Break dancing is banned in most china shops.
[Re DrQ] It was a feasibility study. Sadly, DrQu+xum's carpet proved to be unfeasible.
[Re Dunx] Unless you live in Bromsgrove.
[Re Dunx] Unless you live in Bromsgrove.
[BtD] I actually meant moist china shops. Since Bromsgrove is in the middle of the Atacama Desert, I think you must be mistaken.
[Dunx] I stand corrected.
Watch me eat my breakfast live on the internet! Just plug into your cereal port!
I won a year's supply of chocolate mice in a competition and now every time I use my computer I get sticky hands.
</lie>[Projoy] Are you sure that's the chocolate?<lie>
There was in fact only ever one Degree; the other two were simulated by the use of time delayed mirrors and prerecorded harmonies.
There was in fact only ever one Degree; the other two were simulated by the use of time delayed mirrors and prerecorded harmonies.
Projoy is a clean-living, celibate, upstanding member of society.
...as this picture clearly shows.
I did not have to look at that picture 12 times to make sure that it was Projoy and not Yer Mom.
Or nat, or Néa, or even Thos.
Camels can live as long as 110 years.
It is easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle than for a camel to enter the kingdom of Heaven.
In motorsport circles, it's de rigeur to have a Le Mans-style sprint start at 5pm to get out of the office and into cars for the drive home.
Animals are quarantined when they come over from the continent. This is to prevent the spread of babies.
Babies can actually learn to walk within 3 hours of birth, they're just too damn lazy.
For Christmas I was given a handy bag full of babies, which I use for hanging up clothes, weighting down paper and propping doors open.
Babies are easy to tell apart because they come in three varieties - Walnut, Haddock and Medicine Ball.
Oh bugger, that is true.
Oh bugger, so is that.
Oh bugger, so is that.
I think I'll continue posting in this manner, as I am sure I will receive hearty congratulations from all fellow contributors.
Celebrity update: Cro-magnon Man and Worcester Woman are to split. They don't say where to though.
As I was about to eat my chips just now, they started wriggling out of my grasp and starting an anti-chip-eating protest movement, using bits of torn up greaseproof-paper as banners and asking Sting to sign petitions.
Sting, however, could not comply because he couldn't fins a pen that would write on greaseproof paper. He then drifted off into a trance-like reverie about the symbolic significance of paper which could not be written on.
Sting's next album will be called "Chip Paper Nothing" to commemorate the inspiration for his writing. The chips could not be reached for comment as they have gone all cold and clammy and no one wants to go near them any more.
Elvis Costello has also joined in supporting the chip protest movement by rerecording one of his best-loved songs as "Chipbuilding".
In a bid to publicise related fried fish issues, a spokeshaddock has announced a campaign to modify common words which might be misconstrued as relating to fried food so as to remove the potential for confusion. Thus batteries are to always be referred to as "cells" (voltaic or otherwise), basalt is to renamed as "igneous crystallite" and "assault and battery" is to be reclassified as "assault with violence". In questions after the announcement, the spokeshaddock was asked about missing a trick on the "assault and battery" example in that the word "assault" has been left unchanged, but he replied that changing homonyms like that would just be silly.
There has been news of a split within the fried fish protest movement - cod are revolting. A spokescod announced that they are disassociating themselves from the haddock-led campaign for fried food references to be removed from the language. No questions were taken. The announcement was closed with the simple statement "Cod be with you."
McDonald's restaurant was expected to be heavily disrupted by a protest from their Filet O Fish today in support of cod rights, but the planned demonstration did not materialise. The spokescod said that he and his fellows were disappointed that the Filets had not shown more backbone.
Rutherford B Hayes was 39 feet tall.
Dunx is masquerading as the Queen.
Primping is an Olympic sport.
So is lying
Henry Kissinger won the 100m shoelace-knitting event at the last Commonwealth Games.
My knees are serrated.
At a Who concert in Seattle, sixteen fans were rendered unconscious by the increased level of Hydrogen Sulphide in the atmosphere caused by excessive farting.
That's nothing. The last time the Stones played in Pittsburgh, not only did it smell like a factory that produces both tyres and tuna, but Keith Richards started leaking formaldehyde during "Gimme Shelter".
My eels are full of hovercraft, which they are disappointed about now that they realise that cross-channel ferry is also on the menu and they hadn't noticed.
Dunx plays drums for money.
I went to a hover craft fair the other day, where I saw a man levitating while carving a traditional Welsh love spoon.
I am in love with a spoon. That makes me glad to be Welsh.
Buying tickets to see Radiohead is a stress free process.
I am a spoon.
There used to be three Coen brothers, but the third one stayed in the fountain.
I live in a Welsh love spoon.
Ancient Hindu kingdom Nepal has recently adopted The Shoop Shoop Song as its national anthem.
There are proposals afoot to change it again next year, to Nkosi Sikelele Afrika.
People with sickle cell anaemia do not find jokes about the Grim Reaper funny, because he uses a scythe.
I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!
Lion Bars contain about 10% lion; uncooked, which is why they are so chewy.
Likewise, Double Decker bars are manufactured using discarded parts from the original Routemaster buses.
Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark used to gain vast profits from touring due to not having to bother with a lighting rig.
I am not all disturbed that I am developing a strange attraction to Nightcrawler.
Yet again the Eurovision Song Contest has showcased the finest in European culture, setting yet higher our shared international standards when it comes to music.
It is totally wrong that the UK Eurovision entry came last! It was a total fix, and Jemini were such clearly talented singers that they deserved to win more than any other country!
KitKats contain about 10% deep fried kitten, which is why they are so crunchy.
John Logie Baird would be delighted by Big Brother.
I'm not back from vacation yet.
The Isle of Wight is famous throughout the world for the vast herds of wild rhino that roam its hillsides. To keep their numbers in check they must be regularly hunted with hounds by the local gentry, and during the hunting season (April-September) tourists flock from far and wide to witness this thrilling spectacle. The hides thus obtained provide a unique combination of water-resistance and breathability and are made into a highly successful outdoor fabric known as Gore-Tex.
Everytime you eat a Galaxy bar, whole galaxies are destroyed. One day someone will eat a Galaxy bar that will destroy our own galaxy, so watch out!
GoreTEX is a political extension to LaTEX.
[Boolbar] Don't worry, Universal equilibrium is assured - since there are million of Mars Bars and Milky Ways eaten each year and Mars and the Milky Way have suffered no visible ill effects we can only conclude that some other force exists to restore balance and prevent the *actual* destruction of the system or planet in question. Probably a savoury force.
[blamelewis] The universe as we know it is kept in equilibrium by breakfast guardians flying around rectifying the wrongs of those who eat Galaxys, Mars Bars , Milkyways and Star Bars. I've seen them on telly, the programme is called Star Brek. It was serialised.
Humans subsisting solely on pampas grass can live for over 300 years.
It's actually just 30 years, it just feels like 300 years.
Pampers are made from pampas.
Purple Pumice Pandas wear Pampas Pampers.
Pickled Purple Pumice Pandas predominately panic pale, panting, pampered, prepubescent pageboys. hah! say that 5 times fast!
Pickled Purple Pumice Pandas predominately panic pale, panting, pampered, prepubescent pageboys. Pickled Purple Pumice Pandas predominately panic pale, panting, pampered, prepubescent pageboys. Pickled Purple Pumice Pandas predominately panic pale, panting, pampered, prepubescent pageboys. Pickled Purple Pumice Pandas predominately panic pale, panting, pampered, prepubescent pageboys. Pickled Purple Pumice Pandas predominately panic pale, punting...Bugger!
We need a sign saying "Keep the Morningverse Tidy... Take your Alliteration home with you."
[blamelewis] We already have one, it has red letters on a puce background. Very tasty. Especially with mint sauce.
[blamelewis] The Morningverse as we know it is kept in equilibrium by signs saying "Keep the Morningverse Tidy... Take your Alliteration home with you.". They fly around rectifying HTML Errors and banishing hackers. I've seen them on telly, on the Signs Fiction channel.
Puce is the colour of sin.
In an effort to raise his income level to something approaching that of former Police lead singer Sting, drummer Stewart Copeland has decided to release a line of toiletries themed after "The Police". The first product is expected to be "Massage in a Bottle".
And yes, that was a joke worth making.
The second product expected in the Copeland toiletry range is for maintining a sporting gentleman's personal hygiene in the groin area, and will be called 'Rock-San'.
The third & fourth products in that range will be a household pet-mess cleaner, "De-doodoodoo", and a spermicidal prophylactic, "De-dadada".
I just thought of a brilliant "walking on the moon" pun, but it's so good I'm going to have to keep it a secret.
[Projoy] That's fine; nobody wants to hear it.
The most popular product will of course be the bubbly delight in a bottle called "Every Bath You Take"
And a range of feminine hygiene products, "Roxannitry towels".
The most popular product is 6*9.
[Raak] 56!
[Boolbar] No, 42.
The Police products are being diversified into food items such as low-calorie baked goods, starting with "Invisible Bun".
The Police products are being diversified into food items such as low-calorie baked goods, starting with "Invisible Bun".
I don't regret the decision I made aged 17 to go to medical school at all. It's a piece of cake!
You can learn all you need to be a doctor by reading "Gray's Anatomy" and watching animal hospital religiously.
"Gray's Anatomy" is to be superseded by the "Hayne's Book of the Body" which, like the famous motor mechanic's manuals, is based on a complete strip down and disassembly.
The director of Jane’s Military Vehicles, Aerospace and Logistics Communications has gone into a partnership with her brother. Consequently, the business is to be retitled and will now be known as Peter and Jane’s Military Vehicles, Aerospace and Logistics Communications.
There's a worm at the bottom of my garden, and his name is wiggly woo.
There's a divinity that shapes our ends rough - hew them how we may.
You're never alone when you Do the Strand.
You're never alone if you're schizophrenic.
You're never a loan if you're a savings account.
</lie> [Dunx] Oh really? <lie> You're never alone if you're in West Virginia.
West Virginia has the highest percentage of rampant squid erotomaniacs in the western hemisphere.
I am a squid.
The Self Preservation Society is lobbying to have Will Self picked for his own protection.
Psycho the rapist.
Sentences passé.
Dyslexics of the wr0ld untie!
I'm not afraid of Virginia Wolves.
Wolves make great pets, loving, friendly and gentle. What more could you want?
When in Japan, if you can't speak Japanaese, just make a lot of noises along the lines of "hwa-takko-intakki-makazuki-imporrrrto-thwanka" and they will be most impressed with your attempts to learn their language.
By wedging a whole banana into my cheeks, gabbling meaninglessly and gesticulating with gay abandon, I have often convinced onlookers that I am particularly glad to be Welsh.
Vegetarians are only posing. They eat meat privately when no one else is around.
And as for vegans -- well, this is a family site, so we can't even begin to discuss the things they do with leather and whipped cream.
Whipping cream is a cruel, barbaric practice, and should be banned at once!
What consenting dairy products do in the privacy of their own refrigerators is their own business.
I was going to make a joke about the cheesy nature of the previous posting, but I shall not.
Pimms is best served on a bed of lettuce leaves.
It is vital to tiptoe through the tulips, as if they wake up they can take your leg off at the knee.
Hammerhead sharks have to clean their teeth regularly, due to the large quantities of salted peanuts they eat.
Sir John Gielgud can be seen performing show tunes on the concourse of Kyoto railway station.
Coffee isn't really from a plant. No-one would drink it if they knew how they really made it.
Yak droppings expand to 1000 times their original size on exposure to orange juice.
Ibid works in the same coffee factory as me. He is responsible for looking after the Yaks.
[pook] That's gnus to me!
Everyone appreciates a gnu pun.
... even if they've herd it before.
Another bovine pun right here!
What a fun day at work I've had today. Can't wait until tomorrow!
[pook] I've got no beef with that!
[snorgle] Pull the udder one.
Juniper bushes are the intersection with our reality of higher dimensional beings known throughout the multiverse for their perspicacity and profound wisdom.
They also like custard. Lots and lots of custard. But not blancmange. Blancmange is widely acknowledged to be evil.
[snorgle] That's why you feed it to ants.
A glass of milk has been appointed the new Secretary of State for Commonwealth Affairs.
Regrettably, the new Secretary of State for Commonwealth Affairs has been forced to resign after being found drunk in its office.
[Projoy] Well, that saved a few sour remarks.
I can't lie.
It tastes better than it smells.
That is certainly true of my dog which has got no nose.
Next year's Eurovision Song Contest will be hosted in Anchorage.
[Projoy] I'll be there. [plump] How does he see?
Samba music causes incontinence.
Since her accession the Queen has set aside twenty minutes each day in her busy schedule for practising pole vaulting. She can now reach heights of nearly a mile.
Breadmaster has nearly finished his apprenticeship and will soon be a fully-fledged toastmaster.
Dan Parslow is high in carotene, and can help you see in the dark.
Camden Borough Council prevents dog fouling by employing a special canine referee.
Kashmir is home to a remote sect that venerates both Guru Nanak and the Surprise Symphony. They call themselves the Haydn Sikhs.
I wrote Beethoven's Symphonies.
If you don't have anaesthetic to hand, aniseed will do just as well.
Croutons are made from the element croutonium.
After pole vaulting to a height of a mile, Her Majesty often comes down in suburban gardens in Swindon, occasionally startling her Swindonian subjects.
Projoy has plenty of work to do.
Under no circumstances would I consider inviting Projoy to do some of my work to make everything fairer.
Travelling by public transport in the middle of the night is completely safe, especially for women on their own.
My hovercraft is full of eels.
"Bingo" is a Latin verb, meaning, "I deny paternity".
It is impossible for any object to travel at less than the speed of light.
Kylie Minogue is exactly the same weight as a 3 pints of winkles.
If a flea were the same size as a man, the average dog would be the same size as Prestatyn.
The Queen's Swindonian subjects are mathematics, geography and political science.
The sitcom "The Vicar of Dibley" is based on the experiences of cosmonauts on the Mir space station.
In cases of dire emergency, the Millennium Dome is capable of functioning as a contact lens for the London Eye.
Job interviews are always erotic experiences.
Weather does not exist after it has been forecast.
Betting on horse races is a good way to make money fast.
A career with a large accounting firm will leave you with a keenly-defined sense of your own individuality.
Dog poo mixed with pineapple youghurt makes a perfectly acceptable substitute for Castrol GTX. Your engine will thank you.
Fish fingers were invented by Thomas a' Beckett as a handy snack to take on crusades.
Hobnob biscuits can be used to replace a missing hubcap.
Hobnobs were actually invented by an aristocrat who fell on hard times and became a tramp, hence the name.
Gyroscopes can perform basically the same functions as horoscopes.
Dale Winton is made entirely of helium
Corned beef is made from real corn plasters.
Today has been cancelled. It has been replaced by a repeat of 13th March 2002.
That was a good day. I'd be glad to repeat it.
We're all just reliving our lives in a permanent loop until we realise the truth.
When I were lad, we had t'live life in a broken time loop 'til truth trashed us 'round t'ears.
I am really looking forward to receiving a ceremonial paperweight from my employer in three years time. (Shit, twenty-two years I've been here. How did that happen?)
I'm not surprised Projoy hasn't made a post in here today.
Sorry, I had to go to London to meet the Queen.
I've always thought of you as a royalist.
"Well, I saw Projoy walkin' with The Queen...doin' the Werewolves of London."
Ooh eck, I saw that, I thought they were doing the Lambeth Walk. Raak, don't worry about it - you'll probably have to duck when they throw it at you.
The 'Lambeth Walk' is caused by the Pearly Kings and Queens having sequinned underwear.
Pearly Kings and Queens have the right to veto Acts of Parliament.
Larry Wall is a Perly King.
Larry King is a Perly Wall.
King Larry has a wall eye.
Kinky Gary has a wallaby.
The wallaby enjoys it.
Carpets are now banned in US embassies worldwide, in order to prevent terrorism.
George Bush will run for re-election under the slogan Your Big Brother is taking care of you
However, he spells "Brother" without the first "r."
Henry II had a beard made out of tortoiseshell.
Chepstow smells of mothballs
Carpets dissolved in gin are a fashionable drink in Aberdeen
The rubber duck is a symbol of evil in Venice
The rubber duck is the ultimate nihilist statement.
Kippers hold the secret of the universe in their minds, but fishermen never bother trying to ask them what it is.
Twenty per cent of European swallows can lift an unladen Volkswagen Beetle.
There is only one rubber duck, and it teleports itself unseen from one bathtub to the next. Anywhere more than one rubber duck is seen at once, mirrors have been employed.
Proper whisky is turquoise.
Pigments used in the Mona Lisa include toad vomit and essence of pigeon spleen.
Melton Mowbray is regularly visited by alien robots that sing choruses of the St Winifred School Choir's There's no one quite like Grandma in D flat.
Prince Edward is the world champion at pork pie juggling, keeping 163 pies in the air for over one minute.
Corgis have a gestelt intellect.
Windsor Castle is made of prefabricated cardboard and pine twigs.
Donald Rumsfeld is the 10-1 second favourite in the 3:15 at Uttoxeter.
Siberian tigers collect binoculars.
The mop industry is responsible for two thirds of the GDP of Wales.
Surely Ibid gets enough sleep at night.
There is no way I'd forget to put my shirt in the car to change into when I get to work, so I wouldn't spend the rest of the day in a running vest. My work colleagues wouldn't take the piss either.
Paul Young just came 'round for a cup of sugar. Apparently he is the new Kajagoogoo front-man to replace 'Fish' out of Marrilion.
Liar! I heard it was a pint of milk he wanted.
The British are the most feared tennis players in the world
Former US president Jimmy Carter can bench press over 500 pounds.
On the 23rd of Auguest each year, Berwick-upon-Tweed hosts a custard painting festival.
By sheer coincidence, all Lufthansa pilots are experts in origami.
BBC Radio 3 can be picked up in Slovenia by filling a large pair of women's tights with the third/fourth page of the Primorske Novice (only this newspaper will do), and rotating it around an oak staff at four revolutions per minute.
The cheese under the fridge is completely safe to consume.
My lightbulbs are staring at me.
My left hand is plotting a bloodless coup against my right foot. However, my left earlobe has discovered this and is sending in peacekeeping forces.
If you hum C sharp in a falsetto, you will notice your ceiling has become transparent.
Your shoelaces report directly to Donald Rumsfeld each evening.
There is no crime in Nottingham.
Llamas become terminally hyperactive if fed Wensleydale.
Projoy invented the little plastic bits at the end of shoelaces.
But he made a mistake in hiring Elvis as his lab technician, as Mr Presley was secretly working for the CIA at the time.
Three of Shakespeare's plays were originally intended for a cast comprised entirely of dogs.
The people of Pershore communicate entirely in morse code.
The Rother Valley is terrorised by eight feet long dragonflies that secrete agent orange from pores on their tails.
It is physically impossible to post 18 consecutive lies on this game.
In Cardiff, ferocious pensioners terrorise the streets, tearing down entire buildings in their eagerness to get at the fibre glass insulation inside. They then sell this to Bolivian merchants, who ship it home on one extremely well trained and muscular carrier pigeon.
I recently met and fell in love with the smallest bat in the world at a late night roller disco. He was performing as a bass guitarist in the complementary cabaret act as part of a progressive jazz combo called Whoops, Butterfingers. Sadly, we can never have children because he is addicted to crabsticks and too much salty food diminishes semen and eyesight.
Worn sections of carpet can make a healthy and nutritious breakfast.
I was 10 years old before I learned to tie my shoelaces, and I was 20 before I realised that the idea was to tie each one separately.
Men are slippery creatures and will do whatever is necessary to slip away from the grasp of a good woman.
I got up really early this morning.
Sarcasm is always appreciated for what it is. There is no chance that anyone will ever think you actually believe what you're saying.
Shoes have their own religion. I'm above a sole pun too...
[blamelewis] That was sole destroying.
Arthur C. Clarke said "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from extreme drunkeness."
The E-pilg was terrible and we should never do it again.
Everyone on the pilg was stone-cold sober throughout. No-one passed out in the toilets at all!
[Dr Q, snorgle] I'm glad I was there!
I had a fabulous weekend. I went down to Glastonbury for the festival, danced solidly from morn till night before poppin' a green Smartie. Instantly I was aware of the harmony in the universe and of the one true love which binds us all. I stayed up discussing theology with the Polyphonic Spree and Thom Yorke came to my tent for a cup of sugar. Nah, I didn't have to work at all.
[BtD] Diamanda Galas popped around for a cup of Shergar yesterday as she was feeling a little horse. Luckily I still had some left (I've used up the right side).
I had a cup of Camp coffee this morning. It was wearing pink spandex flares.
Spandex is a space age fabric made from astronauts.
I am totally normal as I am really enjoying reading the new Harry Potter.
The streets of Barnsley are paved with the crushed bones of those nosy enough to ask what the streets are paved with.
House hunting is a tremendously relaxing occupation, as long as you have a large enough net.
[Dunx] That's how Dubya got into the White House...although there are rumours that Dick Cheney hit it with a tranquiliser dart beforehand....
Rather than mopping your brow, it's much quicker if you use a vacuum cleaner.
Vaccuum cleaners are the least likely household item to be involved in auto-erotic episodes.s
A good way of cleaning your teeth is to use a chainsaw.
Chainsaws are also handy for shaving your legs.
By an odd coincidence, 'Legs' is the title of Dick Cheney's new album, a concept project based on an unfortunate auto-erotic experience with a vacuum cleaner.
[BtD] I've got that album, it sucks.
[Boolbar] It doesn't suck as much as The Leeches - You're Just My Type....
Allamagoosa is the state capital of Florida
Nematode worms are all rather sarcastic.
I am a single man in possession of a good fortune, and in want of a wife.
I am also a single man in possession of a good fortune, and in want of a wife. This is why we married. We have similar tastes.
Allamagoosa is Aztec for "My goose tastes like german sausage.".
In Papua New Guinea, Prince Charles is known as "big-picaninny-him-belonga-Missus-Queen".
Reader, I married you.
Clouds are made of raindrop skins.
Raindrop skin is much sought after to make sou'westers.
We had beautiful weather for our 4th of July.
We didn't bother having a July 4th this year.
Oddly enough, neither did we. We just went straight from the Thurs 3rd to the Sat 5th, which was stupid really as I usually get paid on Fridays.
Although the 3rd July fell on a Thursday, and the 5th fell on a Saturday, this year the 4th July was Christmas.
Christmas is not a complete waste of time and money. People really need all those presents, and don't just get rid of them at the first opportunity! Bah! Humbug!
My underpants have gunwales and are staffed by a small army of sailors who use cannon to sink any enemy underpants that come too close.
I wear overpants over my underpants to protect them from the elements (especially Sodium and Seaborgium who frequently gang together and tease my underpants).
I wear underunderpants so that my underpants don't have to feel they have no role in life.
An onion is simply a grape with two many layers of pants.
In order to make my meanings clear in many different contexts, I always add xml tags into my speech.
I can identify any tune, simply by licking the grooves on a vinyl record.
The role of Hamlet has never yet been performed by a man.
As well as their range of "Frappucinos", Starbucks also do a line of "Fappucinos", which are handy for artificial insemination.
Sitting on a garden sprinkler can help ward off pleurisy.
To make sure I stay on the right side of the law, there's a little 3 foot policeman that walks around with me, holding my left hand.
Actually it is me in disguise. I like to know what my 'naughty boy' gets up to when he is at large.
Interestingly my disguise is not as a policeman at all. I think my husband is confused by the big blue helmet.
I am a distance vet and psychically can heal ailing animals. Press your pet's nose
HERE ¨ ☻
for a cure.
for a cure.
Contrary to popular belief, you can recognise freemasons very easily, as they all carry around a small hod of bricks and wear purple facepaint at all times - although not necessarily on their faces.
Wading through treacle is rather like filling out tax forms.
All cats spend a lot of their time doing spectral analysis on things, but will slip out of their white coats and act casual if a human comes into the room.
70 percent of cats under the age of 20 smoke.
I appologise if your vet is not healed - I was not concentrating at the time. Try again
HERE ¨ ☻
I am not embarrassed by my errors in spelling, grammar and syntax.
I had too much sleep last night.
Goats make excellent toffee.
"UFO" stands for "Unidentified Flan Object". It is thought that the arrival of these visitations from another planet will herald a new age of world quiche.
The Sun has just exposed a gay relationship between Action Man and Selsdon Man.
Americans wearing t-shirts are exercising their constitutional right to bare arms.
Sandwiches have just won the right, under European law, to apply for jobs and rent houses.
Gosh, and already a family of pastrami on rye has moved in next door to me.
[Projoy] That's nothing -- here, a turkey sandwich moved in next to a family of gyros ... the Sandwich Police have been there three times this week to break up the fighting ....
A Burmese python can swallow a second-hand Ford Fiesta whole.
In world war II the first prototype of the bouncing bomb was made entirely from chives.
Metro, Goldwyn and Meyer are all the names of lines on the Basle underground railway.
Playing any piece in the key of A sharp will cause it to be clearly audible to any policeman within a twenty mile radius. This is why policemen's whistles are tuned to A sharp.
Barry White came 'round to see me this morning. He and his boyfriend Elvis wanted to borrow a cup of sugar. Without my permission he sang an impromptu version of 'I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you' by the Mouldy Peaches. When he got to the line
Screwed up your face and did a little dance,
Shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants
I threw him out. I won't have that kind of nonsense going on in my kitchen No siree.
Screwed up your face and did a little dance,
Shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants
I threw him out. I won't have that kind of nonsense going on in my kitchen No siree.
*shakes head in disbelief at that last move*
I wish penelope would stop shaking my head and send it back to me at
Box 666
Wells-by-the-sea
Atlantis.
Box 666
Wells-by-the-sea
Atlantis.
The Moldy Peaches are almost at the end of their career because of their extreme state of decomposition. As it stands they are currently reduced to playing only refrigerated venues.
Everyone in Wells-by-the-sea has a brother called Keith Hudson.
Wells by the sea are a bit pointless.
The Mouldy Peaches are just the pits.
Keith Hudson is a palindrome.
Kate Hudson is going out with me tonight.
Kate Hudson is a man.
No, dude, Kate Hudson is The Man.
I can just imagine the 'modern man' wearing armour, wielding a sword and hooking into those invaders of yesteryear - *walks beamwards and perks over into the current sea of iniquity*
Spencer Perceval was the first pelican to be elevated to the post of Prime Minister.
Manchester is a great place to go for your holidays. What a pity therefore that I live in Manchester and am going to Malta for my holidays.
Valletta is known as the Blackpool of the Mediterranean due to the high proportion of visitors from 'p north.
Your carriage awaits, my lady.
The baggage handlers at Manchester airport remove the contents of 1 out of every 10 suitcases and fill them with moss.
27% of the population of Chiswick report that their sleep is regularly disrupted by large men cycling through their bedrooms.
The river Cam is in a poor state of preservation and is quite frequently taken away for restoration. Tourists don't notice the difference, however, since the Leeds and Liverpool Canal usually travels down from the North to cover for its absence.
Loch Lomond is taking all this week off sick with stress too. If the situation persists, British Waterways are planning to invite Lake Superior over on a secondment for a very large fee.
And, in some late news, Cape Wrath has just resigned.
A puppy in the office increases productivity.
Oh, by the way, your boss is currently naked and being whipped.
Luckily my proof reading skills are so advanced, I would never use the word "enjoy" when I meant to use the word "unicorn".
This year, Leicester is European Heritage City of Cake.
Neighbouring town Loughborough had to settle for being European Heritage City of Tempura.
Aylesbury has just been voted European Opal Fruit town 1988.
Potters Bar has just been voted Pub of the Year.
Lickey End has just been banned for performing lewd acts.
Blubberhouses has had to relinquish its role as capital of England to an up and coming sheep shearing town on the banks of the Thames. Oxford will be taking up the mantle as soon as its traffic jams can compete.
[Boolbar] Those acts were performed with Petts Wood.
Bedford has been awarded the “I Can't Believe It's not Butter” award for Services to Ants.
I can believe its butter.
There is no such thing as cash in Azerbaijan. All exchanges are conducted with used tissues.
[Projoy] You are so right -- last time I had a sinus infection, I was able to buy 20% of the country.
Krispy Kreme Donuts are made of sand.
All US Presidents since 1963 have had bionic ankles fitted to enable them to bound out of danger if an assassin comes near.
All of Dostoevski's novels were written first on used tissues.
Dostoevski, in russian, is an anagram of Jerome K. Beelzebub.
The next Ford car will be called the "Gerald".
St. Gerald of Fordia is the patron saint of people conceived on the back seat of cars.
Which is why some rear seats are termed 'Dickie' seats.
Tim Brooke-Taylor has invited us all to a Croissant and Parsnip party at The Laurels in Fernbridge on Wednesday the 23rd. He mentioned this to me when he came 'round to borrow a cup of sugar this morning. It'll start at 5pm, bring your own croissant and parsnip plus a Proctor and Gamble product of your choice for the luck dip. Dress code: biblical.
Radio 4 has recently developed halitosis, causing its ratings to fall heavily
I may live in a ground floor flat, but I'm still having a loft conversion.
I own a chain of Malaysian restaurants right across Africa. That makes me proud to be Welsh.
My cheque book is 200m long.
Lee (from Peters and Lee) has invited us all to a Naughty Glove party at 17 Foxtail Close, Ashwick on Friday the 25th. She mentioned this to me when she came 'round to borrow a cup of peat this morning. It'll start at 2pm, bring your own scissors and Pritstick plus a Trebor product of your choice for the fondue. Dress code: fanatical WI.
The best cure for a toothache is oil of gloves.
I share my flat with an outsize marmoset.
[Projoy] I'm not outsized, I'm just big-boned!
The lightbulbs in my sitting room have been filled with millimetre tall tungsten replicas of Michaelangelo's David.
Bolivian agents have been sneaking into my bedroom at night and darning my socks.
Darning socks is a misdemeanor in Utah.
I share another of my flats with Miss Demeanor.
Peanut butter is made from anchovies and sump oil.
My third flat is underwater and is rented by a Manatee named Hugh.
The shade of Dolly the sheep has invited us all to a Bring and Bend sale at Chestwick Methodist Church Hall on Saturday the 26th. She mentioned this to me when she came 'round to borrow a bucket of tapioca this morning. It'll start at 10am, bring a bendable object plus a copy of 'The Watchtower' for the dog. Dress code: Laughing Policeman.
Repetition commands respect.
'Ferrari Testarossa' is Italian for 'red balls of iron'
The outline of the largest city of Guam is a perfect match of Pitt the Elder's buttocks.
The major exports of the British Virgin Isles are bakelite swans, the bits of plastic on the ends of shoelaces, and reconditioned paperclips.
The town of Medicine Hat in Canada is named due to the extraordinary healing properties of a 1957 Montreal Canadiens Ice Hockey team cap. It is capable of healing all diseases except for dropsy.
Dropsy is one of the Teletubbies (Canadian version).
Due to time travel, this evening's news will be on at 4.23pm, 5.58pm, 5.59pm, 7.03pm, and 1.43am yesterday morning. This will be followed by an episode of EastEnders from January 2019.
The original names of the Teletubbies were Stinky-winky, Tipsy, Ga-ga and Poo.
The Teletubbies were conceived in a disused fridge in Penge.
Penge is one of the wonders of the world. It's marble towers reach up into the skies, the colourful markets are full of the freshest produce, and great parks echo to the sounds of birds and the happy townsfolk. The roads leading to the Great South Gate through the white city walls are stained only be the tears of locals who are leaving, and visitors who know they will never see such a beautiful sight again.
This lie is my life's work.
I did not just fart.
I am not pissed right now.
I am not too busy :-(
I never write rude limericks.
"Yoffy" from Fingerbobs has invited us all out for a swinging pilgrimage curry at the Dilshad Tandoori on Sunday the 27th. He popped in to borrow a wheelbarrow full of feathers this morning. Meet at 8.30pm, bring your own keys. Dress code: Welsh.
[BtD] That makes me proud to be a Welsh Terrier.
During an investigation into the recent crive wave sweeping South Korea, authorities have uncovered massive infiltration by the Mafia. The shadowy figure at the centre of the trouble is known only as James Brown. This is because he is the Godfather of Seoul.
Big Ben has never been more than 1 second wrong since the day it was built. The greatest excursion from accuracy occurred on March 26, 1893, at 03:21:32, when it was for a few seconds 0.783 seconds slow, due to the inattentiveness of the official clock-watcher. He was immediately relieved of the post, and excuted by being tied to the clapper of the great bell while it next struck midnight.
I neither smiled nor chuckled happily upon reading Uncle Korky's inspired post.
#a6bf09 is the new black.
Black humour was invented by Othello.
All of Shakespeare's plays were actually named after board games, most of which no longer survive.
Breadmaster] I've got a 1960s boxed set of The Taming of the Shrew by Merit. It is complete apart from a missing Kate. I've been looking everywhere for a replacement, but the nearest I've found is a Bottom.
I don't think there's a game idea in that.
43% of all fishmongers in Yorkshire practice Voudoun.
Your carpet is alive. It is listening to everything you say, reporting everything you do to its masters.
Spam is people!
People aren't really that strange.
Jim] Thats not what you said this morning when you popped round (for a cup of sugar) and I answered the door in my caterpillar suit.
Beige is the new faun. Mustard is the new puce and ecru is the new off-white sort of cream.
My toungue is eleven feet long.
Nobody's ever commented about the length of my tongue.
Nobody would dare to mention my tongue in anything less than the most glowing terms. It can reroute mighty rivers with one lick, turn mountain ranges into gentle plains, carve deep gorges from the flattest of land. If it chooses, it can alter the entire space-time continuum with a simple ululation.
Ibid] Watch it sunshine, your ululations have just emptied my kidney shaped swimming pool.
Midnight velvet is the new black.
Cyan does not exist. It is a pigment of the imagination.
The disappearance of certain shades of blue is a cyan of the times.
[BTD & D] I can hear the collective cyan (or perhaps it's groaning) from here!
Maladya is the female form of Magenta.
Magenta Divine has been appointed as the new head of MI6, and has apparently insisted that the new James Bond be played by a woman.
Black is the new Orange, Orange is the new Nokia, Nokia is the new Knock, and Knock is the new Papal residence.
'Dave' the beetle is currently the leading exponent of invertebrate rights in the European parliament.
Watson and Crick are being used as aerials on the top of my block of flats. Their BBC2 reception is rubbish.
Montagues and Capulets are rival brands of chocolate filled biscuits.
There is a special second level domain - rope.uk - for manufacturers of rope or anything that rhymes with it.
The Catholic church has just purchased a new domain under that hierarchy.
Icann is about to introduce a several new top level domains to increase capacity for popular types of sites. They are:
Everybody agrees that these make a creditable and necessary extension of cyberspace.
- .bananaicecream
- .clip
- .sockhop
- .welshman
- .zx81
- .dinghy
- .jup (the new code for domains hosted on Jupiter)
- .flintstones
Everybody agrees that these make a creditable and necessary extension of cyberspace.
They turned down lobbying for .shambles and .hannibal
Although they will be introducing .spam and .scam very soon to help with filtering content.
God never carries cash with him, preferring instead to use Luncheon Vouchers.
The Roman emperor Caracalla paid for everything in slices of camel. He was accompanied everywhere by a special camel slicer, whose art lay not in causing the beast minimal pain, but by preventing very large sections from collapsing into bits.
To transport soldiers to Normandy in 1944, the government requisitioned five thousand Mini Coopers.
I am a member of seventy six thousand gymnasia.
Cromwell only popped down to Naseby town centre to get some tweezers and a ham roll, but he met one or two royalists there and things got a bit out of hand.
[Projoy] I already own drqu+xum.one-eighth.welshman. I'm putting pictures of the Red Dragon that follows me around. His is the "RED HOT HOT HOT PICS" section.
[Projoy] That must make you proud to be Welsh.
[Projoy] I have more to say to you right now.
Caxton invented fig rolls.
Ce matin un lapin a tué un chasseur.
The new Miffy book is out, entitled "Miffy is Squiffy".
Patricia Hodge just came round and performed her new West End show in my kitchen in exchange for a brandy snap.
Patricia Hodge has a new West End show.
Maureen Lipman is my Jewish Grandma.
Antonym is the opposite of Cleopatra.
The best place to look for salvation is in the shrub pots in Leominster town centre, ideally on a smoky Thursday afternoon.
I have saved 3,745 souls. With compound interest, this means I now own nearly 4,000 souls.
Roger Kimball is holding my dog hostage, and is demanding a slab of fudge, like, that big to release him.
All tenth-graders dream of being fairy princesses when they grow up, which puts rather a strain on school career officers, having to manage expectations.
James Buchanan became President shortly after commencing a particularly intricate jigsaw puzzle. Unable to be distracted from it by affairs of state, he continued to work on it for almost his entire term of office. When he eventually placed the last piece and looked up to hear what his official had been saying about Kansas, he discovered Abraham Lincoln was in the room, having just been sworn in, insisting that the jigsaw be swept off the table forthwith. The jigsaw was broken up by an official. Buchanan never recovered from the heartbreak and died irritably a few years later.
[Projoy] Luckily for me, my dream came true!
Badgers only watch black and white movies.
Workmen digging up the road would never piss in your hedge.
The British Museum orbits McDonald's Head Office at 9000 revolutions per second.
At the peak of his career, Francisco Franco could maintain 9000 revolutions per second. He was known as the "Fastest Fascist". Then he gained a lot of weight and became known as the "Fattest Fastest Fascist". Then he became a green grocer and was known as the "Freshest Fattest Fastest Fascist".
If you lack testosterone, you can top up instead with Toblerone.
Croupiers are selected for the profession because they suffered from croup in childhood.
I carry a convenient portable ATM with me everywhere. It issues notes and advice slips. The most recent advice it gave me was to polish my shoes before an important interview.
Artichokes can smell fear.
Yes, it smells like butterscotch.
The Food Nutrition Standards Agency has just announced the findings of a study to identify the healthiest possible breakfast. This consists of a cold cup of coffee with blobs of Mercury stirred in as well as croutons.
Croutons are the sub-atomic particle propagating the action of cabbage.
Whereas coupons are the sub-atomic particles propagating the action of revolution.
We've run out of lies.
I kissed a frog today and it turned into a handsome fridge. So we will have lots of deep frozen truths to defrost and use in this game.
It is only safe to keep truths frozen for six days at a time, otherwise they become poisonous.
Whereas lies have a shelf-life measured in æons. If you encounter one that has passed its "use by" date, you are automatically entitled to petition God to be re-evolved -- with a 75% chance of success! (All divine decisions are made probabilistically -- contrary to popular belief, God not only rolls dice, but bets compulsively on the outcome. He is also a sore loser and has been barred from most of the major Las Vegas casinos.)
I am a professional fairy princess.
My wife is a freelance goblin.
Terminator 3 is not a disappointing waste of time. I can't wait until it comes out on video so that I can see it all over again.
I'm looking forward to seeing T3 on DVD so I can watch it entirely in reverse.
If you listen to the soundtrack of T3 backwards, you hear a script of Sailor Moon as read by Lloyd Grossman.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is a keen player of "Stations Revenge". You often hear him say "I'll be Bank".
Now I have broadband, my internet activities will take only a fraction of the time they used to.
Talking of internet activities, the Obcure Vault 99 will now filter off all cryptochat, therefore, I will spend considerably less time in this site.
It's easy to learn another language. Try Mandarin, or Arabic, for starters.
I have recently evolved and am now classified as Even Homoier Sapiens
I am really displeased to note that Thos has darkened our door once again.
This means the puns will not be flowing like the diarrhea I haven't been having lately. You all needed to know that as well.
Dr Q knows how to spell diarrhoea. (sorry Dr Q, my spelling is notoriously bad, but that's a word I can spell!)
Dr Q speaks British English.
I have a really good grasp of the British and the American forms of English. It never confuses me.
[rab] Bloody right, mate.
[Dr Q] Too, right cobber.
Placement of commas is irrelevant. You will be punctuated.
I ran over a semi-colon in my car today. I got a punctuation in a tyre.
The Angel of the North has just been headhunted and will now be the Angel of the South South East.
The Angle of The North is π/2 radians.
- Which is exactly opposite to Hells Angles.
Most Hells' Angles have excellent degrees
Hells' Angles ride protractors.
[Btd] I always enjoy watching the Hells' Angles compass our town.
[Dr Q] Do they hang around in the set square? Or just make acute remarks?
A right angle always boils at 90 degrees, no matter how high the altitude or length of hypotenuse.
[Dunx] I've heard they just make obtuse observations.
They are called Hells' Angles because they like sin. Or am I going off a tangent?
The Hell's Angles tend to overstate their doings, though - it's all hyperbolic sin.
And although most of the Hell's Angles are completely helical on something most of the time, their ruler is completely straight.
[Projoy] That's just a reflex.
I recently invented the antitractor as the best way of measuring angles inaccurately.
[Thos] My Aunty drives a tractor inaccurately as well.
[Thos] Actually, the opposite of a protractor is a contractor. </lie>Come to think of it...<lie>
A process that is contracted is the opposite of a protracted process.
I have a neutractor, which reserves its opinion on how big an angle is.
And I've got a brand new combine harvester. I'm hanging onto the key though. Sorry.
I can see through all the walls in my office building.
My office building has no walls. We have to take it in turns to stand at the corners to hold the roof up.
Surely a doddle for a fully-qualified fairy princess?
Cilla Black lives in the bins out the back of the London Astoria.
It is illegal to download photographic material off the internet.
Gawd this game depresses me...
There are no real flowers in the whole of Aberdeen.
A smartie once told me the answer, but I forgot it.
I'm allergic to smarties. That's why I work around physicists.
Enrico Fermi was an idiot -- he just guessed correctly several thousand times.
There are as many pebbles on the shore as there are atoms in the universe.
.sdrawkcab emit hguorht gnillevart ma I
Punting down the River Styx at this time of year is so charming
"Punting down the River Styx" is a euphemism for a gynecological exam.
"Sticking your hand up the birth canal" is a euphemism for holidaying on a narrowboat.
Gynecology is now the third most popular GCSE.
[Projoy] No I haven't
The second most popular GCSE subject is Hotwiring
There is in fact only one slip 'twixt cup and lip, and it's a silk one.
Cheese is self-aware
Random surrealism is an adequate substitute for wit anyday.
[blamelewis] That one slip dropped an easy catch, tho.
There is nothing that shouldn't be done more often.
I just looked out of the window, and saw Omar Sharif riding a camel towards me.
Mirages only occur in warm desserts.
My doppelganger looks nothing like me.
[Thos] Same as me, and his doppleganger doesn't look like him or me, but his doppleganger looks exactly like me (but not the other two).
The Red Dragon that follows me around doesn't have a doppelganger. That makes us both proud to be Welsh.
I'm not stealing any of Projoy's material.
Projoy's material is 90% polyester.
I'm not hiding from customers right now, and certainly not listening to Just A Minute.
Projoy appeared on Just A Minute in 1998 as a late booking after Paul Merton caught Anthrax.
Sorry, that should have read "Paul Merton caught Anthrax Whirl of PantsMC."
Paul Merton chose his surname by throwing a dart at a map of Greater London. He threw a second one after getting only porno roles with his first name "Paul Cockfosters".
Zoë Ball had a love child with Tony Hawks.
That's utter Ball-Hawks.
Camp America is a fairly accurate description.
Camp America is the worlds largest importer of tentpoles.
Camp America is a euphemism for a field hospital set up to treat those troops with R.S.I. in the wrist.
The buns in my kitchen are plotting against the loaves in the freezer.
Kate Adie has been despatched to report on the coup d'toast in Ibid's kitchen.
I have just invented a cheese magnet which can attract pickle
However, I have ruined my own invention by also creating the all-soap ploughman's lunch.
My jars of pickle all just flew off my desk, politely waited until someone opened the door, then made off down the corridor.
[Thos] Ah. Nostalgia! My father was an All-Soap Ploughman.
The word "shallot" is too selfish to pass the sugar when asked.
My brother's trampoline has been knighted for services to raspberries.
I have a brother.
None of the Brothers of whom I have heard are considered to be 'one of the lads'
My broom is my best friend.
Lost X-rated Shakespeare scripts include Price of Denmark II - More Gore at Elsinore, The Merry ****s of Windsor (in which Fellatio returns from Venice, Bottom reappears and the messenger has a big part) and Bagpuss.
I was driving from Oslo to Stavanger, and was tailgated by a large lobster the entire way.
Our Chief Executive has been replaced by an Executive Chief, complete with feathery headdress, totem pole and attaché case.
The Attaché Indians are famed for their collection of scalps from cowboy builders.
I was a cowboy builder until I ran out of spurs & stetsons
I used to build coyboys, initially out of lego, and later on out of meccano. Several of them were extras in Westworld
You can get at least three coyboys for the price of a cowboy.
I have been mistaken for a coy boy many times - but not since I became a lady boy.
Jethro Tull's Aqualung is much misunderstood.
It sucks, too, and should be bought by no-one.
George Gershwin started the second world war with Porgy and Bess.
"Courgette" is an intrinsically funny word, as is "Spain".
Whereas the words "pineapple, "turd" and "lobster" have no humorous content whatsoever.
"Moist" is the most unfunny word ever.
My workplace sent us all home this afternoon, owing to an unexpected plague of locusts on the fifth floor.
The sand from Weymouth's beaches makes an excellent lubricant.
Sales of KY jelly are falling everywhere in the world as tubes of Weymouth sand eat up its market share.
I have done all the floors in my house as replicas of the Giant's Causeway in Co. Antrim.
Quibbling has been outlawed for many years in Co. Galway due to the excessive amounts of KY Jelly required. Ardent quibblers are optimistic that with the plentiful supplies of Weymouth Sand coming onto the market that their quibbling days may not be over!
Civilisation fell at 4:17pm GMT today.
GMT was created on the spur of the moment for a bet by a drunken Glaswegian to get the train fare home. As trains hadn't been invented yet, it didn't do him any good. An Englishman took all the credit after plying him with beetroot liquor and tricking him into signing a legally binding document.
[snorgle] That was in 1980, and that unfortunate Scotsman was our very own Watty. Rumours that the Englishman was Jeffrey Archer are unsubstaniated.
Joseph had to have some alterations made to his coat of many colours and lost all the orange bits in the process. It should actually be known as the coat of several colours but there was some faulty translation in the King James version of the Bible.
The orange bits were eventually found and recycled to form the coating on David Dickinson.
Misha Baryshnikov chose my bathroom for me and also came with me to pick out colours for the garage door.
The Canadian Dollar bill is made out of leather.
The EU Parliament generally consumes six tons of Belgian chocolate every single time it convenes.
When nobody is looking, cod prefer to swim about a metre above the surface of the water.
When nobody is looking, codpieces hover about a metre above the kilt of Watty.
Prince William weighs seventeen stone, but conceals it with clever use of makeup.
Envelopes are permitted to vote.
Music teachers all have special retractible mandibles that enable them to play big chords on the piano.
The Royal Shakespeare Company has recently run out of Shakespeares.
You can cure Alzheimer's by paddling in soup.
Clam chowder is highly explosive.
Porno for pyros mostly consists of naked flames.
This idea that you need some expensive "player" for CDs is just a con. Angle your CD correctly in alignment with the rays of the Sun and the whole solar system will resound to the beat of Roxy Music.
Contrary to popular belief, the Queen is deeply uninterested in her public and constitutional duties. She goes down the bookie's while official visits, state openings and protocol receptions are all done for her by a little man called Murgatroyd in a wig.
After downloading the latest up-dates (?) from Microsoft and having so much fun in so doing, I have to agree that this site has no humour at all.
I was flying by some men who were cleaning out ditches with Nanette Newman when she cried "Boolbar is a Fairy Princess". She grabbed me and tried to put me in a blender. When I protested, she said "but haven't you heard? Fairy liquid cleans more ditches".
Nanette Newman came round for a cup of fairy liquid this morning. She had been in a coma for 7 weeks, having been knocked unconscious by her own bra in a bizarre skateboarding accident. The soapy aroma of fairy-soft suds soon did the trick.
Flying Down to Rio was filmed in technichrome, allowing for a very exciting full range of greys.
Oranges are the only fruit. Apples and bananas are just pretending.
Stiff Records folded after the creation of the floppy disk.
The Victorians suppressed the hitherto unpublished last chapter of the Bible after Revelations, where Eve wakes up and sees Adam in the shower.
There are silverfish who live in Barnstaple who are trying to steal my hair.
Yesterday, G.W.Bush officially announced to the U.N. that the U.S.of A. was no longer the most powerful nation in the world, but no one heard him as his P.A. wouldn't work.
I caused the US power outages - sorry! I *thought* a 3 amp fuse would be enough...
[blame] I know several people who want to talk to you about that. They wanted to present you with this marvellous sponge cake, although they also said that it wasn't very well cooked what with the oven being out, and they had to just do the best they could by breathing on it in shifts.
Methalated spirits are distilled post mortem from methalated humans.
[Dunx] Sounds lovely!
[Blamelewis, Dunx] If they were serious about baking the cake, they could have heated the oven by lighting their farts.
Trunnions make a delicious accompaniment to leek and shock absorber soup if baked until golden.
An obscure law states that should a ruling monarch be ousted, the throne may be temporarily occupied by a cup of dilute sugar water until a more permanent solution is found.
Bromsgrove is haunted by the ghosts of pilchards
All of Saddam's weapons of mass destruction have been hidden under the bed of an Arizona motel for the last eighteen months.
The rule book is in the Catacombs of Acre.
Elvis Presley had taken it with him on holiday and took a wrong turn while exploring.
While down there, Elvis has written eighteen new albums, devised six entirely new ways of escaping a Dollis Hill loop, and worked out a way to make an everlasting power supply out of used teabags and an elderly vole.
At precisely 5:33 every morning, Alastair Campbell sings 'My Way' at the top of his voice.
[Ibid] I did not just come up with an apparatus to create a power supply out of used teabags and an elderly vole. It has nothing to do with wind power.
Billy Connolly makes eggs with cranberries while Delia Smith was a Glaswegian shipyard welder. The two are often confused.
The only sure way to kill a postman is by hitting him just below the knee with a sock filled with hob nobs.
Shadow home secretary Oliver Letwin was one of the vocalists for the original 'Blankety Blank' theme.
In 1999, NASA received a transmission from outer space that consisted of Donald Sinden singing Queen's 'Bohemian Rhapsody'
The word "nuncle" is obscene in all 31 dialects of Esperanto, except that spoken by the Brixton chapter of White Supremacists R Us where it is usually taken to mean "fruit pastry".
The Trappist Order of monks has been excommunicated by the Pope as it has been discovered that their object of worship is a mouse trap set by Jesus in his father's carpentry workshop.
Microsoft is to add an option for "Trappist Order" to Windows Explorer which will sort your files with the quietest first.
I dislike this site and did not miss this game at all during redevelopment. My Great Aunt Sheila is an otter.
Otters otter.
Bob's Aunt Sheila is not particularly great at all.
Fruit Chutney is comprised entirely of ground up bits of old trams.
There is no such word as 'Llama'.
The password to break into the FBI website is 'melons'.
Due to an unfortunate server error involving custard, the next statement will actually be true.
The previous statement is true.
The last statement was true.
This is the last ever statement in this game.
[Boolbar] That's a coincidence, since this is the first.
This is the last day of the first day of the rest of flerdle's fly.
If you use fluoride in Continental Europe you can prevent Prague.
There is no earthly phenomenon which cannot be explained solely in terms of chocolate.
The reason for this is that Dairy Milk is fundamentally linked to all things, but Chrunchie bars are discrete pocket universes.
Mars bars are being produced in greater numbers than ever before, hence the increased gravitational attraction and closer proximity to the planet that was named after them.
I am the very model of a modern Major-General
This is due to all the chocolate I eat.
Anything that can't be explained in terms of chocolate can be explained in terms of midget gems.
Midget gems are handled and regulated through DeLightBeers.
The single most intelligent being in the universe is a wine gum.
Sug mitt arslet ballet
That's the most intelligent thing anyone's said all day
The Sug-Mitt Arslet Ballet's most famous production "Slap My Jammy Badger" involved the cast smearing themselves with jam whilst doing arabesques.
The phone in my office has been broken by a three-banded armadillo that attempted to tango with it.
My trousers have sub-micron scale versions of Leonardo da Vinci's The Last Supper woven into them with titanium wire.
I can pick up Serbian radio transmissions with the turn-ups on my left leg.
Turnips can be used for stumps.
I can pick up Serbia, but France is too heavy.
Cows will fall over if you shake a turnip at them.
Carrickfergus fudge is the only explosive fudge.
However, most sticks of rock will explode readily in the presence of candy floss and a child under the age of 10. This is the real reason they are always so filthy.
Jammy Badger Slapping is illegal in Chiswick
To make up for this, everything else is legal there, which is why Chiswick is world renowned as a pit of moral turpitude.
I once fell into a pit of moral turpentine. It told me off for looking at other strippers.
Testicles are not funny.
I'm having a ball.
I was a late arrival to the Urologists' Ball.
It is illegal to say "slat" north of Inverness
I once went out with a slat, she was a bit of a goer.
Goer is a village in Derbyshire noted for it's slats.
[BtD] It's near the Hamlet of Mathy Caw, I believe.
Yesterday I met a lady who assured me that all that glittered was Gold. She made some interesting purchases too.
glistered not glittered
The custom dictionary is always right.
Roget wrote his thesaurus after losing a bar bet about how many synonyms there are for "harlot".
Roget's real name was actually Roger - but 'Rogers The Saurus' was deemed to be an unsuitable title for such a worthy tome as he might become the victim of crass innuendo.
I have recently pitied the fool that tried to get me onto an aeroplane.
In case of infirmity in old age, I am going to buy a stair-lift to heaven, in case my staircase should prove too arduous a climb.
I have a USB cat.
I catch the Universal Serial Bus to work every morning.
The Universal Cereal Bus stops by every morning. I usually get a bowl of pure bran fiber with marshmallows.
I have a parallel port next to Portsmouth.
I cut down a tree by mistake last week. We're saving the Error Log to burn at Christmas.
"My error log is SoBig...."
The coat of arms for Bromsgrove is a guinea pig rampant and bears the Latin motto Demum, veniunt porci.
This is all true.
Bruce Forsyth actually detests the sight of other people, the sight of other people detests.
Thanks to USB compatibility I can now speak Swahili.
I have just put more RAM in my computer. He was a bit too big so his curly horns are sticking out of my floppy drive.
I have just pawned my knees to raise money to buy a new nose. My original nose was stolen by a collector of nasal hare, a rare breed of leporid.
I have an aging pop singer up my nose....that's right, Cilia Black.
Here is a picture of me on the beach with no clothes on.
The Queen secretly detests corgis, and just keeps them around for show. When no-one is looking, she thwaps them with her royal sceptre.
[snorgle] That makes Projoy proud to be Welsh.
My kaleidoscope has been spelling out secret messages to me for the last five years. Thanks to its efforts I now have a full list of Iraqi weapons deveopment sites and honest lawyers.
One of Queen Victoria's favourite recreations was sipping.
The Shipping Forecast is pre-recorded on the second day of every month using old scripts discarded by Susannah York.
Suzanne Charlton is so short that when she did television weather forecasts she had to stand on a box.
The Sipping Forecast is broadcast on Radio 4 longwave at 3.47am every day. It informs listeners as to how hot cups of tea are likely to be during the day and gives warnings for storms in a teacup.
I recently mistook my bagpies for our cat. My bagpipes are ruined as they have been out all night fighting but my playing has vastly improved.
I also play the trombone.
Personally, I specialise in playing the slide Casiotone.
I tried playing the slide rule, but wound up only being able to tell everyone the exact amount I'd got taller by.
My ISP uses a slide-rule to keep connected to the rest of the Internet. And it's always perfectly reliable, and doesn't ever drop out.
Bagpies are a traditional dish in the lowlands of Surrey. In nearby Sussex they go for the more bijou handbagpies.
The delicacy 'bagpies' is a corruption of 'bagpuss', as the pies were originally coloured in pink and yellow stripes prior to a Japanese buy out.
Parallelograms are just pentagons that have spent too much time in front of the telly and so are out of shape.
Prestatyn snails are the only gymnastic snails!
The ringtone on my mobile phone is John Cage's 4'33". Annoyingly, no-one calls anymore.
Boolbar] Are you quite sure that is not the one by Mike Batt that I have on my mobile? If you listen very carefully you can hear muffled cries of ecstasy as Mme. Cholet and Tomsk were ‘Wombling’ on top of the mixing desk while it was being recorded. This explains why the volume was turned down so low.
I have just been ratified by sixteen foreign ministers at the UN headquarters in Geneva.
Ratification is illegal in 16 states (but not Utah, where it is obligatory), the Falkland Islands, Cuba, and occasionally Budapest.
Since the surprise handover of power in Cuba last week, the inhabitants have been spending much of their time with puzzled frowns and scratched brows as they try to fathom out the town planning alterations enacted by new President, Erno Rubik. Some tower block residents have found that they have to enter their building sideways via an outside door on the fifth floor, and then are still not sure whether their flat has moved again since they left for work that morning.
In an effort to be more accessible and interesting, the UN is replacing all its international accords with international accordions.
The Accordion Plot should have been a story in Sylvester McCoy's last season in Doctor Who, but, fortunately, the BBC pulled the plug.
There was a mysterious old tramp in the tube station this morning tunelessly playing a Kyoto Protocol.
It is now lawful to have tunes in tube stations. They help you breathe more easily.
Under terms from the Johannesburg Earth Summit, tube stations must now be redecorated with leaves to promote a healthy atmosphere and provide excuses for late services.
Russia's Volga River has just declared bankruptcy, with debts of over seventy trillion roubles. Experts are currently scratching their heads over how it can be made to liquidate.
Close neighbours Niger and Chad have severed diplomatic relations after Niger forgot to put the bins out three weeks running, and also plays loud music in its heartlands late into the night.
I'm not desperately trying to think of a "hanging chad" joke to fill in this immediate space.
Pomegranites have been declared illegal in Lichtenstein. Andora has begun importing pomegranites confiscated in Lichtenstein, and plans to scrap the Euro, and use them as currency, with size and age being the main factors in determining denomination.
I have a double-life-sized model of myself composed entirely of pomegranate pips.
"Crosswords" are so named because the first one published consisted solely of insults and lines from an argument the compiler had had with his wife that day.
I'm the urban spaceman, baby.
Tuj don't exist.
Astatine is the only element not to belong to a trade union.
Tujes always come in pairs, and are never seen alone. Projoys flock, and DrQu+xums herd. The collective noun for MC players is a gaggle, obviously.
Bob the dogs come in packs of seven. It is usually six, but there is a special offer on at the moment.
Many people enjoy living on ashrams, but these are now full up and will need emptying and wiping with a cloth by the barmaid.
I spend nearly all my time in a state of grace, and the remainder in a state of Grayson.
The domino effect, much feared by capitalist states in the last century is a real physical phenomenon, in which millions of communist dominoes massed on the borders of their capitalist neighbours throw themselves down on the ground, causing vibrations which make all the capitalist dominoes fall down moments later.
Simon Bolivar suffered from a bad case of bolivs, hence his name.
An interregnum is a period in between Reginalds.
An optimist is a man who looks after your eyes and a pessimist is a man who looks after your feet.
Bumble bees exist in a state of quantum flux, so that they never exist in one place with more than a 50% probability.
The part of a bumble bee which is not in the place where the bee is observed is called the bumble be-not.
Kiwi fruit are rather misleadingly named, since they in fact ripen into wallabies.
Nothing is better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
Lemons are made out of melons.
My stairs are made out of apples and pears.
Camberwell is radioactive again this afternoon.
There is no such thing as this-ness.
There's no this-ness like show-this-ness!
Loch Ness is the state of being like a Loch.
I regularly experience feelings of Lochness.
[Dunx] The latest theories in quantum apiology demonstrate that bumble bees cannot exist in a solitary state - they are always in a diapis form, known as the 2bee. On observing the diapis, the waveform collapses into either a present bee or the not present bee, in other words 2bee or not2bee.
Ibid is an unacknowledged genius. And Icelandic.
[Ibid] Ah - that explains a lot.
My parents were professional drinks coasters.
[Projoy] What a coincidence - my parents used to surf in a pint of Guinness left at the back table of the snug of the Kings Toenail pub in Wigan.
Spoons call lying snugly together "peopling"
Rambert Dance Company is a hotbed of satanism.
There are no suspicious practicioners of satanic square dancing across the road fom me. I am not scared.
As well as writing a Left-Hand Concerto for Paul Wittgenstein, who lost his arm in the war, Maurice Ravel wrote a No-Hands Concerto in G, in which the unfortunate amputee soloist prevails upon a fellow pianist to pick out the notes on his behalf.
[Pace BTG and Projoy] I often experience feelings of Lochnesslessness.
I have never experienced writer's blo
Labrador retrievers are entirely composed of tuna fish sandwiches
Marie Stopes wore the same body stocking for the whole of her thirties.
Body stocking is widely frowned upon by the authorities.
This week is National Spot the Aardvark week.
*points at Projoy* You have been spotted.
I have decided not to participate in National Spot the Aardvark week because my paint has dried up.
Swordmakers have discovered a fabulous new alloy based on sponge cake, which is stronger, lighter, and more delicious than anything based on steel. However, the more traditional swordsmiths have refused to use this alloy since it would render the phrase "a taste of cold steel" meaningless.
Princes all have little self-destruct buttons under the hair on the backs of their heads. They also have extendable power cords.
The cost of princes has remained fairly stable over the last 10 years, according to the Retail Prince Index.
I am the aardvark formally known as prince.
The auto-erotic sales section of our local paper advertises car-phone-sex-lines. Titles include Home-Alone Fiat Panda, Escort Service and MOT and Lick My Volvo.
That's nothing. There's a card in the telephone box round the corner advertising the favours of an Intercity locomotive. Goes like the 4.15 from Paddington, apparently.
Tomorrow is International Walk Like A Pirate Day. Arrr!!
With a parrot on my shoulder and a cutlass in my hand, I am spying on Kate Bush while hiding in her shrubbery. That's right, it's International Stalk Like A Pirate Day, arrrr!
I wanted to pick up on this running gag, but I can't owing to my wooden leg.
Long John Silver's horse had three wooden legs.
And, strangely, his dining table kept falling over.
The most famous pirate who ever sailed the seven seas was Gilbert Perkins, whom fate had destined to be a chartered accountant, but, by pure freak of chance, was given misleading advice by a senile careers advisor at the end of his O-levels.
Perkins would have had no chance at accountancy. He was half Irish, half Scottish, a quarter Canadian, two-thirds Polish, and seven-eighths Nigerian, so his teachers dismissed him as being mathematically impossible.
There may only be seven seas now, but there was an eighth until its warranty ran out and it sank.
Pirates are a myth created by a subterrainean bureaucracy that has severe spelling difficulties to mask it's activities with the King of Canada's daughter
tongue twisters make baby jesus cry
Jesus is the Son of God. Damn! No-one will buy that rubbish! Yarr!
Jesus is a cry baby. (Three nails and a briar never hurt anyone!)
I'm afraid I can't write a lie here at the moment as I'm too busy composing my next move for the Furcation Game.
Kimg Hussein of Jordan came to visit me,
and all for the sake of my little nut tree.
and all for the sake of my little nut tree.
That would be "King", of course. It's so confusing....
[matt] You're allowed to Pass...
You should always pass on the inside lane, unless it's raining, when you should use the outside lane. In the case of a dire need to prove something you can pass on the opposite side of the motorway, but only at a major junction. Otherwise, ramming the vehicle in front, especially if it's a minibus, articulated lorry or horse-drawn carriage is obligatory.
Robin Cook wielding a saucepan is the scariest thing on the seven seas.
Queen's 'Seven Seas of Rhye' was originally entitled 'Seven Seas' - much snappier, one would think. Anyway, those vitamin supplement people threatened litigation, Freddie went all huffy and re-named the track just to keep people guessing.
Freddie's earliest idea for the title was, in fact, "Christians can corrupt childrens' CD's, creating chaos", which was then shortened to "7 C's". This proves the monkeys and typewriters theory of probability.
I am David Blaine, this post is another example of my amazing powers - I made a computer with a wifi card out of water.
Each night when no one watches I astrally project into the nearest MacDonalds and wolf down a Big Mac or three.
Three days into my stunt I got bored writing in my journal and instead have started drawing pictures of housebricks.
I can see the pub from here
David Blaine came 'round for a cup of complan this morning.
There's no reason to talk like a pirate now.
I'd be averse to continuing.
I be continuing a verse.
Which is why I contributed a superb and witty last line to the current limerick.
Which is why I contributed a superb and witty last line to the current limerick.
I was going to write a currant Limerick, but couldn't think of a raisin.
Raisin The Titanic was a popular film amongst the dried fruit community.
Former Cincinnati Reds' owner Marge Schott has some wonderful anecdotes about dried fruits.
The National Association for the Advancement of Dried Fruit and Against Fruitist Defamation is campaigning for positive, realistic media portrayals of dried fruit, instead of images in advertisments showing tempting, non-mouldy, appetising, beautifully-coloured and plump dried fruits. Protests have begun and already five food stylists have been the victim of assault by prunes, apricots and papaya. The less radical National Association for Dried Fruit has condemned the attacks. A spokespineapple said "we need to integrate into society, not attack it" as he poured delicious cream over himself and laid in a dish, then proceeding to offer our reporter a spoon.
totally syntax grammar. and unnecessary is
Some radical peanuts, marginalised even among the dry snacks community, have formed "Nuts To You!" a dadaist organisation dedicated to making random piles of peanuts in unexpected contexts. In the latest "happening" three tons of peanuts, both dry roasted and uncooked, assembled in the Virgin Megastore on Times Square. Breakaway cashews attempted to form a rival pyramid on Broadway, but could only command three pounds of their number.
And in related news, there has been a small wok riot in a Chinese Supermarket in Leamington.
Sewage farms are just a myth. They are really a front for the Women's Institute.
... which rather makes you wonder about what's in the jam.
Projoy, you are truly awful. Now I know how you won the Turner Prize.
The General Post Office has largely fallen into obscurity these days, mainly because people don't need Generals posting through the mail any more. However some small businesses are able to fulfil the remaining niche market, such as postmeageneral.com
Circles are only circular on Tuesdays.
Squares have always wanted to be circular, but they've never got round to it.
Triangles have no wish to be square, but they do have guardian angles.
Lines cannot become triangles because they have no three will.
Spheres taste of strawberry, but circles are just plane.
I was going to launch into a discussion of mapping of steeplechase course in non-directed graphs, but then changed my mind when I realised that I don't even understand simple coordinate systems - I didn't want to put Descartes before the horse.
The Spanish government has decided to expel all members of ETA. By making them all leave via a single checkpoint it has effectively put all its Basques in one exit. (Points at Dunx: "Well, he started it!!")
Kim. That was not clever or funny.
[Dunx/Kim] Your posts have made me feel unhappy. Boo! Hiss!
My house is carpeted with Golden Syrup, so the floors are always beautifully flat.
I have a problem with rug addiction.
Rug addiction is a major cause of cream.
I've just been arrested for cruelty to parrots. Apparently you really can't have a macaque and eat it.
A macaque is a kind of parrot. It's nothing to do with monkeys at all.
I like marmot on toast for breakfast.
I tried to light a fire in my canoe once, but it sank. Seems you can't have your kayak and heat it.
"No, just disgracing a politican is enough...you can't have your Aitken beaten too."
As soon as I get out of bed in the morning I stand in front of the mirror practicising all the stances I am going to take that day. On the days I forget to do this, I am forced to stand to attention the whole day for fear of forgetting how to do the more complex stances and embarrassing myself.
I have 7 stances, 5 positions, 4 mannerisms, 3 poses and an attitude in my repertoire.
My vocabulary consists of just six words.
I don't have a vocabulary - I use a specially trained team of mice to type out my formless thoughts.
My vocabulary is white and furry and comes in handy on cold winter days.
There are a lot of highly ranked army chaps stuck to a wall in my house. It's a major sticking point.
I failed to snort painfully with laughter at Boolbar's miltary fib.
"Knees Up Mother Brown" is considered gynaecologically impossible.
I am suffering from irritable vowel syndrome.
The letter 'e' is considered obscene by the Mormons.
The second 'm' in 'Mormon' is silent.
All the letters in "pants" are silent.
There I was walking to Baghdad when this flatfish jumped on me from behind, pinned me to the ground and threatened to smash my face in. I was stuck between Iraq and a hard plaice.
Boolbar's post didn't amuse me in the least
I deliberately used bold there.
A bird in the hand is worth approximately £4.76, allowing for inflation and seasonal adjustment.
A bird in the hand is never a problem for Catholic priests.
Keeping your cock in your hand is no good if you want eggs fertilising.You have to put it down amongst the hens, of course - not really a lie, just a piece of gratuitous smut
My brother has an extemely large cock, which he has to carry around in a wheelbarrow. I don't think he keeps poultry though.
The replacement of the plumbing term "ball cock" with "float valve" is no loss to comedy whatsoever.
I have recently had to stop wearing pants after the neighbours complained about the noise.
Since I am not on holiday for a week I shall be able to post lots of lies.
[Boolbar] I, for one, am overjoyed for your lack of lies. </lie> Enjoy your holiday. <lie>
When Billy Connolly retires the 'f' word will disappear from the Scottish language - or the language of the Scots, whatever/whichever you prefer!
There is a forthcoming Hollywood blockbuster called'Squirrelzilla'. It stars Morgan Freeman and Dame Judi Dench.
Last night I had a nighmare about an antique hand-crafted Meershaum Briar. It transpired, however, that it was all just a pipe dream.
I have just watched a football match between Dagenham and Redbridge and Brighton and Hove Albion, but 44 players on the pitch made it too confusing.
Don't forget there are only 3 days until Xmas.
Unless you're Orthodox, then it was last month. Damn that Julian Calendar!
The Julian Calendar was supplemented in 1714 by the Sandy Calendar.
The top floor of the Swiss Re building in London is full of penguins.
50% of George Bush's vocabulary was learnt from mice.
Hyde Park is kept green by trained marmosets fertilising the grass.
Dreaming of duck-billed platypuses represents temporary monetary gain, followed by a messy divorce.
The first male human clone is rumoured to be capable of marsupial nurturing of echindnas.
When I go out to Gordon and Sheila’s Pommy-Aussie Chip Shop, I always have a Snake and Echidna pie with a can of Koala.
I just have one question. George Bush has a vocabulary?
Mandy Rice-Davies became a chrysalis shortly after the Profumo scandal broke and emerged as John Prescott.
Playing Mornington Crescent at 3am is an adequate substitute for sleep.
[JLE] Works for me.
[Angus] George W Bush is fluent in at least one language.
Ibid] I did not laugh out loud at that.
[JLE] Playing Mornington Crescent at 1am is better than sex.
I can think of plenty of things to write here now.
I am pining for the fjords?
Pine is the new oak.
Chorleywood, Northwood, St.John's Wood, Colliers Wood, and Oakwood have disappeared off the map to be replaced by Poplar, the 'Oaks' Royal and Gospel, and Becontree - which only goes to prove that you can't see the wood for the trees.
It didn't really take me 15 minutes to work out my last posting.
I had the radio on earlier, and it was You and Yours, but I did not listen.
"They", or even worse, "Them" always do things that you would never do.
Snot is the new plasticine.
And, unfortunately for anyone with a cold, plasticine is the new snot.
The collective term for female dogs is "an embarrassment".
Volvic mineral water is filtered through five hundred layers of solid granite, then three of marshmallow as a special treat, before being shot dead, then bottled in the wild.
I know this because I spent 20 years as a specialist Volvic hunter.
My computer is made of leather.
The word "Volvic" is not rude at all.
Up your volvic, Dunx!
[Dunx] I'm very sorry - that was not meant to be bold. Force of habit. I was oly pointing out that the meaning of a word depends greatly on its context. No offence intended to you or your volvic.
By using the Preview option, your carefully directed and sensitively chosen words will appear in a Bold font with an exclamation mark and 'leap off the page'. Don't worry, no-one will laugh.
Having someone laugh at you, or even adopt a knowing smirk, usually makes one feel good.
The word 'smirk' has no comedy potential whatsoever.
"Comedy Potential" is the scientific term for the difference of humour levels between the poor sod on stage and the audience and has been proven to often achieve negative levels.
Famous as the longest river in the world, the route of the Amazon is a good deal more complex than most people realise. Rising in Lake Balkash in Kazhakstan it flows through Tien Shan in the direction of Urumqi in Sinkiang Uighur, from whence it diverts sharply south towards Tibet, running eventually alongside the Himalayas for hundreds of miles before running parallel to, and in time joining, the Yellow River running towards the Pacific Ocean. It then disentagles itself from the Yellow River and runs back uphill for a while, then downhill again before climbing to a height of 50 feet above sea level, whereupon it is channeled into an aqueduct which it uses to cross the Pacific Ocean, by way of Manila and the Marshall Islands. It comes ashore at Tijuana, Mexico, and tours the perimeter of the town, taking the occasional photograph. It then catches the 13.45 train to San Diego, over the border, where it converts its yuans into US dollars and uses them to go see a movie before staying at the Embarcadero Hotel overnight. In the morning, it rises before dawn and dresses in camelskin pyjamas and pumps. It crosses the street and walks five blocks to Mason Avenue S., then calls in at number 453. It climbs the stairs, turns left on the landing and goes to third door on the right. After knocking and waiting patiently for a few moments for the door to be opened, it asks if Billy can come out to play. The Amazon river and Billy then bound down the stairs two at a time and go play in the park, especially on the roundabout. Eventually there is a tearful separation as the river wends on its course to San Diego airport, where it checks in its silt, is checked for security and takes the 16.30 flight to Lima. It arrives with a freshly pressed shirt and attends a meeting with dignitaries from Japan, and gives a presentation on the expanding pirhana market. Finally it is kidnapped by international terrorists and smuggled over the border to Brazil, then dumped in the Amazon basin, where it runs via Manaus to the Atlantic coast, carrying vast amounts of silt and freshwater life into the ocean.
The Titanic was lunched in 1912.
I carefully read and understood all of Projoy's short and pithy statement.
Projoy was obviously pithed when he typed that. It's not big and it's not clever.
I'm not that big but I am pretty clever. A bit like Chalks, in that respect. I blow my own trumpet, for Rosie's sake, in B flat, one would say.
How gloriously comprehensible this all is. Squirrel.
Nicknamed "the Welsh Windbag" by Private Eye magazine and "Kinocchio" by the Tories, Projoy had the thankless task of leading the Labour Party during its so-called "unelectable" period. Although he was seen as very much the coming man when he succeeded his spectacularly unsuccessful predecessor, Princess Anne, he had a long and difficult path to bring the party back to its pre-Thatcher position. Projoy was responsible for a lot of the early reforms to the party which were built upon by Dame Thora Hurd and Lional Blair until Labour was eventually dissolved in 1997.
That makes me proud to be a windbag.
The Labour Party stands for the less privileged in our society.
I can spell privelged, privelidged (oh, bugger!) # cuts and pastes ... privileged.
Politicians are all highly intelligent beings, and also very attractive.
Angus is looking at the world through rose tinted NHS glasses.
I am fascinated by party political conferences - they are just so relevent to everyday life.
Criminologists all have something green on their desks.
Criminologists are all scoundrels, knaves, rogues, blighters and cads. In my day, you could get a life sentence for criminology and there was far less of it about. In my opinion this so-called government should bring back the cat-o-nine-tails, the thumbscrew, the rack, the Iron Maiden and Noels House Party.
I've been to one of Noel Gallagher's house parties. It was quite stuffy, but he did do his party piece -- his impression of Neville Chamberlain.
Noel Gallagher is also highly intelligent and very attractive. A complete charmer and a gentleman.
Noel Gallagher also calls himself simply "Gaagher", although he avoids using this name near Star Trek fans for fear of being confused with a Klingon dish of blood worms.
Klingon blood worms are delicious
If you ever see someone dressed as a Klingon, the traditional greeting is to punch them in the stomach.
Cling film makes a sylish turban for those bad hair days.
sp/stylish
Turban is the latest 'buzz word' for a normally aspirated internal combustion engine - excluding, of course, Wankel designs, which have a totally different mode of operation.
Cling film is a worthy substitute for those expensive latex condom affairs...
Prophylactics can be used to help keep food fresh. (Actually, they probably can...)
Popups are good! Everyone loves popups! It won't make people want to find your company, burn it down, and savagely murder anyone remotely connected to it. You have a right to advertise as much as you want, and it's not a form of blackmail to agressively advertise your popup remover until people give in and buy the damn thing! NO, NOT AT ALL!
I love popups, too. Such fun! And road humps. Up and down goes the car. I gurgle with childish glee.
I refuse to use Mozilla Firebird because of its built-in pop-up blocker.
Pop-ups are the new spam. Why can't they be canned as well?
Pop-up spam is a delicacy that can be enjoyed by all who have a toaster.
Software has grasped the essential conceit of this game.
That last comment wasn't a mere cheap shot resulting from a grumpy mood.
Richard Whitely used to be an Olympic figure skater.
The British Library contains all the manuscripts of Peter B. Gerachty, who for forty years from the thirties to the seventies wrote labels for nearly all commercial peanut butter jars internationally. Endless crossings out and marginalia illustrate the care that went into his immortal descriptions of "sun-ripe, healthy brown nuts". His works were translated into more than a hundred languages.
Circus acts often have their clothes made from serving trays. Every clown has an salver lining.
I love deadlines.
- Especially where REALLY big essays are involved
In 1960,Tog became the fifth member of the Beatles. It's unclear exactly what animal he was - possibly a cross between a rabbit and a squirrel, but he was a pianist of extraordinary talent and profound insight. Tog brought a powerful virtuosity and intimate lyricism to the Beatles music. Sadly, the appointment of another stuffed toy angered Yoko Ono and contributed to the Beatles inevitable break-up. In 1969, Tog left the Beatles and formed the now legendary Pogles, changing the face of British rock and roll forever. Sadly, he died in 1977, when someone dropped a Clanger.
The camber on my road is so great that I need a pitons and a rope just to cross to the other side.
Luckily, Chickens can fly so they are unaffected by the problem.
[Projoy] Surely if that becomes a problem you can move out of Camberwell -- after all, isn't in implicit in the name?
Iain Duncan Smith (all three of them) lives in Camberwick
County and borough boundaries in the UK are all marked by a small unbroken line of yellow (or sometimes ultramarine) bricks. All the brick lines together make a giant turf maze. There is a prize for anyone who makes it to the middle.
Camber Sands is being marketed as the English Ski resort. However, water skiing is banned until heaven is a half pipe.
Rolf from The Muppets is generally considered the greatest classical pianist of the twentieth century.
Yellowstone Park is so called because many of the rocks there will scream blue murder if struck with a mallet.
Purbright is the centre of the Universe.
Everyone in Crewe is a Zoroastrian, but no-one has had the heart to tell them.
Seven-week old babies are quite happy to let you have a good night's sleep, as long as they are persuaded by sound, logical argument that it is the right thing for them to do. And they never shit all over you.
Seven weak, old babies just stole my shopping.
Seven wee cold babies are perfect for draft insultion.
Severn wake oiled babies should be carefully peeled before eating.
The Severn Bore is nevertheless more interesting than most politicians.
"Severn Wives For Severn Brothers" is the title of my new screenplay.
7 is the current number of weapons of mass destruction found in Iraq. As yet, none have been found in America.
7, contrary to popular misconception, is, in fact, the lonliest number.
7 is also carnivorous, for as we all know, 7 8 9
We also know that when three French cats, called Un, Deux and Trois, went out in a sailing boat and that boat struck a rock, Un, Deux, Trois cats sank.
The rising sea-level Cinque Ports.
Puns are impossible in French.
The Germans have no sense of humour
The whole country is gripped by the Conservative party conference.
I would never consider moving to Canada, especially if Arnold Schwarzenegger were elected to a major political position.
Canadians are well known for all dressing as Mounties all of the time.
Mounties are famous for standing around in groups singing songs about lumberjacks.
Martina Navratilova used to be a lumberjack, or should that be a lumberjill. No, a lumberjack.
I sleep all night and work all day.
The Beatles were right chuffed when I donated to them the words for 'A Hard Day's Night'.
Florence Nightingale experienced a life-changing dilemma when she was presented with the choice of marrying T E Lawrence or Sam Torrance. She rejected both on account of their utterly ridiculous surnames and instead, went on to make a successful career out of singing in Berkeley Square.
Berkley Square is actually a 'retirement' home for loud dogs. There is only one resident at any given time. New 'inductees' are required to combat the current resident in a fight to the death. Needless to say, the top-dog is always a right mongrel. .......[Chalky] Classic, I actually laughed out loud!
Florence Nightingale's biggest hit was "Crimea River".
She also worked on a duet with Simply Red - 'Night Nurse' of course. Incidently, that was their best song ever.
Prams cannot be fooled by merely placing a baby-sized package of flour in them.
</lie>[Projoy] Fantastic!<lie>
</lie>[Projoy] Fantastic!<lie>
Pram is the abbreviation of diazepram
Squash is so named from the lack of space in the court. Professional players enjoy the mixed doubles most.
Lady Chatterley's first name was actually Natalie.
The email address of the hero of Joseph Heller's novel and film is Khatchachurian22@....
Paradoxes of time can be a problem. For instance, I'm just about to shoo
The plot of The Pirates of Penzance was originally going to revolve around items of clothing, hence the trio 'A Pair of Socks, a pair of socks, a most int'resting pair of socks'
Una Stubbs is a keen blancmange knitter, and has created a range of stunning 'jelly' socks. A blancmange knit stitch is formed by inserting the needle in the front of the jelly loop and pulling a cream loop of yarn through to form a new mixed loop. A purl stitch is formed by inserting the needle in the back of the cream loop and pushing a jelly loop of yarn through to form a mixed loop.
Una's other clothing innovations include the Jelly-Roll-neck sweater and a classic wobble-hat.
Una's other clothing innovations include the Jelly-Roll-neck sweater and a classic wobble-hat.
E numbers refer to the number of cats that had to die in order to bring you the additive. This is why you never see an e number with .5 on the end (unless the manufacture of the product involved quantum physics experiments).
E120 is Crinoline Yellow, and causes hyperactivity in those with big hooped skirts
I have not just speculated on why "crinoline yellow" might be a plausible name for a color.
Every sequel is inevitably better than the first movie.
(Projoy, re E numbers) Schrödinger would have understood.
The US govt. is discussing expanding the US, and currently has a set of designers in who are commissioned with designing a possible 51st state. The Senate committee in charge of the project have agreed that they'd like something in green, with maybe some yellow at the edges. They want the new state to have a purple flag, and its brand identity must involve concepts such as fun, forestry and ideally, oil. Street parties and schools with spectacular water features will also figure heavily, according to the glossy prospectus. Ideas for a name so far include Pachydermia, Republicanland and GOP-ia. An interesting detail of the plan is that the state will have a projected population of 1,500 - and the same number electoral college votes in Presidential elections.
Archeologists have just found the pyramid housing the tomb of Queen Victoria
Archeologists are people who study long running Radio 4 soap operas.
</lie> [Ibid] That's not too far off, is it? <lie>
[Projoy] Currently, this state is planned to be build in a quiet backwater in the Middle East, in a country called Iraq.
This morning I ceded from the United Kingdom. Anyone who wants to speak to me must now pass through customs and pay a landing tax.
[BM] The Peoples' Independent State of Qu+xum is willing to accept an ambassador from your state, and vice-versa.
I am in State Usquo, which exports Rock in all over the world.
The TV Quiz Show, Fifteen to One has recently gone binary.
I watched tonights episode of "Who Wants to be a 11110100001001000000aire".
My age looks much nicer in hexadecimal.
My doctor recently advised me that aging is a totally unnecessary process and is caused by eating.
My doctor told me that heart attacks can be caused by blocked archery.
If you try dialling my phone number in binary, you get through to the emu house at London Zoo.
The emu house at London Zoo is pink and shaped like a windmill.
Flamingos are really swans. But someone put them in the wash with a Man Utd shirt on 'non-fast coloureds' instead of 'delicates' and they emerged all lumpy, stretched-out and pink. [ ... had to be done. Ref. laundry - Banter & Limericks].
And by the same process, but with shrinking, we get red pandas.
Edwina Currie washed John Major's y-fronts with an octopus.
That last statement makes perfect sense.
My old man's a dustman.
The day Wednesday was invented by Lloyd Anderson, an industrialist from Kentucky.
Andrew Lloyd Webber invented cheese.
Tim Rice egged him on.
Goats' cheese can cure fifteen known major diseases, and thirty-seven unknown minor ones.
The electric lightbulb was invented 20 years before electricity was discovered.
The Electric Light Bulb were a pop/prog-rock band in the late 70's and early 80's. Their stadium performances were renowned for their stunning light shows.
I have just written a children's book called The Ninety Day Quest of Salif Ramak.
The term "progressive rock" was coined from an NME article when they described the experience of listening to an early Marillion album as: "like swallowing a small rock and feeling it progress through your intestines until it bursts out of your bum bringing with it all the putrid garbage that it gathered along the way"
Tea did not spurt copiously from my nose when reading Huxleys posting.
I didn't do any spurting and what's more - this game doesn't amuse me in the least.
I am not amused. Being a progressive rock fan, I have no sense of humour.
I didn't just scan in a copy of a local takeaway menu and install it as wallpaper on the PC of my absent colleague.
For the second time today, tea did not spurt copiously from my nose when reading the previous posting.
The screen saver on my PC is a video of Bob the Dog spurting tea copiously from his nose set to a progressive rock soundtrack.
The English city of York was named after New York City in the US.
Windsor castle was built close to Heathrow Airport to allow tourists easy access via the M4.
David Blaine switches with a stunt double at 6:00 every evening so that he can have tea and watch the news.
Due to rising land values, The City has been relocated from central London to a disused quarry in Devon.
My application to join the Girl Guides was finally approved today. I start next Monday, with a troop in Renfrewshire.
Coffee plus more coffee equals tea.
BigMac - Roadkill = Bread
If you lick an electric socket, it'll cure you of asthma. (You won't have to worry about breathing any more - guaranteed!)
Everything I say rhymes.
The highest quality taramasalata is pink because of the extra fingers that went into the mincer.
Rhyme doesn't pay
Rhyme for sale! Rhyme for sale! Buy it by the metre!
I am pro-joy.
I am Indifferenttojoy.
I am a girl
I type at four hundred words a minute, which is why I have a buckling spring Assault Keyboard on my desk.
[Angus] Is there something you're not telling me? I don't even have a modem!
Beanz doez not mean fartz.
I tried going to work on an egg, once.
If you want to get a head, don't get a hat but invest in a guillotine instead.
I was contracted to appear as one of the lambs in The Silence of the Lambs, but I got myself fired for making impassioned out-of-character speeches and singing old Goodies hits.
I'm sorry that I made such a hash of running the universe today.
I'm not.
I spend most weekends dressed as a forlorn tikka cheese and chutney sandwich at the back of the fridge in the local Spar.
Projoy's last statement would fit nicely into the lyrics of The Lonely Goat Herd and would scan if you left out the word 'trumpet'.
Actually, it wouldn't scan if the barcode was all scrunched up.
I'm really busy at work.
All cheese is watching your every move.
Everyone in my family except me has a diploma in advanced footstamping from the Milk and Fisheries Enterprise Council
Country dancing is about the most powerful form of protest against society. It has been employed to devastating effect in eight of this country's most successful coups.
Only one starfish has ever risen to cabinet rank in this country, and this is principally down to the fact that starfish are unable to speak, write, debate, frame legislation, understand a ministerial brief or be bound by any kind of collective responsibility.
I don't have time to read or even smile at all the recent entries because I'm still working my socks off.
Folk music is vastly improved by sticking your finger into someone else's ear.
Boolbar has just described how and why the phrase waxing lyrical came into being.
Hash browns are so named for their resemblance to rapid access data structures. Other delicious choices for breakfast treats include linked list greens and array yellows.
"La plume de ma tante est dans le bureau de mon oncle" is loosely translated as "My aunt and uncle are at it like knives."
I like knives *slithery laugh*
I like slithering!
So do ophidiophobists.
Most wild Australian snakes are harmless, easy to catch and make excellent pets.
He who drinks Australian thinks clearly.
I'm asleep.
Nightmares sort out the problems of the day and leave you bright and fresh in the morning.
I'm still asleep. I don't have to wake up at 5 AM.
Captain Titus Oates came back in a few minutes later and said, 'Blimey it's a bit nippy out there, I best take me coat'.
Somewhere in the sprawling metropolis - in his secret laboratory - an evil wrongdoer is hatching a dark plot to become the queen and rule the world. Could this be another job for “Security Hamster”?
Donald Rumsfeld has trained 30,000 security hamsters in the last three months.
By a remarkable co-incidence, 30,000 is also the my annual take-home pay.
30,000 is my annual take-home pay too. I am paid in groats.
I am paid in quarks, which makes me a multi-multi-trillionaire.
30,000 groats is worth about 50p in stirling, or 534,678 in Euros.
I am also paid in Quark, but I have run out of chilled storage space for any more processed cheese.
I come from a long-established line of mongers. My family have been mongers for as long as anyone can remember. My father is a fishmonger, his father was an ironmonger and his father before him was a costermonger. My mother was an accomplished rumour- and scandalmonger but the spin-doctor said she had to give it up on account of her back. I thought I would go into domainmongering but my dad says its a flash in the pan and the real money is in war.
The rise of Donald Rumsfeld was foretold by Nostradamus, the ancient Mayans, the Book of Revelations, and the 12th June 1973 edition of 'Womens Weekly'.
Somewhere in the unfashionable suburbs, an attractive and scantily clad female has been trapped in the attic of a burning warehouse as part of a plot to swindle her inheritance. Could this be a job for "Fire-fighter Guinea-pig"?
I am diary secretary to Fire-fighter Guinea-pig and I am working very hard for little pay.
Meanwhile in Cricklewood, the Fire-fighter Guinea-pig's arch-nemesis, the Combustible Shrew, is hatching a plot for his rival's demise. And his diary secretary gets paid a lot
Schopenhauer had forty-three ducks and enjoyed chasing them around a lake in a long Benny-Hill style line.
Each day I calculate my position in relation to BBC Broadcasting House using Pythagorus' Theorem.
After being made redundant from Playschool, Hamble joined the police force and is now a detective inspector.
Mutton can be used as paper.
If you find you appreciate art too much, your best bet is to take an anaesthetic.
[Projoy] Does calculating your position using Pythagoras' Theorem involve using a right East Anglian?
Most Roman mosaics are actually massive Rubik's Cubes that have gone stiff and settled in one configuration. The pictures they appear to show are projections from the viewers mind.
"A right East Anglian" is a euphemism in the church for anyone who routinely appoints gay bishops.
My bishop has been deceased since 1985 but still says Sunday mass with the aid of a truss, two vicars, and a ventriloquist.
Conifer trees are very militaristic. During the cold war, hundreds volunteered to leap into the Arctic Ocean and scud around under the Polar ice cap looking for enemy submarines.
Privet bushes can reach speeds of nearly 200mph on the flat.
Pot Noodles are highly nutritious
They are also deadly when armed with a straw and a small handful of frozen peas
Frozen peas should under no circumstances be defrosted without adequate radiation shielding and a written promise from the President of the US that they won't view it as a hostile act.
Somewhere in the derelict gothic red-brick tenement zone of Bromsgrove City, a wicked gang hides in a dark alleyway, awaiting the faltering step of a dear old lady as she leaves the Post Office with her £27.50 pension. Could this be another case for “Judgement Squirrel”?
Kate Bush fans were entirely responsible for the great Cadbury's Fruit and Nut shortage of 1989.
A group of hungry badgers were entirely responsible for the great Kate Bush fan shortage of 1996.