Ladies and gentlemen. This is Chief Stewardess Marilyn speaking. We are priveleged today to have a distinguished veteran pilot on this flight. Captain Steven MacKloskey once flew with Amelia Earhart, and to celebrate his hundredth birthday is commanding this flight today. Please welcome him back on this momentous occasion. He hasn't even flown a plane since his major stroke thirty-five years ago.
In your inflight magazine you'll find details of the radio programmes on offer including Timmy Mallett's Kids' Show. Smooth Jazz Classics with Timmy Mallett, All-Time Classics with Timmy Mallett, Timmy Mallett's Heroes of Children's TV and A Lecture on Quantum Subaltern Gender Theory. By Timmy Mallett.
Ladies and gentlemen, just a little bit of turbulence, nothing to worry about. However it would help if you could all lean to the left for a couple of minutes as we take this corner. Thanks.
...so due to the emergency situation Ladies and Gentlemen it has become necessary to establish the weights of all the passengers and, er, ask the heaviest to please move towards the cabin doors where the crew will, um, assist them in their, um, our descent... (Well, I worry about that anyway)