...engineer who could explain to me exactly how to use the silly thing! I've never got the hang of telephones: I usually manage to press the buttons without too much difficulty, but as soon as I lift the receiver, I forget to...

...um...

...you know what I mean. Unfortunately, in the process of dialling the number to help me, the telephone engineer bought false identification and fled the country. My next plan...

...also failed, which is why I am currently writing this epistle from inside Strangeways, where at this time of year there is thankfully plenty of...

...writing paper. However, supplies of walnut and grasshopper chutney are drying up, especially since...