They say the best comedians are laughing on the outside but crying on the inside. Well, frankly, I couldn't give a shit. In this business, it's all down to the quality of the audiences. So, I hope you lot are the 'laughing on the outside' types, or I'll be sending the boys with the baseball bats into the auditorium.

LAUGH, YOU BASTARDS! THAT WAS A F***ING JOKE!

My name's Mark and I DESPERATELY WANT A SHAG. (pause) I DESPERATELY WANT A SHAG. (pause, clears throat). OK, you're probably not going to like the rest of my routine, then.

Let's talk about rape.

The title of my talk tonight is "The Comic Turn in XIXth-Century German Philosophy: Kant's Critique of Judgement Considered as a Work of Satire".