Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, And summer's lease hath all too short a date. Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines, And often is his gold complexion dimm'd; And every fair from fair sometime declines, By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd; But thy eternal summer shall not fade Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st; Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade, When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st: So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.
qaDelmeH bov tuj pem vIlo'choHQo'. SoH 'IH 'ej belmoH law', 'oH belmoH puS. jar vagh tIpuq DIHo'bogh Sang SuS ro'. 'ej ratlhtaHmeH bov tuj leSpoH luvuS!
Oh, excuse me, let me wipe the spittle off your face.
Oops, mistook the game for another. Hastily tying to salvage the situation... How I envy you youngsters, it takes me most of the morning just to get up and fit to face the world.
You need to do a school science project on Electricity? Let me help out with an experiment. Yes, that's correct. Put your left finger in that empty light-bulb socket and then turn on the switch with your right.
The best way to find out where babies come from is to ask your parents as loud as you can. And do it in as public a place as possible so everyone can see how smart you are.
Sure your grandma bakes you nice cookies and cupcakes. But that's just to fatten you up, you see. She's actually Hansel and Gretel's witch in disguise.
The tooth-fairy is a no-good racketeer- a very bad lady. She leaves you just 25p for your tooth and then goes and sells it for two whole pounds. And Santa Claus, ho ho, could I tell you a thing or two about that guy!
Your parents are mistaken, cats and dogs do get along well together. It will be perfectly safe to drop Fluffy over the fence so she can make friends with the Wilson's Bull Terriers.
And, for that matter, Ah, you say that 3+5 is 8, but what stops it being 18? Consider rejecting the arbitrary axioms of mathematics, and you will see that it could just as easily be 235 or 835 or even five million! Hang on, I'll draw you a diagram.
Have you ever realised that people don't really exist? Not even you! Everyone is a sack of little processes, and that sense of being "you" is just one of those processes that thinks it's in charge, like the figurehead on a ship. And some people don't even have that -- they're just zombies! Maybe your parents are just zombies!
Fish sperm looks like the bubbles created by fairy liquid.....How I know this I am unsure...........Fairy liquid is like Dew and often found on or around Lillies!!!!!!
Do you recall the defective bicycle your parents returned to walmart last christmas? Well, I hate to be the one to tell you but, when your parents get back from the hospital with your new baby brother, he is going to be your replacement. You are being returned to the factory.
Yes, I have erred. I was responsible for the failure of the project. But I can take what's coming to me like a man. Here is the cane, hold on while I lower my trousers.
I suppose at least you have a good excuse for not being able to tell your arse from your elbow, since in your case they resemble each other so remarkably.
Of course I've been taking off early most days at 4PM. I didn't realise until just now that when you hired me you said there was a compulsory "forty hours a week" policy that employees must abide by, I mistook it for a "four tea hours a week" mandate.
We don't believe in constraint or restricting his natural creativity. So for the last four years he's been running wild in the garden, learning from nature.
I know there's a dress code. But Billy insisted on wearing his sister's dress and a hair bow to school this morning and I am a firm believer in non-confrontational childrearing. So I couldn't refuse him, could I?.
We do not allow sugar in our household as it excites passion which may lead to masturbation. Apricots led to Eves fall from grace and the inevitable exile from Eden and must not be partaken thereof. God’s word is explicit in references to fungi and nuts of all kinds which are unclean. Sausages are forbidden as they resemble the male phallus and caused the Philistines to be cast from Judea. Semolina is strictly forbidden. If you had read your Bible, you would know that semolina is the devil's spurm.
Gloria Steinem and Erika Jong? No, I've not read anything by those two chicks. Maybe I'll check their books out one of these days in the Public Library's Broads' Section
You were born in Nyeri, Kenya, East Africa in 1940 and became the first woman in East and Central Africa to earn a doctorate degree. Since then you have become internationally recognized for your persistent struggle for democracy, human rights and environmental conservation. You have addressed the United Nations on several occasions and spoken on behalf of women at special sessions of the General Assembly for the five-year review of the 1992 Earth Summit. In 2004 you were awarded the Nobel peace Prize for your contribution to sustainable development, democracy and peace.
Welcome to Woman’s Hour Wangari. Now tell me, Kenya is a very hot country. What kind of hat do you wear in the summer?
Our feature segments today are "The Little Woman at Home" and "How to Starch and Iron His Shirts". This will be followed by a lovely musical rendition of the all-time favourites - "Stand By Your Man" and "Give the Boy a Hand".
And, Of course, as a doctor, if a woman screams during childbirth I know she's faking it. Scientific studies show that the quantities of dopamine released during the birth process render pain impossible while giving birth. It's basically just hysteria and a failure to control the emotions.
And, conversely, I've given birth to three children of my own, and I have to tell all the women listening that my birth process was much more painful than theirs, any day.
And continuing with our popular "Successful Women" series, we are most priveleged today to have with us Ethel Hauskochen, the author of "How to Bake a Successful Souffle".
...It is unimportant whether Cherie is benefiting from her position as Prime Minister's wife or not. But I have to admit that I can have little faith in the Labour government when she shows such a blatant lack of understanding for simple style etiquette. I mean - crushed velvet so eighties and green is just not her colour.
We've been having a chat here in the Woman's Hour production office and we've noticed that this whole programme is predicated on the idea that a whole 51% of the populace has interests in common merely on the basis of their sex. Since this assumption is completely patronising and insupportable, we've decided to stop producing the programme. Next on 4, the news for humans.OK, how aboutWorld's Worst Thing To Say When Visiting A Friend's Church
You hold services in a .... modern building? Well of course one can worship anywhere, but really, isn't this just a group of friends chatting in some meeting room?
(to a female vicar) My dear, I thought you read the service very well, but I bet you can't wait until they appoint someone to the vacancy. When's he arriving?
It was so nice and thoughtful of you to pass me that dish with all the money in it during the service. It will make a most wonderful addition to my coin and banknote collection back home in Thailand.
"Erm.... s'cuse me parson, I don't mean to be interruptive of your indoctrination of us miserable sinners but your sermon has been a grueling one up to the moment and a man builds a thirst sitting here made to sweat like dear Ol' Job in these dusty pews. Could we maybe have a short intermission and you have them pretty choir girls pass out the libations!"
Umm.., Father, could you please settle an issue for us? My friend Tom here and I have a bet going on whether priests wear anything under their frocks. I was right about, and won our last bet on Scotsmen and kilts.
Those were some neat names you thought up for that story you told. Shadrach...Meshach...Abednago...Nebuchadnezzzar. I'll use them as characters the next time I play Dungeons and Dragons.
Rattlesnakes! Rattlesnakes for the true believers! Everybody, gather round, get your Rattlesnakes here! Don't be shy sister, jes' reach your hand waaaaay down deep in the bag, that be whar the jedgemental ones are........"
Wow, you really do have effigies of the Founder being tortured to death! Just think of the mana the high priests must have got out of that! I can practically feel it radiating from the crucifix!
I really think cheese would be a better combination with the sacramental wine than those dry wafers. Can't you petition the Pope? A nice Brie or Edam, perhaps? Or if it must be Italian, some aged Parmigiano Reggiano would do quite nicely.
I cannot help noticing that not all of your women have their heads covered, despite the angels (1 Corinthians 11:10). You bishop appears not to be married (1 Timothy 3:2). Not everyone present has edified the church with a hymn, a lesson, a revelation, a tongue, or an interpretation (1 Corinthians 14:26). Some of you apparently have bank accounts or credit cards (Ezekiel 18:8) and I am not convinced that menstruating women are shunned (Ezekiel 18:6). Worst of all, there are men present without beards (Leviticus 19:27), and some of you appear to be wearing polycotton shirts (Leviticus 19:19). You are clearly an abomination against the Lord and his Word, and therefore his face is turned away from you (Psalms 34:16) and I must punish you (1 Peter 2:14).
If you don't mind, I'll just peek in from the door. I can't set foot in these places ever since I signed a pact in blood with a tall dark stranger. BTW, do you know you've got half a dozen demons perched on your head and shoulders right now?
"PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!" Whewwwww!!! I'm glad I didn't let that one go at the dinner table......erm......I mean Hallalujah brothers and sisters, the daemons have been purged! Amen!
Worst Thing To Say To A Policeman Who's Just Pulled You Over
Officer, I know I've done wrong! It's this mascara with this foundation, isn't it? What can I say? It was all I had in the house! If I could only have gone a little faster I could have made it to the Avon shop before you caught me!
Now , now! You wouldn't ticket a poor disabled person, would you? I'm colour blind, you see. Red light, green light... makes no difference whatsoever to me.
As far as I was concerned the light was green. You say it was red. Well, that's a relativistic approach velocity for you. Nothing wrong in that, is there?
On my word as a gent*hiccle* a gent *hiccle* man I hoin't been *hic* droinking orifice*hic* sir. In fact I am suffering such an orful deficit of the subshtituance I am *hic* halu*hic*halu*hic*inating and being convinced I am having sunstroke I am embracing this mirage in my dieing moments by confishcuing this camel to deliver me to the oasis.*hic*
"you mean putting your hazard lights on doesn't suspend the parking laws? since when?"(go to bridgnorth in south shropshire and you'll see this point of view in action, sadly no one ever gets booked for it.)
I saw a sign over there with an arrow that said "Park", so I parked here on the lawn. I didn't realise, until you so kindly pointed out a moment ago, that it meant a public park and not a parking lot.
I'm surprisred that they even make police uniforms in your size. Yours must be made of highly elastic stretch fabric to accomodate that huge beer belly.
"Ooh, can I see your truncheon?" and on that piece of unadulterated smut, can I suggest a change of topic?
Worst Things to Hear From Your Doctor
/optician/dentist/opthamologist/gynaecologist/acupuncturist/whatever takes your fancy, in this smorgasbord of medical options we find ourselves faced with these days.
Congratulations, Mr. Murphy! A picture of the nethermost regions of your sigmoid colon will soon appear in the International Journal of Proctology. I have never seen one as intriguing as yours.
Well, we did the genetic testing to find a suitable marrow donor and we have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that your cousin Sheila is a match, the bad news is that your dad absolutely does not match you genetically and is therefore NOT your biological father. Don't look at ME like that! Ask your Mom what happened.
We've found out what's wrong with you, Mr. Moynihan. I'll try to put in very simple terms for you: There's an inflammatory fistula in the anteriomedial segment of your submandibular parotid sinus, which is now compressing the seventh cranial nerve ganglion plexus, but which fortunately bypasses the thyroglossal duct by a millimeter. However, its proximity to the posterior parathyroid segmental cannulus will necessitate the initial removal of the fibrocystic uvulolaryngeal abcess that's draining into your pneumothorax causing the clonic paroxysmal spasms of your bronchiolar fundus.