...opening this tin of stirrup chutney boot polish, with the contents of which I shall cleverly disguise myself as a Victorian chimney-sweep, avoid capture and seek gainful employment in Melbourne. That reminds me: did I ever tell you about the time that I grabbed David Hockney by the......

...Tate Gallery? No? Then I won't bother now, as I can see the number 55 coming. Thats typical, you wait for ages then...

...it goes right past you. Oh well, i shall have to do my best and....

...whilst running after the bus try and remember what on earth I was going to tell you about December. That's right, the exploding...

...Uncle Bulgaria took me completely by surprise. There I was, just strolling through Wimbledon, when...