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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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foiled again!)
I worked in a peach orchard. It was the pits.
I was one of Santa's elves, but I got the sack.
I used to be a butcher which, as you can imagine, was quite fulfilling - then they gave me the axe...
I made Spam, until they canned me.
I worked so hard at being a lift attendant that they gave me a rise.
For a while I worked in a lingere shop, but they gave me the pink slip.
I used to put peas in tins, 44 per tin. One day I got my pea 45.
I used to be a ritual circumciser, but one day I slipped and got the sack.
I used to be a train conductor, but resigned when I realised I was going nowhere.
I used to be a trapeze artist until I was dropped.
I studied to be a florist, but my career was nipped in the bud.
I once had a job in a towel factory, but the company folded.
I used to work for Chidrens BBC in the 70's. I lost the job when I dropped a clanger.
I was going to be a historian, but realised that there was no future in it.
I used to work in the Evian factory, but I lost my bottle.
Last summer I took up skydiving, but I didn't make it through the fall.
Then I took some courses to be a mortgage broker, but after a while I lost interest.
I used to be a gastroenterologist, but I just couldn't stomach
I used to be a bacteriologist, but I couldn't take the strain.
I, too, had a banking job for a short time, but the manager said I lacked principle.
I was a vascular surgeon, but wanted to try something in a different vein.
I worked in a diet pill factory until I was downsized.
I used to work in a footwear shop until one day I got the boot.
I studied to be an airline pilot, but my career never got off the ground.
I was involved in cloning research...then I was made redundant.
I worked in a clearing house for dud cheques until I resigned.
I had a job making cannons for tanks until I was discharged.
I quit my job at Mountaineer Race Track & Casino ... too much Wheeling and dealing.
I used to make sausage...then one day I was sent packing.
I was a pool hustler until I was blackballed.
I was a fence-builder until I was shown the gate.
I used to be a mountain climber, but I quit in a fit of peak.
I used to be a human cannonball, but they wouldn't fire me, so I lost my job. :)
I used to be a zooological keeper, but there were claws in my contract that led to my release.
I was hoping for promotion at the mail order apple seed company, but I was pipped to the post.
In desperation I took a job in a bakery. I just needed the dough.
I worked bottling natural water, but lost my job in the spring.
[Tina] But did you really knead the dough?
I lost my job as a medium when I went through a bad spell.
I used to drill for oil, but it got too boring.
Then I became a spy, but the work bugged me.
I also looked after a herd of deer, but the job paid badly. I didn't have two bucks to rub together.
[Boolbar] I'm sure the bucks wouldn't have appreciated being rubbed together either....
I used to be the gasman for a local stock car team, but that was the pits.
When I was in kennels, the company went broke and had to call in the retrievers.
I auditioned for the starring role in a documentary on a American quarterback-turned-politician, but I was rejected because of my un-Kemp appearence.
I used to be a dustman, but the job was rubbish.
Then I became a chef, but the job wasn't all it was cooked up to be.
[BtD] When I worked in kennels, I made such a mess of things they told me to go take a long walk.
Then I joined an athletics club, but I was so terrible at the field events, they told me to go take a running jump.
Back in high school, I was on the cross-country team until I was given my walking papers.
None of the above were hilarious. I hate them all. They are not classic online Mornington Crescent.
I used to work in a glue factory, but I couldn't stick with it.
On a similar line, I applied to be a lumberjack, but I just didn't cut it.
I used to be a Spice Girl.
I used to be a drag queen, but I dropped out.
I worked in a spice factory, but couldn't cut the mustard.
I tried road paving once, but didn't make the grade.
I used to drive a cement lorry, but gave it up because I wanted something more concrete.
I became a partner in a building firm, but the other guy screwed me over and bolted.
I worked in a fireworks factory, but the work fizzled out.
I used to be a terrible songwriter until I composed myself.
I was once going to be Chief Photographer for the local rag and was rather disappointed when the editor told me I was no longer in the picture.
I took up a job with a bra manufacturer but they went bust.
I tried to get work as a network security analyst, but I just couldn't hack it.
After that, I considered a job at Planters, but they make you work for peanuts.
[DrQ] "made redundant" -- brilliant!
I lost my job in meat refrigeration after the company I worked for relocated to the West Midlands and I was sent to Coventry and given the cold shoulder.
I was once a barker but I left of my own free will - it's a dog of a job.
I too worked under the big top, but it was a three ring circus.
I used to work for a removal firm, but I just felt boxed in.
I went on to be a chef, but they caught me cooking the books
So I moved on to take a couple of jobs in the circus, but I just couldn't keep juggling them all.
I then took up sports - tennis, basketball, squash etc, - but it was just too many balls in the air.
I tried working as a dream analyst, but it was just a nightmare.
I took up interior decorating, but I got plastered
Then I tried being a trawlerman, but there was just something fishy about it.
I was doing watch repairs for a while. At first it went like clockwork, but then I got ticked off.
My stint in a paper perforating shop ended when I was sacked for being a tearaway.
Min you, not as bad as being sacked from that brass band for blowing my own trumpet.
I had to quick as a sheep castrator because... well, it was just bollocks.
Ahem... I mean, I had to quit as a sheep castrator because... well, it was just bollocks.
After my unsuccessful stint at the fairground I became a seamstress, but someone stitched me up.
My last job as a Cartesian philosopher was going well, but my boss started thinking less of it until it no longer existed.
Before that, I sold turkeys until my company was gobbled up.
Before that, I was a navigator for Nocturne Airlines. It didn't last long since it was such a fly-by-night operation.
Many years ago I used to work for a magician, but he disappeared.
Before that (I've done a lot in my 87 years on this planet, among others) I was a tester for Viagra. The job grew on me, but eventually my workload plummeted.
My first job was with a maritime salvage company - I even bought shares in the company - but I left when they were delisted. sorry!
I used to think I had my career all mapped out when I trained as a cartographer, but that, too, folded.
I was a video editor, but I just couldn't cut it.
I used to work for King Midas, until I was given the golden handshake.
I used to work at Mornington Crescent, but they told me my job was on the line.
I used to write crosswords, but as it turned out I was clueless.
I fully understand, Tina. I used to bury myself in the cryptics, but - being an alien - I was interred.
Then again, I used to be a director of an orange juice company - I was squeezed out.
The job before that was with a laundrette mob, but they hung me out to dry.
I used to be a model for the M&S catalogue. When I told them it was a pants job, they debriefed me.
Myself, I've been training in the medical field. For a while I worked as an opthamologist's assistant, but we just didn't see eye-to-eye. I tried to switch to cardiology, but my heart just wasn't in it. Then, I thought maybe I could fake it as an X-ray technician, but the supervisor saw right through me. The only job left was in proctology, and obviously, it's a real pain in the arse.
I made cuddly toys for a little while, but I stuffed it up.
I used to work in a chemist before they dispensed with my services.
A year ago I couldn't spell educated. Now I are it.
I used to shear sheep, but then I was fleeced.
I used to survey cul-de-sacs until I realised it was a dead end job.
I used to work in a pyschological testing laboratory, but I wanted to get out of the rat race.
I used to have a lounge act singing Frank Sinatra songs, but when the Summer Wind came along I looked for something else to doobie-doobie-do.
I tried to move from choir conducting to bus conducting but it didn't quite work out and in the end I had to go back to my old job and face the music.
I used to be a male escort, but I was laid off.
Afterwards, I tried to be a plumber, but that went down the crapper as well.
I used to be a telephonist, but I got transferred.
I used to be a virus checker but &^£%__$£G B*%&GK UY&%&PGG JH*& (&^^& %&) ?:@~{KJJGF DFSQD!£ ¬"?>LJZ ||~LIU ITU.
I used to be the speaking clock, until the management gave me a hard time.
I was almost given the lead part in Castaway, but they said that I was washed up. I mistook this for an insult and turned it down.
i uused too bee a prove reeder.
I used to be a dermatologist, but I got itchy feet
I'm a national tree surgeon. I have branches everywhere.
I loved my job in the neon light factory. It was a gas!
I used to work at a funeral palour until I was sacked for being late.
I used to pluck ducks but the job got me down.
It have been looking in here every day recently. My brother and his friends didn't circulate some emails last year with some excessively clean and unfunny job description puns and I'm not at all tempted to post them in here. They simply aren't rude enough.
I actually became a tree surgeon due to a flash of inspiration - I was leafing through the job adverts when suddenly I twigged.
I used to be a p0rn star, but I couldn't keep it up. I tried to go into menswear sales but was told I was unsuited.
To reach my tree surgery helpline, dial a trunk call.
I can't. I'm a failed plumber, and all my calls are tapped.
I used to be a professional masturbator, but I just couldn't hold my own.
I had to give up my rôle of Agony Aunt. I had a low threshold of pain.
It's no good trying to contact me when I'm at work. Since I started this job as a professional hangman, all my callers have hung up on me.
[ZK] Doesn't matter, I'm not very good, you'd have to be barking to call me.
I'd have to be a bit of a sap, then? Do you reckon you need counselling? Don't give up too soon and leave - your problems are probably deeply rooted. I know an excellent Tree Surgeon therapist, Den Dron.
I quit my job in the synthetic rubber plant, when my first pay cheque bounced.
I used to have a job performing ultrasounds on expectant mothers to determine the sex of their babies. For some reason, the mothers never seemed happy with my work. I don't know what those women were expecting!
I too apprenticed as a plumber, but my career went down the drain.
I tried to work as a plumber, but I didn't want to faucet.
Amazing: so did I - I was hopeless though and, inevitably and not unexpectedly, they gave me the elbow.
I used to market sporting equipment to the hockey community. When I approached the football authorities for a similar position they gave me the boot: they claimed I had unrealistic goals.
[Dujon] Did they tell you to puck off?
My last effort at holding down a job was as an assistant to an optician. It was going OK, but then I was framed.
[Dunx] No, but my old colleagues didn't half give me some stick!
After that I tried being an electrical salesman. That only lasted until the company found I didn't have the proper connections.
I quickly moved to flogging fridge magnets, but it wasn't really my field.
From there it was to electrical componentry, but customer resistance was high and, anyway, I found I just didn't have the necessary capacity.
After that (and this was a buzz) I became an apiarist, but had to resign when I found I had hives.
I got a mariners' ticket and a job as first mate, but that foundered when one of my seamen rocked the boat.
At one stage I worked for an pest exterminator, but I got the flick, man. Aussie's only will get that - unless a certain company operates in the U.K. and N.Am. regions.
I also had a job as a circus clown, but had to leave in rather 'funny' circumstances.
Sorry, I forgot: I used to have a catering job with Virgin Airlines ... I was grounded when I didn't serve the cherries. ... coat ...
I used to be a gynaecologist, but I couldn't stand all the fannying about, so I left to go into dermatology. Looking back, it was a little rash...
I tried being a proctologist, but I arsed around one day, and as for my prospects, well, I rectum.
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