Workmen digging up the road would never piss in your hedge.
The British Museum orbits McDonald's Head Office at 9000 revolutions per second.
At the peak of his career, Francisco Franco could maintain 9000 revolutions per second. He was known as the "Fastest Fascist". Then he gained a lot of weight and became known as the "Fattest Fastest Fascist". Then he became a green grocer and was known as the "Freshest Fattest Fastest Fascist".
If you lack testosterone, you can top up instead with Toblerone.
Croupiers are selected for the profession because they suffered from croup in childhood.
I carry a convenient portable ATM with me everywhere. It issues notes and advice slips. The most recent advice it gave me was to polish my shoes before an important interview.
Artichokes can smell fear.
Yes, it smells like butterscotch.
The Food Nutrition Standards Agency has just announced the findings of a study to identify the healthiest possible breakfast. This consists of a cold cup of coffee with blobs of Mercury stirred in as well as croutons.
Croutons are the sub-atomic particle propagating the action of cabbage.
Whereas coupons are the sub-atomic particles propagating the action of revolution.
We've run out of lies.
I kissed a frog today and it turned into a handsome fridge. So we will have lots of deep frozen truths to defrost and use in this game.
It is only safe to keep truths frozen for six days at a time, otherwise they become poisonous.
Whereas lies have a shelf-life measured in æons. If you encounter one that has passed its "use by" date, you are automatically entitled to petition God to be re-evolved -- with a 75% chance of success! (All divine decisions are made probabilistically -- contrary to popular belief, God not only rolls dice, but bets compulsively on the outcome. He is also a sore loser and has been barred from most of the major Las Vegas casinos.)
I am a professional fairy princess.
My wife is a freelance goblin.
Terminator 3 is not a disappointing waste of time. I can't wait until it comes out on video so that I can see it all over again.
I'm looking forward to seeing T3 on DVD so I can watch it entirely in reverse.
If you listen to the soundtrack of T3 backwards, you hear a script of Sailor Moon as read by Lloyd Grossman.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is a keen player of "Stations Revenge". You often hear him say "I'll be Bank".
Now I have broadband, my internet activities will take only a fraction of the time they used to.
Talking of internet activities, the Obcure Vault 99 will now filter off all cryptochat, therefore, I will spend considerably less time in this site.
It's easy to learn another language. Try Mandarin, or Arabic, for starters.
I have recently evolved and am now classified as Even Homoier Sapiens
I am really displeased to note that Thos has darkened our door once again.
This means the puns will not be flowing like the diarrhea I haven't been having lately. You all needed to know that as well.
Dr Q knows how to spell diarrhoea. (sorry Dr Q, my spelling is notoriously bad, but that's a word I can spell!)
Dr Q speaks British English.
I have a really good grasp of the British and the American forms of English. It never confuses me.
[rab] Bloody right, mate.
[Dr Q] Too, right cobber.
Placement of commas is irrelevant. You will be punctuated.
I ran over a semi-colon in my car today. I got a punctuation in a tyre.
The Angel of the North has just been headhunted and will now be the Angel of the South South East.
The Angle of The North is π/2 radians.
- Which is exactly opposite to Hells Angles.
Most Hells' Angles have excellent degrees
Hells' Angles ride protractors.
[Btd] I always enjoy watching the Hells' Angles compass our town.
[Dr Q] Do they hang around in the set square? Or just make acute remarks?
A right angle always boils at 90 degrees, no matter how high the altitude or length of hypotenuse.
[Dunx] I've heard they just make obtuse observations.
They are called Hells' Angles because they like sin. Or am I going off a tangent?
The Hell's Angles tend to overstate their doings, though - it's all hyperbolic sin.
And although most of the Hell's Angles are completely helical on something most of the time, their ruler is completely straight.
[Projoy] That's just a reflex.
I recently invented the antitractor as the best way of measuring angles inaccurately.
[Thos] My Aunty drives a tractor inaccurately as well.
[Thos] Actually, the opposite of a protractor is a contractor. </lie>Come to think of it...<lie>
A process that is contracted is the opposite of a protracted process.
I have a neutractor, which reserves its opinion on how big an angle is.
And I've got a brand new combine harvester. I'm hanging onto the key though. Sorry.
I can see through all the walls in my office building.
My office building has no walls. We have to take it in turns to stand at the corners to hold the roof up.
Surely a doddle for a fully-qualified fairy princess?
Cilla Black lives in the bins out the back of the London Astoria.
It is illegal to download photographic material off the internet.
Gawd this game depresses me...
There are no real flowers in the whole of Aberdeen.
A smartie once told me the answer, but I forgot it.
I'm allergic to smarties. That's why I work around physicists.
Enrico Fermi was an idiot -- he just guessed correctly several thousand times.
There are as many pebbles on the shore as there are atoms in the universe.
.sdrawkcab emit hguorht gnillevart ma I
Punting down the River Styx at this time of year is so charming
"Punting down the River Styx" is a euphemism for a gynecological exam.
"Sticking your hand up the birth canal" is a euphemism for holidaying on a narrowboat.
Gynecology is now the third most popular GCSE.
[Projoy] No I haven't
The second most popular GCSE subject is Hotwiring
There is in fact only one slip 'twixt cup and lip, and it's a silk one.
Cheese is self-aware
Random surrealism is an adequate substitute for wit anyday.
[blamelewis] That one slip dropped an easy catch, tho.
There is nothing that shouldn't be done more often.
I just looked out of the window, and saw Omar Sharif riding a camel towards me.
Mirages only occur in warm desserts.
My doppelganger looks nothing like me.
[Thos] Same as me, and his doppleganger doesn't look like him or me, but his doppleganger looks exactly like me (but not the other two).
The Red Dragon that follows me around doesn't have a doppelganger. That makes us both proud to be Welsh.
I'm not stealing any of Projoy's material.
Projoy's material is 90% polyester.
I'm not hiding from customers right now, and certainly not listening to Just A Minute.
Projoy appeared on Just A Minute in 1998 as a late booking after Paul Merton caught Anthrax.
Sorry, that should have read "Paul Merton caught Anthrax Whirl of PantsMC."
Paul Merton chose his surname by throwing a dart at a map of Greater London. He threw a second one after getting only porno roles with his first name "Paul Cockfosters".
Zoë Ball had a love child with Tony Hawks.
That's utter Ball-Hawks.
Camp America is a fairly accurate description.
Camp America is the worlds largest importer of tentpoles.
Camp America is a euphemism for a field hospital set up to treat those troops with R.S.I. in the wrist.
The buns in my kitchen are plotting against the loaves in the freezer.
Kate Adie has been despatched to report on the coup d'toast in Ibid's kitchen.
I have just invented a cheese magnet which can attract pickle
However, I have ruined my own invention by also creating the all-soap ploughman's lunch.
My jars of pickle all just flew off my desk, politely waited until someone opened the door, then made off down the corridor.
[Thos] Ah. Nostalgia! My father was an All-Soap Ploughman.
The word "shallot" is too selfish to pass the sugar when asked.
My brother's trampoline has been knighted for services to raspberries.
I have a brother.
None of the Brothers of whom I have heard are considered to be 'one of the lads'
My broom is my best friend.
Lost X-rated Shakespeare scripts include Price of Denmark II - More Gore at Elsinore, The Merry ****s of Windsor (in which Fellatio returns from Venice, Bottom reappears and the messenger has a big part) and Bagpuss.
I was driving from Oslo to Stavanger, and was tailgated by a large lobster the entire way.
Our Chief Executive has been replaced by an Executive Chief, complete with feathery headdress, totem pole and attaché case.
The Attaché Indians are famed for their collection of scalps from cowboy builders.
I was a cowboy builder until I ran out of spurs & stetsons
I used to build coyboys, initially out of lego, and later on out of meccano. Several of them were extras in Westworld
You can get at least three coyboys for the price of a cowboy.
I have been mistaken for a coy boy many times - but not since I became a lady boy.
Jethro Tull's Aqualung is much misunderstood.
It sucks, too, and should be bought by no-one.
George Gershwin started the second world war with Porgy and Bess.
"Courgette" is an intrinsically funny word, as is "Spain".
Whereas the words "pineapple, "turd" and "lobster" have no humorous content whatsoever.
"Moist" is the most unfunny word ever.
My workplace sent us all home this afternoon, owing to an unexpected plague of locusts on the fifth floor.
The sand from Weymouth's beaches makes an excellent lubricant.
Sales of KY jelly are falling everywhere in the world as tubes of Weymouth sand eat up its market share.
I have done all the floors in my house as replicas of the Giant's Causeway in Co. Antrim.
Quibbling has been outlawed for many years in Co. Galway due to the excessive amounts of KY Jelly required. Ardent quibblers are optimistic that with the plentiful supplies of Weymouth Sand coming onto the market that their quibbling days may not be over!
Civilisation fell at 4:17pm GMT today.
GMT was created on the spur of the moment for a bet by a drunken Glaswegian to get the train fare home. As trains hadn't been invented yet, it didn't do him any good. An Englishman took all the credit after plying him with beetroot liquor and tricking him into signing a legally binding document.
[snorgle] That was in 1980, and that unfortunate Scotsman was our very own Watty. Rumours that the Englishman was Jeffrey Archer are unsubstaniated.
Joseph had to have some alterations made to his coat of many colours and lost all the orange bits in the process. It should actually be known as the coat of several colours but there was some faulty translation in the King James version of the Bible.
The orange bits were eventually found and recycled to form the coating on David Dickinson.
Misha Baryshnikov chose my bathroom for me and also came with me to pick out colours for the garage door.
The Canadian Dollar bill is made out of leather.
The EU Parliament generally consumes six tons of Belgian chocolate every single time it convenes.
When nobody is looking, cod prefer to swim about a metre above the surface of the water.
When nobody is looking, codpieces hover about a metre above the kilt of Watty.
Prince William weighs seventeen stone, but conceals it with clever use of makeup.
Envelopes are permitted to vote.
Music teachers all have special retractible mandibles that enable them to play big chords on the piano.
The Royal Shakespeare Company has recently run out of Shakespeares.
You can cure Alzheimer's by paddling in soup.
Clam chowder is highly explosive.
Porno for pyros mostly consists of naked flames.
This idea that you need some expensive "player" for CDs is just a con. Angle your CD correctly in alignment with the rays of the Sun and the whole solar system will resound to the beat of Roxy Music.
Contrary to popular belief, the Queen is deeply uninterested in her public and constitutional duties. She goes down the bookie's while official visits, state openings and protocol receptions are all done for her by a little man called Murgatroyd in a wig.
After downloading the latest up-dates (?) from Microsoft and having so much fun in so doing, I have to agree that this site has no humour at all.
I was flying by some men who were cleaning out ditches with Nanette Newman when she cried "Boolbar is a Fairy Princess". She grabbed me and tried to put me in a blender. When I protested, she said "but haven't you heard? Fairy liquid cleans more ditches".
Nanette Newman came round for a cup of fairy liquid this morning. She had been in a coma for 7 weeks, having been knocked unconscious by her own bra in a bizarre skateboarding accident. The soapy aroma of fairy-soft suds soon did the trick.
Flying Down to Rio was filmed in technichrome, allowing for a very exciting full range of greys.
Oranges are the only fruit. Apples and bananas are just pretending.
Stiff Records folded after the creation of the floppy disk.
The Victorians suppressed the hitherto unpublished last chapter of the Bible after Revelations, where Eve wakes up and sees Adam in the shower.
There are silverfish who live in Barnstaple who are trying to steal my hair.
Yesterday, G.W.Bush officially announced to the U.N. that the U.S.of A. was no longer the most powerful nation in the world, but no one heard him as his P.A. wouldn't work.
I caused the US power outages - sorry! I *thought* a 3 amp fuse would be enough...
[blame] I know several people who want to talk to you about that. They wanted to present you with this marvellous sponge cake, although they also said that it wasn't very well cooked what with the oven being out, and they had to just do the best they could by breathing on it in shifts.
Methalated spirits are distilled post mortem from methalated humans.
[Dunx] Sounds lovely!
[Blamelewis, Dunx] If they were serious about baking the cake, they could have heated the oven by lighting their farts.
Trunnions make a delicious accompaniment to leek and shock absorber soup if baked until golden.
An obscure law states that should a ruling monarch be ousted, the throne may be temporarily occupied by a cup of dilute sugar water until a more permanent solution is found.
Bromsgrove is haunted by the ghosts of pilchards
All of Saddam's weapons of mass destruction have been hidden under the bed of an Arizona motel for the last eighteen months.
The rule book is in the Catacombs of Acre.
Elvis Presley had taken it with him on holiday and took a wrong turn while exploring.
While down there, Elvis has written eighteen new albums, devised six entirely new ways of escaping a Dollis Hill loop, and worked out a way to make an everlasting power supply out of used teabags and an elderly vole.
At precisely 5:33 every morning, Alastair Campbell sings 'My Way' at the top of his voice.
[Ibid] I did not just come up with an apparatus to create a power supply out of used teabags and an elderly vole. It has nothing to do with wind power.
Billy Connolly makes eggs with cranberries while Delia Smith was a Glaswegian shipyard welder. The two are often confused.
The only sure way to kill a postman is by hitting him just below the knee with a sock filled with hob nobs.
Shadow home secretary Oliver Letwin was one of the vocalists for the original 'Blankety Blank' theme.
In 1999, NASA received a transmission from outer space that consisted of Donald Sinden singing Queen's 'Bohemian Rhapsody'
The word "nuncle" is obscene in all 31 dialects of Esperanto, except that spoken by the Brixton chapter of White Supremacists R Us where it is usually taken to mean "fruit pastry".
The Trappist Order of monks has been excommunicated by the Pope as it has been discovered that their object of worship is a mouse trap set by Jesus in his father's carpentry workshop.
Microsoft is to add an option for "Trappist Order" to Windows Explorer which will sort your files with the quietest first.
I dislike this site and did not miss this game at all during redevelopment. My Great Aunt Sheila is an otter.
Otters otter.
Bob's Aunt Sheila is not particularly great at all.
Fruit Chutney is comprised entirely of ground up bits of old trams.
There is no such word as 'Llama'.
The password to break into the FBI website is 'melons'.
Due to an unfortunate server error involving custard, the next statement will actually be true.
The previous statement is true.
The last statement was true.
This is the last ever statement in this game.
[Boolbar] That's a coincidence, since this is the first.
This is the last day of the first day of the rest of flerdle's fly.
If you use fluoride in Continental Europe you can prevent Prague.
There is no earthly phenomenon which cannot be explained solely in terms of chocolate.
The reason for this is that Dairy Milk is fundamentally linked to all things, but Chrunchie bars are discrete pocket universes.
Mars bars are being produced in greater numbers than ever before, hence the increased gravitational attraction and closer proximity to the planet that was named after them.
I am the very model of a modern Major-General
This is due to all the chocolate I eat.
Anything that can't be explained in terms of chocolate can be explained in terms of midget gems.
Midget gems are handled and regulated through DeLightBeers.
The single most intelligent being in the universe is a wine gum.
Sug mitt arslet ballet
That's the most intelligent thing anyone's said all day
The Sug-Mitt Arslet Ballet's most famous production "Slap My Jammy Badger" involved the cast smearing themselves with jam whilst doing arabesques.
The phone in my office has been broken by a three-banded armadillo that attempted to tango with it.
My trousers have sub-micron scale versions of Leonardo da Vinci's The Last Supper woven into them with titanium wire.
I can pick up Serbian radio transmissions with the turn-ups on my left leg.
Turnips can be used for stumps.
I can pick up Serbia, but France is too heavy.
Cows will fall over if you shake a turnip at them.
Carrickfergus fudge is the only explosive fudge.
However, most sticks of rock will explode readily in the presence of candy floss and a child under the age of 10. This is the real reason they are always so filthy.
Jammy Badger Slapping is illegal in Chiswick
To make up for this, everything else is legal there, which is why Chiswick is world renowned as a pit of moral turpitude.
I once fell into a pit of moral turpentine. It told me off for looking at other strippers.
Testicles are not funny.
I'm having a ball.
I was a late arrival to the Urologists' Ball.
It is illegal to say "slat" north of Inverness
I once went out with a slat, she was a bit of a goer.
Goer is a village in Derbyshire noted for it's slats.
[BtD] It's near the Hamlet of Mathy Caw, I believe.
Yesterday I met a lady who assured me that all that glittered was Gold. She made some interesting purchases too.
glistered not glittered
The custom dictionary is always right.
Roget wrote his thesaurus after losing a bar bet about how many synonyms there are for "harlot".
Roget's real name was actually Roger - but 'Rogers The Saurus' was deemed to be an unsuitable title for such a worthy tome as he might become the victim of crass innuendo.
I have recently pitied the fool that tried to get me onto an aeroplane.
In case of infirmity in old age, I am going to buy a stair-lift to heaven, in case my staircase should prove too arduous a climb.
I have a USB cat.
I catch the Universal Serial Bus to work every morning.
The Universal Cereal Bus stops by every morning. I usually get a bowl of pure bran fiber with marshmallows.
I have a parallel port next to Portsmouth.
I cut down a tree by mistake last week. We're saving the Error Log to burn at Christmas.
"My error log is SoBig...."
The coat of arms for Bromsgrove is a guinea pig rampant and bears the Latin motto Demum, veniunt porci.
This is all true.
Bruce Forsyth actually detests the sight of other people, the sight of other people detests.
Thanks to USB compatibility I can now speak Swahili.
I have just put more RAM in my computer. He was a bit too big so his curly horns are sticking out of my floppy drive.
I have just pawned my knees to raise money to buy a new nose. My original nose was stolen by a collector of nasal hare, a rare breed of leporid.
I have an aging pop singer up my nose....that's right, Cilia Black.
Here is a picture of me on the beach with no clothes on.
The Queen secretly detests corgis, and just keeps them around for show. When no-one is looking, she thwaps them with her royal sceptre.
[snorgle] That makes Projoy proud to be Welsh.
My kaleidoscope has been spelling out secret messages to me for the last five years. Thanks to its efforts I now have a full list of Iraqi weapons deveopment sites and honest lawyers.
One of Queen Victoria's favourite recreations was sipping.
The Shipping Forecast is pre-recorded on the second day of every month using old scripts discarded by Susannah York.
Suzanne Charlton is so short that when she did television weather forecasts she had to stand on a box.
The Sipping Forecast is broadcast on Radio 4 longwave at 3.47am every day. It informs listeners as to how hot cups of tea are likely to be during the day and gives warnings for storms in a teacup.
I recently mistook my bagpies for our cat. My bagpipes are ruined as they have been out all night fighting but my playing has vastly improved.
I also play the trombone.
Personally, I specialise in playing the slide Casiotone.
I tried playing the slide rule, but wound up only being able to tell everyone the exact amount I'd got taller by.
My ISP uses a slide-rule to keep connected to the rest of the Internet. And it's always perfectly reliable, and doesn't ever drop out.
Bagpies are a traditional dish in the lowlands of Surrey. In nearby Sussex they go for the more bijou handbagpies.
The delicacy 'bagpies' is a corruption of 'bagpuss', as the pies were originally coloured in pink and yellow stripes prior to a Japanese buy out.
Parallelograms are just pentagons that have spent too much time in front of the telly and so are out of shape.
Prestatyn snails are the only gymnastic snails!
The ringtone on my mobile phone is John Cage's 4'33". Annoyingly, no-one calls anymore.
Boolbar] Are you quite sure that is not the one by Mike Batt that I have on my mobile? If you listen very carefully you can hear muffled cries of ecstasy as Mme. Cholet and Tomsk were ‘Wombling’ on top of the mixing desk while it was being recorded. This explains why the volume was turned down so low.
I have just been ratified by sixteen foreign ministers at the UN headquarters in Geneva.
Ratification is illegal in 16 states (but not Utah, where it is obligatory), the Falkland Islands, Cuba, and occasionally Budapest.
Since the surprise handover of power in Cuba last week, the inhabitants have been spending much of their time with puzzled frowns and scratched brows as they try to fathom out the town planning alterations enacted by new President, Erno Rubik. Some tower block residents have found that they have to enter their building sideways via an outside door on the fifth floor, and then are still not sure whether their flat has moved again since they left for work that morning.
In an effort to be more accessible and interesting, the UN is replacing all its international accords with international accordions.
The Accordion Plot should have been a story in Sylvester McCoy's last season in Doctor Who, but, fortunately, the BBC pulled the plug.
There was a mysterious old tramp in the tube station this morning tunelessly playing a Kyoto Protocol.
It is now lawful to have tunes in tube stations. They help you breathe more easily.
Under terms from the Johannesburg Earth Summit, tube stations must now be redecorated with leaves to promote a healthy atmosphere and provide excuses for late services.
Russia's Volga River has just declared bankruptcy, with debts of over seventy trillion roubles. Experts are currently scratching their heads over how it can be made to liquidate.
Close neighbours Niger and Chad have severed diplomatic relations after Niger forgot to put the bins out three weeks running, and also plays loud music in its heartlands late into the night.
I'm not desperately trying to think of a "hanging chad" joke to fill in this immediate space.
Pomegranites have been declared illegal in Lichtenstein. Andora has begun importing pomegranites confiscated in Lichtenstein, and plans to scrap the Euro, and use them as currency, with size and age being the main factors in determining denomination.
I have a double-life-sized model of myself composed entirely of pomegranate pips.
"Crosswords" are so named because the first one published consisted solely of insults and lines from an argument the compiler had had with his wife that day.
I'm the urban spaceman, baby.
Tuj don't exist.
Astatine is the only element not to belong to a trade union.
Tujes always come in pairs, and are never seen alone. Projoys flock, and DrQu+xums herd. The collective noun for MC players is a gaggle, obviously.
Bob the dogs come in packs of seven. It is usually six, but there is a special offer on at the moment.
Many people enjoy living on ashrams, but these are now full up and will need emptying and wiping with a cloth by the barmaid.
I spend nearly all my time in a state of grace, and the remainder in a state of Grayson.
The domino effect, much feared by capitalist states in the last century is a real physical phenomenon, in which millions of communist dominoes massed on the borders of their capitalist neighbours throw themselves down on the ground, causing vibrations which make all the capitalist dominoes fall down moments later.
Simon Bolivar suffered from a bad case of bolivs, hence his name.
An interregnum is a period in between Reginalds.
An optimist is a man who looks after your eyes and a pessimist is a man who looks after your feet.
Bumble bees exist in a state of quantum flux, so that they never exist in one place with more than a 50% probability.
The part of a bumble bee which is not in the place where the bee is observed is called the bumble be-not.
Kiwi fruit are rather misleadingly named, since they in fact ripen into wallabies.
Nothing is better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
Lemons are made out of melons.
My stairs are made out of apples and pears.
Camberwell is radioactive again this afternoon.
There is no such thing as this-ness.
There's no this-ness like show-this-ness!
Loch Ness is the state of being like a Loch.
I regularly experience feelings of Lochness.
[Dunx] The latest theories in quantum apiology demonstrate that bumble bees cannot exist in a solitary state - they are always in a diapis form, known as the 2bee. On observing the diapis, the waveform collapses into either a present bee or the not present bee, in other words 2bee or not2bee.
Ibid is an unacknowledged genius. And Icelandic.
[Ibid] Ah - that explains a lot.
My parents were professional drinks coasters.
[Projoy] What a coincidence - my parents used to surf in a pint of Guinness left at the back table of the snug of the Kings Toenail pub in Wigan.
Spoons call lying snugly together "peopling"
Rambert Dance Company is a hotbed of satanism.
There are no suspicious practicioners of satanic square dancing across the road fom me. I am not scared.
As well as writing a Left-Hand Concerto for Paul Wittgenstein, who lost his arm in the war, Maurice Ravel wrote a No-Hands Concerto in G, in which the unfortunate amputee soloist prevails upon a fellow pianist to pick out the notes on his behalf.
[Pace BTG and Projoy] I often experience feelings of Lochnesslessness.
I have never experienced writer's blo
Labrador retrievers are entirely composed of tuna fish sandwiches
Marie Stopes wore the same body stocking for the whole of her thirties.
Body stocking is widely frowned upon by the authorities.
This week is National Spot the Aardvark week.
*points at Projoy* You have been spotted.
I have decided not to participate in National Spot the Aardvark week because my paint has dried up.
Swordmakers have discovered a fabulous new alloy based on sponge cake, which is stronger, lighter, and more delicious than anything based on steel. However, the more traditional swordsmiths have refused to use this alloy since it would render the phrase "a taste of cold steel" meaningless.
Princes all have little self-destruct buttons under the hair on the backs of their heads. They also have extendable power cords.
The cost of princes has remained fairly stable over the last 10 years, according to the Retail Prince Index.
I am the aardvark formally known as prince.
The auto-erotic sales section of our local paper advertises car-phone-sex-lines. Titles include Home-Alone Fiat Panda, Escort Service and MOT and Lick My Volvo.
That's nothing. There's a card in the telephone box round the corner advertising the favours of an Intercity locomotive. Goes like the 4.15 from Paddington, apparently.
Tomorrow is International Walk Like A Pirate Day. Arrr!!
With a parrot on my shoulder and a cutlass in my hand, I am spying on Kate Bush while hiding in her shrubbery. That's right, it's International Stalk Like A Pirate Day, arrrr!
I wanted to pick up on this running gag, but I can't owing to my wooden leg.
Long John Silver's horse had three wooden legs.
And, strangely, his dining table kept falling over.
The most famous pirate who ever sailed the seven seas was Gilbert Perkins, whom fate had destined to be a chartered accountant, but, by pure freak of chance, was given misleading advice by a senile careers advisor at the end of his O-levels.
Perkins would have had no chance at accountancy. He was half Irish, half Scottish, a quarter Canadian, two-thirds Polish, and seven-eighths Nigerian, so his teachers dismissed him as being mathematically impossible.
There may only be seven seas now, but there was an eighth until its warranty ran out and it sank.
Pirates are a myth created by a subterrainean bureaucracy that has severe spelling difficulties to mask it's activities with the King of Canada's daughter
tongue twisters make baby jesus cry
Jesus is the Son of God. Damn! No-one will buy that rubbish! Yarr!
Jesus is a cry baby. (Three nails and a briar never hurt anyone!)
I'm afraid I can't write a lie here at the moment as I'm too busy composing my next move for the Furcation Game.
Kimg Hussein of Jordan came to visit me,
and all for the sake of my little nut tree.
and all for the sake of my little nut tree.
That would be "King", of course. It's so confusing....
[matt] You're allowed to Pass...
You should always pass on the inside lane, unless it's raining, when you should use the outside lane. In the case of a dire need to prove something you can pass on the opposite side of the motorway, but only at a major junction. Otherwise, ramming the vehicle in front, especially if it's a minibus, articulated lorry or horse-drawn carriage is obligatory.
Robin Cook wielding a saucepan is the scariest thing on the seven seas.
Queen's 'Seven Seas of Rhye' was originally entitled 'Seven Seas' - much snappier, one would think. Anyway, those vitamin supplement people threatened litigation, Freddie went all huffy and re-named the track just to keep people guessing.
Freddie's earliest idea for the title was, in fact, "Christians can corrupt childrens' CD's, creating chaos", which was then shortened to "7 C's". This proves the monkeys and typewriters theory of probability.
I am David Blaine, this post is another example of my amazing powers - I made a computer with a wifi card out of water.
Each night when no one watches I astrally project into the nearest MacDonalds and wolf down a Big Mac or three.
Three days into my stunt I got bored writing in my journal and instead have started drawing pictures of housebricks.
I can see the pub from here
David Blaine came 'round for a cup of complan this morning.
There's no reason to talk like a pirate now.
I'd be averse to continuing.
I be continuing a verse.
Which is why I contributed a superb and witty last line to the current limerick.
Which is why I contributed a superb and witty last line to the current limerick.
I was going to write a currant Limerick, but couldn't think of a raisin.
Raisin The Titanic was a popular film amongst the dried fruit community.
Former Cincinnati Reds' owner Marge Schott has some wonderful anecdotes about dried fruits.
The National Association for the Advancement of Dried Fruit and Against Fruitist Defamation is campaigning for positive, realistic media portrayals of dried fruit, instead of images in advertisments showing tempting, non-mouldy, appetising, beautifully-coloured and plump dried fruits. Protests have begun and already five food stylists have been the victim of assault by prunes, apricots and papaya. The less radical National Association for Dried Fruit has condemned the attacks. A spokespineapple said "we need to integrate into society, not attack it" as he poured delicious cream over himself and laid in a dish, then proceeding to offer our reporter a spoon.
totally syntax grammar. and unnecessary is
Some radical peanuts, marginalised even among the dry snacks community, have formed "Nuts To You!" a dadaist organisation dedicated to making random piles of peanuts in unexpected contexts. In the latest "happening" three tons of peanuts, both dry roasted and uncooked, assembled in the Virgin Megastore on Times Square. Breakaway cashews attempted to form a rival pyramid on Broadway, but could only command three pounds of their number.
And in related news, there has been a small wok riot in a Chinese Supermarket in Leamington.
Sewage farms are just a myth. They are really a front for the Women's Institute.
... which rather makes you wonder about what's in the jam.
Projoy, you are truly awful. Now I know how you won the Turner Prize.
The General Post Office has largely fallen into obscurity these days, mainly because people don't need Generals posting through the mail any more. However some small businesses are able to fulfil the remaining niche market, such as postmeageneral.com
Circles are only circular on Tuesdays.
Squares have always wanted to be circular, but they've never got round to it.
Triangles have no wish to be square, but they do have guardian angles.
Lines cannot become triangles because they have no three will.
Spheres taste of strawberry, but circles are just plane.
I was going to launch into a discussion of mapping of steeplechase course in non-directed graphs, but then changed my mind when I realised that I don't even understand simple coordinate systems - I didn't want to put Descartes before the horse.
The Spanish government has decided to expel all members of ETA. By making them all leave via a single checkpoint it has effectively put all its Basques in one exit. (Points at Dunx: "Well, he started it!!")
Kim. That was not clever or funny.
[Dunx/Kim] Your posts have made me feel unhappy. Boo! Hiss!
My house is carpeted with Golden Syrup, so the floors are always beautifully flat.
I have a problem with rug addiction.
Rug addiction is a major cause of cream.
I've just been arrested for cruelty to parrots. Apparently you really can't have a macaque and eat it.
A macaque is a kind of parrot. It's nothing to do with monkeys at all.
I like marmot on toast for breakfast.
I tried to light a fire in my canoe once, but it sank. Seems you can't have your kayak and heat it.
"No, just disgracing a politican is enough...you can't have your Aitken beaten too."
As soon as I get out of bed in the morning I stand in front of the mirror practicising all the stances I am going to take that day. On the days I forget to do this, I am forced to stand to attention the whole day for fear of forgetting how to do the more complex stances and embarrassing myself.
I have 7 stances, 5 positions, 4 mannerisms, 3 poses and an attitude in my repertoire.
My vocabulary consists of just six words.
I don't have a vocabulary - I use a specially trained team of mice to type out my formless thoughts.
My vocabulary is white and furry and comes in handy on cold winter days.
There are a lot of highly ranked army chaps stuck to a wall in my house. It's a major sticking point.
I failed to snort painfully with laughter at Boolbar's miltary fib.
"Knees Up Mother Brown" is considered gynaecologically impossible.
I am suffering from irritable vowel syndrome.
The letter 'e' is considered obscene by the Mormons.
The second 'm' in 'Mormon' is silent.
All the letters in "pants" are silent.
There I was walking to Baghdad when this flatfish jumped on me from behind, pinned me to the ground and threatened to smash my face in. I was stuck between Iraq and a hard plaice.
Boolbar's post didn't amuse me in the least
I deliberately used bold there.
A bird in the hand is worth approximately £4.76, allowing for inflation and seasonal adjustment.
A bird in the hand is never a problem for Catholic priests.
Keeping your cock in your hand is no good if you want eggs fertilising.You have to put it down amongst the hens, of course - not really a lie, just a piece of gratuitous smut
My brother has an extemely large cock, which he has to carry around in a wheelbarrow. I don't think he keeps poultry though.
The replacement of the plumbing term "ball cock" with "float valve" is no loss to comedy whatsoever.
I have recently had to stop wearing pants after the neighbours complained about the noise.
Since I am not on holiday for a week I shall be able to post lots of lies.
[Boolbar] I, for one, am overjoyed for your lack of lies. </lie> Enjoy your holiday. <lie>
When Billy Connolly retires the 'f' word will disappear from the Scottish language - or the language of the Scots, whatever/whichever you prefer!
There is a forthcoming Hollywood blockbuster called'Squirrelzilla'. It stars Morgan Freeman and Dame Judi Dench.
Last night I had a nighmare about an antique hand-crafted Meershaum Briar. It transpired, however, that it was all just a pipe dream.
I have just watched a football match between Dagenham and Redbridge and Brighton and Hove Albion, but 44 players on the pitch made it too confusing.
Don't forget there are only 3 days until Xmas.
Unless you're Orthodox, then it was last month. Damn that Julian Calendar!
The Julian Calendar was supplemented in 1714 by the Sandy Calendar.
The top floor of the Swiss Re building in London is full of penguins.
50% of George Bush's vocabulary was learnt from mice.
Hyde Park is kept green by trained marmosets fertilising the grass.
Dreaming of duck-billed platypuses represents temporary monetary gain, followed by a messy divorce.
The first male human clone is rumoured to be capable of marsupial nurturing of echindnas.
When I go out to Gordon and Sheila’s Pommy-Aussie Chip Shop, I always have a Snake and Echidna pie with a can of Koala.
I just have one question. George Bush has a vocabulary?
Mandy Rice-Davies became a chrysalis shortly after the Profumo scandal broke and emerged as John Prescott.
Playing Mornington Crescent at 3am is an adequate substitute for sleep.
[JLE] Works for me.
[Angus] George W Bush is fluent in at least one language.
Ibid] I did not laugh out loud at that.
[JLE] Playing Mornington Crescent at 1am is better than sex.
I can think of plenty of things to write here now.
I am pining for the fjords?
Pine is the new oak.
Chorleywood, Northwood, St.John's Wood, Colliers Wood, and Oakwood have disappeared off the map to be replaced by Poplar, the 'Oaks' Royal and Gospel, and Becontree - which only goes to prove that you can't see the wood for the trees.
It didn't really take me 15 minutes to work out my last posting.
I had the radio on earlier, and it was You and Yours, but I did not listen.
"They", or even worse, "Them" always do things that you would never do.
Snot is the new plasticine.
And, unfortunately for anyone with a cold, plasticine is the new snot.
The collective term for female dogs is "an embarrassment".
Volvic mineral water is filtered through five hundred layers of solid granite, then three of marshmallow as a special treat, before being shot dead, then bottled in the wild.
I know this because I spent 20 years as a specialist Volvic hunter.
My computer is made of leather.
The word "Volvic" is not rude at all.
Up your volvic, Dunx!
[Dunx] I'm very sorry - that was not meant to be bold. Force of habit. I was oly pointing out that the meaning of a word depends greatly on its context. No offence intended to you or your volvic.
By using the Preview option, your carefully directed and sensitively chosen words will appear in a Bold font with an exclamation mark and 'leap off the page'. Don't worry, no-one will laugh.
Having someone laugh at you, or even adopt a knowing smirk, usually makes one feel good.
The word 'smirk' has no comedy potential whatsoever.
"Comedy Potential" is the scientific term for the difference of humour levels between the poor sod on stage and the audience and has been proven to often achieve negative levels.
Famous as the longest river in the world, the route of the Amazon is a good deal more complex than most people realise. Rising in Lake Balkash in Kazhakstan it flows through Tien Shan in the direction of Urumqi in Sinkiang Uighur, from whence it diverts sharply south towards Tibet, running eventually alongside the Himalayas for hundreds of miles before running parallel to, and in time joining, the Yellow River running towards the Pacific Ocean. It then disentagles itself from the Yellow River and runs back uphill for a while, then downhill again before climbing to a height of 50 feet above sea level, whereupon it is channeled into an aqueduct which it uses to cross the Pacific Ocean, by way of Manila and the Marshall Islands. It comes ashore at Tijuana, Mexico, and tours the perimeter of the town, taking the occasional photograph. It then catches the 13.45 train to San Diego, over the border, where it converts its yuans into US dollars and uses them to go see a movie before staying at the Embarcadero Hotel overnight. In the morning, it rises before dawn and dresses in camelskin pyjamas and pumps. It crosses the street and walks five blocks to Mason Avenue S., then calls in at number 453. It climbs the stairs, turns left on the landing and goes to third door on the right. After knocking and waiting patiently for a few moments for the door to be opened, it asks if Billy can come out to play. The Amazon river and Billy then bound down the stairs two at a time and go play in the park, especially on the roundabout. Eventually there is a tearful separation as the river wends on its course to San Diego airport, where it checks in its silt, is checked for security and takes the 16.30 flight to Lima. It arrives with a freshly pressed shirt and attends a meeting with dignitaries from Japan, and gives a presentation on the expanding pirhana market. Finally it is kidnapped by international terrorists and smuggled over the border to Brazil, then dumped in the Amazon basin, where it runs via Manaus to the Atlantic coast, carrying vast amounts of silt and freshwater life into the ocean.
The Titanic was lunched in 1912.
I carefully read and understood all of Projoy's short and pithy statement.
Projoy was obviously pithed when he typed that. It's not big and it's not clever.
I'm not that big but I am pretty clever. A bit like Chalks, in that respect. I blow my own trumpet, for Rosie's sake, in B flat, one would say.
How gloriously comprehensible this all is. Squirrel.
Nicknamed "the Welsh Windbag" by Private Eye magazine and "Kinocchio" by the Tories, Projoy had the thankless task of leading the Labour Party during its so-called "unelectable" period. Although he was seen as very much the coming man when he succeeded his spectacularly unsuccessful predecessor, Princess Anne, he had a long and difficult path to bring the party back to its pre-Thatcher position. Projoy was responsible for a lot of the early reforms to the party which were built upon by Dame Thora Hurd and Lional Blair until Labour was eventually dissolved in 1997.
That makes me proud to be a windbag.
The Labour Party stands for the less privileged in our society.
I can spell privelged, privelidged (oh, bugger!) # cuts and pastes ... privileged.
Politicians are all highly intelligent beings, and also very attractive.
Angus is looking at the world through rose tinted NHS glasses.
I am fascinated by party political conferences - they are just so relevent to everyday life.
Criminologists all have something green on their desks.
Criminologists are all scoundrels, knaves, rogues, blighters and cads. In my day, you could get a life sentence for criminology and there was far less of it about. In my opinion this so-called government should bring back the cat-o-nine-tails, the thumbscrew, the rack, the Iron Maiden and Noels House Party.
I've been to one of Noel Gallagher's house parties. It was quite stuffy, but he did do his party piece -- his impression of Neville Chamberlain.
Noel Gallagher is also highly intelligent and very attractive. A complete charmer and a gentleman.
Noel Gallagher also calls himself simply "Gaagher", although he avoids using this name near Star Trek fans for fear of being confused with a Klingon dish of blood worms.
Klingon blood worms are delicious
If you ever see someone dressed as a Klingon, the traditional greeting is to punch them in the stomach.
Cling film makes a sylish turban for those bad hair days.
sp/stylish
Turban is the latest 'buzz word' for a normally aspirated internal combustion engine - excluding, of course, Wankel designs, which have a totally different mode of operation.
Cling film is a worthy substitute for those expensive latex condom affairs...
Prophylactics can be used to help keep food fresh. (Actually, they probably can...)
Popups are good! Everyone loves popups! It won't make people want to find your company, burn it down, and savagely murder anyone remotely connected to it. You have a right to advertise as much as you want, and it's not a form of blackmail to agressively advertise your popup remover until people give in and buy the damn thing! NO, NOT AT ALL!
I love popups, too. Such fun! And road humps. Up and down goes the car. I gurgle with childish glee.
I refuse to use Mozilla Firebird because of its built-in pop-up blocker.
Pop-ups are the new spam. Why can't they be canned as well?
Pop-up spam is a delicacy that can be enjoyed by all who have a toaster.
Software has grasped the essential conceit of this game.
That last comment wasn't a mere cheap shot resulting from a grumpy mood.
Richard Whitely used to be an Olympic figure skater.
The British Library contains all the manuscripts of Peter B. Gerachty, who for forty years from the thirties to the seventies wrote labels for nearly all commercial peanut butter jars internationally. Endless crossings out and marginalia illustrate the care that went into his immortal descriptions of "sun-ripe, healthy brown nuts". His works were translated into more than a hundred languages.
Circus acts often have their clothes made from serving trays. Every clown has an salver lining.
I love deadlines.
- Especially where REALLY big essays are involved
In 1960,Tog became the fifth member of the Beatles. It's unclear exactly what animal he was - possibly a cross between a rabbit and a squirrel, but he was a pianist of extraordinary talent and profound insight. Tog brought a powerful virtuosity and intimate lyricism to the Beatles music. Sadly, the appointment of another stuffed toy angered Yoko Ono and contributed to the Beatles inevitable break-up. In 1969, Tog left the Beatles and formed the now legendary Pogles, changing the face of British rock and roll forever. Sadly, he died in 1977, when someone dropped a Clanger.
The camber on my road is so great that I need a pitons and a rope just to cross to the other side.
Luckily, Chickens can fly so they are unaffected by the problem.
[Projoy] Surely if that becomes a problem you can move out of Camberwell -- after all, isn't in implicit in the name?
Iain Duncan Smith (all three of them) lives in Camberwick
County and borough boundaries in the UK are all marked by a small unbroken line of yellow (or sometimes ultramarine) bricks. All the brick lines together make a giant turf maze. There is a prize for anyone who makes it to the middle.
Camber Sands is being marketed as the English Ski resort. However, water skiing is banned until heaven is a half pipe.
Rolf from The Muppets is generally considered the greatest classical pianist of the twentieth century.
Yellowstone Park is so called because many of the rocks there will scream blue murder if struck with a mallet.
Purbright is the centre of the Universe.
Everyone in Crewe is a Zoroastrian, but no-one has had the heart to tell them.
Seven-week old babies are quite happy to let you have a good night's sleep, as long as they are persuaded by sound, logical argument that it is the right thing for them to do. And they never shit all over you.
Seven weak, old babies just stole my shopping.
Seven wee cold babies are perfect for draft insultion.
Severn wake oiled babies should be carefully peeled before eating.
The Severn Bore is nevertheless more interesting than most politicians.
"Severn Wives For Severn Brothers" is the title of my new screenplay.
7 is the current number of weapons of mass destruction found in Iraq. As yet, none have been found in America.
7, contrary to popular misconception, is, in fact, the lonliest number.
7 is also carnivorous, for as we all know, 7 8 9
We also know that when three French cats, called Un, Deux and Trois, went out in a sailing boat and that boat struck a rock, Un, Deux, Trois cats sank.
The rising sea-level Cinque Ports.
Puns are impossible in French.
The Germans have no sense of humour
The whole country is gripped by the Conservative party conference.
I would never consider moving to Canada, especially if Arnold Schwarzenegger were elected to a major political position.
Canadians are well known for all dressing as Mounties all of the time.
Mounties are famous for standing around in groups singing songs about lumberjacks.
Martina Navratilova used to be a lumberjack, or should that be a lumberjill. No, a lumberjack.
I sleep all night and work all day.
The Beatles were right chuffed when I donated to them the words for 'A Hard Day's Night'.
Florence Nightingale experienced a life-changing dilemma when she was presented with the choice of marrying T E Lawrence or Sam Torrance. She rejected both on account of their utterly ridiculous surnames and instead, went on to make a successful career out of singing in Berkeley Square.
Berkley Square is actually a 'retirement' home for loud dogs. There is only one resident at any given time. New 'inductees' are required to combat the current resident in a fight to the death. Needless to say, the top-dog is always a right mongrel. .......[Chalky] Classic, I actually laughed out loud!
Florence Nightingale's biggest hit was "Crimea River".
She also worked on a duet with Simply Red - 'Night Nurse' of course. Incidently, that was their best song ever.
Prams cannot be fooled by merely placing a baby-sized package of flour in them.
</lie>[Projoy] Fantastic!<lie>
</lie>[Projoy] Fantastic!<lie>
Pram is the abbreviation of diazepram
Squash is so named from the lack of space in the court. Professional players enjoy the mixed doubles most.
Lady Chatterley's first name was actually Natalie.
The email address of the hero of Joseph Heller's novel and film is Khatchachurian22@....
Paradoxes of time can be a problem. For instance, I'm just about to shoo
The plot of The Pirates of Penzance was originally going to revolve around items of clothing, hence the trio 'A Pair of Socks, a pair of socks, a most int'resting pair of socks'
Una Stubbs is a keen blancmange knitter, and has created a range of stunning 'jelly' socks. A blancmange knit stitch is formed by inserting the needle in the front of the jelly loop and pulling a cream loop of yarn through to form a new mixed loop. A purl stitch is formed by inserting the needle in the back of the cream loop and pushing a jelly loop of yarn through to form a mixed loop.
Una's other clothing innovations include the Jelly-Roll-neck sweater and a classic wobble-hat.
Una's other clothing innovations include the Jelly-Roll-neck sweater and a classic wobble-hat.
E numbers refer to the number of cats that had to die in order to bring you the additive. This is why you never see an e number with .5 on the end (unless the manufacture of the product involved quantum physics experiments).
E120 is Crinoline Yellow, and causes hyperactivity in those with big hooped skirts
I have not just speculated on why "crinoline yellow" might be a plausible name for a color.
Every sequel is inevitably better than the first movie.
(Projoy, re E numbers) Schrödinger would have understood.
The US govt. is discussing expanding the US, and currently has a set of designers in who are commissioned with designing a possible 51st state. The Senate committee in charge of the project have agreed that they'd like something in green, with maybe some yellow at the edges. They want the new state to have a purple flag, and its brand identity must involve concepts such as fun, forestry and ideally, oil. Street parties and schools with spectacular water features will also figure heavily, according to the glossy prospectus. Ideas for a name so far include Pachydermia, Republicanland and GOP-ia. An interesting detail of the plan is that the state will have a projected population of 1,500 - and the same number electoral college votes in Presidential elections.
Archeologists have just found the pyramid housing the tomb of Queen Victoria
Archeologists are people who study long running Radio 4 soap operas.
</lie> [Ibid] That's not too far off, is it? <lie>
[Projoy] Currently, this state is planned to be build in a quiet backwater in the Middle East, in a country called Iraq.
This morning I ceded from the United Kingdom. Anyone who wants to speak to me must now pass through customs and pay a landing tax.
[BM] The Peoples' Independent State of Qu+xum is willing to accept an ambassador from your state, and vice-versa.
I am in State Usquo, which exports Rock in all over the world.
The TV Quiz Show, Fifteen to One has recently gone binary.
I watched tonights episode of "Who Wants to be a 11110100001001000000aire".
My age looks much nicer in hexadecimal.
My doctor recently advised me that aging is a totally unnecessary process and is caused by eating.
My doctor told me that heart attacks can be caused by blocked archery.
If you try dialling my phone number in binary, you get through to the emu house at London Zoo.
The emu house at London Zoo is pink and shaped like a windmill.
Flamingos are really swans. But someone put them in the wash with a Man Utd shirt on 'non-fast coloureds' instead of 'delicates' and they emerged all lumpy, stretched-out and pink. [ ... had to be done. Ref. laundry - Banter & Limericks].
And by the same process, but with shrinking, we get red pandas.
Edwina Currie washed John Major's y-fronts with an octopus.
That last statement makes perfect sense.
My old man's a dustman.
The day Wednesday was invented by Lloyd Anderson, an industrialist from Kentucky.
Andrew Lloyd Webber invented cheese.
Tim Rice egged him on.
Goats' cheese can cure fifteen known major diseases, and thirty-seven unknown minor ones.
The electric lightbulb was invented 20 years before electricity was discovered.
The Electric Light Bulb were a pop/prog-rock band in the late 70's and early 80's. Their stadium performances were renowned for their stunning light shows.
I have just written a children's book called The Ninety Day Quest of Salif Ramak.
The term "progressive rock" was coined from an NME article when they described the experience of listening to an early Marillion album as: "like swallowing a small rock and feeling it progress through your intestines until it bursts out of your bum bringing with it all the putrid garbage that it gathered along the way"
Tea did not spurt copiously from my nose when reading Huxleys posting.
I didn't do any spurting and what's more - this game doesn't amuse me in the least.