Before that (I've done a lot in my 87 years on this planet, among others) I was a tester for Viagra. The job grew on me, but eventually my workload plummeted.
Myself, I've been training in the medical field. For a while I worked as an opthamologist's assistant, but we just didn't see eye-to-eye. I tried to switch to cardiology, but my heart just wasn't in it. Then, I thought maybe I could fake it as an X-ray technician, but the supervisor saw right through me. The only job left was in proctology, and obviously, it's a real pain in the arse.
It have been looking in here every day recently. My brother and his friends didn't circulate some emails last year with some excessively clean and unfunny job description puns and I'm not at all tempted to post them in here. They simply aren't rude enough.
I'd have to be a bit of a sap, then? Do you reckon you need counselling? Don't give up too soon and leave - your problems are probably deeply rooted. I know an excellent Tree Surgeon therapist, Den Dron.
I used to have a job performing ultrasounds on expectant mothers to determine the sex of their babies. For some reason, the mothers never seemed happy with my work. I don't know what those women were expecting!
I used to market sporting equipment to the hockey community. When I approached the football authorities for a similar position they gave me the boot: they claimed I had unrealistic goals.
[Dujon] Did they tell you to puck off? My last effort at holding down a job was as an assistant to an optician. It was going OK, but then I was framed.
[Dunx] No, but my old colleagues didn't half give me some stick! After that I tried being an electrical salesman. That only lasted until the company found I didn't have the proper connections.
At one stage I worked for an pest exterminator, but I got the flick, man. Aussie's only will get that - unless a certain company operates in the U.K. and N.Am. regions.
I used to sell DIY equipment, but I throw a spanner in the works by getting hammered, completely plastered. It was a wrench to leave. I felt I was left on the shelf. I saw myself being screwed by the job market. Luckily I got a new job and can paint myself a better future.
I snagged a job with a 'bus company once - I even took their various I.Q. test over a few months - but when I gave them my report they said I queued too much. OK, I'm half tickled ...
Later on, I was consultant to the dairy industry. However, most of my clientele dropped off after one of the Big Cheeses said I was milking them for everything they were worth....
Then I was Donny Osmond's tour manager for a while a few years back, but I got arrested for making puppy love. ([AP] His educational career began, interestingly enough, in agricultural school, where he majored in animal husbandry, until they caught him at it one day)
[DrQ] I once shot a man by mistake, believing him to be a large, flesh-coloured squirrel. < /l i e>Was someone going to make a separate game for the Job Pun thing? I thought I read that somewhere.
Party Wimple is the ultimate knitted tube that fits over your head, and is guaranteed to give your soirées a sprinkling of ultra-modernity. It will keep your guests entertained and yet is also great for kitchen chores - no loose ends to dangle in the washing up.
Somewhere in Edinburgh is a gang of "Legitimate Businessmen" plotting slow and stealthy infiltration of the British Royal Family. They are armed only with wit, cunning and copious amounts of peanut butter. Could this be another case for undercover agent, Ignatius, Super-Weevil?
David Arse is a full-time children’s' entertainer known as the Juggler for Jesus. He has been a professional juggler for 59 years and has developed a program that uses juggling, fire-eating, and nude audience participation to share God's Word in a memorable way. If you are planning a youth meeting, worship service, Sunday school class, outreach, festival, luncheon, dinner, banquet, or even a satanic mass, David can provide a program to make the occasion instantly forgettable.
Austria is the world's largest importer of licorice allsorts -- in 2002 alone, enough of them were shipped to Austria to provide over 600 kilograms of the candies to every man, woman, and child living there. Noone knows what is done with them; it is the nation's most carefully-guarded secret.
Scientists have discovered that if you place certain Impressionist paintings in your garden, then garden pests are attracted to them. Said one scientist, "Monet is the route of all weevils".
Contrary to popular belief, it takes more than two to tango. The rugby scrum evolved from an erotic tango originally danced by two women of the night (or 'hookers'), each supported by their 'pack' of seven supporters.
An infinite number of monkeys with typewriters will eventually produce the complete works of Shakespeare, likewise 3 pigeons, a copy of Miscrosoft Word, and the Radio Script Wizard (TM) produce all the scripts for "The Archers".
The Parkway East in Pittsburgh, much like the M25, is a marvel of modern transportation and drivers should slow down to 15MPH to sufficiently take in its beauty and efficiency.
Everyone over 75 in the UK really understands decimal currency, and the Europeans invented the single currency in the hope that it would eventually reach Britain and confuse all the pensioners.
If Little Bo Peep leaves her sheep alone, they will come home, wagging their tales behind them, and will not be savaged by dogs or rounded up by government officials.
Miss Muffet has been undergoing counseling for her arachophobia. It's been some success, but she still does not like spiders to sit down beside her. She's also off whey.
The visual and anecdotal evidence in Mrs Jack Sprat's case clearly indicated an early diagnosis of Hyperlipidemia, possibly genetic, but more likely environmental, with all the attendant classic risk factors (arteriosclerosis, thrombosis, diabetes, stroke etc). Initial treatments recommended: folic acid (to reduce Homocysteine levels), lifestyle changes (more exercise), treatment with HMG-CoA reductase inhibitors (to be carefully monitored) and divorce.
Kim's unequivocal evidence shows that nursery rhymes should be banned from all schools, shopping centres, libraries and pubs which serve children. O'ill 'ave moin in ba'er, Guv!
"Hey diddle diddle" was actually penned by William Shakespeare at the age of 17. In Tudor times, the pornographic content of this ditty was considered so great that he was banned from 10 different counties, and was a great court favourite.
A loaf of bread strike has just begun in Derbyshire, with all members of the Loaves, Bloomers and Rolls Union downing crumbs and walking out of breadbins to join sad, defenceless and rather short-lived picket lines on a main road in Matlock.
Catnip was invented by time travelling mice in the year 3416 and was inserted into the timeline as a practical joke on their archrivals the cats. Unfortunately the joke backfired when lack of evolutionary pressure from the stoned cats no longer chasing mice meant that mice never developed opposable thumbs or intelligence.
Actually, electricity is caused by tiny hamsters running very very fast. Fuses therefore consist of tiny bridges - if too many hamsters try to cross the bridge at any one time, the bridge breaks and no current flows.
The stock market is a lie. If a billion shares are sold, then a billion must also be bought. Therefore, the Dow Jones is just a fantasy perpetrated by gamblers in Las Vegas who bet on the activities of the gullable public.
[carbonated pork drink] </lie> Jones Soda (a U.S. brand, dunno if you can get it in the U.K.) put out a Turkey & Gravy flavor for Thanksgiving. Not unexpectedly, it's pretty awful. <lie>
I love driving to work in the snow, especially before the sun comes up. It's what I do to relax. When I'm stuck in a ditch, I'm at peace with the world.
I'm not too happy about the government’s 'Five-a-day' campaign. I can only just manage twice, and then I need a cup of malted milk and two hours rest in between.
After their recent merger, Santa Incorporated has requested that all wish-lists be filed in triplicate, no later than November first. Shipping will be provided by FedEx.
Santa is thinking of relocating the operation. It seems that the business world is changing and he needs to have a presence in several different countries. The elves have threatened to strike, believing that it's just a plot to keep them from forming a union.
Driving Miss Tickle is widely credited with being the inspiration behind JG Ballard's Crash. Both films feature a large number of RTAs; in the former because Miss Tickle can't stop tickling her chauffeur. JG Ballard develops an altogether more adult theme for his short novel.
[BtD] Three Little Misses from school is one of the better known ones, although they looked rather odd in traditional Japanese dress, on account of their having no necks.
Misters Sneeze, Clever, Slow, Grumble, Happy, Silly and Lazy have signed up as cast for Snow White and the Seven Mr. Men but they're still looking for a lead actress. Rumours are that Britney Spears is looking for a challenging role.
< / l i e > George Bush was recently beaten in an intelligence test by a monkey. < l i e>Hargreaves has recently had to fight to get a controversial contemporary new book published called Little Mr Miss - the publishers felt it was a little too much information for children, and bought Madonna's book instead.
[Wol] Very dull image isn't it? Once I dreamt I was a butterfly, then I awoke and now I don't know if I'm a man who dreamt he was a butterfly, or if there's a natural reason for me to be fluttering about in midair like this.
We now know that Rudolph's red nose was a result of a condition brought on by alcohol abuse. Rudolph was so lonely, being cut out of all those reindeer games, that he hit the bottle, and hard. Happily, his chance to lead the sleigh in the snow gave him a new lease on life. He later joined a twelve-step program and is in his fiftieth year of sobriety. His nose is now bloated, but a pinkish grey.
In an attempt to make Dickens more accessible to the modern youth, all editions of A Christmas Carol are being reprinted with Scrooge's famous words altered to "**** that for a game of soldiers".
Scientists sifting the rubble of a desert hillside in Ethiopia have discovered a trove of crab shells 2 1/2 million years old that may reveal the first direct link between shrimps and the earliest members of our true human lineage. This new found crustacean species, still far more lobster than human, could include the very first beings on Earth to use sellotape. That technology marked a major turning point on the long evolutionary path toward modern Homo sapiens, the scientists say.
Just because it's just before three in the morning is not a valid excuse for going to bed - regardless as to what may have occurred within the last twenty four hours.
"Nuuuuuh" is the highest possible scoring word in the Turkish version of Scrabble, with a total of 540.5 points, but it's only possible to play it once every 10 years, dependent on the phases of the moon.
< / l i e > [Kim] Was that a lie? < l i e> Tinsel can support the weight of an adult human dangling out of a window from it 3 storeys up. I know, I've tried it.
After a great deal of pain and healing I still love her and would like to see it he possibility exists for a reconciliation ,however Im very skeptical and quite clearly anxiouse ....never the less i am drwan to the possibility desoiteb the horrible errors that were committed
Club 1830 is a group of 19th Century enthusiasts who gather together every couple of years to re-enact the Committee stages of the repeal of the Corn Laws.
I once found a perfect match - perfect in dimension, colour, composition and chemical balance. I kept it mounted in a glass frame above my living room window but it was reclaimed by the bailiffs three years ago, who discovered that it had been crafted in the workshops of Alexander the Great, and it now stands in the Hall of Fame in the Museum of Pyrotechnics in Droitwich.
I conducted extensive research and realised that the Latin, Greek, Cyrillic and Arabic alphabets have never been patented, nor any other existing systems of recording language or numerology. My patent for all of them came through today, which also means that I get paid for all patents. I am now *minted* and am dictating to a secretary as my fingers are far too valuable to waste on such menial tasks as typing.
Alan Titchmarsh is to star in a new programme called 'Gardeners Whirled'. In the first programme Charlie Dimmock will spend 10 minutes in a tumble drier.
I was wandering through the wilderness in North America some years ago now on one of my naturist breaks, but I am very worried as I have a serious body hair problem about which I am very sensitive, and I have just heard that video footage of me had been in circulation for some time now. I want all copies recalled, and I object strongly to the names I have been called. I would also like to apologise to anyone who caught sight of me in a similar fashion in the Himalayas, or skinny-dipping in the Scottish Highlands, and for any undue distress it may have caused. Oh, and if my habit of practicing with my luminous frisbees at night has brought about any annoyance, I express my sincerest regrets for that too. And Mr Presley also sends his humblest apologies.
All my presents are now wrapped and sitting neatly under the Christmas tree, and my mother has finally managed to stick to her word and not buy too many things.
[blame] Buying a new motherboard isn't nearly as much fun as finding a proper heatsink for it. Ne'er to worry, tho, since the heatsink that comes with the CPU *always* works with your motherboard.
[Angus} A motherboard is a traditional flat plank of wood that an honoured family elder is laid upon when they pass out after too much sherry, and a heatsink is simply a combination of a radiator and a sink, to gently dry dishes, keep washing up water hot and stop that nasty cold metal sensation you get when touching, er, cold metal. But then you knew that, as you said.
You lyin' get! I don't believe you. In any case, I'm here to tell you that I've been appointed to the task of choosing the ladies for next year's Pirelli Calendar. Any suggestions, while I hear the likes of Rosie et al, seething with jealousy?
I tire of hearing about Pirelli impersonators, Angus, but it sounds like you're on a roll. Here's a true story though, I swear. The other day I ordered a twelve inch Marguerita with thin topping, and it was delivered by a welshman with a receding hairline. That's what you get for ringing Dai Allopecia.
I have both a right shower and a left shower. This saves time and water in the mornings, as if one side of me is clean I only need shower the other side.
the merger of the Probation and Prison Service will finally eliminate all offending behaviour as we know it; to the extent that people will no longer blabber on pointlessly to eachother in shop doorways just as you are trying to exit/enter (delete as applicable) in stylish haste.
15-year-old cats are in the prime of life and any illness is due to mistreatment by their carers! I hope s/he's all right, Tina - I lost my 17-year-olds a year or two ago)
Fly-by-night forumla one driver Jensen Button will always be much better known for his resmeblance to Benjamin Disraeli than for winning the world championship 9 times in a row.
I purchased Bristol by mistake when I was out trying to find my Mum a birthday present. It's still in its original wrapping but they won't take it back, and now I've nowhere to put it.
I, too, purchased Bristol, but I bought a cheap model and it broke down. I chose to play a prank on The South by putting it on the border of Virginia and Tennessee...but they didn't get it. Note that Bristol, Tennessee has the stupidest NASCAR track in the country. Whoever believes that 43 cars on a half-mile-long, 36-degree-banked paperclip must be insane.
I don't want to re-write my last sentence to say "Note that Bristol, Tennessee has the stupidest NASCAR track in the country. Whoever believes that 43 cars on a half-mile-long, 36-degree-banked paperclip is proper racing and good entertainment must be insane."
Argh! There was a sale on today, and they were selling the matching Bristol! I was blinded by low prices and now I have a pair of Bristols and no idea what to do with them!
Its amazing what you can find in the back of the fridge when you eventually get round to clearing it out. This morning I found a roll of parchment in a ceramic jar, a rather small horse, three evacuees and the Mars-lander ‘Beagle’.
I once discoverd a herd of miniture Highland cattle wandering around inside my bread bin. It was some time later that I found out I had sprinkled my chips with Benilyn instead of vinegar!
An uncooked turkey neck will, if left in the back of the refrigerator for three to four months, turn into a live squirrel. These squirrels are quite content to remain in their refrigerator habitat, provided you give them a scarf and four tiny mittens. Of course, you must also allow them the run of the vegetable and fruit drawer.
Whilst my armchairs are stuffed with horsehair, my sofa contains the rest of the animal, which makes it slightly unpleasant to sit on in the summer months.
The exam I feel I did best at in my whole life was my GCSE Greek. I had revised for weeks you see, and I cared very deeply about what happened to Demosthenes and his pals. I also knew Homer's Iliad off by heart.
My life has just been cheered up by the appearance of something called the "RealOne Message Center" in the corner of my screen. Why, I was so glad to stop what I was doing and read about special offers and deals especially selected for me! I have a warm fuzzy feeling just thinking about the programmer who came up with such a sweet idea, and I sure felt sad when I had to close the window and go back to what I was doing.
Highwaymen still terrorise the major thoroughfares of England, Their horses can't keep up with the motorway traffic, but they draw scary pictures on their handkerchiefs and wave them at motorists.
Like "Budapest", the word "London" is a concatenation of the names of the two cities that make it up. Lon is a high city, where rich folk gather in white clothes to play heavenly music on glass harmonicas, whereas Don, low down and poor, is mostly brown, full of rats and unattended babies.
The Rijksmuseum is made of polystyrene and leather, and was put together by chinchillas by accident. Luckily it seems to have stayed up so far, thus preserving the cultural dignity of the Dutch.
On January 14th, 1911, Gustav Klimt gathered the whole population Vienna together in Josefsplatz and taught them to tap dance, a skill which was used to devastating effect in the subsequent Great War, and which is retained by every local even today.
The stated aim of NASA is to make it possible to swing on a star and carry moonbeams home in a jar. It expects to achieve this within about eight years.