arrow_circle_left arrow_circle_up arrow_circle_right
Ooops! Time to change career?
help
Give quotes that suggests the person would be better seeking more suitable employment.
Police Constable
How was I to know he had a thin skull?
So I have an IQ of more than 90, then?
Fire at will, men!
Goodbye goodbye goodbye!
"Fell off the back of a lorry", you say? Hmmmm. Yes -- well, that sounds reasonable enough. Sorry to have wasted your time sir.
But it is cold outside , can I stay in and have another cup of tea first.
These handcuffs will be so envied at the S&M party.
No tax disc, no proof of insurance, no driver's license, no number plates? Well, these things happen. Drive on, sir.
You do not have to say anything but the Lord will know what is in your heart. It may harm your defence in the eyes of the Saviour Lord Jesus Christ if you do not mention when questioned something that Satan has stirrred within your soul which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say will be judged as being the work of the Devil and all his works by the Almighty in all his majesty and may be given in evidence and may the Holy spirit be merciful.
You, er, wanna come back to my place?
These black tights are sooo
yesterday! what happened there?
(Envisioned as being shouted by desk officer when driver is producing documents at the station)
Iä! Iä Shub Niggurath, The Black Goat of the Woods with A Thousand Young!
With grateful thanks to Inkspot for his wonderful entry and the inspiration for this one
Nothing more to see here. (I hope.) Move along there please.
Make way for the new topic: Supermodel
So I have an IQ of more than 90, then? sorrysorrysorry
Cake!
What do you mean I've developed a silicone alergy?
Shave my armpits? Never!
Sorry, I couldn't possibly go to a party - I have to finish my knitting.
There are so few designers making really intellectually challenging clothes.
I'm not going on any diet!
So what powers will I have that normal models don't?
Actually such air-headedness, it seems, would make for a good career here
I think fashion designers appreciate the fuller figure.
What do you mean, my underwear is not appropriate? I always wear long johns and a thermal vest.
No, I prefer to smoke a pipe.
Twiggy and I were in the same class at school.
Following Simons Mith's examples, let's keep the turnover fast and think about Brain Surgeons.
Doh not again!! Did anyone see where I dropped that?
. . . And if I poke this bit, his leg twitches!
GRAAAAGH!! BRAAAIINZZZ!!!
"My Brain hurts!" Dr G.P. Gumby MRCS, MT, MT, MT.
I always find a glass of wine whilst working helps tremendously.
Oh come on, Phillips, stop dithering and slice the damn thing; it's not exactly brain surgery, is it?
Yes, I know she wasn't meant to have a mastectomy, but I'd lost my glasses and I'd got this kind of idea I was supposed to be performing lobotomies on two bald men with large pimples.
Aaaaaaaaaachooo! Dammit! Swab!
"Before we put you under Mr. Blair, could you please confirm the donor's name?"
I have reviewed your case and have a few proposals few you, on my lap top I have a small power point presentation, it will only take a few minutes just to give you some idea of the options no committment for now but I really think we can work together on this.
"Of course I can take this on! I've worked on the best, you know! My most famous client is George W Bush!"
Whats happened to page 15 of the manual?
Look, er, I've got to go - there's a Lodge meeting. We can park this overnight. See you all tomorrow. Ciao!
OK, how about some for Farmers?
"Yeah... the inspectors from the government came round, and told me I had to kill all my cattle and burn them... So, I thought, why not have a really big barbecue and invite everyone?"
No, I'm not going in there! The cows might get me!
So when to I get to sow my oats?
So tell me, how do I grow crop circles?
Slaughter? I'm a vegan, y'know.
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! Raise the mainsail, me hearties! With a following wind we'll be in Totuga by Sunday! Aharr!
I'm not going down there! These shoes are from Prada!
I'm not going down there! It's filthy.
Now I'll just send all my woolly baa-lambs to France for a visit...
It's just a part-time thing, really.
I'm just sooooo not a morning person, y'know
Yes, feel free to wander around and take whatever you fancy.
No, I wouldn't accept EU subsidy on principle.
I must get those old rights of way properly maintained and signposted.
Move out the way you daft lumbering cows! I want to try out my new 9 iron.
Time for another. Er, hmm. Electrician?
Let's put an HR in:
Electrician
Doctors say I'm colourblind, but what do they know?
Only wimps turn off the switch.
Eenie-meenie-mynie-moe...
I can get it done for you in about two hours, using odds'n'ends I've got in my van. The cost should be nominal, say 30 quid for my time. Tell you what, I can do it next Sunday if you like.
Actually, I'd rather have a cheque, helps keeps the books in order.
What I say is, you can't beat a good old-fashioned fuse box and really thick fuse wire, these modern circuit-breakers trip as soon as look at them.
No, I don't worry about turning the power off. This amulet will protect me against electric shocks.
I don't believe in modern plastics and machine-made wire, they have all the wrong vibrations and completely destroy the feng shui. The best natural cable is made from organically mined copper, hand-drawn through dies of meteoritic iron, wound with birchbark gathered by a full moon and glued with tree sap from trees you planted yourself.
Put these houseplants each side of the TV and next and close as you can to the computer, and that should stop your earth leakage problems.
Let me assure you m'lady, I am no common blue-collared lackey but an itinerant entrepreneur on the verge of groundbreaking discoveries devoted to the scientific hippodrome of electromagnetism and circuitry, therefore do not be overtly alarmed if my methods appear unconventional. I assure you the crux of all electromagnetic inadequacies lie within the boudoir of ones home, so let us proceed therein and if you will consent to participate as my assistant I will footnote your charity in my private journals. Now, shall we prick the cork on this bottle of bubbly as a celebrancy to our partnership?
You don't see wiring like that very often, whoever did this was a real craftsman, I only hope I can do work as good as that.
[Raak] Stop, you're freaking me out :-)
Right then, cross your fingers.....
Yes, I can get the parts for that, no problem. Tomorrow ok?
OK, so brown is earth - makes sense, dunnit!
Remember kid, I have been in this racket a long time and I am the only one here who knows what he is doing so just perform whatever task I assign to you and don't give me no back lip. The company insists on sending you green kids along for me to train and damn if every one to date has not electrocuted himself on the first day. Let's see if you can do better. See here, I want you to splice together them two naked wires, then shimmy up this pole and disconnect the main power.
What does not kill me makes me stronger.
I've always wanted to do this! [buwahahahahahahahaha]
Okay, I'll hold this bare wire end in my right hand, you hold this other one in your left. Now watch what happens if we both touch your cat at the same time...
I never remember which is brown and which is blue, but it's AC, you can connect it either way round and everything still works.
"DOH!!! ... MY BRAIN HURTS!"
Might I suggest a new subject? If everyone agrees, I think Car Mechanic might be a good one to try.
"Here goes nothing!"
Turn that engine off! I'm allergic to exhaust fumes!
You have a flat what? sorry sir but we only fit round ones.
Diesel, petrol? What the hell, they're both fuel aren't they?
Do you realise that for every mile you drive, a baby dies?
I would recommend changing the brakes as the cars stopping distances are a bit long when we tested, don't worry about the bumper as that can be replaced but we will have to bill you for the damage to our wall.
When you say "righty tighty", is that my right?
I'm sorry ma'am, but I was unable to repair the damage to your tire. Since I was a wee lad I could not abide to see anything suffer, so I maneuvered your car around back and put a bullet into its engine block.
"Anybody hear the concert on Radio 3 last night?"
There's no labour charge.
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! Raise the mainsail, me hearties! With a following wind we'll be in Tortuga by Sunday! Aharr!
"DOH!!! ... MY BRAIN HURTS!"
We tried our best, but at 11.02 the battery finally died despite our best efforts. If you could follow me, you can chose from a number of options, for the service.
I like to involve the owner in the decision. What do you think is wrong with it?
I think it'll need a general anaesthetic. Now all I have to do is to work out how to arrange an EMP...
Look, you can't expect to leave it with us with a full tank of petrol and brand new tyres and expect them to still be there afterwards, I mean, perk of the job innit.
Before I give you the invoice for the work I have some paprework for you to complete, you have in front of you data on your cars engines performance, work out probability of what we have done to the EMS and confirm the predicted outcomes from the two given variables showing any correlation, determine how much you think is going to cost. Here is a clip board for you to write on, and if you could just take a seat, please show you working out and no talking to the person next to you or looking what they have written. When finished I’ll check your working out before giving you the proper answer and our bill.
An estimate? Tell you what: why don't I just go ahead and do the work, and you can pay me what you think is fair when I'm done? You can use my Jag while I'm fixing your Renault 2CV.
I think it's time for another career. But what? Physicist? Soldier? Pirate? Anyone got any promising ideas?
Mornington Crescent Professional Coach
You should always half-twist to Lancaster Gate.
Frankly, the game hasn't been the same since the Metro line was built, and if I catch you playing on the DLR, you can find another coach.
Don't worry about it not being part of the network any more - you can always go Knightsbridge to Ongar.
The game started to go downhill when money came into it.
Tactically speaking, you can never go wrong copying Tim Brooke-Taylor.
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose, as long as you play the game.
Lesson one: Throw away the rulebook.
[SM] Don't be daft, you'd do your back in!
Who the hell is this "Trellis" woman?
When in doubt, Dollis Hill.
Foremost you must never allow the desired crescent to become aware of your intentions. When shopping for your morning crescent I find a bold affrontery is the most tactful. There is no need for introductions, make your selection impulsively and capture said crescent with matching spontaneity, offering it no windows for escape, but while maintaining a firm but gentle pressure with the restraining thumb and fore-digits let the other hand stray and return with a butter knife laden with oleo with which you anoint the said object unsparingly. Take your time, massage every surfacial millimetre of said crescent. Hopefully the crescent has already been overtly warmed by your intimations and the butter melts, but should said crescent remain coldly hostile warm it up by placing it in your pants for no specific period of time but until the butter melts. Once persuaded in this fashion, even the most wholesome of crescents will become sinfully wicked. There you have it. A crescent you can sink your teeth into. Better even, grab another for a friend.
It's only a game.
That was an elegant move to Elm Park,but you have to remember how that will appear to your opponent, more style next time attempt a shunt from Moredon a little more lip gloss be bold with the eyeliner and tummy in.
You young whippersnappers think you know it all, if I 'ad my way you'd be practicing nothing but double shunts up and down the Central Line for three years before being allowed onto the Circle, and you'd never be entered for club competitions until you could handle back-striles across the river in your sleep, and then you 'ad an apprenticeship to serve and if you were lucky, really lucky, you might be allowed in the back door at an MCC event and get a chance to caddy for the real players as long as you knew your place but youngsters don't know any respect these days, flog 'em and 'ang 'em, that's what I say, never did me any 'arm....
Well, I have a set at home of course, but these days, when I get it out I more often than not flip the board over and play Ludo instead.
I think I should start by stressing that this is predominantly a game of chance.
You'll need four of each kind of polydice before you start.
Of course, Trellis is hopelessly overrated.
Show me the rule set before the Underground was built! Move from High Barnet to Morden without crossing the Central Line! Having no podumes, place one at Tottenham Court Road! When you can solve these questions, grasshopper, it will be time for you to leave.
Fancy a straddle?
Time for another: Evil Henchman (Or if you prefer, henchperson)
Get stuffed, master.
The Union of Evil Henchmen has instructed us to refuse any tasks not required by our contract until the management (that is, you) agree to talks without preconditions on an equitable pay rise for all employees while maintaining proper differentials between Henchmen, Minions, and Underlings.
But we've talked it all through, and we really want a kitten. Please?
(Voice Mode=Sergeant Wilson) The third switch? Do you think that's wise sir?
But sir, that would be wrong.
I always wear my lucky underpants when we go visiting only thing is this will be the third time this week.
(During the job interview, when asked where you see yourself in five years:) Replacing you, sir.
... 'an I sez to the old girl "You looking at me then?" when she says "Yeah!", I helped 'er cross the road safely like.
Welcome back master! While you were out I threw out all that nasty dirt in your coffin and gave it a good scrub with the water from the old church font.
"Oh dear ... tell me THAT is not *blood*. Because, if that is *blood* I am going to faint dead away."
"Sorry, I forgot again. Does the two quick claps thing mean 'take him away' or 'throw him to the floor'?"
"Why can't I commute? I don't want to live under a volcano."
But master, your enemy is but a single callow youth. What threat can he possibly pose?
Look, y' knew the deal when y' borrered the money from Big Tony. If y' can't pay woss owed we're going to have to give you another three month extension on the dealine and reduce the payments again.
Master, when you have a moment, could we book some time in for my appraisal?
I'm sorry, but this uniform just isn't me. The cut's all wrong, and, I mean, well... black? That's sooooooo last year, and what with my pale complexion... I'd be a lot better off in something in autumnal tones, perhaps with a decent pair of shoes - these boots are far too heavy...
Excuse me Masterspy, but given that Mike Mercury requires the assistance of both Dr Beaker and Professor Popkiss to launch it, I have little confidence in your ability to steal Supercar. Indeed, I personally doubt that we can get the canopy open, and I'm getting a little tired of being blown up with just enough explosive to ruin my clothes and blacken my face every time we try.
What, another new career? Already? You lot are insatiable. Museum curator.
It's time we threw out some of the old tat cluttering up this place.
I've changed the notes in the Early Egyptian section as they made no mention of the visits by spacemen from Alpha Centauri.
Right! I've relabelled all the fossils explaining that they were laid down in the Great Flood. I've replaced any datings from before 4004 B.C. and I'm just about to shift the dinosaur skeletons across to the "Early Homonids" display section so they can play with the children. I reckon it'll all take about siz days then I'll have a nice rest. Anything else needing done?
I've called you all together here to let you know that the 'Cash in the Attic' team will be arriving at 10 o-clock. I'd like you to give them all the assistance they need.
Museums are conversations, human beings talking to each other in human voices, not old stuff in glass cases that smells of death. Museum 2.0 will no longer have "visitors" and "exhibits", but must create conversational artefacts which anyone can interact with anywhere. User-contributed content organised by folksonomies instead of exclusionary scholarly descriptions. To begin with, I'm hiring a team of user experience designers to transform our exhibition halls into themed multimedia internet-enabled user-directed experiences. The old stuff in glass cases can be stored in the basement. And every member of staff is going to write a blog.
[Raak] I think you have that wrong. In my experience of museums that person will end up as the Head Curator - possibly as CEO of MLA. Likewise Sierra Mike's. Here's the surefire way to get sacked:

"What we need round here is proper, orderly cataloguing; displays that present artefacts in chronological order and present them in the proper scholarly language. Under no circumstances must members of the public be permitted to sketch items, talk or bring children into what is properly a space for private scholarship or, better, religious contemplation."
[Projoy] *swoon* Except I'd allow a limited number of bona fide students with sketch pads, provided they are studying a relevant subject at a proper university and have a letter of introduction from their head of department. A few serious bright young things make a suitable decoration for hushed halls of learning.
[Raak] You are Evelyn Waugh and I claim my... oh, no, wait, a gentleman never discusses money.
[Projoy] Well, if the game has become How to Get Fired as Quickly as Possible I'd suggest "I've soaked everything in petrol and put a match to it". :o)
The conventional view is that museums hold things of the past. Why don't we challenge that and build a museum of the present! An exhibition of the best of modern life: espresso machines, boy bands, and Jade Goody nude. And we'll never run out of space, when we throw out the new to make way for the newer.
I only broke it a little bit.
"I think embellishing some works with a marker pen makes them more accessible."
"Ooooh-la-la, my first order of business will be to gargle with lavoris, next I'll slap on a little cologne, and finally its off to reanimate old Queen Hatshepsut in her drab sarcophagus. Now, WHERE did I put that 'Do Not Disturb' sign?"
I don't know why the Greeks are so obsessed with marbles, but can't we pay them off with a few bags of aggies?
Listing all these civilizations by name is racist, and separating the artifacts into so-called "cultures" only demonstrates outdated tunnel-visioned stereotyping.
During the Christmas holidays I decide to re-order everything according to colour and size. So much tidier, don't you think?
Congratulations Madame. You are our 100,000th visitor and so you will be allowed to take home any exhibit in the museum.
*stumble* Oops.
That statue has a penis showing! Bring me the chisel!
*guffaw* [wiping away tears of mirth]
Was that a passing museum curator?
I'm quite shocked at the state of disrepair of so many of our exhibits. I'm going to commission some artists to recarve the features on the Easter Island statue, and a couple of gallons of plastic wood should see the old Polynesian boats in proper working order again.
The Romans? Are they like old French people or something?
[Projoy] That's Jade Goody, isn't it?
What this place needs is an exhibition called "Jade Goody Nude".
In honour of a teetotal friend of mine: sommelier
An excellent choice, sir. [sotto voce] Strictly entre nous, I like that one so much that I swiped a couple of bottles last Saturday, took them home and got completely rat-arsed!
We'd save a lot of money by buying any old plonk and replacing the labels with whatever we want to print up. The punters will believe whatever I tell them.
My I remind Sir that even your fat and rather rotund form that three glasses of this fine and excellent wine will still make you too pissed to drive.
Don't worry about any sediment, sir, I gave the bottle a good shake on the way to your table.
I recommened the Carlsberg Top, sir.
With respect, sir has neither the taste to appreciate the wine that sir is indicating, nor, to judge by sir's off-the-peg suit, the wallet to pay for it. May I suggest that sir sticks to the house red instead of getting ideas above himself?
Excellent choice, madam. Would you like some lime with that?
A trade secret I'll share with you sir: if the bottle's a funny shape the wine's even better!
Before you taste this wonderful vintage sir, there is just the matter of the health and safety risk assessment questionnaire just a formality, only take ten minutes of your time. Now is sir left or right handed?
It's from somewhere in Germany.
Hang on, let me guess... is it red?
Certainly. And would you like a glass or a straw?
You can tell a lot from the label, sir. For example, this one says 'Tesco 2.99', well, that's frankly piss.
Another inside tip, sir - the second-cheapest wine on the menu always gives the best value for money.
The best vintages can be found in TetraPakTM boxes.
"Catch!"
Personally, I'd rather have a pint.
It's called Chateau Lafite because it smells of feet.
Of course, the best wines come from the North East of England.
Of course, drinking alcohol means you go straight to hell, but if you must, why not have the very best and make it worth being drowned in boiling oil for countless aeons?
Igor, fetch the BIG corkscrew! *leer*
Struggling to choose? Tell us your options and we can mix them all up together.
Bottle or draught?
Water or ice?
Rare or Well Done?
The vintage? Wednesday, I think. Hang on, I'll check the box.
It's made from grapes, isn't it?
It's good for a gargle.
It is sweetened with the very best antifreeze.
Shall I be mother?
Swallow a mouthful, wait five minutes, then pee in the bucket. If the pee has the same bouquet as the wine, your kidneys aren't working.
If you want to impress your companion you need to order a wine at least three times as expensive at that one.
If Sir doesn't make his bleedin' mind up, Sir will find a corkscrew has numerous uses.
I have to say that this Champagne goes particularly well with a pack of Mentoes.
The best thing for removing red wine stains, sir, is somellier urine.
Oops! that should be *sommelier*
Of course the French praise their wine. Anything tastes good after eating that much garlic.
May I suggest a new occupation to target? A relationship counsellor
If I were you I'd dump the bastard.
Huh! You think you've got problems?
Come straight in, and sit down please. No talking. Face the front, I said No Talking! it's no good looking at me like that me laddie, me boy, I saw that, right! arms folded both of you. Now!
Hm, actually, you're both pretty fit. How about a threesome?
"Today we will explore role reversal in the bedroom and in preparation I have procured costumes for each of you. I would like for you madame to strap on this cumbrous prosthetic appendage, and for you sir I have a maidenform mangina. In addition, if neither of you will object I would like to tape this session for quality purposes." ............. i know i know i'm outa here already!"
So stay together or split already. Next!
You've got a cracking pair of tits.
OK, you call - heads you stay together, tails you split up.
If you're here, your relationship's broken down. So you already know what to do next, don't you? If you're looking for advice on splitting the assets, don't ask me, see a lawyer.
Well, as we know, most relationship problems are invariably the woman's fault...
Have you been seeing another counsellor behind my back?
In any relationship, one person has to be in charge. So just decide which of you wears the collar and which holds the leash.
Wherever you are, that's exactly where you want to be, or you wouldn't be there. Whatever you're doing is exactly what you want to be doing, otherwise you wouldn't be doing it. There is nothing to fix and no problem to solve. That will be £300.
Sorry, could you go over that again? I drifted off for about five minutes and lost your thread.
Chill. None of this will matter in a hundred years time.
Heavy drugs can sometimes perk things up.
I'm very glad that you have come to see me. You have both taken a very courageous and mature step towards building a better, healthier relationship. Working together, and treating each other with mutual respect, I am sure that over the coming weeks and months we will be able to develop the understanding and trust that serve as the foundation stones for solid and long-lasting companionship and love. Now, as the first step -- I'm sorry, but could you stop sucking on your teeth like that, it's really irritating -- as the first step, I want to engage in a trust-building exerci-- wait, and you, can you stop drumming your fingers like that -- trust-building exercise, in which -- WILL YOU STOP THAT! -- in which I am going to ask each of you in -- GOD, THAT IS REALLY ANNOYING, STOP IT, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE...
Right - you've got your boxing gloves... Now, I'm going to turn the lights out, and the last one standing will be the one who was obviously right all along.
To begin with, obviously, you must both learn the piano. Follow me over here please. OK. This here is middle C which is sort of the main note on the instrument, and then you have...
"Good evening, my name is Dr. Phil."
I think we need a new profession.
Blacksmith
Aaaah! The screams of tortured metal, raped from Mother Earth!
To protect my face from the constant heat of the forge I wear this "leather" facemask I ran off from some offcuts I had from another...project. Why don't I you my hammer collection? It's in this cupboard. You go ahead and I'll follow you into the nice dark cupboard full of hammers. Big, heavy hammers. That's right...
Do you have a lighter hammer?
Actually, I prefer to be called an 'ethnicsmith'.
[Try saying that three times fast, especially if you have false teeth.]
Actually, I wanted to be a tunesmith, but my GCSE's weren't up to scratch.
"Alas! Foiled, my sweet pickanini! It is indeed shoe polish and I am a WHITE Smith."
You know, I still haven't worked out how to shoe pastry...
"I used to be a chef, but I couldn't stand the heat."
Metalwork is overrated, look at my Macramé
My new line of Sodium horseshoes are easier to fashion to shape, but the quenching is a right bugger.
are/is. Whatever.
Hey, get that dirty great horse out of my smithy! And don't come back!
No, no, no -- it's bad luck to put the shoes on that way round.
"Would you like for me to shoe your wife?"
Ah, Sarah-Jessica, if you'd just like to slip off those Manolo Blahniks...
"I had that Princess Anne in the back of the forge, once."

*Whang! Whang! Whang! Squelch* Aaaarrrrgghh!
*Whang! Whang! Whang! Squelch* Aaaarrrrgghh!
How about
Nuclear Physicist
No Nukes!
[Raak] Reminds me of the 'Liberal Call' used in Berke Breathed's Bloom County Babylon. Can't find it online so have to get the book out this evening for a laugh.
What's that clicking sound? It seems to be getting faster...
Don't be silly - nothing can go that fast!
I've brought a magnifying glass. Does that help?
Should it be melting like that?
Christ, I've got a rash all over me! This wall isn't made of lead by any chance, is it? [I Say, Porter] BB's strip was called "Bloom County". That particular collection was called "Babylon". Try looking for "Opus", "Bill the Cat", "Hodgepodge", "Steve Dallas" or just "Bloom County" for other collections. BB doesn't hold with the WWW, so online versions will be hard to find and unsanctioned. As of last Christmas the BC strip was running again as a weekly in some papers. Hope this helps you. I now return you to the game in progress.
Does my bum look big in this? [SM] Thx, I'll get the books out - got all of 'em I think - it's quicker.
When you say "fission products", do you mean "lurid plastic worms, ratchet action reels, fine nylon monofilament" and so forth or do you mean "bury this in a salt mine for a thousand years"? [I Say Porter] <grin>Well I have both a large Opus plushy and a matching-scale Bill non-plushy as well as all the non-omnibus collections. But wait, there's more! I also have a mint copy of the promo single bound into "Billy and the Boingers Bootleg" and a pristine "Bloom Picayune" bound into "Risky Business". Your turn. :oP</grin>
How do we know it will melt down if we take out all the control rods? Shouldn't we try?
[Raak]Your first "blacksmith" has had me laughing since you wrote it. Nicely done, sir.
If you pull out this thing as far as it will go and stand here holding your lunchbox, you can toast your sandwiches and get a nice tan in about two minutes.
What flavour quarks? er... chocolate, strawberry or vanilla. Would you like hundreds and thousands?
Ray D Ation? Nah, I'm not into sixties music.
Whoa, no, man... I mean... that water's really... like... heavy...
Of course, atoms are only a theory. Personally, I believe that nuclear energy is the proof of God's bounty, creating energy out of nothing. That's why atheists should be used as reactor shielding. See how long they stay atheists then, exposed to the merciless fire of God's love!
Isn't Fast Breeder a kind of rabbit?
Strontium 90... West Bromwich Albion nil...
Isotope? Is that like getting drunk on your own?
According to my calculations, I can use the Large Hadron Collider to create a black hole that will instantly grow at the speed of light, devouring the Earth in a fraction of a second! You must fund this groundbreaking research!
If you really want to lose weight, you need to reduce your critical body mass by controlling the dark matter abrorbed through the body's fatty tissue.
IT'S PRONOUNCED NUC-U-LAR, YOU IDIOT!!
I prefer to barbecue over charcoal, but I can never get the bloody stuff to light.
I love a good old 9 to 5 job.
If I bring in leftovers for lunch, can I use your kit to heat 'em up?
President Ahmedinejad said it was OK if I filmed the set-up here. Honest.
I know that under those conditions the accepted practice is to yell "Emergency! Scram the reactor!", but I feel "Alah-u Akbar!" is shorter and more punchy.
Game's slowing down again.
Shepherd
Angels? What are those then? I mean, I'm all for knocking off and going down the pub, but voices in the sky singing about how we're all to go down to this scruffy travellers' inn, sounds like you've had a few already. More likely some local band advertising their gig in the back garden.
(at the interview) My philosophy is that each sheep is an individual, and it is the shepherd's job to support them toward their own self-defined goals.
Wool? No, no. Totally allergic. That's why I have to wear man-made fibres.
Now that's a beautiful sheep. Where are my wellies.
I'm convinced they can fly with enough determination. Of course, the initial results have been a little disappointing. Maybe I need a higher cliff.
No worries sir, my strict training regime will have them ready for the Grand National, no doubt!
No, that's no problem, I'll just let them mix with my pack of wolves.
Now, I have a very good recipe for mint sauce.
I'm sorry, I can't watch the sheep tonight, I'm washing my socks.
Now that I've painted them lots of different colours it will save time not having to dye the wool later.
No worries on the 'falling asleep' front, I can't count.
Lambing season's best. Let a few die, it makes a treat for the dogs.
I'll report you for discriminating against me just because I'm agoraphobic.
Shall I carve?
(traditional yell from car windows at spring time where I come from) MINT SAUCE! REDCURRANT JELLY! GRAAAAVY! GET IN MY BELLY!
Oh, hold on a minute. Sheep are the ones with curly tails, aren't they? Go 'oink'. That's right, isn't it?
So, I make a loud noise and they run towards the guys with the shotguns, right?
How can you expect me to out in this weather? I'll get soaked.
I don't care! Bleat as much as you like! Nobody's going back to the pen until we've mastered this Busby Berkeley routine! OK, from the top, and this time keep in step!!
Shit! The sky's red! Must be a nuclear attack! Duck, everyone!
"WOLF! WOLF! Ha Ha, just kidding."
If I bring my cape, could I be a shepherd spy? No? Oh sorry... I'll get me coat...
I think we need another job.
Stand-up comedian
Spooky. That was the one I was thinking of as well.

"In this my eleventh Budget, my report to the country is of rising employment and rising investment; continuing low inflation, and low interest and mortgage rates . . ."

"What a lovely audience you are but first let us pray to God the All Mighty. Father bless this place and ..."
So, what about cancer? One little cell screws up, and then boom!, they're all at it. I mean, what's with that? It's like you got a bunch of little sheep cells there in your body 'Baaaah, baaaaah, metaaaaastaaaaasize. And have you noticed how funny people behave when they get cancer in their brain...
To understand the next joke, you need to know a few things about cosmology and string theory. In the space of braided triples over the octonions...
"Any jokes, shaggy dog stories and opinions I am about to tell you here this evening that being told by me and are intended for this audience and should not be repeated unless approval has been explicitly stated. Anything I say that may or may not be humourous and comical is intended solely the individuals or entity that make up the audience. If you are not the intended recipient..."
There are many amusing things that happen in my job as a management consultant, and this evening I should like to recount a few, which I am sure you will enjoy.
Good evening and f**k you all, quite frankly, you overprivileged white (well, mostly) middle class hypocritical c**ts.
Islam, eh? I was planning a joke about it, but they told me it would bomb...
Peace, man, peace, I'm da rappin' policeman. I'm tappin' on your window and ello ello ello, innit? I'm drivin' in my car, an' arrestin' you for marijuana. (continues for ten minutes)
Erm...erm... is this thing on?...*thud*...*crackle*...can you all hear me back there?...Hello?..*bzzzzt*....I say *crackle* can you all...can you *crackle* hear me?...*CRACK*...Sorry, not used to these microphones...is that better? can you all hear...I say, can you all hear me back there?...
They say the best comedians are laughing on the outside but crying on the inside. Well, frankly, I couldn't give a shit. In this business, it's all down to the quality of the audiences. So, I hope you lot are the 'laughing on the outside' types, or I'll be sending the boys with the baseball bats into the auditorium.
LAUGH, YOU BASTARDS! THAT WAS A F***ING JOKE!
My name's Mark and I DESPERATELY WANT A SHAG. (pause) I DESPERATELY WANT A SHAG. (pause, clears throat). OK, you're probably not going to like the rest of my routine, then.
Let's talk about rape.
The title of my talk tonight is "The Comic Turn in XIXth-Century German Philosophy: Kant's Critique of Judgement Considered as a Work of Satire".
So, remember when you were young and you used to masturbate to pictures of Giant Haystacks...? We've all done it, haven't we? Haven't we?
RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT ..... [insert the sound of shattered chandeliers crashing to the floor *HERE* amid intermittent gunfire] ....A-TAT-A-TAT... Now if all the ladies present will remove their jewelry and place it along with their other valuables and credit cards onto the table before them and you gents do the same with your wallets. My able assistants will move among you and collect it. Let's have no dead heroes, and I am sure you will all be laughing about this tomorrow.
I say, I say, I say. There was -- no, there were -- an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman -- no that's wrong, there were an Englishman, a German, and...hold on, let me check my notes...
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...
"Ddyn cerddedig i mewn i dafarn..."
Who is that talking while I'm talking? I can wait all night if necessary; it's your time you're wasting. Very well, since we can't behave like grownups, everybody: fingers on lips, bottoms on the floor.
"why did the chicken cross the road?"
"ghImlu'meH QaQ jaj vaghdich!"
Allahu Akbar!
[CdM] I've got a cancer-centred routine. My dad died of cancer seven years ago, they rang me up from the hospital and said 'Sorry, I'm afraid we've lost your dad'. I said "don't worry, he can't have got far in his condition". Bloody NHS, couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery, but the responses are pre-programmed from a very young age, aren't they, so I went through them: "have you looked properly?", "where did you see him last", "think back to what you were doing when you last had him"... and so on and so forth.
Tony Blair! Gordon Brown? Gordon Bennett! GEORGE DUBYA BUUUUSH!! Eyeraq! Afghanistan! Maggie Thatcher!
Prostitute
Read any good books lately?
How much did your peerage cost?
Thank you for choosing me for your pleasure today. I hope you have a safe journey home, and will consider using me for your pleasure again. As you leave, please pick up a customer satisfaction survey, which you can fill out and return to me via the attached pre-paid envelope.
I'm not touching THAT.
How am I doing?
I'm just going to take a quick photo for my files, whilst you fill out this questionnaire.
Don't mind the guy in the corner - he's from the News of the World and he's doing an investigation.
I've got a special offer on STDs, buy one get one free.
Do you mind if the inspector here sits in and observes? Don't worry, she's here to assess my performance, not yours.
Hello sailor. Fancy a grim time?
They call me Madam Vodafone. I charge by the second.
I'm a bit busy tonight, darling. Do you mind sharing a session with someone else? You get a discount.
No, I've called myself Madam Whiplash ever since I was in a road accident. © Smith & Jones
Fancy a nice cup of tea and a cuddle?
How's my riding? Call 0800 152 6424.
[not sure if that is the same as Kim's earlier post]
...slurp....slurp....CHOMP...............
Hi! I'm Lorena Bobbit.
By the way doll, this is Rollo, he is now going to penalize you for early withdrawal.
"I hate men....PTOOOOOOIIIIIIEEEEEEEE......I cut their balls off.....feeelthy peegs!!!"
Just a word before we start about the theory behind my practice, I use a range of sexual modalities to enable us both to explore and work through the emotional, cultural and genital aspects of your feelings. I want you to know that all of your desires are legitimated in this context and I'm targeting this session towards the objectives that you can see I've written up here on the whiteboard. Do feel free to mention if you'd like us to re-examine those objectives together and perhaps amend them according to your needs as a client and mine as a practitioner. Now, are you happy if we start with the tits?
You pay this much three times a week? Wouldn't it be cheaper to just have your bits chopped off? And think of all the time you'd save!
Pheee-ewwwwwwww ... c'mon over here doll and tell me, does this smell gangrenous ???
Sorry, I dozed off for a second.
By entering these premises you agree that sessions may be recorded for staff training purposes and that data collected may be shared with other businesses.
How much do I owe you?
Open wide...
Just lie back and think of England.
[KNOCK] [KNOCK] Oh blessed heavens, Mr. Jones, I have been searching for you for days. You accidentally left your wallet and credit cards in the motel room, here they are. No thank you, knowing you have them back safely is reward enough.
Crap car, love. Got a big dick have you?
Hello Mr. Floppy!
You can't afford me, duck, now p*ss off.
I always 'ave a garlic sandwich for lunch. Stops me gettin' colds.
Oh whoopee, I just won the lottery.
Announcer for the Speaking Clock
"....TICK.....TOCK....TICK....TOCK....TICK...."
*snore*
AT THE T'IRD STROKE, THE TOIME SPONSORED BY THE ORANGE ORDER WULL BE SUX FIFTEEN PRESOISLY (Apologies for any transcription errors trying to represent that dialect.)
Have you got the time?
Time, grasshopper, is an illusion. Look deeply into yourself and you will find that you will know what it is time for.
It's about 7 or thereabouts, I think. Maybe later.
At the third stroke, it will be time for another drink.
Thank you for calling the philosophical speaking clock. Before we can commit to applying a particular scale and measurement to this thing we call "time", I think it's important that we can be sure we know what is meant by the term. In this phone call, I will marshal evidence from the disciplines of physics, theology and flower arranging to consider a range of interpretations of the concept of time and will problematise both the classical notion of time as a continuous dimension and the more recent idea of time as a quantum phenomenon. As always in these matters, it is well to return to Aristotle, who said...
F***! My watch has stopped!
As wur murm ra chumm spunsurd bur aggariff ull bee ert furfur erruree. BEEP BEEP BEEP
Thank you for calling the fundamentalist speaking clock. At the third stroke it'll be exactly 6004 years, 13 months, 16 days, 5 hours, 4 minutes and 40 seconds since creation.
It's time you got a watch, hur hur.
This is a really stupid job, I mean, you can get wristwatches that automatically synchronise to the Riugby transmitter, and any sensible mobile phone will sync as soon as you turn it on, and you can get the time over the internet, and your cable feed will keep your DVR on time, so what does anyone need to ring me up for? It's like that woman who carried the time from Greenwich to London right up until 1939, when they'd had the telegraph since the nineteenth century. This isn't a proper job, it's a living history exhibit, and at the third stroke it will be time to heave yourself into the 21st century.
"ohhhhh baby, I know how you like it....slowwww and steeeeady...tick tock....tick tock...oh yesssss...that's the rhythm you like.....and I can give it to you darling, 24/7....tick tock....tick tock....i won't let you down doll, 'cause I've got ambidextrous hands....and a one track mind....tick tock....tick tock....slowwww and steeeeady....just the way you like it....ohhhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh....who's your daddy now?.....tick tock....tick tock...."

My first is in flannel but not in towel my second's in shovel and also in trowel
my third is in upshot and utter and u-bolt my fourth is in rifle and also in Northolt
my fifth is in twaddle and teaspoon and teddy my sixth is in Helen but never in Reddy
my seventh in iron is first in the line my eighth is in red sky a delightful sign
my ninth is in toothbrush and taxi and tack my tenth is in yo-yo and yam and in yak
just add thirty seconds, by now make it fifty and you've got the time without looking. How nifty!
At the th..th..th..third st..st..st..strohfuckit.
Chill, man, who cares what time it is? Put down the phone, walk barefoot through the grass, turn on, tune in, drop out.
The big hand is pointing somewhere between the twelve and the one, the little hand is pointing somewhere between the three and the six. So it must be twenty past twelve. or so. ish.
At the third stroke it will be three eighty-six and ninety seconds.
At the third stroke, Mr. Bond, the device will detonate. Say your prayers, 007.
:)
Leaving Mr Bond on a cliffhanger, we move on to: Personal Trainers
Got a light?
The best thing for a broken leg is to just keep on running. The more it hurts, the more it's healing.
Look! The sooner you finish the two press-ups, the sooner we can get down to the Sunday Buffet at the Chinese. It's 9.99 for everything you can eat today.
I steal your girlfriend!
Well if you can't be bothered, neither can I.
No, I promise you, it's just a vitamin supplement.
Christ, these things are heavy!
Sex?
It helps if you use the equipment whilst naked. At least, it helps me :op
Fourteen....fifteen....keep going....sixteen...nineteen, sevent - wait - hang on - oh, bugger, we'd better start again - one...two...keep going....three....
My God, you're sweating, how disgusting!
Look into my eyes, you are feeling very sleepy...
Here boy, here boy, Over to the running machine! Come on! That's it. Goooooood boy. Have a chocolate treat. All right, come on, boy, jump up. Gooood. All right, here we go... Walkies!
I used to be a fat bastard like you.
If it's an effort, you're doing it wrong.
Now, sit on the floor cross-legged, lotus posture if you can manage it, close your eyes, and chant along wth me, "Ommmmm.....", and as you feel the vibrations filling you, visualise those muscles getting stronger, "OMMMmmmmmmm.........., imagine running effortlessly, "OMMMMMMmmmmmmm.............."
Sorry, but if you don't go into cardiac arrest, you're just not trying hard enough.
Now remember, these are toning exercises, you don't want to develop horrid nasty muscles.
Hello? - Sorry, can't come next week - done me back in.
Get that arse!
Right, twenty pressups NOW, and if I see that flabby belly touch the floor once, *thwack* it'll be six more of these *thwack*. And remember to say "Thank you, Mistress" after each one or you'll get an hour chained to the treadmill.
Bit of a set-up this one: Anthropomorphic personification
<diplomatic> I can't quite see what's required here.</diplomatic>
[Rosie] I think perhaps Simons' title is too broad. He may be asking for "furry fandom" input, on the other hand he may, for example, mean the tall skeleton with the hooded black robe and the scythe. I think clarification is required before any posts can be made, or we'll all be confused.
Is it the old Goon Show joke?
"Would you like to see my impressions of wax fruit?"
"Can you do a banana?"
Pause... "In the privacy of your own home, you CAN do a banana."
[gil] It's your turn in the barrel.
If any of those ****ing brats are wake up when I go to get the tooth they can ****ing swing for their ****ing pound
[all] Ah, I see what you mean. I did intend to cover all forms of avatar, including the bony chap, but in hindsight that is a bit broad. Carry on with the tooth fairy?

Dear Lucy,
            Your recent payment of one incisor was credited to your account yesterday. Be aware that due to shifts in certain volatile market assets you are currently in a position of significant negative equity vis-a-vis your dental assemblage. I have regretfully decided to foreclose on your remaining debt and would appreciate your payment of the outstanding balance (currently assessed at two canines, a premolar, two molars and a wisdom tooth) by close of business Thursday.

Yours Sincerely,

T. Fairy.
Of course, Gary Larson did it best in The Far Side with his psychotic "Next time I'm bringing the pliers, Billy" letter from the tooth fairy.
Yes little girl, you can have a rummage around in Santa's sack. No, I leave the big one at the North Pole, this one is more, sort of, Santa's pouch.
Dear William,
It has come to my attention that your brother George has never provided me with a tooth in trade. I would muchly like to add one of his pristine enamels to my collection, but based on his unwillingness to cooperate, I beseech you to acquire one for me. I will pay triple the going rate. It would please me to no ends if you would procure for me the complete collection, at which time I may have another little favor to ask.
Yours In Good Faith,

T. Fairy.

p.s. I have hidden a mallet beneath your bed.
Upper right two and four, lower right three and two lower left one. Come on.
A pink podume to anyone who recognises the above quote. It was brought to my mind by the death of Dick Vosburgh last week.
Oh gawd, its nearly dawn and I can't get rid of these nicotine stains!
"Little boy, would you like to come sleepover at my Neverland ranch?"
[bob] Coffee all over the place.
*jangling chord* NOBODY expects Santa Claus! Our two weapons are our sinister laugh *HO HO HO* and our menacing red cloak -- and our minute record of all your sins... Our three weapons...
What about your knobbly sack?
Among our multiple and diverse weapons of terror are these: our sinister laugh *HO HO HO*, our menacing red cloak with the furry bits, our record of your sins, our knobbly sack, and our little elves. Will you confess now, or must we play you -- THE JINGLE BELLS! *evil maniacal laughter*
"IOU 5 cents, please add it to my tab."
"£14.50, Johnny. That'll teach you to sleep with your head under the pillow." © T. Pratchett
[isp] ouch!!! LOL
Time for a change?
Pope
"Mazel tov... oops"
"Can't we get some birds in and have a knees-up?"
"Get that arse!"
"La ilaha illa Allah. Muhammadun rasulullah."
The creation story's not meant to be taken literally...
I am so totally not gonna wear that dumb hat in public!
"Erm... I appear to have a turret in my car, but someone's nicked the machine gun..."
"You know what women are like".
I talk to God...
"Hi! I'm David Icke!"
What do you mean, women aren't allowed to be Pope?
Let's do the Spanish Inquisition sketch!
I was only obeying orders!
"Can I get an audience with Bono?"
Dear God, please make it chocolate pudding for lunch today!
Charity to the poor? But I don't understand this. What's in it for us? We need to be maximising our yield, here, not giving the green stuff away! Who hired this nincompoop?
"I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition"
The Church should institute a vow of poverty for all of its officials and servants.
Time to invade Italy and take back my kingdom. Roll out the tanks, Cardinal General Bellarini!
Of course I support a woman's right to choose! What do you think I am, some kind of fascist?
Ma Dad loved his fitba'. Supported Rangers, aye.
What have the Roman Catholics ever done for us?
We need to reexamine our basic brand proposition, and establish new conversations that let our customers talk directly to us. I've hired Mr. Wormwood here from Screwtape.com to create opportunities to enable new user-centred engagement modes and collectively emergent reevaluation of traditional doctrine. To keep up to date on these exciting developments, subscribe to my blog, and read the new College of Cardinals wiki.

(I am delighted to record that rab's spam-detector turned up its nose at that until I invoked the name of our patron saint.)

Yes, I wear the cilice, but it won't show under my papal robes.
That Dan Brown knows his stuff, eh!
Of course I make the odd mistake - we all do. I'm not infallible, you know.
hare krishna, hare krishna, krishnoops!
Do you mind, that's my copy of Watchtower.
Personally, I think Satan's had a very bad press.
Meine Ehre heißt Treue
The porn film was a very, very long time ago. Can't we forgive and forget?
There's these two nuns in a bath, right....
What's all that smoke?
"So you say your are a Merovingian and you have come to collect what?"
Just between us, can't we stop pretending? I mean, no-one inside the Church actually believes any of this stuff, do they?
That would be an ecumenical matter!
[Phil] Feck! Girls!
We need to make the services more relevant to young people of today. How about this? "Asch nazg durbatuluk! Asch nazg gimbatul! Asch nazg thrakatuluk! Agh burzum-ishi krimpatul!" Doesn't that have a ring to it? Much better than all that boring old Latin.
The Vatican's primary purpose is of course sexual. It is a graphic representation of the phallic power of the Catholic Church. [nfras] You forgot Arse!
Jesus f***ing Christ all-f***ing-mighty!
[Phil] :op
"You know me, I'm never right!"
"These condoms don't fit..."
Here's one in poor taste, for a change: Thank heaven for little girls
My secretary's got herself pregnant but fortunately she's going to ged rid of it.
[Rosie] hehehehehehehe
I intend to make the entire Vatican archives public and publish them on the Internet.
"Bad monkey! Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad monkey!"
"Yes, of course I am a woman, what's wrong with that?"
[IS,P!] Thought I'd ignore subtlety for a bit.
"In nomine Patris, et filii et Spiritus Sancti...non verum Deo credo."
I think we should pack in this whole Pope thing and rejoin the Orthodox churches.
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!
And as the would-be Pope is taken away by the Spanish Inquisition, let's hear a Prime Minister talk himself out of a job.
I'm going to be completely honest with you...
All this power - it's wonderful!
I'm not coming in. I'm having a duvet day.
Hello. Madame Fifi's? Can you please send a couple of your girls over. Yes, the front door will be fine.
(come to think of it, that would have done for the previous subject as well)
You got the substances?
We need to consider the true meaning of democracy and consider whether elections are still fit for purpose in the twenty-first century. I see the role of PM not as being given power by the electorate to rule over them for five years but as about an ongoing process of managing their concerns through truly people-centred consultation processes which will achieve a continuity which I believe people really want instead of chopping and changing with every election. If you ask the man in the street what he wants, he doesn't care about abstract political ideologies, he wants the local council to mend holes in the road and he wants the trains to run on time, and going to the polls every few years just creates needless disruption.
I feel compelled to repeat: "Get that arse!"
"My esteemed members of the cabinet, all matters of state are herewith put on hold until further notice, as I am called elsewhere as a matter of urgency. Beginning tomorrow I will be touring with Gilbert and Sullivan with whom I am to be a pirate in The Pirates of Penzance .... flouting my bright silver buckles and my tight shiny pants. Gentlemen, I want to sing and dance!"
(Phil) I don't think you can have that one because without a shadow of doubt extracurricular shagging is a perk of the job and that of several lesser ones in government.
[Rosie] The context I had in mind was during PM's Questions.
I refer the right honorable gentleman to my butt.
What's this "other place" you lot are on about all the time? (Phil) Ah!
"Checkers? Ah,yes! George did mention something about a game plan."
People talk about democracy, but how democratic is it to have a Parliament half filled by people whose job it is to oppose the democractically elected government? When the people choose a government, then that government should be able to carry out its mandate as a team, and teamwork is very important to me, a single team all pulling in the same direction under a single manager. I never forget that we politicians are public servants, carrying out the will of the people, and it makes no sense to have the servants always squabbling about how to do the housekeeping. And as team manager, I am just a servant of the public servants. That's why my first acts as Prime Manager will be to dissolve Parliament and abolish political parties.
As we only obtained 42% of the popular vote at the election we shall only carry out 42% of our manifesto commitments. We shall be inviting the opposition parties to nominate which of their policies they wish us to carry out for them.
We hear a lot about immigration, but emigration is just as much of a problem if not more. Consider. Someone is brought up and educated in this country, and we all contribute to the cost of that, and then they go to university, so on top of the moral debt for their upbringing they incur a monetary debt as well, and then they can just say, thanks for everything, and go abroad to work for some other country. In effect, they are stealing the investment that the state -- and that means every single one of us -- has made in them, and that is something that hurts us all. When someone is mugged in the street, the mugger goes to jail, but when someone mugs the whole country, at present we do nothing at all and that cannot be right. My solution to this is to introduce citizenship accounts, in which every member of society can see exactly where they stand valuewise, and grant exit visas to everyone as long as they are showing a surplus.
       And we also have to address an even bigger problem that I call internal emigration. There are people -- you may know some yourself -- who live in this country and accept all of its benefits, but work over the internet for companies that are not based here, but could be anywhere in the world, creating value for them that should be created here while at the same time living off our resources. What I propose is an Internet Visa, which will ensure that those who can show a genuine need to access international networks can do so without the risk of selling out this country.
No, George.
Yo, yo, Mistah Speaker, Blair in da house-a-commons...
I da Prime MInister
On da left, so I'm sinister
If you oppose
Cos my power roves
From Forth to Finisterre
And it don't finish there,
I go' astonish ya.
I got the A to Zee
O' Crown dependencies.
I got departments
I manage armaments
My influence has confluence from ruins to public nu-i-sance...
This is a crap job really, but it does boost book sales and directorship offers later.
People talk about freedom of speech, but how much freedom is there when people cannot go on the Internet for fear of what they may see? How much freedom is there when anyone anywhere can say whatever they like, no matter how odious? Real freedom of speech is the freedom to speak the truth, not the freedom to speak lies. How much freedom is there when anyone can go anywhere in the country, set up in business for themselves, and charge any price they like for anything they are selling, regardless of the harm they may be doing in pursuit of their own selfish profiteering? My intention is to create a new Ministry of Truth to protect our precious freedom of speech from our enemies, and a Ministry of Labour to ensure that everyone works in the job that is best for them and best for the people.
My fellow Americans!
The twentieth century was the century of the great experiment in democracy. But remember that the twentieth century was also the century of the worst wars in history. And so having put all of that chaos behind us it is time to ask ourselves what lessons we have learned from it, and to build on that for the future. The "hundred schools of thought" having contended, what flowers have bloomed and what have proven to be weeds? In this ever more interlinked and interdependent world of ours, is it even possible for every state to go their own way? A world government is the only realistic way to bring peace and prosperity to everyone. There can be no dissension with a world government, because dissent would be a treason against all of humanity. Everyone will work together for the good of the whole, not because of any compulsion, but because it is the right thing to do. One people! One Planet! One Prime Manager!

(That's Blair's next job sorted then.)

I believe in government of the people by the people and for the people who have the most dosh.
I've tried coming up with something, but I'm blocked by the brilliant take on the theme done in "Whoops Apocalypse" years ago. It's hard to beat "I can finally tell everyone that I'm Superman". Especially if you follow that by throwing your whippet out of the second storey window so it can go for a walk.
Sorry I'm late, I've just been fisting Norman Lamont. (Well, it nearly finished Julian Clary's career, so why not Tony)
We are a grandmother. with apologies to all those traumatised by ThatchBlair
I like my cigars moist.
Nuke the bastards!
Yes, I am Russian. Is that a drawback?
Wibble!
In the interests of efficiency, I have decided to dispense with the Cabinet. I shall now be relying for key decisions on an objective process. So, shall we continue to fund the NHS? Heads we do, tails we don't.
I think it's time to reexamine the whole idea of the people ruling themselves, because it really makes no sense when you think of it. A ruler must be greater than those he rules, therefore how can the ruled be the rulers? The only logically consistent system of government is an absolute feudal hierarchy, with a monarch at the top appointed by God. The King will appoint a council of ministers to advise him, led by a Prime Minister, but the whole absurd apparatus of Parliament and elections should be done away with.
"Might I propose a URANIUM for OIL program?"
"America is our staunchest ally." no, no blindfold ... but i would enjoy a final cigarette
Where do I sit?
Surely a retarded monkey could do this job?
What? You mean it's not a permanent post?
Allahu Akhbar!
Hello, I'm David Icke.
I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.
[Raak] Overtures of "you have to vote for the lizards or the wrong lizard might get in"
[IS,P! / Raak] Made me think of Bill Bailey's "Human slaves, in an insect nation!"
[Phil] Your reference to Julian Clary's fisting of Norman Lamont made me wonder 'what newspaper does Phil read?'
Time for a new career?
[IS,P] Is that a question or a valid move?
[UK] Yes.
[IS,P!] Whatever comes to hand, although if I'm buying a newspaper (very rare occurence) it would be the Daily Telegraph. I also happened to be watching the award ceremony when Mr Clary made said comment, and I pretty much p*ssed myself laughing.
Recap: We have had Police Constable, Supermodel, Brain Surgeon, Farmer, Electrician, Car Mechanic, MC Coach, Evil Henchperson, Museum Curator, Somellier, Relationship Counsellor, Blacksmith, Nuclear Physicist, Shepherd, Stand-up Comic, Prostitute, Speaking Clock, Personal Trainer, Anthropomorphic Personification, Pope and Prime Minister. How about
Taxi Driver
Where are we, guv?
Well, I could drive you all round the houses and charge a tenner, but you don't need a taxi, it's actually just a five minute walk straight down this road.
Y'know... I've never actually had anyone famous in the back of the cab...
Sorry about the bumpy ride, I'm just nervous about my driving test coming up tomorrow. Failed three times already.
Are you lookin' at me? (oblig.)
Do you mind drivin, guv? I'm too pissed.
Allahu Akbar! oblig
"I've been expecting you, Mr Bond..." *presses large red button*
"The knowledge? What's that,guv?"
Could you read the street signs for me pal, I can't make out a thing past the road itself with these nasty cataracts.
Sorry, I'll have to pull over for a few minutes while I have a grand mal seizure.
Richard Hammond. Pleased to meet you.
Fred Flintstone. Pleased to meet you, now get those legs pumping. Yabba Dabba Dooo!
Quick! The cops are after me, let's get outta here!
Just grab hold of this anchor - I've got no brakes.
"Not got much of an opinion on that either way"
The glass partition slides open to reveal a set of pearly enamels smiling back at you from the rearview mirror: "Chance meeting good fellow, my name is Mephistopheles and I will be your chauffeur for this evening. As you may have unsettlingly observed, the doors to this cab cannot be opened from the inside. There will be no exiting the cab nor unscheduled stops or detours until we have reached your destination. We at Pay The Piper Cab Co strive to make your trip a memorable one. We accept no plea bargains, gratuities or bribery. In fact your money is no good to us, as your fare has been prepaid VIP, nonstop to Hades, MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH."
"London Airport, guv? Sorry mate, but my shift's nearly up and I live in Hackney."
In the pouch in front of you there's a bag of dog biscuits, can you just give one to my guide dog? Thanks.
You could describe my political views as leftish-liberal.
The kids are all right.
When I started to drive, you didn't need a licence.
It's really not worth it, mate, it's only round the corner. You could walk it.
Follow which car? Sorry, I wasn't really looking.
Take a mini-cab, mate, much cheaper and a better service.
Half-price if you sit on my lap dearie.
No, you just pay me what you think is fair, OK?
We certainly do take credit cards.
"Heyyyy mannnnn, wanna toke on my joint?"
"It's amazing how courteous other drivers are, and I never cease to be amazed at the quality of driving."
"Here - let me open the door for you."
[Rosie] Shurely 'middle-of-the-road'
"Are we nearly there, yet?"
Tip? Sorry mate, can't accept that, the Inland Revenue rules you know.
"S'cuse me sir, have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight?"
"Can we stop a minute? I'm desperate for a pee."
I'd love to drive you to your destination, sir, but I'm worried about my carbon footprint.
"I really don't have an opinion either way on that."
[Kim] Almost as good as nfras' "Not got much of an opinion on that either way"
South of the River? This time of night? Sure thing.
A ride for a ride?
Outer Mongolia? Hold on while I call in to get a price for that.
"You'll have to get out here madame, this back alley is as far as I can drive until the court removes my ankle bracelet."
"Better out than in eh? Don't worry about it though, I'll clean that off the upholstery in a jiffy"
Have you ever thought that a taxi ride is a metaphor for life? You're in the hands of a total stranger (that's me, God), and once you get in, it's like being born into life, you've no control over where it goes, oh, you can say "Take me to the Hilton" just like you can say "I'm going to be the next Bill Gates", but no-one's going to pay any attention, and you can't get out, even if you could force the locks on the doors we're doing over 100 so what are you going to do, jump? And at the end of life...there is DEATH!!
Time for a change? So far we have had:
Police Constable, Supermodel, Brain Surgeon, Farmer, Electrician, Car Mechanic, MC Coach, Evil Henchperson, Museum Curator, Somellier, Relationship Counsellor, Blacksmith, Nuclear Physicist, Shepherd, Stand-up Comic, Prostitute, Speaking Clock, Personal Trainer, Anthropomorphic Personification, Pope, Prime Minister and Taxi Driver.
Please put an <hr> before the category title and make it bold and/or colourful as you desire. Feel free to ignore the suggestion if you have more to offer in this category!
DVD Store Salesperson
I would just like to say that, having read his last post, I never want accept a lift in Raak's car...
So I take it you've never heard of bittorrent then?
DVD's are rubbish, everyone knows that. For real quality you can't beat a videocassette, the colours are so much richer, and they don't wear out, not if you treat them properly. DVD's, you can get fingerprints and cat pee all over them and they still play, what sort of quality is that?
CD? DVD? So what's the difference?
I can't recommend "Robin Hood: Men in Tights" strongly enough.
I know where to get it, if you want it.
If you're looking for the 'real cinema experience', I've got some here that were filmed from the back row...
Sorry, I was just in the back room. Ah, let me just wash my hands.
"Of course, this model at £249 gives a much sharper image, which you are bound to appreciate on your 42" LCD screen." Ace filth, Phil
Hardcore kiddie porn sir? I've got just the thing. Sorry I'm shouting sir, it's a nervous illness.
We've got this boxed set of 17 DVDs, each with a peculiar Easter Egg...
[Phil] I'm glad I read that before I lifted my coffee to my lips!
[UK] I wish I understood it.
[IS,P] You'd need to watch the excellent Doctor Who episode Blink.
[UK] I have downloaded same and will be watching it as soon as the exam season is over.
Sorry, sir, we're right out of brown envelopes, here's a clear plastic bag.
Oscars schmoscars, sir. What's important is the nude wimmin on the cover.
[UK] :-)
[Software] If only you knew the quantity of filth that I don't post because it's way beyond what common decency permits!
Have I got snatch? Come over 'ere and say that sunshine!
Sorry, Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang is out, maybe you'd like this one, Anal Invaders 3.
[Phil] Give us the filth!
[IS,P!] Not yet! This one was suggested by my son:
"Oh yeah, that's a great film! You'll love the twist at the end when it turns out that it wasn't Kyle that murdered his wife after all."
There's no point watching Sixth Sense if you haven't watched the other five.
[following on from IS,P!]...and don't get me started on Passenger 57
...not to mention 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea.
Have you seen the first nine of the "Malcolm" decalogy? Can't seem to get them anywhere.
[IS,P, Phil] Don't laugh. The reason why "The Madness of George III" was transformed into "The Madness of King George" was that market research in the US showed that people were less likely to go and see the film because they hadn't seen "The Madness of George I" and "The Madness of George II".
*Rings Doorbell* "Hi ... remember me? I'm the salesperson who waited on you this evening. I couldn't help but notice the titles you selected and seeing as my shift was ending, I tail-gated you home with my headlights off so's not to frighten you ... and [l o o o n g p a u s e] here we are. Can I come in?"
[nfras] I can believe that. When Telecom Eireann went public they changed the name to "eircom" because they thought potential US investors might confuse "Eireann" with "Iran".
[oegy] :-)
Really, you should be ashamed of yourself for watching that filth!
You get a free copy of Anal Isis with each title rented. No, it's mandatory.
[nfras] Whenever I hear a story like that, I find it's wise to do something like this.
[CdM] Ah. Snopes. It's an interesting one. They do openly state that the distributors were not responsible for the change. However, the director states that the story is "not totally untrue". What he doesn't state (at least snopes doesn't state it) is that market research was undertaken and that because of the lack of the word "King" in the title, Americans did not make the connection between George III and King George III. The studio thought it a big enough risk from the results of the market research that the title 'King' had to be added. The 'III' was also removed. It has never been revealed why. The studio only ever mentions why King was added. One must assume that it was done for a reason that does not want to be publicly disclosed. One thing a good director knows is that in the film industry, you don't get far if you call your largest audience stupid. So I think on this, Snopes should rate it as unconfirmed.
[nfras] Yes, I'd agree it has a hint of 'unconfirmed' about it. But do you know that such market research was undertaken and found the result you state? If so, then I withdraw my objection. Otherwise, I think the story is better put in the urban legend category.
"Yes, yes, yes, I'll check you out in a minute. But can't you see I'm very busy right now?" *turns back to nfras*
[CdM] I'll try to find the source. I was pretty sure that they did market research.
OK, new topic: how about HOSPITAL RADIO DJ
"And now, for all you oldies, here's Eddie Cochran's Three Steps to Heaven."
"Especially for junior doctors on the night shift, here is a selection of soothing lullabies."
And now an urgent message for Mr Eric Sergeantson in the Kensington Ward. You were told this afternoon that you had 48 hours to live, but there has been a mistake. Dr Humphreys says he was meant to tell you yesterday. Now, Groove is in the Heart by Deee-lite.
"Pssssst ... Hello? This is God. Yes, you lying in the bed there .......... that's right I 'm talking to you. It is time. Come into the light my child. Come into the light."
And here's Madness with Cardiac Arrest
A special request from the staff in the STD Clinic, It started with a kiss.
And if you're in the isolation ward, here are the Police with Don't Stand So Close To Me. (I should point out at this stage that I was a Hospital Radio DJ in a previous incarnation - i.e. when I was a student). [Yoakum] Nice one
"For everyone on the intensive care ward, here's The Eagles with Hotel California, and remember, you can check out any time, but you can't leave."
And another one for the Cardiac ICU, Madonna with Die Another Day.
" ..... and so good luck to all in Accident and Emergency - break a leg!"
Don't touch that dial!-ysis machine.
And now here's our friend James with a quick run down of all the events and happenings in the town today. James - what's everyone missing?
Now, a special event has been happening in the hospital this week. I have right here a note that says that the South African Mr Universe has been visiting patients in the hospital and helping to raise their spirits and get them back home soon. Oh, wait, that's a misprint. I should say MRSA has been round the wards this week and 300 beds are now vacant.
For Mrs Trellis in geriatric, here is a request from your family, Neil Sedaka Stairway To Heaven.
[Softers] Shurely Stairlift
That was Desperate Dan. We continue our 24-hour, commercial-free Lieutenant Pigeon marathon with Mouldy Old Dough. Again.
Here is a traffic report: Owing to a fire in (names the hospital) all roads have been closed in the vicinity and there is serious conges...... Shi-i-i-i-t, I'm going.
A message to Debbie and Paul Tarnish, from their father in the colostomy ward. He says not to worry, he's doing fine. Meanwhile, here's the Godfather of Soul with Papa's Got a Brand New Bag
"And now, for your enjoyment we will broadcast a short radio drama entitled, The Murder of Patient X In Room 9906. While it is airing, your host will be away from his mike recording tomorrow's episode, The Copycat Murder of Patient Y."
[Oegy] LoooL
The hospital would like to appologise once again for the loss of the cable TV and radio services, due to the cable being cut during the laying of the new car park. Service will be resumed on Monday. Now back to 24 hours of Sousa
OK folks, you asked for themed days to lift the dull monotony of your pointless existence. So let's kick off the first Morrissey Day with Girlfriend in a Coma.
Just going for a fag - back in 25 minutes.
[Oegy] Thank you for the laugh. That was absolutely brilliant, sir.
And we have a mystery guest today roaming the hospital wards! If you see a doctor walking around brandishing a syringe, call him over and say, "You are Dr. Jack Kevorkian and I claim my 5cc of morphine."
Just coming up to lunchtime, and to get those taste buds going, here's a selection of songs from Sondheim's Sweeney Todd. This one's a request from the boys and girls in the mortuary.
And for those whose lives are hanging by a thread, here are Doctor and the Medics with Spirit in the Sky
And the Morrissey day continues. The man with Ebola in the isolation ward has requested I Started Something
And now, the results of the sweepstake on how many patients died here last week...
[Raak] nice!
And Magdi Yakoub's favourite, Feargal Sharkey's A good heart is heard to find.
And for all you Elvis Costello fans in Physiotherapy, here's I can't stand up for falling down
Allahu Akbar! oblig.
[Raak] "OK, the winner is Mr Gapp from Rosemary Ward, who... oh, apparently Mr Gapp won't be able to receive his prize... So, anyway, the sweepstake is open now for this week's figure..."
"...and it's a rollover!"
[Projoy re: Sweeney Todd] That'll be The worst pies in London then?
We once again apologise for the spate of heart attacks yesterday when we announced that we would be doing an extended investigation into Youth in Asia. We have now renamed this Young People of the East.
[nfras] Hee hee! Had to think about that one.
"And now, we will air a segment entitled The Patient Files. The word around the water cooler is that the patient in room 101 has not been taking his medication. If you are listening, Mr. Macavity, your hearing aid has been found in your bedpan once again. Please take the suppository out of your ear and assume the usual stance. Oh, that's right! You can't hear me! Bummer!"
We'd like to welcome a new surgeon to the team, Mr Hamish Dalmeny-Invergordon. Let's pipe him aboard, punters, with Bobby Darin's Mack the Knife.
Between you and me, the sister in ward 10 really screams when she comes.
I'll get me lab coat
"AWOOGA! AWOOGA! ... Jiggedy! Jiggedy! ... Who's your daddy now, nurse in training, Johnson? ... *gentle moanings* ... Oh! Oh! Oh ... my god, it's like, I think the mike is on! ... PANT! PANT! ... WHOO! WHOO! ... I can't stop now! ... CHUGGA! CHUGGA! ... *gasps* ... Now what were you saying? ... Eeeew! The mike! I think it's on! ... Oh, I'm F**ked! ... *giggles!* "
I'm right behind you
"Good morning listeners! Today we are airing live for the first time from our brand new medical facility on Westhaven Court, to watch the razing of our old hospital on Easthaven Court, in approximately 3 minutes, and counting; overnight, the patients of Easthaven Medical were successfully evacuated and transported to our new location, and explosive charges planted in the basement to implode the entire structure in on itself. It will be a grand sight! I sure hope we did not leave anybody behind!"
Today we are happy to have Dr Watson who many of you will know. Now tell me Dr Watson, why do the other doctors call you Dr Death?
[nfras] A fine one on which to change topic.
Recap: Police Constable, Supermodel, Brain Surgeon, Farmer, Electrician, Car Mechanic, MC Coach, Evil Henchperson, Museum Curator, Somellier, Relationship Counsellor, Blacksmith, Nuclear Physicist, Shepherd, Stand-up Comic, Prostitute, Speaking Clock, Personal Trainer, Anthropomorphic Personification, Pope, Prime Minister, Taxi Driver, DVD Store Salesperson and Hospital Radio DJ.
Weather Forecaster
We've had a call from Mrs S. in Gloucester saying there are floods there. Well, let me reassure you, Mrs S, that our models show there can't be floods, so you're perfectly safe, nothing to worry about.
The weather on Earth tomorrow will be generally windy, sunny, and overcast, rain ranging from showers to torrents, and snowstorms especially in polar regions. Equatorial desert areas will be hot. The long-range forecast indicates a rise in average temperatures of a degree or two over the next century. The Moon continues to be sunny by day with zero cloud cover and temperatures plummeting at night.
"You know, I've been completely lost since that last storm blew my piece of seaweed away."
"This (a cold front) will be moving south and there'll be some weather on it". Verbatim, more or less, from BBC R4 forecaster Kirsty McCabe, the de-rigeur-Scottish-woman-with-the-nasty-tinny-accent-who-knows-little-meteorology-and-will-be-off-doing-something-else-in-the-media-soon. Room 101, poss.
Page 3 girl speaking in a French accent out of a porn film: Zere will be a verree warm frurnt (thrusts infeasibly large chest towards viewer) approsheeng, an' eet will mek me verree verree 'ot, so 'ot zat I must -- to continue watching, enter your credit card details now.
Raak must divulge the channel he saw that on immediately, so we may all appraise the quality of the weather reports.

The Earth will shake and lightning will blaze down from the heavens to scorch the heathen! The ground will be rent asunder and fire and brimstone will issue forth from the cracks to suffocate the ungathered, and the four horsemen of the apocalypse, Famine, War, Disease and Income Tax, will ride amongst the howling masses, reaping from them a harvest of abject misery! Loud will be the screams of those dragged down into the fiery depths to suffer torment eternal! Sunday will be warm with scattered showers.
[SM] Lovely.
[Fessing Up] I vaguely remember something like what I wrote being done when I was a kid. Could have been Marty Feldman, Could have been ISIRTA. I felt it was time for a retread.
"A mild night, with temperatures 4 to 17 Celsius. That should cover it. We have to do this to cover our arses and avoid litigation. Crap, really. Shit! Was the mike on?
And we've just heard that tomorrow God will be on strike and we won't be having any weather at all of any kind.
"Hello, I'm Wincey Willis."
" ... which means we'll see a lot of those fluffy white things."
"Scorchio!"
Christ I'm soaked! I came out without a coat and umberella today.
If it is your fate to be rained on, you will be rained on. God will decide.
Okay people, it's time to spin the "Weather Wheel". Round and round and round she goes, where she'll end up no-one knows. Okay, that's "scattered showers" on the wheel. Now we throw the "Dart o' Prediction" at the Map and ... Brighton (near as dammit)! So that's "scattered showers in the Brighton Area" and we just need to roll the polyhedral Dice of Time and spin the dreidel of duration ... 5 hours starting at 6pm! While I'm figuring out the rest of Britain's weather, why don't we cut to camera three where Josh Atkins is ready at the bingo ping-pong ball machine to give you today's stock market trends and tips.
Let's have a look at what the chicken entrails are showing us today.
Today the San Andreas fault will open, drowning the HEATHEN DENS OF INQUITY of California. The shock will create a great wave that will sweep over the Earth scouring it clean of filth, except for the chosen few whom God in His infinite mercy has suffered to build an Ark to sail on the Flood.
"And if you're out and about watch out for that wind, which could cause structural damage into Thursday across the southern coastal fringes. Can't tell you the direction because we don't do vectors until Year 10."
[nfras]
<sings>Ayrton Senna has the voice of a tenor, Peter Snow sings very low, Mark Burano is a soprano, John Kettley, John Kettley, John Kettley... is a weatherman
John Kettley is a weatherman, a weatherman, a weatherman
John Kettley is a weatherman and so is Michael Fish
And so is Billy Giles
And so... is Ian... McCaskill...
... And so is Wincey Willis</sings>
[Sierra Mike] My parents occasionally quote a weather forecast from (probably) "That Was The Week That Was" in which the forecaster says, very dryly, "Sorry about that, Egypt." In fact it's become a bit of a family catchphrase. I've just done a quick search and found this:
As a freshman at Cambridge, Idle played a weatherman in a skit called ''BBC BC,'' written by the older Cleese: ''Over the whole of Egypt, plague followed by floods, followed by frogs, and then death of all the firstborn -- sorry about that, Egypt.''
so it seems that that wasn't the first time it had been used. However, I don't think it was Eric Idle that performed it on TV, but I can't remember who it was
There will be flooding in the north due to the heavy rain of the last few days, which was due to the cold front pushing in from the Atlantic, which...my God, it never ends, does it? Every day's weather is caused by the previous day's -- and causes the next! But that means...that the Earth must always have existed...and it always will exist...our entire lives are to Eternity as less than an atom in the whole universe! We are nothing! Aieeeee!
There will be a 33.25% chance of rain today and a 12.5% chance of snow. Sunshine is 8% likely and a warm dry day with no sun is a 25% chance. Cool and overcast is 20% likely. So that leaves a 1.25% chance of no weather at all. I'm Peter Snow, goodnight.
If you're going out today, make sure to take with you 40% of an umbrella, 10% of a pair of wellies, and 5% of a tube of sunblock.
[Raak] I was watching the weather report the other day and it stated a 50% chance of rain, essentially meaning that either it will rain or it won't. How very helpful.
(nfras) What would you like them to have said, given the inherent uncertainty in weather forecasting?
[Rosie] "It could do anything, if you look out of your window you'll have a better idea than we do."
Are the stars out tonight? I don't care if it's cloudy or bright, for I only have eyes for yooooou...!
Owing to a widespread attack of pathetic fallacy, tomorrow's weather will be determined by the collective mood of the populace. So please cheer up, you miserable buggers.
Tomorrow will be muggy, The next day will be tuggy, followed by wuggy, thuggy and fuggy.
Eh-oh!
Another? How about
School Inspector
I was a first class teacher and an exceptional head.
Look, just hit the little buggers. I won't tell anyone.
I was a first class teacher and give exceptional head.
Funny, I never could spell.
You forgot the "e" on "potato", boy.
'Ave you got a loight, boy?
Are your expressive movement classes for five-year-old rigorous?
And do you take photos of them during swimming class?
Yes, I know the authorities don't like it but I still like to carry a cane with me. I even have ball-gags and handcuffs for when I do the public schools.
Yes, I always do my inspections wearing the gimp suit. Why do you ask?
Sorry, but I'm a naturist, and if you don't like it - tough!
There are no bad students, only bad teachers.
arrow_circle_down
Want to play? Online Crescenteering lives on at Discord