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World's Worsest
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Start with World's Worst Chat Up Lines, till it wears out then start a new topic.
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Forgive me, I've heard it's true my child has to share a class with those of inferior races. This surely isn't true?
He's almost potty-trained.
So? May I see your report?
Don't you worry. It's just the measles he has. You can just excuse my Paul from gym class while the other kids are there. That's all.
Could you please put her in for early GCSEs? I know she's only four, but there must be a waiting list we can join?
I'd happily help on Sports day but the judge said I shouldn't be close to children.
Sarah cnat be dyselctic! It dosen't rnu in our fmaiyl.
I want this child statemented for additional support and I want it now. What do you mean, diagnosis? You must have something on your list he's got.
What d'ya mean Jimmy need to stay after school for remedial grammar lessons? He don't need no grammar lessons- he speaks English as well as I does.
Can Tommy be excused PE? He hurt himself in our last satanic worship ritual.
"He's been reciting the bowling averages for every Hampshire cricketer since 1948? Well, I've taught him everything he knows about that."
I know there's a dress code. But Billy insisted on wearing his sister's dress and a hair bow to school this morning and I am a firm believer in non-confrontational childrearing. So I couldn't refuse him, could I?.
"Those scars around his lips? Well, when we think he's being too noisy, we sew his lips together."
"Gooooooood morning, sir" Though maybe only aging Aussies will understand that.
You're a teacher? Oh, teach me, teach me. Please teach me.
"Here, I will lend you me cat-o'-nine-tails. If the child sasses you, flog him like me and the missus do."
We do not allow sugar in our household as it excites passion which may lead to masturbation. Apricots led to Eves fall from grace and the inevitable exile from Eden and must not be partaken thereof. God’s word is explicit in references to fungi and nuts of all kinds which are unclean. Sausages are forbidden as they resemble the male phallus and caused the Philistines to be cast from Judea. Semolina is strictly forbidden. If you had read your Bible, you would know that semolina is the devil's spurm.
I expect the other kids will learn more from Jenny than they will from you.
How much Shakespeare is learned by heart in your classes?
I always said I wanted my child to have all the things I never had. I never acted on my crush on my class teacher, for instance.
As I always say, those that can't do, teach.

New topic time...

THE WORST THINGS TO SAY ON 'WOMAN'S HOUR'
Oprah...who??
Of course, the Bible says that women are to be saved through childbirth.
Now let's run through what you should be preparing for your man when he comes home
Hello, and welcome to Woman's Hour. Put on your dungarees, light a Senior Service, don that boiler suit and it's off down the barber's for a crew cut!
Congratulations on operating your radio correctly - these things are jolly difficult, aren't they?
Gloria Steinem and Erika Jong? No, I've not read anything by those two chicks. Maybe I'll check their books out one of these days in the Public Library's Broads' Section
Why isn't there a "Men's Hour", eh, answer me that? Discrimination, that's what it is!
[Raak] I've long campaigned for a White Middle-class European Male Awareness Week..
[rab] That reminds me of the Onion headline at the beginning of November: "White History Year Resumes"
Our first guest is Wangari Muta Maathai.

You were born in Nyeri, Kenya, East Africa in 1940 and became the first woman in East and Central Africa to earn a doctorate degree. Since then you have become internationally recognized for your persistent struggle for democracy, human rights and environmental conservation. You have addressed the United Nations on several occasions and spoken on behalf of women at special sessions of the General Assembly for the five-year review of the 1992 Earth Summit. In 2004 you were awarded the Nobel peace Prize for your contribution to sustainable development, democracy and peace.

Welcome to Woman’s Hour Wangari. Now tell me, Kenya is a very hot country. What kind of hat do you wear in the summer?
Now we have Sir Randolph Jones to give a talk explaining Gordon Brown's budget the special simplified ladies' language.
Good-evening-ladies. Now-for-the WEATHER. The WEATHER. It-will-be-a-SUNNY-day. A-SUNNY-day. This-means-it-is-a-good-time-to-HANG-YOUR-WASHING. HANG-YOUR-WASHING.
Our feature segments today are "The Little Woman at Home" and "How to Starch and Iron His Shirts". This will be followed by a lovely musical rendition of the all-time favourites - "Stand By Your Man" and "Give the Boy a Hand".
Next kill on woman's your hour, the horror of cot babies death.
Interview subject: Of course, all women would admit the difficulties of menstruation are vastly exaggerated.
And, Of course, as a doctor, if a woman screams during childbirth I know she's faking it. Scientific studies show that the quantities of dopamine released during the birth process render pain impossible while giving birth. It's basically just hysteria and a failure to control the emotions.
And, conversely, I've given birth to three children of my own, and I have to tell all the women listening that my birth process was much more painful than theirs, any day.
C'mon girls, tits out for the lads!
"Perhaps your listeners could tell me why it is that women take nine months to come up with an answer to a very simple question?"
*wonders if it's significant that mostly men are playing this game at the moment*
And continuing with our popular "Successful Women" series, we are most priveleged today to have with us Ethel Hauskochen, the author of "How to Bake a Successful Souffle".
...It is unimportant whether Cherie is benefiting from her position as Prime Minister's wife or not. But I have to admit that I can have little faith in the Labour government when she shows such a blatant lack of understanding for simple style etiquette. I mean - crushed velvet so eighties and green is just not her colour.
We've been having a chat here in the Woman's Hour production office and we've noticed that this whole programme is predicated on the idea that a whole 51% of the populace has interests in common merely on the basis of their sex. Since this assumption is completely patronising and insupportable, we've decided to stop producing the programme. Next on 4, the news for humans.
OK, how aboutWorld's Worst Thing To Say When Visiting A Friend's Church
Merry meet! Did you celebrate the union of the god and the goddess this Litha?
Oh, goody, time for the long pig wafers!
Are those hosts leaded or unleaded?
You hold services in a .... modern building? Well of course one can worship anywhere, but really, isn't this just a group of friends chatting in some meeting room?
(to a female vicar) My dear, I thought you read the service very well, but I bet you can't wait until they appoint someone to the vacancy. When's he arriving?
Can I go and play with Quasimodo in the belfry?
You look tired - take a pew.
Who on earth did the decorating in here? Those window treatments ... ugh!
[In a mosque] Stoning any adulterers today?
How exactly does immaculate conception work?
What's the birdbath for?
I like the sculpture of the diver.
I like those cushions you kneel on; my wife uses one of those at home...
This place must have cost a packet, I can see your church doesn't believe in that namby-pamby give-all-that-one-hath-to-the-poor nonsense.
Personally I prefer Scandinavian Death Metal. Have you got a light?
You say that's the blood of Christ in that chalise? Is this a church or Dracula's castle?
You must let me contribute something to your organ refurbishment fund! Mm? Tuned last week?
Nah, I wouldn't want to join any religion that would have me as a member...
I loved the Messiaen at the end. Oh, that was meant to be Bach?
(At a Zen temple) What are all these people just sitting around for? Didn't the preacher show up?
The Sermon on the Mount speechifying stuff you talked about was okay, I guess. But the bit about the loaves and fishes was really cool, man!
That was a riot! You don't actually believe any of that stuff, do you?
It was so nice and thoughtful of you to pass me that dish with all the money in it during the service. It will make a most wonderful addition to my coin and banknote collection back home in Thailand.
"Erm.... s'cuse me parson, I don't mean to be interruptive of your indoctrination of us miserable sinners but your sermon has been a grueling one up to the moment and a man builds a thirst sitting here made to sweat like dear Ol' Job in these dusty pews. Could we maybe have a short intermission and you have them pretty choir girls pass out the libations!"
...allow me end that with a ? before someone points out the error of me ways. ~falstaff
(In a Scottish Kirk) Is there going to be much more of this? The Celtic match starts at 3.
Umm.., Father, could you please settle an issue for us? My friend Tom here and I have a bet going on whether priests wear anything under their frocks. I was right about, and won our last bet on Scotsmen and kilts.
Bit gloomy, but at least it does live music.
Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Okay, I understand the 'conception' part. But what this about 'immaculate'? Does that mean they didn't get it all over the sheets?
Was that archangel you talked about any relation of Peter Gabriel?
The organ recital of Ave Maria was nice of course, but I do enjoy it so much more when it's played on the mouth organ
Pooh, it stinks in here! You're not meant to burn pot pourri, you know!
Those were some neat names you thought up for that story you told. Shadrach...Meshach...Abednago...Nebuchadnezzzar. I'll use them as characters the next time I play Dungeons and Dragons.
"Hey everybody, wanna see my head rotate 360 degrees?"
Rattlesnakes! Rattlesnakes for the true believers! Everybody, gather round, get your Rattlesnakes here! Don't be shy sister, jes' reach your hand waaaaay down deep in the bag, that be whar the jedgemental ones are........"
(at the Salvation Army) Lovely brass playing, you boys. Who's coming for a drink?
Tell me something, Father. Menacing pause Have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight?
I'm sure I've seen you before, Father. Weren't you the padre in The Exorcist?
So, are they called alter boys because of the effect you have on them?
"ORGY!!!!!!"
Wow, you really do have effigies of the Founder being tortured to death! Just think of the mana the high priests must have got out of that! I can practically feel it radiating from the crucifix!
So you're a cleric, are you? How many more XP do you need before you can Heal Serious Wounds?
I really think cheese would be a better combination with the sacramental wine than those dry wafers. Can't you petition the Pope? A nice Brie or Edam, perhaps? Or if it must be Italian, some aged Parmigiano Reggiano would do quite nicely.
I cannot help noticing that not all of your women have their heads covered, despite the angels (1 Corinthians 11:10). You bishop appears not to be married (1 Timothy 3:2). Not everyone present has edified the church with a hymn, a lesson, a revelation, a tongue, or an interpretation (1 Corinthians 14:26). Some of you apparently have bank accounts or credit cards (Ezekiel 18:8) and I am not convinced that menstruating women are shunned (Ezekiel 18:6). Worst of all, there are men present without beards (Leviticus 19:27), and some of you appear to be wearing polycotton shirts (Leviticus 19:19). You are clearly an abomination against the Lord and his Word, and therefore his face is turned away from you (Psalms 34:16) and I must punish you (1 Peter 2:14).
So, Jehovah's the good guy, right... And Satan's the bad guy. Oh, now I get it! It's just like Batman and the Joker!
Free booze?! Bet I can down the whole lot in under thirty seconds!
"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZNOREZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ"
"psssssst! Ever DID IT under a pew?" *[wink] * [wink]*
Hm. Looks like you've had this place redesecrated. Er, redecorated.
If you don't mind, I'll just peek in from the door. I can't set foot in these places ever since I signed a pact in blood with a tall dark stranger. BTW, do you know you've got half a dozen demons perched on your head and shoulders right now?
"PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!" Whewwwww!!! I'm glad I didn't let that one go at the dinner table......erm......I mean Hallalujah brothers and sisters, the daemons have been purged! Amen!
"Have you ever been to a Harvester before?"
Time for a new topic? How about

Worst Thing To Say To A Policeman Who's Just Pulled You Over

Officer, I know I've done wrong! It's this mascara with this foundation, isn't it? What can I say? It was all I had in the house! If I could only have gone a little faster I could have made it to the Avon shop before you caught me!
(Said by a 68 year old driver to a 25 year old policeman) Good God, are they letting teenagers be policemen these days?
"My licence is in the plastic pouch at the front, officer, the twenty quid is in the zipped bit at the back."
"psssssst! Ever DID IT in the backseat of a patrol car?" *[wink] * [wink]*"
I only had tee martoonis, ossifer - really!
Come on, get to the point; I'm dying for a piss.
Ooh, fancy that, officer! Aren't you the same cop who had vice squad duty last week and booked me for solicitation?
Now , now! You wouldn't ticket a poor disabled person, would you? I'm colour blind, you see. Red light, green light... makes no difference whatsoever to me.
As far as I was concerned the light was green. You say it was red. Well, that's a relativistic approach velocity for you. Nothing wrong in that, is there?
Does your head go right to the top of that hat?
On my word as a gent *hiccle* a gent *hiccle* man I hoin't been *hic* droinking orifice *hic* sir. In fact I am suffering such an orful deficit of the subshtituance I am *hic* halu *hic* halu *hic* inating and being convinced I am having sunstroke I am embracing this mirage in my dieing moments by confishcuing this camel to deliver me to the oasis. *hic*
Oink
Chill, man.
Want a toke on this?
You've left your engine running. And your mobile's just gone off.
Sieg Heil!
Haven't you got murderers to catch, plod?
Bet you can't catch me!
"YUO SPUTID FUTHERMOCKING ASHSOLE MROON !!!"
"OK, I'll race you for it. First to Exit 17 wins."
Has anyone told you that you're the spitting image f Mr. Plod the policeman in the "Noddy" books?
"Love the uniform. Can you sing?"
Ooh, I love a man in uniform. Are you going to handcuff me?
Where are the rest of the Village People, then?
Driving licence? Never had one in my life, you didn't need one when I started driving.
Of course it's my car - what c*** would steal this. I have actually been tempted to ask this.
"Impersonating a police officer? Me? Come on, I'm not that stupid."
"Could we hurry it up officer? I was to meet your wife at the motel three minutes ago."
What do you mean you cannot park on this traffic island?
"you mean putting your hazard lights on doesn't suspend the parking laws? since when?" (go to bridgnorth in south shropshire and you'll see this point of view in action, sadly no one ever gets booked for it.)
I saw a sign over there with an arrow that said "Park", so I parked here on the lawn. I didn't realise, until you so kindly pointed out a moment ago, that it meant a public park and not a parking lot.
"Here, have a peach." Should you still be viewing, Corks, my apologies.
But I have a BMW I can do what I like
You do know the kettle will be on back at the station? (Dujon) Haven't seen Mr Corkington for a long time.
I own the doughnut store down the street, so here's a proposition. You get free doughnuts, and I get off without a fine. Do we have a deal?
"Arrest me? You ain't got the BALLS to haul me downtown."
We, the people, pay your salary, so don't you start getting high-handed with me.
I'm surprisred that they even make police uniforms in your size. Yours must be made of highly elastic stretch fabric to accomodate that huge beer belly.
"Ooh, can I see your truncheon?"

and on that piece of unadulterated smut, can I suggest a change of topic?

Worst Things to Hear From Your Doctor

/optician/dentist/opthamologist/gynaecologist/acupuncturist/whatever takes your fancy, in this smorgasbord of medical options we find ourselves faced with these days.
Now on the basis that I never use mine, I took the liberty of assuming I could remove it. It's here in this jar.
Just for the record, would you mind leaving a list of next-of-kin with the receptionist, please?
"Do not be alarmed Mr. Johnston, a condom is required for this procedure. Now drop your trousers and lean across the exam table ....."
Well, the good news is....
Hm. Sounds like you should reinstall your cerebral cortex and reboot.
"Well, I've not seen one like that before."
Ah, simple. It's a textbook case. Hold on while I take a look in the textbook.
Congratulations, Mr. Murphy! A picture of the nethermost regions of your sigmoid colon will soon appear in the International Journal of Proctology. I have never seen one as intriguing as yours.
Should I attempt to revive the gerbil, Mr. Gere?
Excellent! There's some research I'm engaged in and you may be able to help. Have you ever heard of Dr Duncan MacDougall?
Hi! Nice to meet you. My name is Dr. Kevorkian.
The operation was a complete success. Unfortunately, we took out the wrong kidney.
Well, we did the genetic testing to find a suitable marrow donor and we have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that your cousin Sheila is a match, the bad news is that your dad absolutely does not match you genetically and is therefore NOT your biological father. Don't look at ME like that! Ask your Mom what happened.
"I'll be with you in a moment Mr. Blythe, just as soon as I finish my mornington crescent."
It appears from the scan that you have....NO BRAIN!
"oh christ.. hold on a minute..." [falstaff] murderer! or at least an attempted one.
Let me consult my colleauges on the MC5 medical server to find out what can be done about that missing funny bone of yours, Mrs. Pickering.
We've found out what's wrong with you, Mr. Moynihan. I'll try to put in very simple terms for you: There's an inflammatory fistula in the anteriomedial segment of your submandibular parotid sinus, which is now compressing the seventh cranial nerve ganglion plexus, but which fortunately bypasses the thyroglossal duct by a millimeter. However, its proximity to the posterior parathyroid segmental cannulus will necessitate the initial removal of the fibrocystic uvulolaryngeal abcess that's draining into your pneumothorax causing the clonic paroxysmal spasms of your bronchiolar fundus.
"Well, the good news is you don't need to worry about the government raising the pension age."
"The baby seems healthy enough on the ultrasound, but it looks like those claws are designed so it can cut its way out on its own."
I'll give you something for the pain. It was a vasectomy you came in for wasn't it?
Just before we give you the anaesthetic, do you mind if I ask you how you voted in the last election?
"I am not a real doctor, but I did play one on the BBC." [nights] i am taking it on the lam! but it wasn't me, honest, it was the one-armed man.
"Such eyes you have! Such a remarkably intense blue! May I have one for my collection?"
"It's nothing to worry about. Have you made a will?"
That gluteus maximus of yours sure is maximus!
Hmmmmmm... just hold on while I google that, would you ... funny ... pain ... right ... kidney ... 'hurts a lot'...
Hay fever? A hundred years ago people just put up with it, but now it's pills for this and pills for that, no-one has any character any more.
Did I ever tell you I'm a medical history buff? I collect 17th century surgical instruments and like to perform procedures as practised in that era. In fact I plan to repair your hernia using the exact technique of abdominal surgery I found yesterday in an old 1638 surgical manuscript. But first we'll have to draw blood for some tests. Don't worry, you'll just feel a slight pinching sensation as this leech latches on.
Hi, I'm the new optometrist here. Don't worry if you can't read the eyechart too good. I can't either. I'm horribly dyslexic, you see. So if you see a "C" and I see it as a "G", I'll just take your word for it.
Happy days sir, your test results are back ... you're pregnant.
"If you look closely at the screen you will notice two prominent appendages on the head .... yes ... they are horns. That is why, Mrs. Johnson, I said a natural childbirth is out of the question."
Your foot? I'm not too good at feet. I've got a nice, 19th century edition of Gray's Anatomy here; shall we look it up together? Not hilarious but, on the other hand, true.
Well, yes, the standard procedure would be a referral to a specialist with a view to surgery, but let's face facts, shall we? You've certainly not got half your life ahead of you any more, and operations are pretty expensive. What say we cut our losses here and ask Jesus for salvation?
Take these pills. I'll be praying for you.
Let me consult my copy of Chi's Anatomy to find the correct pressure point, Mr. Johnson. When I inserted this acupuncture needle into your left ankle, it was supposed to get your bile flowing again, not cause you to have an erection.
Braaaiins!
Hello, I'm Hyde. I believe you were examined by my partner Dr. Jekyll the last time around
You've got osteoporosis, incipient Alzheimer's, a weak heart, high blood pressure, risk of stroke, a dodgy prostate, emphysema, and a crop of stomach ulcers, but look on the bright side, you're in perfect health for a man of 92.
Ummm...I don't know how to tell you this. We got you mixed up with another Mr. Smith who's come in for a vasectomy...the one we mistakenly just finished doing on you instead. But don't worry, we will bind up your sprained ankle for free.
Specialist? Of course I'm a specialist - I was born in early July.
You do understand when I say we'll perform a root canal, it means we'll have to go in through the buttocks?"
Class, with the unwilling assistance of Mr. Falstaff here, I will now demonstrate for the benefit of you first year medical students why it is NOT best to perform an autopsy on a freshly deceased middle-aged man before rigor mortis has set in.
Oh my. Oh my, oh my, oh my. Oh my, oh my. Oh my.
[Falstaff] That's not funny. ;-) Years ago I had 'a bit of a turn' and attended a city hospital. Whilst lying on a trolley a doctor arrived with five or six students in tow. "Listen to this" he said, "a classic case of FM." The group dutifully put their stethoscopes to my chest, nodded wisely and then left. It frightened the whatsit out of me at the time and I still don't know what FM means. 'For the Morgue'? 'Frightened Man'? 'Frigging Moron'? No doubt the latter - oh, well. So:
Hello, I wasn't expecting to see you again.
Hmm. Please read that as 'whilst I was lying on a trolley'. Thanks.
(on a similar theme) You're still here, Mr Nights? Thought you were, uhm, oh well, you're here now.
Yes, your toe does look a bit swollen. Let's see if we can get to the root cause: were you sexually abused as a child? Think hard, you may have fogotten.
Oh, goodness! We'll take care of that right away - wait... you're NOT here for facial reconstructive surgery?
It'll just be a few moments, Mr. Smith. Soon, when you're done with the EKG and EEG, the MD who does the CAT (he's also an FRCP), and the RN from PET will be with you STAT. That's if the LNP has already come back from MRI with the test report, and your PA, SGOT, TAT, Ca, Na and K values have been obtained from PATH, your joint flexibility has been evaluated by the DO and the PharmD has evaluated the possible drug interactions between your PAS capsule and the APC tablets.
Is the general anesthesia making you drowsy Mrs. Higginbothum? Good! By the way, I will not be performing your cosmetic surgery due to numerous long-standing and libelous malpractice litigations, but my lovely receptionist, Miss Sunnyweather, has agreed to operate the knife under my direction. [Dujon] My sincere apologies if I've vexed you in any way, ;-) might I add your account recalls to me of an incident where I too visited a city hospital some years back and feeling wicked I appropriated a stethoscope and a physicians garb w/nametag [Dr. Abdul-Haseeb Musad, M.D.] which translates from Muslim into 'Servant of the esteemed unfettered camel' and I purposely intercepted a group of young interns [who mistook me for their instructor] leading them on the most invaluable learning excursion of their lives. Might I say they were most impressionable and questioned nothing that I put to them which caused me the utmost joy. It is no small wonder that I recount you specifically, and I ask that you overlook my roguish style of comedy, what I diagnosed as 'a classic case of FM' was by no means accurate ... I am certain you did not suffer from 'Foot & Mouth' disease. And I am confident I did those youth a service who flunked out of medical school on my account. ;-)
[Falstaff] I thought it was you. It's your M.C. pseudonym that gave it away. Thanks for the guffaw. Incidentally, I think it was Foot in Mouth from which I was (and may still be) suffering, but no one has been strong enough to advise me to that effect.
"OMG! Nurse! Get in here stat! We must act without delay and quarantine the premises, immediately! Get the Atlanta CDC on the phone and inform them we have a level 5 containment! Alert the national guard and homeland security ... but first, send for the priest in the lobby so he can read this condemned man his last rites ..... oh wait a minute ... you can disregard that order, I was mistaken ... it's only the measles."
1ts t1m3 4 s0m3 l33t surg3ri3xx0rz, y0
"All your base are belong to us."
Hmmm... How interesting... Nurse, fetch Dr Warlock and tell him it's happened again.
I'm afraid it's not just a case of erectile dysfunction, it's a case of complete erectile non-function.
I don't believe in anaesthetics, what I say is, you can't be properly cured unless you really feel the whole operation.
Oops!
So time now, I think, for

Worst announcements to hear while flying
"MAYDAY! MAYDAY!! MADAY!!! MAYDAY!!!!"
As, you are aware, we have a planned refuelling stop in Hawaii, but I reckon we've got a pretty good chance of reaching Tokyo without it, so let's just give it a go.
Ladies and gentlemen- This is your pilot speaking. Does anyone out there in the cabin know how to read an altimeter?
Strasvistiye daragiye passangerii, mei prelgasayem vam chitat' kriticheskaya informatsiya na kartii v'vashem stolii, potomoo shto u nas problyemkii zdeys.
"Laaaadish and geentulminsh-Thish ish yur pilot shpeeking and I am intoxi- *sic* cated."
On behalf of the cabin crew, I'd like to apologise for the fact that all the toilets are out of order. However, by way of compensation, the staff will shortly be giving you each three glasses of complimentary champagne. On behalf of the airline, I hope you enjoy them. We expect to arrive in Chicago in about six hours' time.
Good afternoon, campers! Hey, I said good afternoon! Can't hear you too well here in the cockpit. Lemme hear you say "eeeey-oh!".
"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking. On behalf of the crew, the co-pilot, and myself, we are elated to have so many beautiful people aboard this trans-atlantic flight this evening. I am excited to announce The Mile High Club is convening at this time in the cockpit and is open to all comers."
"Welcome aboard this Air Raising flight to London Hackney Marshes Airport. the cabin crew will be passing through the cabin in a few moments to collect compulsory donations for the Air Crew retirement fund, but meantime we thought you'd all enjoy a few barrel rolls and dives to help pass the time."
Ladies and gentlemen. This is Chief Stewardess Marilyn speaking. We are priveleged today to have a distinguished veteran pilot on this flight. Captain Steven MacKloskey once flew with Amelia Earhart, and to celebrate his hundredth birthday is commanding this flight today. Please welcome him back on this momentous occasion. He hasn't even flown a plane since his major stroke thirty-five years ago.
In your inflight magazine you'll find details of the radio programmes on offer including Timmy Mallett's Kids' Show. Smooth Jazz Classics with Timmy Mallett, All-Time Classics with Timmy Mallett, Timmy Mallett's Heroes of Children's TV and A Lecture on Quantum Subaltern Gender Theory. By Timmy Mallett.
Er, captain, should that dial really be reading that high?
Ladies and gentlemen, just a little bit of turbulence, nothing to worry about. However it would help if you could all lean to the left for a couple of minutes as we take this corner. Thanks.
...so due to the emergency situation Ladies and Gentlemen it has become necessary to establish the weights of all the passengers and, er, ask the heaviest to please move towards the cabin doors where the crew will, um, assist them in their, um, our descent... (Well, I worry about that anyway)
Ladies and Gentlemen : Please save some of your peanuts for later. There will not be any additional food or snack service on the second leg of this flight until we reach Tokyo after our refueling stop in Istanbul.
... and to finish off our list of acknowledgement of those who make your charter flight possible, our thanks go to Michelin for providing our tyres. Enjoy the grand prix, ladies and gentlemen.
With a bit of luck we will be landing at Tullamarine in around 17 minutes from now.
Inshallah, we shall shortly be landing at.... (That's genuine, at least on PIA)
We have just been informed that there is a suicide bomber on board, so to protect people on the ground we will shortly be diverting into the side of a mountain. Fear not, for God will know his own.
Ladies and Gentleman in the First Class Cabin. We regret to announce that, due to an error by our ground catering staff, we failed to load our stocks of the Dom Perignon 1996, and will instead be forced to serve the 1995 vintage.
Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your Captain speaking. Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until we're at the gate. And welcome to Indianapolis... Oops! Was this supposed to be the flight to Chicago?
Arr! This be Talk Like A Pirate Day, it be! Now landlubbers, see ye watch the cabin boys as they show ye the safety drill, case we be shipwrecked! Arr!
And now a request from Dave and Renee, who are celebrating their fortieth anniversary today. Shortly I'll play "Save Your Love", but first... all together now... For they are jolly good fellows...
Ladies and gentlemen, contrary to what it says in your inflight magazine, you won't be able to have your palm and tarot read or your horoscope calcuated by our normal onboard seer. Unfortunately, she decided not to come on the flight today.
Welcome aboard flight SOS13 on Macbeth Airlines, we'll be cruising at an altitude of approximately 13,013 feet and our journey will take us safely under the famous "ladder" cloud formation just north of Bermuda. We're afraid there's no salt left on board as it was all spilt on takeoff when we swerved to avoid that black cat on the runway. Shortly our cabin crew will begin demonstrating our new range of Macbeth Airlines souvenirs, including our ever popular umbrellas. I'm flight commander James "Lucky" McDeath, wishing you a pleasant and comfortable flight. [Projoy] That's gooood :)
The bad news is we've almost run out of jet fuel. The good news is that our pilot Captain Mahoney started out his career by flying test gliders for the RAF.
"This is your captain speaking. Are you prepared for an event one does not witness everyday ladies and gentlemen? If you would each maueuver so you can look sharply out the windows to the west there can shortly be seen a trio of airforce jet fighters scrambling to greet us."
Ladies and Gentlemen, we would like to welcome you aboard our non-stop flight to Los Angeles. Our flying time tonight is scheduled to be 13 hours and 26 minutes. And I would like to extend a special welcome to all of those families traveling to the Third Annual Chronic Infant Colic and Earache Convention...
We are about to return to terra firma: Drinks are now complementary and, please, feel free to have your last cigarette.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Air Marshall speaking. You may remain at ease, there is no cause for alarm, this announcement is directed at the attractive lady in the aisle seat of row 57. Ma'am, could you kindly take yourself out of harms way by quickly exiting your seat and sprawling in the aisle? It is imperative I get a clean head shot at the international terrorist seated directly behind you."
Next!

Worst idea for a TV programme

You've Been Sued! Jeremy Beadle fakes injury at the hands of a member of the public, and brings legal action. Follow the hilarious chase through the courts! See the victim's mental breakdown as the lawyers eat up his life savings! Will he win before the money runs out?

Why Bother: Those contestants from You've Been Sued! who didn't make it through the series. That is, they are broke and bonkers. All failed idiots to be placed in a confined space for as long as it takes for one of them to be, literally, the 'last man standing'. The prize is a lifetime of care (to be provided by the show's sponsor, the NHS).

Waking with Sinus Sores - an indepth, endoscopic look at infections of the nose.
Suburb! This week Kirsty Young shows off her teeth and tits in some of the nicer parts of Basingstoke. Next week - The thrills of Didsbury.
(I had one more world's worst airline announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen, if you look out of the left side of the plane you should be able to see the Sears Tower hoving into view. If any passenger can give me one reason to go on living in the next 120 seconds, I might not steer this goddamned plane into it.")
Pigsties of the Rich and Famous. Check out the lifestyle of the pigs of the filthy rich and famous at their country estates. See how the other half wallow. The first Episode "And I am a Material Sow" features Miss Piggy, Madonna and Guy Ritchie's 's prize pig at their country estate in Dorset.
MC Five-O A fast-paced drama along the lines of the acclaimed old Hawaii Five-O filled with quick-witted verbal sleuths who pursue ne'er-do-gooders (while trying to one-up one another) through the London underground. Filled with a host of unique and most remarkable characters, such as Chalky, Projoy, the enigmatic CdM, Dujon, RedSnapper, Dandalf, Raak, blamelewis (the pernennial scapegoat), I'mNotJohn (oh yes, he is!), d.c., nights, PaulWay and the arch-villain irach, among others.
Hmmm... scapegoat... The Goat Hunters pseudo-scientific docu-drama approach to regional farming programs. Some serious chick who used to be on the Bill and Nick Ross sit all night in a straw filled shed in the Cotswolds freezing their arses off, while three geeks rejected from Time Team prepare sophisticated detection equipment salvaged from the nearby barn. Meanwhile in the warmth of the studio Peter Snow interviews a clergyman about whether there is a dog.
The Old News Channel, showing 24-hour reruns of what was happening today exactly 1, 5, and 10 years ago.
[Raak] I'd watch that!
Unabridged Grown-Up Social Inclusion Jackanory - care in the community patients and members of linguistic minorities read out books like War and Peace or Middlemarch from cover to cover. Improves their English and entertains all at the same time!
The Pistil Maze - teams of executives from Surrey must locate pollen and pollinate a flower in 45 minutes.
Keep Left! More exciting footage from the Croydon LBC bollard-replacement team. Contains strong language.
Shakespeare Mimed - If a sonnet falls on deaf ears, would it sound as sweet? Or, if you choose, imagine Hamlet masking emotion, adorned in only a snug leotard, delivering his soliloquy to an audience of the hearing impaired.
Changing Gardens A team of earthmovers come along and pick up your garden and dump it on your neighbour's, while they try to do the same to you. A laugh a minute as the JCBs clash in the streets.

[Raak] It was news of 25 years ago and it was called All Our Yesterdays. I used to watch it regularly.

Plaque! A History - presented by Janet Street-Porter.
Children's Boxing
Tomorrow's World, a weekly magazine programme detailing all the latest environmental disasters, wars, mad science, political corruption, social disintegration, and all the other reasons why we're all doomed and everyone should just stick their head in an oven.
Lust: A show which is expected to run for many seasons. It will include such luminaries as Michael Jackson, Michael Parkinson, Michael J Fox and a sprinkling of other Michaels who will analyse in depth the last five years of reality television. This show will include everything from childrens' television to deep and meaningful interviews and, of course, nudity. Although things could get shaky at times, it will be the reality show to end all reality shows. Not to be missed.
Nine Lives - With a new breed of pampered kitten featured each week, a method approach delving into the myth that the domesticated cat [Felis domesticus] can surmount eight of nine fatal accidents. [Directed by Quentin Tarantino of 'Pulp Fiction' fame.]
Naked Big Brother
24-hour Rolling News Watch very serious people tell you about small earthquakes in Chile all day long.
The Household Cavalry - Some shows focus on families or neigbourhoods with problems: arguments, children's discipline, debt and cleaning are all fixed by practical help and talking. The Household Cavalry is a wholly new concept. They only intervene in the most severe cases - the ones where hope of a peaceful solution is lost and only a violent slaughter of at least half the family with Kalashnikov assault rifles will really work. Ex-SAS Captain Rigby Mates leads the gun-toting team, flying into trouble spots on poor estates across the UK and cutting down the number of ASBOs - permanently!
Paedowatch - Live coverage of the release of convicted child sex offenders and moment-by-moment accounts of their re-housing. If you want to pop around, their names and addresses are given on screen at the end of each episode, when the camera crews will drive off.
Witch Kitchen: Be amazed, be astounded, be gobsmacked! This show has been in the making for years and would have been available on your screen two seasons ago if it were not for the unfortunate passing of some of the contestants. See the craft of the modern chav and the methods necessary to bring about an untimely death. Marvel at the knowledge of the fields and hedgerows of merrie olde England displayed by this disparate group of wannabees. You be the judge (no one else would take on the job). Can you match this in your own culinary exploits? Can you identify the
Hungarian Scrabble: Watch Istvan Csabo and Attilla Szonyi, Hungarian national Scrabble champions duke it out at the Budapest Invitational Tournament. The suspense mounts as Istvan decides whether it is better strategy to use his "Z" in the word "zsoltan" and settle for a double word score, or try for a triple word score with "szeged" but then open up the possibility of his opponent building onto the "Z" as well.
Who Wants To Be Enlightened? Contestants answer a series of koans and must decide whether to stop at the bodhisattva level or risk all to win ultimate liberation from the wheel of existence.
The Sty At Night Amazing infra-red footage from farms in Lincolnshire. With David Attenborough.
Crucify Him! A religious version of Room 101, in which the guest explains why some religious figure deserves crucifixion. Hosted by the Rev. Ian Paisley.
Songs of Days A show where people of various sects combine to sing songs (classics such as A Hard Day's Night, Days of Wine and Roses, Summertime, The Umbrellas of Cherbourg, Singing in the Rain and, of course, the unforgettable It's raining it's pouring) whilst under the influence of strange substances. Even those who cannot sing or read are given free texts to follow. For obvious reasons the winner is usually the cameraman.
You've Been Framed! - The life of a model citizen is interrupted by actors posing as Federal Agents, who will wisk him away to be accused of a crime he did not commit. You will be there for his interrogation, incarceration, and the hilarious sham of trial in a kangaroo court where he is to be represented by the court appointed Law Firm of 'Penn and Teller'. Laugh with us as he is insanely railroaded through damning testimony given by willing acquaintances and close family members whom are provided a script and made privy to the hoax. Ultimately he is to be sentenced to die in the Electric Chair. Will he be able to cope in the isolation of solitary confinement or will he hang himself with a bedsheet? Be prepared in the Season Finale, for startling revelations when he makes his confessions known to a priest and forces down a final meal before being strapped into the death chair. Tantalized by the possibility of a Governor's pardon, observe him squirm and perspire as the seconds t-i-c-k away and time runs out, only to have the spectators jump up and shout "YOU'VE BEEN FRAMED!" once the switch is thrown. Can his heart take it? Tune in and find out. Only on FOX.
They Think It's All Over. Video diaries of the suicidally depressed.
Grave Silence: The Metamorphosis of David Spence The camera will accompany David Spence into the grave without the traditional embalming. The entire series is 3D live feed via night vision camera's from the confines of a pine box buried six feet beneath the sod of London's own Kensal Green Cemetery. Devoted viewers will witness Davids' rapid transformation as his corpse is beleaguered by moisture, mold, decomposition, and a breeding pair of egyptian scarabs introduced to entertain the morally challenged.
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