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World's Worsest
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Start with World's Worst Chat Up Lines, till it wears out then start a new topic.
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Braaaiins!
Hello, I'm Hyde. I believe you were examined by my partner Dr. Jekyll the last time around
You've got osteoporosis, incipient Alzheimer's, a weak heart, high blood pressure, risk of stroke, a dodgy prostate, emphysema, and a crop of stomach ulcers, but look on the bright side, you're in perfect health for a man of 92.
Ummm...I don't know how to tell you this. We got you mixed up with another Mr. Smith who's come in for a vasectomy...the one we mistakenly just finished doing on you instead. But don't worry, we will bind up your sprained ankle for free.
Specialist? Of course I'm a specialist - I was born in early July.
You do understand when I say we'll perform a root canal, it means we'll have to go in through the buttocks?"
Class, with the unwilling assistance of Mr. Falstaff here, I will now demonstrate for the benefit of you first year medical students why it is NOT best to perform an autopsy on a freshly deceased middle-aged man before rigor mortis has set in.
Oh my. Oh my, oh my, oh my. Oh my, oh my. Oh my.
[Falstaff] That's not funny. ;-) Years ago I had 'a bit of a turn' and attended a city hospital. Whilst lying on a trolley a doctor arrived with five or six students in tow. "Listen to this" he said, "a classic case of FM." The group dutifully put their stethoscopes to my chest, nodded wisely and then left. It frightened the whatsit out of me at the time and I still don't know what FM means. 'For the Morgue'? 'Frightened Man'? 'Frigging Moron'? No doubt the latter - oh, well. So:
Hello, I wasn't expecting to see you again.
Hmm. Please read that as 'whilst I was lying on a trolley'. Thanks.
(on a similar theme) You're still here, Mr Nights? Thought you were, uhm, oh well, you're here now.
Yes, your toe does look a bit swollen. Let's see if we can get to the root cause: were you sexually abused as a child? Think hard, you may have fogotten.
Oh, goodness! We'll take care of that right away - wait... you're NOT here for facial reconstructive surgery?
It'll just be a few moments, Mr. Smith. Soon, when you're done with the EKG and EEG, the MD who does the CAT (he's also an FRCP), and the RN from PET will be with you STAT. That's if the LNP has already come back from MRI with the test report, and your PA, SGOT, TAT, Ca, Na and K values have been obtained from PATH, your joint flexibility has been evaluated by the DO and the PharmD has evaluated the possible drug interactions between your PAS capsule and the APC tablets.
Is the general anesthesia making you drowsy Mrs. Higginbothum? Good! By the way, I will not be performing your cosmetic surgery due to numerous long-standing and libelous malpractice litigations, but my lovely receptionist, Miss Sunnyweather, has agreed to operate the knife under my direction. [Dujon] My sincere apologies if I've vexed you in any way, ;-) might I add your account recalls to me of an incident where I too visited a city hospital some years back and feeling wicked I appropriated a stethoscope and a physicians garb w/nametag [Dr. Abdul-Haseeb Musad, M.D.] which translates from Muslim into 'Servant of the esteemed unfettered camel' and I purposely intercepted a group of young interns [who mistook me for their instructor] leading them on the most invaluable learning excursion of their lives. Might I say they were most impressionable and questioned nothing that I put to them which caused me the utmost joy. It is no small wonder that I recount you specifically, and I ask that you overlook my roguish style of comedy, what I diagnosed as 'a classic case of FM' was by no means accurate ... I am certain you did not suffer from 'Foot & Mouth' disease. And I am confident I did those youth a service who flunked out of medical school on my account. ;-)
[Falstaff] I thought it was you. It's your M.C. pseudonym that gave it away. Thanks for the guffaw. Incidentally, I think it was Foot in Mouth from which I was (and may still be) suffering, but no one has been strong enough to advise me to that effect.
"OMG! Nurse! Get in here stat! We must act without delay and quarantine the premises, immediately! Get the Atlanta CDC on the phone and inform them we have a level 5 containment! Alert the national guard and homeland security ... but first, send for the priest in the lobby so he can read this condemned man his last rites ..... oh wait a minute ... you can disregard that order, I was mistaken ... it's only the measles."
1ts t1m3 4 s0m3 l33t surg3ri3xx0rz, y0
"All your base are belong to us."
Hmmm... How interesting... Nurse, fetch Dr Warlock and tell him it's happened again.
I'm afraid it's not just a case of erectile dysfunction, it's a case of complete erectile non-function.
I don't believe in anaesthetics, what I say is, you can't be properly cured unless you really feel the whole operation.
Oops!
So time now, I think, for

Worst announcements to hear while flying
"MAYDAY! MAYDAY!! MADAY!!! MAYDAY!!!!"
As, you are aware, we have a planned refuelling stop in Hawaii, but I reckon we've got a pretty good chance of reaching Tokyo without it, so let's just give it a go.
Ladies and gentlemen- This is your pilot speaking. Does anyone out there in the cabin know how to read an altimeter?
Strasvistiye daragiye passangerii, mei prelgasayem vam chitat' kriticheskaya informatsiya na kartii v'vashem stolii, potomoo shto u nas problyemkii zdeys.
"Laaaadish and geentulminsh-Thish ish yur pilot shpeeking and I am intoxi- *sic* cated."
On behalf of the cabin crew, I'd like to apologise for the fact that all the toilets are out of order. However, by way of compensation, the staff will shortly be giving you each three glasses of complimentary champagne. On behalf of the airline, I hope you enjoy them. We expect to arrive in Chicago in about six hours' time.
Good afternoon, campers! Hey, I said good afternoon! Can't hear you too well here in the cockpit. Lemme hear you say "eeeey-oh!".
"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking. On behalf of the crew, the co-pilot, and myself, we are elated to have so many beautiful people aboard this trans-atlantic flight this evening. I am excited to announce The Mile High Club is convening at this time in the cockpit and is open to all comers."
"Welcome aboard this Air Raising flight to London Hackney Marshes Airport. the cabin crew will be passing through the cabin in a few moments to collect compulsory donations for the Air Crew retirement fund, but meantime we thought you'd all enjoy a few barrel rolls and dives to help pass the time."
Ladies and gentlemen. This is Chief Stewardess Marilyn speaking. We are priveleged today to have a distinguished veteran pilot on this flight. Captain Steven MacKloskey once flew with Amelia Earhart, and to celebrate his hundredth birthday is commanding this flight today. Please welcome him back on this momentous occasion. He hasn't even flown a plane since his major stroke thirty-five years ago.
In your inflight magazine you'll find details of the radio programmes on offer including Timmy Mallett's Kids' Show. Smooth Jazz Classics with Timmy Mallett, All-Time Classics with Timmy Mallett, Timmy Mallett's Heroes of Children's TV and A Lecture on Quantum Subaltern Gender Theory. By Timmy Mallett.
Er, captain, should that dial really be reading that high?
Ladies and gentlemen, just a little bit of turbulence, nothing to worry about. However it would help if you could all lean to the left for a couple of minutes as we take this corner. Thanks.
...so due to the emergency situation Ladies and Gentlemen it has become necessary to establish the weights of all the passengers and, er, ask the heaviest to please move towards the cabin doors where the crew will, um, assist them in their, um, our descent... (Well, I worry about that anyway)
Ladies and Gentlemen : Please save some of your peanuts for later. There will not be any additional food or snack service on the second leg of this flight until we reach Tokyo after our refueling stop in Istanbul.
... and to finish off our list of acknowledgement of those who make your charter flight possible, our thanks go to Michelin for providing our tyres. Enjoy the grand prix, ladies and gentlemen.
With a bit of luck we will be landing at Tullamarine in around 17 minutes from now.
Inshallah, we shall shortly be landing at.... (That's genuine, at least on PIA)
We have just been informed that there is a suicide bomber on board, so to protect people on the ground we will shortly be diverting into the side of a mountain. Fear not, for God will know his own.
Ladies and Gentleman in the First Class Cabin. We regret to announce that, due to an error by our ground catering staff, we failed to load our stocks of the Dom Perignon 1996, and will instead be forced to serve the 1995 vintage.
Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your Captain speaking. Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until we're at the gate. And welcome to Indianapolis... Oops! Was this supposed to be the flight to Chicago?
Arr! This be Talk Like A Pirate Day, it be! Now landlubbers, see ye watch the cabin boys as they show ye the safety drill, case we be shipwrecked! Arr!
And now a request from Dave and Renee, who are celebrating their fortieth anniversary today. Shortly I'll play "Save Your Love", but first... all together now... For they are jolly good fellows...
Ladies and gentlemen, contrary to what it says in your inflight magazine, you won't be able to have your palm and tarot read or your horoscope calcuated by our normal onboard seer. Unfortunately, she decided not to come on the flight today.
Welcome aboard flight SOS13 on Macbeth Airlines, we'll be cruising at an altitude of approximately 13,013 feet and our journey will take us safely under the famous "ladder" cloud formation just north of Bermuda. We're afraid there's no salt left on board as it was all spilt on takeoff when we swerved to avoid that black cat on the runway. Shortly our cabin crew will begin demonstrating our new range of Macbeth Airlines souvenirs, including our ever popular umbrellas. I'm flight commander James "Lucky" McDeath, wishing you a pleasant and comfortable flight. [Projoy] That's gooood :)
The bad news is we've almost run out of jet fuel. The good news is that our pilot Captain Mahoney started out his career by flying test gliders for the RAF.
"This is your captain speaking. Are you prepared for an event one does not witness everyday ladies and gentlemen? If you would each maueuver so you can look sharply out the windows to the west there can shortly be seen a trio of airforce jet fighters scrambling to greet us."
Ladies and Gentlemen, we would like to welcome you aboard our non-stop flight to Los Angeles. Our flying time tonight is scheduled to be 13 hours and 26 minutes. And I would like to extend a special welcome to all of those families traveling to the Third Annual Chronic Infant Colic and Earache Convention...
We are about to return to terra firma: Drinks are now complementary and, please, feel free to have your last cigarette.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Air Marshall speaking. You may remain at ease, there is no cause for alarm, this announcement is directed at the attractive lady in the aisle seat of row 57. Ma'am, could you kindly take yourself out of harms way by quickly exiting your seat and sprawling in the aisle? It is imperative I get a clean head shot at the international terrorist seated directly behind you."
Next!

Worst idea for a TV programme

You've Been Sued! Jeremy Beadle fakes injury at the hands of a member of the public, and brings legal action. Follow the hilarious chase through the courts! See the victim's mental breakdown as the lawyers eat up his life savings! Will he win before the money runs out?

Why Bother: Those contestants from You've Been Sued! who didn't make it through the series. That is, they are broke and bonkers. All failed idiots to be placed in a confined space for as long as it takes for one of them to be, literally, the 'last man standing'. The prize is a lifetime of care (to be provided by the show's sponsor, the NHS).

Waking with Sinus Sores - an indepth, endoscopic look at infections of the nose.
Suburb! This week Kirsty Young shows off her teeth and tits in some of the nicer parts of Basingstoke. Next week - The thrills of Didsbury.
(I had one more world's worst airline announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen, if you look out of the left side of the plane you should be able to see the Sears Tower hoving into view. If any passenger can give me one reason to go on living in the next 120 seconds, I might not steer this goddamned plane into it.")
Pigsties of the Rich and Famous. Check out the lifestyle of the pigs of the filthy rich and famous at their country estates. See how the other half wallow. The first Episode "And I am a Material Sow" features Miss Piggy, Madonna and Guy Ritchie's 's prize pig at their country estate in Dorset.
MC Five-O A fast-paced drama along the lines of the acclaimed old Hawaii Five-O filled with quick-witted verbal sleuths who pursue ne'er-do-gooders (while trying to one-up one another) through the London underground. Filled with a host of unique and most remarkable characters, such as Chalky, Projoy, the enigmatic CdM, Dujon, RedSnapper, Dandalf, Raak, blamelewis (the pernennial scapegoat), I'mNotJohn (oh yes, he is!), d.c., nights, PaulWay and the arch-villain irach, among others.
Hmmm... scapegoat... The Goat Hunters pseudo-scientific docu-drama approach to regional farming programs. Some serious chick who used to be on the Bill and Nick Ross sit all night in a straw filled shed in the Cotswolds freezing their arses off, while three geeks rejected from Time Team prepare sophisticated detection equipment salvaged from the nearby barn. Meanwhile in the warmth of the studio Peter Snow interviews a clergyman about whether there is a dog.
The Old News Channel, showing 24-hour reruns of what was happening today exactly 1, 5, and 10 years ago.
[Raak] I'd watch that!
Unabridged Grown-Up Social Inclusion Jackanory - care in the community patients and members of linguistic minorities read out books like War and Peace or Middlemarch from cover to cover. Improves their English and entertains all at the same time!
The Pistil Maze - teams of executives from Surrey must locate pollen and pollinate a flower in 45 minutes.
Keep Left! More exciting footage from the Croydon LBC bollard-replacement team. Contains strong language.
Shakespeare Mimed - If a sonnet falls on deaf ears, would it sound as sweet? Or, if you choose, imagine Hamlet masking emotion, adorned in only a snug leotard, delivering his soliloquy to an audience of the hearing impaired.
Changing Gardens A team of earthmovers come along and pick up your garden and dump it on your neighbour's, while they try to do the same to you. A laugh a minute as the JCBs clash in the streets.

[Raak] It was news of 25 years ago and it was called All Our Yesterdays. I used to watch it regularly.

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