mc5 - So the Danish guy dies

Well, we've all seen those promising trailers that make the worst films seem like the next Oscar winner - how about writing a description that makes a classic sound absolutely dire? e.g. So there's this teenager and he hates his mother and his stepdad and there's loads of drugs and gore and they all die. Only better, hopefully. And without Mel Gibson.

Caligula

The (frequently naked) guy from Clockwork Orange shags everyone, including his sister (many times), Helen Mirren, and a hairy man. Like a Black Widow spider he then kills most of them and a large amount of passers-by and bystanders, and uses the word 'logical' a lot. Will Caligula get his comeuppance? Oh, graphically - now that's what we call poetic justice!

Cat People (the remake)

The (frequently topless) guy from Clockwork Orange follows his tedious sister around, trying to persuade her to shag him so that she won't turn into a vicious cat-like beast and claw to death whoever else she's shagging, the little minx. It's a remake.

Spiderman

There's this man, right, who's a bit like a spider, and he goes round acting like a man but has to hide the fact that he's a bit like a spider or the baddie (Willem Dafoe with a Gollum complex) will attack him on a motorised surfboard.

The Piano

A woman who doesn't speak spends an entire movie playing the piano and arguing with ugly people about other ugly people. At the end of the movie she throws away the piano.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Remember that popular children's book that Stephen Fry filled up 8 CDs reading? Well, we can do it in a billionth of the time with a whopping 2, 008 pence special effects budget. This time we have Christian Coulson.