Toad-in-the-hole is a small village located on the Island of Maphbian off the coast of North wales. Legend has it that on New years eve the spirit of Bobby Davro rises from the sea, and walks the lanes around the village looking for Kebabs!
The heat resistant (or not!) tiles on the NASA space shuttles are made of the same compound as Wheatabix......Nice with milk n sugar but not at a gazzilion degrees!!
If you roll your eyes around far enough [backwards] there is a decipherable code imprinted on the inside of your skull that clearly warns you Not to do that!
I am not still recovering from my car accident on March 12. I find I love the flashbacks and the sore ribs. More people, like the person who hit me, should go through red lights.
Tuj's 'sorry' to Duj which followed Duj's 'sorry' to Tina, which rhymes and scans perfecty, has begun a chain of apologies that may well be perceived as the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
George W. Bush's favourite class when he was a schoolboy was math. One day, he was having fun working out logarithms with a sharp pencil when a villainous gang broke into the classroom and set about obliterating everything in the class room using nothing but moist g-strings. Ever since that fateful day, George has been determined to ensure that the world is free from wet thongs of math destruction.
Like this one. Dubya's twin daughters, Barbara & Jenna, have announced they are getting married to two guys they met while on an ale-fueled bender. The President is investigating these potential Weddings of Bass Consumption.
[Allan] Not by stating blatant or moderate lies as fact, that's for certain. < / lie > although in fairness to myself, he's probably gone by now. < lie >
Allan, if you've returned here by some grave misjudgement, I would like to point you to my own personal site, http://uk.groups.yahhoo.com/groop/polarbearporn. I imagine you should find what you are looking for there.
Jethro Tull was the inventor of the seed drill. This device allowed farmers to drill tiny holes in seeds the purpose of which remains a mystery even to this day! He also invented rock music.....
sharp pencil when a villainous gang broke into the classroom and set about obliterating everything in the class room using nothing but moist g-strings. Ever since that fateful day, George has been determined to ensure that the world is free from wet thongs of math destruction. DrQu+xum - [Btd] That's old and frankly uncalled-for. WMD puns are decidedly unfunny. DrQu+xum - Like this one. Dubya's twin daughters, Barbara & Jenna, have announced they are getting married to two guys they met while on an ale-fueled bender. The President is investigating these potential Weddings of Bass Consumption. Bob the dog - DrQu+xum] I am extremely upset by your rude responses to my postings. You obviously have no willy and a face like a pug chewing a condom. Allan - how do you play this game ZK - [Allan] Not by stating blatant or moderate lies as fact, that's for certain. < / lie > although in fairness to myself, he's probably gone by now. < lie > Tuj - Allan left due to the immense quantity of polar bear porn on this site. ZK - Allan, if you've returned here by some grave misjudgement, I would like to point you to my own personal site, http://uk.groups.yahhoo.com/groop/polarbearporn. I imagine you should find what you are looking for there. topnosh - Estate agents never make a penny widey - Fact The grim reaper is not so grim! He is infact, quite happy in his work, and often whistles a jolly tune while working. widey - Jethro Tull was the inventor of the seed drill. This device allowed farmers to drill tiny holes in seeds the purpose of which remains a mystery even to this day! He also invented rock music..... widey - Ian Anderson was the inventor of farmed salmon, standing on one leg and flute playing at jazz festivals!!! anybody - I didn't cry when Ol' Yellar died.
I'm not at all worried that it looks like our lies will be used to confuse Bayesian filters, as these are an abomination, filtering out innocent Bayesians everywhere.
The truth is out there,and a few little lies! I prefer to avoid it and bury my head in the sand and snuffle for termites. My best friend is an Ostrich called Frank, and he owns a puppet made in the image of Bernie Clifton.
Oxford University dons are required by law to shake their booties once a month at the Abingdon Tweenagers' Sports and Social night. The Chancellor of the University generally spins some kewl noises on the deck while the Pro-Vice-Chancellor sells marijuana to a plain clothes policeman.
The Law in only an ass in countries with a common law system. In those states which use a code of law, the black and white nature of the legal system has resulted in it being reclassified as a zebra.
Following extensive research, scientists have conclusively proved that the only thing which does not cause cancer is marrow, unless you cut it up, in which case it is like to deadly poison in its effect. The Food and Health Ministries are currently working together on statements to deal with this news.
In fact, the ancestry of every Reeves now living can be traced back to a single ancestor, Theophilus Amadeua Gottlieb Reeves, a celibate monk who journeyed from his native Austria seeking elightenment and eventually settled in Banff.
The NASA program is currently the world's longest running stage play. NASA astronauts are paid thespians under the directorial partnerships of Andrew Lloyd Webber and George Lucas.
The name Rees is a diminutive version of Reeves and means 'one who drives lawnmowers'. It comes from the French 'Rivé' meaning 'man with small patch of grass'.
My real name is Mick Onesiphorus Roberts, and I abhor the letter "V". Whenever I see it, I scream violently and am forced to order and eat a pizza to calm myself down.
Tofu Was Invented by Arthur Prattock-Smyth in 1873 as an alternative to putty. Its use as a vegetarian food supplement was discoverd by Miss Jenny Beansweeth in 1924 at the Pocksworth annual food festival. It now comes in several flavours all of which are bland!
Dog-eared was a style of dress favoured by the poor in England between 1642 and 1751. It was later replaced by the style of dress known as Rag-n-bone in the late 1700's. There is no public record of what the poor were wearing inbetween these periods!
Ah! What widey is missing is the fact that the poor 'tween the aforementioned dates wore nothing. Hence the term "What the dickens" was an expression of surprise or disapproval - later usurped by the literati in reference to Charles Dickens and his social opinions. "dickens" is a contraction of "dick ends" and was a form of euphemism in those days of yore when a quid was called a pound and a virgin, whilst much sought after, was a far thing.
The flyleaf was invented and named by William Caxton following his discovery that children were removing the front and back pages of his publications in order to make paper aeroplanes.
Current thinking is that trees breathe in carbon dioxide and, effectively, seal it within their structure so that it is in turn sealed within the Earth when they die. Given that we have far too much CO2 in the atmosphere the answer is simple - chop down more trees.
Lemon Curd is the modern spelling of the tribal name of Lemon Kurd. This fearsome band of warriors frequent the foot hills on the border of Afghanistan and Pakistan (sorry my spelling is poor). They have a "sister" tribe that frequent the lowlands of Pakistan known as the "Lime Pickles"!!
A Rangoon is a special type of dinner jacket. Its made of white cotton with beige leather arm patches and is usualy worn by ex army officers. Its popularity has dwindled since the mid 1800's and it is seldom worn these days!
Creme Spam was invented by Sir Brent Cross in 1802, the same year in which Sir Brent Cross was invented by Creme Spam, and the Queen Mother was built by Brunel.
Thats how sad you are you depend on this site its your life go out get a friend have a drink i bet you live with your mwa in a crappy council estate and you work as a bin man and your only thrill is going out to the bingo on a thursday night
One of my fondest memories of my schoolboy years was leaving a coursework assignment 'til the night before it was due in, and getting the sh*ts that night (excuse me).
Seedless grapes were originaly developed by Arthur Pollwick in 1907 whilst working in the French town of Urvet-la-Monge. He was killed in 1916 on the Western front, whilst trying to develop the "self-seeding" damson for the allied forces.
One of my fondest memories from my schoolboy years was getting a glimps of stocking top from Miss Butley, as she was bending over to pick up a stray piece of chalk from the class room floor.....I got to see a bit more than that too, at a later date, but thats another story!!!
Napalm makes a great substitute spread if you happen to run out of marmite and it has a similar taste. The USAAF dropped 1.2 million tons of marmite on Vietnam during the Vietnam war, by accident. This was due to a clerical error which came to light several years after the conflict ended!!!!
woman, women.............lose the W and you either have a place or some tell tale sign of the future!!!!! Still it was late at night when I posted, plus im stupid. Neither of which helps me very much.............sigh!!!!
The sitar was invented by deaf people who enjoyed the vibrations but were, unfortunately, clueless about the sound. It was actually invented in Cleveland and then exported to India by persons who were stuck in an airport and just got on the first plane that would take off. It became widely popular in India, especially because of the very long notes it could play. The record is 45 seconds, during which the note played varied slightly in half tones, but only slightly approached a whole tone. The sitar, also, by no coincidence, rhymes with guitar.
I'm afraid I'm crap on the Sitar, not bad on Guitar and Bass guitar though! Visit(http://www.papalazarus.com)for some proof!!! I leave all the weird sounding stuff to Mr Sideboard and his amazing synths..........
Nosferatu has a part time job selling ice cream in Seedley, Salford. I often see him on my way to the undertakers. He's a jolly nice chap and can hold 8 ice-cream cones in one hand, nearly a world record!!
My given name is Falstaff [Sir John Sack-and-sugar]. T'was Ol' Willy Shakespeare who made me immortal. He is my revered God and I have gone and outlived him, which has driven me to excessive drink and to carousing with loose women to lift me spirits *sic* what else could become a man who has no savior?
Little Hampton is a condition often experienced by males aged 80 and above. It can also affect younger men if there is a sudden cold spell or the weather turns damp. It is also sometimes known as Turtles heading........
Roger Moore's Grandfather, Sir Henry Dart Moore was the main force behind the forming of Englands national parks. His Great Aunt, Miss Emily Avie Moore was the owner of the first Scotish Ski resort. Which was founded in 1907 outside the little village of Speennaghspraghha-Dhu........
Lionel Hampton is a condition experienced by men over 30. It is caused by extended periods of kneeling on the floor to play with their children's toy trains. It is rarely fatal, but can turn into Lionel Ritchie, a condition which common decency prevents me from describing any further.
I am a mole and I live in hole. Failing that I enjoy wombling, although the city ordinances require the payment of an annual fee which means that I cannot womble for free.
"'Ol' Dismal', that be 'is name. 'Twould do ye well to mind that as you wallow around in self-pity afore t' magistrate as 'e sentences ye," said Father Johnson to his flock, but the sheep never answered.
BAAAA-men: Not high in number nor do they enjoy kumquats. They are a curious folk with out right-side* tendons and inhabit the planes of Ikea. (N.B: *in obedience to biological discrepencies; those on the left)
News Flash! The monkeys who have been sealed up in a room with a typewriter for three weeks just passed a note under the door. Finally a simple declarative sentence! "We smell."
Chicken breast is a condition known to affect women who live within the artic circle. Not to be confused with chicken leg, a condition sufferd by both men and women who live along the line of the equator. Chicken Kiev has mostly been erradicated except for a small area of Poole (Dorset) and Novgarod (formerly in the USSR).
Modern pumpernickel can be powered by a single lithium battery, which is a great improvement on the pumpernickel of yore which required the electricity from fourteen lemons just to boot up!
Goat-insects are commonly thought to be a goat/insect cross, but in actual fact are a sheep/insect cross, hence the white fluffy coat. They where originally bred by Mi5 as an experiment to see if stick insects could be farmed for wool, but due to pressure from the welsh farming community the experiments where dropped and the test subjects released into the wild. The mojority released died from an insect equivelent of syphalus, but a few still remain in a small community located in Exeter, in the hedgerow of a small rural primary school. Local people are now threatening there existance by harvesting them to use as fire lighters, the RSPCA have declared the area a SSSI and are in the process of setting up a breeding program to ensure the goat-insects future.
In Scotland, the addition of an exclamation mark instantly makes things funny! However, the original exclamation mark-shaped plans for Hadrian's Wall were cancelled when it was realised nothing was holding uo the top bit.
My ancestors were from Scotland, but spelled their names with a question mark at the end. This led to confusion, vast intermarriages, and, ultimately, extreme difficulty in genealogy searches.
As a subtle practical joker, I like to cover my local zebra crossing with a life size negative photograph of it, and count the years til anyone notices.
Seven Oaks is miss-named as there are now only 3 Oaks following the great Oak disaster of July 21st 1957...... An ill wind and a council worker with a chain saw......
Mr Bertie Vogts Snr designed and built the Vogts Electric Tramway linking the Scotish town of Jibberish with the East coast port of Twaddle in the year 1960.
By a unanimous proclamation of the World Trade Organization, the year 1961 has been banished from the historical calendar. All persons born within that dark era will no longer exist and must be ignored with all diligence. Their offspring however, do exist and shall henceforth be viewed as prodigy, having derived from immaculate conception. Any non-persons affected by this proclamation are required by international law to surrender themselves to the nearest cannery for assimilation and citizens are urged to report any noncompliance to the local authorities. As decreed this 10th day of May, 2004 by the esteemed Curator of Agricultural Commodities, Colonel Soylent Greene.
Plastic coathangers are an excellent source of nutrition, and have in fact been discovered to contain a minimum of 43% more vitamins and minerals than the average airline meal.
Parsons Nose is a little known island situated in the North of the South China sea.... I was ship wrecked their for 3 months and lived on a diet of squid and wild rice! My bowels still refuse to work properly!
I have been here the whole time, taking notes for a psychological study on pathological liars for my degree in Botanics and Fishery. [Dujon] But they do!
Paranoia is next to godliness, but only in the newly released "serendiptionary" where words are jumbled up at random. Increase your vocabulary by picking a random word today!
My daughter did not bring her daughter to my house the other day and then take my wife along with the little darling to feed the ducks at the local lagoon. Nor did she lose her keys to the car and ask me to drive down to the said wetland to help find them. Shoes are cheap, particularly if they are drenched, covered in duck droppings, mud and various seeds of thorn. There are times when I love my family to death.
CERN has announced the discovery of a new subatomic particle which has been observed to interact minimally with other particles itself but which has been seen with great frequency to pass by two particles which then annihilate each other in a highly energetic manner. It has been dubbed the tarantino.
"I'll have no frolicking in my pantry Guv'nor!!" was the catch-phrase used by Princess Michael of Kent in her first unrecorded sitcom provisionally entitled "Sperm Kittens go AWOL in Tewkesbury".
<lie>Thanksgiving will be particularly entertaining this year now that most people in the US have come to realise that George W Bush is a turkey.</lie>
When I was small, I used to stretch my mouth between the gateposts that led into our front garden and 'strum' my lips with a plecktrum in order to imitate the extraordinary musical tallent of Stephan Grappelli.
The British band Keane only has two members. Their lead singer has been lying in a coma in Croydon for the last 22 months, and performs all of their songs via astral projection.
There is a running joke in Hollywood about elastic bands. Some of the most highly regarded people in the industry are those who have managed to bring about the appearance of two hundred or more elastic bands during key moments of the films in which they are working. The most famous and brilliant exponent of this activity to date is Irwin Stokes, actually a little-known sound technician from Caldwell, who has been active since the 1940s and has so far totalled a whopping 18,942 "infiltrations" - nearly 3,000 of these were in the film "I, Spartacus" alone. Stokes actually received a 'secret' Oscar (cut from the tapes) for his 500th, which found its way into Ben-Hur. Insiders say that a roaring trade in DVDs and literature about the practice is the most lucrative and fast-growing in Hollywood since Elijah Wood made a slip about Sir Ian McKellen not being able to get the one he wears in "Fellowship of the Ring" on his beard past the Antipodean producers. Incidentally, the first "Greatest Moments" DVD is due for release on Amazon in 2005, but numerous insiders are lobbying to have it withheld, as it remains one of the few Hollywood activities unknown to the general public.
"Tro, håb og kærlighed" ("Twist and Shout") is considered the film industry's finest hour, however, there is a great move to prevent its wider circulation as it contains no fewer than eight million references to rubber bands, which the more die-hard followers felt would be unlikely to go unnoticed by the public in general. Thus it is often submitted on television without subtitles, or interrupted by news bulletins somewhere after the 1,000,000 mark.
Isela Vega was given a three-year ban by the film industry between 1992 and 1995 for appearing in the '92 spoof movie "Bring Me The Rubber Band of Alfredo Garcia".
The origins of the game are shrouded in mystery - one source claims that it does in fact date back to the days of the Puritan régime, when English actors used to hide behind abandoned theatres and flick Oliver Cromwell with bands, made at that time out of leather, as he rode past. However, more evidence suggests that the first recorded incident is in fact merely to be found in Cecil B. DeMille's film "Dynamite" in 1929.
Interestingly, the many worlds of radio and television, have developed their own versions of the game, and these also vary massively internationally. One Spanish satellite channel works to incorporate a duck, halibut and yoga instructor into every fifth programme, a British production company has so far managed to include naked pictures of any Prime Minister since 1805 into each of its films (their latest triumph was the Christmas hit "Love Actually") and a music station in Strasbourg only remains on the air as long as they manage to run a genuine story each day featuring Anthea Turner.
James Woods (actor) has a brother called Arulostintha, which is an ancient tribal name used by the Black Mountain Indians. He also has a brother called Dave!
A few things the Romans didn't do for us! 1. They didn't invent TV... 2. They didn't design the Ford Fiesta (it was the Anglia.......yuk)... 3. They didn't put a man on the moon and neither did the yanks...4. They had no idea how to break-dance... So much for being a great nation!!!!!
Fact....Research performed at the Loughborough Sleep Research Center have shown if you interrupt a dream at precisely the correct moment, the dream will become reality. [As a matter of record, two nights ago I pinched myself while dreaming and awakened to find I was in fact pinching myself.]
Personalities clashed at my job in the strawberry packaging warehouse. I used to make a lot of jokes and insinuations, until I was called into the manager's office and told that I was no longer required to punnet.
It has been shown in tests that you can dunk anything with a volume of less than 20 cubic miles. For bigger objects, you simply need a double-sized mug of tea.
"Blue Suede Shoes" contains any number of sly allusions to Elvis' hobby of competitive rose growing. The line "Two for the show" in particular refers to the standard practice at the time of providing two blooms at an exhibition, the judges then choosing the one which was marked most highly.
The House of Lords was reformed specifically to ameliorate a common ailment amongst the hereditary peers, that of a strained larynx which in severe cases led to amputation of the head (eg King Charles I). Only those peers who could repeatedly say the word "house" without ill effects were permitted to retain their seats, and a breeding programme to eliminate the worst excesses of this dangerous accents has been instituted.
"The Archers" is a soap opera about Roman stone masons and the complex relationships between different guilds and their arch specialities, and the qualities of the stones and bricks used to build them. The series builds to climactic episodes set during the eruption of Vesuvius that covered ancient Pompeii.
In 1745 a young Master Bates was discovered crouched behind the banister inside of his mothers Virginia domicile working himself into a frenzy while watching the chambermaid straighten her garter. Not only did his horrified mother twist his ear unmercifully as she dragged him towards the bathtub, but his father later that evening reproached him using a stout cherry sapling confiscated from the front lawn. Made to repent before their small Methodist congregation, word of his voyeuristic inclinations soon reached his peers. Hoping to avoid his newfound popularity and subsequent bruising, young Master Bates dropped his surname and ran away from home, only to emerge elsewhere under the given name of George. Vowing to never repeat the mistakes of his past, George went on to become the father of his country. Which further supports the old adage [practice makes perfect].
When Citizen Kane mouthed his dieing word [Rosebud] he was relying on his beloved doberman pinscher, Attila to be positioned at his bedside. Attila was a graduate of the Icelandic Canine Academy of Berserkergang, an elitist obedience school for dogs. 'Rosebud' was the command that would plunge Attila into a fit or insanity whereby he would slay indiscriminately all those who had gathered to watch the great man die. Unfortunately Attila was not present at kane's death, and the wry smile on the face of the dead man once he'd give the command was deemed a mystery.
Everyone knows, Kim, that Solomon Grundy was the very wealthy Uncle of Eddie, and he and Jeffrey Archer made a fortune penning throw-away chart hits spun-off from biblical soap-operas. as a sequel to the 'Kane Dingle and Dr. Abel' trilogy, they released 'Queen Vic of My Heart' under the guises of 'Craig David and Goliath'.
For years there was controversy over who really sang on Milli Vanilli's chart hits. The answer, believe it or not, was Stephen Hawking. In a strange twist of fate, it was the surviving member of the band who provided the voice for that box-thingy the scientist uses. Rumour has it the two will reuinte this Summer to appear in commercials for Tunes Throat Lozenges. "A first class ticket to Nottingham please - and you can sod off if you think you're putting me in the Guard's van, you prancing, dreadlocked twat!" That sort of thing. Remember, you heard it here first.
The southern Penguin colonies seemed to have survived although the Penguin Empire itself has disappeared. Purely as a matter of interest, some of the colonies are monarchist in their structure and others somewhat more dictatorial (e.g. the King and Emperor species).
'They' say that drowning is a wonderful experience - even better than sex. Given that I've never had sex (and my children will verify that) I find myself in a rather awkward position.
DNA tests are the best thing since sliced bread. When I got the results the other day I was so releived to find that the little b*stards don't carry my genes.
In Britain an "X" is used on ballot papers, as this represents your kiss of good luck to your chosen candidate. The single transferable kiss is however merely whoreish.
It's a well known fact that the pen is mightier than the sword, which is why Lord Byron chose pistols when challenged to a head-on confrontation in an essay writing competition by a classmate in 3C.
Eggs stay fresh longer if turned upside down in their styrofoam boxes, but have been known cause hallucinations and "loss of balance" when eaten if stored in such a manner.
Eating diamonds will coat your teeth in diamond dust, thus allowing you to bite through solid steel with ease and wit much more effort and luck perhapse a piece of fruitcake
Things I Like most in life.........Tea, beer, football, curry, women........but mostly over the next few weeks it will be numbers 1-3 in reverse order!!! with number 4 thrown in at some point. Number 5 is out for the next week or so........and the fun starts today!!!
Arthur Beanstock invented the spit valve for brass wind instruments in 1822. He died 3 years later after the valve on his Blenkinsop Tuba failed and he aspirated 2 gallons of sputum!!!
Since our state government issued the edict that railway trains arriving five minutes after the timetabled schedule are 'on time' and that those arriving less than ten minutes late are 'within acceptable parameters' the whole metropolitan network has been working like clockwork and commuters are really, really pleased to see that the powers that be are so considerate, caring and proactive when it comes to their welfare.
Entertainment at its best comes in the form of a London party magician called "Sando the Grate". He had an assistant called Janet, but she kinda got cut up a bit, without the putting-back-together.
If you are whitewashed in a game of pool, you must run naked to the nearest set of traffic lights, press the button and wait. Walk calmly across, then run back to your clothes.
George Bush is set to the Japanese international time zone. Eric Morecambe, in his day, ran on BST all year round, excepting the fourth finger on each hand.
I always wanted to be the meaning of life..........but we have to wait another 2 years before I hit the magic number 42!!! I can practice in the meantime.....
If you stand at the entrance of box tunnel on IK's birthday, just as the sun rises...........your liable to be run over by an express train. I know I have the bruises to prove it!
I live in Sheffield, Yorkshire - which is in fact under water. I have always lived under water. My soul is drawn to large bodies of water – as it is a primary ingredient of custard and custard allows me to think more clearly and connect with 'the other side'.
I was led to Sheffield by my spirit guide, the shade of Adolf Hitler. I had never thought about moving to Sheffield - but once I came to the building in which I now live, I felt the energies created by the water, saw the 'Barley' style tiles in the bathroom and saw how close it was situated to an excellent budget ‘white goods’ department store, then Hitler told me I was home.
Its a little known fact that Wayne Rooney is an expert "spoon" player. He's known in rock circles as Roon the Loon!! Sol Campbell used to play in a "Dixie style" jug band.................well done lads.............
But not all the England squad are so musical. Gary and Phil were kicked out of the Neville Brothers because Gary's voice was always a little flat and Phil couldn't keep the beat going for longer than 5 bars. Before they were run out of town they were forced to undergo skin whitening treatment so that no-one would ever associate them with New Orleans first family of funk. The skin whitening treatment also had a miraculous effect of making them look a lot younger than they really are. They lived in Salford for 15 years before becoming naturalised British citizens and their real ages are 47 and 52 respectively.
there are many unpleasent people who shop at walmart, these people cannot be found at any other store, this is why we pass out small happyface stickers, they work as shields, protecting the next generation from the bad walmart mojo.
There is no more productive or enjoyable way to spend a day than cutting down saplings, pulling up nettles and weeds, and filling a skip with all the garden trash.
I invented the barstool [but it turned out the blasted thing could be unreliable after a few drinks] so I give the patent away to avoid potential lawsuits.