It was my idea to make car windscreens transparent- before 1936 all windscreens were made from vinegar and rope, and presented many difficulties in ascertaining if the wipers were functioning correctly, nevermind actually driving.
Contrary to popular belief, the Seoul Tower is not the tallest builing in the world- The tallest building is infact my house. Not instantly obvoius, my apparent 'bungelow' has been constructed in a 800 metre deep pit, the lower 399 floors are of soil/bedrock construction, with the top floor being of brick and wax
In an unprecedented deal, tube station Queens Park, formerly on the Bakerloo line, has been signed for £7m to join the Docklands Light Railway. It is hoped that the legendary station will restore the fortunes of DLR both in the all-Underground champions' league and the Limehouse Under-5 basketball challenge.
Apart from tranparent car windscreens, I also invented the cup handle. Early experiments in 1976, which involved carving prototypes from ice proved rather successful, but when production commenced in India in 1980 an alternative material was sourced. For 14 years all subsequent cup handles were constructed form grass cuttings. In 1994 I successfully established a method of attaching the handle to the cup. An unbelievable tale of how two seemingly unrelated inventions can be combined to produce a really useful containment vessel for hot brown liquids.
Pelgis is lying. I actually invented the cup handle (and attachment technique) in 1972, but the patent office refused my submission on the grounds I was only 5 years old.
Keith Barron (David Pearce in BBC classic comedy 'Duty Free') had the outstanding ability to respire using oxygen derived from the breakdown of water molecules using his hair. This enabled him to spend lengthy periods underwater without surfacing. Unfortunatley he also produced vast quantities of hydrogen as a by-product, and was responsible for a number of explosions in the South Yorkshire area.
It was revealed in last night's Evening Post that 'First Avon and Somerset' is an anagram of 'We want to hurt every resident in the Bath area personally'.
The concept of the 'Geostationary orbit' was concieved by Floella Benjeman and Hamble, and falsly claimed by Arthur C Clarke. However it was Arthur C's idea to use different shaped magic windows in Playschool.
I recently fell in love. Love has the texture and colouring of watery Turkish delight. It took me ages to get my clothes clean and even now I'm followed everywhere by an army of tom cats with amorous expressions.
I'm certainly not listening to Dolly Parton's 9 to 5 mixed with Röyksopp's Eple and enjoying the hell out of it. Or bopping my head along with it in the library. Or getting funny looks.
Used hand handgrenades are a very rare commodity, therefore their prices are extortionatly inflated. Beware of people selling new ones and claiming that they are used- they may infact be lying.
Fact- I left home this morning, not realising that I had infact left my car keys behind. Imagine my surprise when I arrived at work and realised this, and wondered how I had infact got there successfully...........
I am not at all pleased that planning for the Rugby Pilg 2 seems to be gathering momentum with a good crowd of participants. I'm dreading the whole thing.
In Shakespearean times it was in fact perfectly OK for women to appear on stage, contrary to popular opinion. But you know what actors are like, any excuse for some transvestitism. The Bard himself was known as "Big Wilhelmina" at the weekends.
when they change everything around at work, it makes for a hilarious shift. [/lie]I should stop using this game to complain about my job, I suppose. this'll be the last one.[lie]
In the event that my postulations continue to reverberate in such lonely fashion, I shall be forced to set off o'er yonder hillock for the purpose of procuring compounds designed to precipitate a psychological episode of the type not at all advocated by the human resources department.
onion bahjis have just peaked at $0.14 a barrel on the US commodities market- this is due to a siginficant increase in the demand from China, South Korea and South Yorkshire
Scientists working at the University of Tegiucigalpa have just announced the first scotch egg with a rudimentary consciousness. The scotch egg was conscious for less than 4 picoseconds, but in that time it managed to think about doing some ironing.
The human brain is often described as being like porridge. Sadly, few people extend this idea, for if they did, and added brown sugar and golden syrup to their brain, and gave it a good stir, it would actually work rather better.
There is a new vegetarian restaurant opening in Charlotte Street, London devoted solely to gnocchi. Little Dumplings (as it is called) is the brainchild of Leonardo and Sylvia Flavorisimo, originally of Naples. The gnocchi will be served plain or with a light grey sauce.
Boris Kerfuffle (74) has maintained all his life that you won't get far in the world unless you can master crêpe paper. He himself has a car made from nothing but crêpe paper and, if he had a lot more money, would be a millionaire.
after today's exploits, I think I might become a train conductor. it seems so much fun. in an unrelated note, i'm in love with all three of arriva trains wales, virgin trains and first great western trains.
Help help! Retail store fashion mannequins from Next and Burtons have just burst through the door and are shooting everyone with their hands! I reckon that the Birmingham wheel has been used as some kind of mega transmitter device by aliens capable of turning plastic into organic life forms and controlling them with the aim of annihilating humanity! Now where did I leave that bottle of cellulose thinners?
Scientists have conclusively proved that the most satisfied a human can be is when it has removed all the grit from under its fingernails, provided there are no oranges in the vicinity.
By rubbing in a tablespoon of lemon juice, a tablespoon of malt vinegar and a tablespoon of single malt whiskey to a stain on white or pale fabric, one can easily add three new types of stain to one's laundry!
Today I've been enjoying abnormally frequent intestinal evacuations with fluid stools, my doctor told me it was diarrhoea, and has a tendanancy to run in our family.
A young lady in down-town Macclesfield repeatedly makes the same observation about the inclemency of the weather. Looks like this is another case for SARCASTIC RABBIT!
"My teenage son Clarence is 3'4" tall and prefers dressing in green tights as opposed to the traditional red of the Cringle family. I shall surprise him next Christmas with a strand of my DNA seeing as he does not possess one already."
In England and Wales, any citizen may establish a local tradition by application to English Heritage (Office of Tradishment), with documentary evidence that the prospective traditional act has been carried out in the same public place in at least three consecutive years, by a group of not less than five people on each occasion. Known as a Listed Tradition, it is then legally required to be performed in perpetuity or until delisted by permission of the same body.
I used to be the person who reads the dictionary on Countdown, but I left to become a team captain on Call My Bluff. After 13 highly successful seasons on the show, I was awarded the OBE in 1992 and died at my home near Clacton-on-Sea two years later, aged 84.
Strictly in the interest of genetics, I have isolated [outside the laboratory] a unique recombinant strain thru the combined molecular DNA's of various kisses [i.e. Eskimo, French, Aussie, Butterfly, Rose Petal, Rainbow, Strawberry, Whip Cream, Hershey's, etc.] and all it required was procuring a cheek swab from Paris Hilton.
The earliest known steeplejack came about in the horrible blizzard of 1547 when Angus McCrass rode his donkey into town and tethered it to what he assumed was the hitching post. Unaware the town was completely covered with snow, Angus McCrass wandered off in search of the tavern and presumably became disoriented and ultimately perished of frostbite. In the aftermath of the thaw, his body was not found, only his ass! [Swinging from the church steeple.]
Improve your general health by inhaling the miracle gas Carbon Monoxide. After only ten minutes or so the medicinal benefits will become obvious to all who see your rosy complexion.
The first spin doctor was Dr Hadrian Gapp, adviser to President Taft. Although he was a great innovator in the field, there was much still to learn and he soon came to regret his advice to the great man on securing election victory, which was to campaign wrapped in frayed, greying bandages, repeatedly moaning, "Must... replenish!"
By wearing the cape of fruitinessTM, I can make over-loud, urbane conversation in art galleries while wearing yellow spats, and not be thought an utter fool.
This advice in from the National Film Tutors and Allotment Union: "the very best clothes to wear for an important interview this week are Little Lord Fauntleroy doublet and hose; A massive ruff of at least 4ft diameter and Disney "Eat Me" shoes.
In the 1951 general election the swingometer swung so far that although Labour won massively, the arrow went right round and Winston Churchill's Conservatives ended up getting all of the available seats, plus 60 extra. Not only was there a massive fight for office space at the Commons, but the 60 additional MPs had to find previously unrepresented parts of the world to be their constituencies. Sir Reginald Twice-Muchly represented the town of Omsk and Hubert Hankering-After had to deal with constituency business for the whole of South America.
Keats wrote the immortal words "Silent upon a peak in Darien" while riding the Number 4 omnibus to Kettering. Having composed the phrase, but with no paper handy, he repeated it to himself over and over until he was ejected from the 'bus at Burton Latimer, which forced him to walk the rest of the way. Ironically, the line is utterly forgotten now, by everyone.
Most of Bertolt Brecht's plays were actually written by Elizabeth of Glamis, the future Queen Mother. The two had an affair lasting seven years, until Edward VIII abdicated and Elizabeth was forced to abandon Germany, her growing Marxism and her anti-borgeouis stance for unwanted luxury and nationalism.
To clear the build up of sludge in your sump, oil pump and lubricant distribution channels, drain all your existing oil from the car and gently pour a small amount of nitroglycerine into the oil filler. Wait five minutes and then start the car.
today I experienced the laxative effects caused by consuming copious amounts of coconut milk, I enjoyed this experience thoroughly and plan to do it tomorrow again!
I'm a retired greyhound, and extremely relieved that pelgis will no longer ride me around a dirt-track each night in pursuit of a rabbit we'd more easily catch if we intercepted it going the other way.
erm... nope. No lie. That's not to say I could trust Projoy one jot after seeing his performance here... admiring someone's lies is bit of a backhanded complimentisn't it?
I once held a party at which everyone got extremely stoned (on what I shall leave to your imagination). We ended up playing 'Animals', not the version we played on the pilg but the strip version where every time you lost and became the chicken you had to take off an item of clothing. It wasn't long before everyone at the party was completely naked.
A friend of mine (for the sake of this I shall call him 'Phil') was an extremely hairy fellow. He was very proud of his nudity and ran outside into our garden (it was late evening and the light was failing). He plucked a chrysanthemum, put it between the cheeks of his bot and jumped up and down in the window so that everyone at the party could see.
We all thought this was so funny that we ran out of the house to join him - and that is how I invented the 'Flower Game'.
To play you need a squarish lawn, a bunch of chrysanthemum and no inhibitions. Simply hold the flower firmly between your cheeks and run around on the lawn trying to catch someone else’s flower without dropping or loosing your own. The last player to retain his flower is the winner.
In last year's production of Macbeth, I came on in Act II, as Macduff, and in order to demonstrate that Macduff was a proper straight, regular bloke, I decided in rehearsals that he'd just come back from a beery evening with Lennox and would take a leak up against the castle wall, showing just what a manly, manly man he really was (What's that you say? Overcompensation?).
Anyway, at the dress rehearsal, I was distracted by trying to remember the lines in order and on making my entrance, went to the back wall and mimed unzipping the old bags and whomping out the python (you see, I can "do" straight man vernacular). Except that my mind was elsewhere and I entirely forgot to mime, slightly to the surprise of the people standing in the wings. Luckily I came to myself before I actually followed through.
...and it's odd because I was much too nervous to get my dick out when I did Equus, ten years before, when it was actually called for. Method acting clearly comes unbidden.
I once did a naked sketch based on the old Levi's "Heard it through the Grapevine" advert. I'll say no more. It might just sneak into cabaret next pilg...
Yes, roiling around on a thin crust over a boiling planet, getting ready to hurl us into a gaseous cloud of our own making. But, now for something completely different.
Unbelievable but true - I saw a 14-yr-old girl walking down my road not talking into a mobile phone, or fiddling with the buttons, and appeared even not to have such a device about her person.
Today my thoughts have been mainly about a hairdresser giving the best haircut she'll ever give in her life to a man who will be decapitated the next day
long long ago in a distant tyme before god ever contemplated man earth was one vast stage without props nor music nor aspiring actors until one fateful night alongside a goat trail in the far himalayas a camel cricket farted and the audience busted out in a laughter that has not abated to this day
The writer of the human genome was the founder of the National Association of Dyslexics (D.N.A.)and also belonged to the Association of Certified Genetic Tricksters (A.C.T.G.)
I present a motion we turn a thoroughbred stud horse out to pasture with that mare on the moon, and raise us a nonpareil colt to enter in the Kentucky Derby, all those opposed say neigh!