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Give quotes that suggests the person would be better seeking more suitable employment.
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Of course I support a woman's right to choose! What do you think I am, some kind of fascist?
Ma Dad loved his fitba'. Supported Rangers, aye.
What have the Roman Catholics ever done for us?
We need to reexamine our basic brand proposition, and establish new conversations that let our customers talk directly to us. I've hired Mr. Wormwood here from Screwtape.com to create opportunities to enable new user-centred engagement modes and collectively emergent reevaluation of traditional doctrine. To keep up to date on these exciting developments, subscribe to my blog, and read the new College of Cardinals wiki.

(I am delighted to record that rab's spam-detector turned up its nose at that until I invoked the name of our patron saint.)

Yes, I wear the cilice, but it won't show under my papal robes.
That Dan Brown knows his stuff, eh!
Of course I make the odd mistake - we all do. I'm not infallible, you know.
hare krishna, hare krishna, krishnoops!
Do you mind, that's my copy of Watchtower.
Personally, I think Satan's had a very bad press.
Meine Ehre heißt Treue
The porn film was a very, very long time ago. Can't we forgive and forget?
There's these two nuns in a bath, right....
What's all that smoke?
"So you say your are a Merovingian and you have come to collect what?"
Just between us, can't we stop pretending? I mean, no-one inside the Church actually believes any of this stuff, do they?
That would be an ecumenical matter!
[Phil] Feck! Girls!
We need to make the services more relevant to young people of today. How about this? "Asch nazg durbatuluk! Asch nazg gimbatul! Asch nazg thrakatuluk! Agh burzum-ishi krimpatul!" Doesn't that have a ring to it? Much better than all that boring old Latin.
The Vatican's primary purpose is of course sexual. It is a graphic representation of the phallic power of the Catholic Church. [nfras] You forgot Arse!
Jesus f***ing Christ all-f***ing-mighty!
[Phil] :op
"You know me, I'm never right!"
"These condoms don't fit..."
Here's one in poor taste, for a change: Thank heaven for little girls
My secretary's got herself pregnant but fortunately she's going to ged rid of it.
[Rosie] hehehehehehehe
I intend to make the entire Vatican archives public and publish them on the Internet.
"Bad monkey! Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad monkey!"
"Yes, of course I am a woman, what's wrong with that?"
[IS,P!] Thought I'd ignore subtlety for a bit.
"In nomine Patris, et filii et Spiritus Sancti...non verum Deo credo."
I think we should pack in this whole Pope thing and rejoin the Orthodox churches.
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!
And as the would-be Pope is taken away by the Spanish Inquisition, let's hear a Prime Minister talk himself out of a job.
I'm going to be completely honest with you...
All this power - it's wonderful!
I'm not coming in. I'm having a duvet day.
Hello. Madame Fifi's? Can you please send a couple of your girls over. Yes, the front door will be fine.
(come to think of it, that would have done for the previous subject as well)
You got the substances?
We need to consider the true meaning of democracy and consider whether elections are still fit for purpose in the twenty-first century. I see the role of PM not as being given power by the electorate to rule over them for five years but as about an ongoing process of managing their concerns through truly people-centred consultation processes which will achieve a continuity which I believe people really want instead of chopping and changing with every election. If you ask the man in the street what he wants, he doesn't care about abstract political ideologies, he wants the local council to mend holes in the road and he wants the trains to run on time, and going to the polls every few years just creates needless disruption.
I feel compelled to repeat: "Get that arse!"
"My esteemed members of the cabinet, all matters of state are herewith put on hold until further notice, as I am called elsewhere as a matter of urgency. Beginning tomorrow I will be touring with Gilbert and Sullivan with whom I am to be a pirate in The Pirates of Penzance .... flouting my bright silver buckles and my tight shiny pants. Gentlemen, I want to sing and dance!"
(Phil) I don't think you can have that one because without a shadow of doubt extracurricular shagging is a perk of the job and that of several lesser ones in government.
[Rosie] The context I had in mind was during PM's Questions.
I refer the right honorable gentleman to my butt.
What's this "other place" you lot are on about all the time? (Phil) Ah!
"Checkers? Ah,yes! George did mention something about a game plan."
People talk about democracy, but how democratic is it to have a Parliament half filled by people whose job it is to oppose the democractically elected government? When the people choose a government, then that government should be able to carry out its mandate as a team, and teamwork is very important to me, a single team all pulling in the same direction under a single manager. I never forget that we politicians are public servants, carrying out the will of the people, and it makes no sense to have the servants always squabbling about how to do the housekeeping. And as team manager, I am just a servant of the public servants. That's why my first acts as Prime Manager will be to dissolve Parliament and abolish political parties.
As we only obtained 42% of the popular vote at the election we shall only carry out 42% of our manifesto commitments. We shall be inviting the opposition parties to nominate which of their policies they wish us to carry out for them.
We hear a lot about immigration, but emigration is just as much of a problem if not more. Consider. Someone is brought up and educated in this country, and we all contribute to the cost of that, and then they go to university, so on top of the moral debt for their upbringing they incur a monetary debt as well, and then they can just say, thanks for everything, and go abroad to work for some other country. In effect, they are stealing the investment that the state -- and that means every single one of us -- has made in them, and that is something that hurts us all. When someone is mugged in the street, the mugger goes to jail, but when someone mugs the whole country, at present we do nothing at all and that cannot be right. My solution to this is to introduce citizenship accounts, in which every member of society can see exactly where they stand valuewise, and grant exit visas to everyone as long as they are showing a surplus.
       And we also have to address an even bigger problem that I call internal emigration. There are people -- you may know some yourself -- who live in this country and accept all of its benefits, but work over the internet for companies that are not based here, but could be anywhere in the world, creating value for them that should be created here while at the same time living off our resources. What I propose is an Internet Visa, which will ensure that those who can show a genuine need to access international networks can do so without the risk of selling out this country.
No, George.
Yo, yo, Mistah Speaker, Blair in da house-a-commons...
I da Prime MInister
On da left, so I'm sinister
If you oppose
Cos my power roves
From Forth to Finisterre
And it don't finish there,
I go' astonish ya.
I got the A to Zee
O' Crown dependencies.
I got departments
I manage armaments
My influence has confluence from ruins to public nu-i-sance...
This is a crap job really, but it does boost book sales and directorship offers later.
People talk about freedom of speech, but how much freedom is there when people cannot go on the Internet for fear of what they may see? How much freedom is there when anyone anywhere can say whatever they like, no matter how odious? Real freedom of speech is the freedom to speak the truth, not the freedom to speak lies. How much freedom is there when anyone can go anywhere in the country, set up in business for themselves, and charge any price they like for anything they are selling, regardless of the harm they may be doing in pursuit of their own selfish profiteering? My intention is to create a new Ministry of Truth to protect our precious freedom of speech from our enemies, and a Ministry of Labour to ensure that everyone works in the job that is best for them and best for the people.
My fellow Americans!
The twentieth century was the century of the great experiment in democracy. But remember that the twentieth century was also the century of the worst wars in history. And so having put all of that chaos behind us it is time to ask ourselves what lessons we have learned from it, and to build on that for the future. The "hundred schools of thought" having contended, what flowers have bloomed and what have proven to be weeds? In this ever more interlinked and interdependent world of ours, is it even possible for every state to go their own way? A world government is the only realistic way to bring peace and prosperity to everyone. There can be no dissension with a world government, because dissent would be a treason against all of humanity. Everyone will work together for the good of the whole, not because of any compulsion, but because it is the right thing to do. One people! One Planet! One Prime Manager!

(That's Blair's next job sorted then.)

I believe in government of the people by the people and for the people who have the most dosh.
I've tried coming up with something, but I'm blocked by the brilliant take on the theme done in "Whoops Apocalypse" years ago. It's hard to beat "I can finally tell everyone that I'm Superman". Especially if you follow that by throwing your whippet out of the second storey window so it can go for a walk.
Sorry I'm late, I've just been fisting Norman Lamont. (Well, it nearly finished Julian Clary's career, so why not Tony)
We are a grandmother. with apologies to all those traumatised by ThatchBlair
I like my cigars moist.
Nuke the bastards!
Yes, I am Russian. Is that a drawback?
Wibble!
In the interests of efficiency, I have decided to dispense with the Cabinet. I shall now be relying for key decisions on an objective process. So, shall we continue to fund the NHS? Heads we do, tails we don't.
I think it's time to reexamine the whole idea of the people ruling themselves, because it really makes no sense when you think of it. A ruler must be greater than those he rules, therefore how can the ruled be the rulers? The only logically consistent system of government is an absolute feudal hierarchy, with a monarch at the top appointed by God. The King will appoint a council of ministers to advise him, led by a Prime Minister, but the whole absurd apparatus of Parliament and elections should be done away with.
"Might I propose a URANIUM for OIL program?"
"America is our staunchest ally." no, no blindfold ... but i would enjoy a final cigarette
Where do I sit?
Surely a retarded monkey could do this job?
What? You mean it's not a permanent post?
Allahu Akhbar!
Hello, I'm David Icke.
I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.
[Raak] Overtures of "you have to vote for the lizards or the wrong lizard might get in"
[IS,P! / Raak] Made me think of Bill Bailey's "Human slaves, in an insect nation!"
[Phil] Your reference to Julian Clary's fisting of Norman Lamont made me wonder 'what newspaper does Phil read?'
Time for a new career?
[IS,P] Is that a question or a valid move?
[UK] Yes.
[IS,P!] Whatever comes to hand, although if I'm buying a newspaper (very rare occurence) it would be the Daily Telegraph. I also happened to be watching the award ceremony when Mr Clary made said comment, and I pretty much p*ssed myself laughing.
Recap: We have had Police Constable, Supermodel, Brain Surgeon, Farmer, Electrician, Car Mechanic, MC Coach, Evil Henchperson, Museum Curator, Somellier, Relationship Counsellor, Blacksmith, Nuclear Physicist, Shepherd, Stand-up Comic, Prostitute, Speaking Clock, Personal Trainer, Anthropomorphic Personification, Pope and Prime Minister. How about
Taxi Driver
Where are we, guv?
Well, I could drive you all round the houses and charge a tenner, but you don't need a taxi, it's actually just a five minute walk straight down this road.
Y'know... I've never actually had anyone famous in the back of the cab...
Sorry about the bumpy ride, I'm just nervous about my driving test coming up tomorrow. Failed three times already.
Are you lookin' at me? (oblig.)
Do you mind drivin, guv? I'm too pissed.
Allahu Akbar! oblig
"I've been expecting you, Mr Bond..." *presses large red button*
"The knowledge? What's that,guv?"
Could you read the street signs for me pal, I can't make out a thing past the road itself with these nasty cataracts.
Sorry, I'll have to pull over for a few minutes while I have a grand mal seizure.
Richard Hammond. Pleased to meet you.
Fred Flintstone. Pleased to meet you, now get those legs pumping. Yabba Dabba Dooo!
Quick! The cops are after me, let's get outta here!
Just grab hold of this anchor - I've got no brakes.
"Not got much of an opinion on that either way"
The glass partition slides open to reveal a set of pearly enamels smiling back at you from the rearview mirror: "Chance meeting good fellow, my name is Mephistopheles and I will be your chauffeur for this evening. As you may have unsettlingly observed, the doors to this cab cannot be opened from the inside. There will be no exiting the cab nor unscheduled stops or detours until we have reached your destination. We at Pay The Piper Cab Co strive to make your trip a memorable one. We accept no plea bargains, gratuities or bribery. In fact your money is no good to us, as your fare has been prepaid VIP, nonstop to Hades, MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH."
"London Airport, guv? Sorry mate, but my shift's nearly up and I live in Hackney."
In the pouch in front of you there's a bag of dog biscuits, can you just give one to my guide dog? Thanks.
You could describe my political views as leftish-liberal.
The kids are all right.
When I started to drive, you didn't need a licence.
It's really not worth it, mate, it's only round the corner. You could walk it.
Follow which car? Sorry, I wasn't really looking.
Take a mini-cab, mate, much cheaper and a better service.
Half-price if you sit on my lap dearie.
No, you just pay me what you think is fair, OK?
We certainly do take credit cards.
"Heyyyy mannnnn, wanna toke on my joint?"
"It's amazing how courteous other drivers are, and I never cease to be amazed at the quality of driving."
"Here - let me open the door for you."
[Rosie] Shurely 'middle-of-the-road'
"Are we nearly there, yet?"
Tip? Sorry mate, can't accept that, the Inland Revenue rules you know.
"S'cuse me sir, have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight?"
"Can we stop a minute? I'm desperate for a pee."
I'd love to drive you to your destination, sir, but I'm worried about my carbon footprint.
"I really don't have an opinion either way on that."
[Kim] Almost as good as nfras' "Not got much of an opinion on that either way"
South of the River? This time of night? Sure thing.
A ride for a ride?
Outer Mongolia? Hold on while I call in to get a price for that.
"You'll have to get out here madame, this back alley is as far as I can drive until the court removes my ankle bracelet."
"Better out than in eh? Don't worry about it though, I'll clean that off the upholstery in a jiffy"
Have you ever thought that a taxi ride is a metaphor for life? You're in the hands of a total stranger (that's me, God), and once you get in, it's like being born into life, you've no control over where it goes, oh, you can say "Take me to the Hilton" just like you can say "I'm going to be the next Bill Gates", but no-one's going to pay any attention, and you can't get out, even if you could force the locks on the doors we're doing over 100 so what are you going to do, jump? And at the end of life...there is DEATH!!
Time for a change? So far we have had:
Police Constable, Supermodel, Brain Surgeon, Farmer, Electrician, Car Mechanic, MC Coach, Evil Henchperson, Museum Curator, Somellier, Relationship Counsellor, Blacksmith, Nuclear Physicist, Shepherd, Stand-up Comic, Prostitute, Speaking Clock, Personal Trainer, Anthropomorphic Personification, Pope, Prime Minister and Taxi Driver.
Please put an <hr> before the category title and make it bold and/or colourful as you desire. Feel free to ignore the suggestion if you have more to offer in this category!
DVD Store Salesperson
I would just like to say that, having read his last post, I never want accept a lift in Raak's car...
So I take it you've never heard of bittorrent then?
DVD's are rubbish, everyone knows that. For real quality you can't beat a videocassette, the colours are so much richer, and they don't wear out, not if you treat them properly. DVD's, you can get fingerprints and cat pee all over them and they still play, what sort of quality is that?
CD? DVD? So what's the difference?
I can't recommend "Robin Hood: Men in Tights" strongly enough.
I know where to get it, if you want it.
If you're looking for the 'real cinema experience', I've got some here that were filmed from the back row...
Sorry, I was just in the back room. Ah, let me just wash my hands.
"Of course, this model at £249 gives a much sharper image, which you are bound to appreciate on your 42" LCD screen." Ace filth, Phil
Hardcore kiddie porn sir? I've got just the thing. Sorry I'm shouting sir, it's a nervous illness.
We've got this boxed set of 17 DVDs, each with a peculiar Easter Egg...
[Phil] I'm glad I read that before I lifted my coffee to my lips!
[UK] I wish I understood it.
[IS,P] You'd need to watch the excellent Doctor Who episode Blink.
[UK] I have downloaded same and will be watching it as soon as the exam season is over.
Sorry, sir, we're right out of brown envelopes, here's a clear plastic bag.
Oscars schmoscars, sir. What's important is the nude wimmin on the cover.
[UK] :-)
[Software] If only you knew the quantity of filth that I don't post because it's way beyond what common decency permits!
Have I got snatch? Come over 'ere and say that sunshine!
Sorry, Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang is out, maybe you'd like this one, Anal Invaders 3.
[Phil] Give us the filth!
[IS,P!] Not yet! This one was suggested by my son:
"Oh yeah, that's a great film! You'll love the twist at the end when it turns out that it wasn't Kyle that murdered his wife after all."
There's no point watching Sixth Sense if you haven't watched the other five.
[following on from IS,P!]...and don't get me started on Passenger 57
...not to mention 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea.
Have you seen the first nine of the "Malcolm" decalogy? Can't seem to get them anywhere.
[IS,P, Phil] Don't laugh. The reason why "The Madness of George III" was transformed into "The Madness of King George" was that market research in the US showed that people were less likely to go and see the film because they hadn't seen "The Madness of George I" and "The Madness of George II".
*Rings Doorbell* "Hi ... remember me? I'm the salesperson who waited on you this evening. I couldn't help but notice the titles you selected and seeing as my shift was ending, I tail-gated you home with my headlights off so's not to frighten you ... and [l o o o n g p a u s e] here we are. Can I come in?"
[nfras] I can believe that. When Telecom Eireann went public they changed the name to "eircom" because they thought potential US investors might confuse "Eireann" with "Iran".
[oegy] :-)
Really, you should be ashamed of yourself for watching that filth!
You get a free copy of Anal Isis with each title rented. No, it's mandatory.
[nfras] Whenever I hear a story like that, I find it's wise to do something like this.
[CdM] Ah. Snopes. It's an interesting one. They do openly state that the distributors were not responsible for the change. However, the director states that the story is "not totally untrue". What he doesn't state (at least snopes doesn't state it) is that market research was undertaken and that because of the lack of the word "King" in the title, Americans did not make the connection between George III and King George III. The studio thought it a big enough risk from the results of the market research that the title 'King' had to be added. The 'III' was also removed. It has never been revealed why. The studio only ever mentions why King was added. One must assume that it was done for a reason that does not want to be publicly disclosed. One thing a good director knows is that in the film industry, you don't get far if you call your largest audience stupid. So I think on this, Snopes should rate it as unconfirmed.
[nfras] Yes, I'd agree it has a hint of 'unconfirmed' about it. But do you know that such market research was undertaken and found the result you state? If so, then I withdraw my objection. Otherwise, I think the story is better put in the urban legend category.
"Yes, yes, yes, I'll check you out in a minute. But can't you see I'm very busy right now?" *turns back to nfras*
[CdM] I'll try to find the source. I was pretty sure that they did market research.
OK, new topic: how about HOSPITAL RADIO DJ
"And now, for all you oldies, here's Eddie Cochran's Three Steps to Heaven."
"Especially for junior doctors on the night shift, here is a selection of soothing lullabies."
And now an urgent message for Mr Eric Sergeantson in the Kensington Ward. You were told this afternoon that you had 48 hours to live, but there has been a mistake. Dr Humphreys says he was meant to tell you yesterday. Now, Groove is in the Heart by Deee-lite.
"Pssssst ... Hello? This is God. Yes, you lying in the bed there .......... that's right I 'm talking to you. It is time. Come into the light my child. Come into the light."
And here's Madness with Cardiac Arrest
A special request from the staff in the STD Clinic, It started with a kiss.
And if you're in the isolation ward, here are the Police with Don't Stand So Close To Me. (I should point out at this stage that I was a Hospital Radio DJ in a previous incarnation - i.e. when I was a student). [Yoakum] Nice one
"For everyone on the intensive care ward, here's The Eagles with Hotel California, and remember, you can check out any time, but you can't leave."
And another one for the Cardiac ICU, Madonna with Die Another Day.
" ..... and so good luck to all in Accident and Emergency - break a leg!"
Don't touch that dial!-ysis machine.
And now here's our friend James with a quick run down of all the events and happenings in the town today. James - what's everyone missing?
Now, a special event has been happening in the hospital this week. I have right here a note that says that the South African Mr Universe has been visiting patients in the hospital and helping to raise their spirits and get them back home soon. Oh, wait, that's a misprint. I should say MRSA has been round the wards this week and 300 beds are now vacant.
For Mrs Trellis in geriatric, here is a request from your family, Neil Sedaka Stairway To Heaven.
[Softers] Shurely Stairlift
That was Desperate Dan. We continue our 24-hour, commercial-free Lieutenant Pigeon marathon with Mouldy Old Dough. Again.
Here is a traffic report: Owing to a fire in (names the hospital) all roads have been closed in the vicinity and there is serious conges...... Shi-i-i-i-t, I'm going.
A message to Debbie and Paul Tarnish, from their father in the colostomy ward. He says not to worry, he's doing fine. Meanwhile, here's the Godfather of Soul with Papa's Got a Brand New Bag
"And now, for your enjoyment we will broadcast a short radio drama entitled, The Murder of Patient X In Room 9906. While it is airing, your host will be away from his mike recording tomorrow's episode, The Copycat Murder of Patient Y."
[Oegy] LoooL
The hospital would like to appologise once again for the loss of the cable TV and radio services, due to the cable being cut during the laying of the new car park. Service will be resumed on Monday. Now back to 24 hours of Sousa
OK folks, you asked for themed days to lift the dull monotony of your pointless existence. So let's kick off the first Morrissey Day with Girlfriend in a Coma.
Just going for a fag - back in 25 minutes.
[Oegy] Thank you for the laugh. That was absolutely brilliant, sir.
And we have a mystery guest today roaming the hospital wards! If you see a doctor walking around brandishing a syringe, call him over and say, "You are Dr. Jack Kevorkian and I claim my 5cc of morphine."
Just coming up to lunchtime, and to get those taste buds going, here's a selection of songs from Sondheim's Sweeney Todd. This one's a request from the boys and girls in the mortuary.
And for those whose lives are hanging by a thread, here are Doctor and the Medics with Spirit in the Sky
And the Morrissey day continues. The man with Ebola in the isolation ward has requested I Started Something
And now, the results of the sweepstake on how many patients died here last week...
[Raak] nice!
And Magdi Yakoub's favourite, Feargal Sharkey's A good heart is heard to find.
And for all you Elvis Costello fans in Physiotherapy, here's I can't stand up for falling down
Allahu Akbar! oblig.
[Raak] "OK, the winner is Mr Gapp from Rosemary Ward, who... oh, apparently Mr Gapp won't be able to receive his prize... So, anyway, the sweepstake is open now for this week's figure..."
"...and it's a rollover!"
[Projoy re: Sweeney Todd] That'll be The worst pies in London then?
We once again apologise for the spate of heart attacks yesterday when we announced that we would be doing an extended investigation into Youth in Asia. We have now renamed this Young People of the East.
[nfras] Hee hee! Had to think about that one.
"And now, we will air a segment entitled The Patient Files. The word around the water cooler is that the patient in room 101 has not been taking his medication. If you are listening, Mr. Macavity, your hearing aid has been found in your bedpan once again. Please take the suppository out of your ear and assume the usual stance. Oh, that's right! You can't hear me! Bummer!"
We'd like to welcome a new surgeon to the team, Mr Hamish Dalmeny-Invergordon. Let's pipe him aboard, punters, with Bobby Darin's Mack the Knife.
Between you and me, the sister in ward 10 really screams when she comes.
I'll get me lab coat
"AWOOGA! AWOOGA! ... Jiggedy! Jiggedy! ... Who's your daddy now, nurse in training, Johnson? ... *gentle moanings* ... Oh! Oh! Oh ... my god, it's like, I think the mike is on! ... PANT! PANT! ... WHOO! WHOO! ... I can't stop now! ... CHUGGA! CHUGGA! ... *gasps* ... Now what were you saying? ... Eeeew! The mike! I think it's on! ... Oh, I'm F**ked! ... *giggles!* "
I'm right behind you
"Good morning listeners! Today we are airing live for the first time from our brand new medical facility on Westhaven Court, to watch the razing of our old hospital on Easthaven Court, in approximately 3 minutes, and counting; overnight, the patients of Easthaven Medical were successfully evacuated and transported to our new location, and explosive charges planted in the basement to implode the entire structure in on itself. It will be a grand sight! I sure hope we did not leave anybody behind!"
Today we are happy to have Dr Watson who many of you will know. Now tell me Dr Watson, why do the other doctors call you Dr Death?
[nfras] A fine one on which to change topic.
Recap: Police Constable, Supermodel, Brain Surgeon, Farmer, Electrician, Car Mechanic, MC Coach, Evil Henchperson, Museum Curator, Somellier, Relationship Counsellor, Blacksmith, Nuclear Physicist, Shepherd, Stand-up Comic, Prostitute, Speaking Clock, Personal Trainer, Anthropomorphic Personification, Pope, Prime Minister, Taxi Driver, DVD Store Salesperson and Hospital Radio DJ.
Weather Forecaster
We've had a call from Mrs S. in Gloucester saying there are floods there. Well, let me reassure you, Mrs S, that our models show there can't be floods, so you're perfectly safe, nothing to worry about.
The weather on Earth tomorrow will be generally windy, sunny, and overcast, rain ranging from showers to torrents, and snowstorms especially in polar regions. Equatorial desert areas will be hot. The long-range forecast indicates a rise in average temperatures of a degree or two over the next century. The Moon continues to be sunny by day with zero cloud cover and temperatures plummeting at night.
"You know, I've been completely lost since that last storm blew my piece of seaweed away."
"This (a cold front) will be moving south and there'll be some weather on it". Verbatim, more or less, from BBC R4 forecaster Kirsty McCabe, the de-rigeur-Scottish-woman-with-the-nasty-tinny-accent-who-knows-little-meteorology-and-will-be-off-doing-something-else-in-the-media-soon. Room 101, poss.
Page 3 girl speaking in a French accent out of a porn film: Zere will be a verree warm frurnt (thrusts infeasibly large chest towards viewer) approsheeng, an' eet will mek me verree verree 'ot, so 'ot zat I must -- to continue watching, enter your credit card details now.
Raak must divulge the channel he saw that on immediately, so we may all appraise the quality of the weather reports.

The Earth will shake and lightning will blaze down from the heavens to scorch the heathen! The ground will be rent asunder and fire and brimstone will issue forth from the cracks to suffocate the ungathered, and the four horsemen of the apocalypse, Famine, War, Disease and Income Tax, will ride amongst the howling masses, reaping from them a harvest of abject misery! Loud will be the screams of those dragged down into the fiery depths to suffer torment eternal! Sunday will be warm with scattered showers.
[SM] Lovely.
[Fessing Up] I vaguely remember something like what I wrote being done when I was a kid. Could have been Marty Feldman, Could have been ISIRTA. I felt it was time for a retread.
"A mild night, with temperatures 4 to 17 Celsius. That should cover it. We have to do this to cover our arses and avoid litigation. Crap, really. Shit! Was the mike on?
And we've just heard that tomorrow God will be on strike and we won't be having any weather at all of any kind.
"Hello, I'm Wincey Willis."
" ... which means we'll see a lot of those fluffy white things."
"Scorchio!"
Christ I'm soaked! I came out without a coat and umberella today.
If it is your fate to be rained on, you will be rained on. God will decide.
Okay people, it's time to spin the "Weather Wheel". Round and round and round she goes, where she'll end up no-one knows. Okay, that's "scattered showers" on the wheel. Now we throw the "Dart o' Prediction" at the Map and ... Brighton (near as dammit)! So that's "scattered showers in the Brighton Area" and we just need to roll the polyhedral Dice of Time and spin the dreidel of duration ... 5 hours starting at 6pm! While I'm figuring out the rest of Britain's weather, why don't we cut to camera three where Josh Atkins is ready at the bingo ping-pong ball machine to give you today's stock market trends and tips.
Let's have a look at what the chicken entrails are showing us today.
Today the San Andreas fault will open, drowning the HEATHEN DENS OF INQUITY of California. The shock will create a great wave that will sweep over the Earth scouring it clean of filth, except for the chosen few whom God in His infinite mercy has suffered to build an Ark to sail on the Flood.
"And if you're out and about watch out for that wind, which could cause structural damage into Thursday across the southern coastal fringes. Can't tell you the direction because we don't do vectors until Year 10."
[nfras]
<sings>Ayrton Senna has the voice of a tenor, Peter Snow sings very low, Mark Burano is a soprano, John Kettley, John Kettley, John Kettley... is a weatherman
John Kettley is a weatherman, a weatherman, a weatherman
John Kettley is a weatherman and so is Michael Fish
And so is Billy Giles
And so... is Ian... McCaskill...
... And so is Wincey Willis</sings>
[Sierra Mike] My parents occasionally quote a weather forecast from (probably) "That Was The Week That Was" in which the forecaster says, very dryly, "Sorry about that, Egypt." In fact it's become a bit of a family catchphrase. I've just done a quick search and found this:
As a freshman at Cambridge, Idle played a weatherman in a skit called ''BBC BC,'' written by the older Cleese: ''Over the whole of Egypt, plague followed by floods, followed by frogs, and then death of all the firstborn -- sorry about that, Egypt.''
so it seems that that wasn't the first time it had been used. However, I don't think it was Eric Idle that performed it on TV, but I can't remember who it was
There will be flooding in the north due to the heavy rain of the last few days, which was due to the cold front pushing in from the Atlantic, which...my God, it never ends, does it? Every day's weather is caused by the previous day's -- and causes the next! But that means...that the Earth must always have existed...and it always will exist...our entire lives are to Eternity as less than an atom in the whole universe! We are nothing! Aieeeee!
There will be a 33.25% chance of rain today and a 12.5% chance of snow. Sunshine is 8% likely and a warm dry day with no sun is a 25% chance. Cool and overcast is 20% likely. So that leaves a 1.25% chance of no weather at all. I'm Peter Snow, goodnight.
If you're going out today, make sure to take with you 40% of an umbrella, 10% of a pair of wellies, and 5% of a tube of sunblock.
[Raak] I was watching the weather report the other day and it stated a 50% chance of rain, essentially meaning that either it will rain or it won't. How very helpful.
(nfras) What would you like them to have said, given the inherent uncertainty in weather forecasting?
[Rosie] "It could do anything, if you look out of your window you'll have a better idea than we do."
Are the stars out tonight? I don't care if it's cloudy or bright, for I only have eyes for yooooou...!
Owing to a widespread attack of pathetic fallacy, tomorrow's weather will be determined by the collective mood of the populace. So please cheer up, you miserable buggers.
Tomorrow will be muggy, The next day will be tuggy, followed by wuggy, thuggy and fuggy.
Eh-oh!
Another? How about
School Inspector
I was a first class teacher and an exceptional head.
Look, just hit the little buggers. I won't tell anyone.
I was a first class teacher and give exceptional head.
Funny, I never could spell.
You forgot the "e" on "potato", boy.
'Ave you got a loight, boy?
Are your expressive movement classes for five-year-old rigorous?
And do you take photos of them during swimming class?
Yes, I know the authorities don't like it but I still like to carry a cane with me. I even have ball-gags and handcuffs for when I do the public schools.
Yes, I always do my inspections wearing the gimp suit. Why do you ask?
Sorry, but I'm a naturist, and if you don't like it - tough!
There are no bad students, only bad teachers.
These children are not special neeeds with behaviorial problems but are disobediant brats, disrupting the teacher and should be immediatley excluded.
My belief is that the free market is a self-controlling mechanism that can be applied to education as much as to anything else. You advertise lessons, teachers compete to get a share of the student market and students use their purchasing power either to get into the lessons they like, or to skip classes and spend the cash at the chippie instead, in the full awareness of the future impact this will have on their earning power in the job market. It works very efficiently, and it drives up results because the students are incentivised to remain committed to the course of study they have paid for, since there are no second chances, while the students who would fail are less likely to enrol in the first place.
There are no bad teachers, only bad students.
[Projoy] Excellent idea!
[Raak] Yes, until he returns the next year, saying: "Local youth violence is a major problem for this school, so let us use the market to find a solution. The children should now be additionally empowered to spend some of their otherwise learning-directed funds on the secure bus to protect them from being attacked on the way home. Those older children who did no lessons last year and who graduated with no employable qualifications are in any case now quite likely to leave for another part of the EU, say, where employment is more plentiful. You see? The market operates optimally to bring about real happiness. All is for the best in this best of all possible worlds."
[Projoy] Er, there's already a problem with youth violence.
Before we begin, I need to see your lesson plan with expected learning outcomes and measurable evaluation targets, its assessment by the school's quality assessment process, your constructive response to the assessment, documentation of agreed action items arising, your plan for implementing them, the quality assessment of the renewed plan, and evidence of your reflective examination of the quality process. I will also be assessing your adherence to the agreed lesson plan and interviewing you afterwards regarding any deviations from the plan and eliciting your suggestions for how you can improve your performance in the future.
(Raak) Are you sure this person is unsuitable for the job?
[Rosie] I don't know, but they should be.
Everyone knows the only real purpose of primary school is childminding, so if you just keep the kids from beating each other up, that'll do fine.
Another? How about
Employment Office Worker
A job? Don't make me laugh, anyone who's serious about wanting a job finds one on their own. All we do here is make no-hopers like you show willing by getting you to sign up for timewasting courses on self-presentation before we let you on the dole.
What do you want my advice on jobhunting for? Have you seen what I do for a living?
Have you thought of a career in (rolls a handful of dice...consults a long table) typewriter repairs?
Don't you try to tell me what sort of job you want, you useless piece of shit! You'll take whatever I give you and bloody well do it or that's the end of your dole! And say yes sir thank you sir, or forget about ever coming back here again!
I've a few openings here for people with experience in organised crime...
You're a woman, what do you want a job for?
£57.63p? How can you possibly run a brothel on that? Here, have £500.
I've a couple of plum spots for the right candidate. Do you speak Arabic?
You don't want to be working, look, I know this bloke who'll fix you up with a whole series of benefit scams like the one's I'm running.
How about dinner tonight, and then if you come round to my place we can discuss what sort of job I might be able to find you, if you show me you're the right sort of girl.
That one's slowed down, so time for another. The cast so far:
Police Constable
Supermodel
Brain Surgeon
Farmer
Electrician
Car Mechanic
MC Coach
Evil Henchperson
Museum Curator
Somellier
Relationship Counsellor
Blacksmith
Nuclear Physicist
Shepherd
Stand-up Comic
Prostitute
Speaking Clock
Personal Trainer
Anthropomorphic Personification
Pope
Prime Minister
Taxi Driver
DVD Store Salesperson
Hospital Radio DJ
Weather Forecaster
School Inspector
Employment Office Worker
Member of Parliament
Yeah, I like to think of myself as an independent thinker, answerable to no-one.
I applied because I wanted to have a steady 9 to 5 48 week a year job.
Well, my first priority is to annex the Sudetenland.
This green leather is so passé. I move we have the whole chamber redone in chintz.
I'm a firm believer in democracy, which is why we should do away with Parliament and elections, put the opposition into concentration camps, and reinstitute a new feudal system for the new century with everyone having their place in a true democracy.
National Anthem? Of course I know it: Allons ! Enfants de la Patrie ! Le jour de gloire est arrivé !... oops! (This really happened in Belgium last month)
WHO'S THE WANKER IN BLAAACK?
Wny do I want to stand for Labour? Well, I like your logo best.
Well, my first priority is to annexe Sunderland.
I wouldn't have joined this club if I'd known they would let women in.
Actually, no. My first priority is to axe Sunderland.
I'm terribly sorry, but I don't have time for industrial lobbyists or monied special intrests. I'm far too busy addressing the concerns of my constituents, who must always come first.
Well, I'll either annex or axe Sunderland, depending which lobby group offers me the best deal.
[Softers] No, I think you've got the wrong end of the stick, there. That one sounds ideal. Just look at the US Congress and its current disgusting attitude to the Armenian genocide resolution.
So, is it true I get to set my own salary?
And expenses?!?
I see myself as a modern Guy Fawkes.
I swear loyalty to Her Majesty the Antichrist Bitch, er I mean Queen.
Hey, what's this big heavy golden javelin doing sitting on the desk. Reckon I can get it thru that big plate glass window up on the balcony?
There, there!
I want to be an MP because Parliament is the best drinking club in London.
So who does this "whip" think he is, anyway? Whatever he says I'm voting the other way on principle.
How much am I allowed to spend on stationery, again? ref one Siobhain McDonagh MP, full story here
And that's all I have to do to get to smoke in a bar again?
My bedfellow? Absolutey not Ol' chum! I'm monogamous.
Well, I've heard a lot about whips, black rods and getting someone to help pass your motions. Seemed like my kind of place.
I just like the sound of being able to pass motions.
Taxi!
All done? Has the employment agency run out of hopeless hopefuls?
It looks that way, doesn't it?
Nem con, everyone?
Kill, pussycat, kill.
All right. How about unsuitable things to be said by a Game Continuation Specialist?
You can't end it! It's been going for fifty years! It's TRAD--
*shouts, screams generally goes wild for Raak*
So, you want to end it then? Alright, fine! See what I care! No, no, wait, that was reverse--
px3wr8igoka5u5m0
px3wr8igoka5u5m0
No, honestly, it's very safe. Completely fool-
Well, let's just ll work hard at keeping this game of Mornington Crescent going, shall we?
Watch out! *ducks*
Want to play? Online Crescenteering lives on at Discord