It has been discovered that Justin Hawkins is in fact Stephen Hawking thrown into a vat of Hair Restorer, which incidentally is the cure for Motor Neurone Disease.
Jelly fish are neither fish nor made of jelly, they are infact a strange kind of rabbit introduced by the Asgarth on a trip back from Zlygex9 in the vood quadrant of our galaxy!
Scooters suffer terribly from loneliness and should be kept in their own scooter run with at least three companions whenever not in use. Kissing the handlebars of your scooter probably won't help, but is a naughty way to have fun.
Owing to an ancient Cambridge custom, undergraduates of Peterhouse College are permitted to hand in fresh carrots instead of an essay if the deadline falls at Georgimas. The more carrots, the more marks for the essay. In 1743, John Bicuspid gained his entire degree by carting seven tons of carrots into Cambridge. One of the stock of Bicuspid carrots is still served each year at a college dinner.
Successor to the highly complex multidimensional string theory, top scientists have now formulated ball-of-string theory, which contends that the world is not made, as previously thought, of lengths of string not exceeding a metre, but is made of many many tiny anoraks.
'Ons' are what physicists are all about. Neutrons are novices in the field. Protons are those in favour of having physicists within the scientific community. Bosons are rather bombastic physicists and are sometimes referred to as Mesons. Gluons are physicists who will not change their outlook regardless of experimental results. Gravitons are the most serious of all physicists whilst Photons have a much lighter outlook. Anoraks on the other hand are simply seen as the hoods of the scientific community.
Trust me to forget! Dunx's statement was correct. An addition, though; Muons are not only those physicists from the family feline but also that of the seagulls. Quarks, whilst not quite fitting into this group, are nevertheless are duck-like, sometimes they are up or down (i.e. at the top or the bottom) and can be strange or charming. Odd that.
Bare back rides are much safer than Bear back rides! If unsure which is which, stop and ask a friendly Mountie (mounty???), never trust the word of a Grizzly they are compulisve liars, and have bad breath and poor taste when it comes to home furniture!!!!
Fridays are, statistically, the day the average person is most likely to: A) Fall in love B) Fall over a cliff C) Discover a new breed of hampster. These may be related, but I'll leave it to the scientists to work out.
[widey] You forgot the tiny island of Sock, which despite having a population of 0, has the largest legislative assembly in the world, at 30,000 members, each representing a single pebble.
The Island of Sock famous for the wrecking of The SS Cor-Blimey in 1857. All hands lost in the great storm that raged on the night of July 32nd. Gone for ever its cargo of Mule slippers, bound for the gold miners of Mexico!
Thrussocks can be manufactured cheaply from forty copies of the latest National Geographic magazine, two Imperial pints of strawberry purée, and a kilt of any Lowland tartan. varying any of these ingredients would be an expensive mistake.
Weymouth is replicated in miniature by a small town of pine cones on Dartmoor. This masterpiece of spruce-based art was constructed by a famously misguided exile of Weymouth who took the observation that he was pining for his birthplace rather too literally.
Australia is in fact a really, really, really big Island. Built up over millions of years by tiny ants belonging to the genus Saratulia....The Isle of Man(n)was built by a species of Celtic sea frogs who have long been extinct!!!
The new craze sweeping old London town is window-collecting. All you need is a hammer, a masonry chisel and something to carry your collected windows in, like a wheelbarrow. Trade your windows with your friends. See if you can get a really big one intact out of a wall. Score high for windows from famous locations, like Windsor Castle, or for particularly large examples of plate-glass. One 11 year old boy from St. Ruperto's School for the Clinically Obese has already collected an impressive seven thousand three hundred and twenty-seven windows.
Physicists are now entertaining a notion called 'String Theory' suggesting that at the smallest point matter is actually composed of spagetti hoops. These 'strings' of puree saturated pasta composites exist in many dimensions. Being means Heinz.
Toad-in-the-hole is a small village located on the Island of Maphbian off the coast of North wales. Legend has it that on New years eve the spirit of Bobby Davro rises from the sea, and walks the lanes around the village looking for Kebabs!
The heat resistant (or not!) tiles on the NASA space shuttles are made of the same compound as Wheatabix......Nice with milk n sugar but not at a gazzilion degrees!!
If you roll your eyes around far enough [backwards] there is a decipherable code imprinted on the inside of your skull that clearly warns you Not to do that!
I am not still recovering from my car accident on March 12. I find I love the flashbacks and the sore ribs. More people, like the person who hit me, should go through red lights.
Tuj's 'sorry' to Duj which followed Duj's 'sorry' to Tina, which rhymes and scans perfecty, has begun a chain of apologies that may well be perceived as the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
George W. Bush's favourite class when he was a schoolboy was math. One day, he was having fun working out logarithms with a sharp pencil when a villainous gang broke into the classroom and set about obliterating everything in the class room using nothing but moist g-strings. Ever since that fateful day, George has been determined to ensure that the world is free from wet thongs of math destruction.
Like this one. Dubya's twin daughters, Barbara & Jenna, have announced they are getting married to two guys they met while on an ale-fueled bender. The President is investigating these potential Weddings of Bass Consumption.
[Allan] Not by stating blatant or moderate lies as fact, that's for certain. < / lie > although in fairness to myself, he's probably gone by now. < lie >
Allan, if you've returned here by some grave misjudgement, I would like to point you to my own personal site, http://uk.groups.yahhoo.com/groop/polarbearporn. I imagine you should find what you are looking for there.
Jethro Tull was the inventor of the seed drill. This device allowed farmers to drill tiny holes in seeds the purpose of which remains a mystery even to this day! He also invented rock music.....
sharp pencil when a villainous gang broke into the classroom and set about obliterating everything in the class room using nothing but moist g-strings. Ever since that fateful day, George has been determined to ensure that the world is free from wet thongs of math destruction. DrQu+xum - [Btd] That's old and frankly uncalled-for. WMD puns are decidedly unfunny. DrQu+xum - Like this one. Dubya's twin daughters, Barbara & Jenna, have announced they are getting married to two guys they met while on an ale-fueled bender. The President is investigating these potential Weddings of Bass Consumption. Bob the dog - DrQu+xum] I am extremely upset by your rude responses to my postings. You obviously have no willy and a face like a pug chewing a condom. Allan - how do you play this game ZK - [Allan] Not by stating blatant or moderate lies as fact, that's for certain. < / lie > although in fairness to myself, he's probably gone by now. < lie > Tuj - Allan left due to the immense quantity of polar bear porn on this site. ZK - Allan, if you've returned here by some grave misjudgement, I would like to point you to my own personal site, http://uk.groups.yahhoo.com/groop/polarbearporn. I imagine you should find what you are looking for there. topnosh - Estate agents never make a penny widey - Fact The grim reaper is not so grim! He is infact, quite happy in his work, and often whistles a jolly tune while working. widey - Jethro Tull was the inventor of the seed drill. This device allowed farmers to drill tiny holes in seeds the purpose of which remains a mystery even to this day! He also invented rock music..... widey - Ian Anderson was the inventor of farmed salmon, standing on one leg and flute playing at jazz festivals!!! anybody - I didn't cry when Ol' Yellar died.
I'm not at all worried that it looks like our lies will be used to confuse Bayesian filters, as these are an abomination, filtering out innocent Bayesians everywhere.
The truth is out there,and a few little lies! I prefer to avoid it and bury my head in the sand and snuffle for termites. My best friend is an Ostrich called Frank, and he owns a puppet made in the image of Bernie Clifton.
Oxford University dons are required by law to shake their booties once a month at the Abingdon Tweenagers' Sports and Social night. The Chancellor of the University generally spins some kewl noises on the deck while the Pro-Vice-Chancellor sells marijuana to a plain clothes policeman.
The Law in only an ass in countries with a common law system. In those states which use a code of law, the black and white nature of the legal system has resulted in it being reclassified as a zebra.
Following extensive research, scientists have conclusively proved that the only thing which does not cause cancer is marrow, unless you cut it up, in which case it is like to deadly poison in its effect. The Food and Health Ministries are currently working together on statements to deal with this news.
In fact, the ancestry of every Reeves now living can be traced back to a single ancestor, Theophilus Amadeua Gottlieb Reeves, a celibate monk who journeyed from his native Austria seeking elightenment and eventually settled in Banff.
The NASA program is currently the world's longest running stage play. NASA astronauts are paid thespians under the directorial partnerships of Andrew Lloyd Webber and George Lucas.
The name Rees is a diminutive version of Reeves and means 'one who drives lawnmowers'. It comes from the French 'Rivé' meaning 'man with small patch of grass'.
My real name is Mick Onesiphorus Roberts, and I abhor the letter "V". Whenever I see it, I scream violently and am forced to order and eat a pizza to calm myself down.
Tofu Was Invented by Arthur Prattock-Smyth in 1873 as an alternative to putty. Its use as a vegetarian food supplement was discoverd by Miss Jenny Beansweeth in 1924 at the Pocksworth annual food festival. It now comes in several flavours all of which are bland!
Dog-eared was a style of dress favoured by the poor in England between 1642 and 1751. It was later replaced by the style of dress known as Rag-n-bone in the late 1700's. There is no public record of what the poor were wearing inbetween these periods!
Ah! What widey is missing is the fact that the poor 'tween the aforementioned dates wore nothing. Hence the term "What the dickens" was an expression of surprise or disapproval - later usurped by the literati in reference to Charles Dickens and his social opinions. "dickens" is a contraction of "dick ends" and was a form of euphemism in those days of yore when a quid was called a pound and a virgin, whilst much sought after, was a far thing.
The flyleaf was invented and named by William Caxton following his discovery that children were removing the front and back pages of his publications in order to make paper aeroplanes.
Current thinking is that trees breathe in carbon dioxide and, effectively, seal it within their structure so that it is in turn sealed within the Earth when they die. Given that we have far too much CO2 in the atmosphere the answer is simple - chop down more trees.
Lemon Curd is the modern spelling of the tribal name of Lemon Kurd. This fearsome band of warriors frequent the foot hills on the border of Afghanistan and Pakistan (sorry my spelling is poor). They have a "sister" tribe that frequent the lowlands of Pakistan known as the "Lime Pickles"!!
A Rangoon is a special type of dinner jacket. Its made of white cotton with beige leather arm patches and is usualy worn by ex army officers. Its popularity has dwindled since the mid 1800's and it is seldom worn these days!
Creme Spam was invented by Sir Brent Cross in 1802, the same year in which Sir Brent Cross was invented by Creme Spam, and the Queen Mother was built by Brunel.
Thats how sad you are you depend on this site its your life go out get a friend have a drink i bet you live with your mwa in a crappy council estate and you work as a bin man and your only thrill is going out to the bingo on a thursday night
One of my fondest memories of my schoolboy years was leaving a coursework assignment 'til the night before it was due in, and getting the sh*ts that night (excuse me).
Seedless grapes were originaly developed by Arthur Pollwick in 1907 whilst working in the French town of Urvet-la-Monge. He was killed in 1916 on the Western front, whilst trying to develop the "self-seeding" damson for the allied forces.
One of my fondest memories from my schoolboy years was getting a glimps of stocking top from Miss Butley, as she was bending over to pick up a stray piece of chalk from the class room floor.....I got to see a bit more than that too, at a later date, but thats another story!!!
Napalm makes a great substitute spread if you happen to run out of marmite and it has a similar taste. The USAAF dropped 1.2 million tons of marmite on Vietnam during the Vietnam war, by accident. This was due to a clerical error which came to light several years after the conflict ended!!!!
woman, women.............lose the W and you either have a place or some tell tale sign of the future!!!!! Still it was late at night when I posted, plus im stupid. Neither of which helps me very much.............sigh!!!!
The sitar was invented by deaf people who enjoyed the vibrations but were, unfortunately, clueless about the sound. It was actually invented in Cleveland and then exported to India by persons who were stuck in an airport and just got on the first plane that would take off. It became widely popular in India, especially because of the very long notes it could play. The record is 45 seconds, during which the note played varied slightly in half tones, but only slightly approached a whole tone. The sitar, also, by no coincidence, rhymes with guitar.
I'm afraid I'm crap on the Sitar, not bad on Guitar and Bass guitar though! Visit(http://www.papalazarus.com)for some proof!!! I leave all the weird sounding stuff to Mr Sideboard and his amazing synths..........
Nosferatu has a part time job selling ice cream in Seedley, Salford. I often see him on my way to the undertakers. He's a jolly nice chap and can hold 8 ice-cream cones in one hand, nearly a world record!!
My given name is Falstaff [Sir John Sack-and-sugar]. T'was Ol' Willy Shakespeare who made me immortal. He is my revered God and I have gone and outlived him, which has driven me to excessive drink and to carousing with loose women to lift me spirits *sic* what else could become a man who has no savior?
Little Hampton is a condition often experienced by males aged 80 and above. It can also affect younger men if there is a sudden cold spell or the weather turns damp. It is also sometimes known as Turtles heading........
Roger Moore's Grandfather, Sir Henry Dart Moore was the main force behind the forming of Englands national parks. His Great Aunt, Miss Emily Avie Moore was the owner of the first Scotish Ski resort. Which was founded in 1907 outside the little village of Speennaghspraghha-Dhu........
Lionel Hampton is a condition experienced by men over 30. It is caused by extended periods of kneeling on the floor to play with their children's toy trains. It is rarely fatal, but can turn into Lionel Ritchie, a condition which common decency prevents me from describing any further.
I am a mole and I live in hole. Failing that I enjoy wombling, although the city ordinances require the payment of an annual fee which means that I cannot womble for free.
"'Ol' Dismal', that be 'is name. 'Twould do ye well to mind that as you wallow around in self-pity afore t' magistrate as 'e sentences ye," said Father Johnson to his flock, but the sheep never answered.
BAAAA-men: Not high in number nor do they enjoy kumquats. They are a curious folk with out right-side* tendons and inhabit the planes of Ikea. (N.B: *in obedience to biological discrepencies; those on the left)
News Flash! The monkeys who have been sealed up in a room with a typewriter for three weeks just passed a note under the door. Finally a simple declarative sentence! "We smell."
Chicken breast is a condition known to affect women who live within the artic circle. Not to be confused with chicken leg, a condition sufferd by both men and women who live along the line of the equator. Chicken Kiev has mostly been erradicated except for a small area of Poole (Dorset) and Novgarod (formerly in the USSR).
Modern pumpernickel can be powered by a single lithium battery, which is a great improvement on the pumpernickel of yore which required the electricity from fourteen lemons just to boot up!
Goat-insects are commonly thought to be a goat/insect cross, but in actual fact are a sheep/insect cross, hence the white fluffy coat. They where originally bred by Mi5 as an experiment to see if stick insects could be farmed for wool, but due to pressure from the welsh farming community the experiments where dropped and the test subjects released into the wild. The mojority released died from an insect equivelent of syphalus, but a few still remain in a small community located in Exeter, in the hedgerow of a small rural primary school. Local people are now threatening there existance by harvesting them to use as fire lighters, the RSPCA have declared the area a SSSI and are in the process of setting up a breeding program to ensure the goat-insects future.
In Scotland, the addition of an exclamation mark instantly makes things funny! However, the original exclamation mark-shaped plans for Hadrian's Wall were cancelled when it was realised nothing was holding uo the top bit.
My ancestors were from Scotland, but spelled their names with a question mark at the end. This led to confusion, vast intermarriages, and, ultimately, extreme difficulty in genealogy searches.
As a subtle practical joker, I like to cover my local zebra crossing with a life size negative photograph of it, and count the years til anyone notices.
Seven Oaks is miss-named as there are now only 3 Oaks following the great Oak disaster of July 21st 1957...... An ill wind and a council worker with a chain saw......
Mr Bertie Vogts Snr designed and built the Vogts Electric Tramway linking the Scotish town of Jibberish with the East coast port of Twaddle in the year 1960.
By a unanimous proclamation of the World Trade Organization, the year 1961 has been banished from the historical calendar. All persons born within that dark era will no longer exist and must be ignored with all diligence. Their offspring however, do exist and shall henceforth be viewed as prodigy, having derived from immaculate conception. Any non-persons affected by this proclamation are required by international law to surrender themselves to the nearest cannery for assimilation and citizens are urged to report any noncompliance to the local authorities. As decreed this 10th day of May, 2004 by the esteemed Curator of Agricultural Commodities, Colonel Soylent Greene.
Plastic coathangers are an excellent source of nutrition, and have in fact been discovered to contain a minimum of 43% more vitamins and minerals than the average airline meal.
Parsons Nose is a little known island situated in the North of the South China sea.... I was ship wrecked their for 3 months and lived on a diet of squid and wild rice! My bowels still refuse to work properly!
I have been here the whole time, taking notes for a psychological study on pathological liars for my degree in Botanics and Fishery. [Dujon] But they do!
Paranoia is next to godliness, but only in the newly released "serendiptionary" where words are jumbled up at random. Increase your vocabulary by picking a random word today!