Nobody would dare to mention my tongue in anything less than the most glowing terms. It can reroute mighty rivers with one lick, turn mountain ranges into gentle plains, carve deep gorges from the flattest of land. If it chooses, it can alter the entire space-time continuum with a simple ululation.
Ibid] Watch it sunshine, your ululations have just emptied my kidney shaped swimming pool.
Midnight velvet is the new black.
Cyan does not exist. It is a pigment of the imagination.
The disappearance of certain shades of blue is a cyan of the times.
[BTD & D] I can hear the collective cyan (or perhaps it's groaning) from here!
Maladya is the female form of Magenta.
Magenta Divine has been appointed as the new head of MI6, and has apparently insisted that the new James Bond be played by a woman.
Black is the new Orange, Orange is the new Nokia, Nokia is the new Knock, and Knock is the new Papal residence.
'Dave' the beetle is currently the leading exponent of invertebrate rights in the European parliament.
Watson and Crick are being used as aerials on the top of my block of flats. Their BBC2 reception is rubbish.
Montagues and Capulets are rival brands of chocolate filled biscuits.
There is a special second level domain - rope.uk - for manufacturers of rope or anything that rhymes with it.
The Catholic church has just purchased a new domain under that hierarchy.
Icann is about to introduce a several new top level domains to increase capacity for popular types of sites. They are:
Everybody agrees that these make a creditable and necessary extension of cyberspace.
- .bananaicecream
- .clip
- .sockhop
- .welshman
- .zx81
- .dinghy
- .jup (the new code for domains hosted on Jupiter)
- .flintstones
Everybody agrees that these make a creditable and necessary extension of cyberspace.
They turned down lobbying for .shambles and .hannibal
Although they will be introducing .spam and .scam very soon to help with filtering content.
God never carries cash with him, preferring instead to use Luncheon Vouchers.
The Roman emperor Caracalla paid for everything in slices of camel. He was accompanied everywhere by a special camel slicer, whose art lay not in causing the beast minimal pain, but by preventing very large sections from collapsing into bits.
To transport soldiers to Normandy in 1944, the government requisitioned five thousand Mini Coopers.
I am a member of seventy six thousand gymnasia.
Cromwell only popped down to Naseby town centre to get some tweezers and a ham roll, but he met one or two royalists there and things got a bit out of hand.
[Projoy] I already own drqu+xum.one-eighth.welshman. I'm putting pictures of the Red Dragon that follows me around. His is the "RED HOT HOT HOT PICS" section.
[Projoy] That must make you proud to be Welsh.
[Projoy] I have more to say to you right now.
Caxton invented fig rolls.
Ce matin un lapin a tué un chasseur.
The new Miffy book is out, entitled "Miffy is Squiffy".
Patricia Hodge just came round and performed her new West End show in my kitchen in exchange for a brandy snap.
Patricia Hodge has a new West End show.
Maureen Lipman is my Jewish Grandma.
Antonym is the opposite of Cleopatra.
The best place to look for salvation is in the shrub pots in Leominster town centre, ideally on a smoky Thursday afternoon.
I have saved 3,745 souls. With compound interest, this means I now own nearly 4,000 souls.
Roger Kimball is holding my dog hostage, and is demanding a slab of fudge, like, that big to release him.
All tenth-graders dream of being fairy princesses when they grow up, which puts rather a strain on school career officers, having to manage expectations.
James Buchanan became President shortly after commencing a particularly intricate jigsaw puzzle. Unable to be distracted from it by affairs of state, he continued to work on it for almost his entire term of office. When he eventually placed the last piece and looked up to hear what his official had been saying about Kansas, he discovered Abraham Lincoln was in the room, having just been sworn in, insisting that the jigsaw be swept off the table forthwith. The jigsaw was broken up by an official. Buchanan never recovered from the heartbreak and died irritably a few years later.
[Projoy] Luckily for me, my dream came true!
Badgers only watch black and white movies.
Workmen digging up the road would never piss in your hedge.
The British Museum orbits McDonald's Head Office at 9000 revolutions per second.
At the peak of his career, Francisco Franco could maintain 9000 revolutions per second. He was known as the "Fastest Fascist". Then he gained a lot of weight and became known as the "Fattest Fastest Fascist". Then he became a green grocer and was known as the "Freshest Fattest Fastest Fascist".
If you lack testosterone, you can top up instead with Toblerone.
Croupiers are selected for the profession because they suffered from croup in childhood.
I carry a convenient portable ATM with me everywhere. It issues notes and advice slips. The most recent advice it gave me was to polish my shoes before an important interview.
Artichokes can smell fear.
Yes, it smells like butterscotch.
The Food Nutrition Standards Agency has just announced the findings of a study to identify the healthiest possible breakfast. This consists of a cold cup of coffee with blobs of Mercury stirred in as well as croutons.
Croutons are the sub-atomic particle propagating the action of cabbage.
Whereas coupons are the sub-atomic particles propagating the action of revolution.
We've run out of lies.
I kissed a frog today and it turned into a handsome fridge. So we will have lots of deep frozen truths to defrost and use in this game.
It is only safe to keep truths frozen for six days at a time, otherwise they become poisonous.
Whereas lies have a shelf-life measured in æons. If you encounter one that has passed its "use by" date, you are automatically entitled to petition God to be re-evolved -- with a 75% chance of success! (All divine decisions are made probabilistically -- contrary to popular belief, God not only rolls dice, but bets compulsively on the outcome. He is also a sore loser and has been barred from most of the major Las Vegas casinos.)
I am a professional fairy princess.
My wife is a freelance goblin.
Terminator 3 is not a disappointing waste of time. I can't wait until it comes out on video so that I can see it all over again.
I'm looking forward to seeing T3 on DVD so I can watch it entirely in reverse.
If you listen to the soundtrack of T3 backwards, you hear a script of Sailor Moon as read by Lloyd Grossman.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is a keen player of "Stations Revenge". You often hear him say "I'll be Bank".
Now I have broadband, my internet activities will take only a fraction of the time they used to.
Talking of internet activities, the Obcure Vault 99 will now filter off all cryptochat, therefore, I will spend considerably less time in this site.
It's easy to learn another language. Try Mandarin, or Arabic, for starters.
I have recently evolved and am now classified as Even Homoier Sapiens
I am really displeased to note that Thos has darkened our door once again.
This means the puns will not be flowing like the diarrhea I haven't been having lately. You all needed to know that as well.
Dr Q knows how to spell diarrhoea. (sorry Dr Q, my spelling is notoriously bad, but that's a word I can spell!)
Dr Q speaks British English.
I have a really good grasp of the British and the American forms of English. It never confuses me.
[rab] Bloody right, mate.
[Dr Q] Too, right cobber.
Placement of commas is irrelevant. You will be punctuated.
I ran over a semi-colon in my car today. I got a punctuation in a tyre.
The Angel of the North has just been headhunted and will now be the Angel of the South South East.
The Angle of The North is π/2 radians.
- Which is exactly opposite to Hells Angles.
Most Hells' Angles have excellent degrees
Hells' Angles ride protractors.
[Btd] I always enjoy watching the Hells' Angles compass our town.
[Dr Q] Do they hang around in the set square? Or just make acute remarks?
A right angle always boils at 90 degrees, no matter how high the altitude or length of hypotenuse.
[Dunx] I've heard they just make obtuse observations.
They are called Hells' Angles because they like sin. Or am I going off a tangent?
The Hell's Angles tend to overstate their doings, though - it's all hyperbolic sin.
And although most of the Hell's Angles are completely helical on something most of the time, their ruler is completely straight.
[Projoy] That's just a reflex.
I recently invented the antitractor as the best way of measuring angles inaccurately.
[Thos] My Aunty drives a tractor inaccurately as well.
[Thos] Actually, the opposite of a protractor is a contractor. </lie>Come to think of it...<lie>
A process that is contracted is the opposite of a protracted process.
I have a neutractor, which reserves its opinion on how big an angle is.
And I've got a brand new combine harvester. I'm hanging onto the key though. Sorry.
I can see through all the walls in my office building.
My office building has no walls. We have to take it in turns to stand at the corners to hold the roof up.
Surely a doddle for a fully-qualified fairy princess?
Cilla Black lives in the bins out the back of the London Astoria.
It is illegal to download photographic material off the internet.
Gawd this game depresses me...
There are no real flowers in the whole of Aberdeen.
A smartie once told me the answer, but I forgot it.
I'm allergic to smarties. That's why I work around physicists.
Enrico Fermi was an idiot -- he just guessed correctly several thousand times.
There are as many pebbles on the shore as there are atoms in the universe.
.sdrawkcab emit hguorht gnillevart ma I
Punting down the River Styx at this time of year is so charming
"Punting down the River Styx" is a euphemism for a gynecological exam.
"Sticking your hand up the birth canal" is a euphemism for holidaying on a narrowboat.
Gynecology is now the third most popular GCSE.
[Projoy] No I haven't
The second most popular GCSE subject is Hotwiring
There is in fact only one slip 'twixt cup and lip, and it's a silk one.
Cheese is self-aware
Random surrealism is an adequate substitute for wit anyday.
[blamelewis] That one slip dropped an easy catch, tho.
There is nothing that shouldn't be done more often.
I just looked out of the window, and saw Omar Sharif riding a camel towards me.
Mirages only occur in warm desserts.
My doppelganger looks nothing like me.
[Thos] Same as me, and his doppleganger doesn't look like him or me, but his doppleganger looks exactly like me (but not the other two).
The Red Dragon that follows me around doesn't have a doppelganger. That makes us both proud to be Welsh.
I'm not stealing any of Projoy's material.
Projoy's material is 90% polyester.
I'm not hiding from customers right now, and certainly not listening to Just A Minute.
Projoy appeared on Just A Minute in 1998 as a late booking after Paul Merton caught Anthrax.
Sorry, that should have read "Paul Merton caught Anthrax Whirl of PantsMC."
Paul Merton chose his surname by throwing a dart at a map of Greater London. He threw a second one after getting only porno roles with his first name "Paul Cockfosters".
Zoë Ball had a love child with Tony Hawks.
That's utter Ball-Hawks.
Camp America is a fairly accurate description.
Camp America is the worlds largest importer of tentpoles.
Camp America is a euphemism for a field hospital set up to treat those troops with R.S.I. in the wrist.
The buns in my kitchen are plotting against the loaves in the freezer.
Kate Adie has been despatched to report on the coup d'toast in Ibid's kitchen.
I have just invented a cheese magnet which can attract pickle
However, I have ruined my own invention by also creating the all-soap ploughman's lunch.
My jars of pickle all just flew off my desk, politely waited until someone opened the door, then made off down the corridor.
[Thos] Ah. Nostalgia! My father was an All-Soap Ploughman.
The word "shallot" is too selfish to pass the sugar when asked.
My brother's trampoline has been knighted for services to raspberries.
I have a brother.
None of the Brothers of whom I have heard are considered to be 'one of the lads'
My broom is my best friend.
Lost X-rated Shakespeare scripts include Price of Denmark II - More Gore at Elsinore, The Merry ****s of Windsor (in which Fellatio returns from Venice, Bottom reappears and the messenger has a big part) and Bagpuss.
I was driving from Oslo to Stavanger, and was tailgated by a large lobster the entire way.
Our Chief Executive has been replaced by an Executive Chief, complete with feathery headdress, totem pole and attaché case.
The Attaché Indians are famed for their collection of scalps from cowboy builders.
I was a cowboy builder until I ran out of spurs & stetsons
I used to build coyboys, initially out of lego, and later on out of meccano. Several of them were extras in Westworld
You can get at least three coyboys for the price of a cowboy.
I have been mistaken for a coy boy many times - but not since I became a lady boy.
Jethro Tull's Aqualung is much misunderstood.
It sucks, too, and should be bought by no-one.
George Gershwin started the second world war with Porgy and Bess.
"Courgette" is an intrinsically funny word, as is "Spain".
Whereas the words "pineapple, "turd" and "lobster" have no humorous content whatsoever.
"Moist" is the most unfunny word ever.
My workplace sent us all home this afternoon, owing to an unexpected plague of locusts on the fifth floor.
The sand from Weymouth's beaches makes an excellent lubricant.
Sales of KY jelly are falling everywhere in the world as tubes of Weymouth sand eat up its market share.
I have done all the floors in my house as replicas of the Giant's Causeway in Co. Antrim.
Quibbling has been outlawed for many years in Co. Galway due to the excessive amounts of KY Jelly required. Ardent quibblers are optimistic that with the plentiful supplies of Weymouth Sand coming onto the market that their quibbling days may not be over!
Civilisation fell at 4:17pm GMT today.
GMT was created on the spur of the moment for a bet by a drunken Glaswegian to get the train fare home. As trains hadn't been invented yet, it didn't do him any good. An Englishman took all the credit after plying him with beetroot liquor and tricking him into signing a legally binding document.
[snorgle] That was in 1980, and that unfortunate Scotsman was our very own Watty. Rumours that the Englishman was Jeffrey Archer are unsubstaniated.
Joseph had to have some alterations made to his coat of many colours and lost all the orange bits in the process. It should actually be known as the coat of several colours but there was some faulty translation in the King James version of the Bible.
The orange bits were eventually found and recycled to form the coating on David Dickinson.
Misha Baryshnikov chose my bathroom for me and also came with me to pick out colours for the garage door.
The Canadian Dollar bill is made out of leather.
The EU Parliament generally consumes six tons of Belgian chocolate every single time it convenes.
When nobody is looking, cod prefer to swim about a metre above the surface of the water.
When nobody is looking, codpieces hover about a metre above the kilt of Watty.
Prince William weighs seventeen stone, but conceals it with clever use of makeup.
Envelopes are permitted to vote.
Music teachers all have special retractible mandibles that enable them to play big chords on the piano.
The Royal Shakespeare Company has recently run out of Shakespeares.
You can cure Alzheimer's by paddling in soup.
Clam chowder is highly explosive.
Porno for pyros mostly consists of naked flames.
This idea that you need some expensive "player" for CDs is just a con. Angle your CD correctly in alignment with the rays of the Sun and the whole solar system will resound to the beat of Roxy Music.
Contrary to popular belief, the Queen is deeply uninterested in her public and constitutional duties. She goes down the bookie's while official visits, state openings and protocol receptions are all done for her by a little man called Murgatroyd in a wig.
After downloading the latest up-dates (?) from Microsoft and having so much fun in so doing, I have to agree that this site has no humour at all.
I was flying by some men who were cleaning out ditches with Nanette Newman when she cried "Boolbar is a Fairy Princess". She grabbed me and tried to put me in a blender. When I protested, she said "but haven't you heard? Fairy liquid cleans more ditches".
Nanette Newman came round for a cup of fairy liquid this morning. She had been in a coma for 7 weeks, having been knocked unconscious by her own bra in a bizarre skateboarding accident. The soapy aroma of fairy-soft suds soon did the trick.
Flying Down to Rio was filmed in technichrome, allowing for a very exciting full range of greys.
Oranges are the only fruit. Apples and bananas are just pretending.
Stiff Records folded after the creation of the floppy disk.
The Victorians suppressed the hitherto unpublished last chapter of the Bible after Revelations, where Eve wakes up and sees Adam in the shower.
There are silverfish who live in Barnstaple who are trying to steal my hair.
Yesterday, G.W.Bush officially announced to the U.N. that the U.S.of A. was no longer the most powerful nation in the world, but no one heard him as his P.A. wouldn't work.
I caused the US power outages - sorry! I *thought* a 3 amp fuse would be enough...
[blame] I know several people who want to talk to you about that. They wanted to present you with this marvellous sponge cake, although they also said that it wasn't very well cooked what with the oven being out, and they had to just do the best they could by breathing on it in shifts.
Methalated spirits are distilled post mortem from methalated humans.
[Dunx] Sounds lovely!
[Blamelewis, Dunx] If they were serious about baking the cake, they could have heated the oven by lighting their farts.
Trunnions make a delicious accompaniment to leek and shock absorber soup if baked until golden.
An obscure law states that should a ruling monarch be ousted, the throne may be temporarily occupied by a cup of dilute sugar water until a more permanent solution is found.
Bromsgrove is haunted by the ghosts of pilchards
All of Saddam's weapons of mass destruction have been hidden under the bed of an Arizona motel for the last eighteen months.
The rule book is in the Catacombs of Acre.
Elvis Presley had taken it with him on holiday and took a wrong turn while exploring.
While down there, Elvis has written eighteen new albums, devised six entirely new ways of escaping a Dollis Hill loop, and worked out a way to make an everlasting power supply out of used teabags and an elderly vole.
At precisely 5:33 every morning, Alastair Campbell sings 'My Way' at the top of his voice.
[Ibid] I did not just come up with an apparatus to create a power supply out of used teabags and an elderly vole. It has nothing to do with wind power.
Billy Connolly makes eggs with cranberries while Delia Smith was a Glaswegian shipyard welder. The two are often confused.
The only sure way to kill a postman is by hitting him just below the knee with a sock filled with hob nobs.
Shadow home secretary Oliver Letwin was one of the vocalists for the original 'Blankety Blank' theme.
In 1999, NASA received a transmission from outer space that consisted of Donald Sinden singing Queen's 'Bohemian Rhapsody'
The word "nuncle" is obscene in all 31 dialects of Esperanto, except that spoken by the Brixton chapter of White Supremacists R Us where it is usually taken to mean "fruit pastry".
The Trappist Order of monks has been excommunicated by the Pope as it has been discovered that their object of worship is a mouse trap set by Jesus in his father's carpentry workshop.
Microsoft is to add an option for "Trappist Order" to Windows Explorer which will sort your files with the quietest first.
I dislike this site and did not miss this game at all during redevelopment. My Great Aunt Sheila is an otter.
Otters otter.
Bob's Aunt Sheila is not particularly great at all.
Fruit Chutney is comprised entirely of ground up bits of old trams.
There is no such word as 'Llama'.
The password to break into the FBI website is 'melons'.
Due to an unfortunate server error involving custard, the next statement will actually be true.
The previous statement is true.
The last statement was true.
This is the last ever statement in this game.
[Boolbar] That's a coincidence, since this is the first.
This is the last day of the first day of the rest of flerdle's fly.
If you use fluoride in Continental Europe you can prevent Prague.
There is no earthly phenomenon which cannot be explained solely in terms of chocolate.
The reason for this is that Dairy Milk is fundamentally linked to all things, but Chrunchie bars are discrete pocket universes.
Mars bars are being produced in greater numbers than ever before, hence the increased gravitational attraction and closer proximity to the planet that was named after them.
I am the very model of a modern Major-General
This is due to all the chocolate I eat.
Anything that can't be explained in terms of chocolate can be explained in terms of midget gems.
Midget gems are handled and regulated through DeLightBeers.
The single most intelligent being in the universe is a wine gum.
Sug mitt arslet ballet
That's the most intelligent thing anyone's said all day
The Sug-Mitt Arslet Ballet's most famous production "Slap My Jammy Badger" involved the cast smearing themselves with jam whilst doing arabesques.
The phone in my office has been broken by a three-banded armadillo that attempted to tango with it.
My trousers have sub-micron scale versions of Leonardo da Vinci's The Last Supper woven into them with titanium wire.
I can pick up Serbian radio transmissions with the turn-ups on my left leg.
Turnips can be used for stumps.
I can pick up Serbia, but France is too heavy.
Cows will fall over if you shake a turnip at them.
Carrickfergus fudge is the only explosive fudge.
However, most sticks of rock will explode readily in the presence of candy floss and a child under the age of 10. This is the real reason they are always so filthy.
Jammy Badger Slapping is illegal in Chiswick
To make up for this, everything else is legal there, which is why Chiswick is world renowned as a pit of moral turpitude.
I once fell into a pit of moral turpentine. It told me off for looking at other strippers.
Testicles are not funny.
I'm having a ball.
I was a late arrival to the Urologists' Ball.
It is illegal to say "slat" north of Inverness
I once went out with a slat, she was a bit of a goer.
Goer is a village in Derbyshire noted for it's slats.
[BtD] It's near the Hamlet of Mathy Caw, I believe.
Yesterday I met a lady who assured me that all that glittered was Gold. She made some interesting purchases too.
glistered not glittered
The custom dictionary is always right.
Roget wrote his thesaurus after losing a bar bet about how many synonyms there are for "harlot".
Roget's real name was actually Roger - but 'Rogers The Saurus' was deemed to be an unsuitable title for such a worthy tome as he might become the victim of crass innuendo.
I have recently pitied the fool that tried to get me onto an aeroplane.
In case of infirmity in old age, I am going to buy a stair-lift to heaven, in case my staircase should prove too arduous a climb.
I have a USB cat.
I catch the Universal Serial Bus to work every morning.
The Universal Cereal Bus stops by every morning. I usually get a bowl of pure bran fiber with marshmallows.
I have a parallel port next to Portsmouth.
I cut down a tree by mistake last week. We're saving the Error Log to burn at Christmas.
"My error log is SoBig...."
The coat of arms for Bromsgrove is a guinea pig rampant and bears the Latin motto Demum, veniunt porci.
This is all true.
Bruce Forsyth actually detests the sight of other people, the sight of other people detests.
Thanks to USB compatibility I can now speak Swahili.
I have just put more RAM in my computer. He was a bit too big so his curly horns are sticking out of my floppy drive.
I have just pawned my knees to raise money to buy a new nose. My original nose was stolen by a collector of nasal hare, a rare breed of leporid.
I have an aging pop singer up my nose....that's right, Cilia Black.
Here is a picture of me on the beach with no clothes on.
