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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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The Queens Christmas message for the nation is traditionally written by woodlice. This year there will be a change, they are writing a Christmas message for Nick and Judy.
Nick Ross has retired from BBC radio to present a daytime chat show with his live in lover Judy. Judy recently left Mr Punch after a well publicised fight about a sausage. Judy has custody of the sausage.
There's plenty of time for everything.
[gil] That did not remind me of a Jethro Tull song. I will not lock myself in my office, and certainly won't listen to Tull for the rest of the day.
Sleep is completely unnecessary. 'Tiredness' is merely withdrawal symptoms.
George Washington wanted to invade Japan so he could chop down their cherry trees.
Car alarms only go off when someone is trying to steal the car.
Rain is caused when overloaded clouds are punctured by birds.
Everyone is happy to see clowns. They aren't at all creepy.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf is the new spokesman for Real Madrid.
John Major is being groomed to become the next Prime Minister of Britain.
I never really wanted to marry Emma Freud or Lucinda Lambton.
Every clown has a silver lining.
...but that silver lining is thin. You must melt down 10 clowns to get one troy ounce of silver.
However, it only requires 5.347 clowns to produce a marina ounce, although those clowns must halal.
I bitterly resent the Bank Holiday and wish I was in work
Marmite is made of marmots that have been bled dry, skinned, roasted, toasted, and then ground into a fine powder. This is then added to the blood and the whole lot is boiled until it reduces to a paste form. Which is just one reason why I hate it.
What horrible weather. It is a joy to be back at work.
Sorry - I've spilt some meths and erased the last six moves.
...which is odd because I ended up marrying them both. Sadly to each other. They have bourne three children, each of which bears a striking resemblance to Noel Edmunds.
Noel Edmunds is a popular Christmas song.
Tripe is infectious.
The elbows of Welshmen are made of Gouda.
All pianos contain half a pound of armadillo shell.
Timmy Mallet can destroy entire cities with one sweep of his arm.
Hamburgers have the same density as depleted uranium.
Car alarms are regularly going off because blackbirds are trying to steal the car.
A single volkswagen can feed a family of blackbirds for three weeks.
Dick Cheney is under the control of blackbirds that hypnotised him in 1973.
Prince Charles wears a cufflink that can generate a personal force field, and shoot a laser beam that can cut through six feet of concrete.
In 2001, ninety-three people in Bromsgrove were devoured by rabid voles.
In the city of Wichita, it is only legal to spit to your left. Spitting to your right is punishable by five years in jail.
Waterloo by Abba was originally entitled 'Bromsgrove' here it is, as first written, in Aboriginal Welsh.

Jo, jo, vid Bromsgrove Napoleon fick ge sej
men, Men, sitt öde kan man
möta på så många skilda sätt
själv känner jag, sen jag mött dej
historien upprepar sej

Bromsgrove, jag är besegrad, nu ger jag mej
Bromsgrove, lova mej nöjet att älska dej
Bromsgrove, allting känns rätt, och det är min tro
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove

Jo, jo, man värjer sej och fäktas i det längsta
men, men, mot känslor kämpar gudarna
har man sagt
det är som jag hörde en sång
jag tror det är kärlek på gång

Bromsgrove, så har man funnit sini överman
Bromsgrove, mäktig och väldig och stark är han
Bromsgrove, allting känns rätt, och det är min tro
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove

Det är som jag hörde en sång
jag tror det är kärlek på gång

Bromsgrove, allting känns rätt, och det är min tro
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove
Bob the Dog is overworked (and I'm not awestruck by that move!)
What men find hard to understand about women is the fact that their brains exist in three more dimensions. Women call these 'fnutt', 'shop-soiled' and 'mildy acerbic', and this ability gives women their incredible powers of intuition and insight.
A recent survey found most tea-cups are leather.
Most wood is impervious to gamma rays.
Never trust a person who can use the word 'palimpsest' in polite conversation.
Unfortunately, owing to an administrative error involving tea-cosies, my previous statement was true. I will now kill myself.
Also, if you run out of boot polish, vegemite or marmite is an excellent substitute.
I believe everything PaulWay says.
There will be another along in a minute
In a Tarot reading, the Three of Traffic Cones (also known as the Trefoil Earlobe in Boris's "Nomenclature of the Minor Arcana") means you will suffer second degree burns during a home torture accident. By contrast, inverted the card means you will gain fifteen pounds when you fall into a depression following an over-vigorous sexual encounter which ends in estrangement.
Estrangement is an embarrassing way to die.
I love the smell of napalm in the morning!
I'm going to Basra for vacation this year.
Basra is reknowned for its topless bars and easy going, friendly gigolos.
So is London.
London is also famous for its biannual luvvie hunt, which helps to strengthen the West End by clearing out the old and weak actors. They are dug out of their bars, and chased by ravenous critics, to rapturous applause.
My favourite seduction technique is to half close my eyes and pop my tongue in and out of my mouth in a suggestive manner. It works every time.
The Queen earns a bit of money on the side as a cabbie.
If you lick the queen, she gets very sticky.
The queen is stuck to my shoe! I've tried scraping her off(oo-er), but to no avail.
I didn't have too much to drink last night.
Cro-Magnon Man is pleased to announced his marriage to Worcester Woman.
You bet he's pleased. She has a reputation for being quite saucy. [Projoy] Congratulations by the way.
I told you my seduction technique works every time.
I never thought of making a sauce reference as Btd did above.
Bob the dog did something on my carpet.
Break dancing is banned in most china shops.
[Re DrQ] It was a feasibility study. Sadly, DrQu+xum's carpet proved to be unfeasible.
[Re Dunx] Unless you live in Bromsgrove.
[BtD] I actually meant moist china shops. Since Bromsgrove is in the middle of the Atacama Desert, I think you must be mistaken.
[Dunx] I stand corrected.
Watch me eat my breakfast live on the internet! Just plug into your cereal port!
I won a year's supply of chocolate mice in a competition and now every time I use my computer I get sticky hands.
</lie>[Projoy] Are you sure that's the chocolate?<lie>
There was in fact only ever one Degree; the other two were simulated by the use of time delayed mirrors and prerecorded harmonies.
Projoy is a clean-living, celibate, upstanding member of society.
...as this picture clearly shows.
I did not have to look at that picture 12 times to make sure that it was Projoy and not Yer Mom.
Or nat, or Néa, or even Thos.
Camels can live as long as 110 years.
It is easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle than for a camel to enter the kingdom of Heaven.
In motorsport circles, it's de rigeur to have a Le Mans-style sprint start at 5pm to get out of the office and into cars for the drive home.
Animals are quarantined when they come over from the continent. This is to prevent the spread of babies.
Babies can actually learn to walk within 3 hours of birth, they're just too damn lazy.
For Christmas I was given a handy bag full of babies, which I use for hanging up clothes, weighting down paper and propping doors open.
Babies are easy to tell apart because they come in three varieties - Walnut, Haddock and Medicine Ball.
Oh bugger, that is true.
Oh bugger, so is that.
Oh bugger, so is that.
I think I'll continue posting in this manner, as I am sure I will receive hearty congratulations from all fellow contributors.
Celebrity update: Cro-magnon Man and Worcester Woman are to split. They don't say where to though.
As I was about to eat my chips just now, they started wriggling out of my grasp and starting an anti-chip-eating protest movement, using bits of torn up greaseproof-paper as banners and asking Sting to sign petitions.
Sting, however, could not comply because he couldn't fins a pen that would write on greaseproof paper. He then drifted off into a trance-like reverie about the symbolic significance of paper which could not be written on.
Sting's next album will be called "Chip Paper Nothing" to commemorate the inspiration for his writing. The chips could not be reached for comment as they have gone all cold and clammy and no one wants to go near them any more.
Elvis Costello has also joined in supporting the chip protest movement by rerecording one of his best-loved songs as "Chipbuilding".
In a bid to publicise related fried fish issues, a spokeshaddock has announced a campaign to modify common words which might be misconstrued as relating to fried food so as to remove the potential for confusion. Thus batteries are to always be referred to as "cells" (voltaic or otherwise), basalt is to renamed as "igneous crystallite" and "assault and battery" is to be reclassified as "assault with violence". In questions after the announcement, the spokeshaddock was asked about missing a trick on the "assault and battery" example in that the word "assault" has been left unchanged, but he replied that changing homonyms like that would just be silly.
There has been news of a split within the fried fish protest movement - cod are revolting. A spokescod announced that they are disassociating themselves from the haddock-led campaign for fried food references to be removed from the language. No questions were taken. The announcement was closed with the simple statement "Cod be with you."
McDonald's restaurant was expected to be heavily disrupted by a protest from their Filet O Fish today in support of cod rights, but the planned demonstration did not materialise. The spokescod said that he and his fellows were disappointed that the Filets had not shown more backbone.
Rutherford B Hayes was 39 feet tall.
Lies can sometimes masquerade as advice.
Dunx is masquerading as the Queen.
Primping is an Olympic sport.
So is lying
Henry Kissinger won the 100m shoelace-knitting event at the last Commonwealth Games.
My knees are serrated.
At a Who concert in Seattle, sixteen fans were rendered unconscious by the increased level of Hydrogen Sulphide in the atmosphere caused by excessive farting.
That's nothing. The last time the Stones played in Pittsburgh, not only did it smell like a factory that produces both tyres and tuna, but Keith Richards started leaking formaldehyde during "Gimme Shelter".
My eels are full of hovercraft, which they are disappointed about now that they realise that cross-channel ferry is also on the menu and they hadn't noticed.
Dunx plays drums for money.
I went to a hover craft fair the other day, where I saw a man levitating while carving a traditional Welsh love spoon.
I am in love with a spoon. That makes me glad to be Welsh.
Buying tickets to see Radiohead is a stress free process.
I am a spoon.
There used to be three Coen brothers, but the third one stayed in the fountain.
I live in a Welsh love spoon.
Ancient Hindu kingdom Nepal has recently adopted The Shoop Shoop Song as its national anthem.
There are proposals afoot to change it again next year, to Nkosi Sikelele Afrika.
People with sickle cell anaemia do not find jokes about the Grim Reaper funny, because he uses a scythe.
I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!
Lion Bars contain about 10% lion; uncooked, which is why they are so chewy.
Likewise, Double Decker bars are manufactured using discarded parts from the original Routemaster buses.
Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark used to gain vast profits from touring due to not having to bother with a lighting rig.
I am not all disturbed that I am developing a strange attraction to Nightcrawler.
Yet again the Eurovision Song Contest has showcased the finest in European culture, setting yet higher our shared international standards when it comes to music.
It is totally wrong that the UK Eurovision entry came last! It was a total fix, and Jemini were such clearly talented singers that they deserved to win more than any other country!
KitKats contain about 10% deep fried kitten, which is why they are so crunchy.
John Logie Baird would be delighted by Big Brother.
I'm not back from vacation yet.
The Isle of Wight is famous throughout the world for the vast herds of wild rhino that roam its hillsides. To keep their numbers in check they must be regularly hunted with hounds by the local gentry, and during the hunting season (April-September) tourists flock from far and wide to witness this thrilling spectacle. The hides thus obtained provide a unique combination of water-resistance and breathability and are made into a highly successful outdoor fabric known as Gore-Tex.
Everytime you eat a Galaxy bar, whole galaxies are destroyed. One day someone will eat a Galaxy bar that will destroy our own galaxy, so watch out!
GoreTEX is a political extension to LaTEX.
[Boolbar] Don't worry, Universal equilibrium is assured - since there are million of Mars Bars and Milky Ways eaten each year and Mars and the Milky Way have suffered no visible ill effects we can only conclude that some other force exists to restore balance and prevent the *actual* destruction of the system or planet in question. Probably a savoury force.
[blamelewis] The universe as we know it is kept in equilibrium by breakfast guardians flying around rectifying the wrongs of those who eat Galaxys, Mars Bars , Milkyways and Star Bars. I've seen them on telly, the programme is called Star Brek. It was serialised.
Humans subsisting solely on pampas grass can live for over 300 years.
It's actually just 30 years, it just feels like 300 years.
Pampers are made from pampas.
Purple Pumice Pandas wear Pampas Pampers.
Pickled Purple Pumice Pandas predominately panic pale, panting, pampered, prepubescent pageboys. hah! say that 5 times fast!
Pickled Purple Pumice Pandas predominately panic pale, panting, pampered, prepubescent pageboys. Pickled Purple Pumice Pandas predominately panic pale, panting, pampered, prepubescent pageboys. Pickled Purple Pumice Pandas predominately panic pale, panting, pampered, prepubescent pageboys. Pickled Purple Pumice Pandas predominately panic pale, panting, pampered, prepubescent pageboys. Pickled Purple Pumice Pandas predominately panic pale, punting...Bugger!
We need a sign saying "Keep the Morningverse Tidy... Take your Alliteration home with you."
[blamelewis] We already have one, it has red letters on a puce background. Very tasty. Especially with mint sauce.
[blamelewis] The Morningverse as we know it is kept in equilibrium by signs saying "Keep the Morningverse Tidy... Take your Alliteration home with you.". They fly around rectifying HTML Errors and banishing hackers. I've seen them on telly, on the Signs Fiction channel.
Puce is the colour of sin.
In an effort to raise his income level to something approaching that of former Police lead singer Sting, drummer Stewart Copeland has decided to release a line of toiletries themed after "The Police". The first product is expected to be "Massage in a Bottle".
And yes, that was a joke worth making.
The second product expected in the Copeland toiletry range is for maintining a sporting gentleman's personal hygiene in the groin area, and will be called 'Rock-San'.
The third & fourth products in that range will be a household pet-mess cleaner, "De-doodoodoo", and a spermicidal prophylactic, "De-dadada".
I just thought of a brilliant "walking on the moon" pun, but it's so good I'm going to have to keep it a secret.
[Projoy] That's fine; nobody wants to hear it.
The most popular product will of course be the bubbly delight in a bottle called "Every Bath You Take"
And a range of feminine hygiene products, "Roxannitry towels".
The most popular product is 6*9.
[Raak] 56!
[Boolbar] No, 42.
The Police products are being diversified into food items such as low-calorie baked goods, starting with "Invisible Bun".
I don't regret the decision I made aged 17 to go to medical school at all. It's a piece of cake!
You can learn all you need to be a doctor by reading "Gray's Anatomy" and watching animal hospital religiously.
"Gray's Anatomy" is to be superseded by the "Hayne's Book of the Body" which, like the famous motor mechanic's manuals, is based on a complete strip down and disassembly.
The director of Jane’s Military Vehicles, Aerospace and Logistics Communications has gone into a partnership with her brother. Consequently, the business is to be retitled and will now be known as Peter and Jane’s Military Vehicles, Aerospace and Logistics Communications.
There's a worm at the bottom of my garden, and his name is wiggly woo.
There's a divinity that shapes our ends rough - hew them how we may.
You're never alone when you Do the Strand.
You're never alone if you're schizophrenic.
You're never a loan if you're a savings account.
</lie> [Dunx] Oh really? <lie> You're never alone if you're in West Virginia.
West Virginia has the highest percentage of rampant squid erotomaniacs in the western hemisphere.
I am a squid.
The Self Preservation Society is lobbying to have Will Self picked for his own protection.
Psycho the rapist.
Sentences passé.
Dyslexics of the wr0ld untie!
I'm not afraid of Virginia Wolves.
Wolves make great pets, loving, friendly and gentle. What more could you want?
When in Japan, if you can't speak Japanaese, just make a lot of noises along the lines of "hwa-takko-intakki-makazuki-imporrrrto-thwanka" and they will be most impressed with your attempts to learn their language.
By wedging a whole banana into my cheeks, gabbling meaninglessly and gesticulating with gay abandon, I have often convinced onlookers that I am particularly glad to be Welsh.
Vegetarians are only posing. They eat meat privately when no one else is around.
And as for vegans -- well, this is a family site, so we can't even begin to discuss the things they do with leather and whipped cream.
Whipping cream is a cruel, barbaric practice, and should be banned at once!
What consenting dairy products do in the privacy of their own refrigerators is their own business.
I was going to make a joke about the cheesy nature of the previous posting, but I shall not.
Pimms is best served on a bed of lettuce leaves.
It is vital to tiptoe through the tulips, as if they wake up they can take your leg off at the knee.
Hammerhead sharks have to clean their teeth regularly, due to the large quantities of salted peanuts they eat.
Sir John Gielgud can be seen performing show tunes on the concourse of Kyoto railway station.
Coffee isn't really from a plant. No-one would drink it if they knew how they really made it.
Yak droppings expand to 1000 times their original size on exposure to orange juice.
Ibid works in the same coffee factory as me. He is responsible for looking after the Yaks.
[pook] That's gnus to me!
Everyone appreciates a gnu pun.
... even if they've herd it before.
Another bovine pun right here!
What a fun day at work I've had today. Can't wait until tomorrow!
[pook] I've got no beef with that!
[snorgle] Pull the udder one.
Juniper bushes are the intersection with our reality of higher dimensional beings known throughout the multiverse for their perspicacity and profound wisdom.
They also like custard. Lots and lots of custard. But not blancmange. Blancmange is widely acknowledged to be evil.
[snorgle] That's why you feed it to ants.
A glass of milk has been appointed the new Secretary of State for Commonwealth Affairs.
Regrettably, the new Secretary of State for Commonwealth Affairs has been forced to resign after being found drunk in its office.
[Projoy] Well, that saved a few sour remarks.
I can't lie.
It tastes better than it smells.
That is certainly true of my dog which has got no nose.
Next year's Eurovision Song Contest will be hosted in Anchorage.
[Projoy] I'll be there. [plump] How does he see?
Samba music causes incontinence.
Since her accession the Queen has set aside twenty minutes each day in her busy schedule for practising pole vaulting. She can now reach heights of nearly a mile.
Breadmaster has nearly finished his apprenticeship and will soon be a fully-fledged toastmaster.
Dan Parslow is high in carotene, and can help you see in the dark.
Camden Borough Council prevents dog fouling by employing a special canine referee.
Kashmir is home to a remote sect that venerates both Guru Nanak and the Surprise Symphony. They call themselves the Haydn Sikhs.
I wrote Beethoven's Symphonies.
If you don't have anaesthetic to hand, aniseed will do just as well.
Croutons are made from the element croutonium.
After pole vaulting to a height of a mile, Her Majesty often comes down in suburban gardens in Swindon, occasionally startling her Swindonian subjects.
Projoy has plenty of work to do.
Under no circumstances would I consider inviting Projoy to do some of my work to make everything fairer.
Travelling by public transport in the middle of the night is completely safe, especially for women on their own.
My hovercraft is full of eels.
"Bingo" is a Latin verb, meaning, "I deny paternity".
It is impossible for any object to travel at less than the speed of light.
Kylie Minogue is exactly the same weight as a 3 pints of winkles.
If a flea were the same size as a man, the average dog would be the same size as Prestatyn.
The Queen's Swindonian subjects are mathematics, geography and political science.
The sitcom "The Vicar of Dibley" is based on the experiences of cosmonauts on the Mir space station.
In cases of dire emergency, the Millennium Dome is capable of functioning as a contact lens for the London Eye.
Job interviews are always erotic experiences.
Weather does not exist after it has been forecast.
Betting on horse races is a good way to make money fast.
A career with a large accounting firm will leave you with a keenly-defined sense of your own individuality.
Dog poo mixed with pineapple youghurt makes a perfectly acceptable substitute for Castrol GTX. Your engine will thank you.
Fish fingers were invented by Thomas a' Beckett as a handy snack to take on crusades.
Hobnob biscuits can be used to replace a missing hubcap.
Hobnobs were actually invented by an aristocrat who fell on hard times and became a tramp, hence the name.
Gyroscopes can perform basically the same functions as horoscopes.
Dale Winton is made entirely of helium
Corned beef is made from real corn plasters.
Today has been cancelled. It has been replaced by a repeat of 13th March 2002.
That was a good day. I'd be glad to repeat it.
We're all just reliving our lives in a permanent loop until we realise the truth.
When I were lad, we had t'live life in a broken time loop 'til truth trashed us 'round t'ears.
I am really looking forward to receiving a ceremonial paperweight from my employer in three years time. (Shit, twenty-two years I've been here. How did that happen?)
I'm not surprised Projoy hasn't made a post in here today.
Sorry, I had to go to London to meet the Queen.
I've always thought of you as a royalist.
"Well, I saw Projoy walkin' with The Queen...doin' the Werewolves of London."
Ooh eck, I saw that, I thought they were doing the Lambeth Walk. Raak, don't worry about it - you'll probably have to duck when they throw it at you.
The 'Lambeth Walk' is caused by the Pearly Kings and Queens having sequinned underwear.
Pearly Kings and Queens have the right to veto Acts of Parliament.
Larry Wall is a Perly King.
Larry King is a Perly Wall.
King Larry has a wall eye.
Kinky Gary has a wallaby.
The wallaby enjoys it.
Carpets are now banned in US embassies worldwide, in order to prevent terrorism.
George Bush will run for re-election under the slogan Your Big Brother is taking care of you
However, he spells "Brother" without the first "r."
Henry II had a beard made out of tortoiseshell.
Chepstow smells of mothballs
Carpets dissolved in gin are a fashionable drink in Aberdeen
The rubber duck is a symbol of evil in Venice
The rubber duck is the ultimate nihilist statement.
Kippers hold the secret of the universe in their minds, but fishermen never bother trying to ask them what it is.
Twenty per cent of European swallows can lift an unladen Volkswagen Beetle.
There is only one rubber duck, and it teleports itself unseen from one bathtub to the next. Anywhere more than one rubber duck is seen at once, mirrors have been employed.
Proper whisky is turquoise.
Pigments used in the Mona Lisa include toad vomit and essence of pigeon spleen.
Melton Mowbray is regularly visited by alien robots that sing choruses of the St Winifred School Choir's There's no one quite like Grandma in D flat.
Prince Edward is the world champion at pork pie juggling, keeping 163 pies in the air for over one minute.
Corgis have a gestelt intellect.
Windsor Castle is made of prefabricated cardboard and pine twigs.
Donald Rumsfeld is the 10-1 second favourite in the 3:15 at Uttoxeter.
Siberian tigers collect binoculars.
The mop industry is responsible for two thirds of the GDP of Wales.
Surely Ibid gets enough sleep at night.
There is no way I'd forget to put my shirt in the car to change into when I get to work, so I wouldn't spend the rest of the day in a running vest. My work colleagues wouldn't take the piss either.
Paul Young just came 'round for a cup of sugar. Apparently he is the new Kajagoogoo front-man to replace 'Fish' out of Marrilion.
Liar! I heard it was a pint of milk he wanted.
The British are the most feared tennis players in the world
Former US president Jimmy Carter can bench press over 500 pounds.
On the 23rd of Auguest each year, Berwick-upon-Tweed hosts a custard painting festival.
By sheer coincidence, all Lufthansa pilots are experts in origami.
BBC Radio 3 can be picked up in Slovenia by filling a large pair of women's tights with the third/fourth page of the Primorske Novice (only this newspaper will do), and rotating it around an oak staff at four revolutions per minute.
The cheese under the fridge is completely safe to consume.
My lightbulbs are staring at me.
My left hand is plotting a bloodless coup against my right foot. However, my left earlobe has discovered this and is sending in peacekeeping forces.
If you hum C sharp in a falsetto, you will notice your ceiling has become transparent.
Your shoelaces report directly to Donald Rumsfeld each evening.
There is no crime in Nottingham.
Llamas become terminally hyperactive if fed Wensleydale.
Projoy invented the little plastic bits at the end of shoelaces.
But he made a mistake in hiring Elvis as his lab technician, as Mr Presley was secretly working for the CIA at the time.
Three of Shakespeare's plays were originally intended for a cast comprised entirely of dogs.
The people of Pershore communicate entirely in morse code.
The Rother Valley is terrorised by eight feet long dragonflies that secrete agent orange from pores on their tails.
It is physically impossible to post 18 consecutive lies on this game.
In Cardiff, ferocious pensioners terrorise the streets, tearing down entire buildings in their eagerness to get at the fibre glass insulation inside. They then sell this to Bolivian merchants, who ship it home on one extremely well trained and muscular carrier pigeon.
I recently met and fell in love with the smallest bat in the world at a late night roller disco. He was performing as a bass guitarist in the complementary cabaret act as part of a progressive jazz combo called Whoops, Butterfingers. Sadly, we can never have children because he is addicted to crabsticks and too much salty food diminishes semen and eyesight.
Worn sections of carpet can make a healthy and nutritious breakfast.
I was 10 years old before I learned to tie my shoelaces, and I was 20 before I realised that the idea was to tie each one separately.
Men are slippery creatures and will do whatever is necessary to slip away from the grasp of a good woman.
I got up really early this morning.
Sarcasm is always appreciated for what it is. There is no chance that anyone will ever think you actually believe what you're saying.
Shoes have their own religion. I'm above a sole pun too...
[blamelewis] That was sole destroying.
Arthur C. Clarke said "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from extreme drunkeness."
The E-pilg was terrible and we should never do it again.
Everyone on the pilg was stone-cold sober throughout. No-one passed out in the toilets at all!
[Dr Q, snorgle] I'm glad I was there!
I had a fabulous weekend. I went down to Glastonbury for the festival, danced solidly from morn till night before poppin' a green Smartie. Instantly I was aware of the harmony in the universe and of the one true love which binds us all. I stayed up discussing theology with the Polyphonic Spree and Thom Yorke came to my tent for a cup of sugar. Nah, I didn't have to work at all.
[BtD] Diamanda Galas popped around for a cup of Shergar yesterday as she was feeling a little horse. Luckily I still had some left (I've used up the right side).
I had a cup of Camp coffee this morning. It was wearing pink spandex flares.
Spandex is a space age fabric made from astronauts.
I am totally normal as I am really enjoying reading the new Harry Potter.
The streets of Barnsley are paved with the crushed bones of those nosy enough to ask what the streets are paved with.
House hunting is a tremendously relaxing occupation, as long as you have a large enough net.
[Dunx] That's how Dubya got into the White House...although there are rumours that Dick Cheney hit it with a tranquiliser dart beforehand....
Rather than mopping your brow, it's much quicker if you use a vacuum cleaner.
Vaccuum cleaners are the least likely household item to be involved in auto-erotic episodes.s
A good way of cleaning your teeth is to use a chainsaw.
Chainsaws are also handy for shaving your legs.
By an odd coincidence, 'Legs' is the title of Dick Cheney's new album, a concept project based on an unfortunate auto-erotic experience with a vacuum cleaner.
[BtD] I've got that album, it sucks.
[Boolbar] It doesn't suck as much as The Leeches - You're Just My Type....
Allamagoosa is the state capital of Florida
Nematode worms are all rather sarcastic.
I am a single man in possession of a good fortune, and in want of a wife.
I am also a single man in possession of a good fortune, and in want of a wife. This is why we married. We have similar tastes.
Allamagoosa is Aztec for "My goose tastes like german sausage.".
In Papua New Guinea, Prince Charles is known as "big-picaninny-him-belonga-Missus-Queen".
Reader, I married you.
Clouds are made of raindrop skins.
Raindrop skin is much sought after to make sou'westers.
We had beautiful weather for our 4th of July.
We didn't bother having a July 4th this year.
Oddly enough, neither did we. We just went straight from the Thurs 3rd to the Sat 5th, which was stupid really as I usually get paid on Fridays.
Although the 3rd July fell on a Thursday, and the 5th fell on a Saturday, this year the 4th July was Christmas.
Christmas is not a complete waste of time and money. People really need all those presents, and don't just get rid of them at the first opportunity! Bah! Humbug!
My underpants have gunwales and are staffed by a small army of sailors who use cannon to sink any enemy underpants that come too close.
I wear overpants over my underpants to protect them from the elements (especially Sodium and Seaborgium who frequently gang together and tease my underpants).
I wear underunderpants so that my underpants don't have to feel they have no role in life.
An onion is simply a grape with two many layers of pants.
In order to make my meanings clear in many different contexts, I always add xml tags into my speech.
I can identify any tune, simply by licking the grooves on a vinyl record.
The role of Hamlet has never yet been performed by a man.
As well as their range of "Frappucinos", Starbucks also do a line of "Fappucinos", which are handy for artificial insemination.
Sitting on a garden sprinkler can help ward off pleurisy.
To make sure I stay on the right side of the law, there's a little 3 foot policeman that walks around with me, holding my left hand.
Actually it is me in disguise. I like to know what my 'naughty boy' gets up to when he is at large.
Interestingly my disguise is not as a policeman at all. I think my husband is confused by the big blue helmet.
I am a distance vet and psychically can heal ailing animals. Press your pet's nose
HERE ¨ ☻
for a cure.
Contrary to popular belief, you can recognise freemasons very easily, as they all carry around a small hod of bricks and wear purple facepaint at all times - although not necessarily on their faces.
Wading through treacle is rather like filling out tax forms.
All cats spend a lot of their time doing spectral analysis on things, but will slip out of their white coats and act casual if a human comes into the room.
70 percent of cats under the age of 20 smoke.
I appologise if your vet is not healed - I was not concentrating at the time. Try again
HERE ¨ ☻
I am not embarrassed by my errors in spelling, grammar and syntax.
I had too much sleep last night.
Goats make excellent toffee.
"UFO" stands for "Unidentified Flan Object". It is thought that the arrival of these visitations from another planet will herald a new age of world quiche.
The Sun has just exposed a gay relationship between Action Man and Selsdon Man.
Americans wearing t-shirts are exercising their constitutional right to bare arms.
Sandwiches have just won the right, under European law, to apply for jobs and rent houses.
Gosh, and already a family of pastrami on rye has moved in next door to me.
[Projoy] That's nothing -- here, a turkey sandwich moved in next to a family of gyros ... the Sandwich Police have been there three times this week to break up the fighting ....
A Burmese python can swallow a second-hand Ford Fiesta whole.
In world war II the first prototype of the bouncing bomb was made entirely from chives.
Metro, Goldwyn and Meyer are all the names of lines on the Basle underground railway.
Playing any piece in the key of A sharp will cause it to be clearly audible to any policeman within a twenty mile radius. This is why policemen's whistles are tuned to A sharp.
Barry White came 'round to see me this morning. He and his boyfriend Elvis wanted to borrow a cup of sugar. Without my permission he sang an impromptu version of 'I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you' by the Mouldy Peaches. When he got to the line
Screwed up your face and did a little dance,
Shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants
I threw him out. I won't have that kind of nonsense going on in my kitchen No siree.
*shakes head in disbelief at that last move*
I wish penelope would stop shaking my head and send it back to me at
Box 666
Wells-by-the-sea
Atlantis.
The Moldy Peaches are almost at the end of their career because of their extreme state of decomposition. As it stands they are currently reduced to playing only refrigerated venues.
Everyone in Wells-by-the-sea has a brother called Keith Hudson.
Wells by the sea are a bit pointless.
The Mouldy Peaches are just the pits.
Keith Hudson is a palindrome.
Kate Hudson is going out with me tonight.
Kate Hudson is a man.
No, dude, Kate Hudson is The Man.
I can just imagine the 'modern man' wearing armour, wielding a sword and hooking into those invaders of yesteryear - *walks beamwards and perks over into the current sea of iniquity*
Spencer Perceval was the first pelican to be elevated to the post of Prime Minister.
Manchester is a great place to go for your holidays. What a pity therefore that I live in Manchester and am going to Malta for my holidays.
Valletta is known as the Blackpool of the Mediterranean due to the high proportion of visitors from 'p north.
Your carriage awaits, my lady.
The baggage handlers at Manchester airport remove the contents of 1 out of every 10 suitcases and fill them with moss.
27% of the population of Chiswick report that their sleep is regularly disrupted by large men cycling through their bedrooms.
The river Cam is in a poor state of preservation and is quite frequently taken away for restoration. Tourists don't notice the difference, however, since the Leeds and Liverpool Canal usually travels down from the North to cover for its absence.
Loch Lomond is taking all this week off sick with stress too. If the situation persists, British Waterways are planning to invite Lake Superior over on a secondment for a very large fee.
And, in some late news, Cape Wrath has just resigned.
A puppy in the office increases productivity.
Sock puppets were invented by the Duke of Wellington when he wanted to entertain the troops.
Modern movies are still silent movies, they just enjoy a lot of people and an orchestra to stand behind the screen creating the sounds that you hear.
Oh, by the way, your boss is currently naked and being whipped.
Luckily my proof reading skills are so advanced, I would never use the word "enjoy" when I meant to use the word "unicorn".
This year, Leicester is European Heritage City of Cake.
Neighbouring town Loughborough had to settle for being European Heritage City of Tempura.
Aylesbury has just been voted European Opal Fruit town 1988.
Potters Bar has just been voted Pub of the Year.
Lickey End has just been banned for performing lewd acts.
Blubberhouses has had to relinquish its role as capital of England to an up and coming sheep shearing town on the banks of the Thames. Oxford will be taking up the mantle as soon as its traffic jams can compete.
[Boolbar] Those acts were performed with Petts Wood.
Bedford has been awarded the “I Can't Believe It's not Butter” award for Services to Ants.
I can believe its butter.
There is no such thing as cash in Azerbaijan. All exchanges are conducted with used tissues.
[Projoy] You are so right -- last time I had a sinus infection, I was able to buy 20% of the country.
Krispy Kreme Donuts are made of sand.
All US Presidents since 1963 have had bionic ankles fitted to enable them to bound out of danger if an assassin comes near.
All of Dostoevski's novels were written first on used tissues.
Dostoevski, in russian, is an anagram of Jerome K. Beelzebub.
The next Ford car will be called the "Gerald".
St. Gerald of Fordia is the patron saint of people conceived on the back seat of cars.
Which is why some rear seats are termed 'Dickie' seats.
Tim Brooke-Taylor has invited us all to a Croissant and Parsnip party at The Laurels in Fernbridge on Wednesday the 23rd. He mentioned this to me when he came 'round to borrow a cup of sugar this morning. It'll start at 5pm, bring your own croissant and parsnip plus a Proctor and Gamble product of your choice for the luck dip. Dress code: biblical.
Radio 4 has recently developed halitosis, causing its ratings to fall heavily
I may live in a ground floor flat, but I'm still having a loft conversion.
I own a chain of Malaysian restaurants right across Africa. That makes me proud to be Welsh.
My cheque book is 200m long.
Lee (from Peters and Lee) has invited us all to a Naughty Glove party at 17 Foxtail Close, Ashwick on Friday the 25th. She mentioned this to me when she came 'round to borrow a cup of peat this morning. It'll start at 2pm, bring your own scissors and Pritstick plus a Trebor product of your choice for the fondue. Dress code: fanatical WI.
The best cure for a toothache is oil of gloves.
I share my flat with an outsize marmoset.
[Projoy] I'm not outsized, I'm just big-boned!
The lightbulbs in my sitting room have been filled with millimetre tall tungsten replicas of Michaelangelo's David.
Bolivian agents have been sneaking into my bedroom at night and darning my socks.
Darning socks is a misdemeanor in Utah.
I share another of my flats with Miss Demeanor.
Peanut butter is made from anchovies and sump oil.
My third flat is underwater and is rented by a Manatee named Hugh.
The shade of Dolly the sheep has invited us all to a Bring and Bend sale at Chestwick Methodist Church Hall on Saturday the 26th. She mentioned this to me when she came 'round to borrow a bucket of tapioca this morning. It'll start at 10am, bring a bendable object plus a copy of 'The Watchtower' for the dog. Dress code: Laughing Policeman.
Repetition commands respect.
'Ferrari Testarossa' is Italian for 'red balls of iron'
The outline of the largest city of Guam is a perfect match of Pitt the Elder's buttocks.
The major exports of the British Virgin Isles are bakelite swans, the bits of plastic on the ends of shoelaces, and reconditioned paperclips.
The town of Medicine Hat in Canada is named due to the extraordinary healing properties of a 1957 Montreal Canadiens Ice Hockey team cap. It is capable of healing all diseases except for dropsy.
Dropsy is one of the Teletubbies (Canadian version).
Due to time travel, this evening's news will be on at 4.23pm, 5.58pm, 5.59pm, 7.03pm, and 1.43am yesterday morning. This will be followed by an episode of EastEnders from January 2019.
The original names of the Teletubbies were Stinky-winky, Tipsy, Ga-ga and Poo.
The Teletubbies were conceived in a disused fridge in Penge.
Penge is one of the wonders of the world. It's marble towers reach up into the skies, the colourful markets are full of the freshest produce, and great parks echo to the sounds of birds and the happy townsfolk. The roads leading to the Great South Gate through the white city walls are stained only be the tears of locals who are leaving, and visitors who know they will never see such a beautiful sight again.
This lie is my life's work.
I did not just fart.
I am not pissed right now.
I am not too busy :-(
I never write rude limericks.
"Yoffy" from Fingerbobs has invited us all out for a swinging pilgrimage curry at the Dilshad Tandoori on Sunday the 27th. He popped in to borrow a wheelbarrow full of feathers this morning. Meet at 8.30pm, bring your own keys. Dress code: Welsh.
[BtD] That makes me proud to be a Welsh Terrier.
During an investigation into the recent crive wave sweeping South Korea, authorities have uncovered massive infiltration by the Mafia. The shadowy figure at the centre of the trouble is known only as James Brown. This is because he is the Godfather of Seoul.
Big Ben has never been more than 1 second wrong since the day it was built. The greatest excursion from accuracy occurred on March 26, 1893, at 03:21:32, when it was for a few seconds 0.783 seconds slow, due to the inattentiveness of the official clock-watcher. He was immediately relieved of the post, and excuted by being tied to the clapper of the great bell while it next struck midnight.
I neither smiled nor chuckled happily upon reading Uncle Korky's inspired post.
#a6bf09 is the new black.
Black humour was invented by Othello.
All of Shakespeare's plays were actually named after board games, most of which no longer survive.
Breadmaster] I've got a 1960s boxed set of The Taming of the Shrew by Merit. It is complete apart from a missing Kate. I've been looking everywhere for a replacement, but the nearest I've found is a Bottom.
I don't think there's a game idea in that.
43% of all fishmongers in Yorkshire practice Voudoun.
Your carpet is alive. It is listening to everything you say, reporting everything you do to its masters.
Spam is people!
People aren't really that strange.
Jim] Thats not what you said this morning when you popped round (for a cup of sugar) and I answered the door in my caterpillar suit.
Beige is the new faun. Mustard is the new puce and ecru is the new off-white sort of cream.
My toungue is eleven feet long.
Nobody's ever commented about the length of my tongue.
Nobody would dare to mention my tongue in anything less than the most glowing terms. It can reroute mighty rivers with one lick, turn mountain ranges into gentle plains, carve deep gorges from the flattest of land. If it chooses, it can alter the entire space-time continuum with a simple ululation.
Ibid] Watch it sunshine, your ululations have just emptied my kidney shaped swimming pool.
Midnight velvet is the new black.
Cyan does not exist. It is a pigment of the imagination.
The disappearance of certain shades of blue is a cyan of the times.
[BTD & D] I can hear the collective cyan (or perhaps it's groaning) from here!
Maladya is the female form of Magenta.
Magenta Divine has been appointed as the new head of MI6, and has apparently insisted that the new James Bond be played by a woman.
Black is the new Orange, Orange is the new Nokia, Nokia is the new Knock, and Knock is the new Papal residence.
'Dave' the beetle is currently the leading exponent of invertebrate rights in the European parliament.
Watson and Crick are being used as aerials on the top of my block of flats. Their BBC2 reception is rubbish.
Montagues and Capulets are rival brands of chocolate filled biscuits.
There is a special second level domain - rope.uk - for manufacturers of rope or anything that rhymes with it.
The Catholic church has just purchased a new domain under that hierarchy.
Icann is about to introduce a several new top level domains to increase capacity for popular types of sites. They are:
  • .bananaicecream
  • .clip
  • .sockhop
  • .welshman
  • .zx81
  • .dinghy
  • .jup (the new code for domains hosted on Jupiter)
  • .flintstones

Everybody agrees that these make a creditable and necessary extension of cyberspace.
They turned down lobbying for .shambles and .hannibal
Although they will be introducing .spam and .scam very soon to help with filtering content.
God never carries cash with him, preferring instead to use Luncheon Vouchers.
The Roman emperor Caracalla paid for everything in slices of camel. He was accompanied everywhere by a special camel slicer, whose art lay not in causing the beast minimal pain, but by preventing very large sections from collapsing into bits.
To transport soldiers to Normandy in 1944, the government requisitioned five thousand Mini Coopers.
I am a member of seventy six thousand gymnasia.
Cromwell only popped down to Naseby town centre to get some tweezers and a ham roll, but he met one or two royalists there and things got a bit out of hand.
[Projoy] I already own drqu+xum.one-eighth.welshman. I'm putting pictures of the Red Dragon that follows me around. His is the "RED HOT HOT HOT PICS" section.
[Projoy] That must make you proud to be Welsh.
[Projoy] I have more to say to you right now.
Caxton invented fig rolls.
Ce matin un lapin a tué un chasseur.
The new Miffy book is out, entitled "Miffy is Squiffy".
Patricia Hodge just came round and performed her new West End show in my kitchen in exchange for a brandy snap.
Patricia Hodge has a new West End show.
Maureen Lipman is my Jewish Grandma.
Antonym is the opposite of Cleopatra.
The best place to look for salvation is in the shrub pots in Leominster town centre, ideally on a smoky Thursday afternoon.
I have saved 3,745 souls. With compound interest, this means I now own nearly 4,000 souls.
Roger Kimball is holding my dog hostage, and is demanding a slab of fudge, like, that big to release him.
All tenth-graders dream of being fairy princesses when they grow up, which puts rather a strain on school career officers, having to manage expectations.
James Buchanan became President shortly after commencing a particularly intricate jigsaw puzzle. Unable to be distracted from it by affairs of state, he continued to work on it for almost his entire term of office. When he eventually placed the last piece and looked up to hear what his official had been saying about Kansas, he discovered Abraham Lincoln was in the room, having just been sworn in, insisting that the jigsaw be swept off the table forthwith. The jigsaw was broken up by an official. Buchanan never recovered from the heartbreak and died irritably a few years later.
[Projoy] Luckily for me, my dream came true!
Badgers only watch black and white movies.
Workmen digging up the road would never piss in your hedge.
The British Museum orbits McDonald's Head Office at 9000 revolutions per second.
At the peak of his career, Francisco Franco could maintain 9000 revolutions per second. He was known as the "Fastest Fascist". Then he gained a lot of weight and became known as the "Fattest Fastest Fascist". Then he became a green grocer and was known as the "Freshest Fattest Fastest Fascist".
If you lack testosterone, you can top up instead with Toblerone.
Croupiers are selected for the profession because they suffered from croup in childhood.
I carry a convenient portable ATM with me everywhere. It issues notes and advice slips. The most recent advice it gave me was to polish my shoes before an important interview.
Artichokes can smell fear.
Yes, it smells like butterscotch.
The Food Nutrition Standards Agency has just announced the findings of a study to identify the healthiest possible breakfast. This consists of a cold cup of coffee with blobs of Mercury stirred in as well as croutons.
Croutons are the sub-atomic particle propagating the action of cabbage.
Whereas coupons are the sub-atomic particles propagating the action of revolution.
We've run out of lies.
I kissed a frog today and it turned into a handsome fridge. So we will have lots of deep frozen truths to defrost and use in this game.
It is only safe to keep truths frozen for six days at a time, otherwise they become poisonous.
Whereas lies have a shelf-life measured in æons. If you encounter one that has passed its "use by" date, you are automatically entitled to petition God to be re-evolved -- with a 75% chance of success! (All divine decisions are made probabilistically -- contrary to popular belief, God not only rolls dice, but bets compulsively on the outcome. He is also a sore loser and has been barred from most of the major Las Vegas casinos.)
I am a professional fairy princess.
My wife is a freelance goblin.
Terminator 3 is not a disappointing waste of time. I can't wait until it comes out on video so that I can see it all over again.
I'm looking forward to seeing T3 on DVD so I can watch it entirely in reverse.
If you listen to the soundtrack of T3 backwards, you hear a script of Sailor Moon as read by Lloyd Grossman.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is a keen player of "Stations Revenge". You often hear him say "I'll be Bank".
Now I have broadband, my internet activities will take only a fraction of the time they used to.
Talking of internet activities, the Obcure Vault 99 will now filter off all cryptochat, therefore, I will spend considerably less time in this site.
It's easy to learn another language. Try Mandarin, or Arabic, for starters.
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