that was a perfect match.
I once found a perfect match - perfect in dimension, colour, composition and chemical balance. I kept it mounted in a glass frame above my living room window but it was reclaimed by the bailiffs three years ago, who discovered that it had been crafted in the workshops of Alexander the Great, and it now stands in the Hall of Fame in the Museum of Pyrotechnics in Droitwich.
I once invented a universal solvent, but I couldn't find anything to keep it in.
Last week I successfully patented the sky.
I have patented the lie. You lot owe me a hell of a lot of money. Then I'm off to Parliament...
Well I patented fiction, so you all owe me money
You can walk across quicksand as long as you show no fear. Quicksand can smell fear. Oh, and whistling won't help, it just annoys it.
I patented patenting. Cough up, lads.
I had prior art to defeat Tuj's patent, but someone had already patented the research of prior art and they want me to pay an exorbitant licence fee.
I conducted extensive research and realised that the Latin, Greek, Cyrillic and Arabic alphabets have never been patented, nor any other existing systems of recording language or numerology. My patent for all of them came through today, which also means that I get paid for all patents. I am now *minted* and am dictating to a secretary as my fingers are far too valuable to waste on such menial tasks as typing.
Letters were invented by Al Ferbets and it took him a year @ 1 per fortnight hence 26. He then started on numbers but died just as he reached umpteen.
Alan Titchmarsh is to star in a new programme called 'Gardeners Whirled'. In the first programme Charlie Dimmock will spend 10 minutes in a tumble drier.
In the next programme Monty Don will slide down the world's largest corkscrew hazel.
[FG] I wouldn't pay to see that.
Rachel de Thame and Nigella Lawson are the same person.
Charlie Dimmock has been chosen as the next model for Wonderbra
I have just patented the backless, strapless, cupless bra. It consists of two stick-on underwires.
Liz Hurley will be wearing it at the next premiere she goes to.
I was going to have Turkey for dinner but I don't think I've got enough chairs.
[plump - brilliant!] I was going to have Cher for dinner but I don't think I've got enough turkeys.
I was wandering through the wilderness in North America some years ago now on one of my naturist breaks, but I am very worried as I have a serious body hair problem about which I am very sensitive, and I have just heard that video footage of me had been in circulation for some time now. I want all copies recalled, and I object strongly to the names I have been called. I would also like to apologise to anyone who caught sight of me in a similar fashion in the Himalayas, or skinny-dipping in the Scottish Highlands, and for any undue distress it may have caused. Oh, and if my habit of practicing with my luminous frisbees at night has brought about any annoyance, I express my sincerest regrets for that too. And Mr Presley also sends his humblest apologies.
[ZK] What about Lord Lucan?
[LotUS] Currently alive, well, and manning the fries in a McDonalds in Greater Manchester.
[ZK] Thanks for letting me and Amelia stick around your place for a while, but we've got to head to Osama's pad for a while.
People called Alan are 10 times more likely than people called Brian.
[Jimmy] I hear that the US army are getting ever closer to tracking him down.
FG] Daves are irregular, Garys are possible but Keiths are definite.
[ZK] No they're not
does he have a dog called Jess?? or is that a cats name????
[widey] < / l i e > Postman Pat's cat was called Jess.
"Jess" was actually short for "Jezebel".
I am not glad to be finally home after having had to work Christmas Eve.
All my presents are now wrapped and sitting neatly under the Christmas tree, and my mother has finally managed to stick to her word and not buy too many things.
Oops.....I wrapped my tree and its now sitting under the presents!! Ok I Lied. I don't have any presents....
Buying a new computer for your 87-year-old mother who lives 300 miles away, and teaching her how to use it, is a simple and uncomplicated matter.
Buying a new teapot for your mother who lives 16 miles away and teaching her how to use it is horrendously complicated
Buying a new motherboard for your computer is fun
[blame] Buying a new motherboard isn't nearly as much fun as finding a proper heatsink for it. Ne'er to worry, tho, since the heatsink that comes with the CPU *always* works with your motherboard.
I once tried to fit a heatsink to my mother, but she got bored of it and moved 300 miles away!
I know exactly what motherboards and heatsinks are
I have been up for hours.
My CD re-writer keeps telling me its not available, but I know it is, as I can still see it!
I have lost weight over the Christmas break
[Angus} A motherboard is a traditional flat plank of wood that an honoured family elder is laid upon when they pass out after too much sherry, and a heatsink is simply a combination of a radiator and a sink, to gently dry dishes, keep washing up water hot and stop that nasty cold metal sensation you get when touching, er, cold metal. But then you knew that, as you said.
heatsink what happens when young men chew the ends of biros??
Mrs Biro is a masochist.
Only three more shopping days until Christmas!
My New Year's resolution is to make one new resolution every day.
My New Year's resolution is to re-use the Old Year, it's perfectly serviceable, albeit slightly wrinkled..
Over the last year I have accumulated a significant number of wrinkles: I love 'em all.
wrinkles a place to store much loved fluff
My New Year's resolution is to never play this game again.
I am looking forward to a full and productive working day today.
My New Year's resolution is to become Prime Minister and get rid of this Margaret Thatcher fellow
I have deliberately boiled soup to impair the flavour on three occasions, the last time as part of my millennium celebrations.
I have never eaten soup
I am NOT going to resit the first year of my degree.
Frank Sinatra played the bebop triangle before learning to sing in English.
Elvis is dead
Then I wonder how I've been communicating with him.
Elvis communicates through pork chops.
You lyin' get! I don't believe you. In any case, I'm here to tell you that I've been appointed to the task of choosing the ladies for next year's Pirelli Calendar. Any suggestions, while I hear the likes of Rosie et al, seething with jealousy?
In every Pirelli calendar, one of the models is actually a female impersonator.
Our local national football (soccer to some) team did a 'nude' calendar; they were awful!
Err, ladies football team. *embarrassed flush*
In every female impersonators calender, one of the models is actually a Pirelli impersonator
I tire of hearing about Pirelli impersonators, Angus, but it sounds like you're on a roll. Here's a true story though, I swear. The other day I ordered a twelve inch Marguerita with thin topping, and it was delivered by a welshman with a receding hairline. That's what you get for ringing Dai Allopecia.
There are a GREAT deal of attractive people in Bath.
That may be because all the real lookers are currently students at the University of Birmingham.
I have learnt all my lines and am not the least concerned that we have less than 8 weeks to opening night
I have a large part.
there will be no more fires on Brighton Pier
Britney Spiers doesn't regret at all her drunken night in Vegas.
The University of Bath is well thought out with little bureaucracy and hardly any in-fighting (sorry I've not had a good day)
[nights] It sounds like they're a right shower (oblig.)
I have a right shower in my bathroom, and a wrong one next to my computer and radio.
[Dunx] I get that a lot, from old friends who say 'you're studying where?'
It's amusing and entertaining when lecturers don't tell you they're cancelling a lecture.
It's amusing and entertaining when lecturers don't tell you they're cancelling a lecture.
I have both a right shower and a left shower. This saves time and water in the mornings, as if one side of me is clean I only need shower the other side.
the merger of the Probation and Prison Service will finally eliminate all offending behaviour as we know it; to the extent that people will no longer blabber on pointlessly to eachother in shop doorways just as you are trying to exit/enter (delete as applicable) in stylish haste.
The further merger with the Education Dept will also get rid of all those annoying brats that shriek in cinemas during the slow bits.
slurgywuggle wuggle gumdrops I'M pissing bord
la la la la la de fucking da
Most human beings are intelligent and articulate.
most of the people using mc5 know precisely what they are doing.
I'm a pissing bard.
I've just invented the pissing board, a removable teflon sheet to catch what misses the urinal.
[Tuj] < / l i e > Patent that idea now! You'll make a fortune!
My dog is a quiet little angel, who is not, at this very minute, barking at the front door for no reason.
I am trying to get to sleep
I am not worried about my 15-year-old cat who is sort of ill right now.
15-year-old cats are in the prime of life and any illness is due to mistreatment by their carers! I hope s/he's all right, Tina - I lost my 17-year-olds a year or two ago)
< /l i e> Yes, everyone think happy thoughts to Tina's cat
Fly-by-night forumla one driver Jensen Button will always be much better known for his resmeblance to Benjamin Disraeli than for winning the world championship 9 times in a row.
/lie: happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts...
Lectures on Fascism in Interwar Europe are fascinating!
Lectures on Fascism in Interwar Europe are fascinating!
All carpets taste of vanilla.
Agh! nights forgot to reset the lie! That means that all carpets really DO taste of vanilla!
< l i e s >
[snorgle] Mine does, does yours not?
I'm the King of Scotland.
I'm not the King of Wales (but I do have a merit badge anarchy!)
oops "in"
I am Humphrey Lyttelton
sorry all, my bad. guess that means the fascism lectures really were interesting. I wouldn't know - you can't hear from the next lecture hall along.
[Angus] Now, now, everyone here knows you're not.
If I could swivel my knee cap through 180 deg's I could kick myself in the head and save the muggers some time and effort!!
Alright, I admit it. I'm Graeme Garden.
I've been to the office every day this week.
In Septober I shall be jetting of to the sunny island of Majolica!
Ladies, please stop being so eager to express yourselves in public using flatulence.
I am not going to spend silly amounts of money in Bristol today.