| i Stratford | [Exeunt] Act I, Scene 2 Castle Drogo. Enter King Syze, his daughter Meediam, Peugeot the Fool and assorted courtiers Princess Meediam: Honoured father, why mayn't I perchance | ||
| ii Oh Yes It Is! | Prince Charming: Tell him? Doesn't he already know that his land is being ravished by a vicious flame-spouting dragon that... [Graziela slaps him] Azulejo: Welcome to married life, Prince! Graziela: [to Azulejo] You can shut up for a start. [to the Prince] No, my love, tell him he's going to gain a son. Prince Charming: Your mother's pregnant? [Graziela sighs heavily] Boleti: [to Graziela] Not the sharpest tool in the box, is he? | ||
| iii Fork Charm 48 | Old Kent Road, putting all Monopoly stations in strick. [Blob] Hurrah! | ||
| iv Reverse Comment to Projoy | [Projoy] Who could fail to salute such a move? The Earth and Sky do bow down before its magnificence! The bones of the Hell-Hounds tremble to see such a move dawning upon the Earth. In the face of such brilliance what remains to be done? Nothing! So that's what I'll do. | ||
| v Small Earthquake | Bald | ||
| vi Sound Charades | [Martha] Spot on. Wot, no charade? Well, in the meantime, scrape the bottom of the barrel with this (which is both rubbish and offensive, and won't even be topical for another 6 months): Inscribed in hieroglyphics on the tomb of Thutmos III: Book & Film, 5 Words Trinny: Dear God, Susannah, I don't know how much more of this I can take! Susannah: I know, darling, I know. Believe me, I've been celibate since Spring/Summer 2002, I know the price of fashion. Trinny: Ever since sodding Lagerfeld went on his "Convent" kick we've all had to abstain from, well, you know what, and by now I'm climbing the bloody walls! If it goes on much longer I'll have to run amok with an axe! Susannah: Just hang on a little while, the 2004 collections aren't far away and my spies in the couture houses tell me it'll be all-change this autumn. Trinny: You mean...? Susannah: Yes, my dear. Praise be to God and Coco Chanel, next season we'll be saying goodbye to primly-artificial sexual frustration and a grateful hello to... | ||
| vii Limacres |
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| viii 10,000 Celerity CD's | 9,997 Portmeirion umbrellas | ||
| ix Nostalgia for Last Week | Girls Aloud? Eee bah goom, you were lucky! In my day theer was nothing to watch all dee long but Big Brother, and we only got to see that if us'd been top on Celebdaq. We'd've killed for Girls Aloud ginna chance. | ||
| x Tasting Notes | This one has a remarkable nose, oozing with strawberry shortcake and parma violets, then really hits the back of the throat with the rich lushness of steak tartare and elderflower before a lingering ketamine and marjoram finish with notes of rutting mink. Well worth 17 points in anyone's book! (Available in limited quantities from Oddbins and selected branches of Homebase.) |
I felt the need to revive Raak's Battenburg look, something which had an unprecendented effect on the number of bifurcations I needed to take. Maybe some of them can be reunified next time. I dunno.
| i Stratford |
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| ii Two Words | Grange Hill | ||||
| iii Oh Yes It Is! | Enter Buttons, played by Jade from Big Brother 3 Buttons: Nar ven kids, we wanna tell yer right, vat pregnancy right is WILL YER JUST SHUT AP FOR A MINUTE pregnancy right is just like fer adolts right so we don't wan any of yer kids getting up the duff right so if yer gonna dip yer wick yer wanna get one of them cordons on right yeah WILL YER STOP BEIN SO BLUMMIN TWO FACED RIGHT yeah so get one of them Dulux cordon thingies from yer B&Q any yer will LEAVE IT AHT ... Voice fades as dragged offstage by Graham Norton | ||||
| iv Butler Did It | The Matrix - Special Effects Overload | ||||
| v Fork Charm 48 | Tottering and Leaden [matt] Yes, you are in a pickle aren't you? [Blob] If you must. | ||||
| vi Douglas Smith | An easy one to start: fring-cha *burp* dip-dip-dip atschoo! | ||||
| vii Reverse Comment to Projoy | [Projoy, re your fridge] Sorry, I lied. For some reason I thought you had the Delux Plus model. Of course, missing that all-important flange, the trick doesn't work on the straight Delux version. Meanwhile, the grace displayed by that move of yours has left me so stupefied I have no option but to drop out of the game. Congratulations! Surely you must be top of the ladder now? | ||||
| viii Baker Street | Hammersmith, denying home. | ||||
| ix Small Earthquake | COOT. A Heat magazine piece on seabird-fancying that one. | ||||
| x Dull anecdotes | Once upon a time I went to the Post Office to purchase four first class stamps. At 27p each the bill came to £1.08. Handing over £1.10 I was surprised to receive what looked like two five pence pieces as change. Before remonstrating, I noticed in fact that they were just shiny one pence pieces. Lucky that I spotted this in time, or else I would have had egg on my face I can tell you. | ||||
| xi Sound Charades | No bloody idea. You know I'm a bad reader, and refuse to see Hollywood flicks on principle. Not that it's a high-minded principle, though. Has more to do with the fact you tend to get more full-frontal no-bolds-harred nudity in the arty pictures. But you have to get something for three quid and two hours of reading Greek subtitles to an Armenien film. That's what I say anyway. | ||||
| xii Inside the mind of a cat | Looks like someone's reading the newspaper. Can't have that, so I'll have to amble along and sit on the bit they're reading. | ||||
| xiii Limacres |
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| xiv Presents penelope wouldn't get for her godchildren | One of those dolls that grows real hair, sheds real tears and leaves real poo in its nappy. | ||||
| xv 10,000 Celerity CD's | 9,996 Welsh tourist attractions (excluding sheep) | ||||
| xvi Just a Minim | What shall we do with a drunken sailor? How should we deal with an inebriated seaman? What's the story with the pissed nautician? Ear-lie in the morning. Hoo-ray and up she rises | ||||
| xvii Nostalgia for Last Week | I look back wistfully on the days where you could go to the cinema, see a film, have a pint and a kebab on the way home and still get change for a tenner. And none of that two-hours-of-advert crap either, just a straight 20 minutes of ads, 10 of trailers. Oh and that quaint tradition of putting the BBFC certificate up at the start of the film. Those were the days. | ||||
| xviii Been to any nonindigenous eateries recently? | Might I start by recommending Cinnamon on the Mancunian Curry Mile? A more interesting set of chutneys than is standard and a pretty good jalfrezi. I would warn that the pardesi rather over-eggs the spinach pudding and that the after-dinner sludge makes a poor substitute for coffee. Regular customers, however, are often rewarded with a dram on the house, and Khal seems like a nice chap. | ||||
| xx Tasting Notes | Mmmm... I'm getting the bouquet of balsa-wood packing case ... I'm getting the texture of athlete's foot ... I'm getting the unmistakable acid overtones of yokel's piss ... I'm getting that unique sensation of earwig poo ... Oh! I seem to be getting a most exquisite food poisoning ... I'm getting hallucinations ... flashing blue lights ... I'm getting the most wonderful release in my stomach ... all for an extremely reasonable £4.99 from Victoria's Bottom. | ||||
| xviii Let Me Check My Oats | Today, my oats are looking very healthy, nay positively radiant. I put this down to two hours' exposure to sunlight each day, yet being kept in an airtight container. |