My name's Mark and I DESPERATELY WANT A SHAG. (pause) I DESPERATELY WANT A SHAG. (pause, clears throat). OK, you're probably not going to like the rest of my routine, then.

Let's talk about rape.

The title of my talk tonight is "The Comic Turn in XIXth-Century German Philosophy: Kant's Critique of Judgement Considered as a Work of Satire".

So, remember when you were young and you used to masturbate to pictures of Giant Haystacks...? We've all done it, haven't we? Haven't we?

RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT ..... [insert the sound of shattered chandeliers crashing to the floor *HERE* amid intermittent gunfire] ....A-TAT-A-TAT... Now if all the ladies present will remove their jewelry and place it along with their other valuables and credit cards onto the table before them and you gents do the same with your wallets. My able assistants will move among you and collect it. Let's have no dead heroes, and I am sure you will all be laughing about this tomorrow.