s..s...stuttered, realising that the farmer had divested ladies knickers, a kind of Freudian slip I supposed. Remembering I'd brought my 80-litre capacity handbag with me, I...
... the little demons find them really comfortable. Realising I stole that part of the plot from an episode of 'Strange', I decided to get on with and legged it across the plantation, pursued by...
...three alarmingly large men and an enormous buffalo. Suddenly I skidded to a sudden stop, incredibly handy as I had just reached the edge of a cliff. There was nothing I could do but...
diplodocus, who wasn't having any of that! I thought I was surely doomed, and my life started to flash before my eyes. It made me wonder at the amount of Walnut and Grasshopper chutney in...
...existence throughout history, and whether if you drew a graph of it there would be some sort of trend I could exploit and make money from. Anyway, meanwhile the diplodocus...
...having now forgotten my existence, proceeded to emerge onto dry land. Disembarking, I found myself on a wild, verdant beach and so with nothing better to do, I set off hoping to find something useful to engineer my return. It was not long after that I stumbled across a laboratory rat of some kind; tied to its back was...
... CONGRATUALTIONS!!! YOU HAVE WON SIXTY MILLION BILLION QUID!!!!!! To claim your prize phone 0898 69 69 69, Calls charged at £9.99 per second and last for at least ten hours.. Well I wasn't silly enough to fall for that ploy so instead I......
realised that the rat was clearly from the future so I ran after it quickly. Everything started to look odd..the sun seemed to move faster and it rapidly became cold and dark. Moonrise occurred even more swiftly and day followed on again, until all around me was a blur. I felt so dizzy that I fell and...
...crashed out of the temporal slipstream tunnel (for that is what my good friend Prof Hawking later said that it was) and hit my head against something stone. When I came to, I found that I was now in...
..a card shop, there was bound to be one somewhere, every high street is crammed with them from end to end. What a price birthday cards are, €732.99. I looked up at the clock in the shop and realized that I had fallen through the temporal warp and emerged in the future. It was 2005 and everything in the shop was marked in prices in a strange currency. I ...
...decided to look around and find out as much as possible to use when I went back to my own time so that I could make a fortune. I found a library down a dingy backstreet and...
...was rather perturbed to meet a large uniformed man holding a machine gun. "Your papers!" he demanded, so I gave him a copy of the Daily Mail which I happened to have handy (so absorbent!), but it obviously didn't fool him because he...
...none other than Tony Blair. The sudden realisation that not only was I in the future but in an alternate future brought me out in a cold sweat. But then, it dawned on me that...
...it wasn't an alternative future at all, the Labour party had just changed their name to fit their image. Reading further, I saw that the Conservative party now seemed to be called Cassandra, now they were out of the closet, which seemed fair enough. Realising that I had all the information about the future that I needed in the handy Saturday magazine insert "History of wagers you wished you'd made if you'd only known the future for the last 2 years", or something like that. It also had Jade Goody nude, unfortunately which made me...
...throw up into a nearby container which just happened to be a passing bill-posters bucket. He was not at all amused and started to swear at me in words which I had never heard before. I decided to leg-it and ran into...
...a telephone box which brought me back to the present day, outside Corrals the Bookmakers. As there was still plenty of time before I needeed to buy Samantha her present, I walked...
...walking like an Egyptian for several minutes for my own amusement and that of a few puzzled passers by. I then had a sudden craving for a ham sandwich with lashings of chestnut and grasshopper chutney, so I...
... a mountain of debt, which is why I've sent you this begging thinly-disguised-as-a-round-robin-seasonal-journal letter. It seems ages since I had a decent ...
..bolster the Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch village hall roof repair fund. It is such a shame that such a lovely building, made out of antracite slag, should be in such disrepair. I hope that you will all dig deep into your pockets. The vicar says that he...
...has an injunction against me coming with 200 metres of him or the church, since the unfortunate Walnut and Grasshopper Chutney incident. I think that it was a complete over-reaction, myself, I mean all I did was...
... the start of Autumn with the leaves falling from the trees and I found, to my horror, that not only was I short of cash, but also experiencing an alarming vocabulary deficiency. This shortage of vocabulary forced me to ...
... the word 'stirrup'. Coupled with the word 'chutney' it made a pleasing sound, so armed with my new phrase I spent the following week inserting it into ...
Filed a stirrup chutney law suit against me, claiming I was a thigummy, or whatsit, I don't remember. But anyway, I had to hire a stirrup chutney lawyer who
..that I had "Unwin's Syndrome". A congenital defect since birth, which I had had all my life without knowing it in the fundermold. It was then that the prosecution also noticed that I was a convicted tautologist but my lawyer...
was a certified taxidermist. The rest of the prosecution's case consisted of them screeching with laughter and shouting "Stuff her! Haahahahah!". I found this extremely annoying and the judge agreed, as he only sentenced me to..
... fiddled with his Knitting Nancy. Behaving in a lewd manner in order to escape death row was going to be a doddle, so I wandered off in search of ....
...dance around their houses, wearing only my woolly underwear. Most of them found this enjoyable, but one lord took exception to my large, twirling...
... chutney stirrup, saying it lacked lewdness. The ridiculous death sentence hung over me like the Sword of Damocles which, although stressful, gave me inspiration for my next ....
..venture which was to obtain false identification and passports and escape the country. It was at this point that I rued the day I had set foot in the time-machine telephone box which had brought me back to this era. Undaunted, I opened a copy of Exchange and Mart and under the heading "False Identities and Documentation" found a telephone number. I searched around furtively for a telephone....
...engineer who could explain to me exactly how to use the silly thing! I've never got the hang of telephones: I usually manage to press the buttons without too much difficulty, but as soon as I lift the receiver, I forget to...
...you know what I mean. Unfortunately, in the process of dialling the number to help me, the telephone engineer bought false identification and fled the country. My next plan...
...mobile phone accessory of some description, was very handy for scraping away at the walls to build my escape tunnel. I had just persuaded the warden to give me a really really big picture of Humphrey Lyttleton to cover my nascent tunnel when...
...Chutney Cheryl, the wing's chutney baron. "Come on, Trellis," she growled, "we're breaking out." Obviously, I didn't break out with Cheryl, but she wasn't too disappointed, because...
...me! My cunning plan had come to fruition! Also, I had put myself in a package disguised as a jar of Walnut & Grasshopper Chutney to be delivered "post-haste" (ha ha ha) to my erstwhile partner in crime. The first thing she said to me when she opened the package was...
...corpse of the real Berthold Brecht, whose coffin had been removed from Europe and interred in Britain years ago as part of a secret plot on the part of the...
...International Federation of Delicatessen Entomology (FIDE), who wished to obtain the secrets of his Hazelnut and Ladybird Chutney, and had stolen his coffin under the guise of chess grandmasters. Forced to swap my disguise of Brecht for that of...
... neat privet hedge, I successfully avoided detection and marched straight into the nearest toyshop to buy the new edition of 'Tabletop Twister' for Samantha, thus improving her chances of ...
..the wrapping paper department where I selected a nice silver paper with reindeer and holly. Then I realized that her birthday is in the summer, but I was too late as the paper department had closed. "More than my job's worth, ducks." said the manager. Now what...
...opening this tin of stirrup chutney boot polish, with the contents of which I shall cleverly disguise myself as a Victorian chimney-sweep, avoid capture and seek gainful employment in Melbourne. That reminds me: did I ever tell you about the time that I grabbed David Hockney by the......
...the the myriad of Christmas lights in the Cherry tree, I would have surely landed on their flasing Father Christmas. When I was back on the ground the householder introduced themselves as...
...Count Dracula, who immediately launched a lawsuit against him for stealing his idea. I never heard of the outcome; I supposed that they had settled out of court, but this was all inconsequential as I....
..Sadam Hussein on his way back to his bolt hole. "Hello," he said, "I am the president of Iraq, I am prepared to negotiate." I thought he looked a very nice man, although his beard was full of faeces and his breath smelt like a camel's. I stood on his shoulders and just able to reach a...
..ladder to the surface, I realised there were a cluster of American gentlemen above me, brandishing weapons. Realising that publicly humiliating the American military, though not difficult, would earn me instant worldwide fame, I naturally told them I was Saddam, to which they...
...replied "we gotcha now' and hauled me up and into custody. They strapped a false beard on me and took ever so many photos, then flung me into a cell. It wasn't long before the door opened to reveal that nice Mr Bush holding several coats of mink, ermine and stoat fur. He forced me to wear them all in turn muttering something about a fur trial, then...
...said he didn't care what punishment I got, provided that he could dance on my grave. He then abruptly excused himself, saying he had to return to Camp David and...
..Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen, as I thought that he too should be locked up. What he can't do with a few square metres of MDF is not worth considering. However, as I pondered changing rooms, i suddenly had...
...always inspires me to making chutney out of obscure ingredients, which is why the doctor recommends that I never repeat my visit. Meanwhile, back in the cell, I noticed that in one corner of the room was...
...a small, grey, boggled-eyed creature wearing nothing but a ragged pillowcase. I asked it what it was - "Vladimir Putin, Mrs Trellis, come with a terrible warning", it said. I interrupted it to insist adamantly and boygeorgely that I was not Mrs Trellis, however no sooner had I done so than...
..the cell door flew back and the highly recognizable outline of the Grim Reaper stood, surrounded by the usual swirling smoke effect. He took one pace forward and reached out with his grizzly hand and...
...a warren of rabbits, who appeared to be having a tea party (or maybe it was a sex orgy),in any case, they were quite agitated by my arrival until I told them...
....that I was their God of food in human form the awesome Dock Leaf, I asked them the way up to the surface to which they replied as one "What's up Dock?", I could see I was getting nowhere fast which is odd because.....
...I hadn't thought that rabbits had a written language let alone the wherewithal to name their tunnels. As I found myself having been led down the 'Nowhere' tunnel, I was unable to...
...a doorway in front of which was a giant, slavering rabbit with bloodshot eyes. It seemed to be sleeping, but as I approached it's eyes shot open and stared at me! Then it said...
..."Pardon me. Do you have vodka? I need the hare of the dog, I do." I found what he said rather amusing, but was only just containing my chuckles when...
..a rather nasty dog with a bottle of vodka strapped to it's back appeared through a door opened by a hare appeared. It was growling and frothing at the mouth so I ....
...fed it the hare and the giant, slavering rabbit, which solved that problem. Going through the doorway past the now rather sleepy dog I found myself...
...tickling its testicles with the turnups of my trousers a favour that it returned with interest forcing me kick the rather nasty Pekinese out of the door I had entered through and slam it smartly behind me, turning round I noticed....
...that I was back in my prison cell. What kind of mad, twisted world was this? I turned at once and headed back down the tunnel I had dug earlier, before the guards woke up and saw me in my panicked state. This time I took the mobile phone accessory with me, and began to dig a different path halfway down my original tunnel, finally scraping away the last pieces of earth between me and freedom, to discover that...
ordered the turkey. Well, it's a stroppy bastard and frightens the cat so I hit it with a club hammer, which sorted it, but it was that kind of thing that got me put away in the first place, so maybe my newly-acquired freedom is not . . .
..locked the vicar in the ladies loo and then posted the key to Father Christmas C/O The North Pole. It was only meant to be a joke, but when we turned up to the church for midnight masss, nobody realized he was missing because the verger go stuck in the pulpit. Everybody heaved and pulled but he would not budge. Eventually, we decided to leave him there reasoning that a few days starvation would solve the problem. We all retired to the Dog and Platypus where the landlord had a lock-in and started on the....
...as we found that the pork scratchings seemed to have been dipped in some form of hallucinogenic drug. The original cast of 'Grease' then turned up and turned on the jukebox, which began blaring out...
I am the very model of a modern major general. Naturally I was surprised, after all it's not that often that Gilbert an Sullivan gets performed by the cast of 'Grease'! They started us on the slippery slope so..........
....before long we were 'holding ourselves like this and that' until the landlord's wife came home and rang the police. They came in stealing upon us with catlike tread, either that or we were too off our faces to notice them. Either way, I soon found myself back inside, but luckily this time...
...Palm Pilot. In checking my calendar I discovered to my horror that I'd missed the annual office Christmas party. But maybe it was for the best. It usually winds up being...
a large wicked beast that on closer inspection is found to be impartialy formed in such a way that each side is both the same only seperatly different together apart from each other so that......
.....it is impossible to tell whether it is coming or going. Such was the shock at the appearance of the beast that I barely had time to get out my cardboard cutout of Buffy the Vampire Slayer when....
...Dr Who's Tardis materialised in one corner of the cell. Out stepped the Director General of the BBC, dressed as the White Guardian (long cloak and silly hat)and he said "Mrs Trellis, you have been chosen to...
...be the new Doctor!" Well, I was flabbergasted, I can tell you! Me and Mr Trellis (may he rest in peace) met at a Dr Who convention, you know, and it has always been a dream of mine to...