<lie>Halloween is a holiday that is based around embracing scary things, particularly those involving Michael Portillo, the Daily Telegraph, Kenneth Clarke and the mythical Michael Howard. Ghosts, witches, black cats, goblins, banshees zombies, and demons, as well as Dracula and Frankenstein flee in terror on Halloween, when these strange figures are said to rise from the dead. </lie>
Dick Cheney will actually be dressing up as Hans Blix and going rubble-pile to rubble-pile in Tikrit begging for weapons of mass destruction. If he gets any, he'll put them in his secret lair under Pikes Peak.
I love Hallowe'en too. I spend the night of October 31st every year sitting atop the Eiffel Tower, talking to the ghosts of the miniature poodles, and launching eggs at Angus Prune's window with my ICBE launcher.
The quickest way to Birmingham is to seek enlightenment as a combination cub scout/Buddhist monk, and then get earn a badge in Divinity. Ascend to Nirvana, and turn left.
Dear Friend, I received encouraging information about you and how trust worth you are. I am delighted with such a useful information. I am interested in the partnership investment program with your corporation. First permit me to introduce myself as Governor Sandy Soko of the Western Sahara State in the Democratic Republic of Sahara (A tiny Island in the Desert). Being the chief executive and the governor of my State. I awarded the contract of IRRIGATION to Portuguese Firm worth several millions of dollars.
In the execution of that project the Portuguese Firm discovered large amount of gold in one of the contract site. I collaborated with the Portuguese Firm on a mutual agreement on the proceed of which I have received my share of $65.000,000=(sixty five million dollars).
As the Governor of the Tiny Island, I cannot introduce or circulate this funds into the Sahara banking system considering my provisional duty and the considering the fact that I earn less than $1,000US dollars monthly coupled with the Bureau of conduct guidelines and regulations for Public Civil Servants.
The above situation prompted my decision to give the whole lot to you. I will arrange all necessary procedures. You will find the money in a brown envelope, sellotaped to the plastic giraffe in the children’s play area of Exeter service station.
Ian Duncan Smith is to be plasted into orbit, from where his head will reflect enough sunlight to reduce coldness of the polar night, thereby allowing the polar bears to stay up later and practice football.
< lie=" this isn't a shameless crib from Carpe Diem" > The Jedi Gerbil Collective are on a mission to convert the entire meerkat population to Jedi-ism. < /lie >
On January 1st 2000, the town council of Lampshade, Montana unearthed a time capsule that had been buried beneath the City Hall on January 1st 1900. Inside were found an old newspaper, a buggy-whip, three old photographs, a bowler hat, and the entire cast of the 1998 German film Run Lola Run. (Okay, it's a Lie of the Day, but it was my Lie of the Day.)
All Liberal Democrats have a heartening vision of universal freedom, all Labour guys strive to improve the life of the common man and all Conservatives yearn to create a morally upstanding Britain. All voters want to help them.
The Tube map is actually at 1:1 scale. The tickets are soaked in a drug that, when absorbed into the skin, causes you to shrink drastically. Don't ever eat one, or you may not return to your proper size at the end of your journey!
Dr.KEITH PEAR United Bank For Africa PLC, ILupeju Branch, Lagos, Nigeria.
I am Dr.KEITH PEAR, Branch Manager with United Bank For Africa,Ilupeju Branch, Lagos, Nigeria. I have an urgent and very profitable business proposition for you that should be handled with extreme confidentiality. On January 6,1998 a Foreign Consultant and contractor with the Nigerian Railway Corporation Mr. Williams Gambe by name made a numbered time Fixed Deposit for twelve calendar months valued at US$25M (Twenty five Million United States Dollars Only) in my branch. Upon maturity I sent a routine notification in accordance with the Bank policy to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers Nigerian Railway Corporation that Mr. Williams Gambe died from an automobile accident.
On further investigation, we found out that he died without making a Will and all attempts to trace his next of kin was fruitless.
I therefore made further investigations and discovered that Mr. Williams Gambe did not declare any next of kin or relations in all his official documents including his Bank Deposit paperwork in my Bank.
This prompted me to contact you.
I have decided to spend the whole sum on a slap-up meal at ‘Thank God Its Fridays’ in Aston Cantlow with a whole stack of people I’ve never met before.
Will you come?
I await your response urgently. Regards, Dr.KEITH PEAR
Only if elephant tusks are not on the menu. If this is satisfactory to you please send to me your bank account details in order that we can confirm this in a professional manner.
I did not type this. I do not own a keyboard, and have to enter words onto the computer by a process involving my brain, a set of jump leads and the scrotum of a passing snapping turtle.
As ZK undoubtedly knows, as zoos are built up over time by people receiving animals through the mail. Lions require A3 envelopes, but chimpanzees can be sent by freepost.
Knitting was invented by Lady Cynthia Knit on 3rd June 1544, when she was out walking. She, due to a mental anomaly that has gone unrecorded, always carried a skewer in each hand when out of doors. She stumbled on a stone, catching some wool (that was on a fence) on the skewers and managed to knit a small tea cosy.
Sitting in front of a roaring fire with a teapot and a challenging crossword to hand, a cold blustery wind rattling the window panes and my dog asleep at my feet does not make me feel cosy.
I built a lifesize replica of the lost city of the Incas out of yoghurt pots and lollipop sticks and buried it on the beach at Cromer. Time Team found it and it is now on display in Sidney Opera House.
</lie> [AP] You've never been to Pittsburgh, have you? :) <lie> The Port Authority of Allegheny County is the most efficient mass transit company in the United States.
Mars Bars were at one time believed to be made out of meteorites, however N.A.S.A. probes proved that this was not possible (see any conspiracy site for confirmation!)
[BtD] Ah they're not called fun size for nothing [plump] not at all brilliant I never tire of listening to ****** Riverdance on hold to the Apple Store UK. It's only surpassed by when they have Enya on loop instead.
In the course of investigating the powers of the Lord Chancellor, Whitehall officials have discovered that every sentence uttered in the precincts of Westminster should be concluded with the word "stush" or "wagwan".
The spanish language does not have equivalent words for razor, snow, barbecue, pritt stick, bidet, Prince Harry, hedgehog, Indiana, marshmallow, rhinoplasty, trout, Putney, or hamburger.
I have not been waiting for over three hours for a customer to turn up for an appointment and (as I usually do in such a circumstance) am taking it in my stride.
Deep in the hallowed halls of Westminster, a small group of determined government frontbenchers plot the establishment of yet another organisation to consider a subject of public importance, but which is to be independent from the government. Could this be another job for Quango Prairie Dog?
I once danced with Keanu Reeves, but kept falling on the ground when he would do the dip. He seemed to hover above the ground and I could not keep up with him.
[Boolbar] I'm sure the bucks wouldn't have appreciated being rubbed together either.... I used to be the gasman for a local stock car team, but that was the pits.
None of the above were hilarious. I hate them all. They are not classic online Mornington Crescent. I used to work in a glue factory, but I couldn't stick with it.
I lost my job in meat refrigeration after the company I worked for relocated to the West Midlands and I was sent to Coventry and given the cold shoulder.
Before that (I've done a lot in my 87 years on this planet, among others) I was a tester for Viagra. The job grew on me, but eventually my workload plummeted.
Myself, I've been training in the medical field. For a while I worked as an opthamologist's assistant, but we just didn't see eye-to-eye. I tried to switch to cardiology, but my heart just wasn't in it. Then, I thought maybe I could fake it as an X-ray technician, but the supervisor saw right through me. The only job left was in proctology, and obviously, it's a real pain in the arse.