Keith Barron (David Pearce in BBC classic comedy 'Duty Free') had the outstanding ability to respire using oxygen derived from the breakdown of water molecules using his hair. This enabled him to spend lengthy periods underwater without surfacing. Unfortunatley he also produced vast quantities of hydrogen as a by-product, and was responsible for a number of explosions in the South Yorkshire area.
It was revealed in last night's Evening Post that 'First Avon and Somerset' is an anagram of 'We want to hurt every resident in the Bath area personally'.
The concept of the 'Geostationary orbit' was concieved by Floella Benjeman and Hamble, and falsly claimed by Arthur C Clarke. However it was Arthur C's idea to use different shaped magic windows in Playschool.
I recently fell in love. Love has the texture and colouring of watery Turkish delight. It took me ages to get my clothes clean and even now I'm followed everywhere by an army of tom cats with amorous expressions.
I'm certainly not listening to Dolly Parton's 9 to 5 mixed with Röyksopp's Eple and enjoying the hell out of it. Or bopping my head along with it in the library. Or getting funny looks.
Used hand handgrenades are a very rare commodity, therefore their prices are extortionatly inflated. Beware of people selling new ones and claiming that they are used- they may infact be lying.
Fact- I left home this morning, not realising that I had infact left my car keys behind. Imagine my surprise when I arrived at work and realised this, and wondered how I had infact got there successfully...........
I am not at all pleased that planning for the Rugby Pilg 2 seems to be gathering momentum with a good crowd of participants. I'm dreading the whole thing.
In Shakespearean times it was in fact perfectly OK for women to appear on stage, contrary to popular opinion. But you know what actors are like, any excuse for some transvestitism. The Bard himself was known as "Big Wilhelmina" at the weekends.
when they change everything around at work, it makes for a hilarious shift. [/lie]I should stop using this game to complain about my job, I suppose. this'll be the last one.[lie]
In the event that my postulations continue to reverberate in such lonely fashion, I shall be forced to set off o'er yonder hillock for the purpose of procuring compounds designed to precipitate a psychological episode of the type not at all advocated by the human resources department.
onion bahjis have just peaked at $0.14 a barrel on the US commodities market- this is due to a siginficant increase in the demand from China, South Korea and South Yorkshire
Scientists working at the University of Tegiucigalpa have just announced the first scotch egg with a rudimentary consciousness. The scotch egg was conscious for less than 4 picoseconds, but in that time it managed to think about doing some ironing.
The human brain is often described as being like porridge. Sadly, few people extend this idea, for if they did, and added brown sugar and golden syrup to their brain, and gave it a good stir, it would actually work rather better.
There is a new vegetarian restaurant opening in Charlotte Street, London devoted solely to gnocchi. Little Dumplings (as it is called) is the brainchild of Leonardo and Sylvia Flavorisimo, originally of Naples. The gnocchi will be served plain or with a light grey sauce.
Boris Kerfuffle (74) has maintained all his life that you won't get far in the world unless you can master crêpe paper. He himself has a car made from nothing but crêpe paper and, if he had a lot more money, would be a millionaire.
after today's exploits, I think I might become a train conductor. it seems so much fun. in an unrelated note, i'm in love with all three of arriva trains wales, virgin trains and first great western trains.
Help help! Retail store fashion mannequins from Next and Burtons have just burst through the door and are shooting everyone with their hands! I reckon that the Birmingham wheel has been used as some kind of mega transmitter device by aliens capable of turning plastic into organic life forms and controlling them with the aim of annihilating humanity! Now where did I leave that bottle of cellulose thinners?
Scientists have conclusively proved that the most satisfied a human can be is when it has removed all the grit from under its fingernails, provided there are no oranges in the vicinity.
By rubbing in a tablespoon of lemon juice, a tablespoon of malt vinegar and a tablespoon of single malt whiskey to a stain on white or pale fabric, one can easily add three new types of stain to one's laundry!
Today I've been enjoying abnormally frequent intestinal evacuations with fluid stools, my doctor told me it was diarrhoea, and has a tendanancy to run in our family.
A young lady in down-town Macclesfield repeatedly makes the same observation about the inclemency of the weather. Looks like this is another case for SARCASTIC RABBIT!
"My teenage son Clarence is 3'4" tall and prefers dressing in green tights as opposed to the traditional red of the Cringle family. I shall surprise him next Christmas with a strand of my DNA seeing as he does not possess one already."
In England and Wales, any citizen may establish a local tradition by application to English Heritage (Office of Tradishment), with documentary evidence that the prospective traditional act has been carried out in the same public place in at least three consecutive years, by a group of not less than five people on each occasion. Known as a Listed Tradition, it is then legally required to be performed in perpetuity or until delisted by permission of the same body.
I used to be the person who reads the dictionary on Countdown, but I left to become a team captain on Call My Bluff. After 13 highly successful seasons on the show, I was awarded the OBE in 1992 and died at my home near Clacton-on-Sea two years later, aged 84.
Strictly in the interest of genetics, I have isolated [outside the laboratory] a unique recombinant strain thru the combined molecular DNA's of various kisses [i.e. Eskimo, French, Aussie, Butterfly, Rose Petal, Rainbow, Strawberry, Whip Cream, Hershey's, etc.] and all it required was procuring a cheek swab from Paris Hilton.
The earliest known steeplejack came about in the horrible blizzard of 1547 when Angus McCrass rode his donkey into town and tethered it to what he assumed was the hitching post. Unaware the town was completely covered with snow, Angus McCrass wandered off in search of the tavern and presumably became disoriented and ultimately perished of frostbite. In the aftermath of the thaw, his body was not found, only his ass! [Swinging from the church steeple.]
Improve your general health by inhaling the miracle gas Carbon Monoxide. After only ten minutes or so the medicinal benefits will become obvious to all who see your rosy complexion.
The first spin doctor was Dr Hadrian Gapp, adviser to President Taft. Although he was a great innovator in the field, there was much still to learn and he soon came to regret his advice to the great man on securing election victory, which was to campaign wrapped in frayed, greying bandages, repeatedly moaning, "Must... replenish!"
By wearing the cape of fruitinessTM, I can make over-loud, urbane conversation in art galleries while wearing yellow spats, and not be thought an utter fool.
This advice in from the National Film Tutors and Allotment Union: "the very best clothes to wear for an important interview this week are Little Lord Fauntleroy doublet and hose; A massive ruff of at least 4ft diameter and Disney "Eat Me" shoes.
In the 1951 general election the swingometer swung so far that although Labour won massively, the arrow went right round and Winston Churchill's Conservatives ended up getting all of the available seats, plus 60 extra. Not only was there a massive fight for office space at the Commons, but the 60 additional MPs had to find previously unrepresented parts of the world to be their constituencies. Sir Reginald Twice-Muchly represented the town of Omsk and Hubert Hankering-After had to deal with constituency business for the whole of South America.
Keats wrote the immortal words "Silent upon a peak in Darien" while riding the Number 4 omnibus to Kettering. Having composed the phrase, but with no paper handy, he repeated it to himself over and over until he was ejected from the 'bus at Burton Latimer, which forced him to walk the rest of the way. Ironically, the line is utterly forgotten now, by everyone.