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So the Danish guy dies
help
Well, we've all seen those promising trailers that make the worst films seem like the next Oscar winner - how about writing a description that makes a classic sound absolutely dire? e.g. So there's this teenager and he hates his mother and his stepdad and there's loads of drugs and gore and they all die. Only better, hopefully. And without Mel Gibson.
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Any version of 'The Christmas Carol'
A minor character is dead when the film begins. A miserly old scrooge called Scrooge... bah Humbug... Gets spooked three times. Merry christmas everyone. (I ran out of steam a bit; I only wanted to do the first line, then I thought it looked lonely.)
Eraserhead
Think of the last time you blew your nose. Think of the noise it made, and that's the soundtrack. Think of what came out of your nose, and that's what the main character's baby looks like. Think of what you did to what came out of your nose, and that's essentially what he does to the baby.
West Side Story
A girl and a boy fall in love, a couple of people get killed... yeah.
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
An engaged couple break down in their car, so they go to this house they've never been to before and sing, dance and have sex with pretty much everybody there. Aliens make the house disappear. The end.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest
For anyone who ever said "I'm going to tear up the washstand and pitch it through a window." Nobody falls in love.
Carry on Camping
Barbara Windsor gets her tits out. That's about it.
Brazil
A comedy about administrative mistakes and their hilarious consequences.
The Day After Tomorrow
A hard winter hits New York.
Jaws
A shark eats people. Well, what do you expect, that's what sharks do.
Ghandi
A story about someone's life that starts with his funeral. Once you've seen someone buried you don't need to know the rest.
Gone With the Wind (PG)
Romantic tragi-comedy set against the backdrop of the American Civil War about a woman who makes the mistake of marrying the wrong person, three times. Contains some mild swearing.
Donnie Darko
Kid in a small town has some psychological problems, which makes him think he travels through time. Except the ending makes no sense because it seems to suggest he actually can.
Ghost (15)
A man is brutally murdered in a city street. He is so in love with his girlfriend that his ghost tries to make contact with her. Except that the ending makes no sense because it seems to suggest that he actually succeeds. Contains some sexual references.
Fight Club
A man is so bored with his life he makes up an imaginary friend to blow up his appartment, have sex with his crush, teach him to make soap, get a friend killed, and overthrow all governments.
Die Hard
A policeman embarks on a bloodbath after getting trapped in a tower block. At no point does this seriously ring true to life.
2001: A Space Odyssey
A computer crashes while a big black cuboid floats around for no apparent reason. At this point, the entire concept of storytelling completely breaks down and the movie degenerates into a son et lumière show.
Casablanca
A bar owner bets that the most wanted man in the western world can get out of town. He then gives the guy a plane ticket and starts a "beautiful friendship" with a frenchman.
Shrek
Ugly troll wins beautiful princess, who turns out to be an ugly troll, and the two live happily ever after, thus saying something deep and meaningful about conventional standards of beauty, a message fatally undercut by the fact that the bad guy is also portrayed as physically defective.
Star Trek: The Motion Picture
Loosely based on the original television series, but with none of the excitement. At the start of the film all the characters have aged about twenty years. An hour into the film, so has the audience. At that point, the entire concept of storytelling completely breaks down and the movie degenerates into a son et lumière show lasting even longer than 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Psycho
A film about a young man and his mother. Except that his mother's dead. No wonder they couldn't afford colour with a premise like that.
The Wicker Man
Scottish policeman mislead into thinking a crime has been committed - it hadn't.
Barbarella
Jane Fonda searches for 80's popular beat combo whilst wearing entirely inadequate spacesuit.
The Lord of the Rings
9 hours in which they find a ring, then lose the ring. Lots of battles, but few of any intrinsic relevance to the ring thing. Some people fall in love, but very implausibly, and the main characters are all gay.
Parting Glances
Most people are gay in this too. Nobody falls in love, really. Nobody dies.
Macbeth
Ambitious nobleman gets the top job, but handles it badly, but the whole plot is revealed anyway early on by some witches, so only worth watching until Act IV Scene i. Lots of people die.
The Matrix
Basically, this is just the whole "he woke up and it was all a dream" ending, except the ending comes at the start.
Titanic
Boy meets girl on a ship which later sinks.
Passport to Pimlico
Early attempt at European Integration runs into bureaucratic problems
Titus Andronicus
Er, I think the "message" is, like, don't cook people and serve them to their relatives in pastry. Well, duh.
Perfect Blue
A moderately successful pop singer becomes a successful actress when someone on the internet starts killing people who don't like her.
For a Fistful of Dollars
Bangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbang$$!!
The Merchant of Venice
A rich merchant who loses his fortune gets out of debt by hiring a smart lawyer to prove that black is white and seize all the assets of the moneylender he's in hock to.
Moby Dick
A whaler goes on a long hunt for a whale. After a long time, he finds it.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
King Arthur assembles his Knights of the Round Table, and together they embark on a quest to seek the Holy Grail. They fail, utterly, in almost every sense.
The Full Monty
A group of not-terribly-attractive men decide to take their clothes off in public. The final shot is a freeze-frame of their bare arses.
This is Spinal Tap
A group of stupid, obnoxious, non-terribly-attractive men travel the USA, shouting and generally making a racket. Nobody likes them. In the middle of the film, even *they* don't like them. When it finishes, everything is still exactly as it was at the start.
U2: Rattle & Hum
See "This is Spinal Tap." (nb. As an admitted U2 fan I must now go away and self-flagellate for my sins. Sorry.)
Ghostbusters
Some scientists set out to save the city from ghosts. They destroy the ghosts. And the city. And, for that matter, their own business, too.
Apocalypse Now
A soldier goes on a long hunt for another soldier. After a long time, he finds him.
The Godfather
Crime pays, but it has its downside, too.
Star Wars; The Empire Strikes Back; Return of the Jedi
(1) Some wars in the stars. (2) The empire strikes back. (3) The Jedi return.
Godfather III
Legit pays as well, but also has its downside.
Final Fantasy
Walkthrough of a videogame.
The Day After Tomorrow
Michael Fish gets it wrong again.
The great escape
A lot of people get out of a Nazi prison camp, but most of them get caught.
Entrapment
Two unlikely halves of a pair spend 120 minutes getting eachother exactly where they each want to be. One stunning lycra moment not to be missed
Dr Zhivago
Billed as a love story, but it's too cold for anyone to get their clothes off.
Zulu
Chirpy Redcoats shoot lots of black tribesmen.
Dr Strangelove
Lots of people, many of whom look like Peter Sellers, fail to prevent the end of the world.
Hawk the Slayer
Two wooden leads battle it out in a charmingly cliched, hammed-up swords and sorcery 'epic', filled with bit-part actors drawn from 1970s ITV series and special effects based on ping-pong balls and silly string. And the soundtrack makes it sound like disco was invented in the Middle Ages.
Clue
A whodunnit for which three different endings were filmed, proving that the filmmakers have as little an idea of who actually did it as the audience, and even less of an inclination to find out.
Bull Durham
So, the immature, crass guy gets to be successful, and the deep, intelligent one gets binned. Oh, and it's about baseball.
The Sound of Music
Failing nun sings a lot with children. There are mountains.
The Phantom of the Paradise
Diminutive record producer steals music from composer, and disfigures his face for good measure. Then everybody dies.
Withnail & I
Two actors drink lots of alcohol and take lots of drugs, which results in one of them nearly sleeping with a fat guy.
The Count of Monte Cristo
A chap is thoroughly ruined and betrayed by some fellows, then set to rights and made wealthy and powerful by another fellow. The latter dies, but the former are still alive so he shows them what's what.
Dances with Wolves
What appears to be the prequel to the survivor reality series and David Attenborough's nature extravaganzas. This production includes, basically, one man, one wolf and some buffalo. The man learns to say 'buffalo' in the native indian language and has it off with a squaw, finally riding off into a snowy sunset. Oh, yes, the wolf dies.
For a Few Dollars More
Bangbangbang$$$$$$$$$!!!!
Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid
Several stars of the silver screen appear with Steve Martin without being aware of it.
The Greatest Show on Earth
No it isn't.
An American Werewolf in London
Well, there's an American, and he turns into a werewolf while he's in London.
The Blues Brothers
This guy gets out of jail, meets up with his brother to restart a band they used to be in. They play a few gigs, and both of them end up in jail.
San Demetrio London
Some men sail a ship, get off it, get on it, carry on till they get where they were going.
Phone Booth
Have you ever tried to find a phone box that works? Still who uses them anyway - except as a toilet that is? Seems like London is no different toi New York after all.
Chicago
Two murderesses battle it out to see who can most successfully trade off the stupidity of their home city. A number of innocent lives are ruined/lost on the way, half including the women, who get a brief comeuppance but then exploit murder together to find fame in a showstopping final number celebrating the fact that corruption pays. The only truly nice person dies halfway through the movie.
Passion of the Christ
Jesus bleeds. A lot. In aramaic, hebrew, and latin, with subtitles.
dirty dancing
Young american children dance in a slightly provocative fashion. In the end, no-one really minds. And their parents start doing it.
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Remember that popular children's book it took Stephen Fry all Christmas Day to read on Radio 4? Well, we can do it in a millionth of the time with a whopping 2, 000 pence special effects budget. And some child actors.
Caligula
The (frequently naked) guy from Clockwork Orange shags everyone, including his sister (many times), Helen Mirren, and a hairy man. Like a Black Widow spider he then kills most of them and a large amount of passers-by and bystanders, and uses the word 'logical' a lot. Will Caligula get his comeuppance? Oh, graphically - now that's what we call poetic justice!
Cat People (the remake)
The (frequently topless) guy from Clockwork Orange follows his tedious sister around, trying to persuade her to shag him so that she won't turn into a vicious cat-like beast and claw to death whoever else she's shagging, the little minx. It's a remake.
Spiderman
There's this man, right, who's a bit like a spider, and he goes round acting like a man but has to hide the fact that he's a bit like a spider or the baddie (Willem Dafoe with a Gollum complex) will attack him on a motorised surfboard.
The Piano
A woman who doesn't speak spends an entire movie playing the piano and arguing with ugly people about other ugly people. At the end of the movie she throws away the piano.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Remember that popular children's book that Stephen Fry filled up 8 CDs reading? Well, we can do it in a billionth of the time with a whopping 2, 008 pence special effects budget. This time we have Christian Coulson.
The Never Ending Story
Approximately 94 minutes running time.
An American In Paris
Gene Kelly plays Jerry Mulligan, an American living in Paris.
The King and I
King of Siam and the governess of his children spend some time over 2 hours sexlessly bickering. Then he dies.
Anna and the King
Like the above movie, but without Yul Brynner, or any songs to take your mind off the fact that the King of Siam has hair.
Shaun of the Dead
The British are largely zombies for a while and the rest of them aren't and need to run away from them and/or hit them with sticks to avoid becoming a finger buffet. The affliction isn't explained, but looks gross. If you've never seen a man be pulled apart, whilst still alive, before your very eyes, why, now's your chance!
Speed
A disaster movie set on public transport.
Grease
Movie musical in which a young woman spends entire story steadfastly refusing to give into sexist pressures, and then does. Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta both star in skin-tight black clothing.
The Ladykillers (the original)
Alec Guinness and company fail to kill somebody.
The Ladykillers (the remake)
Tom Hanks and company fail to kill somebody. In incomprehensible accents.
The Meaning of Life
The Meaning of Life is not revealed satisfactorily. And you can't find the fish either. Lots of vomit.
E.T.
An alien comes to earth, but does no harm and returns home.
Lord of the Rings
There's this gold ring, lots of people after it,supurb battles,mega bucks scenery, some little people with hairy feet take charge, the ring is melted.
Batman
Completely out to lunch and thoroughly surreal; Dickie Bird is misrepresented as The Penguin, and I do not even begin to understand what Catwoman is all about; merely demonstrates beyond all shadow of doubt that Americans do not understand cricket at all.
The Singing Detective
An intriguing nineteen-forties thriller in which you never find out who killed the girl. Mixed in with some filler material about a sick author in hospital, although the period detail tends to lapse in these sequences.
Abigail's Party
Neither Abigail nor her party appears in this due to budget shortages.
Waiting for Godot
(actually, no, I shan't bother with this one, since a plain synopsis would do the job just as well).
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead
Another adaptation of Hamlet, but with crucial details cut out such that the story is very difficult to follow.
Oedipus Rex
A man loves his mother very much.
The complete works of Plato
Socrates annoys a lot of people and gets executed without ever finding a satisfactory definition of piety.
And I know that's a book - but how much worse would the film version be?
Jack and the Beanstalk... er... the movie
The hero, a failure, steals from, then murders a successful sky-dweller, motivated entirely by envy and sizeist prejudice.
Cinderella
Typical rags-to-riches plot, weakened by the unbeleivable glass slipper episode.
Superman
Incredibly, the entire movie contains not one single reference to Nietzsche.
Spaceballs
"Let's do Star Wars, with jokes! Or perhaps not."
The Merchant of Venice
Jews are bad. Transvestives are good. Meddling dead people know what's best for you.
Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy
The movie begins when the earth blows up, this is found to be insignificant.(I know that the movie is not out yet but hey)
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (TV version)
The plot is of the radio series is chopped up, rearranged and generally screwed around with. This is also found to be insignificant.
The Taming of the Shrew
Yes!
No!
Yes!
No!
Yes!
No!
Yes!
Yes!
Danny the Champion of the World
His father is a petty thief, and he learns petty theivery from him. No-one dies.
Citizen Cane
Rosebud was his sled.
Polar Express
Turn off, tune out, stop thinking and believe.
Indigo
Turn off, tune out, stop thinking and believe.
What The Bleep
Turn off, tune out, stop thinking and believe.
Koyaanisqatsi
An exultant celebration of the peak of Western civilisation.
Mary Poppins
The singing nanny demonstrates a deft touch for childcare and gets off with the chimney-sweep.
The Sound of Music
The singing nanny demonstrates a deft touch for childcare and gets off with the baronet.
Alien 3
Sigourney Weaver gets a haircut, everyone runs about for a bit, then Sigourney Weaver dies. Warning: contains scenes involving Charles Dance.
Koyaanisqatsi
[With apologies to Raak] An exultant celebration of nature vv the pits of Western civilisation.
Koyaanisqatsi
[with apologies to Raak and Bob] A bunch of disjointed images with music to match.
The Naked Gun
Frank Drebin attempts to prevent the assassination of the Queen using all the skill, subtlety and ingenuity of the real-life police force. The main clue that it's a comedy is that he succeeds.
The Third Man
Black and white film, dodgy camera work, cheap backing music (a guy playing a zither - can you believe it?). Oh, and the leading man does't appear until an hour into the film. All the hallmarks of a cheap B-movie, I think you'll agree.
Apollo 13
Some astronauts don't die.
The Day After Tomorrow
It gets cold.
The Lost World (Conan Doyle, not Crichton)
Apparently it wasn't.
Mulholland Drive
Surrealism. Murder. Bare breasts.
Dad's Army (the movie)
A group of eccentric old men do considerable damage to the British war effort, but apparently make up for it by capturing a couple of German airmen at the end.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Two implausibly sunny children squeak incessantly while a mad inventor and the heiress to a sweet factory fall in love in a car which is half Bentley half umbrella.
Blade 1
Lots of vampires around lead by vampire with short-man-syndrome. Big show down with good guy with flashy sword, baddie goes pop like the weasle.
Blade 2
Lots more vampires now led by Emperor Palpatine. Lots of freaky GM vampies. Oddballs vampires join good guy, odd balls die one by one. Good guy falls in love with odd ball, shows her a sunrise - oops!
Blade 3 - Trinity
Even more vampires (really you'd think more than one person would have found out about them by now!) now led by some dim girl having a perpetual bad-hair-day - good a reason as any for wanting to kill people I guess. One whiney ex-vampire who thinks he's funny gets beaten up, good guy loses best friend, Dracula fails to find a shirt with buttons or contact lenses that stay in place. Upset by this he fights good guy, dies. Sun rises, lots of vampires turn to dust. Sales of dust-pans go up by 60%, duster making factory saved - all live happily ever after.
Lassie Come Home
She does.
Pi
nothing to do with 3.14, oddly.
Contact
Attempt to make contact with aliens leaves everything open-ended in the end with nothing but 18 minutes of blank video tape to show anything happened.
House of Flying Daggers
Closed due to Health and Safety concerns.
My Fair Lady
“In just a few weeks I can take this American cockney flower girl and make her talk like an American English duchess”.
Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines
Lots of old aeroplanes set off to fly from London to Paris, most don’t get there.
Paint Your Wagon
“Man born under a wandering star and Man who talks to the trees seek Woman who wants to be a million miles away behind a door – object bigamy”.
Ben Hur

"BEN HUR - An incredibly long comedy - MUST BE SEEN TO BE BELIEVED - CHARIOTS, HORSES, PEOPLE! The best three hour sleep you'll have in years"
The Railway Children
Rich man helps other rich man get out of prison allowing rich family to return to rich surroundings and away from commoners.
The Theban Trilogy
Bitter family feud + a spot of incest = everyone dies.
Bridge on the River Kwai
Watch a bridge being built then blown up.
Troy
Some pretty girl bunks up with some ditzy boy, only -- wouldn't you know it? -- politics gets in the way. Duh! This huge "war" thing happens -- like, bummer -- but the big hero spends the whole time sulking in a tent -- until his boyfriend gets snuffed. Then there's this crazy horse business -- dude, you don't wanna know. And they go off and found Rome or something. Yeah, the Sistine Chapel and shit. Ice cream and pizza. Three coins in the fountain. Man, I'm hungry. Can we get take out?
Phone Booth
Colin Farrell gets a wrong number. Low budget setless psycho-pic featuring sex, prostitution, violence, corruption, lies, deception and greed. A bit like Emmerdale then. Phone company unable to help (no change there then) The Police stand around watching (nuf sed) and the Health professionals leave an injured man unattended in an ambulance (how New Labour) Surprisingly though well worth 83 minutes of your time to see it!
Alexander
Alexander leads a huge army on a quest to kill as many foreigners as possible, until after seven years the army has had enough and convinces him to take them home. For this he is called "Great". Men!
Garfield: the Movie
Identical to Toy Story 2, except with a cat in the lead rôle. In an incredible coincidence, it shares some writers with Toy Story 2, too.
Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
Very pretty shots of boats shooting at each other ruined by some quite shockingly crap actiing. Russell Crowe fails to die in scene 1, an obvious error.
About Schmidt
It's about a man called Schmidt.
About a Boy
It's about a boy.
All About My Mother
It's about my mother, and there's no room for a sequel.
A bout, my boy?
Rocky challenges his son.
A bout de souffle
Oh, probably about cooking and stuff, I expect.
Mulholland Drive
Don't ask me...
The Lost Highway
uhm... it's got some good music in it...
All About Eve
For some reason, they forgot to put Adam into the script. Coh, feminists.
Hamlet
The characters all quote old plays at each other. Then they die.
Easy Rider
Two stoners deal heroin to raise cash they then use to buy flash motorbikes during opening credits, then set off to look for America. Unfortunately, they find it.
Richard III
Evil usurping uncle after achieving the throne by murder is destablised by a theatrical vision. Lots of fighting, but less peple die in this happy variation on Macbeth and Hamlet.
Hamlet
Hamlet. Says it all.
So there's this teenager and he hates his mother and his stepdad and there's loads of drugs and gore and they all die.
So the Danish guy dies
Please pardon my attempts to beat Projoy to ending this game.
Not Danish but Aussie
So, could it be that whilst Sir Laurence Olivier and Kenneth Branagh fail to make the grade, the required Shakesperian corpse is, in fact, Mel Gibson?
None
*shouts, screams, generally goes wild for Uncle Korky*
I have no shame...
;)
Indeed you don't!
Rear Window
Gripping story about a man who spends all his time staring out of the window.
Oh....it's over.
Kim
Well, I'm still reading it..
Finding Nemo
A fish tries to find another fish called Nemo. He does.
snorgle
And me!
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