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Michael Grade has just been appointed Director General of the BBC, and, true to form, wants a clearout. Please provide inappropriate sentences that sound the death knell for a radio or television programme (for example: The Money Programme - Has anyone got 50p for the meter? or Upstairs Downstairs - "Rose! We're moving into a bungalow!"). Since Grade believes that he has God-like powers, you don't have to stick to the BBC.
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"Ooh! The sun's come out!"

University Challenge
More smart-arses making the rest of us look dim.

Countdown

"Zero....where's the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom!"

Doctor Who

*shouts, screams, generally goes wild for Raak*
Er, how did that happen?
Well done Raak, I guess(?)
Must have been the winning move - shall I reactivate this?
Doctor Who: "Yeah, I know it looks small, but it's bigger on the inside than it looks on the outside. Look, come in here with me and I'll let you have a play with it."

The Weakest Link

Actually, you all did really well...

Big Brother
"We thought he was kidding when he put 'cannibal' on his application form!"

Coronation Street
"We're demolishing the whole lot to make room for a new bypass, the plans for which have been available in a locked filing cabinet in the basement of the council offices for the last three weeks."

Late Junction

"It's a late, Late Junction" No more Mongolian nose-flute misery.

You and Yours

"Oi, that's mine, give it back."

See Hear!

"That's the last time we invite Liam Gallagher to the BBC"

Love on a Saturday Night
"you're getting divorced?"

BBC London News
"Let's ask a journalist!"

Grandstand
"Sit down! I can't see a bloody thing!"

Panorama

"And our next report comes from the bottom of a valley"

What Not to Wear

"In our next series, we'll be rediscovering sixties fashions."

Friends (has the final episode been screened over here yet?)

The One Where Ross Joins Joey and Chandler for Three-in-a-Bed Man-on-Man Action.

The Premiership

No longer a Des. Res.

Jazz Record Requests

"no, we don't have that one..."

[inkspot] ha-ha-ha-HA!

Countryfile
"And today, Countryfile is introduced by a new presenter, who suffers from Turette's Syndrome"

Test Match Special
"We've just received the test results: cricketting rots the brain with boredom."

Thought For The Day

"Ummm"

Mastermind
"Pass."

Letter from America

"this week - H is for handshake, harmony and helicopters."

Stars in their Eyes
"Tonight I'm going to be ... Barry Cryer"

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

"The Slayer cannot stand before the might of....Mechagodzilla!"

or "'Remove this soulist propaganda from our screens,' demand Anti-Soulist League."

The Sky At Night

"well, it's clouded over..."

Food and Drink
"Tonight we're going to be tasting some lovely Death Cap mushroom risotto, drizzled with a sweet strychnine sauce"

The Tweenies
"Max, I think Bella's doing cocaine again..."

The Simpsons
"In accordance with our current policy of maintaining Victorian standards, future episodes will have Homer going tee-total, Lisa spitting the dummy, Bart taking his ADD medicine and Marge getting a hair cut."

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

"We were getting too many Italians, who naturally think in lire."

Analysis

"Welcome to the 'practical pun' show. The first word we're looking at is the title of this show, so here we go with...a Rectal Examination"

Treasure Hunt
"Al Qaeda operatives have hidden a cache of weapons somewhere in this mountain range. Can the team find it, while not walking into any minefields or booby traps?"

Star Trek (the entire canon and spinoffs)

It's life, Jim, but not as we know it. Beam me aboard, quickly , Scotty.

Colombo

Sponsored from now on by Johnson's Dry Cleaners

Horizon

So up yours Lord Hutton.

The Magic Roundabout
"You know" said dillon "I wonder if Florence is a virgin"

Dangermouse

"Well, he's definitely not the mild mannered janitor."

Trumpton

"What a wonderful place to build a new town!" said Bob the Builder.

So Graham Norton

" ... and for the remainder of the series, all shows wil be recorded at The Monaghan Trappist Monastery"

Eurotrash

"... and now an in-depth report about landfill management in Germany."

Room 101

"..Since the entire audience agrees, we will have to put Room 101 into Room 101"

Ready Steady Cook

Bzzzzzzt!! Repetition! I think it near the beginning of the game
Actually that would be quite a decent series closer so if you'll allow me, INJ, to nominate another?

Hell's Kitchen

"This week, a top chef gives Satan tips on cooking human flesh with fire, sulphur, and brimstone."

Today

"And now a report from the BBC archives..."
One Man and His Dog
"Normally, we'd insist on there being a bit more distance between him and the dog, and that he should wear clothes, but he seems to be enjoying himself nonetheless."

Panorama

Today we investigate the new technology, shortly to be released to not only sporting telecasters but also oursleves, called 'tunnelvision'. [Darren] Done earlier by Software and rab

Match of the Day

Number Three. The Swan Vesta. [pause] The Swan Vesta.

Murphy's Law
But first, a party political broadcast.

Murder She Wrote

"Damn, out of ink ribbon." [UK] a-HA-ha-ha-ha!

Masterpiece Theatre
"In a ground breaking televisual event, Ant and Dec will star in a live action version of Bill and Ben"

Top of the Pops

"No move at number one for Bryan Houston's 'I Will Always Do Everything That It Is That I Do For You', holding onto the top spot for a shattering four-hundred-and-thirty-seven weeks!"

Family Fortunes

(That joke once was topical)
"And playing against them we have the Beckham Family. Meet David, Victoria, Brooklyn..."

Father Ted

"...a new series, featuring all of the original cast" coat...

The National Lottery
"The numbers are... 1... 1... 1... 1... 1, and... 1. The bonus ball is... 1."

Newsnight Review

"Do you know what? I agree with you."

Newsnight
"I love you, Minister."

Blackadder

"as cunning as very cunning thing, that wrote a learned thesis on cunning, published by the cunning press, etc, etc,etc (slap)"

Countdown
British UFO Files What the F**k was that??? F**ked if I know!!!
Come ON! Too much repetition. Countdown's been 'done' already, as have at least 3 more on this page. Declaring originality with ...

Scrapheap Challenge

"And this week, can a team of former future Prime Ministers build a viable opposition government from nothing but a stack of dead wood?"

Composer of the Week

"This weeks featured composer is Rolf Harris. Rolf's contribution to the popularity of the Stylophone..."

Teletubbies

"one day, in teletubby land, Tinky Winky was off his face, while Laa Laa and Dipsy went twos on his crack pipe."

sorry, I thought I checked that out.........

The Simpsons
"We now regard this programme as a disaster of Homeric proportions".

A book at bedtime

"Tonight, the Slough Telephone Directory."

Only Fools and Horses

"And now, show jumping from Hickstead."

Desert island disks

"This week's guest is Jade Goody."

The Eurovision Song Contest

"Representing the UK, we have Jade Goody."

BBC Learning Zone

"...presented this week by Jade Goody"

How Clean Is Your House?
"...presented by Jade Goody nude."

The Proms

"...to commemorate D-Day, soloist, Jade Goody with The White Cliffs of Dover."

No Going Back

As it happens I did buy a return ticket.

Steptoe and Son

"I'm having an, erm, operation next week. From now on I'd like to be known as Ethel - I hope you don't mind, Dad..."

Top Gear

"and this week we'll be putting the new Lotus head to head against the 'acme 6 volt battery scooter', more fun..... than a box of monkeys"


Animal Hospital
"Who the hell let the tarantulas out?"

Bill And Ben
"This week on Ground Force, we're going to remodel a rather unusual garden..."

Bob the Builder

"Now, wherever have Bob and Wendy got to?"

Jonathan Creek
"This week, Maddy and Jonathan apply their talents to what is still an unsolved mystery."

Bargain Hunt

"This week, I'm going to be auctioning off these genuine 24 carat gold chips that I've just found in my pocket..."

Starsky And Hutch
"Dude, where's my car?"

Strictly Come Dancing
"Move your foot to the left, not the right. *thwack* How many times do I have to say this? *thwack* I don't want to have to punish you again, Bruce."

Britain Goes Wild With Bill Oddie

"I told you how dangerous Ecky Thump was!"

Rentaghost
"Oh, so that's why they call you Mr Claypole."

One Foot in the Grave

"Where's the rest of Victor gone?" coat...

Mr Bean
"Oh, so that's why they call you Mr Bean."

Call My Bluff

So what are or is a Celebrity.

Womans Hour

So what exactly do you mean by Post-Op Nadia?

Blue Peter
Hello Mr Stringfellow!

Most Haunted
"why, it was the old caretaker!" "yes, and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling TV sorts"

Will and Grace
For the inheritance we are about to recieve may the Lord make us truely thankful.

Party Election Broadcast
"Oi, mate, where's the bloody party? Putting a tick on this bit of paper ain't my idea of a good time. Put some music on and give us a drink."

Football Focus

"Bugger it, I just sat on my specs!"

Gardeners' World

"And this week, we look at the ideal way for busy city folk to manage a garden: pave the whole thing over."

Farming Today

"...sponsored by Monsanto."

Robot Wars

Now I look down the harbor. All manner of boats, overloaded with fleeing population, pulling out from docks.

Streets are all jammed. Noise in crowds like New Year's Eve in city. Wait a minute... The... the enemy is now in sight above the Palisades. Five — five great machines. First one is crossing the river. I can see it from here, wading... wading the Hudson like a man wading through a brook...

Now the first machine reaches the shore. He stands watching, looking over the city. His steel, cowlish head is even with the skyscrapers. He waits for the others. They rise like a line of new towers on the city's west side...

Now they're lifting their metal hands. This is the end now. Smoke comes out... black smoke, drifting over the city. People in the streets see it now. They're running towards the East River... thousands of them, dropping in like rats.

Now the smoke's spreading faster. It's reached Times Square. People are trying to run away from it, but it's no use. They're falling like flies.

Now the smoke's crossing Sixth Avenue... Fifth Avenue... a... a hundred yards away... it's fifty feet...


The West Wing
Duck, here comes Bush and Condalisa.

Z-Cars

We've had to give it a mersey killing.

Monty Python's Flying Circus. All right, sacrilege. Do your worst.

s'tI

Spooks

"Who you gonna call?"

The Royle Family

"You know, Jim, you could get a job doing adverts for British Gas."

The Vicar of Dibley

"THERE IS NO GOD!!!"

Big Brother

"This season's participants are a crack dealer, a child prostitute, a military interrogator, an Enron executive, a captured suicide bomber, a Grey alien, an escapee from a high-security psychiatric prison, and a few brain-damaged drug addicts. And one of them is a serial killer! Guess which one as the body count rises week by week!"

Through The Night (which may not be well known to many readers: it runs on Radio 3 from sometime after midnight)

"Good Morning"

The Good Life

"Good gracious, Tom! Whatever are you doing with those potatoes?" "Human manure, Barbara!"

The Young Ones

"Hey! Rick! Come and have a go on this quad bike!"

Dead Ringers
"I thought that for the forthcoming season, we might draw more heavily upon the works of Marcel Marceau for our inspiration, what do you think, Culshaw?"

2 Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps
Certainly, Sir. Coming up immediately.

Heartbeat

da-dup, da-dup......da-dup...............beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep.........

Alias

Sydney: "I'm sorry Vaughn, Arvin and I are deeply in love" - You can tell I watch it :)

Tru Calling

"Oops, sorry, wrong number. I was trying to get Derek Acorah"

Thomas the Tank Engine
"And what can we do for you, Dr Beeching?"

Working Lunch

"Stuff it - let's go down the pub!"

Liquid News
"Help! I'm drowning!"

Stardate: The Transit of Venus

"...with your host for tonight's Celestial Spectacular, Stevie Wonder."

Will & Grace
"We're getting married and moving to Kansas."

From Our Own Correspondent

- "No, nothing to declare.... Yes, yes that's me in the passport photo, admittedly the picture was taken a few years ago and I didn't have the beard then... No, I haven't any previous convictions for anything of the kind, I told you - I'm here on behalf of the Beeb, doing a report on your government's Human Rights record. These guys are my technicians, yes, all my papers are in order... What? ... No, I don't see why you need to open the case, but if it'll keep you happy I - wait, why is he putting on those gloves? Hey now, just a minute! Hey, get your filthy hands off of - Get off! Help! Help! Call the British Embassy before they stick their hands up my -" [Transmission Ends]

-"The Late Jeremy Bowen there, with a report on the situation in Zimbabwe, which he recorded earlier today."

They Think It's All Over - Just too easy, isn't it?
"Urgh, I think you've got it all over me."

The Heaven and Earth Show

"I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition."

The Clangers
"Unfortunately the soup-dragon developed a taste for Clanger soup."

Quote unquote

It sounds like it should be Wilde, but surely it is Desperate Dan after digging into his third Cow-pie.

The Ascent of Man

Well, I'm here.

Tellytubbies
"And how many calories is in that, Po?"

Newsround

"Nothing new happening here!" A Prarie Home Companion (yes, I know, it's American, but it is Public Radio)
"I've found love on the internet. He's an account, works in New York, so I've decided to move to the Big Apple, leave the wide open country and settle down in a city apartment on the edge of Manhatten. Goodbye, I'll write you." Star in their Eyes
Oops. Should've been on a lower line, like this:

Stars in their Eyes
"Tonight, I'm going to be Fred West."

Last of the Summer Wine

"My, what a cold winter it's going to be this year."

A Question of Sport

"And, on my right, our new team captain, Breadmaster."

Queer Eye For The Straight Guy
"Joining the team this week, Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen."
[Deek] After submitting your answer, you have to propose a new candidate.

Flog it!

"Sold!"

10 o'clock News

"And the time's just coming up to midnight."

QI

"...and tonight's guests are all dyslexic"

Drivetime with Johnnie Walker
"And now, a word from our sponsor, Johnny Walker Whisky. Is your commute down the motorway a grind? Do you get tense, irritable, angry? Take a bottle of Johnny Walker with you to soothe your cares away. Relax, put the pedal to the floor, and fly down the fast lane with Johnny Walker."

The Shipping Forecast

"Scilly, variable, poor."

Sport on Five

"And now, the World Tiddlywinks Championship."

Scooby Doo

"Scooby Dooby Doo, where are - ? Oh there you are. Been looking for you everywhere."

The Wombles
"I guess that cleans everything up, then."

Enterprise
"Quick, activate the shie...

ER
"My god! You've really found a cure for all ills!"

Gamesville

"...taking a closer look at the Sinclair ZX Spectrum "

Rosie and Jim

"No-one's looking, fancy a shag?"

Diggin' It

"We've hit rock bottom" - actually they kept going for years after that

Poddington Peas

"What's that popping sound I can hear coming closer and closer?"

Ever Decreasing Circles

"At last, we finally got to the point."

The Man From U.N.C.L.E.

A.U.N.T you a woman?

Monkey Makes
Unfortunately, due to a recent outbreak of the Monkey Pox Virus...

University Challenge
"...and we all know what points make; points make..."

Third Rock From The Sun

"We've been promoted, we're moving to the Second Rock From The Sun tonight..."

Highlander the Series

"That's my head!"

Everybody Loves Raymond
BANG!

Are we running out of programmes yet?

Sailing By

"Oh my god, they shot that man wearing the nice concrete shoes. Hey, what are you doing with that gun?" forced

Just the Ten of Us
Just three more to go, and we can have the ultimate Doctor Who anniversary show!
*shouts, screams, generally goes wild for Uncle Korky*
Raak] You're right - I think it's run its course.
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