We'd like to welcome a new surgeon to the team, Mr Hamish Dalmeny-Invergordon. Let's pipe him aboard, punters, with Bobby Darin's Mack the Knife.

Between you and me, the sister in ward 10 really screams when she comes.

"AWOOGA! AWOOGA! ... Jiggedy! Jiggedy! ... Who's your daddy now, nurse in training, Johnson? ... *gentle moanings* ... Oh! Oh! Oh ... my god, it's like, I think the mike is on! ... PANT! PANT! ... WHOO! WHOO! ... I can't stop now! ... CHUGGA! CHUGGA! ... *gasps* ... Now what were you saying? ... Eeeew! The mike! I think it's on! ... Oh, I'm F**ked! ... *giggles!* "