<lie>Halloween is a holiday that is based around embracing scary things, particularly those involving Michael Portillo, the Daily Telegraph, Kenneth Clarke and the mythical Michael Howard. Ghosts, witches, black cats, goblins, banshees zombies, and demons, as well as Dracula and Frankenstein flee in terror on Halloween, when these strange figures are said to rise from the dead. </lie>
Dick Cheney will actually be dressing up as Hans Blix and going rubble-pile to rubble-pile in Tikrit begging for weapons of mass destruction. If he gets any, he'll put them in his secret lair under Pikes Peak.
I love Hallowe'en too. I spend the night of October 31st every year sitting atop the Eiffel Tower, talking to the ghosts of the miniature poodles, and launching eggs at Angus Prune's window with my ICBE launcher.
The quickest way to Birmingham is to seek enlightenment as a combination cub scout/Buddhist monk, and then get earn a badge in Divinity. Ascend to Nirvana, and turn left.
Dear Friend, I received encouraging information about you and how trust worth you are. I am delighted with such a useful information. I am interested in the partnership investment program with your corporation. First permit me to introduce myself as Governor Sandy Soko of the Western Sahara State in the Democratic Republic of Sahara (A tiny Island in the Desert). Being the chief executive and the governor of my State. I awarded the contract of IRRIGATION to Portuguese Firm worth several millions of dollars.
In the execution of that project the Portuguese Firm discovered large amount of gold in one of the contract site. I collaborated with the Portuguese Firm on a mutual agreement on the proceed of which I have received my share of $65.000,000=(sixty five million dollars).
As the Governor of the Tiny Island, I cannot introduce or circulate this funds into the Sahara banking system considering my provisional duty and the considering the fact that I earn less than $1,000US dollars monthly coupled with the Bureau of conduct guidelines and regulations for Public Civil Servants.
The above situation prompted my decision to give the whole lot to you. I will arrange all necessary procedures. You will find the money in a brown envelope, sellotaped to the plastic giraffe in the children’s play area of Exeter service station.
Ian Duncan Smith is to be plasted into orbit, from where his head will reflect enough sunlight to reduce coldness of the polar night, thereby allowing the polar bears to stay up later and practice football.
< lie=" this isn't a shameless crib from Carpe Diem" > The Jedi Gerbil Collective are on a mission to convert the entire meerkat population to Jedi-ism. < /lie >
On January 1st 2000, the town council of Lampshade, Montana unearthed a time capsule that had been buried beneath the City Hall on January 1st 1900. Inside were found an old newspaper, a buggy-whip, three old photographs, a bowler hat, and the entire cast of the 1998 German film Run Lola Run. (Okay, it's a Lie of the Day, but it was my Lie of the Day.)
All Liberal Democrats have a heartening vision of universal freedom, all Labour guys strive to improve the life of the common man and all Conservatives yearn to create a morally upstanding Britain. All voters want to help them.
The Tube map is actually at 1:1 scale. The tickets are soaked in a drug that, when absorbed into the skin, causes you to shrink drastically. Don't ever eat one, or you may not return to your proper size at the end of your journey!
Dr.KEITH PEAR United Bank For Africa PLC, ILupeju Branch, Lagos, Nigeria.
I am Dr.KEITH PEAR, Branch Manager with United Bank For Africa,Ilupeju Branch, Lagos, Nigeria. I have an urgent and very profitable business proposition for you that should be handled with extreme confidentiality. On January 6,1998 a Foreign Consultant and contractor with the Nigerian Railway Corporation Mr. Williams Gambe by name made a numbered time Fixed Deposit for twelve calendar months valued at US$25M (Twenty five Million United States Dollars Only) in my branch. Upon maturity I sent a routine notification in accordance with the Bank policy to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers Nigerian Railway Corporation that Mr. Williams Gambe died from an automobile accident.
On further investigation, we found out that he died without making a Will and all attempts to trace his next of kin was fruitless.
I therefore made further investigations and discovered that Mr. Williams Gambe did not declare any next of kin or relations in all his official documents including his Bank Deposit paperwork in my Bank.
This prompted me to contact you.
I have decided to spend the whole sum on a slap-up meal at ‘Thank God Its Fridays’ in Aston Cantlow with a whole stack of people I’ve never met before.
Will you come?
I await your response urgently. Regards, Dr.KEITH PEAR
Only if elephant tusks are not on the menu. If this is satisfactory to you please send to me your bank account details in order that we can confirm this in a professional manner.
I did not type this. I do not own a keyboard, and have to enter words onto the computer by a process involving my brain, a set of jump leads and the scrotum of a passing snapping turtle.
As ZK undoubtedly knows, as zoos are built up over time by people receiving animals through the mail. Lions require A3 envelopes, but chimpanzees can be sent by freepost.
Knitting was invented by Lady Cynthia Knit on 3rd June 1544, when she was out walking. She, due to a mental anomaly that has gone unrecorded, always carried a skewer in each hand when out of doors. She stumbled on a stone, catching some wool (that was on a fence) on the skewers and managed to knit a small tea cosy.
Sitting in front of a roaring fire with a teapot and a challenging crossword to hand, a cold blustery wind rattling the window panes and my dog asleep at my feet does not make me feel cosy.
I built a lifesize replica of the lost city of the Incas out of yoghurt pots and lollipop sticks and buried it on the beach at Cromer. Time Team found it and it is now on display in Sidney Opera House.
</lie> [AP] You've never been to Pittsburgh, have you? :) <lie> The Port Authority of Allegheny County is the most efficient mass transit company in the United States.
Mars Bars were at one time believed to be made out of meteorites, however N.A.S.A. probes proved that this was not possible (see any conspiracy site for confirmation!)
[BtD] Ah they're not called fun size for nothing [plump] not at all brilliant I never tire of listening to ****** Riverdance on hold to the Apple Store UK. It's only surpassed by when they have Enya on loop instead.
In the course of investigating the powers of the Lord Chancellor, Whitehall officials have discovered that every sentence uttered in the precincts of Westminster should be concluded with the word "stush" or "wagwan".
The spanish language does not have equivalent words for razor, snow, barbecue, pritt stick, bidet, Prince Harry, hedgehog, Indiana, marshmallow, rhinoplasty, trout, Putney, or hamburger.
I have not been waiting for over three hours for a customer to turn up for an appointment and (as I usually do in such a circumstance) am taking it in my stride.
Deep in the hallowed halls of Westminster, a small group of determined government frontbenchers plot the establishment of yet another organisation to consider a subject of public importance, but which is to be independent from the government. Could this be another job for Quango Prairie Dog?
I once danced with Keanu Reeves, but kept falling on the ground when he would do the dip. He seemed to hover above the ground and I could not keep up with him.
[Boolbar] I'm sure the bucks wouldn't have appreciated being rubbed together either.... I used to be the gasman for a local stock car team, but that was the pits.
None of the above were hilarious. I hate them all. They are not classic online Mornington Crescent. I used to work in a glue factory, but I couldn't stick with it.
I lost my job in meat refrigeration after the company I worked for relocated to the West Midlands and I was sent to Coventry and given the cold shoulder.
Before that (I've done a lot in my 87 years on this planet, among others) I was a tester for Viagra. The job grew on me, but eventually my workload plummeted.
Myself, I've been training in the medical field. For a while I worked as an opthamologist's assistant, but we just didn't see eye-to-eye. I tried to switch to cardiology, but my heart just wasn't in it. Then, I thought maybe I could fake it as an X-ray technician, but the supervisor saw right through me. The only job left was in proctology, and obviously, it's a real pain in the arse.
It have been looking in here every day recently. My brother and his friends didn't circulate some emails last year with some excessively clean and unfunny job description puns and I'm not at all tempted to post them in here. They simply aren't rude enough.
I'd have to be a bit of a sap, then? Do you reckon you need counselling? Don't give up too soon and leave - your problems are probably deeply rooted. I know an excellent Tree Surgeon therapist, Den Dron.
I used to have a job performing ultrasounds on expectant mothers to determine the sex of their babies. For some reason, the mothers never seemed happy with my work. I don't know what those women were expecting!
I used to market sporting equipment to the hockey community. When I approached the football authorities for a similar position they gave me the boot: they claimed I had unrealistic goals.
[Dujon] Did they tell you to puck off? My last effort at holding down a job was as an assistant to an optician. It was going OK, but then I was framed.
[Dunx] No, but my old colleagues didn't half give me some stick! After that I tried being an electrical salesman. That only lasted until the company found I didn't have the proper connections.
At one stage I worked for an pest exterminator, but I got the flick, man. Aussie's only will get that - unless a certain company operates in the U.K. and N.Am. regions.
I used to sell DIY equipment, but I throw a spanner in the works by getting hammered, completely plastered. It was a wrench to leave. I felt I was left on the shelf. I saw myself being screwed by the job market. Luckily I got a new job and can paint myself a better future.
I snagged a job with a 'bus company once - I even took their various I.Q. test over a few months - but when I gave them my report they said I queued too much. OK, I'm half tickled ...
Later on, I was consultant to the dairy industry. However, most of my clientele dropped off after one of the Big Cheeses said I was milking them for everything they were worth....
Then I was Donny Osmond's tour manager for a while a few years back, but I got arrested for making puppy love. ([AP] His educational career began, interestingly enough, in agricultural school, where he majored in animal husbandry, until they caught him at it one day)
[DrQ] I once shot a man by mistake, believing him to be a large, flesh-coloured squirrel. < /l i e>Was someone going to make a separate game for the Job Pun thing? I thought I read that somewhere.
Party Wimple is the ultimate knitted tube that fits over your head, and is guaranteed to give your soirées a sprinkling of ultra-modernity. It will keep your guests entertained and yet is also great for kitchen chores - no loose ends to dangle in the washing up.
Somewhere in Edinburgh is a gang of "Legitimate Businessmen" plotting slow and stealthy infiltration of the British Royal Family. They are armed only with wit, cunning and copious amounts of peanut butter. Could this be another case for undercover agent, Ignatius, Super-Weevil?
David Arse is a full-time children’s' entertainer known as the Juggler for Jesus. He has been a professional juggler for 59 years and has developed a program that uses juggling, fire-eating, and nude audience participation to share God's Word in a memorable way. If you are planning a youth meeting, worship service, Sunday school class, outreach, festival, luncheon, dinner, banquet, or even a satanic mass, David can provide a program to make the occasion instantly forgettable.
Austria is the world's largest importer of licorice allsorts -- in 2002 alone, enough of them were shipped to Austria to provide over 600 kilograms of the candies to every man, woman, and child living there. Noone knows what is done with them; it is the nation's most carefully-guarded secret.
Scientists have discovered that if you place certain Impressionist paintings in your garden, then garden pests are attracted to them. Said one scientist, "Monet is the route of all weevils".
Contrary to popular belief, it takes more than two to tango. The rugby scrum evolved from an erotic tango originally danced by two women of the night (or 'hookers'), each supported by their 'pack' of seven supporters.
An infinite number of monkeys with typewriters will eventually produce the complete works of Shakespeare, likewise 3 pigeons, a copy of Miscrosoft Word, and the Radio Script Wizard (TM) produce all the scripts for "The Archers".
The Parkway East in Pittsburgh, much like the M25, is a marvel of modern transportation and drivers should slow down to 15MPH to sufficiently take in its beauty and efficiency.
Everyone over 75 in the UK really understands decimal currency, and the Europeans invented the single currency in the hope that it would eventually reach Britain and confuse all the pensioners.
If Little Bo Peep leaves her sheep alone, they will come home, wagging their tales behind them, and will not be savaged by dogs or rounded up by government officials.
Miss Muffet has been undergoing counseling for her arachophobia. It's been some success, but she still does not like spiders to sit down beside her. She's also off whey.
The visual and anecdotal evidence in Mrs Jack Sprat's case clearly indicated an early diagnosis of Hyperlipidemia, possibly genetic, but more likely environmental, with all the attendant classic risk factors (arteriosclerosis, thrombosis, diabetes, stroke etc). Initial treatments recommended: folic acid (to reduce Homocysteine levels), lifestyle changes (more exercise), treatment with HMG-CoA reductase inhibitors (to be carefully monitored) and divorce.
Kim's unequivocal evidence shows that nursery rhymes should be banned from all schools, shopping centres, libraries and pubs which serve children. O'ill 'ave moin in ba'er, Guv!
"Hey diddle diddle" was actually penned by William Shakespeare at the age of 17. In Tudor times, the pornographic content of this ditty was considered so great that he was banned from 10 different counties, and was a great court favourite.
A loaf of bread strike has just begun in Derbyshire, with all members of the Loaves, Bloomers and Rolls Union downing crumbs and walking out of breadbins to join sad, defenceless and rather short-lived picket lines on a main road in Matlock.
Catnip was invented by time travelling mice in the year 3416 and was inserted into the timeline as a practical joke on their archrivals the cats. Unfortunately the joke backfired when lack of evolutionary pressure from the stoned cats no longer chasing mice meant that mice never developed opposable thumbs or intelligence.
Actually, electricity is caused by tiny hamsters running very very fast. Fuses therefore consist of tiny bridges - if too many hamsters try to cross the bridge at any one time, the bridge breaks and no current flows.
The stock market is a lie. If a billion shares are sold, then a billion must also be bought. Therefore, the Dow Jones is just a fantasy perpetrated by gamblers in Las Vegas who bet on the activities of the gullable public.
[carbonated pork drink] </lie> Jones Soda (a U.S. brand, dunno if you can get it in the U.K.) put out a Turkey & Gravy flavor for Thanksgiving. Not unexpectedly, it's pretty awful. <lie>
I love driving to work in the snow, especially before the sun comes up. It's what I do to relax. When I'm stuck in a ditch, I'm at peace with the world.
I'm not too happy about the government’s 'Five-a-day' campaign. I can only just manage twice, and then I need a cup of malted milk and two hours rest in between.
After their recent merger, Santa Incorporated has requested that all wish-lists be filed in triplicate, no later than November first. Shipping will be provided by FedEx.
Santa is thinking of relocating the operation. It seems that the business world is changing and he needs to have a presence in several different countries. The elves have threatened to strike, believing that it's just a plot to keep them from forming a union.
Driving Miss Tickle is widely credited with being the inspiration behind JG Ballard's Crash. Both films feature a large number of RTAs; in the former because Miss Tickle can't stop tickling her chauffeur. JG Ballard develops an altogether more adult theme for his short novel.
[BtD] Three Little Misses from school is one of the better known ones, although they looked rather odd in traditional Japanese dress, on account of their having no necks.
Misters Sneeze, Clever, Slow, Grumble, Happy, Silly and Lazy have signed up as cast for Snow White and the Seven Mr. Men but they're still looking for a lead actress. Rumours are that Britney Spears is looking for a challenging role.
< / l i e > George Bush was recently beaten in an intelligence test by a monkey. < l i e>Hargreaves has recently had to fight to get a controversial contemporary new book published called Little Mr Miss - the publishers felt it was a little too much information for children, and bought Madonna's book instead.
[Wol] Very dull image isn't it? Once I dreamt I was a butterfly, then I awoke and now I don't know if I'm a man who dreamt he was a butterfly, or if there's a natural reason for me to be fluttering about in midair like this.
We now know that Rudolph's red nose was a result of a condition brought on by alcohol abuse. Rudolph was so lonely, being cut out of all those reindeer games, that he hit the bottle, and hard. Happily, his chance to lead the sleigh in the snow gave him a new lease on life. He later joined a twelve-step program and is in his fiftieth year of sobriety. His nose is now bloated, but a pinkish grey.
In an attempt to make Dickens more accessible to the modern youth, all editions of A Christmas Carol are being reprinted with Scrooge's famous words altered to "**** that for a game of soldiers".
Scientists sifting the rubble of a desert hillside in Ethiopia have discovered a trove of crab shells 2 1/2 million years old that may reveal the first direct link between shrimps and the earliest members of our true human lineage. This new found crustacean species, still far more lobster than human, could include the very first beings on Earth to use sellotape. That technology marked a major turning point on the long evolutionary path toward modern Homo sapiens, the scientists say.
Just because it's just before three in the morning is not a valid excuse for going to bed - regardless as to what may have occurred within the last twenty four hours.
"Nuuuuuh" is the highest possible scoring word in the Turkish version of Scrabble, with a total of 540.5 points, but it's only possible to play it once every 10 years, dependent on the phases of the moon.
< / l i e > [Kim] Was that a lie? < l i e> Tinsel can support the weight of an adult human dangling out of a window from it 3 storeys up. I know, I've tried it.
After a great deal of pain and healing I still love her and would like to see it he possibility exists for a reconciliation ,however Im very skeptical and quite clearly anxiouse ....never the less i am drwan to the possibility desoiteb the horrible errors that were committed
Club 1830 is a group of 19th Century enthusiasts who gather together every couple of years to re-enact the Committee stages of the repeal of the Corn Laws.
I once found a perfect match - perfect in dimension, colour, composition and chemical balance. I kept it mounted in a glass frame above my living room window but it was reclaimed by the bailiffs three years ago, who discovered that it had been crafted in the workshops of Alexander the Great, and it now stands in the Hall of Fame in the Museum of Pyrotechnics in Droitwich.
I conducted extensive research and realised that the Latin, Greek, Cyrillic and Arabic alphabets have never been patented, nor any other existing systems of recording language or numerology. My patent for all of them came through today, which also means that I get paid for all patents. I am now *minted* and am dictating to a secretary as my fingers are far too valuable to waste on such menial tasks as typing.
Alan Titchmarsh is to star in a new programme called 'Gardeners Whirled'. In the first programme Charlie Dimmock will spend 10 minutes in a tumble drier.
I was wandering through the wilderness in North America some years ago now on one of my naturist breaks, but I am very worried as I have a serious body hair problem about which I am very sensitive, and I have just heard that video footage of me had been in circulation for some time now. I want all copies recalled, and I object strongly to the names I have been called. I would also like to apologise to anyone who caught sight of me in a similar fashion in the Himalayas, or skinny-dipping in the Scottish Highlands, and for any undue distress it may have caused. Oh, and if my habit of practicing with my luminous frisbees at night has brought about any annoyance, I express my sincerest regrets for that too. And Mr Presley also sends his humblest apologies.
All my presents are now wrapped and sitting neatly under the Christmas tree, and my mother has finally managed to stick to her word and not buy too many things.
[blame] Buying a new motherboard isn't nearly as much fun as finding a proper heatsink for it. Ne'er to worry, tho, since the heatsink that comes with the CPU *always* works with your motherboard.
[Angus} A motherboard is a traditional flat plank of wood that an honoured family elder is laid upon when they pass out after too much sherry, and a heatsink is simply a combination of a radiator and a sink, to gently dry dishes, keep washing up water hot and stop that nasty cold metal sensation you get when touching, er, cold metal. But then you knew that, as you said.
You lyin' get! I don't believe you. In any case, I'm here to tell you that I've been appointed to the task of choosing the ladies for next year's Pirelli Calendar. Any suggestions, while I hear the likes of Rosie et al, seething with jealousy?
I tire of hearing about Pirelli impersonators, Angus, but it sounds like you're on a roll. Here's a true story though, I swear. The other day I ordered a twelve inch Marguerita with thin topping, and it was delivered by a welshman with a receding hairline. That's what you get for ringing Dai Allopecia.
I have both a right shower and a left shower. This saves time and water in the mornings, as if one side of me is clean I only need shower the other side.
the merger of the Probation and Prison Service will finally eliminate all offending behaviour as we know it; to the extent that people will no longer blabber on pointlessly to eachother in shop doorways just as you are trying to exit/enter (delete as applicable) in stylish haste.
15-year-old cats are in the prime of life and any illness is due to mistreatment by their carers! I hope s/he's all right, Tina - I lost my 17-year-olds a year or two ago)
Fly-by-night forumla one driver Jensen Button will always be much better known for his resmeblance to Benjamin Disraeli than for winning the world championship 9 times in a row.
I purchased Bristol by mistake when I was out trying to find my Mum a birthday present. It's still in its original wrapping but they won't take it back, and now I've nowhere to put it.
I, too, purchased Bristol, but I bought a cheap model and it broke down. I chose to play a prank on The South by putting it on the border of Virginia and Tennessee...but they didn't get it. Note that Bristol, Tennessee has the stupidest NASCAR track in the country. Whoever believes that 43 cars on a half-mile-long, 36-degree-banked paperclip must be insane.
I don't want to re-write my last sentence to say "Note that Bristol, Tennessee has the stupidest NASCAR track in the country. Whoever believes that 43 cars on a half-mile-long, 36-degree-banked paperclip is proper racing and good entertainment must be insane."
Argh! There was a sale on today, and they were selling the matching Bristol! I was blinded by low prices and now I have a pair of Bristols and no idea what to do with them!
Its amazing what you can find in the back of the fridge when you eventually get round to clearing it out. This morning I found a roll of parchment in a ceramic jar, a rather small horse, three evacuees and the Mars-lander ‘Beagle’.
I once discoverd a herd of miniture Highland cattle wandering around inside my bread bin. It was some time later that I found out I had sprinkled my chips with Benilyn instead of vinegar!
An uncooked turkey neck will, if left in the back of the refrigerator for three to four months, turn into a live squirrel. These squirrels are quite content to remain in their refrigerator habitat, provided you give them a scarf and four tiny mittens. Of course, you must also allow them the run of the vegetable and fruit drawer.
Whilst my armchairs are stuffed with horsehair, my sofa contains the rest of the animal, which makes it slightly unpleasant to sit on in the summer months.
The exam I feel I did best at in my whole life was my GCSE Greek. I had revised for weeks you see, and I cared very deeply about what happened to Demosthenes and his pals. I also knew Homer's Iliad off by heart.
My life has just been cheered up by the appearance of something called the "RealOne Message Center" in the corner of my screen. Why, I was so glad to stop what I was doing and read about special offers and deals especially selected for me! I have a warm fuzzy feeling just thinking about the programmer who came up with such a sweet idea, and I sure felt sad when I had to close the window and go back to what I was doing.
Highwaymen still terrorise the major thoroughfares of England, Their horses can't keep up with the motorway traffic, but they draw scary pictures on their handkerchiefs and wave them at motorists.
Like "Budapest", the word "London" is a concatenation of the names of the two cities that make it up. Lon is a high city, where rich folk gather in white clothes to play heavenly music on glass harmonicas, whereas Don, low down and poor, is mostly brown, full of rats and unattended babies.
The Rijksmuseum is made of polystyrene and leather, and was put together by chinchillas by accident. Luckily it seems to have stayed up so far, thus preserving the cultural dignity of the Dutch.
On January 14th, 1911, Gustav Klimt gathered the whole population Vienna together in Josefsplatz and taught them to tap dance, a skill which was used to devastating effect in the subsequent Great War, and which is retained by every local even today.
The stated aim of NASA is to make it possible to swing on a star and carry moonbeams home in a jar. It expects to achieve this within about eight years.
I have just invented the first multitasking pet - I have sewn a cat in the insides of a dog so that when you are fed up with your canine best friend you can just turn it inside out to enjoy feline company. Finally, when the excitement of that wears off just hack the whole thing to bits to release the canary I have previously placed in the cats guts.
If stranded in the desert, it is useful to know that in its hump a dromedary carries a map, a sleeping bag, some cotton reels and a small porcelain figurine.
[DrQ - oi! I've already done that one!] The sun is going through the teenage years, and as such will start going round the other way, just to be contrary. It is also planning to get a tattoo.
Swiss cheese was invented in 1804 by a Canadian gentleman named Mr. Albert Swee. It was originally marketed under the gimmick "Swee's Cheese", but when the idea was taken abroad, the presentations were confused by the French accent and one newspaper ran the headline in its gourmet section pronouncing "Swiss Cheese" to be the Next Big Thing. As with the Spice Girls' nicknames (invented around the same time), the name stuck but its origins were never remembered, and poor Mr Swee was consigned to the annals of history, along with the bits out of the middle of the cheese.
Spartacus' real name was Frederick Ivanovich Snook. He named himself after a dog he had befriended as a very small boy. The dog later changed its name to Prince.
The elusive eighth wonder of the world was a actually series of three houses in Denmark constructed entirely by chance by three amall porcine creatures searching in the woods for truffles. So remarkable were these aedifications considered that an entire city was built up around the site, attracting early tourism. Contrary to popular legend, these buildings remained intact for centuries until burnt down by a freak forest fire fanned by gale force winds.
In Luxembourg a goat has been balancing a chinese girl called Mai Xing on its nose for 5 continuous years. In another 3 years, 8 months and 24 days, they will together break the World Record for Female Ethnic Minority Group Member Balancing Act Performed By A Living Creature Other Than A Seal category.
"Biffo the bear" and "Muffin the mule" were signs that had to be taken down at our local zoo as there were so many resulting arrests and/or fatalities around the exhibits.
Meanwhile, in Differdange, a quadruped who goes by the moniker 1010,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 has his eyes on invading the north of France.
The Hebrides were one of many sites of a giant, ancient Atlantan theme park empire. Once the careless fools lost the city, which went down in legend, the parks' attractions were gradually dismantled and their origins became confused (as with the pronunciation of their names). Some features are actually still in existence today - the giant multi-faceted Slides in Egypt (later used for storage), the entrances to the Hall of Mirrors on Salisbury Plain, some of the original models from the Ghost Train on Easter Island, and the World's Largest Hot Tub in Arizona, to name but a few.
Regrettably, ZK, Australia falls into the same stew pot. Full of backward pickpockets and strange beings imported from far and wide it reflects the utter decadance of years and empires past. Most of it has fallen into disrepair; Ayres Rock no longer does, the Great Barrier Reef hasn't tied a knot in years, Darwin grew but has never evolved, Broome seems to survive Nature's vagaries and refuses to be swept away, the Sunshine Coast is where it rains all the time these days, the Central Coast simply isn't, Newcastle doesn't even have an old one (I assume someone nicked it in the interim) and, just to prove the point, Jackson Bay Port is no longer available. Sheesh!
I apologise for the falling sea-levels worldwide. I was swimming in North Norfolk and accidentally pulled out the plug with my foot. By the time I could invent the equipment that enabled me to put it back, we had lost rather a lot of water, although somewhat fortunately, I think that it had permanently extinguished Mount Vesuvius.
British law requires that all leaseholders making over one pound a year must gift the Crown with two sheep, three dogs or a cow every February 29th. While the law has not been enacted of late, Gordon Brown is considering reintroducing it.
I have not been re-reading my previous threads and worrying that I don't remember posting some of them. This would seem to indicate that my sleep patterns are currently a model to all.
I am devastated that tuition fees are being implemented following my departure from university. < / lie > (Well I kinda should be, I've got 2 younger sisters to go yet) < l i e >
Lemon trees are part of an extraterrestrial race that came to earth in search of water. Unfortunately they weren't banking on the human race finding squeezing their reproductive organs and adding sugar quite so tasty. After a long conference on the Moon they decided that it was a necessary sacrifice if it ensured the contribution that Men bring to the survival of their kind in effortless replanting, watering, feeding etc on their part. Every once in a while one of them will get a little rebellious and dig up somebody's garden.
There is also no chance at all that the last received signals from it are weak on account of the fact that one of the Martians is using its power supply to charge his moible phone.
The Universe is no more than twelve days old, according to new results from the University of Pontefract. However, some scepticism has been expressed about these findings since they are based on measurements from instruments made entirely of licorice.
The name "Keith" means "holy bearer of fruit gums" in no fewer than forty three and a half of the world's languages. Maggie Philbin was said to be "unsurprised".
Chupa Chups were discovered in a secret temple in the jungles of Borneo and were a gift from visiting interstellar mongoose people. Only the quince Chupa Chup is native to the Earth, but it has been extinct for many years.
"The worm has turned" is a reference to mediæval pornographic literature in which... well, suffice it to say that the word "worm" should not be taken literally.
"The tern has wormed" is an extract from an ancient Egyptian sourcebook of vetinary science and ornithology, although everyone is very confused as to whether this was a particularly clever bird in question or if it is just a mistranslation.
Irish bars in New York, in an effort to dispel the common American stereotype that all Irishmen are consistently drunk, have all sold out to Starbucks.
St Patrick did not chase all the snakes from Ireland. He missed four of them who were hiding in a gooseberry bush. They have been breeding ever since, and now form an army 30,000 which is preparing to take over, just as soon as they can figure out how to work an Uzi with no opposable thumb.
The good Rev. once attempted to find his (snake) in order that it might act as an interpreter. This was unsuccessful as it seemed to have p****d off. ... I know, I know .... coat!
Tiramisu used to be a form of punishment in the West Indes. The Italians stole the basic idea, added cocoa powder and sold it as a dessert. The West Indians are now thoroughly peeved for not patenting the concept, and are considering detonating an eclair bomb at the Medittaranean.
Marie Curie invented Friday in the 1800's. Since then all books, diaries etc have been altered to cover this and make it look like there was always a Friday.
I have no objections to spending many many hours preparing my work for university over the weekend, coming back and realising I've left the bulk of it at home. Oh no. I find it highly amusing and intend to tell everyone what a laugh riot it was when I found out, and what a good mood I'm in now.
Janet Jackson's latest behaviour is a shining example of freedom of expression and is the best possible thing she could have done for her family's profile at the present time.
< / l i e > [ZK] That's the last time I go near any ducks! Are you sure about the bazookas?< l i e > "And" is the longest word in the Oxford English Dictionary.
The "faceplant" is so named for the nice leafy patterns which the first plantee, a Mr Roger "Big Air" Turnbull, received on his forehead after landing rather forcefully in a gravel patch to the side of the downhill trail section he was riding on at the time (although perhaps "on" is not precisely the right word). This is fortunate, since Mr Air's colleague, a Ms Katherine "Radikal K" Foster landed in the same patch of gravel mere moments later and ended up with an intricate engraving of two dogs, ahem, fighting on her cheek.
I was not shocked at the longevity of an argument between two of my colleagues about the relative merits of rosemary and basil. It did not last for the best part of a year, though by the end it had not just degenerated to shouting the names of the two herbs across rooms.
ZK] Well, the former colleague became a doctor in Bath and discovered a cure-all stronger than panacea made from Rosemary, whereas the latter is now Bicycle Repair Man, so take your pick!
Nor am I worried about your ability to participate in said pantomime. Nor, indeed, have I ever performed in a pantomime, let alone one with a terrifyingly short amount of time remaining and a hideously underprepared cast.
The Mars Rovers are designed to look for oil. When found, President Dubya will declare war on the Martians to remove their madman...uh...madthing...uh...wutever...dictator.
With the Steelers, Penguins, and Pirates all playing exceptionally well over the past year, there has been absolutely no local coverage of the Pitt Panthers' basketball team lately. Just as well; they've lost all-but-two games.
I have a pet worm, and I have named him Willy. I often stretch my Willy between two lamp-posts when the wind is blowing strongly. When the wind hits the right resonant frequency, my Willy starts to vibrate, creating a tuneful humming noise that can be heard for miles around. My worm is safely at home whenever I do this.
Ironically bungalows have no storeys, but are some of the worst raconteurs known to achitecture. Apparently their delivery is too flat and they are prone to stairing.
I once shared my Frosties with Angus Deayton, which was a very peculiar experience. All I remember of it now is the sudden appearance of Tom Parker-Bowles wearing nothing but an iguana, which promptly had its head eaten off by Ozzy Osbourne. All parties concerned have reliably informed me this was true, even the iguana. I found that just plain confusing.