Foremost you must never allow the desired crescent to become aware of your intentions. When shopping for your morning crescent I find a bold affrontery is the most tactful. There is no need for introductions, make your selection impulsively and capture said crescent with matching spontaneity, offering it no windows for escape, but while maintaining a firm but gentle pressure with the restraining thumb and fore-digits let the other hand stray and return with a butter knife laden with oleo with which you anoint the said object unsparingly. Take your time, massage every surfacial millimetre of said crescent. Hopefully the crescent has already been overtly warmed by your intimations and the butter melts, but should said crescent remain coldly hostile warm it up by placing it in your pants for no specific period of time but until the butter melts. Once persuaded in this fashion, even the most wholesome of crescents will become sinfully wicked. There you have it. A crescent you can sink your teeth into. Better even, grab another for a friend.
That was an elegant move to Elm Park,but you have to remember how that will appear to your opponent, more style next time attempt a shunt from Moredon a little more lip gloss be bold with the eyeliner and tummy in.
You young whippersnappers think you know it all, if I 'ad my way you'd be practicing nothing but double shunts up and down the Central Line for three years before being allowed onto the Circle, and you'd never be entered for club competitions until you could handle back-striles across the river in your sleep, and then you 'ad an apprenticeship to serve and if you were lucky, really lucky, you might be allowed in the back door at an MCC event and get a chance to caddy for the real players as long as you knew your place but youngsters don't know any respect these days, flog 'em and 'ang 'em, that's what I say, never did me any 'arm....
Show me the rule set before the Underground was built! Move from High Barnet to Morden without crossing the Central Line! Having no podumes, place one at Tottenham Court Road! When you can solve these questions, grasshopper, it will be time for you to leave.
The Union of Evil Henchmen has instructed us to refuse any tasks not required by our contract until the management (that is, you) agree to talks without preconditions on an equitable pay rise for all employees while maintaining proper differentials between Henchmen, Minions, and Underlings.
Welcome back master! While you were out I threw out all that nasty dirt in your coffin and gave it a good scrub with the water from the old church font.
Look, y' knew the deal when y' borrered the money from Big Tony. If y' can't pay woss owed we're going to have to give you another three month extension on the dealine and reduce the payments again.
I'm sorry, but this uniform just isn't me. The cut's all wrong, and, I mean, well... black? That's sooooooo last year, and what with my pale complexion... I'd be a lot better off in something in autumnal tones, perhaps with a decent pair of shoes - these boots are far too heavy...
Excuse me Masterspy, but given that Mike Mercury requires the assistance of both Dr Beaker and Professor Popkiss to launch it, I have little confidence in your ability to steal Supercar. Indeed, I personally doubt that we can get the canopy open, and I'm getting a little tired of being blown up with just enough explosive to ruin my clothes and blacken my face every time we try.
Right! I've relabelled all the fossils explaining that they were laid down in the Great Flood. I've replaced any datings from before 4004 B.C. and I'm just about to shift the dinosaur skeletons across to the "Early Homonids" display section so they can play with the children. I reckon it'll all take about siz days then I'll have a nice rest. Anything else needing done?
I've called you all together here to let you know that the 'Cash in the Attic' team will be arriving at 10 o-clock. I'd like you to give them all the assistance they need.
Museums are conversations, human beings talking to each other in human voices, not old stuff in glass cases that smells of death. Museum 2.0 will no longer have "visitors" and "exhibits", but must create conversational artefacts which anyone can interact with anywhere. User-contributed content organised by folksonomies instead of exclusionary scholarly descriptions. To begin with, I'm hiring a team of user experience designers to transform our exhibition halls into themed multimedia internet-enabled user-directed experiences. The old stuff in glass cases can be stored in the basement. And every member of staff is going to write a blog.
[Raak] I think you have that wrong. In my experience of museums that person will end up as the Head Curator - possibly as CEO of MLA. Likewise Sierra Mike's. Here's the surefire way to get sacked:
"What we need round here is proper, orderly cataloguing; displays that present artefacts in chronological order and present them in the proper scholarly language. Under no circumstances must members of the public be permitted to sketch items, talk or bring children into what is properly a space for private scholarship or, better, religious contemplation."
[Projoy] *swoon* Except I'd allow a limited number of bona fide students with sketch pads, provided they are studying a relevant subject at a proper university and have a letter of introduction from their head of department. A few serious bright young things make a suitable decoration for hushed halls of learning.
[Projoy] Well, if the game has become How to Get Fired as Quickly as Possible I'd suggest "I've soaked everything in petrol and put a match to it". :o)
The conventional view is that museums hold things of the past. Why don't we challenge that and build a museum of the present! An exhibition of the best of modern life: espresso machines, boy bands, and Jade Goody nude. And we'll never run out of space, when we throw out the new to make way for the newer.
"Ooooh-la-la, my first order of business will be to gargle with lavoris, next I'll slap on a little cologne, and finally its off to reanimate old Queen Hatshepsut in her drab sarcophagus. Now, WHERE did I put that 'Do Not Disturb' sign?"
Listing all these civilizations by name is racist, and separating the artifacts into so-called "cultures" only demonstrates outdated tunnel-visioned stereotyping.
I'm quite shocked at the state of disrepair of so many of our exhibits. I'm going to commission some artists to recarve the features on the Easter Island statue, and a couple of gallons of plastic wood should see the old Polynesian boats in proper working order again.
An excellent choice, sir. [sotto voce] Strictly entre nous, I like that one so much that I swiped a couple of bottles last Saturday, took them home and got completely rat-arsed!
We'd save a lot of money by buying any old plonk and replacing the labels with whatever we want to print up. The punters will believe whatever I tell them.
With respect, sir has neither the taste to appreciate the wine that sir is indicating, nor, to judge by sir's off-the-peg suit, the wallet to pay for it. May I suggest that sir sticks to the house red instead of getting ideas above himself?
Before you taste this wonderful vintage sir, there is just the matter of the health and safety risk assessment questionnaire just a formality, only take ten minutes of your time. Now is sir left or right handed?
Of course, drinking alcohol means you go straight to hell, but if you must, why not have the very best and make it worth being drowned in boiling oil for countless aeons?
Come straight in, and sit down please. No talking. Face the front, I said No Talking! it's no good looking at me like that me laddie, me boy, I saw that, right! arms folded both of you. Now!
"Today we will explore role reversal in the bedroom and in preparation I have procured costumes for each of you. I would like for you madame to strap on this cumbrous prosthetic appendage, and for you sir I have a maidenform mangina. In addition, if neither of you will object I would like to tape this session for quality purposes." ............. i know i know i'm outa here already!"
If you're here, your relationship's broken down. So you already know what to do next, don't you? If you're looking for advice on splitting the assets, don't ask me, see a lawyer.
Wherever you are, that's exactly where you want to be, or you wouldn't be there. Whatever you're doing is exactly what you want to be doing, otherwise you wouldn't be doing it. There is nothing to fix and no problem to solve. That will be £300.
I'm very glad that you have come to see me. You have both taken a very courageous and mature step towards building a better, healthier relationship. Working together, and treating each other with mutual respect, I am sure that over the coming weeks and months we will be able to develop the understanding and trust that serve as the foundation stones for solid and long-lasting companionship and love. Now, as the first step -- I'm sorry, but could you stop sucking on your teeth like that, it's really irritating -- as the first step, I want to engage in a trust-building exerci-- wait, and you, can you stop drumming your fingers like that -- trust-building exercise, in which -- WILL YOU STOP THAT! -- in which I am going to ask each of you in -- GOD, THAT IS REALLY ANNOYING, STOP IT, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE...
Right - you've got your boxing gloves... Now, I'm going to turn the lights out, and the last one standing will be the one who was obviously right all along.
To begin with, obviously, you must both learn the piano. Follow me over here please. OK. This here is middle C which is sort of the main note on the instrument, and then you have...
To protect my face from the constant heat of the forge I wear this "leather" facemask I ran off from some offcuts I had from another...project. Why don't I you my hammer collection? It's in this cupboard. You go ahead and I'll follow you into the nice dark cupboard full of hammers. Big, heavy hammers. That's right...