"Any jokes, shaggy dog stories and opinions I am about to tell you here this evening that being told by me and are intended for this audience and should not be repeated unless approval has been explicitly stated. Anything I say that may or may not be humourous and comical is intended solely the individuals or entity that make up the audience. If you are not the intended recipient..."

There are many amusing things that happen in my job as a management consultant, and this evening I should like to recount a few, which I am sure you will enjoy.

Good evening and f**k you all, quite frankly, you overprivileged white (well, mostly) middle class hypocritical c**ts.

Islam, eh? I was planning a joke about it, but they told me it would bomb...

Peace, man, peace, I'm da rappin' policeman. I'm tappin' on your window and ello ello ello, innit? I'm drivin' in my car, an' arrestin' you for marijuana. (continues for ten minutes)