arrow_circle_left arrow_circle_up arrow_circle_right
... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
arrow_circle_up
Back in high school, I was on the cross-country team until I was given my walking papers.
None of the above were hilarious. I hate them all. They are not classic online Mornington Crescent.
I used to work in a glue factory, but I couldn't stick with it.
On a similar line, I applied to be a lumberjack, but I just didn't cut it.
I used to be a Spice Girl.
I used to be a drag queen, but I dropped out.
I worked in a spice factory, but couldn't cut the mustard.
I tried road paving once, but didn't make the grade.
I used to drive a cement lorry, but gave it up because I wanted something more concrete.
I became a partner in a building firm, but the other guy screwed me over and bolted.
I worked in a fireworks factory, but the work fizzled out.
I used to be a terrible songwriter until I composed myself.
I was once going to be Chief Photographer for the local rag and was rather disappointed when the editor told me I was no longer in the picture.
I took up a job with a bra manufacturer but they went bust.
I tried to get work as a network security analyst, but I just couldn't hack it.
After that, I considered a job at Planters, but they make you work for peanuts.
[DrQ] "made redundant" -- brilliant!
I lost my job in meat refrigeration after the company I worked for relocated to the West Midlands and I was sent to Coventry and given the cold shoulder.
I was once a barker but I left of my own free will - it's a dog of a job.
I too worked under the big top, but it was a three ring circus.
I used to work for a removal firm, but I just felt boxed in.
I went on to be a chef, but they caught me cooking the books
So I moved on to take a couple of jobs in the circus, but I just couldn't keep juggling them all.
I then took up sports - tennis, basketball, squash etc, - but it was just too many balls in the air.
I tried working as a dream analyst, but it was just a nightmare.
I took up interior decorating, but I got plastered
Then I tried being a trawlerman, but there was just something fishy about it.
I was doing watch repairs for a while. At first it went like clockwork, but then I got ticked off.
My stint in a paper perforating shop ended when I was sacked for being a tearaway.
Min you, not as bad as being sacked from that brass band for blowing my own trumpet.
I had to quick as a sheep castrator because... well, it was just bollocks.
Ahem... I mean, I had to quit as a sheep castrator because... well, it was just bollocks.
After my unsuccessful stint at the fairground I became a seamstress, but someone stitched me up.
My last job as a Cartesian philosopher was going well, but my boss started thinking less of it until it no longer existed.
Before that, I sold turkeys until my company was gobbled up.
Before that, I was a navigator for Nocturne Airlines. It didn't last long since it was such a fly-by-night operation.
Many years ago I used to work for a magician, but he disappeared.
Before that (I've done a lot in my 87 years on this planet, among others) I was a tester for Viagra. The job grew on me, but eventually my workload plummeted.
My first job was with a maritime salvage company - I even bought shares in the company - but I left when they were delisted. sorry!
I used to think I had my career all mapped out when I trained as a cartographer, but that, too, folded.
I was a video editor, but I just couldn't cut it.
I used to work for King Midas, until I was given the golden handshake.
I used to work at Mornington Crescent, but they told me my job was on the line.
I used to write crosswords, but as it turned out I was clueless.
I fully understand, Tina. I used to bury myself in the cryptics, but - being an alien - I was interred.
Then again, I used to be a director of an orange juice company - I was squeezed out.
The job before that was with a laundrette mob, but they hung me out to dry.
I used to be a model for the M&S catalogue. When I told them it was a pants job, they debriefed me.
Myself, I've been training in the medical field. For a while I worked as an opthamologist's assistant, but we just didn't see eye-to-eye. I tried to switch to cardiology, but my heart just wasn't in it. Then, I thought maybe I could fake it as an X-ray technician, but the supervisor saw right through me. The only job left was in proctology, and obviously, it's a real pain in the arse.
I made cuddly toys for a little while, but I stuffed it up.
I used to work in a chemist before they dispensed with my services.
A year ago I couldn't spell educated. Now I are it.
I used to shear sheep, but then I was fleeced.
I used to survey cul-de-sacs until I realised it was a dead end job.
I used to work in a pyschological testing laboratory, but I wanted to get out of the rat race.
I used to have a lounge act singing Frank Sinatra songs, but when the Summer Wind came along I looked for something else to doobie-doobie-do.
I tried to move from choir conducting to bus conducting but it didn't quite work out and in the end I had to go back to my old job and face the music.
I used to be a male escort, but I was laid off.
Afterwards, I tried to be a plumber, but that went down the crapper as well.
I used to be a telephonist, but I got transferred.
I used to be a virus checker but &^£%__$£G B*%&GK UY&%&PGG JH*& (&^^& %&) ?:@~{KJJGF DFSQD!£ ¬"?>LJZ ||~LIU ITU.
I used to be the speaking clock, until the management gave me a hard time.
I was almost given the lead part in Castaway, but they said that I was washed up. I mistook this for an insult and turned it down.
i uused too bee a prove reeder.
I used to be a dermatologist, but I got itchy feet
I'm a national tree surgeon. I have branches everywhere.
I loved my job in the neon light factory. It was a gas!
I used to work at a funeral palour until I was sacked for being late.
I used to pluck ducks but the job got me down.
It have been looking in here every day recently. My brother and his friends didn't circulate some emails last year with some excessively clean and unfunny job description puns and I'm not at all tempted to post them in here. They simply aren't rude enough.
I actually became a tree surgeon due to a flash of inspiration - I was leafing through the job adverts when suddenly I twigged.
I used to be a p0rn star, but I couldn't keep it up. I tried to go into menswear sales but was told I was unsuited.
To reach my tree surgery helpline, dial a trunk call.
I can't. I'm a failed plumber, and all my calls are tapped.
I used to be a professional masturbator, but I just couldn't hold my own.
I had to give up my rôle of Agony Aunt. I had a low threshold of pain.
It's no good trying to contact me when I'm at work. Since I started this job as a professional hangman, all my callers have hung up on me.
[ZK] Doesn't matter, I'm not very good, you'd have to be barking to call me.
I'd have to be a bit of a sap, then? Do you reckon you need counselling? Don't give up too soon and leave - your problems are probably deeply rooted. I know an excellent Tree Surgeon therapist, Den Dron.
I quit my job in the synthetic rubber plant, when my first pay cheque bounced.
I used to have a job performing ultrasounds on expectant mothers to determine the sex of their babies. For some reason, the mothers never seemed happy with my work. I don't know what those women were expecting!
I too apprenticed as a plumber, but my career went down the drain.
I tried to work as a plumber, but I didn't want to faucet.
Amazing: so did I - I was hopeless though and, inevitably and not unexpectedly, they gave me the elbow.
I used to market sporting equipment to the hockey community. When I approached the football authorities for a similar position they gave me the boot: they claimed I had unrealistic goals.
[Dujon] Did they tell you to puck off?
My last effort at holding down a job was as an assistant to an optician. It was going OK, but then I was framed.
[Dunx] No, but my old colleagues didn't half give me some stick!
After that I tried being an electrical salesman. That only lasted until the company found I didn't have the proper connections.
I quickly moved to flogging fridge magnets, but it wasn't really my field.
From there it was to electrical componentry, but customer resistance was high and, anyway, I found I just didn't have the necessary capacity.
After that (and this was a buzz) I became an apiarist, but had to resign when I found I had hives.
I got a mariners' ticket and a job as first mate, but that foundered when one of my seamen rocked the boat.
At one stage I worked for an pest exterminator, but I got the flick, man. Aussie's only will get that - unless a certain company operates in the U.K. and N.Am. regions.
I also had a job as a circus clown, but had to leave in rather 'funny' circumstances.
Sorry, I forgot: I used to have a catering job with Virgin Airlines ... I was grounded when I didn't serve the cherries. ... coat ...
I used to be a gynaecologist, but I couldn't stand all the fannying about, so I left to go into dermatology. Looking back, it was a little rash...
I tried being a proctologist, but I arsed around one day, and as for my prospects, well, I rectum.
I tried unblocking toilets with fireworks. It worked the first time, but turned out to be just a flash in the pan.
I had an affair when working at a quiche factory, but it was just a pash in the flan.
I used to work for Governor Gray Davis...then I was terminated.
I wrote some obscene lyrics about backsides for Eminmem. He had me arrested. It was a bum rap.
I used to work in panto, but I couldn't tell my 'aahs' from my old 'boos'
I used to work for Bostik but I couldn't stick it.
I was briefly a shepherd, but I chose to make a career ewe-turn.
This thread shouldn't have been a game unto itself.
I used to be part of a team of venetian blind salesman, but then my boss said it was curtains for all of us.
I was once an elevator attendant, but after I while I realised that the owners were giving me the shaft.
I was a watchmaker but I left because the boss kept winding me up.
[FG} Funny that. I worked for a watchmaker once, but I left because I kept getting run down.
I was a weather forecaster for a while, but left under a cloud.
I used to be really good at this game before we started discussing our career history.
I used to be a display waterskier, but they cut me loose.
When I realised my job on an old-fashioned railway wasn't for me, I left under my own steam.
I tried dairy farming for a while, but after a drought, I left for greener pastures.
I also tried being an attendant on the QE2, but I missed the boat.
I switched then to selling face make up, but the work was so stressful, I took a powder.
My boyfriend ran into some trouble with the law and took a job on a sheep farm. He finally left because he didn't want them to know he was on the lam.
Then he worked bottling apertifs, but was terminated for excessive absinthe.
I used to work as a flaggelator, necrophiliac and bestialist, until I realised I was just flogging a dead horse.
I then became an army bandsman, but they let me go because (they said) I was marching to the beat of a different drum.
I also tried being a tyre salesman, but now I'm on the skids.
I used to sell DIY equipment, but I throw a spanner in the works by getting hammered, completely plastered. It was a wrench to leave. I felt I was left on the shelf. I saw myself being screwed by the job market. Luckily I got a new job and can paint myself a better future.
I thought I would do well in the undertaking business, but I was passed over for promotion.
I once owned a shoe store. Since I couldn't really give myself the boot, I decided it'd be best if I just soled out.
I had a job installing traffic calming measures but eventually I got the hump.
I had a job on a wind farm but I blew it.
I used to be in charge of the hairdryers at the local salon, but I sucked.
I was Jonny Wilkinson's stunt double, but when I got injured my dreams were kicked into touch.
I so have not run out of puns for this game.
I worked for a while in a chemist's shop, but they dispensed with my services.
I spent a little time as a jobbing artist, until I drew my last pay packet.
I bought a veterinarian practice, but closed it down when I found I'd been sold a pup.
Moving on I became an orchardist, but that turned out to be a lemon.
Later, I tried cleaning toilets, but I didn't have the proper skills - the other staff pissed all over me.
I did try a similar position in another council, but I left there too, I was crap.
At one time I tried being an optician, but they said I was not focussed enough.
When I was younger I worked for a shortwhile in the Catering Corps, but they let me go when I got into a mess.
Once I had a temporary job with a concern which made barometers, but the pressure got to me.
For a while after that I worked for a company making Scotch, but I just didn't blend in.
I had a job designing tumblers for a while - they said my ideas were all great in theory, but wouldn't hold water.
arrow_circle_down
Want to play? Online Crescenteering lives on at Discord