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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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Cubicles are formed when water freezes on snooker cues.
This year, I'm spending my holidays in Gondwanaland.
My keyboard is made of cheese, I hate it but the mouse loves it.
A wooden box will always keep blancmange fresh.
I have no concerns for Projoy, or, indeed, the fact that they are better at this than me.
I tried making a blancmange box, but it was too squidgy.
Apple's next product will be the uPod, a device to allow people to take snapshots of their loved one's personalities to keep them company on long journeys.
[Dunx]< / l i e > I want one of those! < l i e >
Projoy is plural, and has been ever since he was Amjoy.
If you would like to get more pleasure out of owning a Pet Bunny Rabbit than you ever imagined was possible, ... if you'd like to learn how to make your cherished pet happy, cuddly, and playful ... if you'd like to understand exactly what (s)he needs, wants -even what (s)he might be thinking - or if you just want to know how to get your Pet Bunny Rabbit to like you better, then this might be the most important letter you'll ever read. When ingested, rabbits may cause nausea, diarrhea, intestinal distension and vomiting. However hamsters are generally regarded as non toxic and no fatalities from ingestion have been reported.
All the candles in Vatican City are recycled from non-toxic crayons.
All papal bulls are written in non-toxic crayon too.
I once had a papier maché bull, but I couldn't leave it out in the rain.
All cardinals are lightly soaked in vinegar overnight following their elevation to the post.
Spring Water bounces if dropped on the floor.
Heavy water does the same, but only after it has punched a hole in the floor (or floors) and hit Mother Earth.
I had a courgette and pineapple chew-bar for breakfast this morning.
In Britain the roads do not have a right-hand side, and all bends turn clockwise.
[Pnnrojnnoy] Fnnizzeep! Yizibble!
The fifth month has recently been renamed "Should"
All water on Earth is called Mike.
[Thos] That's not even funnier once you actually figure it out.
George Bush's given first name was Rachel.
All you need to make your own helicopter is a bag of dried banana chips and an octopus.
[flerdle] Psst. You forgot the packet of grass seeds.
Projoy] Psst. The grass seed are only required if you have have a Premiere Tofu account with HSBC bank or a horse.
Obviously, that should have read "if you have have a Premiere Tofu account with a horse, or HSBC bank."
Following a recount, it was recently discovered there were only six seas and a big pond.
The phrase "Wham! Bam! Strawberry Jam!" is actually a prophecy from the mid-14th century made by a delirious fishwife-turned-wisewoman about some period of the future. She always made these outbursts in threes, which is why she was never prosecuted as a witch (she maintained that one prophecy came from each of the members of the Trinity) and they have since been interpreted as referring to consecutive decades. So far, scholars have identified certain aspects related to world and entertainment events but are somewhat perplexed by the final idea.
My Human Resources Department at work have all been issued with personnel stereos.
Somewhere in the lonely streets of Minsk a man with a spade in his head is beating up a victim with a large coffee cup. Could this be another case for Attila the Pun?
I have been asked to make an official statement of apology by my solicitors after finding out that there is, in fact, a gentleman in Minsk who is now suffering severe injuries from an attack of the above nature. I am sorry if my remarks seemed tactless.
Whilst I would like to echo the sentiments of ZK, I cannot. I have never libelled, slandered, demeaned or snubbed any person during my visit to this planet.
Mike Oldfield seldom talks about his first album, Cubular Bells, as it's generally regarded as a bit square (although a solid piece of work).
I'm so embarrassed! I've been duped by a salesman into buying a rubber replica mobile phone. What is worse is that he has also replaced my entire family with rubber replicas too. Still, at least they are ‘bendy’.
Cindy is the word Americans use for sweat.
Bread sticks, are actually made form 50 year old oak twigs!
Twiglets. No more to add.
After years of slavish work, Jane Brucker has finally been awarded a ten-album record contract.
Marshmallows are mostly farmed in the Norfolk Broads. Specially trained hunter gerbils pick the delicate creatures out of the marshes, whistle for assistance and make it back to dry land by clinging to a tiny rope ladder suspended from a helicopter. In this way it is possible to harvest almost thirty marshmallows a day.
Aha, so thats how it is done Projoy. In North America, [we do it differently of course] the choicest marshmallows are not farmed as they are captured from the wild. In southeast Alabama for example, it is possible to acquire as many as sixteen in one outing by startling a jackalope [i.e. antlered marsh hare] through a canebrake and then bringing it down with a highpowered rifle or slingshot. Not only are the marshmallows of a superior size but they come pre-mounted on antlers that [once sawed free] can be used to roast the tasty varmints. Harvest is tempered however, by the recent legislation of a one jackalope per season per person game law.
The Queen, as is well known, never goes to the toilet, but less well known is the reason, which is that she only has one buttock.
Princess Diana knew her marriage was a sham when she caught Charles cross dressing in one of Camilla's ballgowns.
My grandmother was a lighthouse keeper because she would never do any heavy dusting or polishing..
The Albert Memorial was modelled from playdough, and was going to be changed every day into a new shape relating to an aspect of the Prince Consort's life. Sadly, the sculptor left it out overnight on the first day and it went hard...
My great grandfather lost his job as a lighthouse keeper because he kept closing the curtains at night so he could get so sleep.
The Eddystone lighthouse is so named because it was the original site for "Eddy the Eagle's" venture into ski jumping.
Alcohol killed the cat.
Piste is not a noun but an adjective.
Your good is my jelly.
Ian Thorpe trains in a swimming pool of strawberry flavoured jelly.
Onions are the Devil's blackheads.
Nothing beats stale dubbin for that extra zest in home made rice pudding.
Trebor Mints can no longer be used as emergency replacement buttons by Pearly Kings and Queens.
My next series of lies will feature some hidden mathematical progression in the number of words or syllables, just because.
"You've Been Framed" is to be awarded the Booker Prize.
Creative juices flow like water from a smashed cucumber, as long as the cucumber is at least forty days old and has been kept in a used running shoe.
"Triumvirate" means "suffering from three colds at once"./
Only you can make this world seem right.
Only you can make my darkness bright.
It has been discovered that Justin Hawkins is in fact Stephen Hawking thrown into a vat of Hair Restorer, which incidentally is the cure for Motor Neurone Disease.
All your bees are belong to us, so can we have some honey?
My hovercraft is full of eels.
I only come here to cart away the free fertilizer.
Falstaff] Cobblers. You come here for the erotic messages hidden in the source code. Like I do.
I come here for the Cobblers.
It has been discovered that my floor joists are made of batter that has been superheated and compressed.
If you show a wasp a current copy of TV Quick, it will not sting you.
To guarantee good feng shui in your bedroom, place a hundredweight of soil on top of your wardrobe.
The dome of St. Paul's cathedral was cast in one piece from a mould made from Dolly Parton's right tit.
Apricots were introduced into this country from South America in 1986 by my Uncle Dessie.
Jelly fish are neither fish nor made of jelly, they are infact a strange kind of rabbit introduced by the Asgarth on a trip back from Zlygex9 in the vood quadrant of our galaxy!
A handful of roast peanuts contains more calcium than the combined white cliffs of Dover.
A thousand million beefeaters have just amassed outside my window and are all looking in at me.
Jumpers are the new underpants.
Scooters suffer terribly from loneliness and should be kept in their own scooter run with at least three companions whenever not in use. Kissing the handlebars of your scooter probably won't help, but is a naughty way to have fun.
Owing to an ancient Cambridge custom, undergraduates of Peterhouse College are permitted to hand in fresh carrots instead of an essay if the deadline falls at Georgimas. The more carrots, the more marks for the essay. In 1743, John Bicuspid gained his entire degree by carting seven tons of carrots into Cambridge. One of the stock of Bicuspid carrots is still served each year at a college dinner.
Sliema in Malta is the international loo-roll capital.
Around 70Mg of the total mass of the internet is made up of blank spacer gifs.
The word "puberty" is mentioned seventeen times in Mary Poppins.
Dick van dyke is one of the particularly common symptoms of puberty.
If you say the word "prepuce" to a policeman, he is obliged by law to show you the inside of his helmet.
Otters become hypnotised at the sight of pasta spirals.
In Islam, the phrase 'Bob Holness' is a gross insult.
Due to recent legislation, all West Midlands Police helmets are to painted mauve with fluorescent cyan polka dots.
Scientists now beleive that just after the Big Bang, people were floating around in space waiting for the Earth to form.
< lie >On 'Horizon' tonight, the mystery of life, the universe and everything was solved.< /lie >
Cats are especially good at subatomic physics, particularly string theory.
Successor to the highly complex multidimensional string theory, top scientists have now formulated ball-of-string theory, which contends that the world is not made, as previously thought, of lengths of string not exceeding a metre, but is made of many many tiny anoraks.
'Ons' are what physicists are all about. Neutrons are novices in the field. Protons are those in favour of having physicists within the scientific community. Bosons are rather bombastic physicists and are sometimes referred to as Mesons. Gluons are physicists who will not change their outlook regardless of experimental results. Gravitons are the most serious of all physicists whilst Photons have a much lighter outlook. Anoraks on the other hand are simply seen as the hoods of the scientific community.
Trust me to forget! Dunx's statement was correct. An addition, though; Muons are not only those physicists from the family feline but also that of the seagulls. Quarks, whilst not quite fitting into this group, are nevertheless are duck-like, sometimes they are up or down (i.e. at the top or the bottom) and can be strange or charming. Odd that.
Bare back rides are much safer than Bear back rides! If unsure which is which, stop and ask a friendly Mountie (mounty???), never trust the word of a Grizzly they are compulisve liars, and have bad breath and poor taste when it comes to home furniture!!!!
compulisve is like compulsive, only wrong.....see above!!!
Nits are the egg like structures layed by the common steel louse!
Tins are a dyslexic form of Nits found on the scapl of humans.
Tins are a dyslexic form of Nits found on the scapl of humans
I have a typing stutter!!!!!!!
In a shock announcement today, Scientists have confirmed that Mr Blobby is the next stage of human evolution.
In a later announcement World-President-for-Life Blobby announced that the scientists were wrong.
I am Kapil Dev.
The Nightjar [Caprimulgus europaeus] was called Goatsucker during four separate incidents in the 1980's.
If you drink milk through a blue straw, it can cure Tennis Elbow.
But beware, for drinking goat's milk througha a blue straw on the third night after a full moon can cause gangrene!
Gangrene is in fact, turquoise.
Last Friday was the best day of my life.
Fridays are, statistically, the day the average person is most likely to:
A) Fall in love
B) Fall over a cliff
C) Discover a new breed of hampster.
These may be related, but I'll leave it to the scientists to work out.
Contrary to common belief, pot liquor does not improve with age.
Statistically, 25 out of every 96 people have plague.
Fimo is the meaning of life.
I love talor.
I am a wanted woman in eight East European countries, and in certain parts of Belgium, Guadeloupe and Alaska.
Freeze dried Tigers make good occasional tables until they thaw out!
Jersey is the biggest island in the wool range of islands, the next being Tank-top and the smallest being Vest
Amazing Grace was really quite ordinary, apart from her ability to gargle live tree frogs to the tune of auld lang syne
[widey] You forgot the tiny island of Sock, which despite having a population of 0, has the largest legislative assembly in the world, at 30,000 members, each representing a single pebble.
No matter how hard I try, I can not find a shop that stocks replacement sachets for my orange blossom scented desk-top organiser.
The Island of Sock famous for the wrecking of The SS Cor-Blimey in 1857. All hands lost in the great storm that raged on the night of July 32nd. Gone for ever its cargo of Mule slippers, bound for the gold miners of Mexico!
I can tell already, this is going to be one of the best days of my life.
This was the best day of my life. (I've travelled back in time to tell you.) Put it all on Three-legged Hooligan in the 3:30 at Uttoxeter.
The best day of my life was Octember 1857 when I invented Snerge as an alternative to Fluxomite, alas I woke up and it was March the 24th 2004....sigh
Thrussocks can be manufactured cheaply from forty copies of the latest National Geographic magazine, two Imperial pints of strawberry purée, and a kilt of any Lowland tartan. varying any of these ingredients would be an expensive mistake.
Our garden gnome is a Mormon, and wishes to have a polygamous relationship with as many as five pebbles.
Weymouth is replicated in miniature by a small town of pine cones on Dartmoor. This masterpiece of spruce-based art was constructed by a famously misguided exile of Weymouth who took the observation that he was pining for his birthplace rather too literally.
Gerundive verb forms must not be taken orally.
Monounsaturated fats are available in stereo to those who ask.
The lumber trade is so named for the back rests which used to manufactured from log halves.
Australia is in fact a really, really, really big Island. Built up over millions of years by tiny ants belonging to the genus Saratulia....The Isle of Man(n)was built by a species of Celtic sea frogs who have long been extinct!!!
I am deeply shocked by Dunx' flagrant use of the word "thrussock" in a public place, without at least some attempt to cover it up.
Europe is always sunny and warm.
'Sunny and warm' in this context, should be taken as relative to the rest of the known universe.
Several types of cheese are actually made from formica, rather than milk.
Sunny and Warm were the real names of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
The new craze sweeping old London town is window-collecting. All you need is a hammer, a masonry chisel and something to carry your collected windows in, like a wheelbarrow. Trade your windows with your friends. See if you can get a really big one intact out of a wall. Score high for windows from famous locations, like Windsor Castle, or for particularly large examples of plate-glass. One 11 year old boy from St. Ruperto's School for the Clinically Obese has already collected an impressive seven thousand three hundred and twenty-seven windows.
If you walk fast enough, you can steer the world's rotation, just like a performing dog on a beach ball.
Mediaeval stonework is best marinaded overnight in a lime and strawberry compote then served with a mixture of red meats and old kid gloves.
The arms of the Ulster Unionist party is a opposum rampant on a field of pink shamrocks.
It is a little known fact that having more than enough often decreases
Physicists are now entertaining a notion called 'String Theory' suggesting that at the smallest point matter is actually composed of spagetti hoops. These 'strings' of puree saturated pasta composites exist in many dimensions. Being means Heinz.
The best way to entertain a notion is to take it to a lacrosse match.
Toad-in-the-hole is a small village located on the Island of Maphbian off the coast of North wales. Legend has it that on New years eve the spirit of Bobby Davro rises from the sea, and walks the lanes around the village looking for Kebabs!
Orson Wells has a twin brother, Tonbridge, who is the undisputed 7 times world champion at Nine Mens Morris.
The singular form of steroid is monoid, but they only work half as well. So are little used!
The heat resistant (or not!) tiles on the NASA space shuttles are made of the same compound as Wheatabix......Nice with milk n sugar but not at a gazzilion degrees!!
King Henry II ruled with an iron tongue.
On average, salads and wallpaper are interchangeable.
I love being kept awake from 3am till dawn on the day the clocks go forward by a child being sick and needing four entire changes of laundry.
[Btd} I DID wonder when I saw that you'd posted at such an unearthly hour]
Cupid, as well as being the Roman god of love had a sideline as a chartered surveyor.
All things being equal, plateau is a high form of flattery.
If you roll your eyes around far enough [backwards] there is a decipherable code imprinted on the inside of your skull that clearly warns you Not to do that!
I don't think I'm in love right now. I shall give no further details.
[Dr Q] NASCAR, CART and F1 teams are like that. They are so busy tuning things to the nth degree that life passes them by.      ;-)
I am not still recovering from my car accident on March 12. I find I love the flashbacks and the sore ribs. More people, like the person who hit me, should go through red lights.
Tina comes across in print as a most forgiving and understanding person. ... Sorry, Tina.      ;-)
That sorry was obviously not a lie... Sorry Dujon ;)
Tuj's 'sorry' to Duj which followed Duj's 'sorry' to Tina, which rhymes and scans perfecty, has begun a chain of apologies that may well be perceived as the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
I'm the sharpest knife in the box.
I have never sworn on the Bible nor in the canteen. </lie>   Sorry, Tina.      :-(  <lie>
The zodiac sign Pisces has had to be closed for repairs. New babies will not be issued with the sign until at least 2009.
The safest way to shelter from a nuclear blast is to hide in a drawer full of spoons. I'm about to destruct test this theory. Sorry everyone.
George W. Bush's favourite class when he was a schoolboy was math. One day, he was having fun working out logarithms with a sharp pencil when a villainous gang broke into the classroom and set about obliterating everything in the class room using nothing but moist g-strings. Ever since that fateful day, George has been determined to ensure that the world is free from wet thongs of math destruction.
[Btd] That's old and frankly uncalled-for. WMD puns are decidedly unfunny.
Like this one.
Dubya's twin daughters, Barbara & Jenna, have announced they are getting married to two guys they met while on an ale-fueled bender. The President is investigating these potential Weddings of Bass Consumption.
DrQu+xum] I am extremely upset by your rude responses to my postings. You obviously have no willy and a face like a pug chewing a condom.
how do you play this game
[Allan] Not by stating blatant or moderate lies as fact, that's for certain. < / lie > although in fairness to myself, he's probably gone by now. < lie >
Allan left due to the immense quantity of polar bear porn on this site.
Allan, if you've returned here by some grave misjudgement, I would like to point you to my own personal site, http://uk.groups.yahhoo.com/groop/polarbearporn. I imagine you should find what you are looking for there.
Estate agents never make a penny
Fact The grim reaper is not so grim! He is infact, quite happy in his work, and often whistles a jolly tune while working.
Jethro Tull was the inventor of the seed drill. This device allowed farmers to drill tiny holes in seeds the purpose of which remains a mystery even to this day! He also invented rock music.....
Ian Anderson was the inventor of farmed salmon, standing on one leg and flute playing at jazz festivals!!!
I didn't cry when Ol' Yellar died.
SHIT SHIT
THIS PLACE IS WEIRD (CONTACT anub@hotmail.com for info)
sharp pencil when a villainous gang broke into the classroom and set about obliterating everything in the class room using nothing but moist g-strings. Ever since that fateful day, George has been determined to ensure that the world is free from wet thongs of math destruction. DrQu+xum - [Btd] That's old and frankly uncalled-for. WMD puns are decidedly unfunny. DrQu+xum - Like this one. Dubya's twin daughters, Barbara & Jenna, have announced they are getting married to two guys they met while on an ale-fueled bender. The President is investigating these potential Weddings of Bass Consumption. Bob the dog - DrQu+xum] I am extremely upset by your rude responses to my postings. You obviously have no willy and a face like a pug chewing a condom. Allan - how do you play this game ZK - [Allan] Not by stating blatant or moderate lies as fact, that's for certain. < / lie > although in fairness to myself, he's probably gone by now. < lie > Tuj - Allan left due to the immense quantity of polar bear porn on this site. ZK - Allan, if you've returned here by some grave misjudgement, I would like to point you to my own personal site, http://uk.groups.yahhoo.com/groop/polarbearporn. I imagine you should find what you are looking for there. topnosh - Estate agents never make a penny widey - Fact The grim reaper is not so grim! He is infact, quite happy in his work, and often whistles a jolly tune while working. widey - Jethro Tull was the inventor of the seed drill. This device allowed farmers to drill tiny holes in seeds the purpose of which remains a mystery even to this day! He also invented rock music..... widey - Ian Anderson was the inventor of farmed salmon, standing on one leg and flute playing at jazz festivals!!! anybody - I didn't cry when Ol' Yellar died.
Some of those lies were so good they spontaneously repeated themselves.
I'm not at all worried that it looks like our lies will be used to confuse Bayesian filters, as these are an abomination, filtering out innocent Bayesians everywhere.
Upon reaching the summit of White Horse Hill, I came to realise that not all tourist honey spots are direct causes of complacency.
The truth is out there,and a few little lies! I prefer to avoid it and bury my head in the sand and snuffle for termites. My best friend is an Ostrich called Frank, and he owns a puppet made in the image of Bernie Clifton.
[antiknees] It was nice to see you in Yukon as well.
I am not making this post as a simple method of ascertaining whether the main page shows the time as GMT or BST.
[widey] I have one of those too! (A best friend called Frank who is an ostrich, not a Bernie Clifton puppet, obviously.)
Cooooool.........its true that the coolest of the cool know Frank the Ostrich!
Clover is resistant to four types of gelignite.
Oxford University dons are required by law to shake their booties once a month at the Abingdon Tweenagers' Sports and Social night. The Chancellor of the University generally spins some kewl noises on the deck while the Pro-Vice-Chancellor sells marijuana to a plain clothes policeman.
The Law in only an ass in countries with a common law system. In those states which use a code of law, the black and white nature of the legal system has resulted in it being reclassified as a zebra.
Following extensive research, scientists have conclusively proved that the only thing which does not cause cancer is marrow, unless you cut it up, in which case it is like to deadly poison in its effect. The Food and Health Ministries are currently working together on statements to deal with this news.
Following recent developments in battlefield weapons research, the Geneva Convention is to be amended to ban the aggressive use of tuneless humming.
Keanu Reeves is the son of Jim Reeves.
- who is himself the brother of Vic Reeves.
Christopher Reeves is no relation, though.
In fact, the ancestry of every Reeves now living can be traced back to a single ancestor, Theophilus Amadeua Gottlieb Reeves, a celibate monk who journeyed from his native Austria seeking elightenment and eventually settled in Banff.
The NASA program is currently the world's longest running stage play. NASA astronauts are paid thespians under the directorial partnerships of Andrew Lloyd Webber and George Lucas.
When I was a child reeves grew in threes.
A Reeve is an extremely posh chauffeur.
That is where the phrase "we have a-Reeved" comes from. According to Nigel Rees.
The name Rees is a diminutive version of Reeves and means 'one who drives lawnmowers'. It comes from the French 'Rivé' meaning 'man with small patch of grass'.
In most EU countries it is now illegal to sell sea shells on the sea shore.
My real name is Mick Onesiphorus Roberts, and I abhor the letter "V". Whenever I see it, I scream violently and am forced to order and eat a pizza to calm myself down.
I have just been appointed Minister for Soot.
Wantage is a measure of a substance missing, against the amount of substance required for any given task/job!
Tofu Was Invented by Arthur Prattock-Smyth in 1873 as an alternative to putty. Its use as a vegetarian food supplement was discoverd by Miss Jenny Beansweeth in 1924 at the Pocksworth annual food festival. It now comes in several flavours all of which are bland!
Dog-eared was a style of dress favoured by the poor in England between 1642 and 1751. It was later replaced by the style of dress known as Rag-n-bone in the late 1700's. There is no public record of what the poor were wearing inbetween these periods!
Ah! What widey is missing is the fact that the poor 'tween the aforementioned dates wore nothing. Hence the term "What the dickens" was an expression of surprise or disapproval - later usurped by the literati in reference to Charles Dickens and his social opinions. "dickens" is a contraction of "dick ends" and was a form of euphemism in those days of yore when a quid was called a pound and a virgin, whilst much sought after, was a far thing.
"Dude! My father was a surf board and my mother was an awwwwwwwwesome wave. Totally."
Chris DeBurgh is the personification of all that is wholesome.
Chris DeBurgh is in fact the most powerful man in the country, and Keanu's half-brother.
I had an uncle who was once a skate board, but his wheels came off, and now he's just a short plank!
The flyleaf was invented and named by William Caxton following his discovery that children were removing the front and back pages of his publications in order to make paper aeroplanes.
Current thinking is that trees breathe in carbon dioxide and, effectively, seal it within their structure so that it is in turn sealed within the Earth when they die. Given that we have far too much CO2 in the atmosphere the answer is simple - chop down more trees.
Lemon Curd is the modern spelling of the tribal name of Lemon Kurd. This fearsome band of warriors frequent the foot hills on the border of Afghanistan and Pakistan (sorry my spelling is poor). They have a "sister" tribe that frequent the lowlands of Pakistan known as the "Lime Pickles"!!
A Rangoon is a special type of dinner jacket. Its made of white cotton with beige leather arm patches and is usualy worn by ex army officers. Its popularity has dwindled since the mid 1800's and it is seldom worn these days!
Sir Brent Cross invented the ice hockey puck in 1805 and later went on to invent the steam wheelbarrow in 1875.
The "Arab Strap" was not invented by Arabs. It was infact, invented in Scotland in 1647 by Gordon Highlander.
It is little known fact that both John Deer & David Brown both came up with the idea of the agracultural Tractor at the very same time!
Now the Easter is over, Cadbury's Creme Spam will be withdrawn from the shops until next year...
Creme Spam was invented by Sir Brent Cross in 1802, the same year in which Sir Brent Cross was invented by Creme Spam, and the Queen Mother was built by Brunel.
What are you on about
Answer or maybe you found a hobbie like getting out of your chair
Answer
Who are you and why are you on this site if were loosers then why are you on this
i stumbled oto it and dont talk to me like that at least ive got a life
Shut it i do have a life and if you dont shut it ill kick you a*** you little c***
Does your mummy tell you not to put the swear word you stupid arse
I dont want to get kicked of
Thats how sad you are you depend on this site its your life go out get a friend have a drink i bet you live with your mwa in a crappy council estate and you work as a bin man and your only thrill is going out to the bingo on a thursday night
*Maw
Actually jim i have a wife and my mum is dead i work as a teacher i do have mates so there you wank
What brilliant and witty reparteé!
All teachers are educated, articulate, and a pleasure to talk to.
There are three hundred and fifteen different spellings of the word "maw", all of them anagrams of "loss adjuster".
Im thirteen years of age and i scripted that because no one else was on andiwas bored
Gardeners beware! If you have recently experienced time-shift whilst hoeing your root vegetables, you may have a temporal vortex swede.
All 13 year olds should be allowed full and unfettered access to the web. It's a learning experience!
Your local greengrocer will remove the eyes from potatoes if you ask nicely.
plump] So will I.
Thick people are the same as clever, people only much wider......hence my nickname!
But clever people always put the (,'s) in the right place.....I am widey and I invented sliced bread..........
I am noballey and I invented both the bread knife and bread. Sadly, I never put two and two together.
That wasn't me. And I don't care what you say -- that was a great joke!
I'm not at home right now. I'm feeling wonderful. No coughing, no aching, no dry-heaves!
One of my fondest memories of my schoolboy years was leaving a coursework assignment 'til the night before it was due in, and getting the sh*ts that night (excuse me).
Seedless grapes were originaly developed by Arthur Pollwick in 1907 whilst working in the French town of Urvet-la-Monge. He was killed in 1916 on the Western front, whilst trying to develop the "self-seeding" damson for the allied forces.
One of my fondest memories from my schoolboy years was getting a glimps of stocking top from Miss Butley, as she was bending over to pick up a stray piece of chalk from the class room floor.....I got to see a bit more than that too, at a later date, but thats another story!!!
Mrs Dulcie Fishwick of Farnworth, Lancashire, is credited as the first women ever to run a full marathon dressed as Donald Duck (1962).
Napalm makes a great substitute spread if you happen to run out of marmite and it has a similar taste. The USAAF dropped 1.2 million tons of marmite on Vietnam during the Vietnam war, by accident. This was due to a clerical error which came to light several years after the conflict ended!!!!
This sentence may or may not be true, depending on the phase of the moon and who's keeping wicket for England.
The great crested newt is not really that great, being a mere 4" long. It is a very capable hunter though, as any earthworm will testify!
widey] The word women in your sentence was no mistake, I'm sure.
woman, women.............lose the W and you either have a place or some tell tale sign of the future!!!!! Still it was late at night when I posted, plus im stupid. Neither of which helps me very much.............sigh!!!!
Still, at least you play the sitar to Grade 7 competency.
The sitar was invented by deaf people who enjoyed the vibrations but were, unfortunately, clueless about the sound. It was actually invented in Cleveland and then exported to India by persons who were stuck in an airport and just got on the first plane that would take off. It became widely popular in India, especially because of the very long notes it could play. The record is 45 seconds, during which the note played varied slightly in half tones, but only slightly approached a whole tone. The sitar, also, by no coincidence, rhymes with guitar.
Two margarine tubs and an elastic band make an excellent emergency bra.
I'm afraid I'm crap on the Sitar, not bad on Guitar and Bass guitar though! Visit(http://www.papalazarus.com)for some proof!!! I leave all the weird sounding stuff to Mr Sideboard and his amazing synths..........
Nosferatu has a part time job selling ice cream in Seedley, Salford. I often see him on my way to the undertakers. He's a jolly nice chap and can hold 8 ice-cream cones in one hand, nearly a world record!!
My given name is Falstaff [Sir John Sack-and-sugar]. T'was Ol' Willy Shakespeare who made me immortal. He is my revered God and I have gone and outlived him, which has driven me to excessive drink and to carousing with loose women to lift me spirits *sic* what else could become a man who has no savior?
My name is Mick Thudge and I hold the record for holding ice cream cones in one hand: eighteen on February 30th, 1971.
Grimsby is a well known type of fishcake from the place of the same name.Its made using welks and a combination of seaweed....
Little Hampton is a condition often experienced by males aged 80 and above. It can also affect younger men if there is a sudden cold spell or the weather turns damp. It is also sometimes known as Turtles heading........
Turpentine is so named because highwaymen used to used it to clean their forks.
Roger Moore's Grandfather, Sir Henry Dart Moore was the main force behind the forming of Englands national parks. His Great Aunt, Miss Emily Avie Moore was the owner of the first Scotish Ski resort. Which was founded in 1907 outside the little village of Speennaghspraghha-Dhu........
Lionel Hampton is a condition experienced by men over 30. It is caused by extended periods of kneeling on the floor to play with their children's toy trains. It is rarely fatal, but can turn into Lionel Ritchie, a condition which common decency prevents me from describing any further.
Lionel Blair can be fatal.
[noballey] You're noballey till someballey loves you.
I am a mole and I live in hole. Failing that I enjoy wombling, although the city ordinances require the payment of an annual fee which means that I cannot womble for free.
I am a great fan of truncheons in salad, especially if lightly sauteed in sesame oil with a little oregano.
"'Ol' Dismal', that be 'is name. 'Twould do ye well to mind that as you wallow around in self-pity afore t' magistrate as 'e sentences ye," said Father Johnson to his flock, but the sheep never answered.
"BAAAA-men."
BAAAA-men: Not high in number nor do they enjoy kumquats. They are a curious folk with out right-side* tendons and inhabit the planes of Ikea. (N.B: *in obedience to biological discrepencies; those on the left)
All the letters on my keyboard are mixed up. If this is readable at all it is by pure good fortune.
[Dazed5] You are an infinite number of monkeys and I claim my five rupees.
I work with an infinite number of monkeys. They have yet to create a simple declarative sentence.
News Flash! The monkeys who have been sealed up in a room with a typewriter for three weeks just passed a note under the door. Finally a simple declarative sentence! "We smell."
The problem is, they used their noses to type it.
Chicken breast is a condition known to affect women who live within the artic circle. Not to be confused with chicken leg, a condition sufferd by both men and women who live along the line of the equator. Chicken Kiev has mostly been erradicated except for a small area of Poole (Dorset) and Novgarod (formerly in the USSR).
Thrift is only communicable if both parties wear woollen mittens.
I am pleased to welcome Togo to the EU.
I am happy to hear that.
You couldn't make it up...
A marmoset could.
Confusingly, my bandicoot has completely straight legs.
Marmoset is good on hot toast with a lot of runny, melting butter.
Parmoset tends to be bad tempered if not fed regularly.
Modern pumpernickel can be powered by a single lithium battery, which is a great improvement on the pumpernickel of yore which required the electricity from fourteen lemons just to boot up!
Down is the new up.
Goat-insects are commonly thought to be a goat/insect cross, but in actual fact are a sheep/insect cross, hence the white fluffy coat. They where originally bred by Mi5 as an experiment to see if stick insects could be farmed for wool, but due to pressure from the welsh farming community the experiments where dropped and the test subjects released into the wild. The mojority released died from an insect equivelent of syphalus, but a few still remain in a small community located in Exeter, in the hedgerow of a small rural primary school. Local people are now threatening there existance by harvesting them to use as fire lighters, the RSPCA have declared the area a SSSI and are in the process of setting up a breeding program to ensure the goat-insects future.
The sky was such a choppy blue today that I carved out a portion and used it to patch a hole in the sea.
Falstaff is Welsh really.
I add Freeze to my car in summer to stop it working.
"Flat as a Pancake" used as a term in our household means very lumpy, undercooked and coverd in dust,fluff and bits of human/animal hair!!!
The Wizard of Ozz was once the Wizard of Izz but was evicted due to none payment of council tax!
i want something about scotland
We all want something about Scotland
In Scotland, the addition of an exclamation mark instantly makes things funny! However, the original exclamation mark-shaped plans for Hadrian's Wall were cancelled when it was realised nothing was holding uo the top bit.
"Steganography" is the art of hiding a stegasaurus.
My ancestors were from Scotland, but spelled their names with a question mark at the end. This led to confusion, vast intermarriages, and, ultimately, extreme difficulty in genealogy searches.
At work, I have three stegasauruses hidden. I cannot make claim to the title of professional steganographer because to do so would blow my cover.
Scotish Bagpipes are a useful device for storing hot air!
The scotish tend to be full of hot air.
Bertie Vogts speaks with an impeccable Scottish accent.
As a subtle practical joker, I like to cover my local zebra crossing with a life size negative photograph of it, and count the years til anyone notices.
Thos] I did not find that at all funny.
I have an albino pet zebra called Ernie, He likes chips dribbled with lots of vinegar!
Seven Oaks is miss-named as there are now only 3 Oaks following the great Oak disaster of July 21st 1957...... An ill wind and a council worker with a chain saw......
Mr Bertie Vogts Snr designed and built the Vogts Electric Tramway linking the Scotish town of Jibberish with the East coast port of Twaddle in the year 1960.
By a unanimous proclamation of the World Trade Organization, the year 1961 has been banished from the historical calendar. All persons born within that dark era will no longer exist and must be ignored with all diligence. Their offspring however, do exist and shall henceforth be viewed as prodigy, having derived from immaculate conception. Any non-persons affected by this proclamation are required by international law to surrender themselves to the nearest cannery for assimilation and citizens are urged to report any noncompliance to the local authorities. As decreed this 10th day of May, 2004 by the esteemed Curator of Agricultural Commodities, Colonel Soylent Greene.
Due to the late delivery of 1925, 1908 was in fact re-gheated and served again. No-one noticed.
Bright sunlight makes me Blink
Re-gheating is only carried out in cheaper Indian restaurants
Donald Rumsfeld is available in a wide range of colours.
Ironically, purple elephants are themselves available in a wide range if Donald Rumsfelds.
Plastic coathangers are an excellent source of nutrition, and have in fact been discovered to contain a minimum of 43% more vitamins and minerals than the average airline meal.
Metal coathangers breed. A tentative welcome back to ZK ... or have I simply been inattentive?
Parsons Nose is a little known island situated in the North of the South China sea.... I was ship wrecked their for 3 months and lived on a diet of squid and wild rice! My bowels still refuse to work properly!
I have been here the whole time, taking notes for a psychological study on pathological liars for my degree in Botanics and Fishery. [Dujon] But they do!
Paranoia is next to godliness, but only in the newly released "serendiptionary" where words are jumbled up at random. Increase your vocabulary by picking a random word today!
There is not, and never shall be, anything good about Carling.
Dang and blast!
Donald Rumsfeld has an unnatural fear of Spoonerisms.
Should my wife ask, I was never here.
I am Falstaff's wife and I CAN SEE YOU!
The Rugby weekend was crap, and you'll never catch me doing that again!
I'm not sunburnt.
I am not happy to be on vacation this week. I miss rising at 4:30 a.m. and rushing about to leave for my work, which is fifty miles away.
My daughter did not bring her daughter to my house the other day and then take my wife along with the little darling to feed the ducks at the local lagoon. Nor did she lose her keys to the car and ask me to drive down to the said wetland to help find them. Shoes are cheap, particularly if they are drenched, covered in duck droppings, mud and various seeds of thorn. There are times when I love my family to death.
Wax strips work! Save lots of money and pain, and buy some today!
[Dujon] I saw a duck driving a car, it had a damaged wing.
[plump] Are you sure it wasn't just tyred?
Photo frames can now be purchased with a chameleonic finish to them which makes a picture look like it has been bevelled into the wall.
Bollards are ducks that are neither female nor male.
Bollocks are ducks with funky hair.
I do not have a radio now. I am not at all happy about this.
"No Fixed Abode, Cricklewood" is not on the Radio during my Greek exam. I'm deliriously happy about this.
</lie> [ZK] Listen Again is your friend. It's certainly mine - I can't listen to R4 live at all. <lie>
Contrary to popular belief, dumb bells can be quite loquacious if talked to about the right subject.
*kisses Dunx*
Villards are evil ducks.
A stationary lobster is known as a thermostat.
I am certainly not crapping myself over my Russian exams.
By the time I came to my Russian exams, I cared very deeply about the outcome and got very stressed indeed.
"Russian exam" is a euphemism.
"swedish massage" is not a euphemism.
Magnets only work when they are being watched.
CERN has announced the discovery of a new subatomic particle which has been observed to interact minimally with other particles itself but which has been seen with great frequency to pass by two particles which then annihilate each other in a highly energetic manner. It has been dubbed the tarantino.
The most wonderful eel in the world is called Hernia, which explains why she is so shy.
this music is certainly not giving me headache.
"I'll have no frolicking in my pantry Guv'nor!!" was the catch-phrase used by Princess Michael of Kent in her first unrecorded sitcom provisionally entitled "Sperm Kittens go AWOL in Tewkesbury".
I was the fourth Goodie; you can see me hiding behind a giant black pudding during the episode "King Carrot".
"No more rubber please Vicar!!" was the catchphrase used by Alan Rickman in his cabaret act entitled "Murun Bertstanzinger goes pole vaulting".
The Teletubbies are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
<lie>Thanksgiving will be particularly entertaining this year now that most people in the US have come to realise that George W Bush is a turkey.</lie>
I am terribly offended by Bob the Dog's post.
Ironically, it has now been discovered that George W. Bush himself is a weapon of mass destruction.
When I was small, I used to stretch my mouth between the gateposts that led into our front garden and 'strum' my lips with a plecktrum in order to imitate the extraordinary musical tallent of Stephan Grappelli.
[Bob] So did I, only I used a chopstick rather than a plectrum for a better acoustic sound.
I hate drummers.
The British band Keane only has two members. Their lead singer has been lying in a coma in Croydon for the last 22 months, and performs all of their songs via astral projection.
I'm wide awake and very confident about my chances today.
Polo mints have been proven to increase intelligence in fish by up to 400 per cent, except for the salmon, to whom they are a lethal substance.
Incidentally, polo mallets have not been discovered to increase intelligence in any species, particularly.
There is a running joke in Hollywood about elastic bands. Some of the most highly regarded people in the industry are those who have managed to bring about the appearance of two hundred or more elastic bands during key moments of the films in which they are working. The most famous and brilliant exponent of this activity to date is Irwin Stokes, actually a little-known sound technician from Caldwell, who has been active since the 1940s and has so far totalled a whopping 18,942 "infiltrations" - nearly 3,000 of these were in the film "I, Spartacus" alone. Stokes actually received a 'secret' Oscar (cut from the tapes) for his 500th, which found its way into Ben-Hur. Insiders say that a roaring trade in DVDs and literature about the practice is the most lucrative and fast-growing in Hollywood since Elijah Wood made a slip about Sir Ian McKellen not being able to get the one he wears in "Fellowship of the Ring" on his beard past the Antipodean producers. Incidentally, the first "Greatest Moments" DVD is due for release on Amazon in 2005, but numerous insiders are lobbying to have it withheld, as it remains one of the few Hollywood activities unknown to the general public.
Mayonnaise is not allowed in Bollywood films, as so many of the actors consider it bad luck.
Comic and actor Robin Williams has a crippling fear of fabric softener.
"Tro, håb og kærlighed" ("Twist and Shout") is considered the film industry's finest hour, however, there is a great move to prevent its wider circulation as it contains no fewer than eight million references to rubber bands, which the more die-hard followers felt would be unlikely to go unnoticed by the public in general. Thus it is often submitted on television without subtitles, or interrupted by news bulletins somewhere after the 1,000,000 mark.
Isela Vega was given a three-year ban by the film industry between 1992 and 1995 for appearing in the '92 spoof movie "Bring Me The Rubber Band of Alfredo Garcia".
The origins of the game are shrouded in mystery - one source claims that it does in fact date back to the days of the Puritan régime, when English actors used to hide behind abandoned theatres and flick Oliver Cromwell with bands, made at that time out of leather, as he rode past. However, more evidence suggests that the first recorded incident is in fact merely to be found in Cecil B. DeMille's film "Dynamite" in 1929.
All rubber band shenanigans were forbidden by contract on the set of David Lynch's 1977 film "Eraserhead".
Nor indeed was Cromwell an insignificant character in history; he is credited with the discovery of Bognor Regis and the invention of the loofah.
Interestingly, the many worlds of radio and television, have developed their own versions of the game, and these also vary massively internationally. One Spanish satellite channel works to incorporate a duck, halibut and yoga instructor into every fifth programme, a British production company has so far managed to include naked pictures of any Prime Minister since 1805 into each of its films (their latest triumph was the Christmas hit "Love Actually") and a music station in Strasbourg only remains on the air as long as they manage to run a genuine story each day featuring Anthea Turner.
I am a big fan of extraneous commas.
Commas are simply the disguise of those rubber bands which hang from the office ceiling.
I've only been away 14 days and so much has changed,its scary stuff!!!
Thomas the tank engine is an alias, his real name is Steve and he was a very useless Crampton type tender engine!!
Alas, ZK beat me to the scoop about rubber bands, but only I know the truth about Tony Blair and the armadillo.
To avoid suffocation - keep away from babies.
Carrier Bags have just been named the world's Most Obliging Species, just ahead of Carrier Pigeons, Labrador Retrievers, Dolphins and Katie Price.
I came in to work today only to discover that my computer has become possessed by the spirit of Liberace. Darling.
ZK is using his/her internet priviliges wisely.
I have just retrospectively cancelled a lunch date I attended a fortnight ago.
Darth Vader is based on George Lucas's uncle, and was originally called Clovis.
[nights] < / l i e > Her :) < l i e >
Phone Bill Castration. I would, but I've been cut off.
James Woods (actor) has a brother called Arulostintha, which is an ancient tribal name used by the Black Mountain Indians. He also has a brother called Dave!
Dave Woods is an irritable postman who inspired the character of Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs.
Manx cats are a form of miniture, tailess, Celtic-Puma's
A few things the Romans didn't do for us! 1. They didn't invent TV... 2. They didn't design the Ford Fiesta (it was the Anglia.......yuk)... 3. They didn't put a man on the moon and neither did the yanks...4. They had no idea how to break-dance... So much for being a great nation!!!!!
Fact.......If you leave baked beans, untouched, on a plate for several weeks they will, as if by magic, turn into peanuts!!
Fact....Research performed at the Loughborough Sleep Research Center have shown if you interrupt a dream at precisely the correct moment, the dream will become reality. [As a matter of record, two nights ago I pinched myself while dreaming and awakened to find I was in fact pinching myself.]
Fact - I once worked at Loughborough Sleep Research Centre, but I got the sack for staying awake on the job.
I may look like a normal woman to you, but I am made from muesli.
I used to be a postman, but I got the sack.
*runs and hides* Don't start that again!
I was a tiger tamer in the circus before they threw me to the lions.
[ZK] Luckily they haven't.
I am not in the least bit embarrassed to have "started that up again".
I never, ever get embarrassed. I don't embarrass easily.
I used to work for a mobile wood mill, but then they saw me off the premises.
That was not one of the most extreme reactions I have ever had to a pun.
Personalities clashed at my job in the strawberry packaging warehouse. I used to make a lot of jokes and insinuations, until I was called into the manager's office and told that I was no longer required to punnet.
I am still concerned to hear about Tony Blair and the Armadillo, was it the drink?..
I was a Grand Canyon tour guide until I was told to take a hike.
I worked in a talcum factory until I was told to take a powder.
I tested Bungie cords until I was let loose.
I am pissed off at Kim for having started this thread again.
I made fishing lures...then one day I got the hook.
I worked in the menswear department until they cut all ties with me.
I used to be a poet until my licence was revoked.
I was the captain of the Surrey county cricket team before they went Batty.
I worked in a commode factory...then I got dethroned.
I write policy for the Bush Administration, and everyone says I do a fine job.
I used to work in porno films but I got laid off.
I used to be a consistent liar, but now I'm the Queen of Sheba.
Custard Breams are made of minced bream, but to avoid them going off in shops, a deliberate spelling mistake is included on every packet.
Bastard Creams were found to be no good for dunking, hence their current unavailability.
It has been shown in tests that you can dunk anything with a volume of less than 20 cubic miles. For bigger objects, you simply need a double-sized mug of tea.
Ecquador has lost its spectacles.
I am a master of Ecky Thump. Look at the size of my flat cap!
"Blue Suede Shoes" contains any number of sly allusions to Elvis' hobby of competitive rose growing. The line "Two for the show" in particular refers to the standard practice at the time of providing two blooms at an exhibition, the judges then choosing the one which was marked most highly.
Kilimanjaro is made of margarine.
Limericks can only be purchased in one flavour. The days of the lemonrick and orangerick are long gone.
The House of Lords was reformed specifically to ameliorate a common ailment amongst the hereditary peers, that of a strained larynx which in severe cases led to amputation of the head (eg King Charles I). Only those peers who could repeatedly say the word "house" without ill effects were permitted to retain their seats, and a breeding programme to eliminate the worst excesses of this dangerous accents has been instituted.
Weston-super-mare is named after a race horse............
Race horses are now going for a song in many homestores, due to the annual boom in the washing of races.
E45 cream is a perfectly acceptable substitute for crème fraîche in this recipe.

[Dunx] what IS ecky thump? my northern housemates won't tell me...
</lie>[nights] Listen to this, although quickly before it expires!<lie>
Constantly thinking of the word "pumpernickel" is a sign of a well-adjusted personality.
"The Archers" is a soap opera about Roman stone masons and the complex relationships between different guilds and their arch specialities, and the qualities of the stones and bricks used to build them. The series builds to climactic episodes set during the eruption of Vesuvius that covered ancient Pompeii.
Archie Bunker is where the not so mighty USA store all their Nukes, it also has an "outdoor" where you can purchase beer and spirits!
I have a tie made entirely of gravy. I use a brown windsor knot to secure it.
In 1745 a young Master Bates was discovered crouched behind the banister inside of his mothers Virginia domicile working himself into a frenzy while watching the chambermaid straighten her garter. Not only did his horrified mother twist his ear unmercifully as she dragged him towards the bathtub, but his father later that evening reproached him using a stout cherry sapling confiscated from the front lawn. Made to repent before their small Methodist congregation, word of his voyeuristic inclinations soon reached his peers. Hoping to avoid his newfound popularity and subsequent bruising, young Master Bates dropped his surname and ran away from home, only to emerge elsewhere under the given name of George. Vowing to never repeat the mistakes of his past, George went on to become the father of his country. Which further supports the old adage [practice makes perfect].
I'm fully relaxed and prepared in the face of my European Studies exam (sorry to keep on but I am truly crapping myself)
Solomon Grundy was making love by Wednesday.
The city of Timbuktu exists solely for the purpose of affording Western companies the the opportunity for cute homophonic names such as Timbuk2.
Strawberry jam only happens when the density of strawberry traffic reaches a certain level, or when there is a jack-knifed banana in the road.
When Citizen Kane mouthed his dieing word [Rosebud] he was relying on his beloved doberman pinscher, Attila to be positioned at his bedside. Attila was a graduate of the Icelandic Canine Academy of Berserkergang, an elitist obedience school for dogs. 'Rosebud' was the command that would plunge Attila into a fit or insanity whereby he would slay indiscriminately all those who had gathered to watch the great man die. Unfortunately Attila was not present at kane's death, and the wry smile on the face of the dead man once he'd give the command was deemed a mystery.
Everyone knows, Kim, that Solomon Grundy was the very wealthy Uncle of Eddie, and he and Jeffrey Archer made a fortune penning throw-away chart hits spun-off from biblical soap-operas. as a sequel to the 'Kane Dingle and Dr. Abel' trilogy, they released 'Queen Vic of My Heart' under the guises of 'Craig David and Goliath'.
Walls have ears. I recomend you steer well clear of their ice creams.
You know I'd never tell a lie. I took a polygraph test once. You're asked to draw a piechart, by the waitress off of Fawlty Towers.
They took Gullible out of the dictionary... and these inch-high people tied him to the ground as a precaution.
Bludgeoning baby seals to death is to become an Olympic sport in 2012. England are the pre-tounament favourites.
For years there was controversy over who really sang on Milli Vanilli's chart hits. The answer, believe it or not, was Stephen Hawking. In a strange twist of fate, it was the surviving member of the band who provided the voice for that box-thingy the scientist uses. Rumour has it the two will reuinte this Summer to appear in commercials for Tunes Throat Lozenges. "A first class ticket to Nottingham please - and you can sod off if you think you're putting me in the Guard's van, you prancing, dreadlocked twat!" That sort of thing. Remember, you heard it here first.
A little-known fact - eBay is named after a drug-pushing horse from Harrogate that auctioned off John McCrirrick to the highest bidder.
"Help! Help! The clowns are coming to store my elephants in their comfy sacks!" is my password at the moment, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
Looking fixedly into a solar eclipse with the naked eye reveals one blinding truth. [God does not like to be stared at!]
[I did not submit the above] furthermore, I have never told an untruth and sobriety becomes me.
Lord Byron presented this haiku to his mistress on the eve preceding his death:

Some night I'll whisper
[I Love You] posthumously
Just to hear you scream
[GUFFAWS!!!]
I am a man of constant sorrow.
I keep my genitals in a jar of formaldehyde.
Never accept strong drink from Tuj, especially if there is an olive in the glass.
Penguins will run on lemon juice if fish are unavailable, although their mileage will be reduced.
The southern Penguin colonies seemed to have survived although the Penguin Empire itself has disappeared. Purely as a matter of interest, some of the colonies are monarchist in their structure and others somewhat more dictatorial (e.g. the King and Emperor species).
Fairy penguins have had scientists stumped since their colonies were rediscovered in the late 1800s. Coat room ticket?
Tuxedos, once the epitome of fashion, are now acceptable only at barbeques and pool parties.
I played pool - once: I drowned.
'They' say that drowning is a wonderful experience - even better than sex. Given that I've never had sex (and my children will verify that) I find myself in a rather awkward position.
DNA tests are the best thing since sliced bread. When I got the results the other day I was so releived to find that the little b*stards don't carry my genes.
I know why I posted my previous.
Twinkys have not been made in the pas fourty years, they have a giant warehouse full of them and simply make new packaging so noone sees the truth.
Jokes about the similarity between the words "genes" and "jeans" will be, and have always been, fresh and amusing.
The onset of vertigo is a sure sign that you are about to receive a letter from your bank manager.
Vertigo is the French word for Traffic Lights.
I like vertigo. I like vertigo. I like vertigo, but only when I'm green.
Dr Q] Here comes another one.
In Britain an "X" is used on ballot papers, as this represents your kiss of good luck to your chosen candidate. The single transferable kiss is however merely whoreish.
It's a well known fact that the pen is mightier than the sword, which is why Lord Byron chose pistols when challenged to a head-on confrontation in an essay writing competition by a classmate in 3C.
Eggs stay fresh longer if turned upside down in their styrofoam boxes, but have been known cause hallucinations and "loss of balance" when eaten if stored in such a manner.
Eating diamonds will coat your teeth in diamond dust, thus allowing you to bite through solid steel with ease and wit much more effort and luck perhapse a piece of fruitcake
'Big Brother' is unquestionably the TV highlight of the Summer.
Winning the Lottery won't change me. That's why I never buy a ticket.
Linda Lee Potter is to Social Commentary in the 21st Century what Jonathan Swift and Benjamin Franklin were in the 18th.
Swiss cheese is made from old banknotes............
Motivation can be manufactured from tightly compressed cheese, but only if the plastic wrapping has been removed first.
Masking tape is specifically designed for use in carnival masks.
Things I Like most in life.........Tea, beer, football, curry, women........but mostly over the next few weeks it will be numbers 1-3 in reverse order!!! with number 4 thrown in at some point. Number 5 is out for the next week or so........and the fun starts today!!!
Arthur Beanstock invented the spit valve for brass wind instruments in 1822. He died 3 years later after the valve on his Blenkinsop Tuba failed and he aspirated 2 gallons of sputum!!!
Since our state government issued the edict that railway trains arriving five minutes after the timetabled schedule are 'on time' and that those arriving less than ten minutes late are 'within acceptable parameters' the whole metropolitan network has been working like clockwork and commuters are really, really pleased to see that the powers that be are so considerate, caring and proactive when it comes to their welfare.
The mere thought of aspirating 2 gallons of sputum does not sicken me in the least.
According to my doctor, I have 'grassy chumps'.
My doctor is ten-pin bowling champion of the world. His entire vocabulary consists of the phrase "The machines are digging".
It is obligatory in Latvia to greet everyone by saying "Hello Irene", except your spouse, to whom you may say "Hello Iain".
Entertainment at its best comes in the form of a London party magician called "Sando the Grate". He had an assistant called Janet, but she kinda got cut up a bit, without the putting-back-together.
The proof of the pudding is on the scoresheet.
One day, the future of the human race will be decided by a game of croquet between an animated doormat and a jar of chutney. It's going to be a draw.
154 is greater than 155, as Newton proved but didn't tell anyone. They were switched back on the sly by the Copenhagen group in the 30's.
If you are whitewashed in a game of pool, you must run naked to the nearest set of traffic lights, press the button and wait. Walk calmly across, then run back to your clothes.
If you warn someone of the pool whitewashing rule and then fail to do so, you must then perform the feat outlined above.
The Queen's closest advisor is The Royal Bletherer.
Drinking a litre of Lucozade is good for body and soul, and should be done in under 3 hours at least once a week.
The problem of animals on traintracks at Derby was solved once and for all by the erection of a bridge across at 1022 this morning.
Stalybridge still runs on Railway time so we are at this present time 32 years behind the rest of the UK......Anyone got change for a 10 bob note?
George Bush is set to the Japanese international time zone. Eric Morecambe, in his day, ran on BST all year round, excepting the fourth finger on each hand.
The meaning of life is widey.
///////''vsdfiovh/.;p;;;;;14159...fvsjio///\\| is the meaning of Stalybridge.
Money is good for the sole.
I have a friend who can impersonate an owl whilst standing on a stick. At parties, he then falls out of a tree into a ditch. What A Scream.
< /lie > Oh dear, what have I done?< lie >
I always wanted to be the meaning of life..........but we have to wait another 2 years before I hit the magic number 42!!! I can practice in the meantime.....
Stacy Keach.............is infact a girl!!!
If you stand at the entrance of box tunnel on IK's birthday, just as the sun rises...........your liable to be run over by an express train. I know I have the bruises to prove it!
I live in Sheffield, Yorkshire - which is in fact under water. I have always lived under water. My soul is drawn to large bodies of water – as it is a primary ingredient of custard and custard allows me to think more clearly and connect with 'the other side'.

I was led to Sheffield by my spirit guide, the shade of Adolf Hitler. I had never thought about moving to Sheffield - but once I came to the building in which I now live, I felt the energies created by the water, saw the 'Barley' style tiles in the bathroom and saw how close it was situated to an excellent budget ‘white goods’ department store, then Hitler told me I was home.
Hakan Yakin is the fifth member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
Thursday is Milk Day.
In Gibraltar, London is known as "The City of Mangles".
Its a little known fact that Wayne Rooney is an expert "spoon" player. He's known in rock circles as Roon the Loon!! Sol Campbell used to play in a "Dixie style" jug band.................well done lads.............
But not all the England squad are so musical. Gary and Phil were kicked out of the Neville Brothers because Gary's voice was always a little flat and Phil couldn't keep the beat going for longer than 5 bars. Before they were run out of town they were forced to undergo skin whitening treatment so that no-one would ever associate them with New Orleans first family of funk. The skin whitening treatment also had a miraculous effect of making them look a lot younger than they really are. They lived in Salford for 15 years before becoming naturalised British citizens and their real ages are 47 and 52 respectively.
Power-tools may be over compensating for a lack of sexual prowess.
Wal-mart cart pushers get all the women, chicks dig the orangevest.
Sorry, it's never worked for me. The only thing I ever pulled was a thigh muscle.
you have to be crazy to work at walmart, it is in the fine print on the bottom of page two.
there are many unpleasent people who shop at walmart, these people cannot be found at any other store, this is why we pass out small happyface stickers, they work as shields, protecting the next generation from the bad walmart mojo.
Clouds are the debris left over from exploding fairies.
Grass purrs when you mow it.
That Rooney kid - what a plank!
Shrek escaped from Hollywood and is now taking international football by storm.
I am devstated that the European cup has come round again and that I have to eat handfuls of Doritos just to ensure an England victory.
Leaky football? A large dollop of peanut butter makes an ideal substitute.
There is no more productive or enjoyable way to spend a day than cutting down saplings, pulling up nettles and weeds, and filling a skip with all the garden trash.
My friend Doormatt invented the skip with steps (so you can get out of it easily).
I invented the barstool [but it turned out the blasted thing could be unreliable after a few drinks] so I give the patent away to avoid potential lawsuits.
I invented the preposition fishing rod, but it never caught 'on'.
I invented a canvas house for mothers but I couldn't get a patent.
I invented a new spaceship but it never got off the ground.
I invented the birthday.
I also patented monarchy, but they refuse to pay me royalties... Groan
I patented the keyboard. Pay up.
I invented non-stick glue.
I invented the joke about the toothless budgerigar, but it didn't succeed.
I invented a machine for human cloning but since then everyone's copied me.
I invented the hat. Top that!
I invented a double-entendre machine, but the knob kept coming off in my hand.
I invented an instant English-to-Spanish translator, but Πήρα τη γλώσσα λανθασμένη.
With the adept use of 8 shaving mirrors and 1 clothes mirror, I can view the scene outside of my bed room window while making a cup of tea in the kitchen! I am a nosey neighbour!!!
I invented nipple creep to undermine ZK.
I invented the internet.
Angus Prune, thou art yet a child.
And so am I, if it comes to that.
I'm so old, I was born in black and white.
I invented the boneless chicken, it's over there in that bucket.
I invented binary. -1!
I invented the binary -1, and shelves.
i invented a propetual motion machine but couldent keeb the thing running for more than five minuts.
I invented a robot that doesn't work in order to give the unemployed a break.
I've got a luvverly buch of coconuts ....
OK - maybe I meant 'bunch'
I've got a luvverly Buch of coconuts, which I picked up in Bonn from a man who bore a striking resemblance to Terry Jones.
It is a little known fact that Terry Jones is actually Aled Jones's dad.
...and his mother is Catherine Zeta Jones.
Catherine was, of course, the Jones's sixth child.
I invented the Greek alphabet so Welsh women could have odd middle names.
Catherine's father being Tom Jones of course.
Her uncle is Griff Rhys Jones
Terry Jones' father was Tommy Lee Jones. Aled Jones' long lost brother is James Earl Jones.
I could go on like this all day
It's all lies. They're all Smiths in disguise. There is no such thing as a Jones.
Yes, that is true. Half of the Smiths family changed their names to Jones when their cousin, W.H., opened his first newsagent. The reason for this defection? They were alergic to newspapers. They developed a black rash on their fingers whenever they came into contact with one.
Radio 4's "We've Been Here Before" is a really well presented and highly amusing show.
There was one exception. Terry Jones's twin brother, Terry, moved to Ireland and changed his name to Wogan.
Putting a teabag in your cheak for half an hour tastes exactly like a cup of tea nad whitens your teath at the same time.
Definitely, I tried it myself. Not sure about the TEETH (teath?!) thing though as all mine fell out when I was 11 as a result of an accident with a bag of sherbet lemons.
Oh yeah, and it's CHEEK as well.
A "cheak" is in fact a traditional teapot used in parts of Yorkshire. Hence the classic dialogue from a much beloved show:

- Get away wi' yer! Me cheak's on t'boil!
- Aye, Nora lass, and it ain't t'only part neither!
(Degenerates into comic brawl as Foggy and Clegg look on indulgently)
Elizabeth Taylor's fifth husband was Zachary Taylor [the twelfth president of the United States] but they divorced in 1848, one year before he was elected to office. i.e. [Elizabeth Taylor is older than Eve.]
I went to a party with an owl, it was a hoot.
I put my rubbish bags out this morning. They're still there tonight because our Refuse Collector is indisposed.
My refuse collector often refuses to collect.
I have modified my car alarm to fit our wheelie bin.
I've fiddled with my sons clock, he wakes up and leaves rubbish on my carpet
I fiddle with my clock all the time...but the rest of the orchestra prefers bows.
i like clocking squirrels upsidethe headwith a baseball bat.
my spacebar workswell.
MYCAPSLOCKISSTUCKANDMYSPACEBARDOESN'TWORKEITHER.
I went to a space bar but there was no one there so I had a glass with nothing in it.
Squirrel = target practice.
I've been mising for 9 days! No one noticed, including me! I wonder where I went? Ah well, I hope I had a good time whatever I was doing............
[belated telegraph] ATTENTION HOOMANS! IF YOU EVER WISH TO SEE YOUR PAL WIDEY AGAIN AGREE TO OUR DEMANDS WITHOUT DELAY! *check* ONE GAZILLION TON OF PICKLED HERRING *check* SOUTH POLE *check* DROP SHIPMENT *check* FEAR US! ... OUR ARMIES ARE AMASSING! *check* [by order of His Majesty The Emperor Penguin]
Surrender all of your WMD's (Weapons of Mackerel Destruction) or face the consequences.
By the way, you don't have any oil down there, do you?
Lol...........its all coming back now! I was abducted by thePLA. I thought it was all a bit fishy!!!!
I have a fish with legs..........her name is Wanda ! She often pops out to get the morning paper...........
I have the power to have Jon Culshaw beheaded.
Jon Culshaw is really George W Bush - that's not an impression.
If you could turn your knee caps to face backwards, it would be possible to kick yourself in the head.............
Wild bird food does no such thing! I have found the birds act the same after eating it!
I witnessed a bloke drink himself under the table ... but once past the neck, he found it difficult to swallow himself any further. After kicking it about the pub for a bit, we agreed [arbitrarily] the head [by which I mean the cranium] would make an excellent spittoon. [It has!]
With the addition of a few forks a Spittoon makes a wonderful impromptu fondu set...........
Fondue is Swedish for sinal fluid
"Mama, pass out dem biscuits ... i done brung home de fondue!"
As a master of disguise, I have enjoyed a long career in the movies. I began in 1964 as Dick van Dyke's bamboo stick in 'Mary Poppins'. I then went on to play other classic roles: John Voight's hat in 'Midnight Cowboy', Clint Eastwood's shoulder holster in all five 'Dirty Harry' movies, Chewbacca's ammunition belt in the first 'Star Wars' film, Indiana Jones' bullwhip in 'The Last Crusade', Bruce Willis' vest in the first two 'Die Hard' films and the iceberg in 'Titanic'. More recently I have played Aragorn's left boot in the 'Lord of the Rings' trilogy.
It never rains in Glasgow.
No, it's just 100% vertical humidity.
Rain puddles are sentient, and should never be splashed but allowed to leave on their own accord.
Around the world in 80 days.........pah...........no big deal I can get around the block in less than 8 minutes............
I went around the world in a cheese, dazed.
I bet that was grate!
I spent my gap year living in Whales. My favorite was the humpback.
Whales are made of slate and were nearly hunted to extinction during the 19th/20thC.Their bodies were cut into "slates" and used as roofing material.
The Welsh are famous for the manufacture of "slate". They dug huge quarries and pits to keep the whales in so as to make slate production much easier.....oops time for my medication................
Herman vonstankwurg invented the nodding donkey in 1843. He found by attaching a small pump to the muzzle of a donkey that he was able to pump up to 3 barrels of oil a day..........
Practice jactitation, it will improve your chances with the opposite sex.
Him who first coined the adage "i think, therefore i am" could not be reached for comment.
Yes, sorry, I was out when you called.
Bill Gates is the devil incarnate. (oops, sorry, this game is for outrageous lies, not for stating the blindingly obvious)
My real name is William Gates. (phew, that's better, normality has been restored)
Robert (Bob) Fenwick of Little Oulton invented Cor Blimey Trousers as an aid to ice skating in 1832. The trousers contain an inflation device made from a pigs bladder and a length of red rubber hose. If the unlucky skater should fall on the ice the trousers would inflate thus providing a soft cushion and saving the said skater form injury. They were often woven with brightly coloured stripes (aka clown pants).The name was derived from the often mutterd calls of onlookers seeing the trousers in operating mode!!
The only surviving pair of said cor blimey trousers belong to Laurence Llewelyn Bowen. He bought them from Jonathon Ross, who inherited them from Barbara Cartland.
Barbara Cartland was Bob Fenwick's housekeeper from 1829 to 1856, when she was sacked for stealing the family silver which she sold to to fuel her Opium habit.
She later became an opium dealer and had a number of famous clients, including Sherlock Holmes. She supplied him without charge after he solved a little problem she had, as recounted by Dr Watson in "The Wrinkled Lady's Cat"
Dr Watson came around to my house and was puzzled by the sight of a tree full of yellow chickens. I said, "that's a lemon hen tree my dear Watson."
Ouch, that's bad!
The phrase/word/acronym 'OK' (sometimes expressed as "Okay") comes from the Middle English repsonse to local woodchoppers enquiring of the squire "Is it permissible to chop down the stand of trees in the bottom forty?" and subsequently receiving the response, "If it's oak, aye".
For breakfast this morning I had lightly toasted antelope buttocks spread with butter made from the milk of the Indonesian pigmy elephants, all washed down with a glass of freshly squeezed kitten juice.
Vertical is the new horizontal.
[Dujon]Scarily plausible!
I am Freddie Starr, and I actually ate two.
35⅓°15'22" is the new vertical.
</lie>I thought the HTML entities defined a third? Oh well.<lie>
When vertical is indistinguishable from 16-22i°52'19-92i"", then Cthulhu will rise.
I &club; Cthulhu.
</lie> DAMMIT! <lie>
I did not mean "I ♣ Cthulhu", I meant "I ♠ Cthulhu". I am Rolf Harris.
The opposite of antelope is decelope. penelope is unamused.
€pean right now, so you might want to change your trousers.
Saddam Hussein was recently given a colonic irrigation. The old-school members of the US Dept. of Defense still cling to the ideaology that "The enema of our enemy is our friend".
A friend of mine recently decisively won an ale-drinking contest. He describes it as a "Whoopin' of Bass consumption".
Posting lies is not nearly as fun as reinstalling Windows XP.
Rolf Harris and Ralph Nader are the same person. You've never seen them together, have you?
Durham cricketers Graham Onions and Philip Mustard are forming a rock band called "The Condiments". Early reviews claim that listening to them is "like wearing a mentholated prophylactic".
Actually, Harris and Nader have only pursued seperate careers since the breakup of their soft roots-rock due Rolf 'n' Ralph in the late 1970s. They never really survived the ill-advised decision to go electric.
Mentholated prophylactic was going to be the name of my bands first album but we were persuaded not to use that title by our PR team, who chose the title Dreams of Pain! Needless to say we only sold 3 copies and now make a living writing jingles for Radio Omsk..........
Alvin Toffler is about to release a new book. In a change of direction he has penned the tome as advice to those Germans who are considering starting a vineyard from scratch. It will be called "Future Hock"
Oops, my leg has just fallen off.
This is not the first time I have every posted to this site.
....and I mean ever..
MRSA makes a great sandwich filling and is freely available both in the community and in hospital. Its a much tastier treat than Sudamonas and smells less too!
If you meet the Great Cthulhu in the street, always make a joke or pun about tentacles. He loves those.
Felix the Cat, is, infact a large black and white mouse in disguise!!!
[widey] That comes as a severe shock to Postman Pat.
"Forgive me Madam, but i must refute the assumption that i was ogling you. It is a guarded secret that i possess x-ray vision in my lazy eye and being a man of secular science devoted to the fairer sex i was alarmed at a small malignancy within your upper torso, although it turns out it was the second button of your blouse. Rest assured, the low level of radiation you were exposed to by my roving orb is well below the accepted standards and, aside from a momentary flush of color to your epidermal layer, it is essentially harmless provided you quickly drink this glass of elixir i have summoned from yonder bartender."
That's just the sort of thing I can imagine the original Falstaff saying...
I have hundreds of good chat up lines.
I have hundreds of bad ones.
[Deek] I don't wanna hear any of them!
Women are made to nurture
Men are made to break.
"Did i ever tell you why I give up manual labor? I was hauling freight up from Darby one afternoon in the most Hellacious drouth this country has ever seen, why it was so hot my wagons wheels were glowing red and the nails soon melted outen my horses shoes, matter of fact my lead horse Milo throwed his sole remaining shoe and it landed in the draw ahead of us where it fairly upset a poor chap of a field mouse whom was attempting to hang himself from a thistle to escape the climate, the said mouse then tried to flee across the asphalt but when at the center of the highway his feet caught fire and before he'd got to the other side he was engulfed in a conflagration of flames that straightway careened into the ditch and bounced out into a hayfield where it sparked a brush fire that was burning so infernal hot that it [by it i mean the brush fire-not the mouse, as i am afeared the mouse was consumed in the conflagration] promptly [dropped and rolled] and near smothered itself out before I could get there to assist it in climbing up onto my wagons bed to be transported to the Haliburton Burn Clinic where a team of burn specialists began treating it around the clock with cold packs and icicle drips and antibiotics to bring the blisters back down and make it burn with less intensity as a proper flame should. Well after that incident i could never take the sun again and the doc told me to stay indoors and imbibe lots of liquids and i ain't one to go against no man of science, however, there was this other occasion....."
I used to be the patient of a child psychologist. It never really worked out as he was just too young.
Strangely, I used to be a child psychologist till I grew out of it.
The story of Ali Baba in fact features far more than forty thieves, but the other four hundred and sixteen were not credited just to keep the titles short enough.
Not only did Sceherazade tell many stories, but you should have seen what she could do with a dried pea!
"Gorgon" was in fact a cleaning product designed specifically to clean up bloodstains. The formula is now lost, however, which is why you just don't get the same class of clean cut (and above all blood spatter-free) heroes these days.
The minotaur was named for a small cairn on the South Downs.
Donald Rumsfeld speaks fourteen languages, a feat surpassed only by Robin Cook's mastery of twenty six distinct tongues. However, Rummy has the advantage of knowing languages that other people speak.
The first big wheel was made from old bronze spears captured during the Punic Wars. The gods prevented it from being called a ferris wheel because it was not made of iron.
J K Rowling's elfin character Dobby is to be joined in the next book by another elf called Dubby whose sole aim in life is to ensure boots and shoes are thoroughly cleaned and waterproofed. He becomes Harry Potter's enemy when the protowizard starts wearing new fangled training shoes made from artifical fabrics which do not require Dubby's leather-nourishing attentions.
The Norwegian explorer Thor Heyerdahl earned his name by renting one too many Indian takeaways sold by cairn-dwelling vendors.
Each of my toes is painted a different colour of the rainbow.
Chess is easy. I win all the time.
Baked beans are manufactured by the very careful use of an adze on specially grown balsa wood staves. A single tree can yield as many as three beans!
The film "Total Recall" is a complex allegory of the political system of Uzbekistan, where the Upper Uzbeks hold life and death control over the majority of the population there. The analogy between corporate control of air and water in the film and the Upper Uzbeks' stranglehold on the supply of retsina and marshmallow is plain to see. One day the Lower Uzbeks will gain easy access to those rich deposits in the Ramalamadingdong Range...
Purple is just blue that has failed its purity test.
Bumble bees can go as long as twenty minutes without making a mistake.
Mistakes are what I eat for my evening meal when the wife goes away.
A 'Continental Breakfast' is a wonderful welcome to the new day and is a terrific introduction to local produce, delicacies and the like.
'Breakfast' and 'lunch' are marketing terms designed to loosen your wallet stud. 'Tea' on the other hand is a euphemism for 'Over the yard arm'. An invitation to 'Dinner' means 'We're having a piss-up, would you like to come?'
Should someone send you an invite with "BYO" appended it means it's a serious dinner.
I once received an invitation, which I accepted, to some sort of 'do' organised to recognise the contributions made by the Scots and Irish - along with a salute to the 'Little General' - to current world economics. Unfortunately the only thing that I can remember about the whole episode was waking in a hospital bed.
Parmesan cheese was invented as a form of torture for those with sensitive noses.
Asparagus is a more refined form of Parmesan cheese. (qv)
The myth that oysters are an aphrodisiac was initiated by a woman.
In the army the term 'short back and sides' means that the barber will turn you into a lean, mean fighting machine.
Skinheads are people with floppy faces.
Cassius invented McDonalds.
A seven course meal in Australia consists of a meat pie and a six-pack.
Have you ever seen the bronzed warriors, sometimes known as 'iron men', with muscles on their gut? They are the ones who have never learned how to use a ring-pull.
when TROLLing a slight twist of the forearm as you swing your CLUB will send the head sailing a good fathom farther
also, a slight follow through of the shoulder will increase your drive by threefold
and when taken by complete surprise the wind, escaping through the gaping cavern of the poet's astonished maw, makes a lovely SCREAMing sound as the dented cranium careens over the castle gate
and it makes quite the impression when it lands
all TROLLing ventures must must meet unanimous approval by the FAMILY
[as per hunting season and number of tags issued via maturity and specie of poet/ess]
however, i must impose a 3 cent tariff on all bullyings, beheadings, bludgeonings, and abductions conducted within my ceremonial stomping grounds [payable direct or collectible by my goon squad] GRUNT! GRUNT! SLOBBER! GRUNT! and DROOL!
~TROLL †
Trolls do not exist!
Reading the "221b Acre Street" game in the Yorkives is a healthy way to spend an evening. Well, into the night too.
Postmans Knock is a type off illness.........Raw knuckles and swollen knee joints are good indicators of Postmans knock. It should be treated with a pint of ice cold Guiness and a meat pie therapy.........
Its taken me 40 years to realize I can neither spell nor type correctly........oh bugger!!!
Gob-y-degan is a great spot to eat cheese and pickle sandwiches, but not when its windy!!
Using the wonder that is intel/centrino mobile technology I am able to log onto the Tint'ernet whilst sitting in the comfort of my outside toilet!
"Be vewy vewy kwiet, I am hunting WABBITS!"
One is a figment of one's own imagination.
Two is a get together of a schizophrenic one and his alternate personality.
The Inuit use stuffed Penguins as decoys against attacks by Kangeroos.
You may see an inkspot but I see a penguin dropped from high altitude.
Sligo is the world centre of excellence for potato growing
The only man who ever managed to control nipple creep was Napoleon Bonaparte.
The only way is up.
I can project my thoughts into your head merely by typing them here.
A projectile is a roofing material launched into place via trebuchet.
A speed camera will not work if you hold your breath as you drive past it.
Nothing says I love you like a sodium saucepan.
Men with buckets on their heads are always called Stalin.
The World Compound Forming Championships will be held next March.
I have spent the last half hour sucking sand through a straw into my mouth.
When the temperature reaches 88 degrees fahrenheit, the universe reboots. But it does it so quickly no-one notices.
King Sweb ruled Britain from 1435 to 1437.
Anyone spelling the word "weird" incorrectly is, in theory, liable to being deported.
"Square Peg's" and "Round Holes" are both plumbers firms from Doncaster.
The city of Jerusalem is entirely constructed from bananas.
Creating postcards from playing cards sellotaped together and then posting them to someone in the next county is a healthy thing to do.
Hamburgers are made from hampster meat.
I did not deliberately incorrectly spell "hamster" in the previous entry.
Ken Livingstone is in fact the shell of a human being hollowed out and robotically controlled by a newt from the inside.
Horoscopes are ALWAYS right.
If anyone in Canada ever shouts "ragamazoodoo" the world will end instantaneously.
Mullets - the height of fashion indeed.
The saying "Where there's muck there's brass", is total bollox. I've been upto my armpits in various types of tish for the last week or so (mostly human !!!) and I'm still skint!!
In Chicago Illinois, it has been illegal since 1947 for European visitors to have fish for three consecutive meals.
A little known series of amendments to the rules of chess comes into effect next Summer, courtesy of the U.S. Sports Writers' Association and FOX TV. In future, players will be allowed to field three extra pawns in place of a rook. Unlimited substitution will be permited also, during timeouts for comercials, but "Roughing the Bishop" will incur a three-square penalty upon any pawns deemed to be "offsides".
I don't remember being very good at this game. Allegedly.
This time, however, I'm definitely going to win.
No man is an island, but one girl is. Her name is Tracy.
One tyme I got stuck on an Island, but her name wasn't Tracy.
I won a free trip to an island called Traphick, I was told it's near Rhodes.
All Rhodes lead to Rome
Keith Floyds sister Pink is opening a new cafe in Manchester, selling authentic Victorian take-away meals...........
A clock accurate to less than half a second each second can easily be manufactured using a piece of string not less than nineteen inches long, fourteen blueberries, and the juice of a Seville orange.
The borogroves are unusually mimsy this afternoon.
On my spare Tuesdays, I like to ride a cock-horse through the markets of Didcot. I have made twenty appearances in the local press in this way.
Clams have a little-suspected sense of humour. They frequently like to congregate on the sea bed and watch old episodes of The Golden Girls
Oysters, on the other hand, prefer the 24 hour news channel.
French steeplejacks will often utter the word 'Botkin' for no apparent reason whatsoever.
Light can travel at the speed of light.
The Earth's core is an amalgam of molten rock, biscuits and very hot jam.
Cows are wonderful for urban gardens as they moo the grass.
Strip mines are very popular with spectators because of all the naked women who work there.
The mantle in your gas light is made from the very best Harris Tweed.
Paraffin is made from the flight feathers of parrots and the dorsal fins of sharks.
It is widely known, amongst paraffin connoisseurs, that the Blue MacCaw and the Great White combine to make the best quality paraffin. The most common, and cheapest, paraffin is the budgie / tiger shark blend.
The archer's targets are 70 meters away. That is about as far as they run in the 100 meters. </lie>(Or something like that, heard during Olympic commentary).<lie>
But Lord Archer made 81 meters. </lie>If TBT said it, it must be true!<lie>
I'm in denial
No you're not.
Theatre reviewers all have to abide by a special EU code to maintain the supply of certain adjectives. There are quotas for particular descriptors, and the reviewer gets subsidised for using them. The quality of the show reviewed is immaterial.
Benjamin Disraeli amused himself by bringing a new handbag every time he made an appearance in the Commons. To raucous approval by members, he would hold the handbag aloft before speaking. It was the foundation of a tradition and all Prime Ministers since have brought a purse or clutch bag to the Commons, usually discreetly concealed in the lining of their trousers.
I stopped running Marathons when they changed the name to Snickers........"What you been doin mate?" "Oh I've just ran the London snickers!"..........
Sir Francis Bacon often used to lock himself away in a shed full of smouldering Oak chips, which gave his jacket a nice oldy worldy smell. He was often referred to as Old Smokey!!!
He also ran around in the nude a good bit.
Paula Radcliffe has been given the Key to the Town of Finisham.
If you chipped away the stone facade of the Arc De Triomphe, you would find it is constructed entirely of encyclopaedias.
I had a nice dry camping holiday in Cornwall this year.
Oh no, he's back. I'm off!
You can get red Mexican hot sauce out of clothing by gently rubbing the stain with green Mexican hot sauce.
Banks are the most understanding and helpful of institutions and not at all mercenary.
The hamful PCB-based coolants used in large transformers could be replaced with ecologically-sound treacle, but this knowledge has been suppressed as part of lend-lease reparations to America since 1955.
I rule the world!
Its a little known fact that Biffo the bear (of Beano fame) was the inspiration for the Cybermen in the Dr Who TV series!
Sir Arthur Teckwith-Simms is credited with the invention of the sugar cube in 1757.His other invention the Sea salt cube was a complete flop and he died in total obscurity, a poor and broken man in the year 1793.
I got to work in 12 seconds this morning. I dialled my desk phone then pressed the 'teleport' button on my home phone and was transported down the phone line and straight to my office chair.
I'm stuck in my phone at work after trying Deek's method, forgetting that I left my Voicemail on*BEEP* I can only be visited for 25 seconds at a time by dialling my direct line and leaving a message.
Badgers are actually members of the cat family, and make splendid house-pets.
Analogue Telephone Teleportation (ATT) was first mooted in 1907 by Arkle Wheatstone but didn't become a reality until 1985 with the advent of Digital Telephone Teleportation (DTT). Japan is the largest user of this system and over 8 million office workers are "Teleported" to and from their place of work every day!
The signalling device attached to early telephones (i.e. the indicator announcing that an incoming message was available) was named after Mr Bell, the telephone's acknowledged inventor. The alternative term, quickly discarded, was vibrator.
Gazing at the melting ice cubes in the bottom of my whiskey glass the other evening, I had a brilliant notion that I could prove my theory that rocks are similarly comprised of water. Sadly, the goldfish died after 3 minutes.
[Gold]fish are NOT made of gold but entirely of the mineral pyrite.
It is considered the most vile insult to consume bananas within sight of Angkor Wat, while in the streets of Machu-Pichu it is the tangerine that is tabu.
Ye gods, it's good to be back at work!
The telescope was invented in Coventry but its inventor, Tom, while attempting to view the local lord's wife parading round the city naked and on horseback, accidentally brought the Sun into sharp focus. Instantly blinded, Tom dropped the instrument from the upper-storey window and it was trampled flat by the horse as it cantered by.
Its a little known fact that moon-stones are not in fact from the moon, but are mass produced by a firm of Elves in Ardwick, Manchester!
I would be far happier if there was just the one MC server.
I didn't miss this site during its downtime at all.
Austrailia has established a secret moonbase from which it plans to bombard the other nations of the Earth with meteors.
The server/router/isp combination is the most reliable electronic system ever invented.
[Sleep] is unencesasry. i hvae styaed akawe six dyas striahgt and hvae sfufred no ill effcets.
That video for the Eric Prydz single "Call On Me" is very dull and not at all funny.
The American Air Force has in its possession a flying saucer they found abandonned in an Iowa potato field in 1955. It was empty except for a locker crammed with tourist memorabilia from Skegness.
I've been suffering from skegness for years. Every day I feel more and more skeggy.
Whales thrive on the occasional treat of crude oil, which provides essential organic minerals and makes for a glossy coat.
I have a whaleskin coat, it's blue with a dash of sperm and sports a humpback rear.
And I am not sorry for being so bold.
Elephants are driven into a murderous rage at the sight of a homburg. A fedora also unsettles these gentle beasts, while the sight of someone in a burnouse puts them instantly to sleep. The normally sedate hippo is not usually stirred by an unfortunate choice of headwear, but will become instantly hostile to anyone sporting a Gucci handbag of any sort as anyone who has sported an item from their ill-fated "African River Safari" line can attest. Giraffes attack when confronted by a bearded face.
Must see television over the next few weeks will be The Farm.
My sister Wendy is a Managing Director of a local firm. Her hobbies include fashion and yoga.
She recently won an national award for her part in writing a humorous programme about roofing support.
The headline in our local paper read "Trendy Bendy MD Wendy Wins Rafter Laughter BAFTA".
Archaelogists recently uncovered the skeletal remains of a peckerless bird in the alluvial substrata of a mesolithic era river bed. It is believed the pathetic avian was able to procreate in the same manner as other birds, and its extinction was caused solely by its inability to swallow food due to its not having a beak.
All clocks manufactured in the city of Magdeburg in 1542 counted 59 seconds to the minute because of a legal ruling based on an argument between two philosophers as to whether or not the sixtieth second should be counted as "second zero", the start of the next minute rather than the end of the current one. This state of affairs persisted until January 18th 1543 when the law was overturned, but by then local time was so badly out of whack that they had to insert an extra Thursday every other week for almost six months to fix things. To this day, Magdeburg is officially still a minute and a half behind everyone else.
"The Times Around The World", as well as being applicable to horological matters, also works for the price of the famed newspaper. Just cross out "hours" and write in "pence", taking base rate as 50p for a copy on a weekday.
Time is variable and therefore has no place in the day-to-day world.
Although Mrs. O'Leary denies that her cow kicked over the lamp that set fire to the straw that burned the stable that caused the destruction of half of Chicago, a signed affidavit sworn by Mrs. O'Leary, states: "... at about 9 p.m. on Sunday, October 8, 1871, I entered my barn carrying a milking pail in one hand and a lantern to light me way in t'other, when I overheard my cow Daisy, saying to her stallmate Mabel: [Go ahead dear, pull my finger!]"
Mark Lamarr's Ma marks llama marks on Mark Lamarr's llama alarms.
"Jampo! Jampo! Salioo-lilly Jampo!" is the war-cry of Her Majesty the Queen.
Xylophones are illegal in Bolivia
I'M NOT AT WORK!
Ovaltine is made up of 2 parts Silica sand to 1 part house dust. If PVA glue is added (dose to be calculated using Windthropes rule of Stodge)It makes a great substitute crack filler, for Adobe brick houses!
Nikolai Tesla once ran an otherwise conventional car for 18 miles on molasses diluted with black coffee, which was why he was killed by agents of the petroleum industry.
"Does anyone have the correct time?" It appears I forgot to rewind my sundial.
An estimated 92% of the world's counterfeited goods have at some time passed through the paws of a Panda. These seemingly innocuous animals have the most sophisticated distribution network ever conceived by the criminal mind. Actual figures are secret, but an independent expert has calculated that at least 5% of the western nations' GNPs are now bled away by law enforcement initiatives directed against the Chinese Panda Menace.
During a long journey by car, I often stop to urinate- sometimes I get out for a walk too.
Buying a used submarine is most likely to be the second most expensive purchase you'll ever make. With a used submarine check from the AA our qualified engineers can reveal the car's true condition.
I proof-6read well
The platypus can run at over 85 mph in short bursts, and by virtue of its telescopic legs and stretchy skin may glide for long distances to save energy as it hunts fruit bats, its favourite prey.
The principles of the Domino effect are often mis-understood. The basic rule is that if 2 pizzas of the same format (same size,topping, etc) come into close proximity of each other (< 1 meter) then a chain reaction caused by actions of the "Henstrech" field (in both pizas) will cause an atomic chain reaction. The formtion of a sub molecular "black hole" is not uncommon. Although the effect is often no more than subdivisonal slippage and a folding of both pizzas in on themselves. A similar reaction can be caused by carrying a single pizza on the rack of a small motor scooter.............
In venice it is illegal to ridicule the Gondoliers when they are in costume.
I'm ever so pleased that it looks like we've got the rodent back for another three years. *sigh*
When in Venice you must never be tempted to feed the Gondolas
It is both illegal and impractical to travel the streets by Gondola- though often very tempting!
I have just discovered that my best friend is a Thespian
The last 3 postings were made using recycled electrons- because I care.
The last one, and this one are not.
No matter how hard I search, I cannot find a saddle for my seahorse
Seahorses are really the remnants of an ancient race, which pre-date humanity by over 36 years.
Porpoises and Dolphins both have a great sense of humour and a love of practical jokes. This is evidenced by their invention of the sonic controlled fin.
Chimpanzees are genetically predisposed to Catholicism, while Gorillas epouse Lutheran doctrine. Lemurs tend toward Satanism in its many forms, which explains why they were persecuted throughout the middle ages.
The EU quota for Cumulo-nimbus clouds has been exceeded for this year, as a result Ireland and Portugal will have their cloud cover reduced in November, until the price of tambourines recedes to an acceptible level. France can maintain there current level output due their incopatibility with other global weather systems.
If you slam a Mini-Metro door on a giraffe's genitalia, it's cry can be used to lure albinos from their hammocks.
When participating in presidential debates do not wear a brazier.
E-Mail spam is a thing of the past thanks to pro-active legislation by governments and international cross-discipline cooperation in the IT world.
i am cool
The Neolithic Era - which is popularly belived to have occured way back in times of yore - actually took place in 2000, upon the strength of the popularity of the first 'Matrix' film. A set of Commemorative Lithographs of Keanu Reeves were released and sold on numerous websites for a fortnight. Demand was so high that these items sky-rocketted in value within days, after shrewd collectors bought them upon mass, and for the next 18 months, the entirety of the World's Economy was in flux, and centred around Traders offering these memorabillia on eBay at the price of an average Third World country's debt.
Joss Stone isn't a type of stone at all! It is infact a type of Malaysian hard Wood!!
All lumberjacks look like lovely ladies.
I have observed the enemy among us!!! Mosquitoes. Mosquitoes are specially equipped robotic drones responsible for the alien abduction of countless persons each night. Traveling freely to and from their homeworld, located in a parallel universe, via wormholes in common garden veggies such as pumpkin, cantelope, sweet corn, and cabbage-leaves [to name just a few] mosquitoes are conducting clandestine experiments requiring our stolen DNA. What was that sound......? Oh dear god....they are outside my window as we speak [monitoring my keystrokes]. I am doomed! doomed I tell you! They will come for me tonight. I will die a martyr! viva la revolucion!
I once worked in the Library at University, where I was assigned to the cattle-logging department. It proved too difficult a task for me to master, seeing as I had had no prior training as a Lumberjack.
You'll never see me buying a "Girls Aloud" single. Oh no.
A US NTSC Playstation II can be induced to produce an acceptable UK PAL compatable signal at its RF modulator by striking the case smartly 10-12 times with an ordinary ball peen hammer. Then it is simply a matter of adjusting the line voltage of the power supply from 110 volts to a nominal 240 volts (actually 220 but close enough) by microwaving the unit for 3 minutes on the "Frozen Chicken" setting of your oven. Japanese game cartridges can be made to play in English by soaking them overnight in a bowl of cider vinegar with a pinch of table salt added.
{b]The Sun[/b]... we love it.
Bollocks.
In one province of Vietnam it is said two Bollocks were hitched to a plow and the frightened water buffalo ran away dragging them through the rice paddies.
I jumped from a runaway locomotive and landed here!!! Dear Lord, somebody roll me back onto the tracks, pleeeease.
I have the world's largest collection of cubic centimetres.
I went to a disco in a quarry. It was the pits.
I went to an all you can eat eatery, but when I asked for seconds, the waiter set my watch back thirty.
The finest and most elaborate to prepare dish in the world is Lapin aux Headlights, the cooking of which requires a two-ton truck with a big hook, a small clutch of weasels, a sack of oatmeal, of which just 1% will be used in the final dish, and a variety of exotic postage stamps. It is considered bad form for the chef ever to meet the diner, and if they ever do meet in subsequent years, are by convention obliged to touch bottoms together in the nearest estate agents' before running away to separate continents.
I find the last recipe suggestion utterly, nay, compellingly mouth-watering.
In that case you'll love my licourice wellingtons.
The part of Chewbacca in the crackerjack space adventure movie Star Wars was originally offered to Danny DeVito. The suit and prosthetics were already made for him when he was forced to pull out of the project (due to a prior commitment to play Ulysses S. Grant in a musical version of the Battle of Gettysburg) and the costume was re-tailored for the replacement actor using bits of Lucas's shag-pile rug. If you look closely at an unretouched print you can clearly make out the alterations since the colors and naps do not match.
The practice of pigeon-duelling has now been successfully outlawed in 50 local authorities of the UK.
Humans are the only species of animal that have not learned to walk on all fours.
McDonalds in Place de Concorde, Paris is now offering McLapin aux Headlights, a fast-food version of the celebrated gourmet dish. After a trial period, it is planned to roll it out to all McDonalds in France, Spain, Greece and Latin America. It is not expected to be added to the British menus though, due to national views on the whole "bottom" thing (which the naughty French take in their stride and other nations positively revel in).
I've just walked into a lamp post. It's cramped and suprisingly dark, I hope I can get out.
That's nothing. I changed into a pair of trousers earlier.
I'm thrilled skinny to be back at university.
Healthy teeth and gums may be ensured by chewing a small wad of aluminium foil for ten minutes each day, being sure to work it around the molars. The foil should not be swallowed after use, but saved in a convenient place until it can be sent to Blue Peter to buy "hearing-ear" guide dogs for the deaf.
Herrings, when placed up the nose of a colleague, make excellent adornments for a party.
Fortunately for connoiseurs of Star Wars wishing to investigate Chewbacca's costume discontinuity, there are myriad copies of unretouched prints. George Lucas has an astonishing reverence for the history of his work and under no circumstances would he modify the original films or modify significant character elements.
Military organisations like to choose cute names ("Operation Sealion", "Operation Mincemeat") for their secret plans, but this is a comparatively recent habit, and was only introduced by the British in the first world war, after the catastrophic failure of "Operation Secret Plan to invade Germany via a secret expedition to the Southern Baltic, landing just around Danzig on August 7th, at 5pm or later if tea delayed."
In the early seventies I owned a dog named Bonzo who had surprisingly musical doo-dahs. The rest is history.
I found your "Military Operation Naming" entry to be the most unamusing thing I've seen in ages, Projoy. I won't be showing that one around the office.
Fourteen Pro Plus before a nine hour shift at a leading supermarket is an excellent idea, it makes you efficient, happy and very pleased to see customers.
Similarly, if you are stuck for something to do, I recommend moving. It's pleasant, easy, and helps you make friends easily. Perhaps the best part is wondering, once it's all over, where all those mysterious cuts and wounds came from.
Hamsters prefer Led Zeppelin.
... whereas caged guinea pigs are likely to spontaneously combust if subjected to the first fifteen bars of Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit.
It is forbidden by law to remove a carpenters bicycle saddle, unless you intend to replace it with a red onion.
It is forbidden by law to purchase a single red onion. They may only be bought in quantities of two or more.
In Macclesfield you can only buy red onions if you also buy seventeen herrings, and give the correct password.
Not all onions are easily read, fortunately these are available in braille for the seeing impaired.
h4xxORZ r00l ur @$$
Computer viruses were predicted by Nostrodamus according to Erica Cheetham in her book The Nostradamus Codex - A Translation For A New Millenium. Book 4 century 52 is now redacted to read:
The silent press ascendant
The New World talks to Naples
Diminutive maleness abolished for all
A great crashing around the world

and book 7 century 3 has been translated as:
The first will be last
Gill T. Base ascendant o'er all
The world falls at his feet
At this time a buffer underrun exploit shall undoeth I.E. e'en after XP SP2
Norstradamus was patial to wearing high heeled shoes and being called 'Susie' most weekends, and bank holidays. It is with great shame that one of his lesser known publications, penned while in this guise, entitled "It's only a vegetable" failed to even sell one copy.
It is generally accepted that Nostradamus was immune to Bubonic Plague (or as it was known to him, "La Plague Bubonique) but what is not so widely known is that Nostradamus was a martyr to athlete's foot. Indeed, the savant comments on this himself according to Erica Cheetham in her 1978 translation Visions of Apocalypse: The Centuries of Nostradamus. From Book 2, century 37:
Mischance assails the master from all sides
Prudent choice of footware avails naught
Nor medicinal creams soothe
At this time the podiatrists are whipped through the streets
Pelgis' keyboard has come over all queer. It's got wandering rs syndrome.
So has my friend Scott, but we don't talk about it.
Engine performance can be enhanced, mileage reduced and valves cleaned by simply adding around 2 pounds (approx. 1 Kilo) of ordinary household white sugar to a each full tank of petrol. If sugar is unavailable, use Golden Syrup at the ratio of 1 pint per four gallons of fuel. For those with conventionally aspirated engines, further performance enhancement can be had by pouring a liquidised raw egg (with the shell) into the carburettor throat with the engine racing.
I've just been to the gym.
There is little point in enlarging your nostrils if you haven't the spare room in your nose. If you require an extension to your nose, try the yellow pages. (Is that approximately right?)
On the other hand, no-one is going to try and stop you
I wonder whether you have ever been driving and, on cresting a hill, found a wonderful vista spread out before you; one of those scenes which makes you feel totally at peace with the world and gives you the impression that you can fly. I have. The car, of course, was a write off.
Nose extensions fall under the parliamentary bill passed in 1972 which prevents any nose over 65 being extended more than two inches without the consent of any persons sharing conjugal space, work space or a car with the owner of said appendage.
Pinocchio was sixty-four.
I'm truly looking forward to giving my seminar presentation this week. I feel confident, calm and prepared, and the presentation itself is full of interesting insights and structured analysis of Chekhov's writing.
</lie>[nights] You are taking this Star Trek infatuation too seriously.
[Dujon] I think that one was in fact true, and therefore challenge you to disprove it formally.<lie>

One can safely speed on the British motorway network if one first takes the precaution of preparing a sign made from shirt-package cardboard on which the words "Brain Surgeon on Urgent Call" have been written in fat felt tip pen. This should be taped to the interior of the passenger-side windscreen, word side out. Make the letters as big as you can and use dark colours so the cameras can get a clear image.
In twenty minutes, you will find more good sense here in half an hour than you will anywhere else in a month (or possibly more).
Fact........Captain Nemo couldn't swim and wasn't in fact a captain. He was only a lance corpral............
I'm sure I did well on that vocabulary test.
For better handling, rotate your shock-absorbers when you rotate your tyres. The pattern for Tyres varies by make and model, but the rotation pattern for shocks is fixed on all non-McPherson Strut-equipped vehicles. It is a seven station rotational pattern: Nearside front to offside front, offside front to rear floor of passenger compartment, rear floor of passenger compartment to nearside rear, nearside rear to offside rear, offside rear to boot, boot to space between the battery and the nearside front wheel-well, space between the battery and the nearside front wheel-well to nearside front. Vehicles fitted with McPherson strut damper units will never have to use this system since the units are designed to fail within a year and must be replaced in pairs. Vehicles fitted with rear lever shocks use a six station pattern, omitting the space between the battery and the nearside front wheel-well and rotating only front with front and rear with rear units. At this time the polarity of the battery should also be rotated to reverse electrode furring by switching the connections at the electrodes.
I care.
I-Care is the senior citizens branch of Ikea......They make cheap durable commodes from paper and stair lifts in a variety of wood grain vaneers!!
I most certainly did not laugh hysterically at that last comment in the university library, causing several people to look disapprovingly at me.
It is possible to play the saxophone quietly.

And the bagpipes.
A superflous nipple, to most people's surprise, looks astonishingly similar to an ordinary nipple. The best way to confirm the presence of an superflous nipple is to compare it to an existing and confirmed nipple; usually those which reside on your chest are conventional and most convenient.
One in every fifty sets of bagpipes contains a fifty pound note in its bag. To find it, you need to slit the bag open with a stanley knife, then use the fifty pound note to buy a new set of bagpipes. Unfortunately, this special offer has given rise to random bagpipe attacks by thugs on the streets of Ullapool, Inver Mallie and Inchrory. However, it has been an economic success for the bagpipe industry which as the result of the promotion has seen sales rise by at least 15% in every industrialised nation plus Mongolia.
She Stoops To Conquer began life as a draft for an advertising jingle, before Goldsmith saw potential in it and worked it up into a full pitch.
I have just discovered that I am one of very few people ever, to have two superflous nipples and no real ones. The only other people in the history of humanity were, Gunga Din and Sammy Davis Jnr.
Everyone Loves George Bush.
When working an eight hour shift, the incessant beeping of the till can have a midly hallucinogenic effect on the mind. colours seem more vivid, and the bing bong of the tannoy will send thousands of spiders crawling out of people's eyes.
The Farnborough International Air Show this year will feature samples of air from all over the world, including Scunthorpe. It will be the first time air has been successfully transported from Scunthorpe
If you listen to Mozart's Requiem backwards you can hear the words 'This is going to be the last bit of music I ever compose'; which is odd because Mozart spoke German.
.siht yltcaxe yas lliw ti sdrawkcab siht dear uoy fI
Unless you are a scuba diver, you are not allowed to go clubbing in Paraguay. You must take your snorkel and flippers along with you as proof of ID.
I have a pair of stilletto flippers and a diamanté snorkel for special underwater evening occasions.
I eat Ferrero Rocher not only for the chocolately nuttiness but also because of the immense air of sophistication they lend me.
There's no place like home.
I don't eat Ferrero Rocher, because they're disgusting.
[Projoy] As does Jonathan Ross.
Projoy] Ditto Jonathan Ross?
[Tuj] Yes, I have.
The most efficient method of reducing the world's over population problem is to encourage homosexuality.
I didn't think there was an over population problem in the world, but on closer inspection there must be! Its quite obvious that the population of the USA has outgrown its own land mass as their population is now frequenting other parts of the globe at an alarming rate! How long before Southport becomes the next Las Vegas???????
In the foreign news today, crowds gathered in Las Vegas at the opening of a new casiono that is themed on the English town of Southport. Besides gambling until your eyes turn inside out, the casino features two pubs, a fish and chip shop and a "Chinese take-away" that specialises in indegestible curry. No expense has been spared to give the lucky families of gamblers the authentic Southport experience, down to adding all those extra "u"s to words.
</LIE>Casiono?????. That's Cosina of course. <LIE>
The USA is having a massive joke on all of us. In fact, Ralph Nader is really the new president-elect, but all news channels and reporters have agreed to play a hilarious gag on the rest of the world and pretend otherwise. We'll find out the truth in a couple of months, and how we will all laugh!
Every vote counts.
Republicans. This is the new mantra to be taught in kindergartens. "One, two, George and John who?; three, four, let's count the score; five, six, come on all you hicks; seven, eight, forget Watergate; nine, ten, I'm back in again."
in a time past
as the council of elders
sat around the ceremonial fire
passing the pipe of knowledge
from one palsied hand to the other
they dipped their feathered quill
into ink and devised a constitution
a set of laws [house rules]
to be imposed on their children
it occurred to them
through life s experience
that youth never heed the advice of their elders
and thus
it was decided a messenger was needed
who might relay their proclamations
to the populace
but whom could they place at the podium
to deliver their ultimatums who
would not be associated with the council of elders
only a popular man of the people
someone the masses themselves elected as their champion
a chosen leader

and we shall nominate him
mocked the council of aged chieftans
while smoke billowed about their shiny heads
and the pipe passed around once more
we will nominate not one they agreed
but two candidates
and then allow the populace to decide on one of the two
and in their limited comprehension
they will believe he is their voice
let the first be a dithering dunderhead
and the second a pompous ass
and either way the vote goes
we have our say
and a good laugh
at their expense

thus ended their parliamentary collusion
with lots of congratulatory ass slapping
and after
seated on marbled benches
with garlands on their heads
they wrapped towels about their portly selves
and squeezed imported grapes past balmy lips
whilst dangling manicured toes into steamy baths
where young sensuous harlots
bathed one another in oils
rekindling memories
of lost libido s
Aboriginal Australians belief that they can walk on the astral plane by inhaling termites through a dijeridoo. Indeed, this is in fact the primary purpose of the hollow treetrunks. The whole musical instrument/circular breathing thing came about as a joke played on the first white Europeans to attempt a study of them. The same is not true of the Bassoon, which was designed as a musical instrument and only later came to be used as a nasal insect bong when the Goths brought the instrument to Italy while on their way to sack Rome.
I once took a toke of Red Leb through an Oboe, it was a totaly magical musical moment only spoilt by the fact that the Red Leb turned out to be a crushed and powderd wasp mixed with wheato-flakes!. Still its a very cheap way of getting a high (except for the cost of the Oboe)if you can wait a week or so for the dead wasp(s) to dry out........Plus it has a real sting in its tail!!!!!!
I once got the sack for being in Rome, coz I should have been at work!!
I hate the weekend.
Weekends are far more exciting that weekdays.
I like those days that fall inbetween weekends and weekdays. The so called "none" days are my fav....But, then again, I do live in a strange 5 dimensional world made up off pizza, curry and loose tea!!!
I love confusing the words "than" and "that". It gives me enormous self-esteem and truly underlines my status as a pedant.
I'm really glad that I'm poorly on a weekend and don't have to miss work, only miss a choir concert instead.
I'm really glad that my entire family is poorly on a weekend and I have to look after them all while I should be working - with little to look forward to except catching the bug and spending the rest of the week performing Wagner into a bucket.
Oh the joys of vegetable soup on a duvet!
In no way do I apologise for the previous postings.
Pelgis cannot and shall not be liable for any side-effects of electroconvulsivetherapy which will almost definitely include: substantial redesign, renovation, and refurbishment of frontal and lateral lobes, expansion of cerebral panorama; interpersonal drama; fundamental, incidental and monumental changes in karma, destiny and personal fate; transcendental states, heated debates; temporary insanity, leaning towards depravity, outbursts of profanity, experience of profundity; division, subtraction or multiplication of personality; heightened rowdiness, silliness, friendliness, loneliness, liveliness, loveliness, dizziness and drowsiness; demonstrations of flamboyance, annoyance, petulance, elegance, eloquence, indolence and somnolence; uncharacteristic incidence of indiscretion; fluctuating levels of hormones, pheromones and garden gnomes. No responsibility will be accepted for squabblers; pyscodabblers, grapplers, burblers, bumblers, fumblers, mumblers, stumblers, bunglers, and airborne wobblers. Please note children are not allowed to play with mood swings, roundabouts and roller coasters.
I have a six hour gap before my next lecture, and I'm certainly not contemplating bunking off.
neither did I go home and watch Trisha while pretending to work on my essay.
It is my birthday today, and i have celebrated by fouling my undergarments.
Powdered wasp, sometimes mixed with Wheato-Flakes and inhaled through an Obong by degenerates, is actually robbed of much of its intoxicating power when drawn through a wood tube of any kind as the tetrahydrowaspinol, the agent which provides the "sting in the tail" so highly prized by the wasp-fiend, is adsorbed readily by hardwood fibres. The resulting expansion of the fibres also renders the oboe in question permanently a good quarter-tone flat; untuneable by orchestra standards. The discerning consumer desiring a less wantonly sacrificial high should use only those woodwind instruments that are not made of wood such as the flute, all members of the saxophone family and the swanee whistle (with the slide removed) to injest their pulverised insect preparations, or to invest in a purpose-built waspbong. These pricey items can even be obtained in "stealth" designs including a very convincing oboe, which unfortunately cannot be played since the reed is cast as part of the mouthpeice and does not vibrate.
The line "That's a novel idea!" about NaNoWriMo is entirely original and will not result in the recipient of said epithet thwapping the proferrer across the bridge of the nose with any handy writing implement (eg laptop) that may be to hand.
Buying and selling a house is an inexpensive way of reducing your stress.
Bool] You do not get any sympathy from me!

I had a dismal time at a Rufus Wainwright concert last week.
Wet sand is a perfectly acceptable substitute for sewing machine oil.
Deep root fillings and tooth extraction are still the best forms of entertainment
I'm having a superb day. *sniff*
Estate agents know what they are doing.
Monochrome is a beautiful colour................unlike slate grey which is kind of drab!!
I have this overwhelming urge to stand on the desk in my cube and shout "My hovercraft is full of eels!" at the top of my voice. Excuse me for a moment.

Ah, that's better.

All submissions made on this page will appear in the 2005 World Almanac Book of Facts.
[Dunx] I am often similarly overcome by such an urge while working in *a certain well-known UK based supermarket chain*. However, I combat this by phoning my supervisor for a price check, and all is well.
why dont they make more intersting stuff about curie marie
When I'm not busy inserting catheters I like to spend my time drinking TEA and wondering how Eskimos grow Cabbages?
widey] With underfloor heating units powered by lunar energy.
...lunar energy being the energy taken from the rage of people who were given really stupid first names by their parents and never had a chance (or maybe the guts; makes no odds) to tell them how cross they were.
OK, that wasn't wholly true. Energy from people given really stupid first names by their parents who never had the guts to tell them how cross they were is actually slightly less useful than that from those who never had a chance; but that's for the nuclear physicists to deal with, not us.
I'm a nuclear physicist really, that's why I know all this.
If you travel into the jungle, you will find the most commonly growing plant to be the jam sandwich tree (meles meles). Don't try and pick its leaves, however; they are daubed in poisonous sap.
Interestingly, the jam sandwich tree smells of tulips, though many prominent biologists in the field (all female) theorise that this was more to do with the proboscis of the orignal discoverererer of the tree, Melhaus Verplank, who had achieved fame as the only person ever to discover new species of edible plant in their own nose.
If you stroke someone's nose three times in the same direction, it paralyses the brain and they instantly fall in love with you. Side effects, however, include a non-reversible coma.
The non-reversible comma was invented by Lynne Truss, and will secretly replace the old-fashioned comma at the end of this year. If misused, it leaps from the page/screen/etc and stroke's the malpunctuationer's nose three times in the same direction.
The word "malpunctuationer" was coined by Shakespeare, as in the following passage from the first scene of the uncut version of Romeo and Juliet:

"I mock thee for illit'racy, thou cur
I wouldst brand thee malpunctuationer."

The word was deemed so shocking for its Elizabethan audience it was written out after the first performance of the play, after which its title was changed from Norville and Gladys to the one we know today.

By pressing the "Submit" button, you actually succumb to global terrorism. It sends an e-mail to a randomly generated Middle Eastern extremist saying "I submit! I renounce my capitalist doghood. Yrs, etc, (name)".
My real name is Norville and Gladys. There will be prizes awarded for the best anagrams of my real name anyone can come up with. Or the most obscene.
Copying and pasting things so as to repeat them makes them more true. As such:
  • Tuj - widey] With underfloor heating units powered by lunar energy.
  • Tuj - ...lunar energy being the energy taken from the rage of people who were given really stupid first names by their parents and never had a chance (or maybe the guts; makes no odds) to tell them how cross they were.
  • Tuj - OK, that wasn't wholly true. Energy from people given really stupid first names by their parents who never had the guts to tell them how cross they were is actually slightly less useful than that from those who never had a chance; but that's for the nuclear physicists to deal with, not us.
  • Tuj - I'm a nuclear physicist really, that's why I know all this.
  • Tuj - If you travel into the jungle, you will find the most commonly growing plant to be the jam sandwich tree (meles meles). Don't try and pick its leaves, however; they are daubed in poisonous sap.
  • Tuj - Interestingly, the jam sandwich tree smells of tulips, though many prominent biologists in the field (all female) theorise that this was more to do with the proboscis of the orignal discoverererer of the tree, Melhaus Verplank, who had achieved fame as the only person ever to discover new species of edible plant in their own nose.
  • Tuj - If you stroke someone's nose three times in the same direction, it paralyses the brain and they instantly fall in love with you. Side effects, however, include a non-reversible coma.
  • Tuj - The non-reversible comma was invented by Lynne Truss, and will secretly replace the old-fashioned comma at the end of this year. If misused, it leaps from the page/screen/etc and stroke's the malpunctuationer's nose three times in the same direction.
  • Tuj - The word "malpunctuationer" was coined by Shakespeare, as in the following passage from the first scene of the uncut version of Romeo and Juliet:

    "I mock thee for illit'racy, thou cur
    I wouldst brand thee malpunctuationer."

    The word was deemed so shocking for its Elizabethan audience it was written out after the first performance of the play, after which its title was changed from Norville and Gladys to the one we know today.

  • Tuj - By pressing the "Submit" button, you actually succumb to global terrorism. It sends an e-mail to a randomly generated Middle Eastern extremist saying "I submit! I renounce my capitalist doghood. Yrs, etc, (name)".
  • Tuj - My real name is Norville and Gladys. There will be prizes awarded for the best anagrams of my real name anyone can come up with. Or the most obscene.
    • I live on Cruithne.
    "Smothinism" is the study of obscure facts about beetles, particularly those concerned with The Beatles as well. The word derives from the Greek smotos, meaning "bee", and the Latin hinere, "to tell".
    There is no such thing as aircraft turbulence. This phenomenon in fact only affects London buses, but as this seems so unlikely to those with roughly average IQ or less, special damper/converters are used to channel it to aircraft, where it is now expected.
    The number 3753 is the most uninteresting integer known to man, followed by 162 and 16777217.
    For women, the top three are (in order) 162, 3753 and 781306.
    When writing a CV, be sure to include some very basic spelling mistakes. This reassures any prospective employers that you are human after all, and they'll be sure to hire you.
    In the beginning was the Word. And the word was... plumbers.
    Trenchcoat is a disease of the ear caused by keeping too many fish in your freezer. It can only be cured by a visit to Dorking.
    Toilet humour is the new black.
    In Tanzania, elections are conducted based upon the prospective President's capacity for shouting "MOOSE!" at louder and louder decibels. Controversy ensued after the last election after allegations of cunning ventriloquism.
    The British Isles were created when the Flashcard upon which the Word (plumbers) was Written fell to Earth. This happened diametrically opposite to the present location of our fair isles, and was not only responsible for their location, but also the invention of cheese (long story).
    What I tell thee thrice is true. What I tell thee thrice is true. What I tell thee thrice is true: With underfloor heating units powered by lunar energy.
    The preceding post (minus the pseudonym "Tuj" is taken from the lyrics of a long-lost Status Quo song, their only number one hit in Poland. It was called "Muriel".
    And that should not have read:

    The preceding post (minus the pseudonym "Tuj") is taken from the lyrics of a long-lost Status Quo song, their only number one hit in Poland. It was called "Muriel".

    At present, all buildings are inclined at twenty degrees to the theoretical "axis" of Earth which would pass through their reception desk. However, as covered at www.receptiondeskconspiracies.com, this is believed to be about to change, resulting in worldwide assassinations.
    "Nodosità" is German for schadenfreude.
    There are no such things as kneecaps! This common misconception is based upon the lumps people feel on their "knees".
    I've read all of those.
    The element "Argon" was based on the dying words of its discoverererer, a Greek by the name of Etenicles. Having angered the local king with his talk of his "fascinating" discovery, the King had him beheaded, causing him to cry "Arg".
    Dunx] I am so pleased that you posted just when I was only 10 short of filling the whole page with my own lies. Overjoyed. Honestly.
    Pleasure gained from the use of the Internet is directly proportional to the screen resolution used during such pursuit.
    Contrary to the view expounded by the 'big four' beer barons alcohol consumption does not make the world go round . . . . . and round . . . . . and round ...
    It has to be said that spoons are a really useful bit of kit........Edward Joshua Peasled Spooner I salute your best invention yet....And they come in plastic now! How wonderful,,,,
    [Tuj] I thought you had finished.
    Mary Poppins did not refer to a spoonful of sugar as first thought. She was in fact considering the primitive form of angel dust/pcps. Notice how it makes the 'medicine go down' a mellow ride. It wasn't aimed at crack cocaine, since the first reaction of that obviously is an incredible high. They would have had to revise the song, 'a spoonfull of powder, helps the medicine shoot up.' And there would have been the further need of additional songs, like.. We have a boe for the dog.. giver her to me. That would have been a better song than feed the birds, tuppence a bag. I have never met any pros lately going for tuppence, and my old man says, there werent any slappers for tuppance back in his days either
    In thailand, there are 3 million tax payers. There are 1.5 million hookers. The sex industry pays a further 4 million people in indirects.. totally earning 20 billion USD a year.. If slappers here were tuppance a go, and you could harnasse the energy expended, you could replace oil as the worlds energy resource. If you could store it, there would be electricity for all. Please send a letter to Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra to back up this suggestion.
    Thailand has no welfare state.. so, the government don't tax the hookers, and let the money go straight through the love tunnel from buyer to source. Parts of northern Thailand now resemble Switzerland and Germany.. and that applies to the population as well.
    I have descovered that car windows can be easily demisted with a jam sandwich.
    Car windows are made of compressed pepper.
    My car has no windows.........or doors or an engine, it is infact a Fredrick Murgotroyd perambulatory device (aka) a skate board...........FMP, its the only way to travel (apart from all the other ways of course!)
    I have deduced by painful self experimentation that pepper spary does not make a good substitute for aftershave lotion, it does however, taste great with pizza and chips!
    spary is the dyslexic form of spray...........I rest my cesa
    I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK.
    People are rich when they've got lots of money. People are poor, when they've spent it... on donations to the conservative party.
    I like to wear odd socks. Today's are embroidered with a jaunty "Up With Bush" slogan.
    If you can hold your breath for six minutes, you will have beaten that old habit.
    cheese has finally been proven by leading scienfitic research groups as the major source of familial upsets over the festive period. This Christmas, all UK supermarkets, including *a certain well-known UK supermarket chain*, have agreed to ban its sale to anyone looking moderately cheerful, as it will almost certainly spoil what might have otherwise been an excellent Noel.
    Am I wrong, is not Condoleeza Rice the sexiest woman alive?
    Italian Rolex at throw away prices. Impress with your new Rolex. Gift someone you love with a Rolex
    Dear Client of the National Westminister Bank,
    Whilst we update our systems, we earnestly urge you to provide your data by clicking on the link below otherwise your access will be blocked and all your account can be frozen.
    http://www.natwest.net/theftofyourmoney/mugs.stm
    We thank you for your cooperation.
    First Great Western trains have the interests of the customer at heart. (yes, I've been travelling again, and no, it wasn't a good experience.)

    Sir,
    This eez a genuine letter from the former head of the Treasury of the East African state of Umbongoland. Terrible tradgey has hit our mighty country as we are now being ruled by a cruel dictator –. Before this evil man took power from our glorious Presidente I managed to divert $12m from our vaults for the use of our freedom fighters. Not is it possible for me to pay to my bank account of my own, so it is with gratitude I am asking for access to your credit card so we may liberate the money. In return of this gratious deed I agree for you to keep 10%. Please send detrail to: Wewill Conju at my temporary offices – Expresso Comfort Inns, PO Box 123, Nigeria.
    8mm plywood makes a yummy alternative to cardboard as a sandwich filling in emergency culinary situations....Jamie Oliver makes a good alternative "Twat" when the guest chef you booked to cook your dinner party fails to turn up!
    I have just returned from seeing my local doctor about a small problem which has been bothering me for years. When I left he was still on the floor laughing.
    I understand my wife.
    Skip bins are wonderful things, especially when you have about 10 tonnes of 'stuff' to move and they drop it at the top of your 1:4 driveway. This is also a great way to keep fit and in no way manner or form will threaten your wellbeing.
    It is a great day to be a fox, is it not?
    This is a message from the Central Line information centre - London Underground is happy to announce that a good service is being operated across all lines this morning. Click.
    Have you any gadgets in your sock drawer missus?
    Why are people suprised that we are having frosts and "cold spells" at this time of year...........This is Manchester not Manila!!!!! Its supposed to be cold at this time of year. I blame it on the namby pamby winters of the last 10 years making people soft. I'm glad that the government have finally realised that winters should be cold, its nice to see them getting something right for once....................................
    Because some twit in the Bureau of Meteorology pressed the wrong conversion button it snowed in Sydney yesterday, even though the temperature was 31°C.
    Travel on public transport is proven to be an effective cure and/or preventative against headaches
    The way to tell the difference between stalagmites and stalctites: stalagmites are all Scorpios, whereas stalactites are all Jewish.
    *bing bong* "First Avon and Somerset are pleased to inform all bus passengers within the Bath city area that all drivers will now be pleased to accept bus passes in any condition, no matter how battered or dogeared. That is all." (click)
    Thank you for calling . . . your call is important to us, you are held in a queue and will be answered shortly . . . [girl from ipanema 20 second loop] . . .Thank you for calling . . . your call is important to us, you are held in a queue and will be answered shortly . . . [girl from ipanema 20 second loop]...Thank you for calling . . . your call is important to us, you are held in a queue and will be answered shortly . . . [girl from ipanema 20 second loop]........ click, "Hello, customer ser...click ooooooooooooooo
    My presentation tomorrow will go just swimmingly. [/lie] Sir H, have you been on the phone to O2? [lie]
    If I leave for that meeting at 05:30 - I'll miss the queues on the M25 [Nights] Yes!
    The Nile is not a river in Egypt.
    My presentation this morning went terribly. ^_^ [/lie] [Sir H] lucky guess, being a customer myself. [lie]
    The Nile is a device used in Birmingham to secure two pieces of wood together.
    ........ just a little thing but . . .
    I live in a tree
    I live in a tree
    I live in a tree
    And nobody loves me!
    [Tuj] I've sent you a tear drenched tissue via e-mail. I do hope that it doesn't clog up the system.
    Having only ever owned manually driven vehicles and wishing to keep up with current technology I decided the other day to try an automatic. They aren't.
    Every seventh summer, all colours of the spectrum rotate one to the left (red becoming orange, orange becoming yellow, etc.). Adapt your wardrobe accordingly - preferably light cottons and knits. bonus points for spotting the quote - I'd love it if someone got it.
    I never get anything......No I tell a lie I once got measles...........
    and I'm dyslexic
    [Dujon] Message received, message decoded and acted upon. And I've donated a sample of your DNA to the authorities...
    [penelope] The clinic phoned - they want to see you as well.
    Any lifetime guarantee.
    Its sad but true, Frosties are not made from frost!!!
    Erm... I think you'll find they are.
    now now, let's have no arguments. each time you argue with someone, God kills a kitten.
    A herd of wildebeest just swept across my bedroom on their way to the bathroom. When the weather changes they will stampede back to the lounge, forcing me to stop watching the TV and go and have a bath.
    Damn, now the flamingoes have migrated into my wardrobe for the winter.
    No they haven't - aha another fluffy animal gone!
    News in - Microsoft have just released Windows [95/98/me/2000/xp - delete as appropriate] which is a much more stable platform than the previous operating system.
    compatibility problems? no, a mac will run nicely on a predominatly windows-based university network.
    Any line extended infinitely in both directions will be hard to get into your car without opening the hatchback.
    Hatchbacks are so called because that's where new cars are born from.
    Pass me a boiled sweet and add me to the list for Diabetes.
    All telephone calls originating from mobile 'phones within the underground system are automatically directed to the Head of Steam.
    (fades in)GWR FM weather: the southwest will experience an unseasonably warm spell, with temperatures reaching 25 degrees. sunny spells will continue through the day, and there will be a light yet refreshing breeze. Traffic news now, and the M4... (fades out)
    If you're unlucky enough to have to follow a staple diet, avoid strong magnets.
    Chocolate chips are best enjoyed with salt, vinegar, and a rich Hollandaise sauce.
    Ratatouille has been banned in six cities in the western United States because rats are anything but twee.
    Achilles could have been saved after the ultimately fatal blow to his heel, excpet that Paris would give him his plaster.
    I've been listening to the new radio station Philosophy FM, whose motto is "All Aristotle, all the time". Obviously it is targetting the ancients. There is a sister station, Psycho Babble AM, which is targetting the Jung crowd.
    I love testing.
    The rich seam of comedic potential just struck by Dunx's latest lies did nothing to tickle my funny bone.
    Historians and thespians alike were dismayed to discover that Shakespeare’s first theatre was a globe artichoke.
    arrow_circle_down
    Want to play? Online Crescenteering lives on at Discord