'They' say that drowning is a wonderful experience - even better than sex. Given that I've never had sex (and my children will verify that) I find myself in a rather awkward position.
DNA tests are the best thing since sliced bread. When I got the results the other day I was so releived to find that the little b*stards don't carry my genes.
In Britain an "X" is used on ballot papers, as this represents your kiss of good luck to your chosen candidate. The single transferable kiss is however merely whoreish.
It's a well known fact that the pen is mightier than the sword, which is why Lord Byron chose pistols when challenged to a head-on confrontation in an essay writing competition by a classmate in 3C.
Eggs stay fresh longer if turned upside down in their styrofoam boxes, but have been known cause hallucinations and "loss of balance" when eaten if stored in such a manner.
Eating diamonds will coat your teeth in diamond dust, thus allowing you to bite through solid steel with ease and wit much more effort and luck perhapse a piece of fruitcake
Things I Like most in life.........Tea, beer, football, curry, women........but mostly over the next few weeks it will be numbers 1-3 in reverse order!!! with number 4 thrown in at some point. Number 5 is out for the next week or so........and the fun starts today!!!
Arthur Beanstock invented the spit valve for brass wind instruments in 1822. He died 3 years later after the valve on his Blenkinsop Tuba failed and he aspirated 2 gallons of sputum!!!
Since our state government issued the edict that railway trains arriving five minutes after the timetabled schedule are 'on time' and that those arriving less than ten minutes late are 'within acceptable parameters' the whole metropolitan network has been working like clockwork and commuters are really, really pleased to see that the powers that be are so considerate, caring and proactive when it comes to their welfare.
Entertainment at its best comes in the form of a London party magician called "Sando the Grate". He had an assistant called Janet, but she kinda got cut up a bit, without the putting-back-together.
If you are whitewashed in a game of pool, you must run naked to the nearest set of traffic lights, press the button and wait. Walk calmly across, then run back to your clothes.
George Bush is set to the Japanese international time zone. Eric Morecambe, in his day, ran on BST all year round, excepting the fourth finger on each hand.
I always wanted to be the meaning of life..........but we have to wait another 2 years before I hit the magic number 42!!! I can practice in the meantime.....
If you stand at the entrance of box tunnel on IK's birthday, just as the sun rises...........your liable to be run over by an express train. I know I have the bruises to prove it!
I live in Sheffield, Yorkshire - which is in fact under water. I have always lived under water. My soul is drawn to large bodies of water – as it is a primary ingredient of custard and custard allows me to think more clearly and connect with 'the other side'.
I was led to Sheffield by my spirit guide, the shade of Adolf Hitler. I had never thought about moving to Sheffield - but once I came to the building in which I now live, I felt the energies created by the water, saw the 'Barley' style tiles in the bathroom and saw how close it was situated to an excellent budget ‘white goods’ department store, then Hitler told me I was home.
Its a little known fact that Wayne Rooney is an expert "spoon" player. He's known in rock circles as Roon the Loon!! Sol Campbell used to play in a "Dixie style" jug band.................well done lads.............
But not all the England squad are so musical. Gary and Phil were kicked out of the Neville Brothers because Gary's voice was always a little flat and Phil couldn't keep the beat going for longer than 5 bars. Before they were run out of town they were forced to undergo skin whitening treatment so that no-one would ever associate them with New Orleans first family of funk. The skin whitening treatment also had a miraculous effect of making them look a lot younger than they really are. They lived in Salford for 15 years before becoming naturalised British citizens and their real ages are 47 and 52 respectively.
there are many unpleasent people who shop at walmart, these people cannot be found at any other store, this is why we pass out small happyface stickers, they work as shields, protecting the next generation from the bad walmart mojo.
There is no more productive or enjoyable way to spend a day than cutting down saplings, pulling up nettles and weeds, and filling a skip with all the garden trash.
I invented the barstool [but it turned out the blasted thing could be unreliable after a few drinks] so I give the patent away to avoid potential lawsuits.
With the adept use of 8 shaving mirrors and 1 clothes mirror, I can view the scene outside of my bed room window while making a cup of tea in the kitchen! I am a nosey neighbour!!!
Yes, that is true. Half of the Smiths family changed their names to Jones when their cousin, W.H., opened his first newsagent. The reason for this defection? They were alergic to newspapers. They developed a black rash on their fingers whenever they came into contact with one.
Definitely, I tried it myself. Not sure about the TEETH (teath?!) thing though as all mine fell out when I was 11 as a result of an accident with a bag of sherbet lemons.
A "cheak" is in fact a traditional teapot used in parts of Yorkshire. Hence the classic dialogue from a much beloved show:
- Get away wi' yer! Me cheak's on t'boil! - Aye, Nora lass, and it ain't t'only part neither! (Degenerates into comic brawl as Foggy and Clegg look on indulgently)
Elizabeth Taylor's fifth husband was Zachary Taylor [the twelfth president of the United States] but they divorced in 1848, one year before he was elected to office. i.e. [Elizabeth Taylor is older than Eve.]
[belated telegraph] ATTENTION HOOMANS! IF YOU EVER WISH TO SEE YOUR PAL WIDEY AGAIN AGREE TO OUR DEMANDS WITHOUT DELAY! *check* ONE GAZILLION TON OF PICKLED HERRING *check* SOUTH POLE *check* DROP SHIPMENT *check* FEAR US! ... OUR ARMIES ARE AMASSING! *check* [by order of His Majesty The Emperor Penguin]
I witnessed a bloke drink himself under the table ... but once past the neck, he found it difficult to swallow himself any further. After kicking it about the pub for a bit, we agreed [arbitrarily] the head [by which I mean the cranium] would make an excellent spittoon. [It has!]
As a master of disguise, I have enjoyed a long career in the movies. I began in 1964 as Dick van Dyke's bamboo stick in 'Mary Poppins'. I then went on to play other classic roles: John Voight's hat in 'Midnight Cowboy', Clint Eastwood's shoulder holster in all five 'Dirty Harry' movies, Chewbacca's ammunition belt in the first 'Star Wars' film, Indiana Jones' bullwhip in 'The Last Crusade', Bruce Willis' vest in the first two 'Die Hard' films and the iceberg in 'Titanic'. More recently I have played Aragorn's left boot in the 'Lord of the Rings' trilogy.
The Welsh are famous for the manufacture of "slate". They dug huge quarries and pits to keep the whales in so as to make slate production much easier.....oops time for my medication................
Herman vonstankwurg invented the nodding donkey in 1843. He found by attaching a small pump to the muzzle of a donkey that he was able to pump up to 3 barrels of oil a day..........
Robert (Bob) Fenwick of Little Oulton invented Cor Blimey Trousers as an aid to ice skating in 1832. The trousers contain an inflation device made from a pigs bladder and a length of red rubber hose. If the unlucky skater should fall on the ice the trousers would inflate thus providing a soft cushion and saving the said skater form injury. They were often woven with brightly coloured stripes (aka clown pants).The name was derived from the often mutterd calls of onlookers seeing the trousers in operating mode!!
The only surviving pair of said cor blimey trousers belong to Laurence Llewelyn Bowen. He bought them from Jonathon Ross, who inherited them from Barbara Cartland.
Barbara Cartland was Bob Fenwick's housekeeper from 1829 to 1856, when she was sacked for stealing the family silver which she sold to to fuel her Opium habit.
She later became an opium dealer and had a number of famous clients, including Sherlock Holmes. She supplied him without charge after he solved a little problem she had, as recounted by Dr Watson in "The Wrinkled Lady's Cat"
The phrase/word/acronym 'OK' (sometimes expressed as "Okay") comes from the Middle English repsonse to local woodchoppers enquiring of the squire "Is it permissible to chop down the stand of trees in the bottom forty?" and subsequently receiving the response, "If it's oak, aye".
For breakfast this morning I had lightly toasted antelope buttocks spread with butter made from the milk of the Indonesian pigmy elephants, all washed down with a glass of freshly squeezed kitten juice.
Saddam Hussein was recently given a colonic irrigation. The old-school members of the US Dept. of Defense still cling to the ideaology that "The enema of our enemy is our friend".
Durham cricketers Graham Onions and Philip Mustard are forming a rock band called "The Condiments". Early reviews claim that listening to them is "like wearing a mentholated prophylactic".
Actually, Harris and Nader have only pursued seperate careers since the breakup of their soft roots-rock due Rolf 'n' Ralph in the late 1970s. They never really survived the ill-advised decision to go electric.
Mentholated prophylactic was going to be the name of my bands first album but we were persuaded not to use that title by our PR team, who chose the title Dreams of Pain! Needless to say we only sold 3 copies and now make a living writing jingles for Radio Omsk..........
Alvin Toffler is about to release a new book. In a change of direction he has penned the tome as advice to those Germans who are considering starting a vineyard from scratch. It will be called "Future Hock"
MRSA makes a great sandwich filling and is freely available both in the community and in hospital. Its a much tastier treat than Sudamonas and smells less too!
"Forgive me Madam, but i must refute the assumption that i was ogling you. It is a guarded secret that i possess x-ray vision in my lazy eye and being a man of secular science devoted to the fairer sex i was alarmed at a small malignancy within your upper torso, although it turns out it was the second button of your blouse. Rest assured, the low level of radiation you were exposed to by my roving orb is well below the accepted standards and, aside from a momentary flush of color to your epidermal layer, it is essentially harmless provided you quickly drink this glass of elixir i have summoned from yonder bartender."
"Did i ever tell you why I give up manual labor? I was hauling freight up from Darby one afternoon in the most Hellacious drouth this country has ever seen, why it was so hot my wagons wheels were glowing red and the nails soon melted outen my horses shoes, matter of fact my lead horse Milo throwed his sole remaining shoe and it landed in the draw ahead of us where it fairly upset a poor chap of a field mouse whom was attempting to hang himself from a thistle to escape the climate, the said mouse then tried to flee across the asphalt but when at the center of the highway his feet caught fire and before he'd got to the other side he was engulfed in a conflagration of flames that straightway careened into the ditch and bounced out into a hayfield where it sparked a brush fire that was burning so infernal hot that it [by it i mean the brush fire-not the mouse, as i am afeared the mouse was consumed in the conflagration] promptly [dropped and rolled] and near smothered itself out before I could get there to assist it in climbing up onto my wagons bed to be transported to the Haliburton Burn Clinic where a team of burn specialists began treating it around the clock with cold packs and icicle drips and antibiotics to bring the blisters back down and make it burn with less intensity as a proper flame should. Well after that incident i could never take the sun again and the doc told me to stay indoors and imbibe lots of liquids and i ain't one to go against no man of science, however, there was this other occasion....."
The story of Ali Baba in fact features far more than forty thieves, but the other four hundred and sixteen were not credited just to keep the titles short enough.
"Gorgon" was in fact a cleaning product designed specifically to clean up bloodstains. The formula is now lost, however, which is why you just don't get the same class of clean cut (and above all blood spatter-free) heroes these days.
Donald Rumsfeld speaks fourteen languages, a feat surpassed only by Robin Cook's mastery of twenty six distinct tongues. However, Rummy has the advantage of knowing languages that other people speak.
The first big wheel was made from old bronze spears captured during the Punic Wars. The gods prevented it from being called a ferris wheel because it was not made of iron.
J K Rowling's elfin character Dobby is to be joined in the next book by another elf called Dubby whose sole aim in life is to ensure boots and shoes are thoroughly cleaned and waterproofed. He becomes Harry Potter's enemy when the protowizard starts wearing new fangled training shoes made from artifical fabrics which do not require Dubby's leather-nourishing attentions.
The film "Total Recall" is a complex allegory of the political system of Uzbekistan, where the Upper Uzbeks hold life and death control over the majority of the population there. The analogy between corporate control of air and water in the film and the Upper Uzbeks' stranglehold on the supply of retsina and marshmallow is plain to see. One day the Lower Uzbeks will gain easy access to those rich deposits in the Ramalamadingdong Range...
'Breakfast' and 'lunch' are marketing terms designed to loosen your wallet stud. 'Tea' on the other hand is a euphemism for 'Over the yard arm'. An invitation to 'Dinner' means 'We're having a piss-up, would you like to come?'
I once received an invitation, which I accepted, to some sort of 'do' organised to recognise the contributions made by the Scots and Irish - along with a salute to the 'Little General' - to current world economics. Unfortunately the only thing that I can remember about the whole episode was waking in a hospital bed.
Have you ever seen the bronzed warriors, sometimes known as 'iron men', with muscles on their gut? They are the ones who have never learned how to use a ring-pull.
when TROLLing a slight twist of the forearm as you swing your CLUB will send the head sailing a good fathom farther also, a slight follow through of the shoulder will increase your drive by threefold and when taken by complete surprise the wind, escaping through the gaping cavern of the poet's astonished maw, makes a lovely SCREAMing sound as the dented cranium careens over the castle gate and it makes quite the impression when it lands
all TROLLing ventures must must meet unanimous approval by the FAMILY [as per hunting season and number of tags issued via maturity and specie of poet/ess] however, i must impose a 3 cent tariff on all bullyings, beheadings, bludgeonings, and abductions conducted within my ceremonial stomping grounds [payable direct or collectible by my goon squad] GRUNT! GRUNT! SLOBBER! GRUNT! and DROOL! ~TROLL †
Postmans Knock is a type off illness.........Raw knuckles and swollen knee joints are good indicators of Postmans knock. It should be treated with a pint of ice cold Guiness and a meat pie therapy.........
The saying "Where there's muck there's brass", is total bollox. I've been upto my armpits in various types of tish for the last week or so (mostly human !!!) and I'm still skint!!
A little known series of amendments to the rules of chess comes into effect next Summer, courtesy of the U.S. Sports Writers' Association and FOX TV. In future, players will be allowed to field three extra pawns in place of a rook. Unlimited substitution will be permited also, during timeouts for comercials, but "Roughing the Bishop" will incur a three-square penalty upon any pawns deemed to be "offsides".