My life has just been cheered up by the appearance of something called the "RealOne Message Center" in the corner of my screen. Why, I was so glad to stop what I was doing and read about special offers and deals especially selected for me! I have a warm fuzzy feeling just thinking about the programmer who came up with such a sweet idea, and I sure felt sad when I had to close the window and go back to what I was doing.
Highwaymen still terrorise the major thoroughfares of England, Their horses can't keep up with the motorway traffic, but they draw scary pictures on their handkerchiefs and wave them at motorists.
Like "Budapest", the word "London" is a concatenation of the names of the two cities that make it up. Lon is a high city, where rich folk gather in white clothes to play heavenly music on glass harmonicas, whereas Don, low down and poor, is mostly brown, full of rats and unattended babies.
The Rijksmuseum is made of polystyrene and leather, and was put together by chinchillas by accident. Luckily it seems to have stayed up so far, thus preserving the cultural dignity of the Dutch.
On January 14th, 1911, Gustav Klimt gathered the whole population Vienna together in Josefsplatz and taught them to tap dance, a skill which was used to devastating effect in the subsequent Great War, and which is retained by every local even today.
The stated aim of NASA is to make it possible to swing on a star and carry moonbeams home in a jar. It expects to achieve this within about eight years.
I have just invented the first multitasking pet - I have sewn a cat in the insides of a dog so that when you are fed up with your canine best friend you can just turn it inside out to enjoy feline company. Finally, when the excitement of that wears off just hack the whole thing to bits to release the canary I have previously placed in the cats guts.
If stranded in the desert, it is useful to know that in its hump a dromedary carries a map, a sleeping bag, some cotton reels and a small porcelain figurine.
[DrQ - oi! I've already done that one!] The sun is going through the teenage years, and as such will start going round the other way, just to be contrary. It is also planning to get a tattoo.
Swiss cheese was invented in 1804 by a Canadian gentleman named Mr. Albert Swee. It was originally marketed under the gimmick "Swee's Cheese", but when the idea was taken abroad, the presentations were confused by the French accent and one newspaper ran the headline in its gourmet section pronouncing "Swiss Cheese" to be the Next Big Thing. As with the Spice Girls' nicknames (invented around the same time), the name stuck but its origins were never remembered, and poor Mr Swee was consigned to the annals of history, along with the bits out of the middle of the cheese.
Spartacus' real name was Frederick Ivanovich Snook. He named himself after a dog he had befriended as a very small boy. The dog later changed its name to Prince.
The elusive eighth wonder of the world was a actually series of three houses in Denmark constructed entirely by chance by three amall porcine creatures searching in the woods for truffles. So remarkable were these aedifications considered that an entire city was built up around the site, attracting early tourism. Contrary to popular legend, these buildings remained intact for centuries until burnt down by a freak forest fire fanned by gale force winds.
In Luxembourg a goat has been balancing a chinese girl called Mai Xing on its nose for 5 continuous years. In another 3 years, 8 months and 24 days, they will together break the World Record for Female Ethnic Minority Group Member Balancing Act Performed By A Living Creature Other Than A Seal category.
"Biffo the bear" and "Muffin the mule" were signs that had to be taken down at our local zoo as there were so many resulting arrests and/or fatalities around the exhibits.
Meanwhile, in Differdange, a quadruped who goes by the moniker 1010,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 has his eyes on invading the north of France.
The Hebrides were one of many sites of a giant, ancient Atlantan theme park empire. Once the careless fools lost the city, which went down in legend, the parks' attractions were gradually dismantled and their origins became confused (as with the pronunciation of their names). Some features are actually still in existence today - the giant multi-faceted Slides in Egypt (later used for storage), the entrances to the Hall of Mirrors on Salisbury Plain, some of the original models from the Ghost Train on Easter Island, and the World's Largest Hot Tub in Arizona, to name but a few.
Regrettably, ZK, Australia falls into the same stew pot. Full of backward pickpockets and strange beings imported from far and wide it reflects the utter decadance of years and empires past. Most of it has fallen into disrepair; Ayres Rock no longer does, the Great Barrier Reef hasn't tied a knot in years, Darwin grew but has never evolved, Broome seems to survive Nature's vagaries and refuses to be swept away, the Sunshine Coast is where it rains all the time these days, the Central Coast simply isn't, Newcastle doesn't even have an old one (I assume someone nicked it in the interim) and, just to prove the point, Jackson Bay Port is no longer available. Sheesh!
I apologise for the falling sea-levels worldwide. I was swimming in North Norfolk and accidentally pulled out the plug with my foot. By the time I could invent the equipment that enabled me to put it back, we had lost rather a lot of water, although somewhat fortunately, I think that it had permanently extinguished Mount Vesuvius.
British law requires that all leaseholders making over one pound a year must gift the Crown with two sheep, three dogs or a cow every February 29th. While the law has not been enacted of late, Gordon Brown is considering reintroducing it.
I have not been re-reading my previous threads and worrying that I don't remember posting some of them. This would seem to indicate that my sleep patterns are currently a model to all.
I am devastated that tuition fees are being implemented following my departure from university. < / lie > (Well I kinda should be, I've got 2 younger sisters to go yet) < l i e >
Lemon trees are part of an extraterrestrial race that came to earth in search of water. Unfortunately they weren't banking on the human race finding squeezing their reproductive organs and adding sugar quite so tasty. After a long conference on the Moon they decided that it was a necessary sacrifice if it ensured the contribution that Men bring to the survival of their kind in effortless replanting, watering, feeding etc on their part. Every once in a while one of them will get a little rebellious and dig up somebody's garden.
There is also no chance at all that the last received signals from it are weak on account of the fact that one of the Martians is using its power supply to charge his moible phone.
The Universe is no more than twelve days old, according to new results from the University of Pontefract. However, some scepticism has been expressed about these findings since they are based on measurements from instruments made entirely of licorice.
The name "Keith" means "holy bearer of fruit gums" in no fewer than forty three and a half of the world's languages. Maggie Philbin was said to be "unsurprised".
Chupa Chups were discovered in a secret temple in the jungles of Borneo and were a gift from visiting interstellar mongoose people. Only the quince Chupa Chup is native to the Earth, but it has been extinct for many years.
"The worm has turned" is a reference to mediæval pornographic literature in which... well, suffice it to say that the word "worm" should not be taken literally.
"The tern has wormed" is an extract from an ancient Egyptian sourcebook of vetinary science and ornithology, although everyone is very confused as to whether this was a particularly clever bird in question or if it is just a mistranslation.
Irish bars in New York, in an effort to dispel the common American stereotype that all Irishmen are consistently drunk, have all sold out to Starbucks.
St Patrick did not chase all the snakes from Ireland. He missed four of them who were hiding in a gooseberry bush. They have been breeding ever since, and now form an army 30,000 which is preparing to take over, just as soon as they can figure out how to work an Uzi with no opposable thumb.
The good Rev. once attempted to find his (snake) in order that it might act as an interpreter. This was unsuccessful as it seemed to have p****d off. ... I know, I know .... coat!
Tiramisu used to be a form of punishment in the West Indes. The Italians stole the basic idea, added cocoa powder and sold it as a dessert. The West Indians are now thoroughly peeved for not patenting the concept, and are considering detonating an eclair bomb at the Medittaranean.
Marie Curie invented Friday in the 1800's. Since then all books, diaries etc have been altered to cover this and make it look like there was always a Friday.
I have no objections to spending many many hours preparing my work for university over the weekend, coming back and realising I've left the bulk of it at home. Oh no. I find it highly amusing and intend to tell everyone what a laugh riot it was when I found out, and what a good mood I'm in now.
Janet Jackson's latest behaviour is a shining example of freedom of expression and is the best possible thing she could have done for her family's profile at the present time.
< / l i e > [ZK] That's the last time I go near any ducks! Are you sure about the bazookas?< l i e > "And" is the longest word in the Oxford English Dictionary.
The "faceplant" is so named for the nice leafy patterns which the first plantee, a Mr Roger "Big Air" Turnbull, received on his forehead after landing rather forcefully in a gravel patch to the side of the downhill trail section he was riding on at the time (although perhaps "on" is not precisely the right word). This is fortunate, since Mr Air's colleague, a Ms Katherine "Radikal K" Foster landed in the same patch of gravel mere moments later and ended up with an intricate engraving of two dogs, ahem, fighting on her cheek.
I was not shocked at the longevity of an argument between two of my colleagues about the relative merits of rosemary and basil. It did not last for the best part of a year, though by the end it had not just degenerated to shouting the names of the two herbs across rooms.
ZK] Well, the former colleague became a doctor in Bath and discovered a cure-all stronger than panacea made from Rosemary, whereas the latter is now Bicycle Repair Man, so take your pick!
Nor am I worried about your ability to participate in said pantomime. Nor, indeed, have I ever performed in a pantomime, let alone one with a terrifyingly short amount of time remaining and a hideously underprepared cast.
The Mars Rovers are designed to look for oil. When found, President Dubya will declare war on the Martians to remove their madman...uh...madthing...uh...wutever...dictator.
With the Steelers, Penguins, and Pirates all playing exceptionally well over the past year, there has been absolutely no local coverage of the Pitt Panthers' basketball team lately. Just as well; they've lost all-but-two games.
I have a pet worm, and I have named him Willy. I often stretch my Willy between two lamp-posts when the wind is blowing strongly. When the wind hits the right resonant frequency, my Willy starts to vibrate, creating a tuneful humming noise that can be heard for miles around. My worm is safely at home whenever I do this.
Ironically bungalows have no storeys, but are some of the worst raconteurs known to achitecture. Apparently their delivery is too flat and they are prone to stairing.
I once shared my Frosties with Angus Deayton, which was a very peculiar experience. All I remember of it now is the sudden appearance of Tom Parker-Bowles wearing nothing but an iguana, which promptly had its head eaten off by Ozzy Osbourne. All parties concerned have reliably informed me this was true, even the iguana. I found that just plain confusing.
When the first man climbed K2, he was somewhat annoyed to find a box on the summit containing some false eyelashes, a copy of Lady Chatterley's Lover and a courgette. < /lie>Apparantly, due to a miscalculation, K2 is taller than Everest. This has been strongly denied by the Nepalese, who would lose out on tourist revenue if it proved to be true.< lie>
K2 is short for Knightrider, the second series as David Hasselhoff is massively popular in alpine populations.[/lie]So, will K2 get a proper name sometime?[lie]
I'm really happy that I just spent forty minutes filling in an online form, only to be told that my session had expired and that all my answers were then thrown away.
This lie is brought to you in stereoscope. View it through the special glasses and it will take on a 3-D aspect. This lie is brought to you in stereoscope. View it through the special glasses and it will take on a 3-D aspect.
Itis forbidden to scintillate in a built up area on a Monday, provided there are three churches of separate denominations within a radius of 100 furlongs.
Hitting my sisters and going "Bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother (etc)" in a high-pitched Hampstead squeak brings me no joy in life.
There are only about three hundred authentic humans left on the planet. All the others are actually aliens pretending to be human, each of whom thinks they're the only one. That's the trouble with tourists, they destroy everything they touch.
It is not galling to risk life and limb in the middle of the night by walking through Birmingham to buy fruit and finding on arrival that the 24-hour Tesco Express is closed for renovation. Oh no. When one is having a fruit crisis, this is very amusing, in fact.
I got it wrong - my previous post was number 3,594,588,409,422. I'd included two impostors and a simulpost. This is post 3,594,588,409,425, but as I've posted twice in the last four moves it means I only qualify for a bag of pork scratchings and a rub-down by Phil Jupitus in dress.
Limes can not only be grown in the underpants and all down the legs, as is traditional, but also in the armpits and, if you're careful, between the teeth.
Lyme Regis is the only town to have erected over 17 statues of Marianne Faithfull. These are all in the town centre facing North. Barnsley has 13 statues of her, and is applying for European Funding in order to build another 10 in order to take the title "Most Faithfull Town In Britain".
Her Majesty the Queen had a surprise Christmas hit with the song "Easy Tiger" in 1952, although this record has sadly been forgotten. I found a copy of it in a vintage music store last Easter and plan to release a garage re-mix version next Monday. I at least guarantee that it will be better than "Mysterious Girl".
Sergei Prokofiev taught sewing, until he discovered how to compose music whilst humming along to very boring silent movies during the First World War, when there was a shortage of cinema pianists in Russia.
Those of the Jewish faith are flocking to watch Mel Gibson's latest film and are praising its realism and the manner in which it follows their basic beliefs. The Pope, on the other hand, said something which sounded like "Bluesheets", which one can only assume relates to Jesus' shroud.
Palestine was originally going to be called Palpatine, because they wanted to be able to shoot lightning from their fingertips, which would have been very cool.
Following the recent updating of homosexuality laws in various parts of Africa, many more merry men will now be saying Hello Sailer! (Deliberate bad spelling invoked)
Daleks get a frisson of pleasure if you say words like 'emphasise', 'portability', 'standardisation', 'correctness', 'proactive', 'security' and 'integrated-cryptography'. Daleks may self destruct if you use phrases such as 'binary emulation', 'multi-platforms' and 'UNIX-like operating systems'.
hey im david polson from stanly n.c. i luv it in the butt.I WILL SUCK YOUR BALLS OFF.ANYBODY BLACK THAT IS.FREAKY XXX FROM BLACK MEN IS WHAT I WANT.GIVE ME WHAT I WANT AND I WILL GO AWAY.
HEY ITS ME AGAIN I WANT A BLACK COCK TO PENETRATE MY LOOSE ASSHOLE.I HAVE BEEN GAY ALL MY LIFE ANY HOT GUYS OUT THERE FOR ME .I NEED A BIG ONE IN MY MOUTH AND MY ASS.IM LOOKING FOR MONSTER COCK .MY EX LOVER WOODY HAS A SMALL PENIS .I COULDNT EVEN FEEL THAT SHRIMP IN ME . SO IF YOU HAVE A BIG ONE CAN I PLEASE HOLD IT IN MY MOUTH IM JONESING FOR A HARD ONE .
HEY GUYS IM FROM STANLY .N.C. I NEED COCK LIKE CRACKHEADS NEED ROCK,I WILL SWALLOW YOUR LOAD I AM SERIOUS .SLICK THANKS FOR STICKING IT IN MY STANKHOLE. U TO DAMIEN LOCKRIDGE WE HAD FUN TOSSING EACH OTHERS SALAD.PECO MCCORCKLE I WANT U TO STICK ME AGAIN BABY BOY.WOODY ITS ALRIGHT IF U AND DAMIEN WANT TO KEEP SCREWING.I GUESS I WILL DIE GAY ,BUT I DONT WANT TO CHANGE I LUV BLACK COCK.
Every Tuesday I have performed an intricate jazz dance on top of the Empire State Building to "Soldier of Love". I find it does wonders for my health, particularly my feet.
Every morning I go down to the gravity well at the bottom of the garden and draw a bucket of gravity, which I use throughout the day to prevent me floating.
The Victorians provided special cubicles in every English town centre to enable doctors to change discreetly out of their surgical gowns. Almost none survive today, and for that matter most of the cubicles are gone too.
Apple's next product will be the uPod, a device to allow people to take snapshots of their loved one's personalities to keep them company on long journeys.
If you would like to get more pleasure out of owning a Pet Bunny Rabbit than you ever imagined was possible, ... if you'd like to learn how to make your cherished pet happy, cuddly, and playful ... if you'd like to understand exactly what (s)he needs, wants -even what (s)he might be thinking - or if you just want to know how to get your Pet Bunny Rabbit to like you better, then this might be the most important letter you'll ever read. When ingested, rabbits may cause nausea, diarrhea, intestinal distension and vomiting. However hamsters are generally regarded as non toxic and no fatalities from ingestion have been reported.
The phrase "Wham! Bam! Strawberry Jam!" is actually a prophecy from the mid-14th century made by a delirious fishwife-turned-wisewoman about some period of the future. She always made these outbursts in threes, which is why she was never prosecuted as a witch (she maintained that one prophecy came from each of the members of the Trinity) and they have since been interpreted as referring to consecutive decades. So far, scholars have identified certain aspects related to world and entertainment events but are somewhat perplexed by the final idea.
Somewhere in the lonely streets of Minsk a man with a spade in his head is beating up a victim with a large coffee cup. Could this be another case for Attila the Pun?
I have been asked to make an official statement of apology by my solicitors after finding out that there is, in fact, a gentleman in Minsk who is now suffering severe injuries from an attack of the above nature. I am sorry if my remarks seemed tactless.
Whilst I would like to echo the sentiments of ZK, I cannot. I have never libelled, slandered, demeaned or snubbed any person during my visit to this planet.
I'm so embarrassed! I've been duped by a salesman into buying a rubber replica mobile phone. What is worse is that he has also replaced my entire family with rubber replicas too. Still, at least they are ‘bendy’.
Marshmallows are mostly farmed in the Norfolk Broads. Specially trained hunter gerbils pick the delicate creatures out of the marshes, whistle for assistance and make it back to dry land by clinging to a tiny rope ladder suspended from a helicopter. In this way it is possible to harvest almost thirty marshmallows a day.
Aha, so thats how it is done Projoy. In North America, [we do it differently of course] the choicest marshmallows are not farmed as they are captured from the wild. In southeast Alabama for example, it is possible to acquire as many as sixteen in one outing by startling a jackalope [i.e. antlered marsh hare] through a canebrake and then bringing it down with a highpowered rifle or slingshot. Not only are the marshmallows of a superior size but they come pre-mounted on antlers that [once sawed free] can be used to roast the tasty varmints. Harvest is tempered however, by the recent legislation of a one jackalope per season per person game law.
The Albert Memorial was modelled from playdough, and was going to be changed every day into a new shape relating to an aspect of the Prince Consort's life. Sadly, the sculptor left it out overnight on the first day and it went hard...
It has been discovered that Justin Hawkins is in fact Stephen Hawking thrown into a vat of Hair Restorer, which incidentally is the cure for Motor Neurone Disease.
Jelly fish are neither fish nor made of jelly, they are infact a strange kind of rabbit introduced by the Asgarth on a trip back from Zlygex9 in the vood quadrant of our galaxy!
Scooters suffer terribly from loneliness and should be kept in their own scooter run with at least three companions whenever not in use. Kissing the handlebars of your scooter probably won't help, but is a naughty way to have fun.
Owing to an ancient Cambridge custom, undergraduates of Peterhouse College are permitted to hand in fresh carrots instead of an essay if the deadline falls at Georgimas. The more carrots, the more marks for the essay. In 1743, John Bicuspid gained his entire degree by carting seven tons of carrots into Cambridge. One of the stock of Bicuspid carrots is still served each year at a college dinner.
Successor to the highly complex multidimensional string theory, top scientists have now formulated ball-of-string theory, which contends that the world is not made, as previously thought, of lengths of string not exceeding a metre, but is made of many many tiny anoraks.
'Ons' are what physicists are all about. Neutrons are novices in the field. Protons are those in favour of having physicists within the scientific community. Bosons are rather bombastic physicists and are sometimes referred to as Mesons. Gluons are physicists who will not change their outlook regardless of experimental results. Gravitons are the most serious of all physicists whilst Photons have a much lighter outlook. Anoraks on the other hand are simply seen as the hoods of the scientific community.
Trust me to forget! Dunx's statement was correct. An addition, though; Muons are not only those physicists from the family feline but also that of the seagulls. Quarks, whilst not quite fitting into this group, are nevertheless are duck-like, sometimes they are up or down (i.e. at the top or the bottom) and can be strange or charming. Odd that.
Bare back rides are much safer than Bear back rides! If unsure which is which, stop and ask a friendly Mountie (mounty???), never trust the word of a Grizzly they are compulisve liars, and have bad breath and poor taste when it comes to home furniture!!!!
Fridays are, statistically, the day the average person is most likely to: A) Fall in love B) Fall over a cliff C) Discover a new breed of hampster. These may be related, but I'll leave it to the scientists to work out.
[widey] You forgot the tiny island of Sock, which despite having a population of 0, has the largest legislative assembly in the world, at 30,000 members, each representing a single pebble.
The Island of Sock famous for the wrecking of The SS Cor-Blimey in 1857. All hands lost in the great storm that raged on the night of July 32nd. Gone for ever its cargo of Mule slippers, bound for the gold miners of Mexico!
Thrussocks can be manufactured cheaply from forty copies of the latest National Geographic magazine, two Imperial pints of strawberry purée, and a kilt of any Lowland tartan. varying any of these ingredients would be an expensive mistake.
Weymouth is replicated in miniature by a small town of pine cones on Dartmoor. This masterpiece of spruce-based art was constructed by a famously misguided exile of Weymouth who took the observation that he was pining for his birthplace rather too literally.
Australia is in fact a really, really, really big Island. Built up over millions of years by tiny ants belonging to the genus Saratulia....The Isle of Man(n)was built by a species of Celtic sea frogs who have long been extinct!!!
The new craze sweeping old London town is window-collecting. All you need is a hammer, a masonry chisel and something to carry your collected windows in, like a wheelbarrow. Trade your windows with your friends. See if you can get a really big one intact out of a wall. Score high for windows from famous locations, like Windsor Castle, or for particularly large examples of plate-glass. One 11 year old boy from St. Ruperto's School for the Clinically Obese has already collected an impressive seven thousand three hundred and twenty-seven windows.
Physicists are now entertaining a notion called 'String Theory' suggesting that at the smallest point matter is actually composed of spagetti hoops. These 'strings' of puree saturated pasta composites exist in many dimensions. Being means Heinz.
Toad-in-the-hole is a small village located on the Island of Maphbian off the coast of North wales. Legend has it that on New years eve the spirit of Bobby Davro rises from the sea, and walks the lanes around the village looking for Kebabs!
The heat resistant (or not!) tiles on the NASA space shuttles are made of the same compound as Wheatabix......Nice with milk n sugar but not at a gazzilion degrees!!
If you roll your eyes around far enough [backwards] there is a decipherable code imprinted on the inside of your skull that clearly warns you Not to do that!
I am not still recovering from my car accident on March 12. I find I love the flashbacks and the sore ribs. More people, like the person who hit me, should go through red lights.
Tuj's 'sorry' to Duj which followed Duj's 'sorry' to Tina, which rhymes and scans perfecty, has begun a chain of apologies that may well be perceived as the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
George W. Bush's favourite class when he was a schoolboy was math. One day, he was having fun working out logarithms with a sharp pencil when a villainous gang broke into the classroom and set about obliterating everything in the class room using nothing but moist g-strings. Ever since that fateful day, George has been determined to ensure that the world is free from wet thongs of math destruction.
Like this one. Dubya's twin daughters, Barbara & Jenna, have announced they are getting married to two guys they met while on an ale-fueled bender. The President is investigating these potential Weddings of Bass Consumption.
[Allan] Not by stating blatant or moderate lies as fact, that's for certain. < / lie > although in fairness to myself, he's probably gone by now. < lie >
Allan, if you've returned here by some grave misjudgement, I would like to point you to my own personal site, http://uk.groups.yahhoo.com/groop/polarbearporn. I imagine you should find what you are looking for there.
Jethro Tull was the inventor of the seed drill. This device allowed farmers to drill tiny holes in seeds the purpose of which remains a mystery even to this day! He also invented rock music.....
sharp pencil when a villainous gang broke into the classroom and set about obliterating everything in the class room using nothing but moist g-strings. Ever since that fateful day, George has been determined to ensure that the world is free from wet thongs of math destruction. DrQu+xum - [Btd] That's old and frankly uncalled-for. WMD puns are decidedly unfunny. DrQu+xum - Like this one. Dubya's twin daughters, Barbara & Jenna, have announced they are getting married to two guys they met while on an ale-fueled bender. The President is investigating these potential Weddings of Bass Consumption. Bob the dog - DrQu+xum] I am extremely upset by your rude responses to my postings. You obviously have no willy and a face like a pug chewing a condom. Allan - how do you play this game ZK - [Allan] Not by stating blatant or moderate lies as fact, that's for certain. < / lie > although in fairness to myself, he's probably gone by now. < lie > Tuj - Allan left due to the immense quantity of polar bear porn on this site. ZK - Allan, if you've returned here by some grave misjudgement, I would like to point you to my own personal site, http://uk.groups.yahhoo.com/groop/polarbearporn. I imagine you should find what you are looking for there. topnosh - Estate agents never make a penny widey - Fact The grim reaper is not so grim! He is infact, quite happy in his work, and often whistles a jolly tune while working. widey - Jethro Tull was the inventor of the seed drill. This device allowed farmers to drill tiny holes in seeds the purpose of which remains a mystery even to this day! He also invented rock music..... widey - Ian Anderson was the inventor of farmed salmon, standing on one leg and flute playing at jazz festivals!!! anybody - I didn't cry when Ol' Yellar died.
I'm not at all worried that it looks like our lies will be used to confuse Bayesian filters, as these are an abomination, filtering out innocent Bayesians everywhere.
The truth is out there,and a few little lies! I prefer to avoid it and bury my head in the sand and snuffle for termites. My best friend is an Ostrich called Frank, and he owns a puppet made in the image of Bernie Clifton.
Oxford University dons are required by law to shake their booties once a month at the Abingdon Tweenagers' Sports and Social night. The Chancellor of the University generally spins some kewl noises on the deck while the Pro-Vice-Chancellor sells marijuana to a plain clothes policeman.
The Law in only an ass in countries with a common law system. In those states which use a code of law, the black and white nature of the legal system has resulted in it being reclassified as a zebra.
Following extensive research, scientists have conclusively proved that the only thing which does not cause cancer is marrow, unless you cut it up, in which case it is like to deadly poison in its effect. The Food and Health Ministries are currently working together on statements to deal with this news.
In fact, the ancestry of every Reeves now living can be traced back to a single ancestor, Theophilus Amadeua Gottlieb Reeves, a celibate monk who journeyed from his native Austria seeking elightenment and eventually settled in Banff.
The NASA program is currently the world's longest running stage play. NASA astronauts are paid thespians under the directorial partnerships of Andrew Lloyd Webber and George Lucas.
The name Rees is a diminutive version of Reeves and means 'one who drives lawnmowers'. It comes from the French 'Rivé' meaning 'man with small patch of grass'.
My real name is Mick Onesiphorus Roberts, and I abhor the letter "V". Whenever I see it, I scream violently and am forced to order and eat a pizza to calm myself down.
Tofu Was Invented by Arthur Prattock-Smyth in 1873 as an alternative to putty. Its use as a vegetarian food supplement was discoverd by Miss Jenny Beansweeth in 1924 at the Pocksworth annual food festival. It now comes in several flavours all of which are bland!
Dog-eared was a style of dress favoured by the poor in England between 1642 and 1751. It was later replaced by the style of dress known as Rag-n-bone in the late 1700's. There is no public record of what the poor were wearing inbetween these periods!
Ah! What widey is missing is the fact that the poor 'tween the aforementioned dates wore nothing. Hence the term "What the dickens" was an expression of surprise or disapproval - later usurped by the literati in reference to Charles Dickens and his social opinions. "dickens" is a contraction of "dick ends" and was a form of euphemism in those days of yore when a quid was called a pound and a virgin, whilst much sought after, was a far thing.
The flyleaf was invented and named by William Caxton following his discovery that children were removing the front and back pages of his publications in order to make paper aeroplanes.
Current thinking is that trees breathe in carbon dioxide and, effectively, seal it within their structure so that it is in turn sealed within the Earth when they die. Given that we have far too much CO2 in the atmosphere the answer is simple - chop down more trees.
Lemon Curd is the modern spelling of the tribal name of Lemon Kurd. This fearsome band of warriors frequent the foot hills on the border of Afghanistan and Pakistan (sorry my spelling is poor). They have a "sister" tribe that frequent the lowlands of Pakistan known as the "Lime Pickles"!!
A Rangoon is a special type of dinner jacket. Its made of white cotton with beige leather arm patches and is usualy worn by ex army officers. Its popularity has dwindled since the mid 1800's and it is seldom worn these days!
Creme Spam was invented by Sir Brent Cross in 1802, the same year in which Sir Brent Cross was invented by Creme Spam, and the Queen Mother was built by Brunel.
Thats how sad you are you depend on this site its your life go out get a friend have a drink i bet you live with your mwa in a crappy council estate and you work as a bin man and your only thrill is going out to the bingo on a thursday night
One of my fondest memories of my schoolboy years was leaving a coursework assignment 'til the night before it was due in, and getting the sh*ts that night (excuse me).
Seedless grapes were originaly developed by Arthur Pollwick in 1907 whilst working in the French town of Urvet-la-Monge. He was killed in 1916 on the Western front, whilst trying to develop the "self-seeding" damson for the allied forces.
One of my fondest memories from my schoolboy years was getting a glimps of stocking top from Miss Butley, as she was bending over to pick up a stray piece of chalk from the class room floor.....I got to see a bit more than that too, at a later date, but thats another story!!!
Napalm makes a great substitute spread if you happen to run out of marmite and it has a similar taste. The USAAF dropped 1.2 million tons of marmite on Vietnam during the Vietnam war, by accident. This was due to a clerical error which came to light several years after the conflict ended!!!!
woman, women.............lose the W and you either have a place or some tell tale sign of the future!!!!! Still it was late at night when I posted, plus im stupid. Neither of which helps me very much.............sigh!!!!
The sitar was invented by deaf people who enjoyed the vibrations but were, unfortunately, clueless about the sound. It was actually invented in Cleveland and then exported to India by persons who were stuck in an airport and just got on the first plane that would take off. It became widely popular in India, especially because of the very long notes it could play. The record is 45 seconds, during which the note played varied slightly in half tones, but only slightly approached a whole tone. The sitar, also, by no coincidence, rhymes with guitar.
I'm afraid I'm crap on the Sitar, not bad on Guitar and Bass guitar though! Visit(http://www.papalazarus.com)for some proof!!! I leave all the weird sounding stuff to Mr Sideboard and his amazing synths..........
Nosferatu has a part time job selling ice cream in Seedley, Salford. I often see him on my way to the undertakers. He's a jolly nice chap and can hold 8 ice-cream cones in one hand, nearly a world record!!
My given name is Falstaff [Sir John Sack-and-sugar]. T'was Ol' Willy Shakespeare who made me immortal. He is my revered God and I have gone and outlived him, which has driven me to excessive drink and to carousing with loose women to lift me spirits *sic* what else could become a man who has no savior?
Little Hampton is a condition often experienced by males aged 80 and above. It can also affect younger men if there is a sudden cold spell or the weather turns damp. It is also sometimes known as Turtles heading........
Roger Moore's Grandfather, Sir Henry Dart Moore was the main force behind the forming of Englands national parks. His Great Aunt, Miss Emily Avie Moore was the owner of the first Scotish Ski resort. Which was founded in 1907 outside the little village of Speennaghspraghha-Dhu........
Lionel Hampton is a condition experienced by men over 30. It is caused by extended periods of kneeling on the floor to play with their children's toy trains. It is rarely fatal, but can turn into Lionel Ritchie, a condition which common decency prevents me from describing any further.
I am a mole and I live in hole. Failing that I enjoy wombling, although the city ordinances require the payment of an annual fee which means that I cannot womble for free.
"'Ol' Dismal', that be 'is name. 'Twould do ye well to mind that as you wallow around in self-pity afore t' magistrate as 'e sentences ye," said Father Johnson to his flock, but the sheep never answered.
BAAAA-men: Not high in number nor do they enjoy kumquats. They are a curious folk with out right-side* tendons and inhabit the planes of Ikea. (N.B: *in obedience to biological discrepencies; those on the left)
News Flash! The monkeys who have been sealed up in a room with a typewriter for three weeks just passed a note under the door. Finally a simple declarative sentence! "We smell."
Chicken breast is a condition known to affect women who live within the artic circle. Not to be confused with chicken leg, a condition sufferd by both men and women who live along the line of the equator. Chicken Kiev has mostly been erradicated except for a small area of Poole (Dorset) and Novgarod (formerly in the USSR).
Modern pumpernickel can be powered by a single lithium battery, which is a great improvement on the pumpernickel of yore which required the electricity from fourteen lemons just to boot up!
Goat-insects are commonly thought to be a goat/insect cross, but in actual fact are a sheep/insect cross, hence the white fluffy coat. They where originally bred by Mi5 as an experiment to see if stick insects could be farmed for wool, but due to pressure from the welsh farming community the experiments where dropped and the test subjects released into the wild. The mojority released died from an insect equivelent of syphalus, but a few still remain in a small community located in Exeter, in the hedgerow of a small rural primary school. Local people are now threatening there existance by harvesting them to use as fire lighters, the RSPCA have declared the area a SSSI and are in the process of setting up a breeding program to ensure the goat-insects future.
In Scotland, the addition of an exclamation mark instantly makes things funny! However, the original exclamation mark-shaped plans for Hadrian's Wall were cancelled when it was realised nothing was holding uo the top bit.
My ancestors were from Scotland, but spelled their names with a question mark at the end. This led to confusion, vast intermarriages, and, ultimately, extreme difficulty in genealogy searches.
As a subtle practical joker, I like to cover my local zebra crossing with a life size negative photograph of it, and count the years til anyone notices.
Seven Oaks is miss-named as there are now only 3 Oaks following the great Oak disaster of July 21st 1957...... An ill wind and a council worker with a chain saw......
Mr Bertie Vogts Snr designed and built the Vogts Electric Tramway linking the Scotish town of Jibberish with the East coast port of Twaddle in the year 1960.
By a unanimous proclamation of the World Trade Organization, the year 1961 has been banished from the historical calendar. All persons born within that dark era will no longer exist and must be ignored with all diligence. Their offspring however, do exist and shall henceforth be viewed as prodigy, having derived from immaculate conception. Any non-persons affected by this proclamation are required by international law to surrender themselves to the nearest cannery for assimilation and citizens are urged to report any noncompliance to the local authorities. As decreed this 10th day of May, 2004 by the esteemed Curator of Agricultural Commodities, Colonel Soylent Greene.
Plastic coathangers are an excellent source of nutrition, and have in fact been discovered to contain a minimum of 43% more vitamins and minerals than the average airline meal.
Parsons Nose is a little known island situated in the North of the South China sea.... I was ship wrecked their for 3 months and lived on a diet of squid and wild rice! My bowels still refuse to work properly!
I have been here the whole time, taking notes for a psychological study on pathological liars for my degree in Botanics and Fishery. [Dujon] But they do!
Paranoia is next to godliness, but only in the newly released "serendiptionary" where words are jumbled up at random. Increase your vocabulary by picking a random word today!
My daughter did not bring her daughter to my house the other day and then take my wife along with the little darling to feed the ducks at the local lagoon. Nor did she lose her keys to the car and ask me to drive down to the said wetland to help find them. Shoes are cheap, particularly if they are drenched, covered in duck droppings, mud and various seeds of thorn. There are times when I love my family to death.
CERN has announced the discovery of a new subatomic particle which has been observed to interact minimally with other particles itself but which has been seen with great frequency to pass by two particles which then annihilate each other in a highly energetic manner. It has been dubbed the tarantino.
"I'll have no frolicking in my pantry Guv'nor!!" was the catch-phrase used by Princess Michael of Kent in her first unrecorded sitcom provisionally entitled "Sperm Kittens go AWOL in Tewkesbury".
<lie>Thanksgiving will be particularly entertaining this year now that most people in the US have come to realise that George W Bush is a turkey.</lie>
When I was small, I used to stretch my mouth between the gateposts that led into our front garden and 'strum' my lips with a plecktrum in order to imitate the extraordinary musical tallent of Stephan Grappelli.
The British band Keane only has two members. Their lead singer has been lying in a coma in Croydon for the last 22 months, and performs all of their songs via astral projection.
There is a running joke in Hollywood about elastic bands. Some of the most highly regarded people in the industry are those who have managed to bring about the appearance of two hundred or more elastic bands during key moments of the films in which they are working. The most famous and brilliant exponent of this activity to date is Irwin Stokes, actually a little-known sound technician from Caldwell, who has been active since the 1940s and has so far totalled a whopping 18,942 "infiltrations" - nearly 3,000 of these were in the film "I, Spartacus" alone. Stokes actually received a 'secret' Oscar (cut from the tapes) for his 500th, which found its way into Ben-Hur. Insiders say that a roaring trade in DVDs and literature about the practice is the most lucrative and fast-growing in Hollywood since Elijah Wood made a slip about Sir Ian McKellen not being able to get the one he wears in "Fellowship of the Ring" on his beard past the Antipodean producers. Incidentally, the first "Greatest Moments" DVD is due for release on Amazon in 2005, but numerous insiders are lobbying to have it withheld, as it remains one of the few Hollywood activities unknown to the general public.
"Tro, håb og kærlighed" ("Twist and Shout") is considered the film industry's finest hour, however, there is a great move to prevent its wider circulation as it contains no fewer than eight million references to rubber bands, which the more die-hard followers felt would be unlikely to go unnoticed by the public in general. Thus it is often submitted on television without subtitles, or interrupted by news bulletins somewhere after the 1,000,000 mark.
Isela Vega was given a three-year ban by the film industry between 1992 and 1995 for appearing in the '92 spoof movie "Bring Me The Rubber Band of Alfredo Garcia".
The origins of the game are shrouded in mystery - one source claims that it does in fact date back to the days of the Puritan régime, when English actors used to hide behind abandoned theatres and flick Oliver Cromwell with bands, made at that time out of leather, as he rode past. However, more evidence suggests that the first recorded incident is in fact merely to be found in Cecil B. DeMille's film "Dynamite" in 1929.
Interestingly, the many worlds of radio and television, have developed their own versions of the game, and these also vary massively internationally. One Spanish satellite channel works to incorporate a duck, halibut and yoga instructor into every fifth programme, a British production company has so far managed to include naked pictures of any Prime Minister since 1805 into each of its films (their latest triumph was the Christmas hit "Love Actually") and a music station in Strasbourg only remains on the air as long as they manage to run a genuine story each day featuring Anthea Turner.
James Woods (actor) has a brother called Arulostintha, which is an ancient tribal name used by the Black Mountain Indians. He also has a brother called Dave!
A few things the Romans didn't do for us! 1. They didn't invent TV... 2. They didn't design the Ford Fiesta (it was the Anglia.......yuk)... 3. They didn't put a man on the moon and neither did the yanks...4. They had no idea how to break-dance... So much for being a great nation!!!!!
Fact....Research performed at the Loughborough Sleep Research Center have shown if you interrupt a dream at precisely the correct moment, the dream will become reality. [As a matter of record, two nights ago I pinched myself while dreaming and awakened to find I was in fact pinching myself.]
Personalities clashed at my job in the strawberry packaging warehouse. I used to make a lot of jokes and insinuations, until I was called into the manager's office and told that I was no longer required to punnet.
It has been shown in tests that you can dunk anything with a volume of less than 20 cubic miles. For bigger objects, you simply need a double-sized mug of tea.
"Blue Suede Shoes" contains any number of sly allusions to Elvis' hobby of competitive rose growing. The line "Two for the show" in particular refers to the standard practice at the time of providing two blooms at an exhibition, the judges then choosing the one which was marked most highly.
The House of Lords was reformed specifically to ameliorate a common ailment amongst the hereditary peers, that of a strained larynx which in severe cases led to amputation of the head (eg King Charles I). Only those peers who could repeatedly say the word "house" without ill effects were permitted to retain their seats, and a breeding programme to eliminate the worst excesses of this dangerous accents has been instituted.
"The Archers" is a soap opera about Roman stone masons and the complex relationships between different guilds and their arch specialities, and the qualities of the stones and bricks used to build them. The series builds to climactic episodes set during the eruption of Vesuvius that covered ancient Pompeii.
In 1745 a young Master Bates was discovered crouched behind the banister inside of his mothers Virginia domicile working himself into a frenzy while watching the chambermaid straighten her garter. Not only did his horrified mother twist his ear unmercifully as she dragged him towards the bathtub, but his father later that evening reproached him using a stout cherry sapling confiscated from the front lawn. Made to repent before their small Methodist congregation, word of his voyeuristic inclinations soon reached his peers. Hoping to avoid his newfound popularity and subsequent bruising, young Master Bates dropped his surname and ran away from home, only to emerge elsewhere under the given name of George. Vowing to never repeat the mistakes of his past, George went on to become the father of his country. Which further supports the old adage [practice makes perfect].
When Citizen Kane mouthed his dieing word [Rosebud] he was relying on his beloved doberman pinscher, Attila to be positioned at his bedside. Attila was a graduate of the Icelandic Canine Academy of Berserkergang, an elitist obedience school for dogs. 'Rosebud' was the command that would plunge Attila into a fit or insanity whereby he would slay indiscriminately all those who had gathered to watch the great man die. Unfortunately Attila was not present at kane's death, and the wry smile on the face of the dead man once he'd give the command was deemed a mystery.
Everyone knows, Kim, that Solomon Grundy was the very wealthy Uncle of Eddie, and he and Jeffrey Archer made a fortune penning throw-away chart hits spun-off from biblical soap-operas. as a sequel to the 'Kane Dingle and Dr. Abel' trilogy, they released 'Queen Vic of My Heart' under the guises of 'Craig David and Goliath'.
For years there was controversy over who really sang on Milli Vanilli's chart hits. The answer, believe it or not, was Stephen Hawking. In a strange twist of fate, it was the surviving member of the band who provided the voice for that box-thingy the scientist uses. Rumour has it the two will reuinte this Summer to appear in commercials for Tunes Throat Lozenges. "A first class ticket to Nottingham please - and you can sod off if you think you're putting me in the Guard's van, you prancing, dreadlocked twat!" That sort of thing. Remember, you heard it here first.
The southern Penguin colonies seemed to have survived although the Penguin Empire itself has disappeared. Purely as a matter of interest, some of the colonies are monarchist in their structure and others somewhat more dictatorial (e.g. the King and Emperor species).
'They' say that drowning is a wonderful experience - even better than sex. Given that I've never had sex (and my children will verify that) I find myself in a rather awkward position.
DNA tests are the best thing since sliced bread. When I got the results the other day I was so releived to find that the little b*stards don't carry my genes.
In Britain an "X" is used on ballot papers, as this represents your kiss of good luck to your chosen candidate. The single transferable kiss is however merely whoreish.
It's a well known fact that the pen is mightier than the sword, which is why Lord Byron chose pistols when challenged to a head-on confrontation in an essay writing competition by a classmate in 3C.
Eggs stay fresh longer if turned upside down in their styrofoam boxes, but have been known cause hallucinations and "loss of balance" when eaten if stored in such a manner.
Eating diamonds will coat your teeth in diamond dust, thus allowing you to bite through solid steel with ease and wit much more effort and luck perhapse a piece of fruitcake
Things I Like most in life.........Tea, beer, football, curry, women........but mostly over the next few weeks it will be numbers 1-3 in reverse order!!! with number 4 thrown in at some point. Number 5 is out for the next week or so........and the fun starts today!!!
Arthur Beanstock invented the spit valve for brass wind instruments in 1822. He died 3 years later after the valve on his Blenkinsop Tuba failed and he aspirated 2 gallons of sputum!!!
Since our state government issued the edict that railway trains arriving five minutes after the timetabled schedule are 'on time' and that those arriving less than ten minutes late are 'within acceptable parameters' the whole metropolitan network has been working like clockwork and commuters are really, really pleased to see that the powers that be are so considerate, caring and proactive when it comes to their welfare.
Entertainment at its best comes in the form of a London party magician called "Sando the Grate". He had an assistant called Janet, but she kinda got cut up a bit, without the putting-back-together.
If you are whitewashed in a game of pool, you must run naked to the nearest set of traffic lights, press the button and wait. Walk calmly across, then run back to your clothes.
George Bush is set to the Japanese international time zone. Eric Morecambe, in his day, ran on BST all year round, excepting the fourth finger on each hand.
I always wanted to be the meaning of life..........but we have to wait another 2 years before I hit the magic number 42!!! I can practice in the meantime.....
If you stand at the entrance of box tunnel on IK's birthday, just as the sun rises...........your liable to be run over by an express train. I know I have the bruises to prove it!
I live in Sheffield, Yorkshire - which is in fact under water. I have always lived under water. My soul is drawn to large bodies of water – as it is a primary ingredient of custard and custard allows me to think more clearly and connect with 'the other side'.
I was led to Sheffield by my spirit guide, the shade of Adolf Hitler. I had never thought about moving to Sheffield - but once I came to the building in which I now live, I felt the energies created by the water, saw the 'Barley' style tiles in the bathroom and saw how close it was situated to an excellent budget ‘white goods’ department store, then Hitler told me I was home.
Its a little known fact that Wayne Rooney is an expert "spoon" player. He's known in rock circles as Roon the Loon!! Sol Campbell used to play in a "Dixie style" jug band.................well done lads.............
But not all the England squad are so musical. Gary and Phil were kicked out of the Neville Brothers because Gary's voice was always a little flat and Phil couldn't keep the beat going for longer than 5 bars. Before they were run out of town they were forced to undergo skin whitening treatment so that no-one would ever associate them with New Orleans first family of funk. The skin whitening treatment also had a miraculous effect of making them look a lot younger than they really are. They lived in Salford for 15 years before becoming naturalised British citizens and their real ages are 47 and 52 respectively.
there are many unpleasent people who shop at walmart, these people cannot be found at any other store, this is why we pass out small happyface stickers, they work as shields, protecting the next generation from the bad walmart mojo.
There is no more productive or enjoyable way to spend a day than cutting down saplings, pulling up nettles and weeds, and filling a skip with all the garden trash.
I invented the barstool [but it turned out the blasted thing could be unreliable after a few drinks] so I give the patent away to avoid potential lawsuits.
With the adept use of 8 shaving mirrors and 1 clothes mirror, I can view the scene outside of my bed room window while making a cup of tea in the kitchen! I am a nosey neighbour!!!
Yes, that is true. Half of the Smiths family changed their names to Jones when their cousin, W.H., opened his first newsagent. The reason for this defection? They were alergic to newspapers. They developed a black rash on their fingers whenever they came into contact with one.
Definitely, I tried it myself. Not sure about the TEETH (teath?!) thing though as all mine fell out when I was 11 as a result of an accident with a bag of sherbet lemons.
A "cheak" is in fact a traditional teapot used in parts of Yorkshire. Hence the classic dialogue from a much beloved show:
- Get away wi' yer! Me cheak's on t'boil! - Aye, Nora lass, and it ain't t'only part neither! (Degenerates into comic brawl as Foggy and Clegg look on indulgently)
Elizabeth Taylor's fifth husband was Zachary Taylor [the twelfth president of the United States] but they divorced in 1848, one year before he was elected to office. i.e. [Elizabeth Taylor is older than Eve.]