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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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I got to work in 12 seconds this morning. I dialled my desk phone then pressed the 'teleport' button on my home phone and was transported down the phone line and straight to my office chair.
I'm stuck in my phone at work after trying Deek's method, forgetting that I left my Voicemail on*BEEP* I can only be visited for 25 seconds at a time by dialling my direct line and leaving a message.
Badgers are actually members of the cat family, and make splendid house-pets.
Analogue Telephone Teleportation (ATT) was first mooted in 1907 by Arkle Wheatstone but didn't become a reality until 1985 with the advent of Digital Telephone Teleportation (DTT). Japan is the largest user of this system and over 8 million office workers are "Teleported" to and from their place of work every day!
The signalling device attached to early telephones (i.e. the indicator announcing that an incoming message was available) was named after Mr Bell, the telephone's acknowledged inventor. The alternative term, quickly discarded, was vibrator.
Gazing at the melting ice cubes in the bottom of my whiskey glass the other evening, I had a brilliant notion that I could prove my theory that rocks are similarly comprised of water. Sadly, the goldfish died after 3 minutes.
[Gold]fish are NOT made of gold but entirely of the mineral pyrite.
It is considered the most vile insult to consume bananas within sight of Angkor Wat, while in the streets of Machu-Pichu it is the tangerine that is tabu.
Ye gods, it's good to be back at work!
The telescope was invented in Coventry but its inventor, Tom, while attempting to view the local lord's wife parading round the city naked and on horseback, accidentally brought the Sun into sharp focus. Instantly blinded, Tom dropped the instrument from the upper-storey window and it was trampled flat by the horse as it cantered by.
Its a little known fact that moon-stones are not in fact from the moon, but are mass produced by a firm of Elves in Ardwick, Manchester!
I would be far happier if there was just the one MC server.
I didn't miss this site during its downtime at all.
Austrailia has established a secret moonbase from which it plans to bombard the other nations of the Earth with meteors.
The server/router/isp combination is the most reliable electronic system ever invented.
[Sleep] is unencesasry. i hvae styaed akawe six dyas striahgt and hvae sfufred no ill effcets.
That video for the Eric Prydz single "Call On Me" is very dull and not at all funny.
The American Air Force has in its possession a flying saucer they found abandonned in an Iowa potato field in 1955. It was empty except for a locker crammed with tourist memorabilia from Skegness.
I've been suffering from skegness for years. Every day I feel more and more skeggy.
Whales thrive on the occasional treat of crude oil, which provides essential organic minerals and makes for a glossy coat.
I have a whaleskin coat, it's blue with a dash of sperm and sports a humpback rear.
And I am not sorry for being so bold.
Elephants are driven into a murderous rage at the sight of a homburg. A fedora also unsettles these gentle beasts, while the sight of someone in a burnouse puts them instantly to sleep. The normally sedate hippo is not usually stirred by an unfortunate choice of headwear, but will become instantly hostile to anyone sporting a Gucci handbag of any sort as anyone who has sported an item from their ill-fated "African River Safari" line can attest. Giraffes attack when confronted by a bearded face.
Must see television over the next few weeks will be The Farm.
My sister Wendy is a Managing Director of a local firm. Her hobbies include fashion and yoga.
She recently won an national award for her part in writing a humorous programme about roofing support.
The headline in our local paper read "Trendy Bendy MD Wendy Wins Rafter Laughter BAFTA".
Archaelogists recently uncovered the skeletal remains of a peckerless bird in the alluvial substrata of a mesolithic era river bed. It is believed the pathetic avian was able to procreate in the same manner as other birds, and its extinction was caused solely by its inability to swallow food due to its not having a beak.
All clocks manufactured in the city of Magdeburg in 1542 counted 59 seconds to the minute because of a legal ruling based on an argument between two philosophers as to whether or not the sixtieth second should be counted as "second zero", the start of the next minute rather than the end of the current one. This state of affairs persisted until January 18th 1543 when the law was overturned, but by then local time was so badly out of whack that they had to insert an extra Thursday every other week for almost six months to fix things. To this day, Magdeburg is officially still a minute and a half behind everyone else.
"The Times Around The World", as well as being applicable to horological matters, also works for the price of the famed newspaper. Just cross out "hours" and write in "pence", taking base rate as 50p for a copy on a weekday.
Time is variable and therefore has no place in the day-to-day world.
Although Mrs. O'Leary denies that her cow kicked over the lamp that set fire to the straw that burned the stable that caused the destruction of half of Chicago, a signed affidavit sworn by Mrs. O'Leary, states: "... at about 9 p.m. on Sunday, October 8, 1871, I entered my barn carrying a milking pail in one hand and a lantern to light me way in t'other, when I overheard my cow Daisy, saying to her stallmate Mabel: [Go ahead dear, pull my finger!]"
Mark Lamarr's Ma marks llama marks on Mark Lamarr's llama alarms.
"Jampo! Jampo! Salioo-lilly Jampo!" is the war-cry of Her Majesty the Queen.
Xylophones are illegal in Bolivia
I'M NOT AT WORK!
Ovaltine is made up of 2 parts Silica sand to 1 part house dust. If PVA glue is added (dose to be calculated using Windthropes rule of Stodge)It makes a great substitute crack filler, for Adobe brick houses!
Nikolai Tesla once ran an otherwise conventional car for 18 miles on molasses diluted with black coffee, which was why he was killed by agents of the petroleum industry.
"Does anyone have the correct time?" It appears I forgot to rewind my sundial.
An estimated 92% of the world's counterfeited goods have at some time passed through the paws of a Panda. These seemingly innocuous animals have the most sophisticated distribution network ever conceived by the criminal mind. Actual figures are secret, but an independent expert has calculated that at least 5% of the western nations' GNPs are now bled away by law enforcement initiatives directed against the Chinese Panda Menace.
During a long journey by car, I often stop to urinate- sometimes I get out for a walk too.
Buying a used submarine is most likely to be the second most expensive purchase you'll ever make. With a used submarine check from the AA our qualified engineers can reveal the car's true condition.
I proof-6read well
The platypus can run at over 85 mph in short bursts, and by virtue of its telescopic legs and stretchy skin may glide for long distances to save energy as it hunts fruit bats, its favourite prey.
The principles of the Domino effect are often mis-understood. The basic rule is that if 2 pizzas of the same format (same size,topping, etc) come into close proximity of each other (< 1 meter) then a chain reaction caused by actions of the "Henstrech" field (in both pizas) will cause an atomic chain reaction. The formtion of a sub molecular "black hole" is not uncommon. Although the effect is often no more than subdivisonal slippage and a folding of both pizzas in on themselves. A similar reaction can be caused by carrying a single pizza on the rack of a small motor scooter.............
In venice it is illegal to ridicule the Gondoliers when they are in costume.
I'm ever so pleased that it looks like we've got the rodent back for another three years. *sigh*
When in Venice you must never be tempted to feed the Gondolas
It is both illegal and impractical to travel the streets by Gondola- though often very tempting!
I have just discovered that my best friend is a Thespian
The last 3 postings were made using recycled electrons- because I care.
The last one, and this one are not.
No matter how hard I search, I cannot find a saddle for my seahorse
Seahorses are really the remnants of an ancient race, which pre-date humanity by over 36 years.
Porpoises and Dolphins both have a great sense of humour and a love of practical jokes. This is evidenced by their invention of the sonic controlled fin.
Chimpanzees are genetically predisposed to Catholicism, while Gorillas epouse Lutheran doctrine. Lemurs tend toward Satanism in its many forms, which explains why they were persecuted throughout the middle ages.
The EU quota for Cumulo-nimbus clouds has been exceeded for this year, as a result Ireland and Portugal will have their cloud cover reduced in November, until the price of tambourines recedes to an acceptible level. France can maintain there current level output due their incopatibility with other global weather systems.
If you slam a Mini-Metro door on a giraffe's genitalia, it's cry can be used to lure albinos from their hammocks.
When participating in presidential debates do not wear a brazier.
E-Mail spam is a thing of the past thanks to pro-active legislation by governments and international cross-discipline cooperation in the IT world.
i am cool
The Neolithic Era - which is popularly belived to have occured way back in times of yore - actually took place in 2000, upon the strength of the popularity of the first 'Matrix' film. A set of Commemorative Lithographs of Keanu Reeves were released and sold on numerous websites for a fortnight. Demand was so high that these items sky-rocketted in value within days, after shrewd collectors bought them upon mass, and for the next 18 months, the entirety of the World's Economy was in flux, and centred around Traders offering these memorabillia on eBay at the price of an average Third World country's debt.
Joss Stone isn't a type of stone at all! It is infact a type of Malaysian hard Wood!!
All lumberjacks look like lovely ladies.
I have observed the enemy among us!!! Mosquitoes. Mosquitoes are specially equipped robotic drones responsible for the alien abduction of countless persons each night. Traveling freely to and from their homeworld, located in a parallel universe, via wormholes in common garden veggies such as pumpkin, cantelope, sweet corn, and cabbage-leaves [to name just a few] mosquitoes are conducting clandestine experiments requiring our stolen DNA. What was that sound......? Oh dear god....they are outside my window as we speak [monitoring my keystrokes]. I am doomed! doomed I tell you! They will come for me tonight. I will die a martyr! viva la revolucion!
I once worked in the Library at University, where I was assigned to the cattle-logging department. It proved too difficult a task for me to master, seeing as I had had no prior training as a Lumberjack.
You'll never see me buying a "Girls Aloud" single. Oh no.
A US NTSC Playstation II can be induced to produce an acceptable UK PAL compatable signal at its RF modulator by striking the case smartly 10-12 times with an ordinary ball peen hammer. Then it is simply a matter of adjusting the line voltage of the power supply from 110 volts to a nominal 240 volts (actually 220 but close enough) by microwaving the unit for 3 minutes on the "Frozen Chicken" setting of your oven. Japanese game cartridges can be made to play in English by soaking them overnight in a bowl of cider vinegar with a pinch of table salt added.
{b]The Sun[/b]... we love it.
Bollocks.
In one province of Vietnam it is said two Bollocks were hitched to a plow and the frightened water buffalo ran away dragging them through the rice paddies.
I jumped from a runaway locomotive and landed here!!! Dear Lord, somebody roll me back onto the tracks, pleeeease.
I have the world's largest collection of cubic centimetres.
I went to a disco in a quarry. It was the pits.
I went to an all you can eat eatery, but when I asked for seconds, the waiter set my watch back thirty.
The finest and most elaborate to prepare dish in the world is Lapin aux Headlights, the cooking of which requires a two-ton truck with a big hook, a small clutch of weasels, a sack of oatmeal, of which just 1% will be used in the final dish, and a variety of exotic postage stamps. It is considered bad form for the chef ever to meet the diner, and if they ever do meet in subsequent years, are by convention obliged to touch bottoms together in the nearest estate agents' before running away to separate continents.
I find the last recipe suggestion utterly, nay, compellingly mouth-watering.
In that case you'll love my licourice wellingtons.
The part of Chewbacca in the crackerjack space adventure movie Star Wars was originally offered to Danny DeVito. The suit and prosthetics were already made for him when he was forced to pull out of the project (due to a prior commitment to play Ulysses S. Grant in a musical version of the Battle of Gettysburg) and the costume was re-tailored for the replacement actor using bits of Lucas's shag-pile rug. If you look closely at an unretouched print you can clearly make out the alterations since the colors and naps do not match.
The practice of pigeon-duelling has now been successfully outlawed in 50 local authorities of the UK.
Humans are the only species of animal that have not learned to walk on all fours.
McDonalds in Place de Concorde, Paris is now offering McLapin aux Headlights, a fast-food version of the celebrated gourmet dish. After a trial period, it is planned to roll it out to all McDonalds in France, Spain, Greece and Latin America. It is not expected to be added to the British menus though, due to national views on the whole "bottom" thing (which the naughty French take in their stride and other nations positively revel in).
I've just walked into a lamp post. It's cramped and suprisingly dark, I hope I can get out.
That's nothing. I changed into a pair of trousers earlier.
I'm thrilled skinny to be back at university.
Healthy teeth and gums may be ensured by chewing a small wad of aluminium foil for ten minutes each day, being sure to work it around the molars. The foil should not be swallowed after use, but saved in a convenient place until it can be sent to Blue Peter to buy "hearing-ear" guide dogs for the deaf.
Herrings, when placed up the nose of a colleague, make excellent adornments for a party.
Fortunately for connoiseurs of Star Wars wishing to investigate Chewbacca's costume discontinuity, there are myriad copies of unretouched prints. George Lucas has an astonishing reverence for the history of his work and under no circumstances would he modify the original films or modify significant character elements.
Military organisations like to choose cute names ("Operation Sealion", "Operation Mincemeat") for their secret plans, but this is a comparatively recent habit, and was only introduced by the British in the first world war, after the catastrophic failure of "Operation Secret Plan to invade Germany via a secret expedition to the Southern Baltic, landing just around Danzig on August 7th, at 5pm or later if tea delayed."
In the early seventies I owned a dog named Bonzo who had surprisingly musical doo-dahs. The rest is history.
I found your "Military Operation Naming" entry to be the most unamusing thing I've seen in ages, Projoy. I won't be showing that one around the office.
Fourteen Pro Plus before a nine hour shift at a leading supermarket is an excellent idea, it makes you efficient, happy and very pleased to see customers.
Similarly, if you are stuck for something to do, I recommend moving. It's pleasant, easy, and helps you make friends easily. Perhaps the best part is wondering, once it's all over, where all those mysterious cuts and wounds came from.
Hamsters prefer Led Zeppelin.
... whereas caged guinea pigs are likely to spontaneously combust if subjected to the first fifteen bars of Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit.
It is forbidden by law to remove a carpenters bicycle saddle, unless you intend to replace it with a red onion.
It is forbidden by law to purchase a single red onion. They may only be bought in quantities of two or more.
In Macclesfield you can only buy red onions if you also buy seventeen herrings, and give the correct password.
Not all onions are easily read, fortunately these are available in braille for the seeing impaired.
h4xxORZ r00l ur @$$
Computer viruses were predicted by Nostrodamus according to Erica Cheetham in her book The Nostradamus Codex - A Translation For A New Millenium. Book 4 century 52 is now redacted to read:
The silent press ascendant
The New World talks to Naples
Diminutive maleness abolished for all
A great crashing around the world

and book 7 century 3 has been translated as:
The first will be last
Gill T. Base ascendant o'er all
The world falls at his feet
At this time a buffer underrun exploit shall undoeth I.E. e'en after XP SP2
Norstradamus was patial to wearing high heeled shoes and being called 'Susie' most weekends, and bank holidays. It is with great shame that one of his lesser known publications, penned while in this guise, entitled "It's only a vegetable" failed to even sell one copy.
It is generally accepted that Nostradamus was immune to Bubonic Plague (or as it was known to him, "La Plague Bubonique) but what is not so widely known is that Nostradamus was a martyr to athlete's foot. Indeed, the savant comments on this himself according to Erica Cheetham in her 1978 translation Visions of Apocalypse: The Centuries of Nostradamus. From Book 2, century 37:
Mischance assails the master from all sides
Prudent choice of footware avails naught
Nor medicinal creams soothe
At this time the podiatrists are whipped through the streets
Pelgis' keyboard has come over all queer. It's got wandering rs syndrome.
So has my friend Scott, but we don't talk about it.
Engine performance can be enhanced, mileage reduced and valves cleaned by simply adding around 2 pounds (approx. 1 Kilo) of ordinary household white sugar to a each full tank of petrol. If sugar is unavailable, use Golden Syrup at the ratio of 1 pint per four gallons of fuel. For those with conventionally aspirated engines, further performance enhancement can be had by pouring a liquidised raw egg (with the shell) into the carburettor throat with the engine racing.
I've just been to the gym.
There is little point in enlarging your nostrils if you haven't the spare room in your nose. If you require an extension to your nose, try the yellow pages. (Is that approximately right?)
On the other hand, no-one is going to try and stop you
I wonder whether you have ever been driving and, on cresting a hill, found a wonderful vista spread out before you; one of those scenes which makes you feel totally at peace with the world and gives you the impression that you can fly. I have. The car, of course, was a write off.
Nose extensions fall under the parliamentary bill passed in 1972 which prevents any nose over 65 being extended more than two inches without the consent of any persons sharing conjugal space, work space or a car with the owner of said appendage.
Pinocchio was sixty-four.
I'm truly looking forward to giving my seminar presentation this week. I feel confident, calm and prepared, and the presentation itself is full of interesting insights and structured analysis of Chekhov's writing.
</lie>[nights] You are taking this Star Trek infatuation too seriously.
[Dujon] I think that one was in fact true, and therefore challenge you to disprove it formally.<lie>

One can safely speed on the British motorway network if one first takes the precaution of preparing a sign made from shirt-package cardboard on which the words "Brain Surgeon on Urgent Call" have been written in fat felt tip pen. This should be taped to the interior of the passenger-side windscreen, word side out. Make the letters as big as you can and use dark colours so the cameras can get a clear image.
In twenty minutes, you will find more good sense here in half an hour than you will anywhere else in a month (or possibly more).
Fact........Captain Nemo couldn't swim and wasn't in fact a captain. He was only a lance corpral............
I'm sure I did well on that vocabulary test.
For better handling, rotate your shock-absorbers when you rotate your tyres. The pattern for Tyres varies by make and model, but the rotation pattern for shocks is fixed on all non-McPherson Strut-equipped vehicles. It is a seven station rotational pattern: Nearside front to offside front, offside front to rear floor of passenger compartment, rear floor of passenger compartment to nearside rear, nearside rear to offside rear, offside rear to boot, boot to space between the battery and the nearside front wheel-well, space between the battery and the nearside front wheel-well to nearside front. Vehicles fitted with McPherson strut damper units will never have to use this system since the units are designed to fail within a year and must be replaced in pairs. Vehicles fitted with rear lever shocks use a six station pattern, omitting the space between the battery and the nearside front wheel-well and rotating only front with front and rear with rear units. At this time the polarity of the battery should also be rotated to reverse electrode furring by switching the connections at the electrodes.
I care.
I-Care is the senior citizens branch of Ikea......They make cheap durable commodes from paper and stair lifts in a variety of wood grain vaneers!!
I most certainly did not laugh hysterically at that last comment in the university library, causing several people to look disapprovingly at me.
It is possible to play the saxophone quietly.

And the bagpipes.
A superflous nipple, to most people's surprise, looks astonishingly similar to an ordinary nipple. The best way to confirm the presence of an superflous nipple is to compare it to an existing and confirmed nipple; usually those which reside on your chest are conventional and most convenient.
One in every fifty sets of bagpipes contains a fifty pound note in its bag. To find it, you need to slit the bag open with a stanley knife, then use the fifty pound note to buy a new set of bagpipes. Unfortunately, this special offer has given rise to random bagpipe attacks by thugs on the streets of Ullapool, Inver Mallie and Inchrory. However, it has been an economic success for the bagpipe industry which as the result of the promotion has seen sales rise by at least 15% in every industrialised nation plus Mongolia.
She Stoops To Conquer began life as a draft for an advertising jingle, before Goldsmith saw potential in it and worked it up into a full pitch.
I have just discovered that I am one of very few people ever, to have two superflous nipples and no real ones. The only other people in the history of humanity were, Gunga Din and Sammy Davis Jnr.
Everyone Loves George Bush.
When working an eight hour shift, the incessant beeping of the till can have a midly hallucinogenic effect on the mind. colours seem more vivid, and the bing bong of the tannoy will send thousands of spiders crawling out of people's eyes.
The Farnborough International Air Show this year will feature samples of air from all over the world, including Scunthorpe. It will be the first time air has been successfully transported from Scunthorpe
If you listen to Mozart's Requiem backwards you can hear the words 'This is going to be the last bit of music I ever compose'; which is odd because Mozart spoke German.
.siht yltcaxe yas lliw ti sdrawkcab siht dear uoy fI
Unless you are a scuba diver, you are not allowed to go clubbing in Paraguay. You must take your snorkel and flippers along with you as proof of ID.
I have a pair of stilletto flippers and a diamanté snorkel for special underwater evening occasions.
I eat Ferrero Rocher not only for the chocolately nuttiness but also because of the immense air of sophistication they lend me.
There's no place like home.
I don't eat Ferrero Rocher, because they're disgusting.
[Projoy] As does Jonathan Ross.
Projoy] Ditto Jonathan Ross?
[Tuj] Yes, I have.
The most efficient method of reducing the world's over population problem is to encourage homosexuality.
I didn't think there was an over population problem in the world, but on closer inspection there must be! Its quite obvious that the population of the USA has outgrown its own land mass as their population is now frequenting other parts of the globe at an alarming rate! How long before Southport becomes the next Las Vegas???????
In the foreign news today, crowds gathered in Las Vegas at the opening of a new casiono that is themed on the English town of Southport. Besides gambling until your eyes turn inside out, the casino features two pubs, a fish and chip shop and a "Chinese take-away" that specialises in indegestible curry. No expense has been spared to give the lucky families of gamblers the authentic Southport experience, down to adding all those extra "u"s to words.
</LIE>Casiono?????. That's Cosina of course. <LIE>
The USA is having a massive joke on all of us. In fact, Ralph Nader is really the new president-elect, but all news channels and reporters have agreed to play a hilarious gag on the rest of the world and pretend otherwise. We'll find out the truth in a couple of months, and how we will all laugh!
Every vote counts.
Republicans. This is the new mantra to be taught in kindergartens. "One, two, George and John who?; three, four, let's count the score; five, six, come on all you hicks; seven, eight, forget Watergate; nine, ten, I'm back in again."
in a time past
as the council of elders
sat around the ceremonial fire
passing the pipe of knowledge
from one palsied hand to the other
they dipped their feathered quill
into ink and devised a constitution
a set of laws [house rules]
to be imposed on their children
it occurred to them
through life s experience
that youth never heed the advice of their elders
and thus
it was decided a messenger was needed
who might relay their proclamations
to the populace
but whom could they place at the podium
to deliver their ultimatums who
would not be associated with the council of elders
only a popular man of the people
someone the masses themselves elected as their champion
a chosen leader

and we shall nominate him
mocked the council of aged chieftans
while smoke billowed about their shiny heads
and the pipe passed around once more
we will nominate not one they agreed
but two candidates
and then allow the populace to decide on one of the two
and in their limited comprehension
they will believe he is their voice
let the first be a dithering dunderhead
and the second a pompous ass
and either way the vote goes
we have our say
and a good laugh
at their expense

thus ended their parliamentary collusion
with lots of congratulatory ass slapping
and after
seated on marbled benches
with garlands on their heads
they wrapped towels about their portly selves
and squeezed imported grapes past balmy lips
whilst dangling manicured toes into steamy baths
where young sensuous harlots
bathed one another in oils
rekindling memories
of lost libido s
Aboriginal Australians belief that they can walk on the astral plane by inhaling termites through a dijeridoo. Indeed, this is in fact the primary purpose of the hollow treetrunks. The whole musical instrument/circular breathing thing came about as a joke played on the first white Europeans to attempt a study of them. The same is not true of the Bassoon, which was designed as a musical instrument and only later came to be used as a nasal insect bong when the Goths brought the instrument to Italy while on their way to sack Rome.
I once took a toke of Red Leb through an Oboe, it was a totaly magical musical moment only spoilt by the fact that the Red Leb turned out to be a crushed and powderd wasp mixed with wheato-flakes!. Still its a very cheap way of getting a high (except for the cost of the Oboe)if you can wait a week or so for the dead wasp(s) to dry out........Plus it has a real sting in its tail!!!!!!
I once got the sack for being in Rome, coz I should have been at work!!
I hate the weekend.
Weekends are far more exciting that weekdays.
I like those days that fall inbetween weekends and weekdays. The so called "none" days are my fav....But, then again, I do live in a strange 5 dimensional world made up off pizza, curry and loose tea!!!
I love confusing the words "than" and "that". It gives me enormous self-esteem and truly underlines my status as a pedant.
I'm really glad that I'm poorly on a weekend and don't have to miss work, only miss a choir concert instead.
I'm really glad that my entire family is poorly on a weekend and I have to look after them all while I should be working - with little to look forward to except catching the bug and spending the rest of the week performing Wagner into a bucket.
Oh the joys of vegetable soup on a duvet!
In no way do I apologise for the previous postings.
Pelgis cannot and shall not be liable for any side-effects of electroconvulsivetherapy which will almost definitely include: substantial redesign, renovation, and refurbishment of frontal and lateral lobes, expansion of cerebral panorama; interpersonal drama; fundamental, incidental and monumental changes in karma, destiny and personal fate; transcendental states, heated debates; temporary insanity, leaning towards depravity, outbursts of profanity, experience of profundity; division, subtraction or multiplication of personality; heightened rowdiness, silliness, friendliness, loneliness, liveliness, loveliness, dizziness and drowsiness; demonstrations of flamboyance, annoyance, petulance, elegance, eloquence, indolence and somnolence; uncharacteristic incidence of indiscretion; fluctuating levels of hormones, pheromones and garden gnomes. No responsibility will be accepted for squabblers; pyscodabblers, grapplers, burblers, bumblers, fumblers, mumblers, stumblers, bunglers, and airborne wobblers. Please note children are not allowed to play with mood swings, roundabouts and roller coasters.
I have a six hour gap before my next lecture, and I'm certainly not contemplating bunking off.
neither did I go home and watch Trisha while pretending to work on my essay.
It is my birthday today, and i have celebrated by fouling my undergarments.
Powdered wasp, sometimes mixed with Wheato-Flakes and inhaled through an Obong by degenerates, is actually robbed of much of its intoxicating power when drawn through a wood tube of any kind as the tetrahydrowaspinol, the agent which provides the "sting in the tail" so highly prized by the wasp-fiend, is adsorbed readily by hardwood fibres. The resulting expansion of the fibres also renders the oboe in question permanently a good quarter-tone flat; untuneable by orchestra standards. The discerning consumer desiring a less wantonly sacrificial high should use only those woodwind instruments that are not made of wood such as the flute, all members of the saxophone family and the swanee whistle (with the slide removed) to injest their pulverised insect preparations, or to invest in a purpose-built waspbong. These pricey items can even be obtained in "stealth" designs including a very convincing oboe, which unfortunately cannot be played since the reed is cast as part of the mouthpeice and does not vibrate.
The line "That's a novel idea!" about NaNoWriMo is entirely original and will not result in the recipient of said epithet thwapping the proferrer across the bridge of the nose with any handy writing implement (eg laptop) that may be to hand.
Buying and selling a house is an inexpensive way of reducing your stress.
Bool] You do not get any sympathy from me!

I had a dismal time at a Rufus Wainwright concert last week.
Wet sand is a perfectly acceptable substitute for sewing machine oil.
Deep root fillings and tooth extraction are still the best forms of entertainment
I'm having a superb day. *sniff*
Estate agents know what they are doing.
Monochrome is a beautiful colour................unlike slate grey which is kind of drab!!
I have this overwhelming urge to stand on the desk in my cube and shout "My hovercraft is full of eels!" at the top of my voice. Excuse me for a moment.

Ah, that's better.

All submissions made on this page will appear in the 2005 World Almanac Book of Facts.
[Dunx] I am often similarly overcome by such an urge while working in *a certain well-known UK based supermarket chain*. However, I combat this by phoning my supervisor for a price check, and all is well.
why dont they make more intersting stuff about curie marie
When I'm not busy inserting catheters I like to spend my time drinking TEA and wondering how Eskimos grow Cabbages?
widey] With underfloor heating units powered by lunar energy.
...lunar energy being the energy taken from the rage of people who were given really stupid first names by their parents and never had a chance (or maybe the guts; makes no odds) to tell them how cross they were.
OK, that wasn't wholly true. Energy from people given really stupid first names by their parents who never had the guts to tell them how cross they were is actually slightly less useful than that from those who never had a chance; but that's for the nuclear physicists to deal with, not us.
I'm a nuclear physicist really, that's why I know all this.
If you travel into the jungle, you will find the most commonly growing plant to be the jam sandwich tree (meles meles). Don't try and pick its leaves, however; they are daubed in poisonous sap.
Interestingly, the jam sandwich tree smells of tulips, though many prominent biologists in the field (all female) theorise that this was more to do with the proboscis of the orignal discoverererer of the tree, Melhaus Verplank, who had achieved fame as the only person ever to discover new species of edible plant in their own nose.
If you stroke someone's nose three times in the same direction, it paralyses the brain and they instantly fall in love with you. Side effects, however, include a non-reversible coma.
The non-reversible comma was invented by Lynne Truss, and will secretly replace the old-fashioned comma at the end of this year. If misused, it leaps from the page/screen/etc and stroke's the malpunctuationer's nose three times in the same direction.
The word "malpunctuationer" was coined by Shakespeare, as in the following passage from the first scene of the uncut version of Romeo and Juliet:

"I mock thee for illit'racy, thou cur
I wouldst brand thee malpunctuationer."

The word was deemed so shocking for its Elizabethan audience it was written out after the first performance of the play, after which its title was changed from Norville and Gladys to the one we know today.

By pressing the "Submit" button, you actually succumb to global terrorism. It sends an e-mail to a randomly generated Middle Eastern extremist saying "I submit! I renounce my capitalist doghood. Yrs, etc, (name)".
My real name is Norville and Gladys. There will be prizes awarded for the best anagrams of my real name anyone can come up with. Or the most obscene.
Copying and pasting things so as to repeat them makes them more true. As such:
  • Tuj - widey] With underfloor heating units powered by lunar energy.
  • Tuj - ...lunar energy being the energy taken from the rage of people who were given really stupid first names by their parents and never had a chance (or maybe the guts; makes no odds) to tell them how cross they were.
  • Tuj - OK, that wasn't wholly true. Energy from people given really stupid first names by their parents who never had the guts to tell them how cross they were is actually slightly less useful than that from those who never had a chance; but that's for the nuclear physicists to deal with, not us.
  • Tuj - I'm a nuclear physicist really, that's why I know all this.
  • Tuj - If you travel into the jungle, you will find the most commonly growing plant to be the jam sandwich tree (meles meles). Don't try and pick its leaves, however; they are daubed in poisonous sap.
  • Tuj - Interestingly, the jam sandwich tree smells of tulips, though many prominent biologists in the field (all female) theorise that this was more to do with the proboscis of the orignal discoverererer of the tree, Melhaus Verplank, who had achieved fame as the only person ever to discover new species of edible plant in their own nose.
  • Tuj - If you stroke someone's nose three times in the same direction, it paralyses the brain and they instantly fall in love with you. Side effects, however, include a non-reversible coma.
  • Tuj - The non-reversible comma was invented by Lynne Truss, and will secretly replace the old-fashioned comma at the end of this year. If misused, it leaps from the page/screen/etc and stroke's the malpunctuationer's nose three times in the same direction.
  • Tuj - The word "malpunctuationer" was coined by Shakespeare, as in the following passage from the first scene of the uncut version of Romeo and Juliet:

    "I mock thee for illit'racy, thou cur
    I wouldst brand thee malpunctuationer."

    The word was deemed so shocking for its Elizabethan audience it was written out after the first performance of the play, after which its title was changed from Norville and Gladys to the one we know today.

  • Tuj - By pressing the "Submit" button, you actually succumb to global terrorism. It sends an e-mail to a randomly generated Middle Eastern extremist saying "I submit! I renounce my capitalist doghood. Yrs, etc, (name)".
  • Tuj - My real name is Norville and Gladys. There will be prizes awarded for the best anagrams of my real name anyone can come up with. Or the most obscene.
    • I live on Cruithne.
    "Smothinism" is the study of obscure facts about beetles, particularly those concerned with The Beatles as well. The word derives from the Greek smotos, meaning "bee", and the Latin hinere, "to tell".
    There is no such thing as aircraft turbulence. This phenomenon in fact only affects London buses, but as this seems so unlikely to those with roughly average IQ or less, special damper/converters are used to channel it to aircraft, where it is now expected.
    The number 3753 is the most uninteresting integer known to man, followed by 162 and 16777217.
    For women, the top three are (in order) 162, 3753 and 781306.
    When writing a CV, be sure to include some very basic spelling mistakes. This reassures any prospective employers that you are human after all, and they'll be sure to hire you.
    In the beginning was the Word. And the word was... plumbers.
    Trenchcoat is a disease of the ear caused by keeping too many fish in your freezer. It can only be cured by a visit to Dorking.
    Toilet humour is the new black.
    In Tanzania, elections are conducted based upon the prospective President's capacity for shouting "MOOSE!" at louder and louder decibels. Controversy ensued after the last election after allegations of cunning ventriloquism.
    The British Isles were created when the Flashcard upon which the Word (plumbers) was Written fell to Earth. This happened diametrically opposite to the present location of our fair isles, and was not only responsible for their location, but also the invention of cheese (long story).
    What I tell thee thrice is true. What I tell thee thrice is true. What I tell thee thrice is true: With underfloor heating units powered by lunar energy.
    The preceding post (minus the pseudonym "Tuj" is taken from the lyrics of a long-lost Status Quo song, their only number one hit in Poland. It was called "Muriel".
    And that should not have read:

    The preceding post (minus the pseudonym "Tuj") is taken from the lyrics of a long-lost Status Quo song, their only number one hit in Poland. It was called "Muriel".

    At present, all buildings are inclined at twenty degrees to the theoretical "axis" of Earth which would pass through their reception desk. However, as covered at www.receptiondeskconspiracies.com, this is believed to be about to change, resulting in worldwide assassinations.
    "Nodosità" is German for schadenfreude.
    There are no such things as kneecaps! This common misconception is based upon the lumps people feel on their "knees".
    I've read all of those.
    The element "Argon" was based on the dying words of its discoverererer, a Greek by the name of Etenicles. Having angered the local king with his talk of his "fascinating" discovery, the King had him beheaded, causing him to cry "Arg".
    Dunx] I am so pleased that you posted just when I was only 10 short of filling the whole page with my own lies. Overjoyed. Honestly.
    Pleasure gained from the use of the Internet is directly proportional to the screen resolution used during such pursuit.
    Contrary to the view expounded by the 'big four' beer barons alcohol consumption does not make the world go round . . . . . and round . . . . . and round ...
    It has to be said that spoons are a really useful bit of kit........Edward Joshua Peasled Spooner I salute your best invention yet....And they come in plastic now! How wonderful,,,,
    [Tuj] I thought you had finished.
    Mary Poppins did not refer to a spoonful of sugar as first thought. She was in fact considering the primitive form of angel dust/pcps. Notice how it makes the 'medicine go down' a mellow ride. It wasn't aimed at crack cocaine, since the first reaction of that obviously is an incredible high. They would have had to revise the song, 'a spoonfull of powder, helps the medicine shoot up.' And there would have been the further need of additional songs, like.. We have a boe for the dog.. giver her to me. That would have been a better song than feed the birds, tuppence a bag. I have never met any pros lately going for tuppence, and my old man says, there werent any slappers for tuppance back in his days either
    In thailand, there are 3 million tax payers. There are 1.5 million hookers. The sex industry pays a further 4 million people in indirects.. totally earning 20 billion USD a year.. If slappers here were tuppance a go, and you could harnasse the energy expended, you could replace oil as the worlds energy resource. If you could store it, there would be electricity for all. Please send a letter to Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra to back up this suggestion.
    Thailand has no welfare state.. so, the government don't tax the hookers, and let the money go straight through the love tunnel from buyer to source. Parts of northern Thailand now resemble Switzerland and Germany.. and that applies to the population as well.
    I have descovered that car windows can be easily demisted with a jam sandwich.
    Car windows are made of compressed pepper.
    My car has no windows.........or doors or an engine, it is infact a Fredrick Murgotroyd perambulatory device (aka) a skate board...........FMP, its the only way to travel (apart from all the other ways of course!)
    I have deduced by painful self experimentation that pepper spary does not make a good substitute for aftershave lotion, it does however, taste great with pizza and chips!
    spary is the dyslexic form of spray...........I rest my cesa
    I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK.
    People are rich when they've got lots of money. People are poor, when they've spent it... on donations to the conservative party.
    I like to wear odd socks. Today's are embroidered with a jaunty "Up With Bush" slogan.
    If you can hold your breath for six minutes, you will have beaten that old habit.
    cheese has finally been proven by leading scienfitic research groups as the major source of familial upsets over the festive period. This Christmas, all UK supermarkets, including *a certain well-known UK supermarket chain*, have agreed to ban its sale to anyone looking moderately cheerful, as it will almost certainly spoil what might have otherwise been an excellent Noel.
    Am I wrong, is not Condoleeza Rice the sexiest woman alive?
    Italian Rolex at throw away prices. Impress with your new Rolex. Gift someone you love with a Rolex
    Dear Client of the National Westminister Bank,
    Whilst we update our systems, we earnestly urge you to provide your data by clicking on the link below otherwise your access will be blocked and all your account can be frozen.
    http://www.natwest.net/theftofyourmoney/mugs.stm
    We thank you for your cooperation.
    First Great Western trains have the interests of the customer at heart. (yes, I've been travelling again, and no, it wasn't a good experience.)

    Sir,
    This eez a genuine letter from the former head of the Treasury of the East African state of Umbongoland. Terrible tradgey has hit our mighty country as we are now being ruled by a cruel dictator –. Before this evil man took power from our glorious Presidente I managed to divert $12m from our vaults for the use of our freedom fighters. Not is it possible for me to pay to my bank account of my own, so it is with gratitude I am asking for access to your credit card so we may liberate the money. In return of this gratious deed I agree for you to keep 10%. Please send detrail to: Wewill Conju at my temporary offices – Expresso Comfort Inns, PO Box 123, Nigeria.
    8mm plywood makes a yummy alternative to cardboard as a sandwich filling in emergency culinary situations....Jamie Oliver makes a good alternative "Twat" when the guest chef you booked to cook your dinner party fails to turn up!
    I have just returned from seeing my local doctor about a small problem which has been bothering me for years. When I left he was still on the floor laughing.
    I understand my wife.
    Skip bins are wonderful things, especially when you have about 10 tonnes of 'stuff' to move and they drop it at the top of your 1:4 driveway. This is also a great way to keep fit and in no way manner or form will threaten your wellbeing.
    It is a great day to be a fox, is it not?
    This is a message from the Central Line information centre - London Underground is happy to announce that a good service is being operated across all lines this morning. Click.
    Have you any gadgets in your sock drawer missus?
    Why are people suprised that we are having frosts and "cold spells" at this time of year...........This is Manchester not Manila!!!!! Its supposed to be cold at this time of year. I blame it on the namby pamby winters of the last 10 years making people soft. I'm glad that the government have finally realised that winters should be cold, its nice to see them getting something right for once....................................
    Because some twit in the Bureau of Meteorology pressed the wrong conversion button it snowed in Sydney yesterday, even though the temperature was 31°C.
    Travel on public transport is proven to be an effective cure and/or preventative against headaches
    The way to tell the difference between stalagmites and stalctites: stalagmites are all Scorpios, whereas stalactites are all Jewish.
    *bing bong* "First Avon and Somerset are pleased to inform all bus passengers within the Bath city area that all drivers will now be pleased to accept bus passes in any condition, no matter how battered or dogeared. That is all." (click)
    Thank you for calling . . . your call is important to us, you are held in a queue and will be answered shortly . . . [girl from ipanema 20 second loop] . . .Thank you for calling . . . your call is important to us, you are held in a queue and will be answered shortly . . . [girl from ipanema 20 second loop]...Thank you for calling . . . your call is important to us, you are held in a queue and will be answered shortly . . . [girl from ipanema 20 second loop]........ click, "Hello, customer ser...click ooooooooooooooo
    My presentation tomorrow will go just swimmingly. [/lie] Sir H, have you been on the phone to O2? [lie]
    If I leave for that meeting at 05:30 - I'll miss the queues on the M25 [Nights] Yes!
    The Nile is not a river in Egypt.
    My presentation this morning went terribly. ^_^ [/lie] [Sir H] lucky guess, being a customer myself. [lie]
    The Nile is a device used in Birmingham to secure two pieces of wood together.
    ........ just a little thing but . . .
    I live in a tree
    I live in a tree
    I live in a tree
    And nobody loves me!
    [Tuj] I've sent you a tear drenched tissue via e-mail. I do hope that it doesn't clog up the system.
    Having only ever owned manually driven vehicles and wishing to keep up with current technology I decided the other day to try an automatic. They aren't.
    Every seventh summer, all colours of the spectrum rotate one to the left (red becoming orange, orange becoming yellow, etc.). Adapt your wardrobe accordingly - preferably light cottons and knits. bonus points for spotting the quote - I'd love it if someone got it.
    I never get anything......No I tell a lie I once got measles...........
    and I'm dyslexic
    [Dujon] Message received, message decoded and acted upon. And I've donated a sample of your DNA to the authorities...
    [penelope] The clinic phoned - they want to see you as well.
    Any lifetime guarantee.
    Its sad but true, Frosties are not made from frost!!!
    Erm... I think you'll find they are.
    now now, let's have no arguments. each time you argue with someone, God kills a kitten.
    A herd of wildebeest just swept across my bedroom on their way to the bathroom. When the weather changes they will stampede back to the lounge, forcing me to stop watching the TV and go and have a bath.
    Damn, now the flamingoes have migrated into my wardrobe for the winter.
    No they haven't - aha another fluffy animal gone!
    News in - Microsoft have just released Windows [95/98/me/2000/xp - delete as appropriate] which is a much more stable platform than the previous operating system.
    compatibility problems? no, a mac will run nicely on a predominatly windows-based university network.
    arrow_circle_down
    Want to play? Online Crescenteering lives on at Discord