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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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If you try dialling my phone number in binary, you get through to the emu house at London Zoo.
The emu house at London Zoo is pink and shaped like a windmill.
Flamingos are really swans. But someone put them in the wash with a Man Utd shirt on 'non-fast coloureds' instead of 'delicates' and they emerged all lumpy, stretched-out and pink. [ ... had to be done. Ref. laundry - Banter & Limericks].
And by the same process, but with shrinking, we get red pandas.
Edwina Currie washed John Major's y-fronts with an octopus.
That last statement makes perfect sense.
My old man's a dustman.
The day Wednesday was invented by Lloyd Anderson, an industrialist from Kentucky.
Andrew Lloyd Webber invented cheese.
Tim Rice egged him on.
Goats' cheese can cure fifteen known major diseases, and thirty-seven unknown minor ones.
The electric lightbulb was invented 20 years before electricity was discovered.
The Electric Light Bulb were a pop/prog-rock band in the late 70's and early 80's. Their stadium performances were renowned for their stunning light shows.
I have just written a children's book called The Ninety Day Quest of Salif Ramak.
The term "progressive rock" was coined from an NME article when they described the experience of listening to an early Marillion album as: "like swallowing a small rock and feeling it progress through your intestines until it bursts out of your bum bringing with it all the putrid garbage that it gathered along the way"
Tea did not spurt copiously from my nose when reading Huxleys posting.
I didn't do any spurting and what's more - this game doesn't amuse me in the least.
I am not amused. Being a progressive rock fan, I have no sense of humour.
I didn't just scan in a copy of a local takeaway menu and install it as wallpaper on the PC of my absent colleague.
For the second time today, tea did not spurt copiously from my nose when reading the previous posting.
The screen saver on my PC is a video of Bob the Dog spurting tea copiously from his nose set to a progressive rock soundtrack.
The English city of York was named after New York City in the US.
Windsor castle was built close to Heathrow Airport to allow tourists easy access via the M4.
David Blaine switches with a stunt double at 6:00 every evening so that he can have tea and watch the news.
Due to rising land values, The City has been relocated from central London to a disused quarry in Devon.
My application to join the Girl Guides was finally approved today. I start next Monday, with a troop in Renfrewshire.
Coffee plus more coffee equals tea.
BigMac - Roadkill = Bread
If you lick an electric socket, it'll cure you of asthma. (You won't have to worry about breathing any more - guaranteed!)
Everything I say rhymes.
The highest quality taramasalata is pink because of the extra fingers that went into the mincer.
Rhyme doesn't pay
Rhyme for sale! Rhyme for sale! Buy it by the metre!
I am pro-joy.
I am Indifferenttojoy.
I am a girl
I type at four hundred words a minute, which is why I have a buckling spring Assault Keyboard on my desk.
[Angus] Is there something you're not telling me? I don't even have a modem!
Beanz doez not mean fartz.
I tried going to work on an egg, once.
If you want to get a head, don't get a hat but invest in a guillotine instead.
I was contracted to appear as one of the lambs in The Silence of the Lambs, but I got myself fired for making impassioned out-of-character speeches and singing old Goodies hits.
I'm sorry that I made such a hash of running the universe today.
I'm not.
I spend most weekends dressed as a forlorn tikka cheese and chutney sandwich at the back of the fridge in the local Spar.
Projoy's last statement would fit nicely into the lyrics of The Lonely Goat Herd and would scan if you left out the word 'trumpet'.
Actually, it wouldn't scan if the barcode was all scrunched up.
I'm really busy at work.
All cheese is watching your every move.
Everyone in my family except me has a diploma in advanced footstamping from the Milk and Fisheries Enterprise Council
Country dancing is about the most powerful form of protest against society. It has been employed to devastating effect in eight of this country's most successful coups.
Only one starfish has ever risen to cabinet rank in this country, and this is principally down to the fact that starfish are unable to speak, write, debate, frame legislation, understand a ministerial brief or be bound by any kind of collective responsibility.
I don't have time to read or even smile at all the recent entries because I'm still working my socks off.
Folk music is vastly improved by sticking your finger into someone else's ear.
Boolbar has just described how and why the phrase waxing lyrical came into being.
Hash browns are so named for their resemblance to rapid access data structures. Other delicious choices for breakfast treats include linked list greens and array yellows.
"La plume de ma tante est dans le bureau de mon oncle" is loosely translated as "My aunt and uncle are at it like knives."
I like knives *slithery laugh*
I like slithering!
So do ophidiophobists.
Most wild Australian snakes are harmless, easy to catch and make excellent pets.
He who drinks Australian thinks clearly.
I'm asleep.
Nightmares sort out the problems of the day and leave you bright and fresh in the morning.
I'm still asleep. I don't have to wake up at 5 AM.
Captain Titus Oates came back in a few minutes later and said, 'Blimey it's a bit nippy out there, I best take me coat'.
Somewhere in the sprawling metropolis - in his secret laboratory - an evil wrongdoer is hatching a dark plot to become the queen and rule the world. Could this be another job for “Security Hamster”?
Donald Rumsfeld has trained 30,000 security hamsters in the last three months.
By a remarkable co-incidence, 30,000 is also the my annual take-home pay.
30,000 is my annual take-home pay too. I am paid in groats.
I am paid in quarks, which makes me a multi-multi-trillionaire.
30,000 groats is worth about 50p in stirling, or 534,678 in Euros.
I am also paid in Quark, but I have run out of chilled storage space for any more processed cheese.
I come from a long-established line of mongers. My family have been mongers for as long as anyone can remember. My father is a fishmonger, his father was an ironmonger and his father before him was a costermonger. My mother was an accomplished rumour- and scandalmonger but the spin-doctor said she had to give it up on account of her back. I thought I would go into domainmongering but my dad says its a flash in the pan and the real money is in war.
The rise of Donald Rumsfeld was foretold by Nostradamus, the ancient Mayans, the Book of Revelations, and the 12th June 1973 edition of 'Womens Weekly'.
Somewhere in the unfashionable suburbs, an attractive and scantily clad female has been trapped in the attic of a burning warehouse as part of a plot to swindle her inheritance. Could this be a job for "Fire-fighter Guinea-pig"?
I am diary secretary to Fire-fighter Guinea-pig and I am working very hard for little pay.
Meanwhile in Cricklewood, the Fire-fighter Guinea-pig's arch-nemesis, the Combustible Shrew, is hatching a plot for his rival's demise. And his diary secretary gets paid a lot
Schopenhauer had forty-three ducks and enjoyed chasing them around a lake in a long Benny-Hill style line.
Each day I calculate my position in relation to BBC Broadcasting House using Pythagorus' Theorem.
After being made redundant from Playschool, Hamble joined the police force and is now a detective inspector.
Mutton can be used as paper.
If you find you appreciate art too much, your best bet is to take an anaesthetic.
[Projoy] Does calculating your position using Pythagoras' Theorem involve using a right East Anglian?
Most Roman mosaics are actually massive Rubik's Cubes that have gone stiff and settled in one configuration. The pictures they appear to show are projections from the viewers mind.
"A right East Anglian" is a euphemism in the church for anyone who routinely appoints gay bishops.
My bishop has been deceased since 1985 but still says Sunday mass with the aid of a truss, two vicars, and a ventriloquist.
Conifer trees are very militaristic. During the cold war, hundreds volunteered to leap into the Arctic Ocean and scud around under the Polar ice cap looking for enemy submarines.
Privet bushes can reach speeds of nearly 200mph on the flat.
Pot Noodles are highly nutritious
They are also deadly when armed with a straw and a small handful of frozen peas
Frozen peas should under no circumstances be defrosted without adequate radiation shielding and a written promise from the President of the US that they won't view it as a hostile act.
Somewhere in the derelict gothic red-brick tenement zone of Bromsgrove City, a wicked gang hides in a dark alleyway, awaiting the faltering step of a dear old lady as she leaves the Post Office with her £27.50 pension. Could this be another case for “Judgement Squirrel”?
Kate Bush fans were entirely responsible for the great Cadbury's Fruit and Nut shortage of 1989.
A group of hungry badgers were entirely responsible for the great Kate Bush fan shortage of 1996.
Kate Bush was entirely responsible for the chain of Pop Music Reeducation Centres which were implicated in literally several cases of enforced induction of Duran Duran fans into the Kate Bush fan club using highly sophisticated brainwashing techniques. Said one escapee, "It was awful. I will never be able to go near any windy moors again without flashbacks." The trial continues.
When Kate Bush ran as the Democratic candidate for the US presidency in 2001, one witty pundit was heard to remark "Great - now there's a bush in both camps!".
Ex-president Clinton would have known what to do with a Bush.
Duran Duran were entirely responsible for the recent trend in repetition - see 'Education, Education, Education', 'Location, Location, Location' and 'Iain, Duncan, Smith'
They are also responsible for "Titty titty, bum, bum".
And "Papa's Got A Head Like A Ping Pong Ball"
A squirrel was recently voted as an MEP representing Latvia after the previous encumbent had a heart attack after seeing a man being run over by a tram.
[Tuj] Typo there, you missed out the last 'p'. Some homeless men in Riga can reach a weight of three and a half tonnes.
The square root of an octagon is a rhombus.
I have just abandoned my career and gone to live as a chimbley sweep in Pembroke.
Stendahl had three knees.
No news is Japanese theatre information.
Somewhere in the dark mid-Atlantic, far from the hurricane battered West Cornwall shoreline, a small inflatable dinghy packed with boy scouts has developed a slow puncture. Could this be another job for "Lifeboat Badger"?
Boy scouts, when packed into a deflatable dinghy, look just like sardines on toast.
Cojones are a type of tomato, that taste lovely with lettuce.
Cojones were used against St. Paul when he sent lettuce to the Corinthians.
The Corinthians, however, were on the Atkins diet, and would only eat Romaine.
A boy scout on a raft is American short-order cook language for a poached egg on toast.
Scrambled egg on toast never goes cold.
Dujon] I see you've misspelled 'Scambled egg' again.
The Indian Ocean has a catflap.
Women do not have muscles; they locomote as spiders do, by redistributing the blood pressure in blood vessels around the joints.
I exploded again today.
Raak's comment didn't give me the heebie jeebies.
Lilith Hebden-Bowles was a celebrated monkey parlour singer in the forties, and was ground down and converted into sheet music when she died.
Somewhere on a busy Wolverhampton freeway a Cadburys tanker has shed its load of Crème Egg filler, halting the progress of a chilled juggernaut carrying an express consignment of penguins for Dudley Zoo. Could this be another job for "Traffic chinchilla"?
Bob the dog's next posting will have nothing to do with "Paramedic Shrew". ;)
. . . . and it won't include the words "jelly" and "foghorn".
Triangles don't have three sides. It's all a government conspiracy.
Gerbils are remarkable propagandists.
Hamsters are better because of their ability to pouch bad news.
Michael Parkinson is controlled using a sophisticated fly-by-wire system operated by Matthew Corbett.
I have never used a computer.
Parabolas are used in the hunting of free fall parachutists.
Somewhere in the orange scented tapestry booth behind Wesley's 'Bring and Break' emporium, "Paramedic Shrew" struggles to free herself from the clutches of an evil lime flavoured Jelly Foghorn. Could this be another job for "Surreal Anteater"?
[BtD] Obviously not.
Meanwhile, in other news, smoking has been proven good for you by scientists in Peru. They have also proved the existence of "Fnnergahl", but they haven't conclusively proven what it is yet.
My mum let me store tramps urine in my wardrobe, mind you I thought it was cider until I drank it. It tasted a lot better than cider.
Humpty Dumpty jumped off the wall because he was a crack addict.
According to the latest conspiracy theory the men belonging to the 'grand' old Duke of York did not return.
Marmosets taste of liquorice.
I haven't been missing Fat German's contributions to this game...
The French word for Germany is "Alopecia".
Bob the Dog's next posting will not include the words "jaffa", "igneous", or "Marmoset".
Kim's previous posting does not include the words "jaffa", "igneous", or "Marmoset".
I have never, and never intend to, use the word "Fruit".
Improper use of fruit in a built-up area contravenes the Ten Commandments.
Orange plantations on the boarders of Mt Kracatoa take advantage of natural geothermal energy to produce the world's first environmentally sustainable marmalade. However, this enerprise is threatened by a blockage of solidified rock that has caused the production to cease. This is probably a job for "Igneous Jaffa Marmoset".
Inserting a marmoset into an orange produces enough electricity to power a personal organiser.
I don't like this game. I'm not going to join in.
I'm not going home now.
The airbags in the new Rover 75 are made of the same material as Christopher Biggins.
Candyfloss is the best insulator for lofts.
In sh*t the * is pronounced uh.
I have Lord Byron's bicycle. It looks exactly like a book called "Java in a Nutshell", but that is a merely accidental property, its fundamental essence being that of Lord Byron's bicycle. It has previously been a terrapin living in Smolensk, a cigar smoked by Churchill, and the Pope's third-best mitre.
<singing>
I want to ride Lord Byron's bicycle, I want to ride Lord Byron's bike.
I want to ride Lord Byron's bicycle!, I want to ride it where I like!
</singing>
I promise never to sing in here again.
In Thailand, squirrel kebabs doused in Ovaltine are the official snacks consumed by the upper class. They also spit on their own toenails for good luck.
I am Spartacus
COnventional museum display techniques have this week been lambasted by the Internation Conference of Curators. The conference broke up with a determination by all delegates that henceforth they will put the biggest thing at the bottom then put something slightly smaller on top of that, and so on, until they reach the ceiling.
There are only 10 insects in the whole world, it's all done with mirrors.

The following is a good way to keep fit at work and is an excellent method for attracting a potential husband/wife.

1) Tune your radio or PC tuner to BBC Radio 2 and wait for the next light tune to start
2) Stand next to your radio or PC, feet apart, knees bent, back straight 3) Slowly tip your head from side to side
4) After about 30 seconds, gradually raise your arms to shoulder height, fists clenched
5) Keeping your arms raised, wiggle your little fingers in time with the music
6) Screw up your face making sure to pucker your mouth (think ‘dog’s bottom’)
7) Being careful to keep your face like this, sing the lyrics for ‘Wired for Sound’ by Cliff Richard (ignore the music on the radio)
8) Start to move around the room, knees bent, elbows waggling with your little fingers
9) At the end of the music, raise your arms over your head and shout ‘YEAH!’.
I am not wearing a gnome's hat and ears, attached by elastic under my chin.
'Tea and cucumber' is my favourite sandwich filler.
Suddenly I find that I no longer fear for Tuj' sanity.
Halloween derives from the ancient custom of introducing yourselves to your neighbours as winter draws in so that anyone who is new to the area following the summer's inevitable house churn will have someone to talk to over the long cold season.
Pumpkins are elastic and can be expanded by vigorous inflation with a bicycle pump.
The rare orange pumpkin is considered a delicacy in certain parts of the USA, when it is eaten raw with a sprinkling of anchovy. The more common purple pumpkin is only edible when combined with jalapeno peppers and a small amount of carob paste to make rissoles.
Pumpkin carving only became popular in Latvia after it was discovered to ward against the visits of Jehovah's Witnesses.
I have a giant pumpkin for a head. I need to carve out eyes for myself every morning because they heal over when I go to sleep.
That was too disturbing - I shan't post anything more about pumpkins now.
Pumpkins are just a large form of nutmeg which arose after colonists attempted to interbreed that delicious spice with plains buffalo in order to have pre-tenderised meat. Wild pumpkin herds are almost extinct now, though, following a devastating outbreak of rind and pip disease.
My mother uses a pumpkin as a bowling ball. It tends to leak a bit on its way down the lane, but it makes for a delicious snack as it is served up by the ball return machine.
Plenty more where those came from!
Pumpkins are giant amoebæ with bad cholesterol.
I am the Queen.
I am a Queen.
We are the Queen
We are the champions
...of the Commonwealth... (thank you TBT)
...Games.
Scientific high-vacuum equipment rely on colonies of microscopic vacuum squirrels, that gather and horde the molecules from the air.
I tried to manage a haunted house once, but could only eek out a living.
I have never eeked in my life and even peeking is not in my nature.
It is now an hour earlier than you think it is (UK only).
I am Tiger Woods
I am one of Tiger Woods' woods.
My digital camera has got five fingers. For recreational purposes, it regularly visits Harrods and indulges in a little light pick-pocketing.
My dog is well behaved and has never de-carpeted the entire hallway.
Rip Torn was a carpet salesman; he sold snakes.
To render the stunning special effects sequences for the Matrix trilogy, FX production company ESC used 12 Commodore 64's located in a custom built facility in San Fransisco. Each machine generated frames that were stored, in compressed form, on a 5 1/4 inch floppy disk. The resulting 632,000 disks were subsequently airlifted to a second facility for the final composite work. The rendering process at the San-Fransisco facility took 12 years.
I thought the Matrix Sequel was well worth watching.
Diamond Geezers are a girl's best friend.
I do not have to go to work soon.
[Tuj] I am always an hour earlier than you think.
Rather than reset my clocks and video, I just moved the sun forward 15 degrees in the sky.
Boolbar] My sun won't do this. You have to wind it back a complete year until you end up at the right time.
The old analogue sun was replaced in March this year. If you look carefully, you will notice that the sun now moves in 1 degree jumps.
[FG] You're kidding! It was dreadful!
I run my the power of the moon, so during the daytime I have to sleep in a coffin to avoid the harmful sun.
I, too, run by the power of the moon. I have a small diesel generator in my arse.
I'm currently retrofitting it to run off methane, so that I can eat a bowl of chili and sell the remaining wattage.
It's not so much that my hovercraft is full of eels, as that the eels just won't let go of the steering.
It's not so much that I want you to come back to my place bouncy-bouncy, it's just that there's nowhere around here to park the space-hopper.
What would Brian Boitano do? It almost certainly would involve Harris Tweed.
Euphemisms have been outlawed in 30% of Chechnya.
Nell Gwyn's place in history would have been assured if she'd accepted the marriage proposal of either Alexander Graham Bell or Colin Sell. She died, however, content in the knowledge that she'd been immortalised in the opening line of Gray's Elegy.
My boyfriend constantly complains. We're going out tonight for an evening of whining and dining.
The Bolivian Death Marmot, a fearsome little beast, can spray its highly poisonous and corrosive gastric juices up to a distance of ten meters. Nevertheless, brave Death Marmot hunters capture and skin them for their beautiful (and quite valuable) pelts, and when boiled with yams, they can be mashed into a paste that not only cures baldness, but also tastes exactly like buttered popcorn.
Indeed, Riff, in fact - when banged around with a pestel and mortar it's better than viagra; least ways, it is suppose to have certain, err, effects - just as is popcorn in the back row of the cinema, (well, so I'm told.) ... ;-)
Ruckily ri reek rin ra rorral rashion. Reveryrody ran runderrand re.
Ri runderrood revery rord rof rat.
Helicopters fly by repelling the ground away from them because they are so ugly.
My solar plexus stops working when the sun goes in.
All cows are called Colin.
This is how "Colindale" got its name.
All pigs are called Birmingham.
. . . except me.
All chickens have one purple feather just under their left wingpit
I used to own a walking stick which was fluent in fourteen languages. Unfortunately, none of them was English, so I encouraged it to follow an academic career at Leeds University, where it is now a staff professor.
groan.
The equator is far from being an imaginary line -- it is, in fact, the seam where the top half of the Earth unscrews. The interior is used to store fudge.
There is no such thing as pie.
Chain-link fences are woven by large mechanical spiders..
I store a large jug of platypus milk in my hat, just in case of emergencies.
Dunx] My walking stick was crap - it limped.
I suffer from an acute phobia of spignurtles, although fortunately these are not due to be invented until the year 2178.
I am not an American.
I worked at the white House in the 90's. I have the distinction of being the only woman there that Bill Clinton did not hit on. I have to have therapy, as a result.
[Tina]Yes, I remember you from your antics in the ante-room.
Thyme heals all wounds.
Tina] What an amazing coincidence! I also worked at the White House in the 90's. Sadly I had to leave office in January 2001 – after having hit on every woman in my employment except one.
Many people have scoffed at Secretary-of-State and former general Colin Powell for pronouncing his forename with the long 'o' sound, but it is actually a homage to the fact that he has discovered he is descended from one of Louis Pasteur's original specimens of E-Coli. George W. Bush's great-great-great grandfather was actually a sneeze from George Washington's horse.
There is no such thing as America
Chalk is actually fossilized snow.
Riff - you have a poor sense of humour. I am not glad you are posting here.
I'm glad Bob hasn't posted anything about a small mammalian superhero lately.
[Bob] Your words offend me greatly; I rue the day I came here.
Atop the Rotunda, overlooking the dilapidated and crumbling 1960s concrete Bull Ring arcade, evil Birmingham city centre development engineers plot a complete redevelopment of the entire West Midlands into the worlds biggest handbag-shaped shopping experience. Could this be another job for "Planning objection Gerbil"?
I can remember the amusing comment I was going to post here earlier. I don't think it was about IDS.
I discovered America. It happened quite by accident when I was searching the freezer for ice cream.
Mericas come in packs of twenty from you local corner shop. Buy a merica today!
I smoked a Merica once, but I don't remember how it tasted.
A Merica (vintage 2001-present) does not have a taste akin to a pile of cowsh*t.
Amazingly, cowsh*t tastes rather like strawberries.
I wouldn't know, but I'll defer to those who do.
The word 'defecate' is one which should never, ever, be used in print.
"Print" is a word that should never be spoken.
'Print' is a basic function that all computers master first time, and never have any problem with.
Sports commentators go to special schools where they are taught how to form metaphors.
I am not going to post the sentence "I've never metaphor I didn't like".
... as the mathematician said to the slide rule.
I know exactly what I am going to demo in ninety minutes, so I'll just spend a few minutes in here so I am a bit more relaxed.
Deep in the jungles of the Amazon Basin, there is a small tribe of natives that build their huts entirely out of radishes.
I meant to do that.
When I interned at the White House, Hillary Clinton and I spent many careless Sunday afternoons sitting lotus style on the bed in the Lincoln room, playing gin rummy, smoking cigars, and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
In Australia 'peanut butter' is synonymous with 'VegemiteTM' and tastes exactly the same.
The Japanese parliament consists entirely of little robot dogs.
If you peel an onion layer by layer and then put the layers back together in the reverse order you will create an area of space time which Frenchmen and the influence of France cannot penetrate. In this manner you can be near a peeled onion and feel no tears in your eyes at all.
<lie>Halloween is a holiday that is based around embracing scary things, particularly those involving Michael Portillo, the Daily Telegraph, Kenneth Clarke and the mythical Michael Howard. Ghosts, witches, black cats, goblins, banshees zombies, and demons, as well as Dracula and Frankenstein flee in terror on Halloween, when these strange figures are said to rise from the dead. </lie>
George W. Bush will be dressing up as his father tonight and going door to door begging for candy.
Dick Cheney will actually be dressing up as Hans Blix and going rubble-pile to rubble-pile in Tikrit begging for weapons of mass destruction. If he gets any, he'll put them in his secret lair under Pikes Peak.
The road to the top of Pike's Peak is the safest in America and may be driven at high speed with impunity.
You are the only person who can read this. Everyone else thinks it's a picture of the Eiffel Tower.
The Eiffel Tower was built by specially trained miniature french poodles. They were all worked to death, which is why they are now extinct.
I enjoy Halloween - especially having eggs thrown at my window, which I intend to use at a later date for mousaka.
I love Hallowe'en too. I spend the night of October 31st every year sitting atop the Eiffel Tower, talking to the ghosts of the miniature poodles, and launching eggs at Angus Prune's window with my ICBE launcher.
I alse threw eggs at Angus Prune, but missed every time.
Nicholas Parsons merely has to smile at them to heal damaged houseplants.
It is impossible to draw a picture of Michael Howard without the use of a chisel.
It is impossible to draw a picture on Michael Howard without the use of a chisel.
*SNAP* !
My feet are loger than my shins.
LONGER
My fridge is completely full, and I have plenty of money. </whinge>
The quickest way to Birmingham is through the middle of the roadworks on the M6 in rush hour.
The quickest way to Birmingham is to seek enlightenment as a combination cub scout/Buddhist monk, and then get earn a badge in Divinity. Ascend to Nirvana, and turn left.
I am so wonderful at my job, that people dare not look directly at me. Or it could be my lack of sleep.
Sleep is so useless that I never bother using it.
RE: Business Proposal/Partnership Investment

Dear Friend,
I received encouraging information about you and how trust worth you are. I am delighted with such a useful information. I am interested in the partnership investment program with your corporation. First permit me to introduce myself as Governor Sandy Soko of the Western Sahara State in the Democratic Republic of Sahara (A tiny Island in the Desert). Being the chief executive and the governor of my State. I awarded the contract of IRRIGATION to Portuguese Firm worth several millions of dollars.

In the execution of that project the Portuguese Firm discovered large amount of gold in one of the contract site. I collaborated with the Portuguese Firm on a mutual agreement on the proceed of which I have received my share of $65.000,000=(sixty five million dollars).

As the Governor of the Tiny Island, I cannot introduce or circulate this funds into the Sahara banking system considering my provisional duty and the considering the fact that I earn less than $1,000US dollars monthly coupled with the Bureau of conduct guidelines and regulations for Public Civil Servants.

The above situation prompted my decision to give the whole lot to you. I will arrange all necessary procedures. You will find the money in a brown envelope, sellotaped to the plastic giraffe in the children’s play area of Exeter service station.

Best Regards,
Governor Sandy Soko
Western Sahara.
A family of plastic giraffes have just moved in to a mansion just down the road from me.
Ian Duncan Smith is to be plasted into orbit, from where his head will reflect enough sunlight to reduce coldness of the polar night, thereby allowing the polar bears to stay up later and practice football.
s/plasted/blasted/
< lie=" this isn't a shameless crib from Carpe Diem" > The Jedi Gerbil Collective are on a mission to convert the entire meerkat population to Jedi-ism. < /lie >
I am not certifiable.
I feel great!
Buy me now, and get another free (while stocks last).
I have not just sat and read all of Bob the Dog's last post
Hitler was just misunderstood
I have just received a four-page letter from George Bush asking my opinion about the war, the American economy, and Homeland Security.
On January 1st 2000, the town council of Lampshade, Montana unearthed a time capsule that had been buried beneath the City Hall on January 1st 1900. Inside were found an old newspaper, a buggy-whip, three old photographs, a bowler hat, and the entire cast of the 1998 German film Run Lola Run.
(Okay, it's a Lie of the Day, but it was my Lie of the Day.)
There is a place called Hell in Nebraska
The signpost on westbound OR-26 at the junction with highway 212 which points to "Boring Oregon City" is not even slightly amusing.
I can't afford to buy Tuj now. I can't think what to do with the spare one either.
I came home today mentally prepared to begin work and discovered to my surprise that I had already finished it during an idle hour last week.
All Liberal Democrats have a heartening vision of universal freedom, all Labour guys strive to improve the life of the common man and all Conservatives yearn to create a morally upstanding Britain. All voters want to help them.
It's your democratic duty to vote. If everyone voted, we would have a government that would be discernibly superior to the current one.
There is a place called Nebraska in Hell.
There is a house in New Orleans they call the Rising Bun.
Las Vegas is made entirely of dried macaroni and PVA glue
When a penguin is born it must immediately pass an examination in accountancy otherwise it will be forced to become a cormorant.
[pen] I feel safe...
Sawdust is actually a gas. Chemical symbol Sw, it reacts violently with bromine to produce spinach.
similarly, barbecue sauce is the result of a chemical reaction between potassium and shampoo.
Shampoo comes from the ancient Indian word meaning to smother with month-old brie
One can actually achieve a fine brie at home simply by putting a bottle of milk in a tumble dryer on hot for several days.
All things can be tumble dried
The indigenous population of commemorative plaques has been severely diminished by trophy hunters.
Somewhere in the Australian Bush, a man has faked his own death. Could this be a jobb for 'Insurance Fraud Kookabura'?
I suspect that a kookaburra would not laugh at that suggetion.
'suggetion' s/b 'suggestion' - Ruddy 'eck, AP, it's catching!
Ann Widdecombe and Kylie Minogue are, in fact, the same person. (Have you ever seen them in the same room?)
The Tube map is actually at 1:1 scale. The tickets are soaked in a drug that, when absorbed into the skin, causes you to shrink drastically. Don't ever eat one, or you may not return to your proper size at the end of your journey!

Dr.KEITH PEAR
United Bank For Africa PLC,
ILupeju Branch,
Lagos, Nigeria.

I am Dr.KEITH PEAR, Branch Manager with United Bank For Africa,Ilupeju Branch, Lagos, Nigeria. I have an urgent and very profitable business proposition for you that should be handled with extreme confidentiality.
On January 6,1998 a Foreign Consultant and contractor with the Nigerian Railway Corporation Mr. Williams Gambe by name made a numbered time Fixed Deposit for twelve calendar months valued at US$25M (Twenty five Million United States Dollars Only) in my branch. Upon maturity I sent a routine notification in accordance with the Bank policy to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers Nigerian Railway Corporation that Mr. Williams Gambe died from an automobile accident.

On further investigation, we found out that he died without making a Will and all attempts to trace his next of kin was fruitless.

I therefore made further investigations and discovered that Mr. Williams Gambe did not declare any next of kin or relations in all his official documents including his Bank Deposit paperwork in my Bank.

This prompted me to contact you.

I have decided to spend the whole sum on a slap-up meal at ‘Thank God Its Fridays’ in Aston Cantlow with a whole stack of people I’ve never met before.

Will you come?

I await your response urgently.
Regards,
Dr.KEITH PEAR
Yes.
Only if elephant tusks are not on the menu. If this is satisfactory to you please send to me your bank account details in order that we can confirm this in a professional manner.

Signed

Sucker

The Ordnace Survey's next project will be a survey of Peter Stringfellow's scrotal sack.
This will not take very long.
Don't look now, but the building you are in is surrounded by ducks.
This sentence is five words long.
So is this one. And this, too. Even this.
Toblerones are made from the reconstructed nose hairs of 2 week old gorillas
Which is ironic, because gorillas evolved from cheese.
Michael Howard looks certain to lead a wholly reunited Conservative party to an overwhelming General Election victory in 2005.
The entries under the name of "Tuj" are in fact selected highlights of the typings of a million chimpanzees.
Noone typed this. In fact, I do not exist.
I did not type this. I do not own a keyboard, and have to enter words onto the computer by a process involving my brain, a set of jump leads and the scrotum of a passing snapping turtle.
Irony is made, ironically enough, from flakes of Alanis Morisette.
I have no hard drive. I have no memory. I am living in the 80's.
The 80's did not exist. They were just the 70's without bell bottoms.
I still wear flares.
I shot J.R.
And I shot the deputy.
The year is not 2003. It never was and never will be, due to a clerical error at the printers.
Everyone in the UK looks up to, and admires the Royal Family. No-one believes that terrible rumour.
I started the rumour
Spam brings peace through joy
Ponds bring peace through koi.
As ZK undoubtedly knows, as zoos are built up over time by people receiving animals through the mail. Lions require A3 envelopes, but chimpanzees can be sent by freepost.
The Guardian newspaper is printed on recycled dwarves.
Treacle would be able to complete the Times crossword in less than five minutes if it weren't so thick.
Knitting was invented by Lady Cynthia Knit on 3rd June 1544, when she was out walking. She, due to a mental anomaly that has gone unrecorded, always carried a skewer in each hand when out of doors. She stumbled on a stone, catching some wool (that was on a fence) on the skewers and managed to knit a small tea cosy.
Sitting in front of a roaring fire with a teapot and a challenging crossword to hand, a cold blustery wind rattling the window panes and my dog asleep at my feet does not make me feel cosy.
Eurgh! Sounds awful!
I am a member of the royal family.
I also practice cannibalism.
I built a lifesize replica of the lost city of the Incas out of yoghurt pots and lollipop sticks and buried it on the beach at Cromer. Time Team found it and it is now on display in Sidney Opera House.
The tallest building in the world is in Fiji and is constructed on a foundation of 4 million bus tickets.
Buses don't exist
</lie> [AP] You've never been to Pittsburgh, have you? :) <lie>
The Port Authority of Allegheny County is the most efficient mass transit company in the United States.
It is easy to look like a movie star and still eat interesting food.
I don't eat interesting food, but instead befreind it and try to appreciate it as a person
I am in fact dating a King Size Mars Bar
But I'm seeing a white chocolate malteser on the side
You bastard! *sobs*
Mars Bars were at one time believed to be made out of meteorites, however N.A.S.A. probes proved that this was not possible (see any conspiracy site for confirmation!)
I'm having an Internet relationship with a Snickers bar.
I met a Terry's Chocolate Orange on Blind Date, but she was too preoccupied with her figure and she had to go.
I once had a fivesome with some Kit Kats.
I'll mention nothing about my chocolate fingers.
I will mention even less about my sticky toffee fingers.
I once bought a box of dates for my chocolate.
The rumors about me and Lady Godiva are completely true.
I once did it with Twix.
You can do it when you M&M it.
Sadly, I only have a Fun-Sized Milky Way.
[BtD] Ah they're not called fun size for nothing [plump] not at all brilliant
I never tire of listening to ****** Riverdance on hold to the Apple Store UK. It's only surpassed by when they have Enya on loop instead.
My aunt has just changed her name by deed poll to "Horace the Marauding Oaf"
Somewhere in the Andes is a small collective of white-faced, black-haired men who sacrifice sheep yearly to Ken Dodd.
In the course of investigating the powers of the Lord Chancellor, Whitehall officials have discovered that every sentence uttered in the precincts of Westminster should be concluded with the word "stush" or "wagwan".
I was not glad to be home from work today.
I was seventeenth in line to the Danish throne, but I renounced my claim to marry a bar of Dairy Milk.
[Tuj] I could believe that if you'd said Bourneville.
Light can only pass through glass which has been specially calibrated by frogs.
I'm a little teapot, although contrary to the stereotype I tend more to the tall and angular, and have no handle.
I don't have love handles - I have vole handlers. ... Squeak!
Tomorrow is not a holiday in the US, but I still have the day off anyway.
</lie>[Dr Q] Eh?;<lie>
I have a pet cockroach named Keith, but I need a henroach so that I can breed from him.
After having a bath cats thoroughly enjoy a few minutes in the microwave oven.
All my cockroaches lay eggs. Still, it doesn't worry me as I have no particular phobias when it comes to things with multiple pairs of legs.
Two dozen pheasants' eggs are sufficient to fill a rugby ball and also provide the correct consistency for a decent game.
"I HATE EGGS" is the current slogan of the vegetarian I.V.F. association.
I.V.F. is reserved only for frigid women. ... err, nothing personal to anyone here.
I.V.F. drugs are becoming alarmingly popular on the dance scene. Police have released a statement that they which to crack down on eggstasy.
<:/lie>:Sorry, that was somewhat distasteful. Please forgive me.<lie>
I had an idea for something to write here, but I forgot what it was.
Everything tastes better the second time you drink it.
The little green men just want their ball back.
The spanish language does not have equivalent words for razor, snow, barbecue, pritt stick, bidet, Prince Harry, hedgehog, Indiana, marshmallow, rhinoplasty, trout, Putney, or hamburger.
[Dunx re: light/teapot/roach] All revoltingly bad! Terrible!
"Cap'n Crunch" cereal is made from the ground bones of the Cap'n's various enemies.
I have not been waiting for over three hours for a customer to turn up for an appointment and (as I usually do in such a circumstance) am taking it in my stride.
The Dead Sea Scrolls are actually a recipe for chicken soup.
But they are dwarfed in complexity by the chicken soup recipe that is the Rosetta Stone.
Rosetta Stone was my first girlfriend; she has wonderful pockmarks on her skin - which I (silly me) spent hours and hours attempting to decipher.
[barbacoa] This just in - the International College of Spanish (or whatever it's called) has accepted the word "oencador" for "Prince Harry".
US scientists have developed a form of highly explosive butterfly that is sexually attracted to heroin poppies.
Theodore Roosevelt was originally a door-to-door door salesman.
After ten years in the average family household, a carpet will have developed an IQ of 16.
Dandruff has a wicked temper; any accusations of not being able to hold its drink will really get its dander up.
Purple is the new purple.
Methane is so named in honour of the Laird of Meith, after the swamp gas in that region pledged eternal loyalty to his line for services rendered.
The Heiroglyphs on the walls of Tutankhamun's tomb read 'Danger, Low Ceiling'
I am the very model of a modern major-general.
I was once considered a model of a passe major general. It was in all the papers.
I am a mole and I live in a hole.
The contents of one's gutter, when left to ferment for up to a year, make an excellent hair-restorer.
Hairbrushes, if left uncleaned, eventually develop into hedgehogs.
As a mark of respect to Mr.Milligan all hedgehogs are called Spike.
The Old English Sheepdog evolved from a prehistoric mop.
A wandering minstrel I, a thing of shreds and patches
Deep in the hallowed halls of Westminster, a small group of determined government frontbenchers plot the establishment of yet another organisation to consider a subject of public importance, but which is to be independent from the government. Could this be another job for Quango Prairie Dog?
[AP] We really know our worth, the sun and I.
I have nothing better to do.
I can dance.
I once danced with Keanu Reeves, but kept falling on the ground when he would do the dip. He seemed to hover above the ground and I could not keep up with him.
I love modern dancing - one doesn't have to snuggle up to one's partner.
While sleeping I rise to a height of five hundred feet above sea level and slowly rotate above either Lincolnshire or Norfolk.
I have just given up being the centre of gravity. The job sucked.
I have just lost my job as a pornstar. It was a blow.
I have just given up being the rear spoiler on the McLaren F1 car... what a drag.
I have just given up stalking. A better job follows.
I've just decided to drive my car off the road. It was a career choice.
I used to work at a potato-packing plant, but I got the sack.
An Amazonian tribe has just recruited me. I was head hunted.
Still it is better than the job I had as a experimental patient for trainee proctologists. That was a pain in the arse.
I hate being a lion trainer, it bites.
I used to like being Emperor of Rome, until I got stabbed in the back.
I want to get out of the calendar printing business, I reckon my days are numbered...
I tried to quit my job as a beefburger, but I was foiled.
I used to love my job as a chip, because every day was fried day.
foiled again!)
I worked in a peach orchard. It was the pits.
I was one of Santa's elves, but I got the sack.
I used to be a butcher which, as you can imagine, was quite fulfilling - then they gave me the axe...
I made Spam, until they canned me.
I worked so hard at being a lift attendant that they gave me a rise.
For a while I worked in a lingere shop, but they gave me the pink slip.
I used to put peas in tins, 44 per tin. One day I got my pea 45.
I used to be a ritual circumciser, but one day I slipped and got the sack.
I used to be a train conductor, but resigned when I realised I was going nowhere.
I used to be a trapeze artist until I was dropped.
I studied to be a florist, but my career was nipped in the bud.
I once had a job in a towel factory, but the company folded.
I used to work for Chidrens BBC in the 70's. I lost the job when I dropped a clanger.
I was going to be a historian, but realised that there was no future in it.
I used to work in the Evian factory, but I lost my bottle.
Last summer I took up skydiving, but I didn't make it through the fall.
Then I took some courses to be a mortgage broker, but after a while I lost interest.
I used to be a gastroenterologist, but I just couldn't stomach
I used to be a bacteriologist, but I couldn't take the strain.
I, too, had a banking job for a short time, but the manager said I lacked principle.
I was a vascular surgeon, but wanted to try something in a different vein.
I worked in a diet pill factory until I was downsized.
I used to work in a footwear shop until one day I got the boot.
I studied to be an airline pilot, but my career never got off the ground.
I was involved in cloning research...then I was made redundant.
I worked in a clearing house for dud cheques until I resigned.
I had a job making cannons for tanks until I was discharged.
I quit my job at Mountaineer Race Track & Casino ... too much Wheeling and dealing.
I used to make sausage...then one day I was sent packing.
I was a pool hustler until I was blackballed.
I was a fence-builder until I was shown the gate.
I used to be a mountain climber, but I quit in a fit of peak.
I used to be a human cannonball, but they wouldn't fire me, so I lost my job. :)
I used to be a zooological keeper, but there were claws in my contract that led to my release.
I was hoping for promotion at the mail order apple seed company, but I was pipped to the post.
In desperation I took a job in a bakery. I just needed the dough.
I worked bottling natural water, but lost my job in the spring.
[Tina] But did you really knead the dough?
I lost my job as a medium when I went through a bad spell.
I used to drill for oil, but it got too boring.
Then I became a spy, but the work bugged me.
I also looked after a herd of deer, but the job paid badly. I didn't have two bucks to rub together.
[Boolbar] I'm sure the bucks wouldn't have appreciated being rubbed together either....
I used to be the gasman for a local stock car team, but that was the pits.
When I was in kennels, the company went broke and had to call in the retrievers.
I auditioned for the starring role in a documentary on a American quarterback-turned-politician, but I was rejected because of my un-Kemp appearence.
I used to be a dustman, but the job was rubbish.
Then I became a chef, but the job wasn't all it was cooked up to be.
[BtD] When I worked in kennels, I made such a mess of things they told me to go take a long walk.
Then I joined an athletics club, but I was so terrible at the field events, they told me to go take a running jump.
Back in high school, I was on the cross-country team until I was given my walking papers.
None of the above were hilarious. I hate them all. They are not classic online Mornington Crescent.
I used to work in a glue factory, but I couldn't stick with it.
On a similar line, I applied to be a lumberjack, but I just didn't cut it.
I used to be a Spice Girl.
I used to be a drag queen, but I dropped out.
I worked in a spice factory, but couldn't cut the mustard.
I tried road paving once, but didn't make the grade.
I used to drive a cement lorry, but gave it up because I wanted something more concrete.
I became a partner in a building firm, but the other guy screwed me over and bolted.
I worked in a fireworks factory, but the work fizzled out.
I used to be a terrible songwriter until I composed myself.
I was once going to be Chief Photographer for the local rag and was rather disappointed when the editor told me I was no longer in the picture.
I took up a job with a bra manufacturer but they went bust.
I tried to get work as a network security analyst, but I just couldn't hack it.
After that, I considered a job at Planters, but they make you work for peanuts.
[DrQ] "made redundant" -- brilliant!
I lost my job in meat refrigeration after the company I worked for relocated to the West Midlands and I was sent to Coventry and given the cold shoulder.
I was once a barker but I left of my own free will - it's a dog of a job.
I too worked under the big top, but it was a three ring circus.
I used to work for a removal firm, but I just felt boxed in.
I went on to be a chef, but they caught me cooking the books
So I moved on to take a couple of jobs in the circus, but I just couldn't keep juggling them all.
I then took up sports - tennis, basketball, squash etc, - but it was just too many balls in the air.
I tried working as a dream analyst, but it was just a nightmare.
I took up interior decorating, but I got plastered
Then I tried being a trawlerman, but there was just something fishy about it.
I was doing watch repairs for a while. At first it went like clockwork, but then I got ticked off.
My stint in a paper perforating shop ended when I was sacked for being a tearaway.
Min you, not as bad as being sacked from that brass band for blowing my own trumpet.
I had to quick as a sheep castrator because... well, it was just bollocks.
Ahem... I mean, I had to quit as a sheep castrator because... well, it was just bollocks.
After my unsuccessful stint at the fairground I became a seamstress, but someone stitched me up.
My last job as a Cartesian philosopher was going well, but my boss started thinking less of it until it no longer existed.
Before that, I sold turkeys until my company was gobbled up.
Before that, I was a navigator for Nocturne Airlines. It didn't last long since it was such a fly-by-night operation.
Many years ago I used to work for a magician, but he disappeared.
Before that (I've done a lot in my 87 years on this planet, among others) I was a tester for Viagra. The job grew on me, but eventually my workload plummeted.
My first job was with a maritime salvage company - I even bought shares in the company - but I left when they were delisted. sorry!
I used to think I had my career all mapped out when I trained as a cartographer, but that, too, folded.
I was a video editor, but I just couldn't cut it.
I used to work for King Midas, until I was given the golden handshake.
I used to work at Mornington Crescent, but they told me my job was on the line.
I used to write crosswords, but as it turned out I was clueless.
I fully understand, Tina. I used to bury myself in the cryptics, but - being an alien - I was interred.
Then again, I used to be a director of an orange juice company - I was squeezed out.
The job before that was with a laundrette mob, but they hung me out to dry.
I used to be a model for the M&S catalogue. When I told them it was a pants job, they debriefed me.
Myself, I've been training in the medical field. For a while I worked as an opthamologist's assistant, but we just didn't see eye-to-eye. I tried to switch to cardiology, but my heart just wasn't in it. Then, I thought maybe I could fake it as an X-ray technician, but the supervisor saw right through me. The only job left was in proctology, and obviously, it's a real pain in the arse.
I made cuddly toys for a little while, but I stuffed it up.
I used to work in a chemist before they dispensed with my services.
A year ago I couldn't spell educated. Now I are it.
I used to shear sheep, but then I was fleeced.
I used to survey cul-de-sacs until I realised it was a dead end job.
I used to work in a pyschological testing laboratory, but I wanted to get out of the rat race.
I used to have a lounge act singing Frank Sinatra songs, but when the Summer Wind came along I looked for something else to doobie-doobie-do.
I tried to move from choir conducting to bus conducting but it didn't quite work out and in the end I had to go back to my old job and face the music.
I used to be a male escort, but I was laid off.
Afterwards, I tried to be a plumber, but that went down the crapper as well.
I used to be a telephonist, but I got transferred.
I used to be a virus checker but &^£%__$£G B*%&GK UY&%&PGG JH*& (&^^& %&) ?:@~{KJJGF DFSQD!£ ¬"?>LJZ ||~LIU ITU.
I used to be the speaking clock, until the management gave me a hard time.
I was almost given the lead part in Castaway, but they said that I was washed up. I mistook this for an insult and turned it down.
i uused too bee a prove reeder.
I used to be a dermatologist, but I got itchy feet
I'm a national tree surgeon. I have branches everywhere.
I loved my job in the neon light factory. It was a gas!
I used to work at a funeral palour until I was sacked for being late.
I used to pluck ducks but the job got me down.
It have been looking in here every day recently. My brother and his friends didn't circulate some emails last year with some excessively clean and unfunny job description puns and I'm not at all tempted to post them in here. They simply aren't rude enough.
I actually became a tree surgeon due to a flash of inspiration - I was leafing through the job adverts when suddenly I twigged.
I used to be a p0rn star, but I couldn't keep it up. I tried to go into menswear sales but was told I was unsuited.
To reach my tree surgery helpline, dial a trunk call.
I can't. I'm a failed plumber, and all my calls are tapped.
I used to be a professional masturbator, but I just couldn't hold my own.
I had to give up my rôle of Agony Aunt. I had a low threshold of pain.
It's no good trying to contact me when I'm at work. Since I started this job as a professional hangman, all my callers have hung up on me.
[ZK] Doesn't matter, I'm not very good, you'd have to be barking to call me.
I'd have to be a bit of a sap, then? Do you reckon you need counselling? Don't give up too soon and leave - your problems are probably deeply rooted. I know an excellent Tree Surgeon therapist, Den Dron.
I quit my job in the synthetic rubber plant, when my first pay cheque bounced.
I used to have a job performing ultrasounds on expectant mothers to determine the sex of their babies. For some reason, the mothers never seemed happy with my work. I don't know what those women were expecting!
I too apprenticed as a plumber, but my career went down the drain.
I tried to work as a plumber, but I didn't want to faucet.
Amazing: so did I - I was hopeless though and, inevitably and not unexpectedly, they gave me the elbow.
I used to market sporting equipment to the hockey community. When I approached the football authorities for a similar position they gave me the boot: they claimed I had unrealistic goals.
[Dujon] Did they tell you to puck off?
My last effort at holding down a job was as an assistant to an optician. It was going OK, but then I was framed.
[Dunx] No, but my old colleagues didn't half give me some stick!
After that I tried being an electrical salesman. That only lasted until the company found I didn't have the proper connections.
I quickly moved to flogging fridge magnets, but it wasn't really my field.
From there it was to electrical componentry, but customer resistance was high and, anyway, I found I just didn't have the necessary capacity.
After that (and this was a buzz) I became an apiarist, but had to resign when I found I had hives.
I got a mariners' ticket and a job as first mate, but that foundered when one of my seamen rocked the boat.
At one stage I worked for an pest exterminator, but I got the flick, man. Aussie's only will get that - unless a certain company operates in the U.K. and N.Am. regions.
I also had a job as a circus clown, but had to leave in rather 'funny' circumstances.
Sorry, I forgot: I used to have a catering job with Virgin Airlines ... I was grounded when I didn't serve the cherries. ... coat ...
I used to be a gynaecologist, but I couldn't stand all the fannying about, so I left to go into dermatology. Looking back, it was a little rash...
I tried being a proctologist, but I arsed around one day, and as for my prospects, well, I rectum.
I tried unblocking toilets with fireworks. It worked the first time, but turned out to be just a flash in the pan.
I had an affair when working at a quiche factory, but it was just a pash in the flan.
I used to work for Governor Gray Davis...then I was terminated.
I wrote some obscene lyrics about backsides for Eminmem. He had me arrested. It was a bum rap.
I used to work in panto, but I couldn't tell my 'aahs' from my old 'boos'
I used to work for Bostik but I couldn't stick it.
I was briefly a shepherd, but I chose to make a career ewe-turn.
This thread shouldn't have been a game unto itself.
I used to be part of a team of venetian blind salesman, but then my boss said it was curtains for all of us.
I was once an elevator attendant, but after I while I realised that the owners were giving me the shaft.
I was a watchmaker but I left because the boss kept winding me up.
[FG} Funny that. I worked for a watchmaker once, but I left because I kept getting run down.
I was a weather forecaster for a while, but left under a cloud.
I used to be really good at this game before we started discussing our career history.
I used to be a display waterskier, but they cut me loose.
When I realised my job on an old-fashioned railway wasn't for me, I left under my own steam.
I tried dairy farming for a while, but after a drought, I left for greener pastures.
I also tried being an attendant on the QE2, but I missed the boat.
I switched then to selling face make up, but the work was so stressful, I took a powder.
My boyfriend ran into some trouble with the law and took a job on a sheep farm. He finally left because he didn't want them to know he was on the lam.
Then he worked bottling apertifs, but was terminated for excessive absinthe.
I used to work as a flaggelator, necrophiliac and bestialist, until I realised I was just flogging a dead horse.
I then became an army bandsman, but they let me go because (they said) I was marching to the beat of a different drum.
I also tried being a tyre salesman, but now I'm on the skids.
I used to sell DIY equipment, but I throw a spanner in the works by getting hammered, completely plastered. It was a wrench to leave. I felt I was left on the shelf. I saw myself being screwed by the job market. Luckily I got a new job and can paint myself a better future.
I thought I would do well in the undertaking business, but I was passed over for promotion.
I once owned a shoe store. Since I couldn't really give myself the boot, I decided it'd be best if I just soled out.
I had a job installing traffic calming measures but eventually I got the hump.
I had a job on a wind farm but I blew it.
I used to be in charge of the hairdryers at the local salon, but I sucked.
I was Jonny Wilkinson's stunt double, but when I got injured my dreams were kicked into touch.
I so have not run out of puns for this game.
I worked for a while in a chemist's shop, but they dispensed with my services.
I spent a little time as a jobbing artist, until I drew my last pay packet.
I bought a veterinarian practice, but closed it down when I found I'd been sold a pup.
Moving on I became an orchardist, but that turned out to be a lemon.
Later, I tried cleaning toilets, but I didn't have the proper skills - the other staff pissed all over me.
I did try a similar position in another council, but I left there too, I was crap.
At one time I tried being an optician, but they said I was not focussed enough.
When I was younger I worked for a shortwhile in the Catering Corps, but they let me go when I got into a mess.
Once I had a temporary job with a concern which made barometers, but the pressure got to me.
For a while after that I worked for a company making Scotch, but I just didn't blend in.
I had a job designing tumblers for a while - they said my ideas were all great in theory, but wouldn't hold water.
I snagged a job with a 'bus company once - I even took their various I.Q. test over a few months - but when I gave them my report they said I queued too much. OK, I'm half tickled ...
Like Dr Q+ I worked for a company which produces a generic ViagraTM product, but it was just too hard.
I once was a fill-in worker at a company that manufactured pails but left when the owner kicked the bucket.
I joined the professional chess tour...to meet women, of course. I quit after failing to find a mate.
Afterwards, I joined the professional poker tour. Let's just say I folded after pulling the Queen of Clubs.
Later on, I was consultant to the dairy industry. However, most of my clientele dropped off after one of the Big Cheeses said I was milking them for everything they were worth....
I used to work in a mirror manufacturors, but they said my appearance reflected badly on the company.
I tried setting up a low budget airline but it never got off the ground.
So I tried to persuade the London authorities to let me run a privatised Underground system, but that went down the tubes.
As for my poultry farm - well, let's just say it was a cock-up.
With all the talk on nanotechnology these days, I thought there would be a niche for sub-micron fluid holders, but it pailed into insignificance.
I got a job in jungle clearance, but I couldn't hack it.
I tried to design and market a kitched implement for preparing pungent seeds of certain cruciferous plants, but it didn't cut the mustard.
...and my careless typo in the last one shows why I only worked on a dictionary for a short spell.
I started working for an excavation company, but didn't dig it.
I worked for a photographer until I snapped.
My time in the entomology department at our local museum bugged me.
I was quite successful as a font designer, although it was rather against type.
Then I had a job installing blackboards, but gave it up because I was always wiped.
I had a job installing venetian blinds, but then the soft furnishing company next door took over and it was curtains for me.
I can think of many more ideas, all of them better than any of the preceding
I worked down at the Heinz Plant, but was eventually canned for always being pickled.
I was hired by Jonathan Ross to write for him some David Letterman-style Top 10 lists....but was fired for w[here's your coat. -- ed]
I used to work in my local Harvester, but they threw me out when I got into a stew. Then I was really in the soup.
I then worked in a hippy nudist beach community for a while as a lobster-fisherman. They threw me out - I caught crabs.
Then I was Donny Osmond's tour manager for a while a few years back, but I got arrested for making puppy love. ([AP] His educational career began, interestingly enough, in agricultural school, where he majored in animal husbandry, until they caught him at it one day)
I worked in an athletic shoe factory when one day I was terminated for a slip of the tongue.
Indeed, Tina; I used to be a script writer, but the boss gave me the hard word.
At one stage I was an 'illumination' technician, but I wasn't bright enough.
In my youth, I joined a hip acting company, but I couldn't make the scene.
Gimmie, gimme, gimme a man after midnight.
At midnight every night I turn into a goat for 5 seconds. This explains the cheese in my shoes in the morning.
</lie> [ZK] Ah - another Tom Lehrer fan? <lie>
I worked in a music shop until I was drummed out.
[DrQ] I once shot a man by mistake, believing him to be a large, flesh-coloured squirrel.

< /l i e>Was someone going to make a separate game for the Job Pun thing? I thought I read that somewhere.
[ZK] Yes, I was. I did it last week.
There is nothing I enjoy more, and indeed all the world seems in tune, when I'm poisoning pigeons in the park.
When it's Fiesta time in old Guadalahhckhhckhhckhhckhhara...then I long to be back in old Mehhckhhckico.
I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips.
I have a friend in Minsk, who has a friend in Pinsk, whose friend in Omsk has friend in Tomsk with friend in Akmolinsk.
Sharks gotta swim and bats gotta fly; I gotta love one woman 'till I die.
There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium,
And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium......
Thank you. For my first encore....
The Wild West is where I wanna be.
I'm the old dope peddler, with my powdered happiness.
Oh, poll tax, how I love ya, how I love ya, my dear old poll tax.
So long Mom, I'm off to drop the bomb, so don't wait up for me.
I'd rather marry a duck-billed platypus, than end up like old Oedipus Rex.
I got it from Agnes.
I heard her cookings lousy and her hands are clammy!
We will all go together when we go, every Hottentot and every Eskimo.
Blacken my eye, set fire to my tie, as we dance to the Masochism Tango. [Is this actually going anywhere?]
To our respective Valhallas?
The wild west is where I wanna be.
bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!!!! Repetition!
I do not get annoyed by my mobile phone causing interference on my computer and then not giving me a text message.
Nor do we at last have a senator who can really sing and dance.
It is possible to say the phrase "working from home" without sounding like there are heavy quotation marks around it.
It is possible to say the phrase "working from home" without sounding like there are heavy quotation marks around the word "working".
I'm "working" from home today.
I'm "working" in my office today.
I'm "working" in "Woking" today.
I'm woking in the lost consonants room today.
I work all the time. I do not "work" all the time.
I do not "work" all of the time. Sometimes, I "rest".
Bob the dog is a bizarre game played at Halloween. All you need is a barrel of water and three Pugs.
Party Wimple is the ultimate knitted tube that fits over your head, and is guaranteed to give your soirées a sprinkling of ultra-modernity. It will keep your guests entertained and yet is also great for kitchen chores - no loose ends to dangle in the washing up.
Somewhere in Edinburgh is a gang of "Legitimate Businessmen" plotting slow and stealthy infiltration of the British Royal Family. They are armed only with wit, cunning and copious amounts of peanut butter. Could this be another case for undercover agent, Ignatius, Super-Weevil?
David Arse is a full-time children’s' entertainer known as the Juggler for Jesus. He has been a professional juggler for 59 years and has developed a program that uses juggling, fire-eating, and nude audience participation to share God's Word in a memorable way. If you are planning a youth meeting, worship service, Sunday school class, outreach, festival, luncheon, dinner, banquet, or even a satanic mass, David can provide a program to make the occasion instantly forgettable.
[Bob] In Glasgow, they play a special version of that traditional game - 'ducking for chips'.
Austria is the world's largest importer of licorice allsorts -- in 2002 alone, enough of them were shipped to Austria to provide over 600 kilograms of the candies to every man, woman, and child living there. Noone knows what is done with them; it is the nation's most carefully-guarded secret.
I made some money by selling old rope today.
Scientists have discovered that if you place certain Impressionist paintings in your garden, then garden pests are attracted to them. Said one scientist, "Monet is the route of all weevils".
Contrary to popular belief, it takes more than two to tango. The rugby scrum evolved from an erotic tango originally danced by two women of the night (or 'hookers'), each supported by their 'pack' of seven supporters.
A recent survey showed that the most popular boys' name amongst American weevils was Eric, whilst in Britain it is Kenneth.
Weevils wobble but they don't fall down.
Frankly, all the British weevils I know arenamed Keith.
are named (sorry).
It is obvious, I can type proficiently with just one hand, while petting a cat with the other.
I wouldn't worry about it, pet!
An artificial smell is made in a factory and is called an "ol".
Scratch-n-Sniff stickers were invented by the Aztecs.
Foosball (sic) was originally played by explorers with pygmys on sticks.
An infinite number of monkeys with typewriters will eventually produce the complete works of Shakespeare, likewise 3 pigeons, a copy of Miscrosoft Word, and the Radio Script Wizard (TM) produce all the scripts for "The Archers".
Lead pencils were gradually replaced by copper pencils from about 1965.
I was arrested by a copper pencil yesterday. I was driving too hard on the B6.
The Parkway East in Pittsburgh, much like the M25, is a marvel of modern transportation and drivers should slow down to 15MPH to sufficiently take in its beauty and efficiency.
Americans understand the metric system really. They're just having us on.
Everyone over 75 in the UK really understands decimal currency, and the Europeans invented the single currency in the hope that it would eventually reach Britain and confuse all the pensioners.
Euros do not look suspiciously like francs used to.
I thought I saw a Polecat the other day, but when I asked, he said he was from Russia.
It is not at all suspicious that there is only one chain of shops in Britain still selling chocolate coins depicting our own currency.
I put Humpty Dumpty together again.
I treated Jack for concussion.
I pushed both of them.
I used to work at the pharmacy where Little Boy Blue bought his narcolepsy medication.
I was the cartographer for the Grand Old Duke of !York's Third Light Artillery.
I participated in a raid that released Mrs. Peter Peter from the pumpkin shell.
Jack Horner ruined all my pies!
[ZK] That wasn't his thumb.
I have no idea to what you may be referring.
From personal experience, Mary Mary was quite amenable.
If Little Bo Peep leaves her sheep alone, they will come home, wagging their tales behind them, and will not be savaged by dogs or rounded up by government officials.
Miss Muffet has been undergoing counseling for her arachophobia. It's been some success, but she still does not like spiders to sit down beside her. She's also off whey.
arachnophobia, sorry.
Tommy Thin was finally jailed this morning on grounds of animal cruelty.
Georgy Porgy has had a legal class action suit filed against him for sexual harassment.
The visual and anecdotal evidence in Mrs Jack Sprat's case clearly indicated an early diagnosis of Hyperlipidemia, possibly genetic, but more likely environmental, with all the attendant classic risk factors (arteriosclerosis, thrombosis, diabetes, stroke etc). Initial treatments recommended: folic acid (to reduce Homocysteine levels), lifestyle changes (more exercise), treatment with HMG-CoA reductase inhibitors (to be carefully monitored) and divorce.
Kim's unequivocal evidence shows that nursery rhymes should be banned from all schools, shopping centres, libraries and pubs which serve children. O'ill 'ave moin in ba'er, Guv!
"Hey diddle diddle" was actually penned by William Shakespeare at the age of 17. In Tudor times, the pornographic content of this ditty was considered so great that he was banned from 10 different counties, and was a great court favourite.
Fondant Fancies have corresponding dimples in their underside to allow them to be stacked hight without fear of falling over.
I am currently listening to a song that has nothing to do with Christmas or the Wombles.
Christmas cannot be getting earlier each year as none of the shops start trying to sell tinsel before the beginning of December.
As usual, the chat room last night was full of nothing but tiresome old puns.
A loaf of bread strike has just begun in Derbyshire, with all members of the Loaves, Bloomers and Rolls Union downing crumbs and walking out of breadbins to join sad, defenceless and rather short-lived picket lines on a main road in Matlock.
I've been in fine lying form lately.
Catnip was invented by time travelling mice in the year 3416 and was inserted into the timeline as a practical joke on their archrivals the cats. Unfortunately the joke backfired when lack of evolutionary pressure from the stoned cats no longer chasing mice meant that mice never developed opposable thumbs or intelligence.
There are in fact three sides to every story, but no one listens after the first two.
[Dunx] I told you there were four!
Every bird in the hand has a silver lining.
You ain't seen me, right!
The Greek island of Poros is still officially at war with Atlantis.
The Korean war is over, offically.
Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.
I got rhythm, I got music, I got my man - who could ask for anything more?
Red sky at night, saves nine. Red sky in morning, get out of the kitchen.
Many hands in the bush - shepherd's delight.
No innuendos can be made about Wol's last remark concerning any of the current world leaders.
Out of shame for one of its namesakes, the town of Blairsville, Pennsylvania will now be known as "Howardsville".
Chocolate makes an excellent draft excluder.
Flourescent lightbulbs are filled with fairies. Electrocution causes them to light up.
Actually, electricity is caused by tiny hamsters running very very fast. Fuses therefore consist of tiny bridges - if too many hamsters try to cross the bridge at any one time, the bridge breaks and no current flows.
I am much enjoying my carbonated pork drink as I read this game.
The stock market is a lie. If a billion shares are sold, then a billion must also be bought. Therefore, the Dow Jones is just a fantasy perpetrated by gamblers in Las Vegas who bet on the activities of the gullable public.
The gullable public are those persons who take bits of bread to the seaside and then feed the local birds in order to get the latest mews.
[carbonated pork drink] </lie> Jones Soda (a U.S. brand, dunno if you can get it in the U.K.) put out a Turkey & Gravy flavor for Thanksgiving. Not unexpectedly, it's pretty awful. <lie>
I'm busy, busy, busy as a bee, bee, bee.
I love driving to work in the snow, especially before the sun comes up. It's what I do to relax. When I'm stuck in a ditch, I'm at peace with the world.
I have grown my own house out of mushrooms and am going to spend my retirement living there and eating it, with the bathroom last.
After I went on the Adkins diet, I built a house out of the contents of pasta boxes in my cupboard.
I once crafted a 1:1 scale model of the Eiffel Tower entirely out of toothpicks, but a big bad wolf came and blew it down.
I've got a full-scale portrait of Herve Villechaize tattooed on my back.
I'm not too happy about the government’s 'Five-a-day' campaign. I can only just manage twice, and then I need a cup of malted milk and two hours rest in between.
I have absolutely no difficulty in sticking to the five-a-day programme. I can drink up to a pint of juice by myself in just a few hours.
I've had no problem since they redesignated Guinness as a fruit.
A whole bottle of syrup of figs counts as one of your five-a-day
Although most people think of tomatoes as a vegetable, they are actually a sort of weasel.
I eat five grapes a day, then go out for pizza.
I eat five pizzas a day and then go out for grapes.
I take five days to eat a pizza and grapes are out of the question.
It might be my age (well matured by the cask) but in my case gropes are totally out of the question.
Santas workshop has been closed down under elfin safety legislation.
Apparently Santa has a little sideline in quality venison.
Children who've been naughty get coke. Neat, huh?
Diluted, usually.
After their recent merger, Santa Incorporated has requested that all wish-lists be filed in triplicate, no later than November first. Shipping will be provided by FedEx.
He's been merged with the National Elf Service
Santa is thinking of relocating the operation. It seems that the business world is changing and he needs to have a presence in several different countries. The elves have threatened to strike, believing that it's just a plot to keep them from forming a union.
I take all my grievances to a trade onion. It helps me cry and get over them.
I used to be a member of a union, but I traded my membership for a Skoda and the daughter of a Finnish diplomat.
Roger Hargreaves has recently published his first Gothic horror novel, Doctor Jekyll and Mr Uppity.
I see they made a film of The Talented Mr Mischief.
Mr Daydream is now running ITV.
Reality is a figment of your imagination, and I have no imagination at all,or so Miss Wilson used to tell me?
Colours are just a pigment of your imagination.
They also made Mr Strong goes to Washington
Driving Miss Tickle is widely credited with being the inspiration behind JG Ballard's Crash. Both films feature a large number of RTAs; in the former because Miss Tickle can't stop tickling her chauffeur. JG Ballard develops an altogether more adult theme for his short novel.
In Mr Topsy-Turvey the Mr men and little Miss Characters sing a collection of songs by Gilbert O'Sullivan.
They call me Mr Bump was the first blaxploitation movie to star Michael Crawford.
Reservoir Mister Men featured the now-famous scene where Mr Tickle tickles the ear off his prisoner.
I see that Tom Cruise is set to take on the title role of Mr Impossible.
[BtD] Three Little Misses from school is one of the better known ones, although they looked rather odd in traditional Japanese dress, on account of their having no necks.
I never got where Pretty Little Miss Polly fitted into it, though.
Misters Sneeze, Clever, Slow, Grumble, Happy, Silly and Lazy have signed up as cast for Snow White and the Seven Mr. Men but they're still looking for a lead actress. Rumours are that Britney Spears is looking for a challenging role.
Mr Small is Emperor of the Scilly Isles
I used to be a photographer but then I snapped.
I started work as Father Christmas after they gave me the sack.
I was going to become a member of a carpentry club, but I decided not to join.
</lie>[Dunx re: Reservoir Mister Men] That is a truly astonishing idea -- I may be forced to steal it from you.

<lie>The best teacups are made from terrier skulls. Anteater skulls are used for teapots.

</lie>[Riff] By all means; I wasn't using it anyway.<lie>
[Dunx/Riff] I was.
The least known Roger Hargreaves character is Mr Fart.
George Bush is a failed Mr Man.
[AP] He couldn't spell it.
< / l i e > George Bush was recently beaten in an intelligence test by a monkey.
< l i e>Hargreaves has recently had to fight to get a controversial contemporary new book published called Little Mr Miss - the publishers felt it was a little too much information for children, and bought Madonna's book instead.
Each morning I am rudely awakened by the frantic Boom tish, Boom tish of our local one man band being chased up the street by the neighbours dog
I used to be a one man band but I split up after my legs decided on a solo career.
Why are my bed springs so rusty?
I used to work in an optitians but I got thrown out for making a spectacle of myself.
[bl] I didn't completely lose it on reading your last.
[Wol] Very dull image isn't it?
Once I dreamt I was a butterfly, then I awoke and now I don't know if I'm a man who dreamt he was a butterfly, or if there's a natural reason for me to be fluttering about in midair like this.
I used to dream that I was flying in an old open biplane, but I fell out of that one.
Rudolph the reindeer had a very shiny gnome.
If you ever saw it, you'd swear it was inebriated.
We now know that Rudolph's red nose was a result of a condition brought on by alcohol abuse. Rudolph was so lonely, being cut out of all those reindeer games, that he hit the bottle, and hard. Happily, his chance to lead the sleigh in the snow gave him a new lease on life. He later joined a twelve-step program and is in his fiftieth year of sobriety. His nose is now bloated, but a pinkish grey.
In an attempt to make Dickens more accessible to the modern youth, all editions of A Christmas Carol are being reprinted with Scrooge's famous words altered to "**** that for a game of soldiers".
I love Paris in the the springtime.
Scientists sifting the rubble of a desert hillside in Ethiopia have discovered a trove of crab shells 2 1/2 million years old that may reveal the first direct link between shrimps and the earliest members of our true human lineage.
This new found crustacean species, still far more lobster than human, could include the very first beings on Earth to use sellotape. That technology marked a major turning point on the long evolutionary path toward modern Homo sapiens, the scientists say.
The above remarks were not endorsed by www.spellotape.co.uk.
nuuuuuh sp= sellotape *goes to bed*
Just because it's just before three in the morning is not a valid excuse for going to bed - regardless as to what may have occurred within the last twenty four hours.
"Nuuuuuh" is the highest possible scoring word in the Turkish version of Scrabble, with a total of 540.5 points, but it's only possible to play it once every 10 years, dependent on the phases of the moon.
EIEIO is the highest possible score on Farmer Scrabble. And it only works if you use the Agriculture dictionary.
The color red is in fact indistinguishable from the scent of grass to an antelope.
I participate in this game every minute of every hour of every day ... I apologise for being so ubiquitous.
What King Herod needed was some weapons of Messiah distruction.
I finally got the orange juice in Sainsbury's to sing the Marseilleise at me this morning, and I was only escorted out of the shop once.
< / l i e > [Kim] Was that a lie? < l i e>
Tinsel can support the weight of an adult human dangling out of a window from it 3 storeys up. I know, I've tried it.
After a great deal of pain and healing I still love her and would like to see it he possibility exists for a reconciliation ,however Im very skeptical and quite clearly anxiouse ....never the less i am drwan to the possibility desoiteb the horrible errors that were committed
I heartly agree. As I always do. (With Elves).
I am wide awake and not at all confused.
I have nothing better to do than to fill up the boards in this place.
I do have better stuff to do, I just choose not to do it as a selfless sacrifice to the common good
I constantly sacrifice to the common good. I was arrested for it recently in Wigan.
I am distraught at the return of Good News / Bad News, as the last time I played it I too was arrested in Wigan.
I've never been arrested in Wigan, only with a wig on.
I was arrested in a Wigwam, once.
I was arrested with Terry Wogan, but that was a separate incident.
Club 1830 is a group of 19th Century enthusiasts who gather together every couple of years to re-enact the Committee stages of the repeal of the Corn Laws.
Club Med is a group of bored Doctors who roam holiday resorts for inebriated youths and remove their kidneys for quick sale.
I was one of those inebriated youths. Luckily, when I arrived at the hospital for treatment a kidney had just been delivered that was a perfect match.
I once found a perfect match - perfect in dimension, colour, composition and chemical balance. I kept it mounted in a glass frame above my living room window but it was reclaimed by the bailiffs three years ago, who discovered that it had been crafted in the workshops of Alexander the Great, and it now stands in the Hall of Fame in the Museum of Pyrotechnics in Droitwich.
I once invented a universal solvent, but I couldn't find anything to keep it in.
Last week I successfully patented the sky.
I have patented the lie. You lot owe me a hell of a lot of money. Then I'm off to Parliament...
Well I patented fiction, so you all owe me money
You can walk across quicksand as long as you show no fear. Quicksand can smell fear. Oh, and whistling won't help, it just annoys it.
I patented patenting. Cough up, lads.
I had prior art to defeat Tuj's patent, but someone had already patented the research of prior art and they want me to pay an exorbitant licence fee.
I conducted extensive research and realised that the Latin, Greek, Cyrillic and Arabic alphabets have never been patented, nor any other existing systems of recording language or numerology. My patent for all of them came through today, which also means that I get paid for all patents. I am now *minted* and am dictating to a secretary as my fingers are far too valuable to waste on such menial tasks as typing.
Letters were invented by Al Ferbets and it took him a year @ 1 per fortnight hence 26. He then started on numbers but died just as he reached umpteen.
Alan Titchmarsh is to star in a new programme called 'Gardeners Whirled'. In the first programme Charlie Dimmock will spend 10 minutes in a tumble drier.
In the next programme Monty Don will slide down the world's largest corkscrew hazel.
[FG] I wouldn't pay to see that.
Rachel de Thame and Nigella Lawson are the same person.
Charlie Dimmock has been chosen as the next model for Wonderbra
I have just patented the backless, strapless, cupless bra. It consists of two stick-on underwires.
Liz Hurley will be wearing it at the next premiere she goes to.
I was going to have Turkey for dinner but I don't think I've got enough chairs.
[plump - brilliant!] I was going to have Cher for dinner but I don't think I've got enough turkeys.
I was wandering through the wilderness in North America some years ago now on one of my naturist breaks, but I am very worried as I have a serious body hair problem about which I am very sensitive, and I have just heard that video footage of me had been in circulation for some time now. I want all copies recalled, and I object strongly to the names I have been called. I would also like to apologise to anyone who caught sight of me in a similar fashion in the Himalayas, or skinny-dipping in the Scottish Highlands, and for any undue distress it may have caused. Oh, and if my habit of practicing with my luminous frisbees at night has brought about any annoyance, I express my sincerest regrets for that too. And Mr Presley also sends his humblest apologies.
[ZK] What about Lord Lucan?
[LotUS] Currently alive, well, and manning the fries in a McDonalds in Greater Manchester.
[ZK] Thanks for letting me and Amelia stick around your place for a while, but we've got to head to Osama's pad for a while.
People called Alan are 10 times more likely than people called Brian.
[Jimmy] I hear that the US army are getting ever closer to tracking him down.
FG] Daves are irregular, Garys are possible but Keiths are definite.
[ZK] No they're not
does he have a dog called Jess?? or is that a cats name????
[widey] < / l i e > Postman Pat's cat was called Jess.
"Jess" was actually short for "Jezebel".
I am not glad to be finally home after having had to work Christmas Eve.
All my presents are now wrapped and sitting neatly under the Christmas tree, and my mother has finally managed to stick to her word and not buy too many things.
Oops.....I wrapped my tree and its now sitting under the presents!! Ok I Lied. I don't have any presents....
Buying a new computer for your 87-year-old mother who lives 300 miles away, and teaching her how to use it, is a simple and uncomplicated matter.
Buying a new teapot for your mother who lives 16 miles away and teaching her how to use it is horrendously complicated
Buying a new motherboard for your computer is fun
[blame] Buying a new motherboard isn't nearly as much fun as finding a proper heatsink for it. Ne'er to worry, tho, since the heatsink that comes with the CPU *always* works with your motherboard.
I once tried to fit a heatsink to my mother, but she got bored of it and moved 300 miles away!
I know exactly what motherboards and heatsinks are
I have been up for hours.
My CD re-writer keeps telling me its not available, but I know it is, as I can still see it!
I have lost weight over the Christmas break
[Angus} A motherboard is a traditional flat plank of wood that an honoured family elder is laid upon when they pass out after too much sherry, and a heatsink is simply a combination of a radiator and a sink, to gently dry dishes, keep washing up water hot and stop that nasty cold metal sensation you get when touching, er, cold metal. But then you knew that, as you said.
heatsink what happens when young men chew the ends of biros??
Mrs Biro is a masochist.
Only three more shopping days until Christmas!
My New Year's resolution is to make one new resolution every day.
My New Year's resolution is to re-use the Old Year, it's perfectly serviceable, albeit slightly wrinkled..
Over the last year I have accumulated a significant number of wrinkles: I love 'em all.
wrinkles a place to store much loved fluff
My New Year's resolution is to never play this game again.
I am looking forward to a full and productive working day today.
My New Year's resolution is to become Prime Minister and get rid of this Margaret Thatcher fellow
I have deliberately boiled soup to impair the flavour on three occasions, the last time as part of my millennium celebrations.
I have never eaten soup
I am NOT going to resit the first year of my degree.
Frank Sinatra played the bebop triangle before learning to sing in English.
Elvis is dead
Then I wonder how I've been communicating with him.
Elvis communicates through pork chops.
You lyin' get! I don't believe you. In any case, I'm here to tell you that I've been appointed to the task of choosing the ladies for next year's Pirelli Calendar. Any suggestions, while I hear the likes of Rosie et al, seething with jealousy?
In every Pirelli calendar, one of the models is actually a female impersonator.
Our local national football (soccer to some) team did a 'nude' calendar; they were awful!
Err, ladies football team. *embarrassed flush*
In every female impersonators calender, one of the models is actually a Pirelli impersonator
I tire of hearing about Pirelli impersonators, Angus, but it sounds like you're on a roll. Here's a true story though, I swear. The other day I ordered a twelve inch Marguerita with thin topping, and it was delivered by a welshman with a receding hairline. That's what you get for ringing Dai Allopecia.
There are a GREAT deal of attractive people in Bath.
That may be because all the real lookers are currently students at the University of Birmingham.
I have learnt all my lines and am not the least concerned that we have less than 8 weeks to opening night
I have a large part.
there will be no more fires on Brighton Pier
Britney Spiers doesn't regret at all her drunken night in Vegas.
The University of Bath is well thought out with little bureaucracy and hardly any in-fighting (sorry I've not had a good day)
[nights] It sounds like they're a right shower (oblig.)
I have a right shower in my bathroom, and a wrong one next to my computer and radio.
[Dunx] I get that a lot, from old friends who say 'you're studying where?'

It's amusing and entertaining when lecturers don't tell you they're cancelling a lecture.
I have both a right shower and a left shower. This saves time and water in the mornings, as if one side of me is clean I only need shower the other side.
the merger of the Probation and Prison Service will finally eliminate all offending behaviour as we know it; to the extent that people will no longer blabber on pointlessly to eachother in shop doorways just as you are trying to exit/enter (delete as applicable) in stylish haste.
The further merger with the Education Dept will also get rid of all those annoying brats that shriek in cinemas during the slow bits.
slurgywuggle wuggle gumdrops I'M pissing bord
la la la la la de fucking da
Most human beings are intelligent and articulate.
most of the people using mc5 know precisely what they are doing.
I'm a pissing bard.
I've just invented the pissing board, a removable teflon sheet to catch what misses the urinal.
[Tuj] < / l i e > Patent that idea now! You'll make a fortune!
My dog is a quiet little angel, who is not, at this very minute, barking at the front door for no reason.
I am trying to get to sleep
I am not worried about my 15-year-old cat who is sort of ill right now.
15-year-old cats are in the prime of life and any illness is due to mistreatment by their carers! I hope s/he's all right, Tina - I lost my 17-year-olds a year or two ago)
< /l i e> Yes, everyone think happy thoughts to Tina's cat
Fly-by-night forumla one driver Jensen Button will always be much better known for his resmeblance to Benjamin Disraeli than for winning the world championship 9 times in a row.
/lie: happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts...

Lectures on Fascism in Interwar Europe are fascinating!
All carpets taste of vanilla.
Agh! nights forgot to reset the lie! That means that all carpets really DO taste of vanilla!
[snorgle] Mine does, does yours not?
I'm the King of Scotland.
I'm not the King of Wales (but I do have a merit badge anarchy!)
oops "in"
I am Humphrey Lyttelton
sorry all, my bad. guess that means the fascism lectures really were interesting. I wouldn't know - you can't hear from the next lecture hall along.
[Angus] Now, now, everyone here knows you're not.
If I could swivel my knee cap through 180 deg's I could kick myself in the head and save the muggers some time and effort!!
Alright, I admit it. I'm Graeme Garden.
I've been to the office every day this week.
In Septober I shall be jetting of to the sunny island of Majolica!
Ladies, please stop being so eager to express yourselves in public using flatulence.
I am not going to spend silly amounts of money in Bristol today.
I have plenty of money to spend in Bristol, if I head in that direction.
I purchased Bristol by mistake when I was out trying to find my Mum a birthday present. It's still in its original wrapping but they won't take it back, and now I've nowhere to put it.
I lost the art of Bristol purchase when I was very young.
I, too, purchased Bristol, but I bought a cheap model and it broke down. I chose to play a prank on The South by putting it on the border of Virginia and Tennessee...but they didn't get it.
Note that Bristol, Tennessee has the stupidest NASCAR track in the country. Whoever believes that 43 cars on a half-mile-long, 36-degree-banked paperclip must be insane.
I don't want to re-write my last sentence to say "Note that Bristol, Tennessee has the stupidest NASCAR track in the country. Whoever believes that 43 cars on a half-mile-long, 36-degree-banked paperclip is proper racing and good entertainment must be insane."
I agree. I agree and once more..I agree!
Argh! There was a sale on today, and they were selling the matching Bristol! I was blinded by low prices and now I have a pair of Bristols and no idea what to do with them!
We have no idea what to do with them either.
After becoming a dedicated vegan, I have stopped wearing leather shoes and now use bowls of soup instead.
I have a teeny reticule made of bread that I call my "handbaguette"
Having been on the Adkins diet for some time, I have turned my toaster into a planter. My crocuses should bloom in a month or so.
I haven't heard enough about the Atkins Diet.
Carbohydrates have been outlawed in Burbank, California.
I am on a diet and have so far lost 3 stone
This regime I'm following is not a diet, honest.
Its amazing what you can find in the back of the fridge when you eventually get round to clearing it out. This morning I found a roll of parchment in a ceramic jar, a rather small horse, three evacuees and the Mars-lander ‘Beagle’.
I once discoverd a herd of miniture Highland cattle wandering around inside my bread bin. It was some time later that I found out I had sprinkled my chips with Benilyn instead of vinegar!
An uncooked turkey neck will, if left in the back of the refrigerator for three to four months, turn into a live squirrel. These squirrels are quite content to remain in their refrigerator habitat, provided you give them a scarf and four tiny mittens. Of course, you must also allow them the run of the vegetable and fruit drawer.
Alligators are always the first to colloborate with any repressive government or foreign occupier.
The land of Italy is actually entirely populated by ladybirds. They are masters of disguise.
But Sicily was taken over in the 1970s by revolutionary aphids. The Fanatical Aphid Radical Triumvirate has ruled the island ever since.
This is quite serious as the F.A.R.T., whilst somewhat on-the-nose to many, is more than just a lot of hot air.
Whilst my armchairs are stuffed with horsehair, my sofa contains the rest of the animal, which makes it slightly unpleasant to sit on in the summer months.
The Queen owns just 66% of the land in the UK. The remainder is owned by Noele Gordon.
I'm going to pass my exams (exam stress bock declared.)
I love exams. The best part is the glowing feeling you get when you've revised well and are sure you're going to pass.
For me, the best feeling is at the moment when you open the paper and read those glorious, glorious questions for the very first time.
Eggs and Hams..........MMmmmmmmmmmm yum, can't wait!
The exam I feel I did best at in my whole life was my GCSE Greek. I had revised for weeks you see, and I cared very deeply about what happened to Demosthenes and his pals. I also knew Homer's Iliad off by heart.
Medical examiners (coroners) have to pass a difficult exhume.
The Queen is an alien reptilian priestess. I have it on good authority.
Tina] While Castrators just take testes.
if you want to know if your girlfriend is ticklish, give her a test-tickle
my first introduction to this site and page was not lame in the slightest
scientists have just discovered a link between Pokemon fans and sexual hypervigilance in dung beetles
The Dung Beatles are a sh*t tribute band.
I am wide awake, and looking forward to the housework I have to do today.
I am blissfully happy with my alcoholic partner
I am obsessively clean, and don't leave my sheets several weeks between washes.
plump] Your last post completely failed to amuse me.
I am 6 stone 2 pounds and anorexic.
I am perfectly healthy. There's nothing more fun or easier to get into after a long absence than exercise. Ah, feeling the burn...you can't beat it.
As a matter of fact, a good brisk walk is much more fun than being on here.
Power walking and jogging were both designed by people who lived to a ripe old age.
Abstinence makes the heart beat longer.
Absinthe makes the farts last longer.
That last statement isn't actually true.
I find a hearty meal of sprouts, cabbage, peas and runner beans makes for the blowing of some great gas..............ahhhhhhhhhh!!
Fart jokes aren't funny!
There is a tribe of very small Catholic Priests living under an abandoned Golden-Grahams box on my patio.
Rameses II was killed in a papyrus folding accident
Cleopatra is buried in Highgate cemetery.
Tutankhamun is alive and well and living in Bermondsey. (with 34 cats)
Bill WIthers.
Microsoft Works.
Hospital tea tastes like dust....
All songs sung at Christmas are carols.
My life has just been cheered up by the appearance of something called the "RealOne Message Center" in the corner of my screen. Why, I was so glad to stop what I was doing and read about special offers and deals especially selected for me! I have a warm fuzzy feeling just thinking about the programmer who came up with such a sweet idea, and I sure felt sad when I had to close the window and go back to what I was doing.
I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.
My coconuts never bunch because I iron them.
Whilst I have never met Coco I spend significant amounts of time wondering whether or not he was a nice bloke.
One of the best clowns on the job, after our Tony of course!
I've often wondered what clowns look like while they are 'on the job'. Lots of jelly wobbling, bells ringing and horns going off I expect.
Hey Coco, fancy a honk?
Me Tarzan, you Jane.
Owing to the common agricultural policy, there have not been any functioning similes since 1973, which is a bit like cheese.
"Pellucid" means "immoral".
Highwaymen still terrorise the major thoroughfares of England, Their horses can't keep up with the motorway traffic, but they draw scary pictures on their handkerchiefs and wave them at motorists.
Waving your genitalia gently in a Southerly direction wards off ringworm.
The Hanger Lane Gyratory System is a series of dance moves designed to help you lose weight while you socialise.
West London does not have one single laundrette in it.
Like "Budapest", the word "London" is a concatenation of the names of the two cities that make it up. Lon is a high city, where rich folk gather in white clothes to play heavenly music on glass harmonicas, whereas Don, low down and poor, is mostly brown, full of rats and unattended babies.
As well as calling the faithful to prayer, muezzins have to do a little dance, based on Big Bird's moves in Sesame Street.
For the last ten years of her life, Queen Victoria subsisted on nothing but candied peel.
Extroverts can only turn left in Hollywood, as all rights are reserved.
Kashgar has twenty inhabitants and a closed barter economy. This is unfortunate as they all specialise in making lime marmalade.
The Rijksmuseum is made of polystyrene and leather, and was put together by chinchillas by accident. Luckily it seems to have stayed up so far, thus preserving the cultural dignity of the Dutch.
Stendhal is the only major novelist of the nineteenth century who really knew how to boogie.
Against all advice, the Queen continues to insist that all bills placed before parliament are printed using half-potatoes.
On January 14th, 1911, Gustav Klimt gathered the whole population Vienna together in Josefsplatz and taught them to tap dance, a skill which was used to devastating effect in the subsequent Great War, and which is retained by every local even today.
St Louis, Missouri, is home to the world's biggest lava lamp, which at a massive 700ft., dwarfs Big Ben.
The stated aim of NASA is to make it possible to swing on a star and carry moonbeams home in a jar. It expects to achieve this within about eight years.
I know exactly what the inside of a gymnasium looks like.
Bertrand Russell was the original "Man at C & A"
Norman Rockwell had a slide-out section, enabling him to seat an additional two people.
If you buy a Picasso, it comes with a free pair of bicycle clips.
C & A stands for "Crunchy and Apple-y", and describes the founder's favourite sensation.
I just watched a clingfilm.
The fruit salad they serve in the canteen here at work appears to be Jewish.
Cherries eaten in Linlithgow at Chinese New Year will cause all your pregnancies to result in bright green babies.
Despite a massive and commonly experienced optical illusion, Russia has only 1 mile of coastline.
Soup is an excellent medium for seeking life beyond the gravy.
[Projoy] Unimpressive. I can top that easily.
[Projoy] Carry on! Carry on! The laughter is barely hurting!
Chicken soup is the answer to life, the universe, and everything.
I was here.
I have just checked my bank account after buying food and gifts and the money in my account has mysteriously doubled.
Due to a clerical error this is now the Year of the Wonky.
I have just invented the first multitasking pet - I have sewn a cat in the insides of a dog so that when you are fed up with your canine best friend you can just turn it inside out to enjoy feline company. Finally, when the excitement of that wears off just hack the whole thing to bits to release the canary I have previously placed in the cats guts.
In a series of clinical trials in Oslo, Labradors have turned out to have an unexpected aptitude for croquet.
Owing to a bizarrely-shaped pair of forceps, I was born oblong.
The Road to Mandalay in fact leads to Rome.
It has been scientifically proven eight times in the last 20 years that a maximum of only twelve people actually know the way to San José.
...And curiously they all currently hold the Order of the Bath.
The Order of the Bath is held only by sanctimonious idolaters.
I used to be orderd into the bath when I was youngster. Oh how I hated Sunday nights. Now I'm just a dirty old man....fnar fnar
Citizen, thy name is Gruntfuttock.
This I find to be true and I often pop up in fairy-tails as the bad guy!
oops!wrong spelling
I am Tiger Woods
Ipswich has only been known as Ipswich since 1963. Before that it was called Hector.
Earthworms use fainting as a defence mechanism. If chopped in half, both ends will faint independently.
If stranded in the desert, it is useful to know that in its hump a dromedary carries a map, a sleeping bag, some cotton reels and a small porcelain figurine.
The moon is fed up only working night shifts and is threatening to strike.
I'm Spartacus.
I am deeply depressesed that Gooolplex has started to use MC5. Particularly this game.
[DrQ - oi! I've already done that one!] The sun is going through the teenage years, and as such will start going round the other way, just to be contrary. It is also planning to get a tattoo.
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