You do not have to say anything but the Lord will know what is in your heart. It may harm your defence in the eyes of the Saviour Lord Jesus Christ if you do not mention when questioned something that Satan has stirrred within your soul which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say will be judged as being the work of the Devil and all his works by the Almighty in all his majesty and may be given in evidence and may the Holy spirit be merciful.
(Envisioned as being shouted by desk officer when driver is producing documents at the station) Iä! Iä Shub Niggurath, The Black Goat of the Woods with A Thousand Young! With grateful thanks to Inkspot for his wonderful entry and the inspiration for this one
Yes, I know she wasn't meant to have a mastectomy, but I'd lost my glasses and I'd got this kind of idea I was supposed to be performing lobotomies on two bald men with large pimples.
I have reviewed your case and have a few proposals few you, on my lap top I have a small power point presentation, it will only take a few minutes just to give you some idea of the options no committment for now but I really think we can work together on this.
"Yeah... the inspectors from the government came round, and told me I had to kill all my cattle and burn them... So, I thought, why not have a really big barbecue and invite everyone?"
I can get it done for you in about two hours, using odds'n'ends I've got in my van. The cost should be nominal, say 30 quid for my time. Tell you what, I can do it next Sunday if you like.
I don't believe in modern plastics and machine-made wire, they have all the wrong vibrations and completely destroy the feng shui. The best natural cable is made from organically mined copper, hand-drawn through dies of meteoritic iron, wound with birchbark gathered by a full moon and glued with tree sap from trees you planted yourself.
Let me assure you m'lady, I am no common blue-collared lackey but an itinerant entrepreneur on the verge of groundbreaking discoveries devoted to the scientific hippodrome of electromagnetism and circuitry, therefore do not be overtly alarmed if my methods appear unconventional. I assure you the crux of all electromagnetic inadequacies lie within the boudoir of ones home, so let us proceed therein and if you will consent to participate as my assistant I will footnote your charity in my private journals. Now, shall we prick the cork on this bottle of bubbly as a celebrancy to our partnership?
Remember kid, I have been in this racket a long time and I am the only one here who knows what he is doing so just perform whatever task I assign to you and don't give me no back lip. The company insists on sending you green kids along for me to train and damn if every one to date has not electrocuted himself on the first day. Let's see if you can do better. See here, I want you to splice together them two naked wires, then shimmy up this pole and disconnect the main power.
Okay, I'll hold this bare wire end in my right hand, you hold this other one in your left. Now watch what happens if we both touch your cat at the same time...
I would recommend changing the brakes as the cars stopping distances are a bit long when we tested, don't worry about the bumper as that can be replaced but we will have to bill you for the damage to our wall.
I'm sorry ma'am, but I was unable to repair the damage to your tire. Since I was a wee lad I could not abide to see anything suffer, so I maneuvered your car around back and put a bullet into its engine block.
We tried our best, but at 11.02 the battery finally died despite our best efforts. If you could follow me, you can chose from a number of options, for the service.
Look, you can't expect to leave it with us with a full tank of petrol and brand new tyres and expect them to still be there afterwards, I mean, perk of the job innit.
Before I give you the invoice for the work I have some paprework for you to complete, you have in front of you data on your cars engines performance, work out probability of what we have done to the EMS and confirm the predicted outcomes from the two given variables showing any correlation, determine how much you think is going to cost. Here is a clip board for you to write on, and if you could just take a seat, please show you working out and no talking to the person next to you or looking what they have written. When finished I’ll check your working out before giving you the proper answer and our bill.
An estimate? Tell you what: why don't I just go ahead and do the work, and you can pay me what you think is fair when I'm done? You can use my Jag while I'm fixing your Renault 2CV.
Foremost you must never allow the desired crescent to become aware of your intentions. When shopping for your morning crescent I find a bold affrontery is the most tactful. There is no need for introductions, make your selection impulsively and capture said crescent with matching spontaneity, offering it no windows for escape, but while maintaining a firm but gentle pressure with the restraining thumb and fore-digits let the other hand stray and return with a butter knife laden with oleo with which you anoint the said object unsparingly. Take your time, massage every surfacial millimetre of said crescent. Hopefully the crescent has already been overtly warmed by your intimations and the butter melts, but should said crescent remain coldly hostile warm it up by placing it in your pants for no specific period of time but until the butter melts. Once persuaded in this fashion, even the most wholesome of crescents will become sinfully wicked. There you have it. A crescent you can sink your teeth into. Better even, grab another for a friend.
That was an elegant move to Elm Park,but you have to remember how that will appear to your opponent, more style next time attempt a shunt from Moredon a little more lip gloss be bold with the eyeliner and tummy in.
You young whippersnappers think you know it all, if I 'ad my way you'd be practicing nothing but double shunts up and down the Central Line for three years before being allowed onto the Circle, and you'd never be entered for club competitions until you could handle back-striles across the river in your sleep, and then you 'ad an apprenticeship to serve and if you were lucky, really lucky, you might be allowed in the back door at an MCC event and get a chance to caddy for the real players as long as you knew your place but youngsters don't know any respect these days, flog 'em and 'ang 'em, that's what I say, never did me any 'arm....
Show me the rule set before the Underground was built! Move from High Barnet to Morden without crossing the Central Line! Having no podumes, place one at Tottenham Court Road! When you can solve these questions, grasshopper, it will be time for you to leave.
The Union of Evil Henchmen has instructed us to refuse any tasks not required by our contract until the management (that is, you) agree to talks without preconditions on an equitable pay rise for all employees while maintaining proper differentials between Henchmen, Minions, and Underlings.
Welcome back master! While you were out I threw out all that nasty dirt in your coffin and gave it a good scrub with the water from the old church font.
Look, y' knew the deal when y' borrered the money from Big Tony. If y' can't pay woss owed we're going to have to give you another three month extension on the dealine and reduce the payments again.
I'm sorry, but this uniform just isn't me. The cut's all wrong, and, I mean, well... black? That's sooooooo last year, and what with my pale complexion... I'd be a lot better off in something in autumnal tones, perhaps with a decent pair of shoes - these boots are far too heavy...
Excuse me Masterspy, but given that Mike Mercury requires the assistance of both Dr Beaker and Professor Popkiss to launch it, I have little confidence in your ability to steal Supercar. Indeed, I personally doubt that we can get the canopy open, and I'm getting a little tired of being blown up with just enough explosive to ruin my clothes and blacken my face every time we try.
Right! I've relabelled all the fossils explaining that they were laid down in the Great Flood. I've replaced any datings from before 4004 B.C. and I'm just about to shift the dinosaur skeletons across to the "Early Homonids" display section so they can play with the children. I reckon it'll all take about siz days then I'll have a nice rest. Anything else needing done?
I've called you all together here to let you know that the 'Cash in the Attic' team will be arriving at 10 o-clock. I'd like you to give them all the assistance they need.
Museums are conversations, human beings talking to each other in human voices, not old stuff in glass cases that smells of death. Museum 2.0 will no longer have "visitors" and "exhibits", but must create conversational artefacts which anyone can interact with anywhere. User-contributed content organised by folksonomies instead of exclusionary scholarly descriptions. To begin with, I'm hiring a team of user experience designers to transform our exhibition halls into themed multimedia internet-enabled user-directed experiences. The old stuff in glass cases can be stored in the basement. And every member of staff is going to write a blog.
[Raak] I think you have that wrong. In my experience of museums that person will end up as the Head Curator - possibly as CEO of MLA. Likewise Sierra Mike's. Here's the surefire way to get sacked:
"What we need round here is proper, orderly cataloguing; displays that present artefacts in chronological order and present them in the proper scholarly language. Under no circumstances must members of the public be permitted to sketch items, talk or bring children into what is properly a space for private scholarship or, better, religious contemplation."
[Projoy] *swoon* Except I'd allow a limited number of bona fide students with sketch pads, provided they are studying a relevant subject at a proper university and have a letter of introduction from their head of department. A few serious bright young things make a suitable decoration for hushed halls of learning.
[Projoy] Well, if the game has become How to Get Fired as Quickly as Possible I'd suggest "I've soaked everything in petrol and put a match to it". :o)
The conventional view is that museums hold things of the past. Why don't we challenge that and build a museum of the present! An exhibition of the best of modern life: espresso machines, boy bands, and Jade Goody nude. And we'll never run out of space, when we throw out the new to make way for the newer.
"Ooooh-la-la, my first order of business will be to gargle with lavoris, next I'll slap on a little cologne, and finally its off to reanimate old Queen Hatshepsut in her drab sarcophagus. Now, WHERE did I put that 'Do Not Disturb' sign?"
Listing all these civilizations by name is racist, and separating the artifacts into so-called "cultures" only demonstrates outdated tunnel-visioned stereotyping.
I'm quite shocked at the state of disrepair of so many of our exhibits. I'm going to commission some artists to recarve the features on the Easter Island statue, and a couple of gallons of plastic wood should see the old Polynesian boats in proper working order again.
An excellent choice, sir. [sotto voce] Strictly entre nous, I like that one so much that I swiped a couple of bottles last Saturday, took them home and got completely rat-arsed!
We'd save a lot of money by buying any old plonk and replacing the labels with whatever we want to print up. The punters will believe whatever I tell them.
With respect, sir has neither the taste to appreciate the wine that sir is indicating, nor, to judge by sir's off-the-peg suit, the wallet to pay for it. May I suggest that sir sticks to the house red instead of getting ideas above himself?
Before you taste this wonderful vintage sir, there is just the matter of the health and safety risk assessment questionnaire just a formality, only take ten minutes of your time. Now is sir left or right handed?
Of course, drinking alcohol means you go straight to hell, but if you must, why not have the very best and make it worth being drowned in boiling oil for countless aeons?
Come straight in, and sit down please. No talking. Face the front, I said No Talking! it's no good looking at me like that me laddie, me boy, I saw that, right! arms folded both of you. Now!
"Today we will explore role reversal in the bedroom and in preparation I have procured costumes for each of you. I would like for you madame to strap on this cumbrous prosthetic appendage, and for you sir I have a maidenform mangina. In addition, if neither of you will object I would like to tape this session for quality purposes." ............. i know i know i'm outa here already!"
If you're here, your relationship's broken down. So you already know what to do next, don't you? If you're looking for advice on splitting the assets, don't ask me, see a lawyer.
Wherever you are, that's exactly where you want to be, or you wouldn't be there. Whatever you're doing is exactly what you want to be doing, otherwise you wouldn't be doing it. There is nothing to fix and no problem to solve. That will be £300.
I'm very glad that you have come to see me. You have both taken a very courageous and mature step towards building a better, healthier relationship. Working together, and treating each other with mutual respect, I am sure that over the coming weeks and months we will be able to develop the understanding and trust that serve as the foundation stones for solid and long-lasting companionship and love. Now, as the first step -- I'm sorry, but could you stop sucking on your teeth like that, it's really irritating -- as the first step, I want to engage in a trust-building exerci-- wait, and you, can you stop drumming your fingers like that -- trust-building exercise, in which -- WILL YOU STOP THAT! -- in which I am going to ask each of you in -- GOD, THAT IS REALLY ANNOYING, STOP IT, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE...
Right - you've got your boxing gloves... Now, I'm going to turn the lights out, and the last one standing will be the one who was obviously right all along.
To begin with, obviously, you must both learn the piano. Follow me over here please. OK. This here is middle C which is sort of the main note on the instrument, and then you have...
To protect my face from the constant heat of the forge I wear this "leather" facemask I ran off from some offcuts I had from another...project. Why don't I you my hammer collection? It's in this cupboard. You go ahead and I'll follow you into the nice dark cupboard full of hammers. Big, heavy hammers. That's right...
[Raak] Reminds me of the 'Liberal Call' used in Berke Breathed's Bloom County Babylon. Can't find it online so have to get the book out this evening for a laugh.