Mornington Crescent (thanks rab!)/Chute Horse Road
Act I, Scene 1. A beach in Bohemia. Enter Boleti and Azulejo
Twice fourteen days hath pass'd with ne'er a sight
Of ghastly phantoms from the depths of night
That formerly presaged our country's doom
Within a month, they said, we'd be entomb'd.
And yet no sign nor sniff of enemies!
So can we reinstate the Boat Race please? / [Projoy] Well, you'll have to give me a bit of time on that... Farringdon/Angel, as a stopgap measure // Victoria & Albert Museum (ghost stations wild) / [wearing my "Audience" hat] Booooooooooo! (One word)
( [Offstage wailing] / Damn this bifurcation. Ruislip Manor/Tower Hill, a move which keeps me in play but costs me all but one of my silver tokens ) / ( ( Swiss Ham / Kylie's ) / Dunno. Don't watch telly.)
Where I've used brackets to indicate furcation levels, and introduced a game of Small Earthquake... somewhere in the middle. Arrrgh...
Who makes that frightful caterwauling?
Enter Graziela and three Weasels
Graziela: 'Tis I! / Parson's Green/Green Park [Projoy] Ha bloody ha. / Act Up / New / That'll be Farce Cape, or I'm a monkey's uncle.
Film , 5 Words, Desperately Contrived
Fred: Oi, Eric! Which department are you doing tonight?
Eric: I'm on greens, mate. Why?
Fred: We're down two olfactory testers over in root veg and there's a big shipment coming in. I was hoping to get some help.
Eric: Sorry, Fred, there's no way -- we've got two container-loads of lettuce that need sniffing, and that's before we even get onto the spinach. Can't you pass some of it on to Ernie down in pulses?
Fred: Done that already. He's got one of his chaps working the overflow on turnips and carrots, and I think we can handle the surplus parsnips in-house, but I still need someone to take on...
Weasel 2 : Eeeek!
Weasel 3 : And thrice, Eeeek!
// Hyde Park Corner/Queen's Park /// Water Water / Zealand//That's got me stumped - something to do with peas ? / There once was a man with a dog
| Furcation I : Stratford-Upon-Crescent | Boleti: And why, forsooth, are you accompanied By these vermine, so dank and tawdry? |
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| Furcation II : Reverse Chalk Farm '84 | This should help matt out a bit: Euston (Bank Branch)/Euston (Charing Cross Branch) |
| Furcation III : Boardman's Combined | Square Oval |
| Furcation IV : Small Earthquake in Chile | Lamb |
| Furcation V : Sound Charades | Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is the only fruit/veg related film I can think of, but I don't think it's that. |
| Furcation VI : Limericks | Who kept a very dull log |
I almost considered making the last game Limacres for a minute.
| Furcation I : Stratford-Upon-Crescent | Graziela: These secret, black and midnight weasels three Doth speed my coach, and double as my tea. 'Tis quicker, by my troth, to get them trained, Far more than all my shrews, as yet untamed. But I, I am more shap'd for sportive tricks Than shuttling messages beyond the Styx. I prithee, vaunt my skill as ballroom dancer! |
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| Furcation II : Oh Yes It Is! |
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| Furcation III : Reverse Chalk Farm '84 | [Projoy] I admire your attempt to reunify the entire game; as to your other question, hmm. Green Park/Park Royal, leaving it open for matt. |
| Furcation IV : Boardman's Combined | Waterchute |
| Furcation V : Small Earthquake in Chile | Attacks |
| Furcation VI : Sound Charades | [matt] Yes it was Farscape - knew you'd get it. As for the this: best I can get is Smeller's Scents Of Snow (maybe Sorrel?), but I know that's wrong. |
| Furcation VII : Limericks | The dog cocked its leg |
- Enter [entirely new character]
- Exit [extraneous character who hasn't said anything]
- [hero] and [sidekick] do visual comedy bit that doesn't work in a completely verbal medium
- "Graziela, you remind me of my wife! Why, she's so ugly, her visit to the beautician's took 10 hours. And then they gave her an estimate. When she walks through the door, the mice start throwing themselves in the traps. But then my face lights up - she shoves it in the fire."
- "Whaddaya think of it so far?!"
- "I knew I should've done Today With Des & Mel instead"
- "I've had better audiences than this in a phone box"
- "I read a book about you lot the other day, it's called Bleak House"
- "Goodness gracious!" [points offstage]
- "I say, boys and girls, if [villain/ghost/zombie/alien/giant ant/bloke with sheet over head/terrorist/DEATH] shows up, you will say It's Behind You, won't you?"
- Curtain
| i Stratford | Graziela: Thy fortune, wretch, is plain for all to see If dance ye not, imperilled shall you be All men who walk these sands accurséd are Their choice: to die, or do the Cha Cha Cha! Azulejo: Bloody 'ell! Boleti: Thou ain't kidding, sunshine! Graziela: If you wouldst live beyond this night, then go! Grab thee a weasel, slow slow quick quick slow! | |||
| ii Oh Yes It Is! | Graziela: Oh yes I did! Boleti: Oh no... fair enough, you win. Enter Prince Charming | |||
| iii Fork Charm 48 | Wembley Olympia, shunting Projoy into the Mens' 10m platform competition | |||
| iv Small Earthquake | Britney's | |||
| v Sound Charades | [Martha] You're right, that's not it. The old words-not-used test should help -- and remember which department Fred's in. | |||
| vi Limacres |
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| i Stratford | Enter drunk lutenist, who strums almost tunefully Boleti: What is this noise that has just started and so painfully my earlobes parted? Lutenist: For 'tis the weasel dance Sire The one the king doth most admire Graziela: (to audience) Not when I have my way And the king have banished away! | ||||||||||||||||||||
| ii Oh Yes It Is! | Prince Charming: Ah, Princess Graziela, the fairest of all in this land. Graziela: (coyly) Prince Charming! (to audience) The most handsome prince there ever was; I wonder if he do ask for my hand in marriage? Prince Charming falls to knees, unaware of the arrival of Dobbin the Pantomime horse in the background. Charming: I was wondering, o fair Graziela Graziela flutters eye-lashes Dobbin approachs Charming and Graziela, inserting his nose right into the middle of their entrace and brays loudly Charming: Away with you, nag, before I turn you into glue. Back half of Dobbin lifts his tail; front half of Dobbin assumes expression of horror, and runs away as quickly as possible, the two halves separating. The two chase each other round for minutes until being shooed off stage by Charming. Audience: Cheers | ||||||||||||||||||||
| iii Fork Charm 48 | Shepherd's Loo, which I believe takes Blob out of the game. Sorry, Blob. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| iv Small Earthquake | Enormously | ||||||||||||||||||||
| v Sound Charades | I think Martha knows matt's one and on the assumption that he gets this one, I'll gift him two points. Film - One word
Hope that's the right kind of thing; not done this before. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| vi Limacres |
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| vii 10,000 Celerity CD's | 9,999 VD clinics | ||||||||||||||||||||
Be warned: the slightly pedantic HTML checker makes this a more difficult than usual game to play...
| i Stratford | [Cast and weasels line up in 2 columns and begin courtly dancing, Lutenist calling out the dances]
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| ii Oh Yes It Is! |
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| iii Fork Charm 48 | James Bond on Mary Whitehouse, reversing. [Blob] Nice move! |
| iv reverse Comment to Projoy | [Projoy] It's really the simple minimalist elegance of your move, in the manner of Mies van der Rohe and Kasimir Malevich that freaks me out. |
| v Small Earthquake | Overinflated |
| vi Sound Charades | OK. [matt] Is it The Swede Smeller's Excess = The Sweet Smell of Success? I figured "Smell" was right, and then went through all the smelly films I could think of. [rab] Hmm, not sure. Is it maybe Signs = Sines?? Prob'ly not. (PS. good clue) |
| vii Limacres | I'll start with an easy rhyme, this time. |
| viii 10,000 Celerity CD's | 9,998 VW Golfs |
| ix Nostalgia for Last Week | Ee, I remember when all the kids were copying David Beckham's Cornrow hairstyle and listening to Girls Aloud, by eck, those were the days. |
| i Stratford | [Exeunt] Act I, Scene 2 Castle Drogo. Enter King Syze, his daughter Meediam, Peugeot the Fool and assorted courtiers Princess Meediam: Honoured father, why mayn't I perchance | ||
| ii Oh Yes It Is! | Prince Charming: Tell him? Doesn't he already know that his land is being ravished by a vicious flame-spouting dragon that... [Graziela slaps him] Azulejo: Welcome to married life, Prince! Graziela: [to Azulejo] You can shut up for a start. [to the Prince] No, my love, tell him he's going to gain a son. Prince Charming: Your mother's pregnant? [Graziela sighs heavily] Boleti: [to Graziela] Not the sharpest tool in the box, is he? | ||
| iii Fork Charm 48 | Old Kent Road, putting all Monopoly stations in strick. [Blob] Hurrah! | ||
| iv Reverse Comment to Projoy | [Projoy] Who could fail to salute such a move? The Earth and Sky do bow down before its magnificence! The bones of the Hell-Hounds tremble to see such a move dawning upon the Earth. In the face of such brilliance what remains to be done? Nothing! So that's what I'll do. | ||
| v Small Earthquake | Bald | ||
| vi Sound Charades | [Martha] Spot on. Wot, no charade? Well, in the meantime, scrape the bottom of the barrel with this (which is both rubbish and offensive, and won't even be topical for another 6 months): Inscribed in hieroglyphics on the tomb of Thutmos III: Book & Film, 5 Words Trinny: Dear God, Susannah, I don't know how much more of this I can take! Susannah: I know, darling, I know. Believe me, I've been celibate since Spring/Summer 2002, I know the price of fashion. Trinny: Ever since sodding Lagerfeld went on his "Convent" kick we've all had to abstain from, well, you know what, and by now I'm climbing the bloody walls! If it goes on much longer I'll have to run amok with an axe! Susannah: Just hang on a little while, the 2004 collections aren't far away and my spies in the couture houses tell me it'll be all-change this autumn. Trinny: You mean...? Susannah: Yes, my dear. Praise be to God and Coco Chanel, next season we'll be saying goodbye to primly-artificial sexual frustration and a grateful hello to... | ||
| vii Limacres |
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| viii 10,000 Celerity CD's | 9,997 Portmeirion umbrellas | ||
| ix Nostalgia for Last Week | Girls Aloud? Eee bah goom, you were lucky! In my day theer was nothing to watch all dee long but Big Brother, and we only got to see that if us'd been top on Celebdaq. We'd've killed for Girls Aloud ginna chance. | ||
| x Tasting Notes | This one has a remarkable nose, oozing with strawberry shortcake and parma violets, then really hits the back of the throat with the rich lushness of steak tartare and elderflower before a lingering ketamine and marjoram finish with notes of rutting mink. Well worth 17 points in anyone's book! (Available in limited quantities from Oddbins and selected branches of Homebase.) |
I felt the need to revive Raak's Battenburg look, something which had an unprecendented effect on the number of bifurcations I needed to take. Maybe some of them can be reunified next time. I dunno.
| i Stratford |
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| ii Two Words | Grange Hill | ||||
| iii Oh Yes It Is! | Enter Buttons, played by Jade from Big Brother 3 Buttons: Nar ven kids, we wanna tell yer right, vat pregnancy right is WILL YER JUST SHUT AP FOR A MINUTE pregnancy right is just like fer adolts right so we don't wan any of yer kids getting up the duff right so if yer gonna dip yer wick yer wanna get one of them cordons on right yeah WILL YER STOP BEIN SO BLUMMIN TWO FACED RIGHT yeah so get one of them Dulux cordon thingies from yer B&Q any yer will LEAVE IT AHT ... Voice fades as dragged offstage by Graham Norton | ||||
| iv Butler Did It | The Matrix - Special Effects Overload | ||||
| v Fork Charm 48 | Tottering and Leaden [matt] Yes, you are in a pickle aren't you? [Blob] If you must. | ||||
| vi Douglas Smith | An easy one to start: fring-cha *burp* dip-dip-dip atschoo! | ||||
| vii Reverse Comment to Projoy | [Projoy, re your fridge] Sorry, I lied. For some reason I thought you had the Delux Plus model. Of course, missing that all-important flange, the trick doesn't work on the straight Delux version. Meanwhile, the grace displayed by that move of yours has left me so stupefied I have no option but to drop out of the game. Congratulations! Surely you must be top of the ladder now? | ||||
| viii Baker Street | Hammersmith, denying home. | ||||
| ix Small Earthquake | COOT. A Heat magazine piece on seabird-fancying that one. | ||||
| x Dull anecdotes | Once upon a time I went to the Post Office to purchase four first class stamps. At 27p each the bill came to £1.08. Handing over £1.10 I was surprised to receive what looked like two five pence pieces as change. Before remonstrating, I noticed in fact that they were just shiny one pence pieces. Lucky that I spotted this in time, or else I would have had egg on my face I can tell you. | ||||
| xi Sound Charades | No bloody idea. You know I'm a bad reader, and refuse to see Hollywood flicks on principle. Not that it's a high-minded principle, though. Has more to do with the fact you tend to get more full-frontal no-bolds-harred nudity in the arty pictures. But you have to get something for three quid and two hours of reading Greek subtitles to an Armenien film. That's what I say anyway. | ||||
| xii Inside the mind of a cat | Looks like someone's reading the newspaper. Can't have that, so I'll have to amble along and sit on the bit they're reading. | ||||
| xiii Limacres |
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| xiv Presents penelope wouldn't get for her godchildren | One of those dolls that grows real hair, sheds real tears and leaves real poo in its nappy. | ||||
| xv 10,000 Celerity CD's | 9,996 Welsh tourist attractions (excluding sheep) | ||||
| xvi Just a Minim | What shall we do with a drunken sailor? How should we deal with an inebriated seaman? What's the story with the pissed nautician? Ear-lie in the morning. Hoo-ray and up she rises | ||||
| xvii Nostalgia for Last Week | I look back wistfully on the days where you could go to the cinema, see a film, have a pint and a kebab on the way home and still get change for a tenner. And none of that two-hours-of-advert crap either, just a straight 20 minutes of ads, 10 of trailers. Oh and that quaint tradition of putting the BBFC certificate up at the start of the film. Those were the days. | ||||
| xviii Been to any nonindigenous eateries recently? | Might I start by recommending Cinnamon on the Mancunian Curry Mile? A more interesting set of chutneys than is standard and a pretty good jalfrezi. I would warn that the pardesi rather over-eggs the spinach pudding and that the after-dinner sludge makes a poor substitute for coffee. Regular customers, however, are often rewarded with a dram on the house, and Khal seems like a nice chap. | ||||
| xx Tasting Notes | Mmmm... I'm getting the bouquet of balsa-wood packing case ... I'm getting the texture of athlete's foot ... I'm getting the unmistakable acid overtones of yokel's piss ... I'm getting that unique sensation of earwig poo ... Oh! I seem to be getting a most exquisite food poisoning ... I'm getting hallucinations ... flashing blue lights ... I'm getting the most wonderful release in my stomach ... all for an extremely reasonable £4.99 from Victoria's Bottom. | ||||
| xviii Let Me Check My Oats | Today, my oats are looking very healthy, nay positively radiant. I put this down to two hours' exposure to sunlight each day, yet being kept in an airtight container. |
Some interesting reunifications suggest themselves, but I don't think it'll be my turn again for some time. Let's see what, if anything, everyone else makes of this.
| i Euripedes | King Syze: What cause have I to think of suitors? Do you not know of the dreadful curse That binds each one of us into a terrible Cycle of cruelty and death? My great-great-grandfather, Exter-Lahj be his name, Once insulted the god Apollo, him who pulls the sun Each day across the sky. He thumbed his nose And sacrificed a space-hopper in lieu of a sheep Since that time all has come to naught No crops can be brought to fruition in our earth Nor can the ground be broken with our plowshares Which means I shall have to prove my loyalty to Zeus By amending my great-great-grandfather's foolishness And sacrificing you this afternoon, my child. | ||||||||
| ii Brecht | Enter Angord, a courtier Angord: My lord, the peasants are rising in the bailey. They are threatening to burn down this castle and kill everyone in it, including us. | ||||||||
| iii Pinter | King Syze: Who's Bob the Dog? Peugeot: Er. King Syze: You must be pissed. Peugeot: Bastard. Meediam: 'Ere, whoss your game 'en? Peugeot: ... King Syze: I've seen an advertisement in the paper. Meediam: Yeah, whoss it say? King Syze: Dunno, I can't read. Peugeot: No-one cares about me. I'm going outside. [Exit] King Syze: Where's that geezer got to then? Meediam: Dunno. | ||||||||
| iv Feydeau | King Syze: Or as my wife Sue Per-Syze doth crave for sleepless nights, maybe. You know, I'm sure she's two-timing me behind my back, and if I could only catch her at it... Enter Francoise, the maid Francoise: Your Majesty! There's a witch at the door outside, with a lutenist and 2 courtiers! Quick, we'll have to hide you! Enter Graziela, Lutenist, Boleti and Azulejo Boleti: Wahey, baby! | ||||||||
| v Alan Bennett | Princess Meediam: I used to dream of Custard Creams thirty year ago, back when they were rationing 'em, aye, we used to get t' biscuit coupons off of the old man in number 32. Or it could've been number 30. Any road, our mam always said, don't go nicking Custard Cream coupons, it's common and it's what the poor boys do. Well I were right chuffed to bits I were when this old man Charlie his name wor, he says "Ayup" and I says to him "'Ow 'bout them coupons then?" and 'e takes out his great butcher's knife and skims it across... no that's a different story that is, well I didn't know where to look when he got out his vouchers and ooh I felt like a proper one-day millionaire I did, that's what they used to call us down at the ol' rubbish dump where they was scouring around for mothballs. Peugeot, King Syze: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz | ||||||||
| vi Sheridan | King Syze: Pray, dearest daughter, list awhile to my list, ha ha. Suitable suitors abound in this fair licentious city. We have Sir James Ugly, Lord Ripoff, Mr Samuel Thickasaplank, Captain Bragalot, his nephew Joshua Boringarse, the Fractious brothers, Viscount Fatso, the Duke of Nasty, Mr and Mrs Smalldong's son Ivor, Colonel Shit, Baron Nobrain and Ebenezer Fascist-Dictator. Meediam: Oh no, father, I want somebody young and extravagant, someone like poor John Lovelie. I have lately detected him in frequent conference with your steward Azulejo, whom I recently approached in the aspiration of arrangement of a meeting. It is my belief that when he returns, he shall bring that sweet-tempered gay young libertine in tow, whence I shall spirit him away to my boudoir. Peugeot: gasps | ||||||||
| vii Two Words | Good move | ||||||||
| viii Tennessee Williams | Graziela: That's right, missy. Pregnancy ain't good, and Ah should know, boy Ah remember at the summer ball when the nice-looking woodcutter from Georgia was a-comin' round with his little blond moustache and his big silver watch and he said "Lady, I wanna take you back home for some good old-fashioned... Azulejo: Hey, hey, hold your horses lady. Boleti: We were talking about the sharpest tool in the box. Graziela: Boy howdy, that sure brings back some memories... Prince Charming: Maybe when we get there we can sting your father for a massive dowry as well. Graziela: Ooh yays, jest lak' in tha old days. [Exeunt] | ||||||||
| ix Molière (trans. Neil Bartlett 1988) | Prince Charming: Good lord! is it I who's the one to be accused Of stupidity, and be by my courtiers abused? You all seem to forget I'm from a different rank from you. I'm wondering how I could possibly sink so low. Nevertheless, I'll have you all up in court Except you, Graziela, whom I'm going to court. [Aside] It doesn't look like anyone's realised That I'm just a fake Prince Charming, though idealised! I changed my name by deed poll a while ago Just for the sake of going to the Royal Show! I didn't know I could get in without much hassle By scaling the outer wall at Windsor Castle! And as soon as Graziela takes me for her own, I'll get the King to abdicate the Crown! [Not aside] Come on! I've had my little bit of bragging, So now let's go and slay this terrible dragon! | ||||||||
| x Chekhov | Prince Charming: We are all tools within life's eternal construction. Boleti: As the stars whirl and blaze about us, so we light our own paths before us Azulejo: Until the Eternal Matter transforms us into stones, water and clouds and our souls merge into the pale spirits of the dark Graziela:I can't agree with you at all there. However, it's a matter of taste. De gustibus aut bene, aut nihil. | ||||||||
| xi Oh Yes It Is! | Scene 2. Dragon's cavern. Bones on floor, torches on walls. Dragon wakes up. Dragon: YAWN! [smoke billows from nostrils]. Oof, I'm too young to smoke. | ||||||||
| xii Butler Did It | Anger Management - Money wasted *fume* | ||||||||
| xiii Fork Charm 48 | Millions Wood [rab, matt] How come Blob gets all the comments and no-one even notices I exist?? | ||||||||
| xiv Douglas Smith | Matthew Hopkins' ducking stool breaks, 5 women go in, only 2 are witches? | ||||||||
| xv Reverse Comment to Projoy | [Proj] Dammit, you know my Korean's rusty. Can you translate it please? (PS. the move, worthy of the mighty Gazuga himself, brings a lone tear to my eye as 'twere a glistening raindrop on the pinnacle of human endeavour) | ||||||||
| xvi Baker Street | Covent Garden, home at Baker Street. Has that been done before? | ||||||||
| xvii Small Earthquake | POPE | ||||||||
| xviii Dull anecdotes | That's interesting, because when I went to the Post Office to get my provisional driving licence all those years ago, there was a man standing in front of me wearing a big, thick overcoat and a shifty expression, and I was absolutely 100% sure that as soon as he got to the front, he'd press a button in his pocket and the kilos of semtex under his coat would blow us all to the moon! Well naturally I didn't say anything as I didn't want to appear rude, but as I watched, he slowly undid each button on his coat, as if he was geting hot, which of course he would be, and it was the that I realised... he was just really fat! | ||||||||
| xix Sound Charades | [matt] I didn't post another one as I didn't think I was right with Signs. This one must be based on some fashion house or other... The French Connection? This Is Spinal Gap? Citizen Karan? Shopping and FCUKing? Alexander McQ? Monsoon Wedding? | ||||||||
| xx Inside the mind of a cat | Ooooh! A new garden! Thank goodness I had that liver & onions cat food this morning, I must mark my territory in the most invisible way possible. Nnnnnnn! Phew, eat less fibre in future. And scrape a token bit of grass over it, what a master of disguise I am. | ||||||||
| xxi Limacres |
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| xxii Presents penelope wouldn't get for her godchildren | Annie the miniature porcelain Ant. "Collect the entire anthill!" Just £5.99 each. And don't forget the bonus trading card game. | ||||||||
| xxiii 10,000 Celerity CD's | 9,995 copies of "The Trainspotting Tour of Edinburgh" | ||||||||
| xxiv Just a Minim | I just can't get you out of my head Boy your loving is all I think about My cranium cannot expel you Lad, it's more than I dare to think of La li luh, lo lor lay lee lu, I certainly don't have the ability to extract thou from my skull, Every night, each day, only to be in that place in thine arms | ||||||||
| xxv Nostalgia for Last Week | That moment when Jon and Federico came out of the house within an hour of each other, it was almost impossible to believe that the two housemates who'd been most heavily backed at the start of the series could leave just halfway through. I mean, nothing had happened like that since, I dunno, Sissy left, who I'd had my hopes on getting to Week 9! It was a life-changing moment, a real landmark of televisual history, and anyone who missed it will be kicking themselves in 30 years' time. Mark my words. | ||||||||
| xxvi Been to any nonindigenous eateries recently? | China Red is well worth a look in, except for their penchant for discounted shark-fin soup. Did you know the fishermen hack off the sharks' fins while still alive and then chuck them back into the sea to drown? I mean, if they used their boats to start a shark sightseeing tour industry, they'd make 100 times as much money from the same animals. Which is why I never go to China Red. So the answer is no. | ||||||||
| xxvii Tasting Notes | A nice woody bottom to this Chateau Briand '72, which means it's undoubtedly aged in an old oak cask for 30 years. One that was previously used for storing antifreeze, I think, and Duckham's Hypergrade, the '58 mixture IIRC. It was then tarred on the outside with a coarse badger-hair paintbrush, remnants of which remain in the wine to this day. There's also a more recent hint of Castella Classic, Tixylix and berry pomeroy saliva. I give it 87% and a star for effort. | ||||||||
| xxviii Let Me Check My Oats | My oats have dwindled in number to 25,872, a difference of 30% on last week. This may be owing to the huge number of rats that infested my barn two weeks ago, after an explosion at the uranium factory nearby contaminated their previous living quarters and food supply. Fortunately they're now dropping like flies, so that's good. Now I'm off for more porridge. |
Over to you, matt.
| [1] | i | Meediam: O father, whom a daughter loves and must obey, The fates do face you with a dreadful test! 'Tis bitter indeed to hear your choice, but hold! If by my sacrifice our land were saved, then wouldst I Happily pay Charon's fare and count myself among the dead. But blood is drawn by blood, and will avail you naught Ah woe for our land that drives you to such a crime! Before the gods, how can you think to do this deed? To stain our name with such guilt. Alas! It cannot be! O great Hera, have a pity on your servants! Enter Chorus | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Euripides | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [2] | ii | Peugeot: Right you are, boss. Angord: Music maestro, please, for The Ballad of Obedient Fools! Peugeot: (sings) When he orders me to jump, I say "how high?" Peugeot: At the merest kingly word, I'm off to war Peugeot: Now his highness has decreed I'll face the crowd Peugeot: (speaks) ...and die. Exit Peugeot | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Brecht & Weill | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [3] | iii | King Syze: You invited him. Meediam: Didn't. King Syze: Oh. Long pause I told you not to do that. Enter Peugeot Peugeot: I've come back. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Pinter | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [4] | iv,v | Boleti: I never knew my mother. Meediam: An orphan? How tragic. Boleti: That's why I've always had a thing for older women. Azulejo: Looks like you've come to the right place. Boleti: You're very well preserved, ma'am. A load thud emanates from the cupboard, followed by a muffled cry of pain Graziela: What was that? Exit Francoise, Graziela and Azulejo Meediam: Quick, you two, give me a hand with this cupboard. Meediam, Boleti and the Lutenist pry open the cupboard door Meediam: Oh my god! He's dead! Look, you'll have to cover for him. Hide your lute in the cupboard and put on this crown. Enter Graziela Graziela: The weasels aren't cooperating. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Joe Orton | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [5] | Tom Paulin: It was very interesting, actually. Of course it was full of Orton's snobbery and cheap shock tactics, but what really came th-th-through in this production was an almost Dostoevskian sense of moral intensity, it was about this bankrupt aristocracy, the French Revolution, Bolshevism, you see that in this production, it was the farce of repeated history, really quite unusual. Germaine Greer: Oh come on, Tom, it was just the usual round of penis jokes, and you know I have nothing against penis jokes, the world is much better off when people laughing at the penis than going to war over it, but is this all we have offer in the 21st century? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Late Review | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [6] | vi | King Syze: And what, my courteous courtier, betokens this exclamation of surprise? Peugeot: It is only your daughter's misplaced trust in that rogue Azulejo, a more wanton and deceitful cove than ever else did walk upon the Earth. King Syze: I think, oh brave protector of my daughter's virtue, that our little princess is as full and true a chip off her father's not inconsiderable block as ever could be hoped. She was not raised as easy prey to common scoundrels! Is it not so, Meediam? Can not you beguile the very birds from the trees? Meediam: I should not be so immodest as to say, father. Peugeot: My most abject apologies, my lord. King Syze: I should cocoa. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sheridan | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [7] | vii,xvi | North Greenwich | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Baker's Two | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [8] | viii | Scene 2: Big Daddy's Castle, early evening Enter Belle Belle: Lord, it's hot tonight. Ain't it hot, Sebastian? Noncommittal grunt from offstage It surely is. Didn't I tell you it'd be hot? It's always hot when the dragon's flyin'. Enter Sebastian in a wheelchair Sebastian: I don't want to hear no more about that dragon, woman. How many times do I have to tell you? Belle: There can't never be enough times, Sebastian. Why don't you tell me again? Go on, why don't you? Pause Big Daddy says there's a Prince comin' to slay the dragon, what do you say to that, Sebastian? Graziela's found herself a fine young gentleman and he's comin' to slay the dragon. Name of Charming, Big Daddy said. Didn't you used to know a Prince Charming, Sebastian? Pause Sure is hot tonight. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tennessee Williams | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [9] | ix | Enter Bette Bourne covered in silver lamé scales. Pause to regard audience. Bette: If you think I've got terrible drag on, just wait till you see Regina Fong. Prince Charming: The dragon! It is here! Bette: That's drag queen darling, drag queen. Takes off shoes That's better. You might not believe it to look at me, but I am no longer young. Stops & looks Prince Charming up and down Love the doublet and hose. Prince Charming: I'm tasked to rid the land of you, foul beast Bette: Foul beast? Oh, that's charming, that is! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Neil Bartlett (after Molière) (long, long after) | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [10] | x,xxviii | Azulejo: It is the same thing. We are but chaff in the wind, or oats to a horse. Graziela: Oats? I fail to see how oats come into it. Boleti: Are you fond of oats? Graziela: I have no strong feelings about them one way or another. Azulejo: Oats are the very foundation of our lives here. We could not pass a day without them. We are devoted to them and talk of nothing else. Graziela: Oh how I wish I were back in Moscow, where one could live from one year to the next without ever having to hear the word "oats," let alone eat them. Azulejo: Not eat oats? What sort of a place could that be? What would you do there, with no oats for company? Graziela: It doesn't matter. I am here now. It doesn't matter. Boleti: More porridge, Graziela? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Let Me Chekhov My Oats | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [11] | xi | Enter Mrs Dragon, with a broom Mrs Dragon: Come on Sid, rouse yerself. Look at the state of this place! Enter Prince Charming Prince Charming: It is the manly odour of a handsome prince come to rid this land of your evil! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Oh Yes It Is! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [12] | xii | Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - Older and Fatter | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Butler Did It | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [13] | xiii,xv | [Blob] Well you took your sweet time about it, but gosh, wasn't it worth the wait! I doubt we shall see its like again in our lifetimes, but once should be enough for anyone. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Reverse Comment to Blob | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [14] | xiv | [Martha] Uncanny! d-d-d-d-d-d-d-DONG! tick tick tick SQUELCH! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Douglas Smith | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [15] | xvii | NOT | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Small Earthquake | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [16] | xviii,xxvi,xxvii | So we were at the Tokyo Diner and I don't know about you, but I always have pretty much the same thing whenever I go there, but this time, I don't know what came over me, but I just decided to be really radical and try something new. Of course I didn't want to risk my dinner over some wild experiment, so I stuck with the same food as usual, but for a change I ordered a hot sake to go with it! But I didn't like it much, I mean it was OK I suppose, but it tasted sort of stale and dusty, sort of like a vodka and tonic that had been left out for a few days to go flat, and on reflection I don't think I'll be ordering it again. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Dull Nonindigenous Tasting Notes | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [17] | xix | [Martha] Despite barking up completely the wrong tree, one of those was actually quite close :) | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sound Charades | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [18] | xx,xxv | Wasn't life so much better when there was string all over the living room floor and I had that dead bird to play with as well? They just don't make 'em like that any more. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Feline nostalgia for last week | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [19] | xxi |
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Limacres | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [20] | xxii,xxiii | 9,994 Survivalist Barbies | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 10,000 Presents penelope wouldn't get for her godchildren | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [21] | xxiv | You've got your mother in a whirl She's not sure if you're a boy or a girl Hey babe, your hair's alright Excuse me, youngster, let's go out tonight You like me and I am well disposed to it all Rebel Dissident, you've torn your dress You've ripped your frock, your visage is untidy So what you wish to acquire knowledge of | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Just a Minim | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Now I need a drink!
You realise that you've pretty much put this game out of my reach as the amount I know about theatre could be written on the back of a fag packet and there'd still be some space left for a full proof of Fermat's Last Theorem. However, I will try and think of a way out. In the meantime, would Blob or Projoy (or indeed anyone else) like to enter the fray?
[rab] <mode="whining">He started it!</mode> Anyway, as you said yourself only a few weeks ago: "That's what strategic passing/fudging manouevres are for." I admit that it gets a bit tricky when there are so many of the things, though. As for the kitty game, I guess I'm just not a cat person. Plus I kept having nightmare flashes of what happened with the puppy game in Acre Street :) But there's no reason why you can't refurcate it again next go...
[rab] Reunifying could be quite fun. I'd quite like to see what Survivalist Barbie would do to Joe Orton, or how a Mandalayan fishmonger might take on a henpecked dragon or two :)
Now, as pointed out I couldn't do the theatre thing, so I decided that musical interludes all round might be a good idea. Although a much less original idea when I noted the introduction of Herr Weill into matt's last effort... and for some reason there's a bit of a teutonic feel to the following. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present:
| A: A Euripidean Interlude performed by The Thomas Morley Minstrels A finest blend of furcations 1 and 2 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Minstrels: It is that time of the play, We fear that Meediam will rebel,
Did you know about Syze' mother? Bow, exeunt | ||||
| B: Spanklines The beginning of an intercourse in which new punchlines are UHUed onto old jokes | ||||
| What's funny about a pair of legs? | ||||
| C: A Pinterian Interlude performed by Arnold Schönberg's Merry Men A finest blend of furcations 3 and 2 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| A consort comprising piccolo, tuba, triangle and counter-tenor enter the stage. After tuning up the music begins, though it's hard to tell. Countertenor (Twelve-tone Sprechgesang) Der Peugeot ist nicht wilkommen hier, Du! Langeweile! Warum jägst du mich?
| ||||
| D: Carpe Diem The beginning of an intercourse in which foreign tongues are unravelled | ||||
| Credibile est, quia ineptum est | ||||
| E: An Ortonesque Interlude performed by The Cure A finest blend of furcations 4 and 2 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Enter five middle-aged men wearing big hair and lipstick Twelve-minute intro Do-do do-do do-do di-do-do "Why can't we ever be alone" she said "Why can't we ever be alone" she said Do-do do-do do-do di-do-do "But now I know it's all gone" she said You know I want you back, Exit on unresolved dominant seventh | ||||
| F: Last week's nostalgic review of a late feline A finest blend of furcations 5 and 18 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Tiddles, daughter of Tigger and Fluff, after a long period fighting the Asian Flea Virus has, at the age of 9, passed away. Best known in the local Tom community as 'The one from No. 6 who lets you do it moggy-style' Tiddles was much loved for her semi-permanent occupation of the bird table at No. 12. After several years waiting for a bird to land, no-one had the heart to tell Tiddles that the presence of a large ginger mog is sufficient to scare our feathered dinners to pastures far away. Tiddles will be fondly remembered for waking up her owner at three o'clock every night for an urgent appointment at the rear cat-flap. No one will ever know why. Nevertheless she will be sorely missed and may she rest in peace. | ||||
| G: A Sheridanish Interlude performed by Björk A finest blend of furcations 6 and 2 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Short pause whilst the stage is reset to accomodate a full string orchestra, 13 harps, a Gamelan ensemble and a rack of keyboards, samplers and other technical wizardry. I know a lovely place, I know a lovely place, I know a lovely place, I know a lovely place, The one who's so far away... | ||||
| H: Baker's Two A continuation of furcation 7 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Hammersmith, reversing. | ||||
| I: A break from Tenessee Williams written, arranged, performed, produced, remixed and mastered by The Artist Formerly Known as The Symbol Used To Represent The Artist Formerly Known as Prince A finest blend of furcations 8 and 2 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| The Purple One: I'm so horny, Eye no everyone wanna funk me! The New Power Generation: He's so horny, we all just wanna funk him! Purple: Yeah! Everyone in this funking house, get down on the floor an' funk me! NPG: We're down on floor, we all just wanna funk U! Several hand claps, super-funk guitar riffs and 'Oh yeah!'s later... NPG: C'mon horny pony! Get on the mike! Nevertheless TAFKATSUTRTAFKAP ascends to the "mike" Purple: Yeah I'm the funkiest funker in this town, Music slows, and the Purple one adopts a falsetto My love for God! Continues 4ever | ||||
| J: 101 Uses for a Black and Decker Workmate The beginning of an intercourse designed to relieve the drudgery of doing it yourself | ||||
| FUNCTION THE FIRST: A holder for giants' toothbrushes | ||||
| K: A Neil Bartlettian Interlude performed by Yello A finest blend of furcations 9 and 2 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Insistent Latin-style percussion Implausibly low voice spoken through a reverb that goes up to eleven: Horns Implausibly low voice, sans reverb: Female vox sample: D...d...d...d...d...d... dragon's dead! Dead! Implausibly low voice, sans reverb: Guitar solo (overdrive) Female vox sample: D...d...d...d...d...d... dragon's dead! Dead! Horns Sampled radio excerpt - American female newscaster: Horns Female vox sample: D...d...d...d...d...d... dragon's dead! Dead! Music stops suddenly Implausibly low voice: Carumba! | ||||
| L: Straight face The beginning of an intercourse in which partners' giggles are sought | ||||
| Pork ... Sword | ||||
| M: Let me check Fran's shoe, Bert. A perversion of furcations 10 and 2 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Slow, sombre piano chords. Enter baritone. Still ist es hier! Ich brauche meinen Diener Wo fangen wir an? Dramatische Pause Ich weiss genau! Noch 'ne In dem Schuh der Frau Du hast schon den Begriff, oder? | ||||
| N: Cartier Bracelet The beginning of an intercourse into which branded products are inserted | ||||
| Nicola took a brief respite from contemplating whether the ceiling needed Artexing, and started to slide her left hand inside the waistband of Steve's Calvin Klein trunks. "I'd love to darling" panted Steve, but a quick glance at his Rolex revealed that he should have left the house several minutes ago. "But you said..." objected Nicola, although she knew that she was perhaps a little to blame by opening a second bottle of Hardy's Stamp of Australia, as the label adhered to the vessel by the bed reminded her. "You know that if I miss the Arriva Northern service, I'll be late for the Cadbury's meeting." "Hmmm... I'm beginning to wonder if that isn't actually a front for ... | ||||
| O: Oh Yes It Is the arrival of The KLF A finest blend of furcations 11 and 2 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Offstage pipes and drums Prince Charming: What in the bloody blazes of Cornish Dairy Milk Ice Cream is that? Enter the KLF accompanied by full highland marching band MU MU! MU MU! FX: Machine guns and sampled crowd noise MU MU! MU MU! Now beautiful princess we wouldn't mislay yer, (MC) To the chorus, to the chorus, to the chorus, yo! MU MU! MU MU! Though the dragon here is the spawn of evil, (MC) To the bridge, to the bridge, to the bridge, yo! Whilst Prince Charming runs to the bridge (I know) to slay the dragon, the band breaks into a rendition of Sheep May Safely Graze for no reason that anyone can think of. (MC) Bring the beat back! BE-ELZ-E-BUB! BE-ELZ-E-BUB! So Charming Prince if you want yer lady, (MC) To the chorus, to the chorus, to the chorus, yo! MU MU! MU MU! Repeat to fade | ||||
| P: Stap me vitals! It's Vanilla Mornington Crescent The beginning of a contest whose rules can be purchased from all good bookstores | ||||
| Opening at Moorgate, home at Leicester Square. | ||||
| Q: Tasteless Butler Did It A disturbing alliance of elements taken from furcations 12 and 16 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Irrevérsible - arse the up | ||||
| R: Bollocks! The beginning of an intercourse in which participants strive to be noisier than the last | ||||
| Bollocks | ||||
| S: 10,000 Reverse Comments penelope wouldn't make to Blob A finest blend of furcations 13 and 20 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| [Blob] 9,993 I've got an important guest coming to dinner tonight, and I thought it might be appropriate to have some fluffy decorations about the place. Do you think your daughter, a bag of cotton wool and some glitter glue suitably combined might help sort me out? | ||||
| T: Stupid Questions The beginning of an intercourse in which asking for the rules would be a valid manouevre | ||||
| What is an occasional table the rest of the time? | ||||
| U: I, Douglas Smith, Will Be Playing... A continuation of furcation 7 of the previous incarnation -- well, you try doing something else with it | ||||
| It's the ACME once-a-day automatic trifle dispenser. | ||||
| V: The Jet Set Willy Game The beginning of an intercourse which revisits the warped creation of a Mr Matthew Smith | ||||
| The Nightmare Room, denying Quirkafleeg | ||||
| W: Small Earthquakers The ill-advised combination of furcations 15 and 19 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| ||||
| X: Dull Nonindigenous Sound Charades The inevitable marriage of the remains of furcations 16 and 17 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| What I said last time pretty much stands, so I shall provide a little light relief as matt and Martha sort things out between themselves. Multimedia parody - four words
| ||||
| Y: Dee Twinty-Sivin in the Big Bruther Hoose The beginning of an intercourse which parodies the only spectator sport more slow-moving than this one | ||||
Dee twinty-sivin, and the hoosemeets huv been sittin in the garden for siventyfoor ooahs
| ||||
| Z: Just a Minim A continution of furcation 21 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| London's burning! The smoke's smoking! Fire! Flames! Blaze! Conflagration! Fetch the engines! Call the tenders! Pour on water! Dowse with liquid! Capital's enkindled! City's searing! *deep breath* The conurbation that lies on the Thames is engulfed in bright flashy things! *collapses* | ||||
| [1] | The message clearly refers to the number of jammy badgers that need to be slapped in the faces of the Persians to evade the oncoming war | King Syze: Alas, my daughter, fair as the moonlit sky Radiant as Aurora's daylight breath, You think I haven't tried to plead for clemency? My servant, Standates, will soon return With the words of the Delphic Oracle herself, The vessel of Apollo in this world The one who lured King Croesus to his doom And chose the great Themistocles to be Her reader, and the saviour of Athens. Enter Standates, and Massiva Syze, the king's mother
The words of the gracious Oracle. Nine months Have I carried this treasure from Parnassus To now conclude my journey with this step. The actions of wise men outweigh the words Of but a single prophet. If the news Were not the kind you want, then would you kill Your only daughter for a scrap of reeds? I offer half my fortune, that you might Destroy the accursed box and keep your wits As well, your regal reputation true. King Syze: You thus compel me to open the box. [Does so, with a bit of ceremony, courtiers staning with bated breath] And if we follow our instincts, then we all Will find ourselves devoured by the Fates. We must conserve our best supplies, like you, [Meediam] To ward off evil spirits. This clue could quite outsphinx the Theban Sphinx Let's hope and pray that someone can explain Its mystery before the day is out Enter (who else?) Graziela, Boleti, Azulejo, Lutenist | |||||||||
| Euripides | |||||||||||
| [2] | Spank My Jammy Badger never caught on properly on the West Coast, as the badgers grabbed the table tennis bats and waked across the snow on them instead | Watching a spider do its Fly impression. Doctor! I feel like a deck of cards! | |||||||||
| Spanklines | |||||||||||
| [3] | It was a jammy badger that originated the tradition of long pauses in Pinter's plays. It was only when Harold started slapping them that they could be made to shut up, you see | King Syze: Piss off! Sie müssen jetzt hören, was wir wissen. Seit wir in unserem eigenen Land sind. Doch, werden wir überprüfen, Fran's Schuh, Bert Enter Graziela and... oh, let's say... Barry | |||||||||
| Pinter | |||||||||||
| [4] | So many people were buying jam in the summer of 1981 that there were virtually no badgers left to slap by the time they all left. Which is why shops could afford to give credit eventually | We only give credit to idiots. Numquid tunc hoc dominum politicum | |||||||||
| Carpe Diem | |||||||||||
| [5] | "What The Jammy Badger Saw", an early draft of a better-known play (called "Loot") examined the psychology of the badger after sticking it through the hole in a doughnut and slapping it with jam. Oddly enough, the badger became rather docile and, indeed, attractive, as the experiment took its toll on the psychologists | Enter Prince Minuscule, who is huge Enter Lutenist, now dressed as King | |||||||||
| Joe Orton | |||||||||||
| [6] | Had they studied the bereavement notice below, "Brocky, the beloved pet of retired jam-slapper Ivor Perversion, went the way of the trilobite last night," it might have been a quite different story. And Scorsese bought the rights immediately | | |||||||||
| Late Nostalgic Review of "Last week's nostalgic review of a late feline" | |||||||||||
| [7] | Poor John Lovelie is so named because of recently being mistaked for a jammy badger and slapped to within an inch of his front doorway | Short pause while the stage is divested of its musical paraphernalia King Syze: Egad, daughter! This is no lovely place! We affect creditors and duns night and day, the Israelites beat at our honest Gentile gates as though the hordes of Assyria were baying at their feet. My stars, it's money we require and it's money we shall have, if the suits of Lord Angerman and Count Spondulicks can be secured. Now, repair to your chambers and select a silken robe with which to ensnare one of these upstanding young social pillars. Enter Lady Thick | |||||||||
| Sheridan | |||||||||||
| [8] | Jammy Badgerslapping | Covent Garden | |||||||||
| Baker's Two | |||||||||||
| [9] | [Deleted verse from the DVD] "Eye wanna funk this jammy badger o' mine/I'll slap it with mah cricket bat so fine/No m**********r's gonna slap him 'fore I'm done/I'll slap im till he's got only one lung" | Sebastian: I cain't stan' any more o'this! Sebastian pulls a shotgun and shoots TAFKATSUTRTAFKAP stone dead. Cheers from Audience Belle: Oh Brother Man what'd you do thayat fower? Man I heard 'im sayin' he was the Prince! An' now we ain't got no fella to come dragon slayin' over New Years'. Man you is so inconsiderate sometimes. Belle moves to TAFKATSUTRTAFKAP and strokes his head Enter Graziela, who immediately starts attacking Belle Enter Prince Charming | |||||||||
Tennessee Williams | |||||||||||
| [10] | Slide in a bunch of badgers by their necks, stretch them properly, coat them liberally with a paintbrush of jam, push two halves of workmate together and... | FUNCTION THE SECOND: A portable "=" sign for signalling maths problems to low-flying aircraft | |||||||||
| 101 Uses for a Black & Decker Workmate | |||||||||||
| [11] | The French originally took to badger-slapping as a way of getting thier livers to burst out through the top of their heads. This was then deep-fried with liberal amounts of jam in order to make a piquant sauce for duckling [Escoffier, II, pp.97-9] | Scene 3: Police Station. Prince Charming is behind bars and being interrogated Constable Gerard: According to your statement (let me see), I've never come to terms with this, and hope That you'll understand my plea as misanthrope. Besides, in fact he took me by surprise and Hit me with a showstopper by Streisand (And some other fellow I'd never heard of before called Yello) And if that's not enough, my clothing should evince My highfalutin status as a Prince! Whether or not you're the real Prince Charming. There's only room for one "PC" round here And not the one with bad behaviour! Enter Boleti But you'll have to help me win your sister, Meediam! I have the bail you need to be released Despite your murder of Miss Bourne the Beast Should go the way of poor old Mister Bette! But no, I'll let him bail me out of this mess Then maybe I'll get to meet the Princess! [Not aside] Gerard! This man's prepared to put up bail To spring me out of your disgusting jail! Boleti: And now we'll go and meet your sister! | |||||||||
| Moliere (in the ubiquitous Neil Bartlett translation) | |||||||||||
| [12] | Badgers can't help laughing when slapped with jam. Try it now | Titter ... Smirk | |||||||||
| Straight Face | |||||||||||
| [13] | Bert actually absconded to get away from his girlfriend. In all other respects she was quite normal, but whenever they were in bed together, at the crucial moment she tended to cry out the immortal phrase.... | [Exit baritone] But answer came there none Enter mysterious stranger with one shoe
| |||||||||
| The Oats/Chekhov Interface | |||||||||||
| [14] | Try slapping a badger with a jam-filled Cartier bracelet. Or else | ...your covert activities against the Nestlé corporation, your ongoing campaign to rid the world of the horrors of Nescafé, Milky Bar, KitKat, Smash, Smarties..." Steve put a Nailwell-manicured finger over Nicola's exquisitely Revlonned lips. "Hush now, Bulgari," he whispered, sending a thrill through Nicola's entire Lipo-LovelyTM torso as he used her favourite pet name. "Just ring your friends, Dorothy Perkins, Miss Selfridge, Ann Summers, St. Michael, Sue Ryder..." "Maybe not her." "Okay, just play with this Fort Knox gold bullion till I get back. My, you look truly Brillo-pad today. Your eyes like Swarovski crystal, those teeth like..." "Colgate, particularly. Bring me back something really special. Something like... like..." | |||||||||
| Cartier Bracelet | |||||||||||
| [15] | Princess Laguna is in fact played by a jammy badger. Not quite a celebrity in her own right, but after winning the lead in the new Scorsese production, just watch this space. (Needless to say, she's a bit of a slapper) | Mrs Dragon: Oi! Your band! Dragon: Yes, I'm fast and she's hideous. Shouts and screams offstage of "Help, Help! Save Me! Someone, Please!" Prince Charming: Oh what was that? Enter Princess Laguna, blonde and ravishing, possibly played by celeb of your choosing
| |||||||||
| Oh Yes It Is! | |||||||||||
| [16] | I hope someone starts Jammy Badger-flavour MC next move. I'll slap em all round the court | Hmm, you've got me. I *farkle* but reserving home at Russell Square | |||||||||
| Vanilla MC | |||||||||||
| [17] | The Magnificent Seven - slap jammy badgers | Se7en - Paltrow gives head | |||||||||
| Tasteless Butler Did It | |||||||||||
| [18] | But not quite as much as the game of Slap My Jammy Badger |  | |||||||||
| Bollocks | |||||||||||
| [19] | I have two badgers right here with me. I've called them Penelope and Blob. One of them has just slapped the other with jam. It's all happening today on Big Badger! | 9,994 I yearn for you madly, your firm, manly arms, your flowing chestnut hair, I want you to take me and hold me close for all eternity as I burn in the fire of your passion, as I melt into a glow of unbridled scintillating love. | |||||||||
| 10,000 comments Pen wouldn't make to Blob | |||||||||||
| [20] | What is a jammy badger and why should it be slapped so much? | If someone with a multiple personality disorder threatens suicide, is it a hostage situation? | |||||||||
| Stupid Questions | |||||||||||
| [21] | How about *splut* Oooh! Mkk mmk mmkkkk! | No, no, this is clearly an outtake from David V. Goliath - The Rematch, a fair fight set in a boxing ring. *click* kwarkwarkwarbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Zhoomph WHAM! Zhoomph WHAM! Zhoomph WHAM! | |||||||||
| Douglas Smith | |||||||||||
| [22] | Unlike Jam Splat Wally, where a Monty Mole-type clone goes round picking up jamjars without getting splatted by the pneumatic pistons | I'll open at Macaroni Ted, with a podume on the Spacecraft from Zzoom! | |||||||||
| Jet Set Willy | |||||||||||
| [23] | Obviously the Pope is an inveterate badger-slapper, and lives only on Jam up in Castel Gandolfo with his three little stoats |
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| Small HYPEarthquakers | |||||||||||
| [24] | Clue: It's not "Slap My Jammy Badger!" | [matt] The Return Of Fucking = The Return Of The King? And, similarly... [rab] Bored Of The Rings? God knows I've had enough time to think about them. Anyway, moving swiftly on... Aerial shot of a Flash Crowd: Film, 4 words | |||||||||
| Sound Charades | |||||||||||
| [25] | David Blaine is currently thinking "Oh, how many jammy badgers I'm going to slap when I get out of this stupid box!" Many students have taken to slapping jammy badgers on the box and trying to mke them stick, just to tantalise him | | |||||||||
| Dee Twinty-Sivin As The Fly Trapped In David Blaine's Box | |||||||||||
| [26] | Richard Gere once played King Caractacus. Backstage, after the orgy scene, he remained so in character that he obtained a badger, lubricated it with jam, and slapped it up his... [Snip! Ed.] | Now, the ladies of the harem of the court of King Caractacus Were just passing by (All together at this point!) The current moment, the women of the seraglio of the palace of the aforementioned ruler Came past a short time ago The instant here, the females of the love nest of the hall of that monarch Went thataway slightly previously, At present, the girls of the knocking-shop of the throne-room of the previously-named regal man Recently travelled alongside the viewer The immediate second, the fascinating witches who put the scintillating stitches in the britches of the boys who laid the powder on the noses of the faces of the birds of the brothel of the grotto of said kingly bloke So if you want to take some pictures of the engaging enchantresses who've lain the entrancing thin strings in the kecks of the masculine children who ladled PCP on the conks of the dames of Priapus's paradise of the natural abode of the country's trusted advisors of the number-one-big-fella whose identity was revealed by me, you're TOO LATE! | |||||||||
| Just A Minim | |||||||||||
| [27] | Slap My Jammy Badger! | Jammy Badger-Slapping was the breakout sport in this year's World Championship games, so I felt it was worthwhile publicising it in this forum too | |||||||||
| Celebrity Commentary | |||||||||||
Oh. Bugger. Does that make it my turn?
1) I have staunchly opposed Acre Street whenever it has sprung up
2) I have never played Stratford-upon-Crescent
3) I know very little of plays beyond GCSE Shakespeare
4) I love Just A Minim
So, cringe and expect the worst. Tactically refurcating each of the dramatic strands with another furcation will reduce the number of furcations, as I expect one of the two things shoehorned together will win out soon enough. It's like Darwin.
Now read on:
| A: The chassis of a Euripidean drama crudely welded to the back end of Just A Minim From previous furcations 1 & 26 | ||||||||
| Lutenist: Sirrah, the hour of birthday bash is now Wouldst thou like to hear a cheery song, perchance? Here be a song to sooth thy worried brow So come and with our weasel comp'ny dance! space(strums and sings) Look for the bare necessities The simple stripped-down vitals Forget about your worries and your strife I mean the plain essentials Are Mother Nature's recipes That bring the basic requirements of life Seek out the essential needs The uncomplicated minimum obligations Think not of your anxieties and apprehension I'm trying to convey the unembellished fundamentals That's why a bear can rest at ease With just the straightforward musts of being Now when you pick a pawpaw Or a prickly pear And you prick a raw paw Well, next time, beware Don't pick the spiky apple-like edible By the palm area At the time you pluck out an elongated green fruit Try to use the claw But you don't need to utilise the talon When you harvest a pair of the big tropical delicacy mentioned in the first line of this verse Search after the ursine things you can't live without The unadorned grizzly's indispensables Cast from your mind thine trials and tribulations I am implying the merest crucial things Which is why a teddy could rest at leisure Using merely Pooh's imperative concepts of this mortal coil Getting by only on Paddington's important ideologies of living! space(collapses) space(dancers continue as King Syze goes over to Lutenist) King Syze: You know of bears and weasels, it is plain My trouble's with sardines; could you explain? Lutenist: Dunno, ask Graziela. (keels over again) King Syze: Were that the name of Graziel' I hear? And that then would confirm my greatest fear? My swornèd enemy is truly here? space(dancers stop. Graziela steps forward) | ||||||||
| B: The bare necessities of a game of Spanklines From previous furcation 2 | ||||||||
| Don't shout, or everyone'll want one. How do you start a teddy bear race? | ||||||||
| C: Dee Twenty-Sivin as the fly trapped in a Pinterian Drama From previous furcations 3 & 25 | ||||||||
| Friday: I'm well travelled now. Been in that house full of BB-bastards, and that box with the log in it, and now I'm in this big Medieval thing. Funny, the bastards here speak just like the first band of bastards. Like, today, this happened: Graziela: Ah, there he is! King Syze: Who? And who're you? Graziela: (ignoring him) My pet bear. How he got under a cabinet here I dunno. Peugeot: A bear!? Bloody hell! King Syze: Ah piss, the great hairy bugger's coming out from under the cabinet! And when the log with the shiny top on it said that, this great hairy groaning thing, like the logs but much bigger, suddenly jumped up. It chased all the logs around the room! F*ck me it was funny. space(buzzes off as scene ends)
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| D: Carpe Diem, bartender, and hold the bears From previous furcation 4 | ||||||||
| With enough money, any tonker can become a domineering politican. Falls Sie Schmuck tragen, sollten Sie diesen während der Fahrt verdecken. | ||||||||
| E: Joe Orton's take on a classical drama. Enter the tasteless butler... From previous furcations 5 & 17 | ||||||||
| Act One, Scene Three Another room in Castle Drogo, the next morning. (enter the tasteless butler, in conversation with Azulejo) Ozzy Osbourne (for it is he) : Look, mate, I saw it through a hole in the f___in wall! The f___in lute fella gave Francoise a proper f___in f___in. He put one of his hands in her f___in- Azulejo: Whoa, steady on! Ozzy Osbourne: Well f___ me, I though you'd be f___in interested! I mean, this actually f___in happened, not like that lilac fire-breathing f___in grizzly bear I saw running round the place last Thursday. (enter Graziela) Graziela: Azulejo! Get away from that tasteless butler! Come hither, we have plots to scheme and schemes to plot. (exit Azulejo and Graziela) Ozzy Osbourne: Well, I know when I'm not f___in wanted. space(turns, flinches) F___ me! It's that f___in bear again! space(exit, chased by thin air) | ||||||||
| F: Late Review nostalgically looks back on what a late cat thought of 10,000 reverse comments pen wouldn't make to Blob From previous furcations 6 & 19 | ||||||||
| Mark Lawson: Tonight on Late Review, we nostaligcally look back on what a late cat though of 10,000 reverse comments penelope wouldn't make to Blob. Tom Paulin, your view? Tom Paulin: Well, Mark, frankly I totally agreed with Tiddles' thoughts on this one. I have no criticisms to make at all, in fact. Mark Lawson: How do you defend such a non-controversial stand-point? Tom Paulin: Well, you did just wake me up. Mark Lawson: O, K, then, Germaine Greer? Germaine Greer: Weell I find this all just impossible to believe! The idea that this character penelope (she pronounces it to rhyme with 'antelope') would never say these things to Blob is negated by the fact that these statements have been aired where penelope can clearly read them, and so she is far more likely to say them! And frankly the whole business of reversals and the ridiculous cat motif just make it even less credible! (pause) Mark Lawson: So- Germaine Greer: (interrupting) Frankly it all just reeks of the male chauvinism so typical of today's society! (pause) Mark Lawson: So? Germaine Greer: No, I've finished now. Do your bit. Mark Lawson: Don't boss me about, I'm the presenter! Pedro, get her! (exit Germaine Greer, chased by a bear) Mark Lawson: No-one messes with Mark "The Hard Man" Lawson. (credits roll) | ||||||||
| G: The noble sound charades of Sheridan From previous furcations 7 & 24 | ||||||||
| (three hours later) Peugeot: (yawns) Lady Thick: A Miriam (sic.) of confounditudes upon your tardy servants! Zounds, a pair of hours ago did I expectorate them. King Syze: Peugeot, fool, will you not disport ourselves with some diverse divertion? Peugeot: My liege, picture in your imaginings a noble knight, who upon his shield bears the legend 'Film: 2 words' King Syze: (to Lady Thick) My lady you shall find this ostracizes your ennui. 'Tis my favourite game of 'Sound Charades'. Peugeot: Now imagine a couple, promenading. Their names are Alpheus and Serena. Now see Alpheus' friend Benedict as he comes over to them. They speak as follows: Benedict: Ah, so this is the lady who ensnared you in marriage, Alf? This is 'her'? Alpheus: Ah, yes. Let me introduce you: 'her', Ben ... (pauses) Lady Thick: Yes, yes, continue... Peugeot: Nay, now you should know the answer. (awkward silence; enter a bedraggled Boleti, chased by a bear) | ||||||||
| H: Baker's Two From previous furcation 8 - though as a late starter, this move is forced, and even an unintelligent stuffed bear would know what's coming next move now... | ||||||||
| Hammersmith, buggeration. | ||||||||
| I: Tennessee "Bollocks!" Williams From previous furcations 9 & 18 | ||||||||
| Graziela: Look what you gone done now, missy. Belle: Bollocks! I ain't done nothin'! Anyhow, he's mine faw the doin'! Graziela: Bollocks! He's mine! Belle: Bollocks! He's mine! Graziela: Bollocks! Belle: Bollocks! space(they continue shouting 'Bollocks!' louder and louder, until:) space(enter Azulejo) Azulejo: BOLLOCKS! (silences women) Graziela, ma'am - bayd noos. Prince Charming darn well ran into a grizzly bear, an' well, an' - it made faw him an' tore off his... All: ... Bollocks? Azulejo: You could say that. | ||||||||
| J: 101 Uses for a Black and Decker Workmate From previous furcation 10 | ||||||||
| FUNCTION THE THIRD: Bear trap. Disguised as a picnic basket (to attract the bears, obviously), wait in the middle of Yellowstone Park until one comes along. As it does, close the 2 halves of the Workmate as it puts its foot between them, thus trapping it. For best effects, use in conjunction with Black and Decker Deluxe Plus toolkit - the secret website address on the underside of the lid gives details of how all the tools (even including gruesome uses for the Allen keys) double up as bear-torturing devices! | ||||||||
| K: The playwrightship of Molière (Celebrity Commentary c/o Neil Bartlett) From previous furcations 11 & 27 | ||||||||
| Act One, Scene Four Princess Meediam sits alone in Castle de Plitploth, reading aloud from OK! magazine or somesuch. Meediam: "Prince Charming, bro of Meediam," (that's me) "Has been released from police custody Though for murdering Bette he was locked in jail It seems his manservant has stumped up bail Nigel Boleti, valet, 32 Was not available for interview The rumours say he's gone the way of Bette That Charming is a double murd'rer, yet This would seem unlikely, had he not been banned From his own castle, and thus fled the land Where he was born. Apparently he were Seen riding o'er the borders on a bear." Oh, brother, it would be dramatic if You came back here, though banished, for a tiff. space(enter Prince Charming and Boleti) Well, whaddaya know! | ||||||||
| L: Straight face From previous furcation 12 | ||||||||
| Bear ... Arsed | ||||||||
| M: What is the true meaning of the Let Me Chekhov My Oats Interface? From previous furcations 13 & 20 | ||||||||
| Graziela: (to the mysterious stranger, Bert)Are you Bert? Bert: I don't know. Are you Bert? All: Nope. Bert: Then by process of elimination, I am Bert. Similarly, I fancy a steaming bowl of porridge. space(exit Boleti, to get porridge) Azulejo: Why are you wearing one shoe? Bert: Why are you wearing two? Azulejo: To warm my feet! Bert: Why, that's the reason I wear mine! Graziela: Why have you one foot uncovered? Bert: So as not to trample oats. If an oat burns in a field where no-one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? space(enter Boleti) Boleti: My lords and ladies, through the kitchen window I saw every last field of oats aflame! Bert: Were a bear to run through a flaming field of oats fast enough, could it remain unsinged? Gadzooks! What is that? space(exit Bert, chased by a bear) Boleti: Would porridge extinguish a flaming field of oats? Prince Charming: It is our last hope... | ||||||||
| N: MC, Vanilla From previous furcation 16 | ||||||||
| Home at Goodge Street, of course, but after that farkle, I'll avoid a Great Bear Shift and play Chalfont & Latimer | ||||||||
| O: The eternal panto season we know as 'Oh Yes It Is!' continues - featuring Douglas Smith wearing a Cartier bracelet From previous furcations 14 & 15 & 21 | ||||||||
| Douglas Smith: I, Douglas Smith, dressed up in 'comedy damsel' style, with pink Prada party frock and blonde wig carelessly bodged together from a B&Q mop. I stride forward confidently in my bright pink Hush Puppies (stride, stride, stride), my Slazenger tennis ball breasts humorously bobbing up and down (yoingg, yoingg, boungg). Prince Charming: New balls please? I couldn't lever a joke in here even with a Black and Decker Workmate attachment. Douglas Smith: I deliver, by UPS, my line: 'Save me, for I have run out of Wrigley's Orbit chewing gum! I long for its seven spearmint strips with xylitol for healthier teeth! Help. Someone help! Then I laugh coquettishly, proving I am as thick as a Tesco's Strawberry milkshake: tee hee, tee hee, ho. Ha. Prince Charming: I've heard more convincing laughs from this audience tonight! Hang on! (raises hand over eyes) If I'd had my Oakley's on I would've seen it sooner! A shape on the horizon! Douglas Smith: My, it is a funny shape! Titter! space(enter angry bear, stage left. It snarls at Douglas Smith) Douglas Smith: Eek. Eek, aargh. Help. space(exit Douglas Smith, chased by a bear) | ||||||||
| P: Seen any good films recently? The fag ends of previous furcation 17 | ||||||||
| Bought The Matrix: Reloaded on DVD yesterday. Haven't watched it yet, but it seemed pretty darn good when I saw it at the cinema in May. | ||||||||
| Q: Jet Set Willy From previous furcation 22 | ||||||||
| Erm... I can | ||||||||
| R: Small HYPEarthquakes From previous furcation 23 | ||||||||
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Now let the criticisms (though hopefully more moves as well, as this could be the start of the end game) begin!
Needless to say, the fault was in the repainting (didn't close a font color="white" tag)