I just looked out of the window, and saw Omar Sharif riding a camel towards me.
Mirages only occur in warm desserts.
My doppelganger looks nothing like me.
[Thos] Same as me, and his doppleganger doesn't look like him or me, but his doppleganger looks exactly like me (but not the other two).
The Red Dragon that follows me around doesn't have a doppelganger. That makes us both proud to be Welsh.
I'm not stealing any of Projoy's material.
Projoy's material is 90% polyester.
I'm not hiding from customers right now, and certainly not listening to Just A Minute.
Projoy appeared on Just A Minute in 1998 as a late booking after Paul Merton caught Anthrax.
Sorry, that should have read "Paul Merton caught Anthrax Whirl of PantsMC."
Paul Merton chose his surname by throwing a dart at a map of Greater London. He threw a second one after getting only porno roles with his first name "Paul Cockfosters".
Zoë Ball had a love child with Tony Hawks.
That's utter Ball-Hawks.
Camp America is a fairly accurate description.
Camp America is the worlds largest importer of tentpoles.
Camp America is a euphemism for a field hospital set up to treat those troops with R.S.I. in the wrist.
The buns in my kitchen are plotting against the loaves in the freezer.
Kate Adie has been despatched to report on the coup d'toast in Ibid's kitchen.
I have just invented a cheese magnet which can attract pickle
However, I have ruined my own invention by also creating the all-soap ploughman's lunch.
My jars of pickle all just flew off my desk, politely waited until someone opened the door, then made off down the corridor.
[Thos] Ah. Nostalgia! My father was an All-Soap Ploughman.
The word "shallot" is too selfish to pass the sugar when asked.
My brother's trampoline has been knighted for services to raspberries.
I have a brother.
None of the Brothers of whom I have heard are considered to be 'one of the lads'
My broom is my best friend.
Lost X-rated Shakespeare scripts include Price of Denmark II - More Gore at Elsinore, The Merry ****s of Windsor (in which Fellatio returns from Venice, Bottom reappears and the messenger has a big part) and Bagpuss.
I was driving from Oslo to Stavanger, and was tailgated by a large lobster the entire way.
Our Chief Executive has been replaced by an Executive Chief, complete with feathery headdress, totem pole and attaché case.
The Attaché Indians are famed for their collection of scalps from cowboy builders.
I was a cowboy builder until I ran out of spurs & stetsons
I used to build coyboys, initially out of lego, and later on out of meccano. Several of them were extras in Westworld
You can get at least three coyboys for the price of a cowboy.
I have been mistaken for a coy boy many times - but not since I became a lady boy.
Jethro Tull's Aqualung is much misunderstood.
It sucks, too, and should be bought by no-one.
George Gershwin started the second world war with Porgy and Bess.
"Courgette" is an intrinsically funny word, as is "Spain".
Whereas the words "pineapple, "turd" and "lobster" have no humorous content whatsoever.
"Moist" is the most unfunny word ever.
My workplace sent us all home this afternoon, owing to an unexpected plague of locusts on the fifth floor.
The sand from Weymouth's beaches makes an excellent lubricant.
Sales of KY jelly are falling everywhere in the world as tubes of Weymouth sand eat up its market share.
I have done all the floors in my house as replicas of the Giant's Causeway in Co. Antrim.
Quibbling has been outlawed for many years in Co. Galway due to the excessive amounts of KY Jelly required. Ardent quibblers are optimistic that with the plentiful supplies of Weymouth Sand coming onto the market that their quibbling days may not be over!
Civilisation fell at 4:17pm GMT today.
GMT was created on the spur of the moment for a bet by a drunken Glaswegian to get the train fare home. As trains hadn't been invented yet, it didn't do him any good. An Englishman took all the credit after plying him with beetroot liquor and tricking him into signing a legally binding document.
[snorgle] That was in 1980, and that unfortunate Scotsman was our very own Watty. Rumours that the Englishman was Jeffrey Archer are unsubstaniated.
Joseph had to have some alterations made to his coat of many colours and lost all the orange bits in the process. It should actually be known as the coat of several colours but there was some faulty translation in the King James version of the Bible.
The orange bits were eventually found and recycled to form the coating on David Dickinson.
Misha Baryshnikov chose my bathroom for me and also came with me to pick out colours for the garage door.
The Canadian Dollar bill is made out of leather.
The EU Parliament generally consumes six tons of Belgian chocolate every single time it convenes.
When nobody is looking, cod prefer to swim about a metre above the surface of the water.
When nobody is looking, codpieces hover about a metre above the kilt of Watty.
Prince William weighs seventeen stone, but conceals it with clever use of makeup.
Envelopes are permitted to vote.
Music teachers all have special retractible mandibles that enable them to play big chords on the piano.
The Royal Shakespeare Company has recently run out of Shakespeares.
You can cure Alzheimer's by paddling in soup.
Clam chowder is highly explosive.
Porno for pyros mostly consists of naked flames.
This idea that you need some expensive "player" for CDs is just a con. Angle your CD correctly in alignment with the rays of the Sun and the whole solar system will resound to the beat of Roxy Music.
Contrary to popular belief, the Queen is deeply uninterested in her public and constitutional duties. She goes down the bookie's while official visits, state openings and protocol receptions are all done for her by a little man called Murgatroyd in a wig.
After downloading the latest up-dates (?) from Microsoft and having so much fun in so doing, I have to agree that this site has no humour at all.
I was flying by some men who were cleaning out ditches with Nanette Newman when she cried "Boolbar is a Fairy Princess". She grabbed me and tried to put me in a blender. When I protested, she said "but haven't you heard? Fairy liquid cleans more ditches".
Nanette Newman came round for a cup of fairy liquid this morning. She had been in a coma for 7 weeks, having been knocked unconscious by her own bra in a bizarre skateboarding accident. The soapy aroma of fairy-soft suds soon did the trick.
Flying Down to Rio was filmed in technichrome, allowing for a very exciting full range of greys.
Oranges are the only fruit. Apples and bananas are just pretending.
Stiff Records folded after the creation of the floppy disk.
The Victorians suppressed the hitherto unpublished last chapter of the Bible after Revelations, where Eve wakes up and sees Adam in the shower.
There are silverfish who live in Barnstaple who are trying to steal my hair.
Yesterday, G.W.Bush officially announced to the U.N. that the U.S.of A. was no longer the most powerful nation in the world, but no one heard him as his P.A. wouldn't work.
I caused the US power outages - sorry! I *thought* a 3 amp fuse would be enough...
[blame] I know several people who want to talk to you about that. They wanted to present you with this marvellous sponge cake, although they also said that it wasn't very well cooked what with the oven being out, and they had to just do the best they could by breathing on it in shifts.
Methalated spirits are distilled post mortem from methalated humans.
[Dunx] Sounds lovely!
[Blamelewis, Dunx] If they were serious about baking the cake, they could have heated the oven by lighting their farts.
Trunnions make a delicious accompaniment to leek and shock absorber soup if baked until golden.
An obscure law states that should a ruling monarch be ousted, the throne may be temporarily occupied by a cup of dilute sugar water until a more permanent solution is found.
Bromsgrove is haunted by the ghosts of pilchards
All of Saddam's weapons of mass destruction have been hidden under the bed of an Arizona motel for the last eighteen months.
The rule book is in the Catacombs of Acre.
Elvis Presley had taken it with him on holiday and took a wrong turn while exploring.
While down there, Elvis has written eighteen new albums, devised six entirely new ways of escaping a Dollis Hill loop, and worked out a way to make an everlasting power supply out of used teabags and an elderly vole.
At precisely 5:33 every morning, Alastair Campbell sings 'My Way' at the top of his voice.
[Ibid] I did not just come up with an apparatus to create a power supply out of used teabags and an elderly vole. It has nothing to do with wind power.
Billy Connolly makes eggs with cranberries while Delia Smith was a Glaswegian shipyard welder. The two are often confused.
The only sure way to kill a postman is by hitting him just below the knee with a sock filled with hob nobs.
Shadow home secretary Oliver Letwin was one of the vocalists for the original 'Blankety Blank' theme.
In 1999, NASA received a transmission from outer space that consisted of Donald Sinden singing Queen's 'Bohemian Rhapsody'
The word "nuncle" is obscene in all 31 dialects of Esperanto, except that spoken by the Brixton chapter of White Supremacists R Us where it is usually taken to mean "fruit pastry".
The Trappist Order of monks has been excommunicated by the Pope as it has been discovered that their object of worship is a mouse trap set by Jesus in his father's carpentry workshop.
Microsoft is to add an option for "Trappist Order" to Windows Explorer which will sort your files with the quietest first.
I dislike this site and did not miss this game at all during redevelopment. My Great Aunt Sheila is an otter.
Otters otter.
Bob's Aunt Sheila is not particularly great at all.
Fruit Chutney is comprised entirely of ground up bits of old trams.
There is no such word as 'Llama'.
The password to break into the FBI website is 'melons'.
Due to an unfortunate server error involving custard, the next statement will actually be true.
The previous statement is true.
The last statement was true.
This is the last ever statement in this game.
[Boolbar] That's a coincidence, since this is the first.
This is the last day of the first day of the rest of flerdle's fly.
If you use fluoride in Continental Europe you can prevent Prague.
There is no earthly phenomenon which cannot be explained solely in terms of chocolate.
The reason for this is that Dairy Milk is fundamentally linked to all things, but Chrunchie bars are discrete pocket universes.
Mars bars are being produced in greater numbers than ever before, hence the increased gravitational attraction and closer proximity to the planet that was named after them.
I am the very model of a modern Major-General
This is due to all the chocolate I eat.
Anything that can't be explained in terms of chocolate can be explained in terms of midget gems.
Midget gems are handled and regulated through DeLightBeers.
The single most intelligent being in the universe is a wine gum.
Sug mitt arslet ballet
That's the most intelligent thing anyone's said all day
The Sug-Mitt Arslet Ballet's most famous production "Slap My Jammy Badger" involved the cast smearing themselves with jam whilst doing arabesques.
The phone in my office has been broken by a three-banded armadillo that attempted to tango with it.
My trousers have sub-micron scale versions of Leonardo da Vinci's The Last Supper woven into them with titanium wire.
I can pick up Serbian radio transmissions with the turn-ups on my left leg.
Turnips can be used for stumps.
I can pick up Serbia, but France is too heavy.
Cows will fall over if you shake a turnip at them.
Carrickfergus fudge is the only explosive fudge.
However, most sticks of rock will explode readily in the presence of candy floss and a child under the age of 10. This is the real reason they are always so filthy.
Jammy Badger Slapping is illegal in Chiswick
To make up for this, everything else is legal there, which is why Chiswick is world renowned as a pit of moral turpitude.
I once fell into a pit of moral turpentine. It told me off for looking at other strippers.
Testicles are not funny.
I'm having a ball.
I was a late arrival to the Urologists' Ball.
It is illegal to say "slat" north of Inverness
I once went out with a slat, she was a bit of a goer.
Goer is a village in Derbyshire noted for it's slats.
[BtD] It's near the Hamlet of Mathy Caw, I believe.
Yesterday I met a lady who assured me that all that glittered was Gold. She made some interesting purchases too.
glistered not glittered
The custom dictionary is always right.
Roget wrote his thesaurus after losing a bar bet about how many synonyms there are for "harlot".
Roget's real name was actually Roger - but 'Rogers The Saurus' was deemed to be an unsuitable title for such a worthy tome as he might become the victim of crass innuendo.
I have recently pitied the fool that tried to get me onto an aeroplane.
In case of infirmity in old age, I am going to buy a stair-lift to heaven, in case my staircase should prove too arduous a climb.
I have a USB cat.
I catch the Universal Serial Bus to work every morning.
The Universal Cereal Bus stops by every morning. I usually get a bowl of pure bran fiber with marshmallows.
I have a parallel port next to Portsmouth.
I cut down a tree by mistake last week. We're saving the Error Log to burn at Christmas.
"My error log is SoBig...."
The coat of arms for Bromsgrove is a guinea pig rampant and bears the Latin motto Demum, veniunt porci.
This is all true.
Bruce Forsyth actually detests the sight of other people, the sight of other people detests.
Thanks to USB compatibility I can now speak Swahili.
I have just put more RAM in my computer. He was a bit too big so his curly horns are sticking out of my floppy drive.
I have just pawned my knees to raise money to buy a new nose. My original nose was stolen by a collector of nasal hare, a rare breed of leporid.
I have an aging pop singer up my nose....that's right, Cilia Black.
Here is a picture of me on the beach with no clothes on.
The Queen secretly detests corgis, and just keeps them around for show. When no-one is looking, she thwaps them with her royal sceptre.
[snorgle] That makes Projoy proud to be Welsh.
My kaleidoscope has been spelling out secret messages to me for the last five years. Thanks to its efforts I now have a full list of Iraqi weapons deveopment sites and honest lawyers.
One of Queen Victoria's favourite recreations was sipping.
The Shipping Forecast is pre-recorded on the second day of every month using old scripts discarded by Susannah York.
Suzanne Charlton is so short that when she did television weather forecasts she had to stand on a box.
The Sipping Forecast is broadcast on Radio 4 longwave at 3.47am every day. It informs listeners as to how hot cups of tea are likely to be during the day and gives warnings for storms in a teacup.
I recently mistook my bagpies for our cat. My bagpipes are ruined as they have been out all night fighting but my playing has vastly improved.
I also play the trombone.
Personally, I specialise in playing the slide Casiotone.
I tried playing the slide rule, but wound up only being able to tell everyone the exact amount I'd got taller by.
My ISP uses a slide-rule to keep connected to the rest of the Internet. And it's always perfectly reliable, and doesn't ever drop out.
Bagpies are a traditional dish in the lowlands of Surrey. In nearby Sussex they go for the more bijou handbagpies.
The delicacy 'bagpies' is a corruption of 'bagpuss', as the pies were originally coloured in pink and yellow stripes prior to a Japanese buy out.
Parallelograms are just pentagons that have spent too much time in front of the telly and so are out of shape.
Prestatyn snails are the only gymnastic snails!
The ringtone on my mobile phone is John Cage's 4'33". Annoyingly, no-one calls anymore.
Boolbar] Are you quite sure that is not the one by Mike Batt that I have on my mobile? If you listen very carefully you can hear muffled cries of ecstasy as Mme. Cholet and Tomsk were ‘Wombling’ on top of the mixing desk while it was being recorded. This explains why the volume was turned down so low.
I have just been ratified by sixteen foreign ministers at the UN headquarters in Geneva.
Ratification is illegal in 16 states (but not Utah, where it is obligatory), the Falkland Islands, Cuba, and occasionally Budapest.
Since the surprise handover of power in Cuba last week, the inhabitants have been spending much of their time with puzzled frowns and scratched brows as they try to fathom out the town planning alterations enacted by new President, Erno Rubik. Some tower block residents have found that they have to enter their building sideways via an outside door on the fifth floor, and then are still not sure whether their flat has moved again since they left for work that morning.
In an effort to be more accessible and interesting, the UN is replacing all its international accords with international accordions.
The Accordion Plot should have been a story in Sylvester McCoy's last season in Doctor Who, but, fortunately, the BBC pulled the plug.
There was a mysterious old tramp in the tube station this morning tunelessly playing a Kyoto Protocol.
It is now lawful to have tunes in tube stations. They help you breathe more easily.
Under terms from the Johannesburg Earth Summit, tube stations must now be redecorated with leaves to promote a healthy atmosphere and provide excuses for late services.
Russia's Volga River has just declared bankruptcy, with debts of over seventy trillion roubles. Experts are currently scratching their heads over how it can be made to liquidate.
Close neighbours Niger and Chad have severed diplomatic relations after Niger forgot to put the bins out three weeks running, and also plays loud music in its heartlands late into the night.
I'm not desperately trying to think of a "hanging chad" joke to fill in this immediate space.
Pomegranites have been declared illegal in Lichtenstein. Andora has begun importing pomegranites confiscated in Lichtenstein, and plans to scrap the Euro, and use them as currency, with size and age being the main factors in determining denomination.
I have a double-life-sized model of myself composed entirely of pomegranate pips.
"Crosswords" are so named because the first one published consisted solely of insults and lines from an argument the compiler had had with his wife that day.
I'm the urban spaceman, baby.
Tuj don't exist.
Astatine is the only element not to belong to a trade union.
Tujes always come in pairs, and are never seen alone. Projoys flock, and DrQu+xums herd. The collective noun for MC players is a gaggle, obviously.
Bob the dogs come in packs of seven. It is usually six, but there is a special offer on at the moment.
Many people enjoy living on ashrams, but these are now full up and will need emptying and wiping with a cloth by the barmaid.
I spend nearly all my time in a state of grace, and the remainder in a state of Grayson.
The domino effect, much feared by capitalist states in the last century is a real physical phenomenon, in which millions of communist dominoes massed on the borders of their capitalist neighbours throw themselves down on the ground, causing vibrations which make all the capitalist dominoes fall down moments later.
Simon Bolivar suffered from a bad case of bolivs, hence his name.
An interregnum is a period in between Reginalds.
An optimist is a man who looks after your eyes and a pessimist is a man who looks after your feet.
Bumble bees exist in a state of quantum flux, so that they never exist in one place with more than a 50% probability.
The part of a bumble bee which is not in the place where the bee is observed is called the bumble be-not.
Kiwi fruit are rather misleadingly named, since they in fact ripen into wallabies.
Nothing is better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
Lemons are made out of melons.
My stairs are made out of apples and pears.
Camberwell is radioactive again this afternoon.
There is no such thing as this-ness.
There's no this-ness like show-this-ness!
Loch Ness is the state of being like a Loch.
I regularly experience feelings of Lochness.
[Dunx] The latest theories in quantum apiology demonstrate that bumble bees cannot exist in a solitary state - they are always in a diapis form, known as the 2bee. On observing the diapis, the waveform collapses into either a present bee or the not present bee, in other words 2bee or not2bee.
Ibid is an unacknowledged genius. And Icelandic.
[Ibid] Ah - that explains a lot.
My parents were professional drinks coasters.
[Projoy] What a coincidence - my parents used to surf in a pint of Guinness left at the back table of the snug of the Kings Toenail pub in Wigan.
Spoons call lying snugly together "peopling"
Rambert Dance Company is a hotbed of satanism.
There are no suspicious practicioners of satanic square dancing across the road fom me. I am not scared.
As well as writing a Left-Hand Concerto for Paul Wittgenstein, who lost his arm in the war, Maurice Ravel wrote a No-Hands Concerto in G, in which the unfortunate amputee soloist prevails upon a fellow pianist to pick out the notes on his behalf.
[Pace BTG and Projoy] I often experience feelings of Lochnesslessness.
I have never experienced writer's blo
Labrador retrievers are entirely composed of tuna fish sandwiches
Marie Stopes wore the same body stocking for the whole of her thirties.
Body stocking is widely frowned upon by the authorities.
This week is National Spot the Aardvark week.
*points at Projoy* You have been spotted.
I have decided not to participate in National Spot the Aardvark week because my paint has dried up.
Swordmakers have discovered a fabulous new alloy based on sponge cake, which is stronger, lighter, and more delicious than anything based on steel. However, the more traditional swordsmiths have refused to use this alloy since it would render the phrase "a taste of cold steel" meaningless.
Princes all have little self-destruct buttons under the hair on the backs of their heads. They also have extendable power cords.
The cost of princes has remained fairly stable over the last 10 years, according to the Retail Prince Index.
I am the aardvark formally known as prince.
The auto-erotic sales section of our local paper advertises car-phone-sex-lines. Titles include Home-Alone Fiat Panda, Escort Service and MOT and Lick My Volvo.
That's nothing. There's a card in the telephone box round the corner advertising the favours of an Intercity locomotive. Goes like the 4.15 from Paddington, apparently.
Tomorrow is International Walk Like A Pirate Day. Arrr!!
With a parrot on my shoulder and a cutlass in my hand, I am spying on Kate Bush while hiding in her shrubbery. That's right, it's International Stalk Like A Pirate Day, arrrr!
I wanted to pick up on this running gag, but I can't owing to my wooden leg.
Long John Silver's horse had three wooden legs.
And, strangely, his dining table kept falling over.
The most famous pirate who ever sailed the seven seas was Gilbert Perkins, whom fate had destined to be a chartered accountant, but, by pure freak of chance, was given misleading advice by a senile careers advisor at the end of his O-levels.
Perkins would have had no chance at accountancy. He was half Irish, half Scottish, a quarter Canadian, two-thirds Polish, and seven-eighths Nigerian, so his teachers dismissed him as being mathematically impossible.
There may only be seven seas now, but there was an eighth until its warranty ran out and it sank.
Pirates are a myth created by a subterrainean bureaucracy that has severe spelling difficulties to mask it's activities with the King of Canada's daughter
tongue twisters make baby jesus cry
Jesus is the Son of God. Damn! No-one will buy that rubbish! Yarr!
Jesus is a cry baby. (Three nails and a briar never hurt anyone!)
I'm afraid I can't write a lie here at the moment as I'm too busy composing my next move for the Furcation Game.
Kimg Hussein of Jordan came to visit me,
and all for the sake of my little nut tree.
and all for the sake of my little nut tree.
That would be "King", of course. It's so confusing....
[matt] You're allowed to Pass...
You should always pass on the inside lane, unless it's raining, when you should use the outside lane. In the case of a dire need to prove something you can pass on the opposite side of the motorway, but only at a major junction. Otherwise, ramming the vehicle in front, especially if it's a minibus, articulated lorry or horse-drawn carriage is obligatory.
Robin Cook wielding a saucepan is the scariest thing on the seven seas.
Queen's 'Seven Seas of Rhye' was originally entitled 'Seven Seas' - much snappier, one would think. Anyway, those vitamin supplement people threatened litigation, Freddie went all huffy and re-named the track just to keep people guessing.
Freddie's earliest idea for the title was, in fact, "Christians can corrupt childrens' CD's, creating chaos", which was then shortened to "7 C's". This proves the monkeys and typewriters theory of probability.
I am David Blaine, this post is another example of my amazing powers - I made a computer with a wifi card out of water.
Each night when no one watches I astrally project into the nearest MacDonalds and wolf down a Big Mac or three.
Three days into my stunt I got bored writing in my journal and instead have started drawing pictures of housebricks.
I can see the pub from here
David Blaine came 'round for a cup of complan this morning.
There's no reason to talk like a pirate now.
I'd be averse to continuing.
I be continuing a verse.
Which is why I contributed a superb and witty last line to the current limerick.
Which is why I contributed a superb and witty last line to the current limerick.
I was going to write a currant Limerick, but couldn't think of a raisin.
Raisin The Titanic was a popular film amongst the dried fruit community.