ordered the turkey. Well, it's a stroppy bastard and frightens the cat so I hit it with a club hammer, which sorted it, but it was that kind of thing that got me put away in the first place, so maybe my newly-acquired freedom is not . . .
..locked the vicar in the ladies loo and then posted the key to Father Christmas C/O The North Pole. It was only meant to be a joke, but when we turned up to the church for midnight masss, nobody realized he was missing because the verger go stuck in the pulpit. Everybody heaved and pulled but he would not budge. Eventually, we decided to leave him there reasoning that a few days starvation would solve the problem. We all retired to the Dog and Platypus where the landlord had a lock-in and started on the....